Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what the Lord planned to do to Egypt if the Egyptian Pharaoh refused to free the slaves. Let’s listen in as he tells us about it.
The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters
After Aaron and Moses’s presentation to the Pharaoh — Bringing Down Your Overhead Costs by Replacing Slave Labor with Levers and Pulleys — had completely fallen flat as far as freeing the slaves was concerned, it was time for Aaron and Moses to make the pharaoh an offer he couldn’t refuse.
It was time to pull out all the stops by utilizing: The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters.
The next morning at the Cheops Holiday Inn Express breakfast bar:
Aaron: I’m going back for more figs, you want anything else, Moses?
Moses: Yeah, toast me some more unleavened bread will ya?
Aaron: I don’t think we have time. Their unleavened bread torch takes forever, and we’ll be late for our appointment with the pharaoh. There’s still plenty of millet though.
Moses: There always is . . . just bring me some more goat bacon.
Later on the banks of the Nile:
Moses: Well, hello Pharaoh! Hi there priests! Thank you so much for meeting us down here on the banks of the Nile. I realize it’s rather unorthodox, but we have a little demonstration for you. Observe!
Moses opens The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters and pulls out a walking stick then waves it over the Nile river turning it into blood.
Pharaoh: Uh huh.
Moses: Well you don’t seem very impressed — you’re stifling a yawn.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. I didn’t sleep very good last night.
Aaron: Me neither. No offense, Pharaoh, but those wooden pillows you guys use are super uncomfortable.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. What other disasters you got in the box, Moses?
Moses opens the box again and millions of frogs jumped out.
Moses: And these frogs are going to get into everything. Your baking pans, your ovens, you beds, your little skirts . . . .
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Big Hairy Deal. What else you got in the box?
Moses: Okaaaay . . . um . . . lets see here . . . how do you feel about gnats? Really mean gnats!
Pharaoh: Uh huh. You’re kidding right?
Moses: Okay, maybe not gnats. But flies! What about flies!!
Pharaoh: Uh huh. You’re threatening me with flies? Seriously?
Moses: Uh . . . oh! Here’s something . . . how about a disease to kill all your animals!! Bwahahaha!
Pharaoh: Uh huh. I’ve never been big on animals. What else?
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Everybody’s already got boils.
Moses: Okay how about hail then? Hail that will hit the boils and sting!
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Whoopty friggin’ doo. What else?
Moses: How do you feel about locusts and being in darkness 24/7?
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Actually, I enjoy both. Is that it?
Moses: There’s just one last thing. A little something the Lord likes to call Passover wherein all the first-born sons will be killed and whatnot. It’s a little more complicated to explain and, frankly, I’d really like to break for lunch.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Okay, well if it’s as lame as the rest of The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters, I’m totally unfazed, and I’m not letting the slaves go anytime soon and that’s all there is to it.
With that, the pharaoh and his priests walked back to the pyramid. Aaron and Moses could hear them laughing and making jokes about how many gnats it would take to free the slaves.
Moses: Come on Aaron. Let’s go tell the Lord to put plan Passover into action.
Aaron: Okay, but can we stay at a different hotel tonight? Somewhere where they don’t have wooden pillows?
Moses: What? And miss out on the complimentary breakfast bar? Are you out of your mind Aaron?