Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please


Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God created Adam and Eve.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Adam Takes a Wife Please

When Adam lived alone in the garden of Eden, the Lord noticed that Adam wasn’t doing so well.  First of all, the garden was a mess.  There were banana peels and watermelon rinds and half-eaten figs piled everywhere. Even though it was Adam’s job to be the guardian of the garden, he kept forgetting to water the plants and the last time he had actually mowed the lawn was never.

Most of the time all Adam wanted to do was sit in a big pile of leaves and stare straight ahead imagining how much better his life would be if God would create two teams of men who dressed up in cool outfits and tackled each other.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.”

And Adam rubbed his hands together and thought, “Hot Diggity Dog!”

But when God took some soil and started forming animals and birds, Adam’s smile quickly faded.

God:  What’s the matter Adam?  Don’t you like the animals I’m creating?  Lookee this one!  It’s got fur, a bill and webbed feet!  Isn’t it hilarious?

Adam:  Meh . . .

God:  Ah come on, Sport!  Cheer up!  I’m going to let you name them all.

Adam: But I don’t want to name all those stupid animals you’re creating.  That’s just another chore.  I never have any fun.

God:  Uh oh . . . I know a man who got up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.

Adam:  Stop making that joke, Dad, it’s not funny.

God:  Okay, but try taking another look at this animal with the bill and the fur and the webbed feet and just try to keep a straight face!

Later

God:   . . . and so this last one you want to call a Walrus?  How do you want to spell that?  With two r’s?

Adam:  You know what, Dad?  I hate to break it to you, but not one of the birds or animals you created is a suitable companion for me.

God:  What?  Not even the goldfish with their bubbly little smiles?

Adam:  No Dad.

God:  But why not?

Adam:  They can’t talk, they can’t cook, and they wouldn’t know a decorative pillow if their life depended on it.

God:  Oh I see what you’re getting at.  Here swallow this.

Adam:  What is it?

God:  Nyquil.

About an hour later Adam opened his eyes and Eve was standing before him.

God:  Welp.  What do ya think?

Adam:  At last here is one of my own kind.  Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh.  Woman is her name because she is taken out of man. Thanks Dad.

God:  No problem.

Adam:  Oh and Dad?

God:  Yeah?

Adam:  Before you go, how would you feel about creating two teams of men in really cool outfits, an oblong ball made out of pigskin — because I know you just created those pigs– I was thinking maybe it would be fun to watch them try to keep the ball from each other and whatnot.

God:  But while you’re watching them do that what will Eve be doing?

Adam:  Oh I don’t know.  She could be walking  in the garden, making new friends, sampling fruit . . .

God:  That sounds harmless enough.  I’ll do it!

Adam:  Hot diggity dog!

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Eve gives Adam a decorative Pillow
“Here honey, I made this for you.”     “Thanks!  What is it?       “A decorative pillow.”

 

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please

  1. Only a fool would leave a comment after this post.

    Parents are asked to instead guide their children to the Renaissance Period artwork in the museum which depicts all this stuff being done in a supremely bouffant manner, with no passive aggression.

    Please exit via the gift shop. Professional tutors are advised that the guidance notes for the discussion on the bus back to school emphasise that Ms Vernonhumor is usually right and probably also is, this time.

    If you disagree, I am sure you will respond.

    Nailed it.

    (retrieves hidden bottle of single malt whisky and waits for 87 hours in case anyone replies, entirely against netiquette).

  2. Hey pass me over a swig of that will ya, Roadwax? Because I think it’s gonna be just you and me and Eve’s decorative pillow. Hopefully that bus will come back at some point and give us a ride back to town.

    • The only reason I come here is because I want to be able to casually remark to dinner friends that I knew you before you were famous.

      Notwithstanding the obvious fact that I currently neither have friends nor dinner, I think this one will work out because you don’t fly and I live on a different continent.

      Such is the power of the internet. Imagine three teams of New York Yankees pushing a London bus across seven Olympic sized swimming pools.

      Damn. I messed up again.

      • Gosh it seems like just yesterday we were on the same continent. My how time flies when it comes to continental drift. If only they would build that bridge over the bearing straight I’ve been fantasizing about. Then we could drive to each other’s houses and have dinner (and maybe even pick up a few friends along the way). That would solve all our problems that and if we had a goat. “If we had a goat, that would solve all our problems”. (My favorite line from a Robert Benchley essay.).

        • ** sigh **

          (has to spend valuable time moving fingers across keyboard to find out who Robert Benchley is. Now, supper will be later than originally planned. Gets up from rattan chair, circa 1950, and goes to kitchen to reduce meaningless dial on cooking ring from “3” to “2”, as if this will stop sauce from sticking to ceiling.)

          Oh. I get it.

          Until now, I did not realise that I grew up on his humor. My mother volunteered at a local charity shop and took me along for each shift so that she did not have to suffer returning home to find me with my head stuck down an open drain, thus requiring her to yet again call the vicar.

          The charity shop sold Vanity fair back-copies for 2 pence each. I got discount because I had no understanding of the meaning of the word: “charity”.

          • Wow! Oh what I wouldn’t give to have a couple of those Vanity Fair’s with Robert Benchley essays in them. I’ve got everyone of his books, all found at thrift shops over the years. They’d probably be more like $10.00 a copy now. And good for you for getting a discount. It’s the least they could do when you consider all the fun you would have been having at home by yourself.

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