Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday School. Every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.
This week Gregory learned about King David. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.
King David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge
Once there was a king named David. David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot. Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David would have used a yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.
A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that, what with all the slaughterings, and what with all the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant. D oy h!
When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.
So the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio, had decided to sell it in their yard sale.
When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.
Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:
King David: So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?
Mr. Abinadab: We’re asking 25 goats.
King David: 25 goats? That seems a little steep. Does it come with coasters?
Mr. Abinadab: You don’t need any. You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark. I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was heavenly!
King David: Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take five goats for it?
Mr. Abinadab: How about twelve goats and a chicken?
King David: I’ll give you seven goats and half a chicken . . .
Mr. Abinadab: It will have to be seven goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.
Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection inside.
King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons, Ahio andAzzuh, the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.
Mr. Abinadab: Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that? They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.
King David: Ha ha! Well that’s to be expected. Don’t tell me! 2 mph in a 1 mph zone?
Mr. Abinadab: No, 3 mph in a 1 mph zone!
King David: How is that possible?
Mr. Abinadab: Tailwind.
As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.
Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark. His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.
“La la la la la la la what’s wrong?”
“Did you just la la la la la feel that tailwind?”
Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.
Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his two one son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenant Fudge was heavenly.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Please come by next week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school!
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Fortunately we’ve made a lot of progress since David’s time. We can now make change for chickens – chicken breasts, thighs, and wings, which were invented so that we could pay chicken taxes.
Also, there is mounting evidence that psaltery pastries evolved into our modern saltine crackers, according to the fossil records.
Thank you, Linda, for furthering my education. You should open a University of the Mind. Wait, better yet, a Multiversity of the Mind.
Oh so that explains why when I blow through the holes of a Saltine Cracker it plays “Onward Christian Soldiers.” I always wondered about that. Now I know! Thank you Nick. I feel like I should pay you for that. Can you break a chicken? (It’s not worth a whole chicken is it? Well, maybe it is. I don’t want to insult the worthiness of your saltine info! If you need me I’ll be out starting a multiversity! Good to hear from you!
Funny but when I blow into my Saltine cracker it plays “Onward Christian Cracker” which, come to think of it, is a bit of a stereotype.
I’ve heard that Saltines are the most stereotypical crackers, so apparently it isn’t just a rumor/
I spent thirty-plus years working for a poultry company. Nick is right. Chicken parts can now be broken down into various denominations including Baptist, Lutheran, and Catholic (who won’t negotiate for chicken parts on Fridays – you must use fish).
I like the idea of using saltine crackers like harmonicas, or it is a kazoo? Either way, it’s an edible musical instrument, which is a cool idea. Perhaps we should start a band, The Gospel Crackers.
I like that idea. Billy Graham Cracker can be our lead singer!
Linda, reading the advice from your learned friends Nick and Russell, I realise that – in Biblical times –
the Goat was the US$ and chickens were basically BITCOIN.
I mean, if you rock up in a town where the fox has just killed all the chickens, you are gonna get big money for your chickens and they’ll probably pass on the goats ‘cos they got plenty already.
So, the value of a goat is broadly pegged but the value of the chickens rockets up and down, uncontrollably.
So, a single chicken would indeed often need to be portioned. Furthermore, I think the research shown above viewed in conjunction with your own account (which I would argue is beyond dispute and factually accurate) makes it likely that we have discovered the origin of both Chicken Kiev (pad it out with cheese to increase weight) and Chicken Nuggets (shreds of chicken coated in a special mix of herbs and desert sand)!
My mind is reeling!
What is really amazing, perhaps even a miracle, is that biblical money has made it into modern times. I always wondered what gave chicken nuggets that special flavor. Now that I think about it, it’s definitely the desert sand! I think they ought to just quit making goats. Nobody uses them anymore and they take up so much room in your purse.