Ted Flerk’s Autobiography
“As you know, children, we always observe National Rubber Spatula Day here at Connie’s Kindergarten Cuisine Academy and–” Miss Connie’s announcement was interrupted by a collective moan from the classroom.
“And,” Miss Connie continued unfazed, “I therefore will be reading to you from Scraping By — the autobiography of Ted Flerk who you will remember is credited with inventing the rubber spatula.
Miss Connie calmly opened to page one and began reading in a clear, strong voice as several students rushed for the door that Miss Connie had had the presence of mind to bolt.
“The story of how it came to pass that fateful day in Mother’s kitchenette, when I, Ted Flerk, invented mankind’s most important baking utensil, the rubber spatula, is, I suppose, a tedious tale, or, more precisely, a thorough recounting, if you will, of—“
Suddenly a loud boom erupted from the back of the classroom. Miss Connie looked over the top of her reading glasses. Charles was out of his seat.
“If you’re thinking you’re going to bust down that door, Charles, you’ve got another thing coming.” Miss Connie said mildly. ” Now, put down that battering ram and return to your seat immediately!” Miss Connie continued reading.
” . . . the events leading up to the day I thought of inventing the Rubber Spatula, including what happened while I was physically inventing the rubber spatula, itself, in addition to a detailed accounting of my life up to that point– “
Suddenly there was a mighty crash and a tinkling of glass. Miss Connie calmly put her finger on her place in the book and looked up. Several girls were helping each other climb through the jagged glass of the broken classroom window. A line of students was quickly forming behind them. Miss Connie chose to ignore the interruption and continued reading.
” . . . and exactly how I, Ted Flerk, was able to scrape every type of bowl known to man leaving no detail undocumented. . . “
At 3:00 sharp, Miss Connie bookmarked her place in the book, turned out the lights of her now empty classroom and went home.
Linda Vernon Humor 
I love these creative stories! Oh, the title of the autobiography “Scraping By” – definitely made me giggle. Thanks for sharing your witty writing with us all!
Thank you Erin, what a nice compliment! I do enjoy writing them. 🙂
Lol! “Scraping By” by Ted Flerk
I think you may have to donate your brain to science. I’m, once again, marveling at the endless fountain of creativity that is Linda Vernon’s brain.
Great story!
Thank you so much Lisa. What a nice compliment! Maybe I could get something on my Drivers License that says, “I am a Peanuts donor” That ought to keep them confused for awhile! 😀
Hi,
Fantastic, I had a laugh at the way the kids managed to get out of the classroom, but they did obey the teacher and didn’t ram the door. 😆
Oh those kids, Mags! It’s a good thing I’m not a teacher, I couldn’t even control them in my own story! 😀
This is a great story! I feel the pain of the children being forced to sit and listen to the history of National Rubber Spatula day. I feel my eyes glazing over just THINKING about spatulas. zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Oh me too! I’d be the one with the battering ram especially if I was the teacher!
Scraping by. 😀 . How DO you do it… I love the things you come up with and the stories you tell… put down the battering ram.. lol ..loLing with chuckles and guffaws.. love it !
So glad you liked it Lizzie! This one struck me funny too. I noticed you haven’t done a challenge in a while. You should do one. Just dash it off — don’t worry about making it perfect — you’ll have fun!
What a WONDERFUL post! I really enjoyed your story!
Thank you Jennifer. YAY! — happy to hear that! 🙂
Scraping By…so clever. Very creative story.
Thanks Mags, and thanks for stopping by! 🙂
After reading several nicely-enough-written Trifecta “observ-ations” that didn’t really “stir up” big reactions in me, along came your delightful story. It’s as if you didn’t leave a single bit of the mix in the bowl of your creative mind, but instead seemed to, somehow (as if someone had invented a proper tool and you had used it for that) pour every bit of the mix into a pan and bake it into a great little story.
“Scraping by”–hee hee; great title.
Oh, HA! I love your description. I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I’ve noticed that the more fun I have writing them the better they are received. Thank you so much for you kind words. Up until your comment, I was just scraping by! You made my day trailertrashdeluxe! 😀
thank you for a much needed giggle. 🙂
Oh my pleasure Barbara! So glad you like it! 😀
A nice story that makes you smile. I like your response to the challenge.
Thank you Ruby. Thanks for coming by! 🙂
Thank you for pinpointing the problem with today’s educational system: kids just aren’t willing to mix it up a bit in order to fully combine all the little flecks and sprays of mind batter that will help them bake into well rounded souffles.
I only hope that people will read this and scrape up the determination to insist they learn about icons like Mr Flerk.
Or you could just keep writing these great stories. Yeah, that would be good!
Ha! Yes indeed! What this world really needs are few good, well-rounded souffles! How right you are El Guapo, how right you are.
This was terrific. You’re so creative!
Thanks Kelly. Thanks for coming by! 🙂
Best line I’ve read all day: “I therefore will be reading to you from Rubber Spatula Inventor, Ted Flerk’s autobiography, Scraping By . . .” HF
YAY! I’m ringing my cyber bell! Ding ding ding . . . . dong!
Gosh, I see everybody loved the same line and I must be a bit different, so, here is the second best line I’ve read all day: …is, I suppose, a tedious tale…
Said to perfection, Ms Lilian Vernon. (By the way, I think you have spatula’s in your catalog.) HF
Thanks Billy Lee! I just hope the catalog is selling Ted Flerk orginals!
I don’t know about Ted being an original, but you sure are! HF
Ah! Aren’t you nice! 😀
Excellent work, Linda – love that imagination of yours and that sparkling wit! 🙂
Ah! Thank you so much Mskatykins! 🙂
Loved it, though as a highly educated culinary artist, “Scraping By” somehow escaped the attention of all of my teachers and historians, and I was completely unaware of Mr. Flerk’s contribution to the culinary arts. Of course, his status may have gone into decline when the invention of the silicon spatula was brought before the world. It is a distinct advantage in cooking on the stove top to know that one’s spatula will not melt itself into the dish being prepared; rubber goes okay with some things (hell, cook scallops or calamari too long and one could never tell them from the rubber anyway), but it’s best to not have to adjust a recipe halfway through preparing it…. Yeah, that’s probably why they overlooked Ted’s book… it sounded as entertaining to read as some of the cookbooks I’ve seen, for sure….. 🙂 Another challenge well met….
Thanks Ned. And thank you so much for taking the time to ferret out the whys and wherefores thereof on such a complicated subject as the evolution of cookiing utensils from rubber to silicon to calamari. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my culinary art heart. 😀
What an autobiography.
It’s quite astonishing isn’t it? That Ted Flerk, what a guy!
Great story, but– something seemed to be missing. So I went back, and sure enough, one of the 333 words had stuck to the bottom of the pan. Good thing I always carry a digital spatula… : P
OMG Mark, read this three times, laughed every time. You are so funny! Three cheers for digital spatulas!
Spatula city, we sell spatulas, and that’s all…
Yes! Great idea for a small business. I’ll get to work on the business plan! HA!
Ha! I’ve been reading some great Trifecta entries this week, but this was really a breath of fresh air. Funny *and* well-written. I think my favorite line was:
“Now, put down that battering ram and return to your seat immediately!”
Totally made me laugh out loud. I wish I could write funny stuff; apparently I’m missing that bone. 🙂
Chrstnj! Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you liked the battering ram! Those kids quickly took on a life of their own and it wa all I could do to keep up with the typing! So glad you enjoyed it! 😀
Hah! Your humor is just so…. humorous. 🙂 Needless to say, I love your writing and look forward to it each time.
I’m so glad you enjoyed it, Imelda. I certainly enjoy writing them. 😀
The mental image of the kids madly scrabbling for an exit route made me laugh. Great fun.
Miss Connie certainly had some dedication to her craft. I love the image of kids banding together to heave a battering ram and claw their way out any way they can.
Bring that humor back for weekend challenge, we can never have too much of it.
Glad you liked it! It was fun to write even though the kids got toally out of hand! I will definitely be back this weekend. Your challenges are so much fun! 🙂