Welcome Dear Readers! Good News! You are just in time for our Slightly CreepySeventies Fix, where we look at pictures from the seventies that make us shudder and feel slightly sick to our stomachs because they are so weird and creepy.
It’s the kind of perverse pleasure only the Slightly Creepy Seventies can provide!
Today we’ll be making fun of this treasure from 1970:
“Well, honey, I like the new Seventies kitchen remodel, sure, but where will we put our books?”
Nothing epitomized a Seventies carefree childhood like a random ladder to nowhere.
And no Seventies bathroom remodel worth it’s weight in Mr. T gold chains was complete without a primitive seventies tanning bed.
And of course, every Seventies remodel had to feature a pool made out of horrendous “bricks of the seventies!”
Welcome Dear Readers! Say, have you ever speculated what people would have worn to the office if they would have had casual Friday back in the 1970’s?
I’m going out on a limb here, Dear Readers, and guess that the answer is no. Well, it’s high time we speculated then, don’t you think? Let’s get started.
She’s Got Slightly-Creepy 70’s Spunk!
She’s got style! She’s got vision! She’s got more 70’s spunk than a barrel of Mary Tyler Moores!
This casual-Friday, slightly-creepy 70’s outfit really puts the sass in sassafras and proclaims to the world, “I’m beautiful, I’m optimistic and I’m wearing a yellow hat!
Even Lou Grant could see that she has “taking a nothing day and suddenly making it all seem worthwhile” written all over her!
Tie Dye For!
Here’s a slightly-creepy seventies couple who obviously ride the bicycle they share to the beat of a different drummer!
You won’t find them jumping through their 1970’s boss’s demands! Their casual-Friday, slightly-creepy 70’s outfits say,” What? You got a problem with our 1970’s counter-culture casual attire? Screw you boss man! We’ll jump on the Schwinn that we share and ride, ride, ride! Away from the demands of “society” and its stupid “rules!” And, rest assured, Boss Man, the very second we learn to ride the bike that we share without trainings wheels? . . . Well it’s gonna be Sayonara Suckers!”
Most Popular 70’s Casual-Friday Attire for the CIA
Daring to wear an outfit like this in today’s office setting might cause a few double takes, but back the slightly-creepy 70’s, this outfit would have been considered just plain boring!
Nobody but nobody would have given the person wearing such an outfit a second glance.
The CIA knew that if one wanted to be inconspicuous against the back drop of the slightly-creepy 70’s office decor, this outfit fit the bill like none other! Which is why on any given day back in the slightly-creepy 70’s, anybody wearing an outfit like this was more than likely a CIA agent.
Driven to Slightly-Creepy 70’s Casual-Friday Distraction!
Here’s a slightly-creepy 70’s, casual-Friday outfit that drove everyone in the 70’s office wild! So much so that she was asked to go outside and lean up against a slightly-creepy 70’s tree.
Today, you would find workers out there with her smoking cigarettes, but back in the slightly-creepy 70’s, everyone just smoked at their desks happily puffing and blowing smoke down the hall, around the corner and up the nostrils of their slightly-creepy 70’s boss.
The only people who were ever asked to “take it outside” were the slightly-creepy 70’s fashionistas who went for broke, fashion-wise on slightly-creepy 70’s casual Friday.
And, of course, we can’t help but love them all for it!
And there you have it, Dear Readers! I hoped this answered your questions about . . . uh . . . well whatever the question was, I hope this answered it!
Welcome Dear Readers! Let’s see what we can learn about the Slightly-Creepy Seventies through the pages of this 1972 Slightly-Creepy Seventies Jello recipe book:
Yes there’s always room for Jello, but only if it matches something:
Here’s a slightly creepy-seventies woman who was clearly the Martha Stewart Forerunner of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies. Notice how the Jello she is preparing with her little pretend son, exactly matches the wallpaper in the background.
The real Martha Stewart was probably hiding in the closet with her Jello butcher knife (from a Jello mold she made herself) and, right after this picture was taken, bound and gagged the Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Martha Stewart Forerunner and locked her in the closet.
I bet if we were to look in that closet today, we’d find Slightly-Creepy- Seventies Martha Stewart Forerunner still in the closet, mummified sure, but still there nevertheless.
Ding Dong! It’s Slightly-Creepy Seventies Party Time!
I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you, Dear Readers, that in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, this is the kind of people who showed up on your doorstep to party.
And, it will also come as no surprise to you that if you asked someone to bring “The Dessert” in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, it meant that instead of bringing a decadent, seven-layer Bavarian Chocolate Cake, they would bring, instead, a big ol’ bowl of Jello!
You’ve got to give this lady kudos, however, for rummaging around long enough to find something she could add to her Jello dessert to ensure that it would match her outfit.
So what if she had to add a little of her husband’s black shoe polish? Who cares? Nobody’s going to eat any of it anyway because even if it is the Slightly Creepy Seventies, it’s still Jello.
It’s quarter to 3 and no one’s in the place except you and me and Jello. Oh and her — whoever she is.
As you can see, even though the lady who brought the Jello has ditched her husband to flirt with a ski instructor (who just happened to bring his skis to the party), the hostess has turned down the lighting so no one will notice that her dress only matches one plate and zero Jello desserts.
Don’t worry, even though she’s probably planning to chug that bottle of wine she’s holding, she’s only a tad bit suicidal. But then again who wasn’t in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies?
Slightly Creepy Seventies Hip Intellectuals gathered to eat Jello!
As you can see, this party is a big hit because the hostess has wisely chosen an outfit that not only mimics the art of the successful Jello “layering” but also picks up all the colors in the Jello Buffet.
The woman sitting next to the open window, however, rather than being pleased with herself, is contemplating plunging to her death because no one is eating the Jello dessert she made.
The very same Jello dessert she thought was so socially relevant when she took it out of the refrigerator — but now sees clearly that no one understood her nod to existentialism through disorientation and confusion in the face of the meaningless jiggling and wiggling.
Oh, and pay no attention to the lady sitting on the couch crocheting. She’s an escapee from this 1984 crocheting post. She’s obviously running from post to post trying to escape the madness of the past. And who can blame her really?
And there you have it, Dear Reader! I hope you were able to learn something about Jello’s influence on the decade of the Slightly Creepy Seventies and if you didn’t, all I can say is neither did I.
Welcome Dear Readers! It’s time for a dose of the Slightly Creepy Seventies. An era that always cheers us up simply due to the fact that we are not living in it!
Today’s Slightly Creepy Seventies Topic: Home Projects
Number One on the Slightly-Creepy Seventies Home Project List:
Life in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies was creepy. Times were weird. Coping was strange. That’s why the very first home project on every Slightly-Creepy Seventies handyman Dad’s list was a great, big, huge, honkin’, wine rack of epic proportions! Because nothing made the time whiz by in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies better than being incoherent.
And speaking of incoherent!
Here’s an adorable, Slightly-Creepy Seventies bedroom makeover Handyman Dad made for his little teenage daughter, Jennifer, or maybe her name’s Melissa.
Note the bitchin’ pocket-storage above the bed for those high school keepsakes, a cubby under the bed to store Captain and Tennille’s Greatest Hits , and there’s even a little desk for homework. But the main attraction is:
The Full Complimentary Bar
Oh sure, having a bar in a teenager’s bedroom by today’s standards might be considered negligent, but in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, nobody considered anything. Things simply happened. Handyman Dad thought it would be fun to install a bar in little whats-her-name’s bedroom and install a bar he did! Who are we to judge the parenting decisions of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies?
Now it’s time For Handyman Dad to enrich the lives of his other kids (the sober ones) by building a Slightly-Creepy Seventies Outdoor Play Structure.
Oh no! It looks like the force of gravity is ten times the normal amount!! Look out little Jennifer . . . Melissa?. . . Who Cares! It looks like Slightly Creepy Seventies Handyman Dad accidentally built this Slightly-Creepy Seventies play structure over a gravitational anomaly where the perceptions of the laws of physics and gravity are in question! What are the odds? Well the odds were actually 100 % in the Slightly Creepy Seventies!
So that takes care of Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Handyman Dad’s home projects for the kids. But what about his lovely wife, Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Mary Tyler Moore?
Well, Dear Readers, pictured below is the Slightly-Creepy Seventies home project Handyman Dad’s been dreaming about since he polished off the last bottle of wine in his Slightly-Creepy Seventies wine rack (see above). Perhaps you’ve already guessed what it’s going to be . . .
If you guessed a Slightly-Creepy Seventies Nursery/Stripper Pole, Congratulations! You’re really getting the hang of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies!
And for those of you who guessed correctly, be sure to stop off at MelissaJennifer who care’s room and fix yourself a Tom Colins, nobody will ever know the difference anyway as they are all outside trying to extract little whatshername from the Slightly-Creepy-Seventies, Outdoor Play Structure Gravity Vortex.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, a little Slightly-Creepy Seventies to get you through the weekend.
Welcome Dear Readers! Today, if you’re not feeling a little nauseous already, I thought it might be fun to flip through this House Beautiful Magazine from everyone’s favorite icky decade: The Slightly Creepy Seventies!
But what kind of a focal point? Hm. . . .
Now let’s turn to the next page shall we? Ready? (I’ll wait if you want to pop a Pepto Bismal.)
Now, this room is a good example of what happened back in the 70’s when your Slightly-Creepy Seventies Interior Decorator scarfed down a big bowl of yellow chrysanthemums and washed it down with a great big pitcher of ice-cold LSD for breakfast and then rushed over and redecorated your family room while in the throws of a cheerfulness overdose.
Actually, Cheerfulness Overdose was a common problem in the Slightly Creepy Seventies. In fact, more interior decorators were buried with huge grins on their faces in the Slightly Creepy Seventies than any other decade in history!
So I guess you could say there’s an upside to everything.
Hey! Look what awaits us on the next page . . .
And speaking of rocking chairs on the beach, I think I vaguely remember a Brady Bunch Episode involving a rocking chair/beach incident: I’ll try to retell it as best I can from memory:
Mike Brady: MarshaMarshaMarsha! Peter! Greg! Cindy! and Whatever the rest of your names are! We’ve driven 87 hours and we are finally at the beach!
MarshaMarshMarsha:But Dad, we live somewhere in LA. Why did it take us 87 hours to get here? The Pacific Ocean is just down the street.
Carol Brady: Oh Mike, you did it again. Hahahahahaha! You turned left when you should have turned right! Hahahahaha! We’re not at the Pacific Ocean, children, we’re at the Atlantic Ocean! Hahahahahaha!
Mike Brady: Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Alice: Hahahahahaha! I’ll lug the rocking chair down to the beach while you Bradys wait in the car and laugh.
Carol Brady: Hahahhahaha—
Alice: Wait a minute! Hold the landphone! The rocking chair’s not here! Somebody forgot it! I’m not one to point fingers but I think it was MarshaMarshaMarsha.
Mike Brady: Well, kids, it looks like we’re turning around and driving 87 hours home to get it. Hahahhahaha.
Carol Brady: But wait Mike, you left MarshaMarshaMarsha at the Atlantic Ocean.
Mike Brady: Hahahahhahahaha!
Carol Brady: Hahahahahahaha!
Say now, this next item looks interesting.
Her name was Betty Knowles and she lost 4 pounds and 6 inches off her waist in only eight days back in the Slightly Creepy Seventies using this lever and pulley exercise contraption. Unfortunately, once Betty got it all set up and herself situated inside of it, she could never figure out how to get out. Eight days later Betty was not only much, much slimmer, but also, she wasn’t wasting valuable time breathing or having a pulse anymore. Unfortunately she wasn’t found until last week about a quarter to five.
Sure, it was a sad Slightly Creepy Seventies demise for poor Betty Knowles, but the good news is she has been chosen as the main attraction at the Smithsonian Institute’s much anticipated upcoming exhibit: Mummified Peoples of the Slightly Creepy Seventies.
Proving once again there’s an upside to everything!
Well, Dear Readers, that’s it for today. If you need me I’ll be down at the Pacific Ocean. I’ll be the one sitting in the rocking chair eating a big bowl of yellow chrysanthemums.
Welcome, Dear Readers, to the Slightly Creepy Seventies. The decade in which babies who were dropped on their heads thirty years prior grew up to become Slightly Creepy Seventies Bedroom Designers.
File me under Zzzz.
Now here’s a typical slightly creepy seventies bizarre idea. Why not use the top of these filing cabinets as a guest bedroom? An idea that was so far ahead of it’s time that even millions of years from now there still won’t be any filing cabinet guest bedrooms.
Now let’s look at that desk. Go ahead. Take your time. (We’ve got several million years.) The caption on this picture explains that a desk extension (the one that you see there in the form of the world’s shortest ladder) has been designed in such a way as to allow an overnight guest to climb to the top of the ladder, and, while still facing the wall, launch him or herself into the air, whale-like, with a mighty backward thrust.
If the guest gets lucky, he or she will land squarely on the comfy two-inch mattress that has been lovingly provided by their slightly creepy seventies host.
I know. I can hear your next question from a million years away: “But what if guests miss the mattress completely?” Ha ha! No harm done. The good news is the open drawer on the filing cabinet will more than likely break his or her fall. But if that happens the bad news is kidney transplants haven’t been invented yet.
Good Lord! It’s a bed! Look away!!
Back in the slightly creepy seventies nothing was more hideous, more odious, more hippopotamus than looking at a cumbersome big ol’ bed sticking out in the harsh light of day smack dab in the middle of the bedroom floor for all the world to see.
Not counting the hair, clothing and pop culture of the Slightly Creepy Seventies, nothing could compare to the heartache of having to stare at a bed just sitting there stupidly and awkwardly all the livelong day. It was a bedroom design faux pas that would have made Mary Tyler Moore herself weep bitterly.
Luckily, bizarre Slightly Creepy Seventies bedroom designers solved this unsightly “bed” problem by making a bed that folded up into the wall at a moment’s notice!
“Hurry Mary Tyler Moore! Push! PUSH! We know you’re fashionably underweight by 20 to 30 pounds, but for heaven sakes, put some elbow grease into it, girl!”
That’s better Mary. Now quickly, pull out granny’s rocker and make like you’re just reading a magazine. That’s right! Just reading and rocking that’s all. Bed? What bed? Don’t know nothin’ ’bout no bed!
Don’t ask don’t tell!
What in the world is slightly creepy seventies Caroline up to? Did she rob the petty cash from the library where she works again and is hiding it in the safe she has cleverly hidden behind that picture?
Well don’t let those horn-rimmed glasses of hers fool you. Why? Because hidden behind that picture is no safe! It just so happens it’s a friggin’ state-of-the-art 12-inch Motorola color TV! Yes you heard me right with that little voice in your head that does all your reading!
And it seems our dear Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Caroline is a conservative librarian by day and a raging, out-of-control Mary Tyler Moore watching fool by night! Her secret longing? Why to turn the world on with her smile, of course. But she tells everyone she never watches TV . . . so keep it to yourself, huh?
The Circle of Life
Clearly this Slightly Creepy Seventies mom is enjoying her Slightly Creepy Seventies baby like nobody’s business. The bad news is she accidentally dropped this little guy on his head seconds after this picture was taken. The good news is he will grow up to carry on the tradition of Slight Creepy Seventies bedroom design well into the 21st Century and maybe even beyond, but probably not.
And there you have it Dear Readers. Now you can go about the rest of your day being thankful for the fact that you weren’t dropped on your head when you were a baby or, if you were, at least being thankful we’re no longer living in the Slightly Creepy Seventies.
Welcome Dear Readers to the world of the Slightly Creepy Seventies where we trip down memory lane by revisiting the pages of old magazines from the inexplicable decade of the 70’s.
Today we will be flipping through the pages of “let yourself sew – a complete sewing book for teens”
Let’s open to the first page. Oh look! It’s some actual Slightly Creepy Seventies Teens!
As you can see, all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies look like they are between the ages of 35 and 40. There are three theories for this: 1) The ugliness of the seventies was more aging to the skin than the rays of the Slightly Creepy Seventies Sun 2) wearing stupid outfits you sewed yourself altered the chemical structure of your DNA (not in a good way) or 3) all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies actually were between the ages of 35 and 40.
*Note the little boy in the striped, home-sewn whatevers is keeping a low profile. It seems one of the teenagers between 35 and 40 has started a family unbeknownst to mom. Sh . . .I won’t tell if you won’t.
Of course the Master Plan of sewing for your teenage self in the Slightly Creepy was to: “Create Your Never-Can-Be-Duplicated Specialness!”
Well okay then! And what better way to do that than to sew yourself a bathrobe and wear it out in public. Oh and don’t forget that really good friend with the cheerfully sympathetic expression to walk along beside you with her hand on your back like she’s guiding you as you schlep from place to place.
That way people who don’t understand your never-can-be-duplicated specialness, will just have to assume you’ve recently gone blind and haven’t figured out a workable system, as yet, for getting dressed in the dark. Either way it’s a slightly creepy seventies win/win!
The Slightly Creepy Seventies Heartbreak of Crochet Addiction
In a decade where everybody started their day out by brushing their teeth with cocaine, gargling with LSD and using a Mescaline moisturizer, what most people don’t realize is that it was actually crochet addiction that was responsible for ruining more 1970’s wardrobes than cocaine, LSD and Mescaline combined!
For Jessica, it all began with a simple crocheted chain stitch a couple of times a week. To unwind from a hard day of wandering around town in her corduroy bathrobe. No harm done really. Until she started lying to granny about all the “missing” yarn. Before you know it, she was parading up and down the streets in purple leotards and blue anklets wearing her crochet addiction on her sleeve like a an ugly crocheted vest and hot pants — begging strangers for money and lying that she was only going to use it to buy some Mescaline Moisturizer when in reality she was going to use it to buy a basket full of kittens and yarn —then shoo away the kittens. It didn’t end well for Jessica. Today she lives in a van down by the river she crocheted herself. (Both the van and the river.)
It’s An Applique, Okay?
Sure, this slightly creepy seventies teen looks 45 but that’s only by today’s standards. Back in the Slightly Creepy Seventies she didn’t look a day over 13! Why? Because she’s wearing a shirt with an arrow appliqued on it that’s why! An arrow that proclaimed to the world, “Yes! I have an arrow on my shirt, so? You got a problem with that? Get over it Mom! Get over it Dad! Get over it establishment!” Right after this she went down and signed up for a fake senior discount card! In your face boss man. You go teenage girl who looks 45!
Uh Oh . . . It looks like this Slightly Creepy Seventies slumber party where everyone sewed themselves a nightgown has taken a turn for the worse. Obviously Jessica and Jessica are suffering mightily from crochet addiction withdrawals and are engaged in a fight to the death for the last ball of granny’s yarn.
It’s an ugly reality that was often swept under even uglier crocheted rugs all over Slightly Creepy Seventies America. But then would we expect any less from the Slightly Creepy Sevenites?
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this edition of the Slightly Creepy Seventies. But remember, even though it is now 2015 — if someone invites you to try crocheting? Better stay on the safe side and just say no!