Mr. Hoink’s Farm

Linda Vernon humor illustration of cow getting scratched by Mr. Hoink

Gregory’s Vaction Bible School: Jesus Gets Baptized

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Today Gregory is telling the class about the time Jesus got baptized. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Jesus Gets Baptized

Before Jesus came along, John the Baptist was the official spokesperson for the Lord.

John the Baptist was a cousin of Jesus, but he was from the side of the family who were a little different.  John the Baptist’s favorite outfit was a romper made of camel’s hair and a wide leather belt, and he ate nothing but locusts and honey.  (He had the Jesus family sweet tooth though!)

John the Baptist had a little baptizing enterprise on the Jordan River.  One day Jesus came to him to be baptized.

Here’s what scholars believe the conversation might have gone like:

John the Baptist:  Jesus! Cousin!  Nice to see you again.  I was just having my lunch.  Would you care for a locust sandwich?  There’s plenty.

Jesus:  Uh . . . no thank you I’ve already eaten lunch.  I stopped at Saul’s All You Can Eat House of Figs on the way here.  I’m stuffed!

John the Baptist:  Well how about some dessert then?  I’ve got honey . . .

Jesus:  Sure, but first I was wondering if I could get you to baptize me?

John the Baptist:  What?  No!  Me baptize you?  NO!  Get out!  You should be baptizing ME!

Jesus:  No!  You should be baptizing me.

John the Baptist:  No you!

Jesus:  No you!

John the Baptist:  No you!

Jesus:  No you!

John the Baptist:  Okay okay, you win cousin Jesus!  Just let me finish my sandwich first.

"That's not honey is it John?" "Ha ha!  No but I love your sense of humor, cousin! "
“That’s not honey is it John?”
“Ha ha! No but I love your sense of humor, cousin! “

Well, John the Baptist must have done an extra good job at baptizing Jesus because as soon as Jesus came out of the water, the Heavens opened up and the Spirit of God came down like a dove and landed on Jesus and then a voice said, “This is my own dear Son, with whom I am pleased,”  which didn’t normally happen — if ever.

Right after that, The Dove lead Jesus into the desert to be tempted by the Devil.  After 40 days and nights without food, Jesus was so hungry he wished he would have taken John the Baptist up on that honey and locust sandwich.

Just about the time The Dove was starting to look pretty darned delicious, the Devil showed up.

“If you are God’s son, order these stones to turn into bread.”

To which Jesus replied that man cannot live on bread alone but needs every word that God speaks.  (Plus Jesus didn’t really care that much for bread that was made from magically transformed stones.  He always though they had a funny after taste.)

"Turn these stones into bread!""You mean Including the one I'm sitting on?"
“Turn these stones into bread!”
“You mean up to and including the one I’m sitting on?”

But the devil had another trick up his red leotard 

He whisked Jesus to the top of a temple in Jerusalem and told Jesus that if he threw himself off and the angels caught him, the devil would give him the deed to the world — all Jesus had to do was get down on his knees and worship him.

Hello?  Could you be anymore obvious?  Scholars believe Jesus might have thought just before blurting out, “Go away, Satan!

So the devil went to crawl back underneath the rock he had crawled out from under, but, by then, they were all loaves of bread.

And there you have it, Dear Reader, this week’s installment of the Bible According to Gregory.

Jesus composing himself after seeing what John the Baptist was wearing.
Jesus composing himself after seeing John the Baptist in his camel-hair romper.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

The Bible According to Gregory, John the Baptist Linda Vernon Humor

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Paul Sails for Rome

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Today Gregory was throwing spit wads so the teacher made him get up in front of the class and tell the story of the time Paul sailed to Rome.

Let’s listen in shall we?

Paul Sails for Rome

Today, our story begins just after the Apostle Paul has been released from prison in the town of Caesarea (home of the Caesarea Salad) after a little misunderstanding between Paul and some Asian Jews or perhaps they were Jewish Asians (Some scholars believe that was the crux of the misunderstanding right there).

Anyway, Julius, a Roman Centurion, and possibly founder of  Orange Julius, was to guard Paul while they sailed to Rome where Paul was to stand trial.  Julius was kind to Paul and let him drink all the Orange Julius he wanted on their voyage.

But as biblical sailing luck would have it, there soon arose a terrible storm.  So in keeping with biblical navigational law, everyone agreed that this would be a perfect time to set sail out onto the open sea, while at the same time double-checking that all the lifeboats were left safely on shore.

Paul tried to talk them all out of it, but they failed to heed his advice — even though Paul’s info came from his special ability to accurately predict weather conditions due to his apostle status with “The Big Cheese and The Little Cheese who were one in the same Cheese.”

The next thing you know, an extraordinarily strong wind kicked up — known as the North-Easter Wind — which was much worse than it sounded.

It just kept blowing and blowing and blowing so that by the next day everybody starting throwing cargo and/or up overboard. Julius even had to dump his oranges.

Bible According to Gregory Apostle Paul
“No Paul!  Not my oranges!”
“Hey listen, I just threw an entire case of Cesearea Salad Dressing overboard, we all have to make sacrifices, Julius.”

But that didn’t help, so they decided to throw the ship’s cutting-edge, navigational devices overboard, which, in those days, consisted of an anchor, a sun-dial and a magical goat purported to know right from left.

Finally, they  gave up and lowered the sail and let the ship be carried off by the wind, and that’s when Paul decided it would be the perfect time to get up and make a speech starting with “I hate to say I told you so but . . . ”

Before anyone could get close enough to wring Paul’s neck, he quickly explained that he had been visited by an angel of The Big Cheese who said they would lose the ship but not their lives.

After that, Paul insisted everyone have a nice meal together, which they did, except for Julius who was still pouting about his oranges.  Then they threw the rest of the wheat overboard just for kicks and giggles.

Shortly thereafter,  they spotted the shoreline of Malta, the ship broke apart, and everybody swam or kick floated to shore, and they all celebrated with the Maltan natives by partaking in a three-day fire, the biblical equivalent of a Luau.

While Paul was collecting firewood, a snake bit his hand and everyone took time out from the festivities to watch Paul die.  But not only did he not die, he felt so good he went ahead and healed everyone on the island of dysentery. (They even changed the name of the Island of Malta to the Island of Dysentery but changed it back when tourism started dropping off.)

Paul did make it a point, however,  not to drink any of the water after that.

And there you have it! This week’s edition of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Be sure and check back next week for more biblical adventures.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Adventures of Roger the Baby

Today:  Roger’s Teeny Communication Foible

“I need your advice, Roger.” I remarked to my three-month-old baby, Roger.

“Wait until I’m through drooling.” Roger replied evenly.

“I’m hiring a babysitter.”

“Nancy, listen . . . “

“Don’t call me Nancy, Roger. Call me Mother, Roger, remember?”

“You mean you want me to call you Mother Roger Remember, Mother?”

“Oh Roger!  Your linguistics are appalling!”

“Perhaps, but no babysitter, huh?  I’ll just nap.”

“I’m acquiescing but reluctantly, Roger.”

“Oh and bring home a rattle, Nancy.”

“You mean bring home a rattle, Mother, Roger!”

“Fine! Bring home a rattle mother roger too, if you must then, Nancy.”

Roger and his mother, Nancy
Roger and his mother, Nancy

Until next time . . . I love you

Peculiar Poetry: An Annoying Visit From the Muse

 

MUSE REHAB

The Muse unused

marched into my dream last night

Standing there in leotard and tight

Lit up and fully boozed

The Muse pulled out a kiteLinda Vernon Humor Horrible Art

 

I snoozed enthused

The Muse released the kite to flight

And held the string so very tight

No blood therein could be diffused

Its knuckles turned to lily white

 

I perused bemused

Its fist was like a candle light

I couldn’t sleep (it was too bright)

With this, the Muse was quite amused

(I blew it up with dynamite)

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

Welcome Dear Reader to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Today Gregory’s Bible School Teacher told him to pick one of his favorite bible stories to tell.  Gregory chose to tell about the time Jesus healed a man born blind.

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesJesus Heals a Man Born Blind

When Jesus was alive, he was always having to contend with an annoying bunch of cry babies called the Pharisees.  The Pharisees were sticklers about working on the Sabbath because Old-Testament God hated that, and the Pharisees were Old-Testament God kiss ups of the worst kind.

A typical Sunday afternoon at a Pharisees house might have gone something like this: 

Pharisee Hubby:  Lilith, honey, would you mind getting me a fig?

Pharisee Wife:  What?  On the Sabbath?  Elijoshua Abraham Moses Euphrates! What in God’s name has gotten into you? Having me get you a fig is work, is it not?

Pharisee Hubby:  Whoops! What I meant was the next time you happen to get up to go to the bathroom or something — maybe could you just reach out and grab me a fig on your way back . . .   Lilith? . . .  Lilith, what are you doing with that grapevine, Lilith?

Pharisee Wife:  I’m calling the authorities and having you dragged off and stoned to death.  

Pharisee Hubby:  But why?

Pharisee Wife:  You wanted me to get you a fig.  That’s working!  And if I would have gotten you that fig, you were going to chew it, that’s working too.

Pharisee husband:  But, honey, I was just gonna keep the fig in my mouth until Monday morning and then chew it up!  Honest! We’ve been married 73 years. You’re being so harsh!

Pharisee wife:  Boo-Hoo.  Cry me a Jordan River, dead man.

Now, Jesus  was a workaholic when it came to healing the sick, and He didn’t pay much attention to what day of the week it was as being the son of God was a 24/7, 365 type of responsibility.

Anyway, one day Jesus and his disciples came upon a man who had been blind from birth.  His disciples wanted to know if the blind man was born blind because of his own sins (perhaps those he committed while coming down the birth canal) or if he was  born blind because of the sins of his parents?

Turns out neither one!  He was born blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him.

Anyway, since it was getting dark and the next day was the Sabbath, Jesus had to quickly get the blind man’s eyes healed since performing miracles was considered “work” and the Pharisees had taken to hiding behind bushes so they could catch Jesus working on the Sabbath.

So  Jesus quickly spat on the ground and made a big batch of  spittle mud and put it on the blind man’s eyes then told him to go to wash his face in the pool of Siloam.

The bible doesn’t mention  how the blind man found the pool of Siloam since he had been blind since birth, and even if he wasn’t he had two globs of mud over his eyes –but find it he did!   And not only did he have 20/20 vision when he washed the mud off; but also, his skin look fabulous!

After the blind man had washed the mud off his face,  some people began talking about him as though he wasn’t standing right there.

“Hey isn’t that the blind guy?”

“No I don’t think so.”

“Hello? I can hear you.” said the newly-sighted blind man.  “And yes it is me.”

“Oh, ” said the people. “Well, where did Jesus go?”

And the bible tells us that the blind man answered them by saying, “I don’t know.”

And that concludes today’s edition of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Be sure to drop by next Sunday for more exciting bible tales as told by, Gregory, the world’s worst Sunday School student to date.

Humorous bible Story

Until next time . . . I love you

National Bleh Day

The Bored Family

Welcome, Dear Readers.  Do you ever wake up in “one of those moods”  where the whole world is just one big ball of bleh?  

Well, this blog is officially announcing a new holiday.

National Bleh Day!  

And in honor of National Bleh Day, let’s do something bleh by taking stupid pictures of the stuff on our desks.  Here, I’ll get us started:

desk 1
Bleh doesn’t really get any more Bleh than this. The centerpiece of this picture is the spoon I ate my cereal with. I don’t know what happened to the bowl. I think I might have accidentally eaten it. How does it fee to eat a bowl?  Frankly, I don’t even remember it.
Here's the Old Fogey cereal that was in the bowl I ate.  It's got fiber and 80 calories so I ate four (4) bowls which probably means I ate the same amount of calories and sugar as two maple bars.  Why didn't I just eat Maple Bars instead?  Because today is National Bleh day.  And what better way to Bleh Out!
Here’s the Old-Fogy cereal that was in the bowl I ate. It’s got fiber and 80 calories so I ate four (4) bowls which probably means I ate the same amount of calories and sugar as two maple bars. Why didn’t I just eat two Maple Bars instead? Because today is National Bleh Day which I am beginning to hate already.
Here's a notebook I've had in my desk drawer for probably 6 years.  Just judging from this note I made myself, you can kind of see why I'm always missing appointments and why I'm not a millionaire.  I start to doodling half-way through every note rendering every note I've ever made totally useless.  Frankly that's one of the reasons I've started National Bleh Day.  So I can finally get some use out of all this pointless stuff I have/
Here’s a notebook I’ve had in my desk drawer for probably 6 years. Just judging from this note I made myself, you can kind of see why I’m always missing appointments and why I’m not a millionaire. I start  doodling half-way through every note rendering it totally useless. Frankly, that’s one of the reasons I’ve started National Bleh Day. So I can finally get some use out of all this pointless stuff I have. ( I would have turned this vertically so you could read it better, but what with it being National Bleh Day, why bother?)
How much more uninspiring can this picture get?  The answer is none more inspiring
How much more  Bleh can this picture get? The answer is none more Bleh.  I probably went to too much work for this picture as it is.   Anyway, that pen is the pen I sometimes use when I need to write something with a pen.  The nail polish I have on right now (see below).  That’s my coffee in the background (it’s cold).  And that little green block is something I bought one time.  Why?  
Okay, here's what the nail polish looks like on my fingernails.  I know they kind of look like my toes, but their not.  My toes are shorter and fatter.  I kind of like clear nail polish because when it chips off, you don't really notice.  Who do I even bother with the clear?  Well, it's the kind of thing one contemplates on National Bleh Day.
Okay, here’s what the nail polish looks like on my fingernails. I know they kind of look like my toes, but they’re not.  My toes are shorter and fatter. I kind of like clear nail polish because when it chips off, you don’t really notice.
But then you have to ask yourself, if you can’t tell if it’s chipped, it probably doesn’t show enough to even bother with.
I don’t’ know whether to put a question mark after the above sentence because I can’t tell if it’s a question or not.
See this is the kind of stuff discussed on National Bleh Day.  Aren’t you glad I started National Bleh Day? No? Me neither. (Wait . . . did  I just agree or disagree with myself?)
Oh hey!  Here's an old piece of candy I found in my desk.  It looks old.  It looks like it would taste pretty Bleh.
Oh hey! Here’s a piece of candy I found in my desk. It looks old.  It looks like it would taste pretty Bleh.  Let’s find out shall we?
Yup I was right.  It does taste Bleh.  Probably because I think it's been in my desk drawer since 2012.  Of course, that doesn't stop me from eating the whole stale piece.  Why?  Because that's what people do on National Bleh Day.
Yup I was right. It does taste pretty Bleh. Probably because I think it’s been in my desk drawer since 2009. Of course, that won’t  stop me from eating the whole stale piece. Why? Because that’s what people do on National Bleh Day.

And there you have it, Dear Reader, our very first celebration of National Bleh Day.  I hope your day will be as bland, and mediocre and uneventful  as is humanly possible on, this, our very first National Bleh Day!

Until next time . . . I love you