A Poem to Make You Think

Begin at the beginning and end at the end

But then again supposin’ that road has a bend?

Then begin at the right and work your way left

Or come up the middle (if the road’s got a cleft)

Or begin at the end and work your way backwards

Or schlep up the shoulder all sloppy and slackwards

Or begin at the right and go in a square

Taking plenty of breaks to sit in the chair

You took from that idiot right over there →

But whatever you do, avoid like the plague

A man with an eye patch who answers to Craig

And a lady named Bertha who’ll be eating a lime

(Expressly for reasons pertaining to rhyme)

Now take a deep breath and start on your journey

And if you get tired? Remember the gurney . . .

That grandmother willed you (the one from Poughkeepsie)

That you pawned for some money to hire a gypsy

Who foretold of everything here you just read

(Including the part where your Grandmother’s dead) grandma cartoon

Peculiar Poetry: Coma for the Holidays

December 26, 2017 Linda Vernon The Daily Routine being in a coma can be fun, Coma for the Holidays, comatose until the 4th of July, funny pem, humor, humorous holiday poetry, humorous poetry, humour, poem about being in a coma

Coma for The Holidays

As the time between Christmas and New Years drags by

And you’ve opened you gifts and you’ve ate all the pie

And you’ve cleaned out your junk drawer and counted your change

And you’ve sung every note that you know in your range

And you’ve twiddled your thumbs and the thumbs of your friends

And you’ve read every book that your library lends

And you’ve watched every Netflix and Blockbuster show

And you whipped up a cake; and ate all of the dough

Well just when you think gosh time must have gone by

You look up at the sun and it’s 12 o’clock high

Then all of a sudden, you’re whacked on the head

Sending you into a coma (not dead)

It’s something that’s certainly glum and morose

But is it really that bad spending time comatose?

As the time between Christmas and New Year’s drags by

You’ll say wake me at New Year’s . . . no wait that’s a lie

(you might as well profit from events gone awry)

On second thought . . . make that the Fourth of July

Until next time . . . I love you

An Ode to the Chemicals in Herbal Essence Hairspray

January 6, 2016 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry chemical humor, Chemicals in Herbal Essence Hairspray, Dimethyl Ether Alcohol, Hairspray chemical humor, hairspray chemicals, hairspray humor, hairspray poetry, humor, humorous poetry, humour

An Ode to the Chemicals in Herbal Essence Hairspray

ode to the Chemicals in Herbal Essence Hairspray

Dimethyl Ether Alcohol

Rolling off the tongue, you do enthrall

Plus, you keep my hair in place and all

If I had your name? I’d have a ball!

Amino Methyl Propanol

My follicles will never fall

My hair it stands up straight and tall

Thanks Amino Methyl Propanol!

Triacetate Ammonium

My hair’s tough . . . like linoleum

You’re better than petroleum

Now come here and take the podium!

Glycereth-7 Acetate

Do I need to tell you that you’re great?

My hair conforms to your mandate

(Perhaps you are my hair’s soul mate)

Cyclopentasiloxane!

You’re name’s so long it’s quite insane!

But you’ve got my hair on a ball and chain

Your the next best thing since urethane

VA/Crotonates Vinyl

I think you gave my hair a spinal?

Either that or it’s suicidal

Whatever the case, your say is final

PEG-8 Dimethicone

My hair’s addicted to you alone

And wondering if you’d give a loan

Cause it needs to buy some methadone

Until next time . . . I love you

Lady MacBlump’s Peculiar Love

June 30, 2015June 30, 2015 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine A wedding poem, funny, funny poetry about weddings, horrible wedding art, humor, humorous poetry, humour, ice cream is good, ice cream kills Lord, MInt chocolate chip ice cream, wedding ice cream not recommended

Lady Mildred Madonna Anita MacBlump

Wasn’t fat nor obese, she was pleasingly plump

She pined for Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie

He was thin as a rail and always uneasy

Now Mildred MacBlump, she liked eating vermilion

And soft ice cream cones, it would seem, by the million

Whenever Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie

Laid eyes on the sight of ice cream he got queasy

Lord Luther Wisconsin asked Mildred to marry

She asked him, “But aren’t you allergic to dairy?”

But Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie replied,

“Of course not Dear Lady!” (he quite blatantly lied)

And so Luther and Mildred were quickly conjoined

And ate steak after steak at the wedding (sirloined)

How much they enjoyed their wedded-bliss dream!

Until someone suggested they serve some ice cream

In the end, all it took was the smallest of bites

To extinguish Lord Luther Parcheesie’s night lights

And so Mildred MacBlump she just stiffened her lip

And heroically finished her Mint Chocolate Chip

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

May 9, 2015 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry Brussel Sprouts, Buster Brown Shoes, comedy, funny poem, humor, humor humorous, humorous poetry, lieutenant gov, long range bomber, pushing vs shoving, sequoia

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Bent over to polish her Buster Brown shoe

But the polish therein was of toxic aroma

And Edwina Purina fell into a coma

No one knew what to do for they couldn’t awake her.

So the Doctor was summoned. (He suggested they shake her)

But yet she lay docile and still as could be

Then someone suggested, “Push her out of a tree!”

So they hoisted her up in a Giant Sequoia

And everyone helped — even Mike and Latoya!

All that was left was to give her a shove

And who better for that than the lieutenant gov?

Who ran on a platform of brotherly love

And never did falter when push came to shove

He shook that sequoia, he had him some muscle

(Attributed mainly to sprouts found in Brussel)

sprouts of brussel — “Where you from?” “Brussel” “Me too!”

Well, the tree started shaking and then the wind blew

And Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do . . .

Flew through the air like a bomber (long range)

And landed on top of the Foreign Exchange

She opened her eyes and everyone cheered

But to tell you the truth? It was all very weird!

A Visit from The Overly-Creative Writing Lady

September 22, 2014September 23, 2014 Linda Vernon The Daily Routine, The Overly Creative Writer Lady a visit from the Overly Creative Writing Lady, advice on how to write a book, advice on writing from the Overly Creative Writing Lady, comedy, funny, humor, humorous, humorous poetry, humour, Over the top Creative Writing, Overly-Creative Writer Lady writes a poem

Welcome Dear Readers! I am happy to report that the Overly-Creative Writing Lady has agreed to come by the blog everyday this week and leave us with some some of her very own, unique, overly-creative thoughts on life. Today, she slipped this poem under the door:

When Writing A Book

by

The Overly-Creative Writing Lady

When writing a book

By hook or by crook

It’s best to start in the middle

Then work out each day

From the middle each way

(With the concept you later can fiddle)

Now don’t give a thought

To the pacing or plot

For those things will take care of themselves

And don’t get bogged down

With the place or the town

(Just make all your characters elves)

Some writers they say

An outline’s the way

To keep it all straight in your head

Well forget what you’ve heard

You can polish each word

(For the rest of your life till your dead)

Just stick in some sorrow

Some hope for tomorrow

Make your characters lisp with a limp

You also might try

To give one a glass eye

(On character flaws never scrimp)

Now I suppose

It’s time for a close

From the book writing lesson herein

Just remember to try

To keep the bar high

(Perhaps as far up as your chin)

Until next time . . . The Overly-Creative Writer Lady Loves You

Mr. Hoink’s Farm

Image July 30, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine comedy, cows that say oink, humor, humorous poetry, humour, itchy cows, life on the farm, Neanderthal Cows, pigs that can talk, quirky poetry

Peculiar Poetry: An Annoying Visit From the Muse

July 17, 2014July 17, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine an annoying muse, humor, humorous, humorous poetry, humour, lily-white fist, muse flying a kite, muse rehab, the drunken muse

MUSE REHAB

The Muse unused

marched into my dream last night

Standing there in leotard and tight

Lit up and fully boozed

The Muse pulled out a kite

I snoozed enthused

The Muse released the kite to flight

And held the string so very tight

No blood therein could be diffused

Its knuckles turned to lily white

I perused bemused

Its fist was like a candle light

I couldn’t sleep (it was too bright)

With this, the Muse was quite amused

(I blew it up with dynamite)

Until next time . . . I love you

The Georgia O’Keeffe Incident

July 1, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine Georgia O'Keeffe saves a life, humor, humorous, humorous poetry, leaping from the Empire State Building, Leonard's Leaping Problem, peculiar poetry

Until next time . . . I love you

Tary Not Dear Gwendolyn

May 23, 2014May 24, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine Fattening Poetry, funny poem, funny poetry, humor, humorous poetry, humour, Linda Vernon Humor Poetry, poem about gaining weight, quirky poetry

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

O’er ice cream, cake or pie

Your stomach never proves to be

Much smaller than your eye

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

When heaping full your platter

A garden salad? Or french fries?

(You know you’ll choose the latter!)

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

With pralines in the pantry

Sweets like these although they please

Make waists turn vigilante

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

On scents of roast beef gravy

Such nourishment will only serve

To make your waddle wavy

Until next time . . . I love you

The Crossroads of My Duck

March 12, 2014March 13, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine duck love, humor, humorous poetry, humorous verse, humour, Wordpress daily prompt

Welcome Dear Readers! What do 4,966,661 WordPress bloggers have in common?

Everyday bloggers just like you and me — except that they all have different names and different faces and probably aren’t the same height — are participating in a little thing called the WordPress Daily Prompt. Here’s today’s prompt:

Life is a series of beginnings and endings. We leave one job to start another; we quit cities, countries, or continents for a fresh start; we leave lovers and begin new relationships. What was the last thing you contemplated leaving? What were the pros and cons? Have you made up your mind? What will you choose?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us CROSSROADS.

The Crossroads of My Duck

I loved you, Duck, through pain and strife

Twas really hard to leave you

At the crossroads of your life

(I didn’t mean to peeve you)

You were my confidant, dear
Duck

For no one else I turned to

I seared you in that pan (for luck!)

I didn’t mean to burn you

The pros and cons of eating you

Were too numerous to list

l’orange? With honey? In a stew?

(I’m sure you get the gist)

Oh little duck, my feathery friend

You have no counterpart

But truth is friend (I can’t pretend)

My stomach won my heart

Until next time . . . I love you

Helen Magellen McNaulty McSqueeze

February 25, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine Atlas, humor, humorous, humorous poetry, humour, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Mother Teresa, Mother Teresa's muscles, Samson, trapeze

Helen Magellen McNaulty- McSqueeze

Has a problem with being too long in the knees

Her back is too short and her elbows are fat

And when she stands up

She leans over like that →

Helen Magellen McNualty McSqueeze

Had to give up her love of the flying trapeze

For it’s hard to do tricks when you’re shaped like an S

Cuz your acrobats always end up in a mess

But the thing to look out for with Mrs. McSqueeze

Is not to be anywhere near should she sneeze!

She’d fall to the ground like the Tower of Pisa

Pushed by Atlas and Samson and Mother Teresa

Until next time . . . I love you

* * *

P.S. If your stuck somewhere with nothing to read check out my guest post for Retirement and Good Living here.

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper

January 28, 2014February 9, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry funny, horrible art, humor, humorous, humorous poetry, humour, nonsense poetry, quirky poetry

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper ol’ man Chew

He don’t chew tabaccy and he don’t chew stew

And he don’t chew stew

And he don’t like you!

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper ol’ man Chew

"What are you chewing, Old Man Chew? Stew?" No! I'm not chewing anything! Read the poem idiot!" — **“Are you chewing stew?”**
**“No! I’m not chewing anything! Read the poem, idiot!”**

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper ol’ man Chaw

He don’t know nothin’ and he hates his ma

And he hates his ma

And he pesters his pa!

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper ol’ man Chaw

"What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen goldfish feet before? I'm going to go pester my Pa now." — **“What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen goldfish shoes before? My mom made me wear them. I’m telling Daddy!”**

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper Flack Jack Flea

He don’t know nothin’ cuz he just can’t see

Cuz he just can’t see

Cuz he drank beef tea!

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper Flack Jack Flea

"You sure that's beef tea? I can't see." — **“Are you sure that’s not beef tea? It causes blindness you know, although I suppose that’s probably a moot point now.”**

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper Nickerbocker Nug

I’ll take a sip from your crummy ol’ jug

From your crummy ol’ jug

That you always do lug!

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper Nickerbocker Nug

"It may be a crummy old jug, but it's my crummy old jug!" — **“It may be a crummy old jug, but at least it’s my crummy old jug. Some people don’t have any jugs at all!**

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

Hey what about me? Don't I get a stanza? No. Go get your own poem. — “Hey what about me? Don’t I get a stanza?”
“No. Go get your own poem. Now scram!”

Tarry Not Dear Gwendolyn

January 27, 2014May 24, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry comedy, credit card, going broke, humorous, humorous poetry, humour, original poetry and art, Poetry, Poor Dear Gwendolyn

Tary Not Dear Gwendolyn

Tary not Dear Gwendolyn

In TJ Max or Sears

Your bank account’s in shambles

And your bills are in arrears

Tary not Dear Gwendolyn

On stationery (lined)

That credit card you just ran through?

It’s sure to be declined.

Tary not Dear Gwendolyn

Over bobbles do not fuss

It would serve you well to keep in mind

You can’t afford the bus

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

The Poetry Barn: The Bad Decisions of Beatrice Crumb

January 3, 2014February 9, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine bad decisions, baloney, Beatrice Crumb, going to prison, humor, humorous poem, humorous poetry, humour, Istanbul, quirky humorous poetry

The Progressively Bad Decisions of Beatrice Crumb

Beatrice Crumb she was into her rum

And tequila and chocolate spumoni

Beatrice Crumb fell in love with a bum

On her way to Morocco with Tony

They drug him along, he regaled them with song

And smoked all their Kent cigarettes

He wore Tony’s pants (they were those of his aunt’s)

And ran up a mountain of debts

Beatrice Crumb, well she murdered the bum

On the road to Istanbul Turkey

Then Tony and her they both did concur

To sink him in waters quite murky

They went to the sea with explicit decree

To shove him to regions uncharted

But police waiting there — they arrested the pair

Before evidence could be discarded

Now Beatrice Crumb is foregoing her rum

And tequila and chocolate spumoni

Because in her venue, it’s not on the menu

It seems prison’s plumb full o’ baloney

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

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Coma for The Holidays

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When Writing A Book

by

The Overly-Creative Writing Lady

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MUSE REHAB

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The Crossroads of My Duck

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Pa Pa Riddle Rumper

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Tary Not Dear Gwendolyn

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The Progressively Bad Decisions of Beatrice Crumb

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