What’s New in Big Whoopsies

May 29, 2015May 29, 2015 Linda Vernon What's New in Big Woopsies creme brulee and live anthrax mix up, humor, humorous, humour, Nautilus Magazine, oh that silly US government, Pentagon accidentally ships live anthrax to itself, pentagon makes anthrax boo boo, postage stamps courtesy of Uncle Sam, The Live Anthrax Shinnanigans

Today’s Big Whoopsie:

Pentagon accidentally ships Live Anthrax . . .

On May 27th, the Pentagon admitted that it had shipped live anthrax to facilities in multiple U.S. states, and to a U.S. airbase in South Korea—by accident. Anthrax is usually kept in highly secure biolabs with multiply redundant safeguards. But we’ve always known there is room for human error. —Nautilus Magazine

The possible scenario as to how this big Whoopsie happened:

Pentagon Live Anthrax Workers, Larry and Lenny — Larry and Lenny, Pentagon Live Anthrax Experts

Lenny: Hey Larry whatcha eatin’?

Larry: Dessert.

Lenny: It looks weird, what is it?

Larry: Creme brulee. I make it myself. I brought extra if you want one.

Lenny: Oh cool! I’ll definitely try one.

Larry: Okay.

Lenny: Where are they?

Larry: On that table over there.

Lenny: The one with the test tubes on it?

Larry: No the one behind it.

Lenny: You mean the one with the beakers on it?

Larry: No, the table in the back. I put them right next to all those Live Anthrax Petri dishes you made yesterday.

A few minutes later:

Larry: Well, what do you think of my creme brulee, Lenny?

Lenny: Mm . . . this is killer creme brulee, Larry!

Larry: Yeah, I guess you could say creme brulee is my specialty.

Lenny: Why’d you make so many?

Larry: I sending them to all my buddies in our nine different labs around the US and South Korea.

Lenny: That’s really nice of you but aren’t you worried you’ll get the creme brulee and the live Anthrax mixed up?

Larry: Naaaaaa.

Lenny: Well it’s going to cost you a fortune to ship them.

Larry: Hahahaha!

Lenny: Why are you laughing?

Larry: Are you kidding? Uncle Sam’s paying for it.

Lenny: You want to know something, Larry, just between you and me?

Larry: What?

Lenny: I haven’t paid for a single postage stamp since I started working at the Pentagon in 1992.

Lenny: Me neither.

Until next time . . . I love you (especially you Pentagon!)

Once Again Trying to Cheer Up Edgar Allan Poe

May 28, 2015 Linda Vernon The Daily Routine American Literature poetry humor, comedy, edgar allan poe, Edgar Allan Poe can't stop saying bells, Edgar Allan Poe smiles, Edgar Allan Poe's depression, humor, humour, satire, why the long face? Cheer up Eddie

Welcome Dear Readers! As you may know from time to time this blog takes it upon itself to attempt to cheer up American Literature’s most Gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe. Join me, won’t you as we give it yet another try.

Hey Eddy! What’s that you’ve got there?

the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells —

Oh well, that’s cheery! Bells are kind of fun. What is it you like about them?

How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
In the icy air of night !

Okay. Well, listen it’s a little cold out here in the icy air of night. How about we go inside and you can tinkle your bells indoors.

Hear the mellow wedding bells
Golden bells!

Okay are you talking about different bells than the ones you’re currently tinkling? Cause I can’t hear anything over all that tinkling, Edgar!

To the swinging and the ringing

Of what? The wedding bells?

Of the bells,bells, bells,

Bells, yes, I got that part.

Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,

Yeah yeah yeah yeah! Got it!

Bells, bells, bells –

Edgar stop saying bells!

To the swinging and the ringing
                Of the bells, bells, bells,
      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
                     Bells, bells, bells –

Okay, Edgar you’re about one second away from getting your face slapped.

Hear the loud alarum bells —
Brazen bells !

Sorry, I don’t hear any alarum bells and I don’t mean to be critical but you spelled alarm wrong and it’s such an easy word, Ed, come on!

   Oh, the bells, bells, bells !
                  What a tale their terror tells
                         Of Despair !

Okay now this is exactly what I’m talking about, Ed. Everything was going along fine. You were tinkling some cheery little bells and like two seconds later all of a sudden it’s nothing but terror and Despair! Can’t you just lighten up for like ten seconds?

In the silence of the night,
How we shiver with affright

Affright? Okay, now you’re just flat out making up negative words! Why not turn that frown upside down and make up some cheery words! You’d feel a lot better about things. Do you know any cheery words?

In a happy Runic rhyme,
To the rolling of the bells –

Okay yeah! There you go! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

To the rolling of the bells —
Of the bells, bells, bells —

EDGAR! Stop saying bells! I’m begging you!

Of the bells, bells, bells, bells —
Bells, bells, bells —

Okay Edgar, that’s it. I’m getting out the duct tape. It’s going over your mouth right now unless you promise me you will stop saying bells.

bells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bells

Okay that does it, Buster!

Well, at least he’s finally smiling.

Until next time . . . I love you

The History of Lint

May 26, 2015 Linda Vernon Linda's History Lessons, The Daily Routine Ancient Egyptian lint, captioned history, founding fathers and lint, humor, humorous history lessons, humour, lint in the middle ages, Pythagoras, Roman Empire and lint, Socrates, the history of lint

Welcome Dear Reader to Linda’s History Lessons. Today’s lesson is: The History of Lint.

Lint and the Ancient Egyptians

The very first mention of lint in recorded history was in Egypt. It was recorded in hieroglyphics by HeySup Tutankhamun when he noticed some lint balling up in the creases of his pleated skirt. After exhaustive study, scholars (who are now home lying down with cool washcloths on their foreheads) believe that the hieroglyphic for lint was represented by the following symbols:

Lint and the Ancient Greeks

The second mention of lint is found among the ruins of Greece. Scholars of ancient Greece have argued themselves sick over the topic of ancient Grecian Lint. (One scholar was so winded from arguing he had to be hospitalized.) However, many believe the great philosopher, Socrates, was the most lint savvy.

Still, other scholars believe the go-to lint expert when it came to Ancient Greek Lint was the great mathematician Pythagoras:

Lint and the Roman Empire

The Roman Empire was all mixed up about lint. Scholars who study the Roman Empire ad nasueam in the vomitorium have concluded that while the Romans were genius builders and conquerors, they had it all wrong when it came to lint and especially the removal thereof:

Lint and The Middle Ages

Scholars can also agree on this one. Nobody in the middle ages had any idea about lint whatsoever.

Lint and The Age of Exploration

Scholars insist that on his maiden voyage Christopher Columbus brought back 480 cubic tons of lint to Queen Isabella. But before you get too attached to this fact, you should remember that scholars determined this while splitting a large pepperoni pizza and a couple cases of Alhambra Mezquita beer courtesy of San Miguel Lint Manufacturing Corporation.

Lint and the Founding Fathers

Scholars believe that the failure to mention lint in the Declaration of Independence was instrumental in winning the revolutionary war. But unfortunately, we will have to wait until they sober up to find out why.

And there you have it, Dear Readers. Today’s history lesson. Please check back at some point in the future to learn more about history and stuff.

Until next time . . . I love you

Shamelessly Plugging Jackie

May 21, 2015 Linda Vernon The Daily Routine comedy, cup of Jackie, funny blog, humor, humour, Jackie, Jackie Benson Cup of Jackie, Jackie's blog, plugging funny blog

Welcome Dear Readers! Today I am shamelessly plugging my daughter, Jackie. She has a really cute blog over at http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com. I’d be very gratified if you’d go over and check it out!

Shamelessly Plugging Jackie http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com — Shamelessly Plugging Jackie
http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com

Until next time . . .I love you

Moses and the Lord Get into a Tiff

May 17, 2015May 18, 2015 Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine bible humor, Caleb son of Jephunneh, comedy, humor about the bible, humorous bible story about Moses, Moses and the Lord and the promised land, satire, The promised land disclosures

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the Lord made some Promised Land disclosures.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

Moses and The Lord Get Into a Tiff

One day, after Moses and his desert-wandering friends had been shuffling through the sands for 40 years, they suddenly found themselves at their final destination, the hill country of the Amorites and the greater Amorite area.

The Lord: Welp, here you go Moses. The land I promised to give to your ancestors and to their descendants. Now go! Occupy! Enjoy!

Moses: Excellent! I’ll get everybody packed up and– wait a minute . . . did you say occupy?

The Lord: Yeah why?

Moses: But I was under the impression you promised The Promised Land to us because it was already vacant.

The Lord: What do you mean vacant?

Moses: Well I just assumed there wouldn’t already be thousands of people living in the Promised Land.

The Lord: Oh I see what you’re saying. No. You’re going to have to kill everybody or conquer them and make them slaves and whatnot, unless you want to see if they’d be willing to have roommates.

Moses: But don’t you see, it doesn’t really belong to us then. I mean you promised us land that was already being used by other people.

The Lord: Moses don’t bust my chops. I promised it! It’s yours. Badda Bing Badda Boom! Now let me get back to my blocks. Oh and careful when you shut the door to my pillar of fire by night and pillar of cloud by day, huh? You’ll knock over the really really tall block tower I just made.

Moses: You’re playing with blocks?

The Lord: Uh nooooo . . . it’s called creating?

Later a few feet outside the Promised Land:

Moses: Okay, I just sent 12 of you guys to scope out The Promised Land, so what did you find?

Guy#01: It’s got fabulous fruit!

Guy #02: It’s fertile, but it’s filled with people who are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.

Guy#03: And that’s not even taking into account the giants.

Moses: What? Did you say . . . gulp . . . giants?

Guy#04: Yes giants as in people who are mammoth? jumbo? colossal? humongous? elephantine? walloping? ginorm-

Moses: Okay okay. I know what a giant is.

Guy#04: Well you just let me keep going on so I didn’t know.

Moses: Okay listen up everybody. I’m going to go report to the Lord that everyone’s scared to go into the Promised Land.

Guy#05: Uh . . . Couldn’t you just say we’re reluctant?

Guy#01: Be sure to tell Him about the fruit!

Later at the Lord’s Pillar:

Moses: Yoohoo! Knock knock knockin’ at heavens door . . . Are you there Lord? It’s me, Moses.

The Lord: Yeah Moses come on in. Hey lookee how high I got My block tower now!

Moses: Hallelujah! Praise You! Say listen, Lord, I just talked to the 12 guys I sent to scope out the promised land and—

The Lord: Yeah I know. I overheard the whole conversation and I’m angry.

Moses: How angry?

The Lord: Well not angry enough to take My Almighty Hand and send My block tower crashing to the floor, but angry enough to forbid this evil generation from ever setting foot in the Promised Land. Except for one person. What’s that guys name who liked the fruit?

Moses: Caleb son of Jephunneh?

The Lord: Yeah him. He can go but no one else.

Moses: Okay I’ll go tell them they can’t enter the Promised Land.

The Lord: Oh and Moses?

Moses: Yes?

The Lord: That includes you.

Moses: What? Me? But that’s not fair. After schlepping around the desert for 40-friggin’ years for no really good reason other than just cuz — this is the thanks I get? I don’t know whether to scream or to cry.

The Lord: Well, one thing’s for sure. If you slam that door on your way out, and my block tower falls over, I’ll give you something to cry about, young man.

Moses: I’m not young. I’m 600-years-old.

The Lord: Well, you don’t look it.

Moses: Thanks.

And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grownup Children

May 16, 2015May 16, 2015 Linda Vernon Linda's Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children, The Daily Routine cannon igniter, comedy, forty pound dill pickle, human cannon ball, humor, humorous, nonsense humor, short humorous fiction, surreal comedy, surreal humor, third world human cannon balls

Loretta Splatts, Human Cannon Ball

If there was one thing Loretta Splatts wasn’t it was . . . well, come to think of it, there actually wasn’t one thing Loretta Splatts wasn’t — at least in her mind anyway.

You see, Loretta didn’t own a car. She preferred to travel everywhere by being shot out of a cannon. Oh sure, there was the small inconvenience of not being able to go anywhere unless she had cab fare home, but Loretta thought it was a small price to pay for having a legitimate reason to wear a cape in public.

Loretta Splatts being shot out of a cannon linda vernon humor — “Gosh I sure am saving a lot of money on gas.”

Loretta often joked that the trajectory of her life was trending upwards even though nobody ever laughed when she said it. The sad fact was, nobody listened to a word Loretta said — they were too preoccupied waving away the intermittent puffs of smoke emanating from her slightly smoldering cape or distractedly brushing stray bits of gun powder from her platinum blonde hair to actually listen to what she had to say.

Loretta Splatts Smoldering cape — “So anyways, my life’s trending upwards LOL!” “Sorry to interrupt but I’m distracted by your slightly smoldering cape.”

Sometimes Loretta felt like a 40-pound dill pickle that people were compelled to ignore because, let’s face it, a 40-pound dill pickle is just way too much pickle to process at any one time.

40 pound dill pickle linda vernon humor — Too much pickle to process

Loretta’s only true confidant was her Cannon Ball Igniter, Percival Perplexington, a recent graduate of the Royal Academy of Sciences and Cannon Igniters founded in 1323 by King William Blunk VIII÷V who was > King William Blunk VII ÷ VI but not by much.

Kings linda vernon humor — King William Blunk VIII÷V who was > King William Blunk VII ÷ VI but not by much

Percival Perplexington was a jolly sort of fellow who never let the burden his igniting responsibilities eat away at his good-natured heart although he could sometimes feel those same responsibilities late at night nibbling on his spleen. But spleens are expendable! That was Percival’s motto having stolen it from the Royal Academy of Sciences and Cannon Igniters when he pried it off their front door his first day of class.

Percival graduated with honors and immediately took a position with Loretta Splatts as her official Cannon Igniter. His fellow graduates where aghast when he accepted such a lowly position with such an inferior human cannon ball the likes of Loretta, but there was just something about the way she raised her hand to signal the lighting of the fuse that Percival Perplexington was mesmerized by or perhaps memorized by. One of those.

Loretta Splatts and Percival Perplexington — Loretta Splatts and her devoted Igniter, Percival Perplexington

Try as he might, he simply could not look away from Loretta’s pinky. Whether she was hailing a cab or signaling that he should light the fuse, Percival Perplexington was totally and utterly and completely dedicated to Loretta Splatts. He even donated his shoes when the people came collecting for the Annual Shoes for Fuse donation drive to aid less fortunate human cannon balls in third world countries.

Percival Perplexington's feet — He gave his shoes for the betterment of third world human cannon balls

It was a sad day for Percival Perplexington when his employer Loretta Splatts finally lived up to her name. She was meeting a friend for lunch at the Riboflavin Rotisserie when she misjudged the location of the outdoor seating area by a skosh and came crashing down in the middle of a cow pasture that as luck would have it was being rented out to a mattress company. She bounced off one of the mattresses and got temporarily stuck in a tree when a huge gust of wind blew her into oncoming traffic.