Month: June 2011

My Teeth Are Getting More Crooked by the Hour

Linda Vernon Adventures in Grandma Land, Health and Beauty , , , , ,

Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Braces

When I was ten, the family dentist and my parents made a secret plan to make my teeth straight. It didn’t involve braces. Instead, it involved pulling out five of my permanent teeth.

When Teeth Fly

I remember several visits to the dentist wherein he grabbed a tooth with his pliers and pulled with all his might until my tooth would finally be uprooted and go flying across the room and hit the wall.

He seemed to think this was a perfectly normal occurrence (which I’m sure in his case it was) and, since I didn’t have anything to compare it to — I thought so too. That is until I had my wisdom teeth removed years later and guess what? Nothing went flying anywhere.

Look Ma! No Braces!

Anyway, getting five of my permanent teeth extracted did the trick. My teeth were tolerably straight for a good portion of my life.

The Minute My Mouth is Closed

Then suddenly one morning, one of my front teeth began to stick out farther than the rest. At first, it was hardly noticeable. That’s because this rebel tooth did all its traveling when I wasn’t looking.

If I were to smile into a mirror at any given moment, this tooth would freeze and stay in that exact position until I closed my mouth and then it would continue on it’s mission which, obviously, was to become a Hillbilly Tooth.

The Miraculous Transformation

Over the years, slowly but surely this hillbilly tooth wannabe has made a miraculous migration from sitting straight-in-a-row with all the other front teeth — content to be an all-around team player — to Class Clown of the Mouth. So that today, this tooth has positioned itself in such a way as to stick out way beyond all the others making it appear as if I just have the one.

Surgery for the Problem Child

A couple of years ago I decided I would do something about my problem child tooth. I looked into getting cosmetic dental surgery. The dentist made a mould of my mouth, and we went into the conference room to discuss what could be done.

The Dentist Who Cared Too Much (and had absolutely no sense of humor)

It didn’t help any that the dentist had tears in his eyes when he set the mould of my wayward teeth in front of me. This is the consultation that followed and to quote Dave Barry, I am not making this up.

To lighten up the mood, I remarked, “Those are my teeth? Gee, they’re pretty crooked. In fact, I’ve seen straighter teeth on the 20,000-year-old skulls they’ve excavated on the Discovery Channel.”

To which the dentist replied solemnly, “I know.”

“Well is there anything you can do about it?”

“Not really . . . unless you want to get braces.”

“Braces! But I’m 55 years old!” (although I was wearing my hair in a ponytail that day so maybe he thought I was younger . . . emotionally anyway.)

“There are a lot of OLD PEOPLE LIKE YOU who get braces,” he assured me. “In fact, I had a patient in here the other day who just got his braces off and his teeth looked great!”

“How old was he?”

“85.”

Paying for Invisiline Braces with Invisible Money

So I went to an orthodontist. He informed me that I can get Invisiline braces, (the removable, see-through kind) for somewhere between $5,000 to $7000 dollars.

Hmmm. . After Giving the Matter a Lot of Thought . . .

I’ve decided to wait because who knows? Maybe my hillbilly tooth will come into fashion one of these days. And if that doesn’t happen?

There’s always mouth modeling for the Discovery Channel.

Until next time, I love you . . .

Surefire Conversation Starters for Your Next Chamber of Commerce Mixer

Linda Vernon Lists , , , , ,

We’ve all felt a little awkward when trying to think of topics for discussion when networking at the Chamber of Commerce. That’s why I have compiled these sure-fire conversation starters designed to make new friends and influence people while simultaneously impressing them big time.

“Hey there! I can tell by the sweat accumulating around your hairline that it is, indeed, hot enough for you.”

Starting up a conversation by talking about the weather is always a congenial way to break the ice.

“I’d offer you one of my dog biscuits, but I left them at home.”

This isn’t necessarily a good conversation starter, as such, but it will buy you time to think up another topic while the person is wondering whether it is safe to be standing next to you.

“So what business are you mixed up in, monkey face?”

This is a sure-fire conversation starter, especially for people whose name tag actually says “monkey face”.

“Hey Lookee!  I’ve got more hair on my arms than you have on your entire head!”

Try to avoid using this observation on women. If you can’t tell whether the bald person is a man or a woman just take a wild guess.

“I ran over two cats on the way here. How about you?”

This conversation starter is guaranteed to get attention. To avoid any misunderstandings, be sure to stress that they were your own cats you ran over and not theirs.

“Look around!  I think it’s safe to say you are the fattest person here by a long shot!”

Even though it might seem counter-intuitive, this is actually a great way to strike up a conversation because everyone enjoys having something that lends them an air of distinction.

“Don’t we know each other from AA?”

This quickly and easily establishes that the Chamber of Commerce isn’t the only organization to which you belong.

“Remember me?  I’m the one you blocked on Facebook!”

It never hurts to let people know that you “get around” and that you run in lots of different circles.

“Think you or think you not the book of Who’s Who in America should, instead, be entitled Who’s WHOM in America?”

Starting a conversation this way will impress the heck out of anyone, I don’t care who they are.

“Guess What? I have a tattoo next to my bellybutton that says, “Do Not Pierce!”

Only say this if it’s true however; otherwise, you could come off as being disingenuous should they ask to see it.

It’s uncanny!  I can’t get over how much you look like my baby daddy!

This demonstrates your excellent memory for faces.

If these conversation starters don’t catapult you to success, I don’t know what will.

Until next time . . . I love you

Go to the Light Little Grease Spots!

Linda Vernon Health and Beauty , , , , , ,

Me and My Grease Spots

I can put on a clean pair of white pants in the bedroom and by the time I get out into the living room, they’ve got a grease spot on them.

It’s the same story with practically every piece of clothing I own and I don’t get it? Where is all this grease coming from and why is it making a beeline for my clothes?

I mean, sure if I were nibbling fries from the fryer baskets at McDonald’s or using my blouse to cradle a pile of Pringles, I could understand it, but I never do stuff like that . . . well, hardly ever.

Grease Just Finds Me Wherever I Am, Especially If I’m Eating Out

Once a grease spot has mysteriously appeared on my clothing, no matter who I happen to be dining with, the conversation always goes something like this:

“Oh Darn”

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh I spilled grease on my shirt.”

“But you’re eating a banana.”

“I know.”

“Well, why don’t you apply some cold water to it. It will come out if you get it right away.”

Notice that the advice giver always uses the same phrases:

“apply cold water” and “if you get it right away”.

What I want to know is who thought up this method for getting out grease stains and then plastered it all over the internet thereby making it a darn-near scientific fact– when it has NEVER worked for me — not even once!

Once a Sucker Always a Sucker

And even though I know it doesn’t work, I’ll still dutifully apply cold water to the spot. This only makes the area all around the grease spot wet, thus highlighting it for all to see as I am leaving the restaurant.

Eventually the water dries and guess what? My new best friend, Mr. Grease Spot, is still there– uglying up my blouse and patting itself on its oily little back for uncommon tenacity and stick-to-itiveness.

Go To the Light, Little Grease Spot!

I remember my mother telling me that when she was a little girl, and some distant relative died, her family would say “he(or she) is just a grease spot now.”

If that’s true I’ve got a lot of distant relatives living in my closet.

All I can say is “Go to the Light” distant relatives! And if that doesn’t work, apply cold water and THEN go to the light!

Until Next time . . . I love you

What Came in the Mail

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , ,

 Item 1

I got a letter from the cable company today and these words were emblazoned across the envelope:

“Look Inside to See What’s Waiting for You”

I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer not to have anything “waiting for me inside.”  Maybe it’s going to jump out and scare me.

And besides, what if it’s not waiting anymore. What if it got tired of waiting . . . and now it’s LURKING . . . I don’t want to look inside if something is lurking in there for me.

“Bwahaha”

Then again, it could just be that the cable company wants me to look inside to see what’s waiting for me because they think I’m expecting them to send me an empty envelope. Perhaps they imagine the following scenario :

“We got another envelope from the cable company today. What should I do?”

“Hmmm. . . that’s a tough one. Does it say ‘look inside to see what’s waiting for you?”

No.”

“Then don’t look inside, just throw it away.”

Item 2

Our Auto Insurance Coverage Summary finally arrived. (And here you were about to give up. Oh ye of little faith.) Inside “waiting/lurking” was the “Declarations Page.”

They would have called it the Declaration’s Page with an apostrophe, but apostrophes are so expensive nowadays and using one would have caused our auto insurance rates to skyrocket. The “Declarations Page” goes on to declare that:

“Our policy has changed effective May 15 2011.”

Shhh. . . don’t mention that it’s a little late for this news. The Declarations Page takes itself very seriously and you’ll only cause a fight.

Item 3

An offer for a Nokia phone came in.

Hello Linda Vernon,

(Note the use of the comma instead of a colon which means they consider me a friend; in fact, they might even be falling in love.)

It goes on to say:

You’ve been such a great customer; you deserve something special from us.

(Ok, flattery will get you everywhere. What is it?)

Get your free  phone with free delivery!

(Ah shucks, you shouldn’t have.)

It’s yours free after a $50 mail-in rebate debit card with a two-year service agreement.

(Ok, now I’m tearing up.)

It has the largest digital voice and data network in American covering 273 million people and it’s growing all the time!

(You had me at hello.)

Until next time . . . I love you

Slaving Over a Hot Keypad

Linda Vernon Writing life , , , , , ,

I Got Nothin’

Yesterday was a frustrating day. I sat down to write a post for this blog but my brain, Peanuts, just wasn’t cooperating.

I kept fiddling around with the same group of lousy little words for hours — arranging and rearranging — trying to get them to come together in some sort of pleasing way — but they absolutely refused to cooperate.

Hither and Yon

I just couldn’t seem to get my words and my ideas synchronized. It was all very discombobulating.  I was running out of steam and no matter how hard I tried I JUST COULD NOT GET THINGS TO COMBOBULATE.

At 1:30 in the afternoon, I finally threw the bums out and started over.

When Life Hands You Lemons, Start Over

My second attempt was even worse! It wasn’t the fault of the words or the ideas, as such. Individually, they were all fine, upstanding words and ideas. It was the order in which I laid them out on the page that really stunk on ice.

But I refused to admit defeat. I was determined to cobble together a decent essay; even if it meant using every single tool my writer’s toolbox including the sledgehammer.

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Step Up Your Punctuation

It soon became obvious the second essay was turning out even more disappointing than the first; but still I forged ahead determined to make it work utilizing some little known writer’s tricks I had up my sleeve.   Such as inserting peppy punctuation like three exclamation marks in a row at the end of every sentence — and giving a humorous word like “DYN-O-MITE” a paragraph of its very own.

Exasperatingly Exhausted

I typed and typed and typed until my fingers were blue in the face. I was at the end of my rope and so desperate, I even tried sticking in some humorous kitty images in an attempt to cover up my mediocrity:

Funny, but not hilarious
 
 
 
 Slightly funny, but certainly not funny enough to offset lousy writing 
 

Ok, this one’s just making things worse

Oh Forget It!

At Four Frigin’ Thirty in the afternoon, I finally admitted defeat.

My husband, 37, got home from work, and found me slumped on the couch frazzled and flummoxed. So he suggested we eat out, bless his ever-lovin’ 37 heart!!!

By the time I finished my Panda Express Kung Pao Chicken and Chow Mein, I was practically my old self — until I opened my fortune cookie which read:

What are you trying to do Panda Express?  Kill me?

Until next time . . .  I love you