Gregory’s Vaction Bible School: Jesus Gets Baptized


Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Today Gregory is telling the class about the time Jesus got baptized. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Jesus Gets Baptized

Before Jesus came along, John the Baptist was the official spokesperson for the Lord.

John the Baptist was a cousin of Jesus, but he was from the side of the family who were a little different.  John the Baptist’s favorite outfit was a romper made of camel’s hair and a wide leather belt, and he ate nothing but locusts and honey.  (He had the Jesus family sweet tooth though!)

John the Baptist had a little baptizing enterprise on the Jordan River.  One day Jesus came to him to be baptized.

Here’s what scholars believe the conversation might have gone like:

John the Baptist:  Jesus! Cousin!  Nice to see you again.  I was just having my lunch.  Would you care for a locust sandwich?  There’s plenty.

Jesus:  Uh . . . no thank you I’ve already eaten lunch.  I stopped at Saul’s All You Can Eat House of Figs on the way here.  I’m stuffed!

John the Baptist:  Well how about some dessert then?  I’ve got honey . . .

Jesus:  Sure, but first I was wondering if I could get you to baptize me?

John the Baptist:  What?  No!  Me baptize you?  NO!  Get out!  You should be baptizing ME!

Jesus:  No!  You should be baptizing me.

John the Baptist:  No you!

Jesus:  No you!

John the Baptist:  No you!

Jesus:  No you!

John the Baptist:  Okay okay, you win cousin Jesus!  Just let me finish my sandwich first.

"That's not honey is it John?" "Ha ha!  No but I love your sense of humor, cousin! "
“That’s not honey is it John?”
“Ha ha! No but I love your sense of humor, cousin! “

Well, John the Baptist must have done an extra good job at baptizing Jesus because as soon as Jesus came out of the water, the Heavens opened up and the Spirit of God came down like a dove and landed on Jesus and then a voice said, “This is my own dear Son, with whom I am pleased,”  which didn’t normally happen — if ever.

Right after that, The Dove lead Jesus into the desert to be tempted by the Devil.  After 40 days and nights without food, Jesus was so hungry he wished he would have taken John the Baptist up on that honey and locust sandwich.

Just about the time The Dove was starting to look pretty darned delicious, the Devil showed up.

“If you are God’s son, order these stones to turn into bread.”

To which Jesus replied that man cannot live on bread alone but needs every word that God speaks.  (Plus Jesus didn’t really care that much for bread that was made from magically transformed stones.  He always though they had a funny after taste.)

"Turn these stones into bread!""You mean Including the one I'm sitting on?"
“Turn these stones into bread!”
“You mean up to and including the one I’m sitting on?”

But the devil had another trick up his red leotard 

He whisked Jesus to the top of a temple in Jerusalem and told Jesus that if he threw himself off and the angels caught him, the devil would give him the deed to the world — all Jesus had to do was get down on his knees and worship him.

Hello?  Could you be anymore obvious?  Scholars believe Jesus might have thought just before blurting out, “Go away, Satan!

So the devil went to crawl back underneath the rock he had crawled out from under, but, by then, they were all loaves of bread.

And there you have it, Dear Reader, this week’s installment of the Bible According to Gregory.

Jesus composing himself after seeing what John the Baptist was wearing.
Jesus composing himself after seeing John the Baptist in his camel-hair romper.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

The Bible According to Gregory, John the Baptist Linda Vernon Humor

15 thoughts on “Gregory’s Vaction Bible School: Jesus Gets Baptized

  1. Maybe the devil wanted those stones turned into 70s schlock band and light FM staple Bread? “Baby-I’m-a-Want-You.” Those guys.

    Don’t you think all the people in those old time Bible paintings look a little too Caucasian?

    • Excessively Caucasian. And the last picture shows a gathering which appears to be made up of identical Caucasian twins and their cousins. I think the artist responsible for that particular work in oil may be Sir Brian Loadsworth (1868-1903) who was famous for only ever using his friends Charles and Ethel Cringe as studies for all his works. Loadsworth drowned soon after completing this work when he tried to cross London’s Waterloo Bridge before construction work had even begun.

    • Oh god I hope not! But it does make sense. If Hell has music, Bread would be a great choice — just one song blaring over and over for eternity. It would drive everyone crazy (except those who looked a little too Caucasian, of course).

      “Baby-I’m-a-Want-You” Were they literally talking to a baby?

  2. Jesus composing himself after seeing his cuz in the camel haired romper had me in tears!!!
    The devil’s request to turn the rocks into bread was not very enticing. If he’d have suggested Jesus turn a creepy seventies living room into something from Dwell Magazine, well that would have been worth trying!

    • I just love the way the artist put that look on Jesus’s face! And John the Baptist is like . . .what? And transform 70’s decor into Dwell magazine would definitely be a miracle of biblical proportions! LOL!

    • I think Arnold Schwarzenegger is coming out with a line of camel hair rompers if I’m not mistaken. That’s what everybody out here wears exclusivity. I would suggest you stock up for your trip! 😀

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