Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Today Gregory is telling the class about the time Jesus got baptized. Let’s listen in, shall we?
Jesus Gets Baptized
Before Jesus came along, John the Baptist was the official spokesperson for the Lord.
John the Baptist was a cousin of Jesus, but he was from the side of the family who were a little different. John the Baptist’s favorite outfit was a romper made of camel’s hair and a wide leather belt, and he ate nothing but locusts and honey. (He had the Jesus family sweet tooth though!)
John the Baptist had a little baptizing enterprise on the Jordan River. One day Jesus came to him to be baptized.
Here’s what scholars believe the conversation might have gone like:
John the Baptist: Jesus! Cousin! Nice to see you again. I was just having my lunch. Would you care for a locust sandwich? There’s plenty.
Jesus: Uh . . . no thank you I’ve already eaten lunch. I stopped at Saul’s All You Can Eat House of Figs on the way here. I’m stuffed!
John the Baptist: Well how about some dessert then? I’ve got honey . . .
Jesus: Sure, but first I was wondering if I could get you to baptize me?
John the Baptist: What? No! Me baptize you? NO! Get out! You should be baptizing ME!
Jesus: No! You should be baptizing me.
John the Baptist: No you!
Jesus: No you!
John the Baptist: No you!
Jesus: No you!
John the Baptist: Okay okay, you win cousin Jesus! Just let me finish my sandwich first.
Well, John the Baptist must have done an extra good job at baptizing Jesus because as soon as Jesus came out of the water, the Heavens opened up and the Spirit of God came down like a dove and landed on Jesus and then a voice said, “This is my own dear Son, with whom I am pleased,” which didn’t normally happen — if ever.
Right after that, The Dove lead Jesus into the desert to be tempted by the Devil. After 40 days and nights without food, Jesus was so hungry he wished he would have taken John the Baptist up on that honey and locust sandwich.
Just about the time The Dove was starting to look pretty darned delicious, the Devil showed up.
“If you are God’s son, order these stones to turn into bread.”
To which Jesus replied that man cannot live on bread alone but needs every word that God speaks. (Plus Jesus didn’t really care that much for bread that was made from magically transformed stones. He always though they had a funny after taste.)
But the devil had another trick up his red leotard
He whisked Jesus to the top of a temple in Jerusalem and told Jesus that if he threw himself off and the angels caught him, the devil would give him the deed to the world — all Jesus had to do was get down on his knees and worship him.
Hello? Could you be anymore obvious? Scholars believe Jesus might have thought just before blurting out, “Go away, Satan!
So the devil went to crawl back underneath the rock he had crawled out from under, but, by then, they were all loaves of bread.
And there you have it, Dear Reader, this week’s installment of the Bible According to Gregory.
Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Today Gregory was throwing spit wads so the teacher made him get up in front of the class and tell the story of the time Paul sailed to Rome.
Let’s listen in shall we?
Paul Sails for Rome
Today, our story begins just after the Apostle Paul has been released from prison in the town of Caesarea (home of the Caesarea Salad) after a little misunderstanding between Paul and some Asian Jews or perhaps they were Jewish Asians (Some scholars believe that was the crux of the misunderstanding right there).
Anyway, Julius, a Roman Centurion,and possibly founder of Orange Julius, was to guard Paul while they sailed to Rome where Paul was to stand trial. Julius was kind to Paul and let him drink all the Orange Julius he wanted on their voyage.
But as biblical sailing luck would have it, there soon arose a terrible storm. So in keeping with biblical navigational law, everyone agreed that this would be a perfect time to set sail out onto the open sea, while at the same time double-checking that all the lifeboats were left safely on shore.
Paul tried to talk them allout of it, but they failed to heed his advice — even though Paul’s info came from his special ability to accurately predict weather conditions due to his apostle status with “The Big Cheese and The Little Cheese who were one in the same Cheese.”
The next thing you know,an extraordinarily strong wind kicked up — known as the North-Easter Wind — which was much worse than it sounded.
It just kept blowing and blowing and blowingso that by the next day everybody starting throwing cargo and/or up overboard. Julius even had to dump his oranges.
But that didn’t help, sothey decided to throw the ship’s cutting-edge, navigational devices overboard, which, in those days, consisted of an anchor, a sun-dial and a magical goat purported to know right from left.
Finally, they gave up and lowered the sail and let the ship be carried off by the wind, and that’s when Paul decided it would be the perfect time to get up and make a speech starting with “I hate to say I told you so but . . . ”
Before anyone could get close enough to wring Paul’s neck, he quickly explained that he had been visited by an angel of The Big Cheese who said they would lose the ship but not their lives.
After that, Paul insisted everyone have a nice meal together, which they did, except for Julius who was still pouting about his oranges. Then they threw the rest of the wheat overboard just for kicks and giggles.
Shortly thereafter, they spotted the shoreline of Malta, the ship broke apart, and everybody swam or kick floated to shore, and they all celebrated with the Maltan natives by partaking in a three-day fire, the biblical equivalent of a Luau.
While Paul was collecting firewood,a snake bit his hand and everyone took time out from the festivities to watch Paul die. But not only did he not die, he felt so good he went ahead and healed everyone on the island of dysentery. (They even changed the name of the Island of Malta to the Island of Dysentery but changed it back when tourism started dropping off.)
Paul did make it a point, however, not to drink any of the water after that.
And there you have it! This week’s edition of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Be sure and check back next week for morebiblical adventures.
Welcome Dear Reader to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Today Gregory’s Bible School Teacher told him to pick one of his favorite bible stories to tell. Gregory chose to tell about the time Jesus healed a man born blind.
Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind
When Jesus was alive, he was always having to contend with an annoying bunch of cry babies called the Pharisees. The Pharisees were sticklers about working on the Sabbath because Old-Testament God hated that, and the Pharisees were Old-Testament God kiss ups of the worst kind.
A typical Sunday afternoon at a Pharisees house might have gone something like this:
Pharisee Hubby: Lilith, honey, would you mind getting me a fig?
Pharisee Wife: What? On the Sabbath? Elijoshua Abraham Moses Euphrates! What in God’s name has gotten into you? Having me get you a fig is work, is it not?
Pharisee Hubby: Whoops! What I meant was the next time you happen to get up to go to the bathroom or something — maybe could you just reach out and grab me a fig on your way back . . . Lilith? . . . Lilith, what are you doing with that grapevine, Lilith?
Pharisee Wife: I’m calling the authorities and having you dragged off and stoned to death.
Pharisee Hubby: But why?
Pharisee Wife: You wanted me to get you a fig. That’s working! And if I would have gotten you that fig, you were going to chew it, that’s working too.
Pharisee husband: But, honey, I was just gonna keep the fig in my mouth until Monday morning and then chew it up! Honest! We’ve been married 73 years. You’re being so harsh!
Pharisee wife: Boo-Hoo. Cry me a Jordan River, dead man.
Now, Jesus was a workaholic when it came to healing the sick, and He didn’t pay much attention to what day of the week it was as being the son of God was a 24/7, 365 type of responsibility.
Anyway, one day Jesus and his disciples came upon a man who had been blind from birth. His disciples wanted to know if the blind man was born blind because of his own sins (perhaps those he committed while coming down the birth canal) or if he was born blind because of the sins of his parents?
Turns out neither one! He was born blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him.
Anyway, since it was getting dark and the next day was the Sabbath, Jesus had to quickly get the blind man’s eyes healed since performing miracles was considered “work” and the Pharisees had taken to hiding behind bushes so they could catch Jesus working on the Sabbath.
So Jesus quickly spat on the ground and made a big batch of spittle mud and put it on the blind man’s eyes then told him to go to wash his face in the pool of Siloam.
The bible doesn’t mention how the blind man found the pool of Siloam since he had been blind since birth, and even if he wasn’t he had two globs of mud over his eyes –but find it he did! And not only did he have 20/20 vision when he washed the mud off; but also, his skin look fabulous!
After the blind man had washed the mud off his face, some people began talking about him as though he wasn’t standing right there.
“Hey isn’t that the blind guy?”
“No I don’t think so.”
“Hello? I can hear you.” said the newly-sighted blind man. “And yes it is me.”
“Oh, ” said the people. “Well, where did Jesus go?”
And the bible tells us that the blind man answered them by saying, “I don’t know.”
And that concludes today’s edition of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Be sure to drop by next Sunday for more exciting bible tales as told by, Gregory, the world’s worst Sunday School student to date.
Welcome, Dear Readers. Do you ever wake up in “one of those moods” where the whole world is just one big ball of bleh?
Well, this blog is officially announcing a new holiday.
National Bleh Day!
And in honor of National Bleh Day, let’s do something bleh by taking stupid pictures of the stuff on our desks. Here, I’ll get us started:
And there you have it, Dear Reader, our very first celebration of National Bleh Day. I hope your day will be as bland, and mediocre and uneventful as is humanly possible on, this, our very first National Bleh Day!
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories! This week Gregory is still away a Vacation Bible School learning about biblical swimming pools.
Jesus and the Pool of Bethesda
It was time for the Annual Jews and Sabbath Potluck dinner and Jesus (who always got invited to everything) decided to attend. Nobody knows what dish Jesus typically brought to these things, but chances are he just whipped up something Johnny on the spot.
Anyway, in order to get to the potluck, Jesus had to pass by the Jerusalem Sheep Gate behind which the sheep who were going to be sacrificed lived.
In biblical days people were cruel to sheep and kept them for the express purpose of killing and sacrificing them. Unlike today, where people only keep sheep for the express purpose of killing and eating them.
While Jesus was walking past the Jerusalem Sheep Gate, he happened to look over and right next to the sheep gate was the Bethesda Memorial Healing Pool. The pool had five porches upon which lay a lot of unhealthy people waiting to take a dip.
Some of the people were blind,some of the people were paralyzed and some of the people had a really bad case of eczema (sometimes called Leprosy).
This might be a good time to explain that the Bethesda Memorial Pool could cure disease if (and that’s a big if) you were lucky enough to be the first person to jump in the water after a heavenly angel would pop down and stir it with a Heavenly Egg Beater.
After that, the first person to jump inwould get healed and everybody else was up the Bethesda Pool without a paddle until the angel with the Heavenly Egg Beater made another visit.
One man had been waiting in line to jump in the water for 38 years. (It’s not as bad as it sounds because he was waiting in line while lying on his bed.) Jesus saw him he asked, “Do you want to get well?”
The man answered something to the effect that yes he did but he was too paralyzed to be the first one in the pool after the Heavenly Egg Beating.
So Jesus just cut to the chase and said to the man, “Get up, pick up your bed and walk.”
Now Jesus was telling the man to pick up his bed and walk, and this was a task that was considered work which was completely against the law on the Sabbath.
And sure enough, first thing Monday morning, the cured man was in deep trouble with the authorities for aimlessly wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath. (After 38 years laying by the pool, he couldn’t remember where he lived).
Authorities: Who told you to carry your bed around on the Sabbath? You’re supposed to be resting.
Cured Man:Sorry, I don’t remember his name . . . I’m terrible with names. I never forget a face though!
Later that day while the cured man was praying in the temple (probably for directions back home), Jesus recognized him and said:
“Listen, you are well now,so stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”
Jesus must have been wearinghis monogrammed robe because the cured man ran right to the authorities and told them the guy who cured him was named Jesus.
So the authorities hightailedit over to Jesus and demanded that Jesus explain to them why He had worked a healing on the Sabbath.
Jesus answered by saying, “My father is always working and I too must work.”
This really made the authorities mad. Aside from thinking that Jesus and His Dad were Sabbath workaholics; they were also completely put off by the fact that Jesus said his Dad was God.
Naturally this made the authorities want to persecute and kill Jesus even more than they already did.
And the cured man who was wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath? Rumor has it he put his back out from hauling his bed around everywhere and ended up right back at the Bethesda Pool.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, I hope you’ll come back next week for another installment of Gregory’s Bible Stories