Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children


Kerplink!

Marlene Frappuzio –the bestselling author of “The Wind Only Blows on Thursdays” — sat at her keyboard, fingers poised, waiting for an idea.  Any idea.  Having already spent the advance for her much anticipated, but as yet unwritten, sequel to “Shut the Window!”  Marlene was desperate for an inspiration, desperate for a plot, desperate for a drink of water.  Marlene took a drink of water.  One desperation down, two to go.

“Hey, honey, I’m organizing my vitamins!” Howard Frappuzio, Marlene’s awkward husband, announced, walking into the room.  He was holding a shoebox full of vitamins and accidentally tripped –sending hundreds of vitamins flying everywhere.

Marlene stifled a scream of frustration — one that bordered on hair-raising, but stopped just short of blood-curdling.

“Sorry dear,” Howard was on his hands and knees now picking up vitamins one by one and returning them to the shoe box.  Kerplink, kerplink, kerplink  . . .

All that kerplinking suddenly inspired a revolutionary idea to pop into Marlene’s mind — an idea as welcome as a sign on a long stretch of deserted highway announcing: All you can eat buffet! Restrooms open to the public!

That’s it! Marlene would write about murder by way of vitamin overdose! Oh sure, it was only a crude notion of a plot now, but it just might work.  She’d have to try a little experiment first, however.

Kerplink . . .  “I’ll get out of your hair, honey,  just as soon as I’m done picking up these vitamins.” Howard said.

* * *

Marlene pushed her chair back from the dinner table and contemplated her dead husband, Howard, as he lay face down in his cream of mushroom soup — which had been iron-fortified to the point of death — and dialed 911.

“Hello?  Yes, I think my husband’s dead!  Send someone over!”

Marlene bent down and began picking up vitamins.  The murder she had just committed was perfect!  Perfect except for one thing.   She really should have waited until Howard was done picking up all these vitamins.   kerplink . . . kerplink . . . kerplink . . .

* * *

Linda Vernon Humor Trifect Writing Challenge

6 thoughts on “Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

  1. I love the way Marlene stifles her screams. Wish I could do that.
    “Shut the Window” sounds even more exciting than “Criminal Mimes.”
    I’ve heard of choking to death on vitamins, but never iron overdose. It’s a wonder Popeye didn’t die from eating all that spinach.

  2. I give this wonderful story 10 Kerplinks even tho it made me hungry for mushroom soup, despite the obvious danger!! I think my favorite part was the roadside restaurant with all the vitamins you could swallow, and the restrooms with iron-enriched toilet paper!! You gotta drink a lotta water when you’re swallowing vitamin pills, and restrooms are a must!!

    Glad to see your wholly unique insanity is as mirthful as ever, and firing on all Kerplinks, my dear Linda!! Thanks for being such a good influence, and I hope Santa kerplonks all sortsa good things under yer tree, including lotsa joy and happiness in 2021– Merry Christmas!! 😊 😘

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