Gregory’s Bible Stories: Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories!

Today in Sunday school Gregory gave an oral report on how Lot’s family manged to escape the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and their Chamber of Commerce mixer.gregory

 

 Escaping The Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce Mixer

One biblical evening in Sodom when Lot, his wife, Betty, and his two daughters, Mary Magdalene Kate and Ashley were about to sit down to feast with two of God’s best-looking angels, an angry mob began pounding on Lot’s door.

Lot:  Who is it?

Angry mob:  Tis us– the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce. We came to get God’s two best-looking angels and take them to our Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce mixer.

Best Looking Angel #1:  Would you mind telling them, Lot,  that we’d rather die but thanks anyway?

Best Looking Angel #2:  Oh and speaking of dying, Lot,  I almost forgot our whole reason for coming.  HA!   The Lord sent us to get you and your relatives out of Sodom and Gomorrah before He pushes His almighty destruction button and turns it to Smithereens.

Lot:   Smithereens?  Are you sure you don’t mean Nazarenes?

BLA #2:  No.  You see the Lord is going to wipe Sodom and Gomorrah off the face of the planet.

Lot:  What’s a planet?

BLA#2:  Oy!  Okay let me put it in a way your more likely to understand.  How would you like to hear a Sodom and Gomorrah knock knock joke?

Lot:  Sure.

BLA #2:  Knock knock

Lot:  Who’s there

BLA#2:  Armageddon

Lot:  Armageddon who?

BLA#2:  Armageddon through to you?  If the Lord destroys Sodom and Gomorrah, you’ll be toast!

Lot:  But I love toast. Shall I let the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce in now?

Suddenly one of the angels looked into the sky and saw that it was partly cloudy with a 90 percent chance of burning sulfur rain.   So they took the hands of  Lot and his wife and daughters and lead them out of the city of Sodom and told them to run for their lives up into the mountains lest they become toast.

Lot:  But my feet are killing me as my sandals have no arch support.  Couldn’t we just go to that little town up ahead?

The Lord:  (this is where the Lord decided to get in on the conversation):  All right, I agree.  I won’t destroy that town.  Hurry Run!  I can’t do anything until you get there.

The sun was rising when Lot and his family schlepped into the little town that Lot had renamed Zoar on the way there because he thought Zoar meant “little town”  but it really meant “good arch support” but nobody had the heart to tell him that.

Everybody wanted to watch as the Lord rained down burning sulfur on the city of Sodom and Gomorrah but nobody did except for Betty who instantly turned into a pillar of salt — which of course left Lot feeling horrible.

After that, Lot was  forced to grieve alone as there were even fewer support groups for Pillar of Salt Widows then than there are today.

Luckily Lot was able to finally recover from his grief and went on to become a charter member of the Zoar Chamber of Commerce where he made sure toast was served at all the mixers.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Stay tuned next week to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

a picture of Sodom and Gomorrah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yak Problems

Yak

 

 

img078Until next time . . . I love you

 

My Brain, Peanuts, Has Four Eyes

I broke my glasses because my brain, Peanuts, placed them directly underneath where my foot was supposed to go.

My Brain, Peanuts
My Brain, Peanuts

Peanuts and I have been wearing glasses now for 20 years due to adult onset blurriness, and you’d think my brain, Peanuts, would have figured out a way to not step on them.

But no, every once in a while Peanuts has to test me to see if I’m still paying attention (and I never am).

I don’t get it because there’s nothing Peanuts and I hate doing more than having to get new glasses.  What was Peanuts thinking?

So I got my husband, 37, to tape them back together for me, because he’s an engineer so he knows about things like that.

Except that I didnt trust his taping judgment once he was done and added more tape myself.

So now I’m officially a nerd.

I’d take a picture to show you but I think it might be too early in the morning for that. Oh what the heck, let’s live dangerously shall we?

Me in my new nerdy glasses:

Well, wait a minute . . . let me see if I can take the picture from a better angle:

Oh that’s better.  I like this of me in my nerdy glasses a little better because you can’t really see the tape all that much.

Anyway, what were we talking about?  Oh yeah, the careless behavior of my brain, Peanuts.

So now Peanuts and I will have to stumble down to the glasses store and get those nasty drops put in.  Then once we are legally blind, we will be guided out front to pick out frames from the two or three thousand styles displayed right in front of our eyes somewhere.

The conversation with the professional four-eyes care specialist will go something like this:

Me:  How do these look on me?

Her:  Oh those look good on you.

Me:  Really?  Well how about these?

Her:  Oh!!! Those look good on you!

Me.  Really?  What about these?

Her:  Oh those!!! Look good on you.

Me:  How about these?

Her:  Oh those, look!!!  Good on you!!

Me:  And these?

Her:  Oh those look good!!! On you!!

Me:   Oh but what about these?

Her:  Oh those look good on!!!  You!!!!!

Me:  Oh, yeah, what about these?

Her:  Oh those look good on you.

Of course, we all know how this story ends.  Peanuts and I will finally decide on frames, then go back to pick them up three weeks later because their motto is ready in about an hour give or take three weeks.

Me Picking Up My Glasses:  Are you sure these are my glasses because they look horrible and I can’t see a thing.

Her:  OH!!! THOSE!!! LOOK!!! GOOD!!! ON!!! YOU!!!

Then Peanuts and I will go home and while I’m crying my eyes out, Peanuts will be eating a 1000 grams of sugar.

Until next time . . . I love you

More Magazine Mashups

Welcome Dear Readers! It’s time once again for another edition of Magazine Mashups, where my brain, Peanuts, splices together existing magazines to come up new ones.

Today Peanuts took SLO LIfe Magazine:

Slo Life Magazine

And combined it with a Magazine called B:

bcoverkeyholefeb98

To Get:

Slob Mag

 

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  SLOB Magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The Ten Commandments

Welcome, Dear Readers to the very last week of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Next week, Gregory will go back to attending regular Sunday School where the teacher will continue working her way through the bible, story by story.  

Since this is the last day of Vacation Bible School, the teacher asked Gregory to give a report about how Moses got the ten commandments.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

The Bible according to Gregory LInda Vernon HumorHow Moses Got the Ten Commandments

One bright shiny biblical morning, the Lord said to Moses, “Cut two stone tablets like the first ones, and I will write on them the words that were on the first tablets you broke. (Moses was all thumbs.)

So Moses cut two stone tablets and  lugged them all the way up to the top of Mount Sinai (the Lord’s favorite mountain).

Hey Hey You You Get Offa My Cloud!

The Lord came down in a cloud and stood with Moses, and the Lord pronounced his holy name which was pronounced “The Lord” and said to Moses, “I, the Lord, am a god who is full of compassion . . . but I will not fail to punish children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generations for the sins of their parents.” (The Lord was fond of starting his conversations in the middle of a thought.)

“I know you’re the Lord because you’re the only one I know who drives a cloud, ha ha!.”  Is what Moses might have wanted to say as well as point out to the Lord that keeping track of which grandkids of all those sinning great-grandparents to punish was going to be a real headache.

But the Lord was already onto the His next topic.  “I, the Lord, am going to do an awesome thing for you.”

“For Moi, Moses?”

“Oui ! Si! Ja! Da!” said the Lord who was toying with some new languages.

The Lord Smites the “ites”.

Then the Lord began listing all those he would drive out of their homes so his favorite kid, Moses, and all his friends could move in.  Moses knew from past experience that this was going to take a while, so he pulled up a rock and  began cleaning his fingernails with the hem of his robe.

“There’s the Amorites, the Canannites,” the Lord began “and the Hitites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and Amorites . . wait I already said them . . . I mean the . . . uh . . . ”

The Israelites?” Moses piped up.

“No, you guys are the Israelites, Moses!”

“Oh! Ha ha I knew that, I was just testing you.”

“No I , the Lord, am trying to think of that other tribe  . . .oh . . . what’s the name of those peoples?  It’s on the tip of my Almighty Tongue . . . ”

“I’ll bet it ends with an  “ite”!  Moses quipped.

The Lord shot Moses a look that said, “Don’t make me get my lightening bolt.”

I, the Lord, hope you’re writing all this down, Moses

Then the Lord started dictating a long list of covenants that Moses began chiseling into the stone tablets.  And he found he was actually able to keep up rather nicely and commended himself for having the wherewithal to take that Shorthand for Hebrews correspondence course last summer during the Great Sheep Industry Lull of Minus 2347.

Moses speed chiseled everything the Lord said for 20 days and 20 nights, and spent the following 20 days and 20 nights icing his carpal tunnel syndrome and  re-reading everything back to the Lord for accuracy.

Unfortunately for Moses, the Lord was so involved in what he was saying, he completely forgot to offer Moses anything to eat or drink  —  scholars believe this is because the Lord  wasn’t keen on doing his own cooking and Fresca hadn’t been invented yet.

The face that would have launched a thousand ships if they would have had any (ships, that is)

About the time everyone was giving up on ever seeing Moses again, here he came skiing down Mount Sinai (by now it was winter) carrying the Ten Commandments.

But everyone was afraid to go near Moses because they saw that his face was shining, either from having taken a couple of face plants in the snow (Moses was a horrible skier) or because he had been talking with the Lord for 40 days and nights.

Either way, Moses had to wear a veil over his face for the rest of his life whenever he talked to anyone except the lord because everybody found the shine from his face to be hugely distracting. (Sunglasses hadn’t been invented yet.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.

The Bible According to Gregary Linda Vernon Humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Photo credit: Illustrators of the 1897 Bible Pictures and What They Teach Us by Charles Foster from wiki images

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Elijah and Elisha

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s vacation bible school.  Gregory is having a lot of fun at bible school this summer.  Today he was asked to tell the story of Elijah and Elisha.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

 Elijah and Elisha

Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than “today”.  On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two bible men named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred).

The Very First Biblical Groupie

Eli was a traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan who followed Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog.

Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore.

Eli:  Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven.  So I’ll see ya around.

Fred:    Yeah but where are you going now?

Eli:   The Jordan River.

Fred:  Oh I love the Jordan River!  I’ll come too!

Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.

Fred:  I see plenty of room in the cart!

Eli:  Yeah, but I like to stretch out.

Fred:   Oh right!  Gotcha!  I’ll just run along behind.

When they got to the Jordan River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, he was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.”  (This was way before swimming had been invented.)

Fred: What?  You’re going to do some water parting?  Oh I love that!  I’ll come too.

Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.

A Lovely Parting Gift

Eli:  Hey listen Fred.  I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind  comes to get me.  So what would you like?

Fred:  Oh gosh.  I need so many things.  Some new sandals maybe?

Eli:  Great new sandals it is!

Fred:  But then again I could use a new cloak.  This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.

Eli:  Great.

Fred:  No wait!  I know!  I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!

Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!”

And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.

A Biblical Nervous Breakdown

Fred was so grief stricken, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails.  (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)

Then he spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on.  Seconds later, the Jordan River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him.

Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that Eli was nowhere to be found.

But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain. (This was way before Tide Sticks had been invented.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Vacation Bible School school! Check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns about next.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Elijah Ascends on the Lord's fiery chariot to heaven