Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
Fred and The Bears
As you may remember from last week’s bible lesson, Gregory was learning about Elisha (pronounced Fred).
Fred had just inherited the All in One Miracle Cloak from his idol, Elijah, who thew it to him from the whirlwind God had sent for Elijah to take him up to heaven.
The cloak did wonders for Fred’s self-esteem. It gave him the power to perform miracles, it brought out the hazel in his eyes, and it even dimmed the shine of his very bald head!
But the men of Jericho thought Fred’s story about Elijah being whisked off up to heaven in a whirlwind was a bit sketchy.
Jericho Man: Hi Fred. nice cloak. Say, have you seen Elijah anywhere?
Fred: Uh, Elijah . . . uh . . . well, he’s on a permanent vacation.
Jericho Man: Oh how nice! Where?
Jericho Man: You mean he died?
Fred: Not exactly. The Lord picked him up in a Whirlwind and took him to heaven while he was still alive.
Jericho Man: I’m sorry, but I have trouble believing that because the Lord doesn’t travel in a whirlwind, he travels in a cloud.
Fred: Are you implying I don’t know the difference between a cloud and a whirlwind?
Jericho Man: Okay I’m bored. Hey listen, Fred, since you’re the new miracle guy in town, would you mind doing something about the source of our drinking water. It tastes like Shiite.
Fred: Not a problem, I can fix that. Bring me a new jar and put salt in it.
Jericho man: But won’t that just mask the flavor?
Fred raised his I’m-the-new-miracle-guy-in-town-aren’t- I? eyebrow and the man ran off to fetch Fred a jar of salt.
Fred threw the salt into the Shiite water and everybody watched while he took a sip and pronounced that the water tasted as good as Alhambra. And everybody rejoiced by laughing at the way Fred pronounced Abraham.
Fred takes being called “baldy” badly.
After that Fred left Jericho to travel to Bethel as he had some early blankmas shopping he wanted to do. (This was way before Jesus was born.)
On the way there, he encountered a group of boys who started making fun of Fred’s bald head.
“Get out of here baldy!” they all shouted.
Which was the very worst thing you could call a person in biblical days not counting Unleavened- Pizza- Crust – Face.
So Fred cursed the boys in the name of the Lord and two she-bears came out of the woods and tore the 42 boys to pieces which must have taken a while — long enough for Fred to get out his slab and chisel and chisel 42 hash marks.
After that, Fred traveled on to Mount Carmel, where he bought everybody on his list a box of carmels.
He came back by way of Samaria and gifted an extra box he accidentally bought to a Samaritan who lived there and wished him Merry Blankmas!
And that’s why to this day, if someone buys an extra box of carmels and gives it to someone who lives in Sameria, they are called a Good Samaritan.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Be sure to check back next week to see what new and exciting thing Gregory learns in Sunday School.
Until next time . . . I love you