Month: May 2015

What’s New in Big Whoopsies

Linda Vernon What's New in Big Woopsies , , , , , , , , ,

Today’s Big Whoopsie:

Pentagon accidentally ships Live Anthrax . . .

On May 27th, the Pentagon admitted that it had shipped live anthrax to facilities in multiple U.S. states, and to a U.S. airbase in South Korea—by accident. Anthrax is usually kept in highly secure biolabs with multiply redundant safeguards. But we’ve always known there is room for human error. —Nautilus Magazine

The possible scenario as to how this big Whoopsie happened:

Pentagon Live Anthrax Workers, Larry and Lenny
Larry and Lenny, Pentagon Live Anthrax Experts

 

Lenny:  Hey Larry whatcha eatin’?

Larry:  Dessert.

Lenny:  It looks weird, what is it?

Larry:   Creme brulee.  I make it myself.  I brought extra if you want one.

creme brulee
Larry’s killer creme brulee

Lenny:  Oh cool!  I’ll definitely try one.

Larry:  Okay.

Lenny:  Where are they?

Larry:  On that table over there.

 Lenny:  The one with the test tubes  on it?

Larry:  No the one behind it.

Lenny:  You mean the one with the beakers on it?

Larry:  No, the table in the back. I put them right next to all those Live Anthrax Petri dishes you made yesterday.

petri dish
Lenny’s Killer Live Antrax

A few minutes later:

Larry:  Well, what do you think of my creme brulee, Lenny?

Lenny:  Mm . . . this is killer creme brulee, Larry!

Larry:  Yeah, I guess you could say creme brulee is my specialty.

Lenny:  Why’d you make so many?

Larry:  I sending them to all my buddies in our nine different labs around the US and South Korea.

Lenny:  That’s really nice of you but aren’t you worried you’ll get the creme brulee and the live Anthrax mixed up?

Larry: Naaaaaa.

Lenny:  Well it’s going to cost you a fortune to ship them.

Larry:   Hahahaha!

Lenny: Why are you laughing?

Larry:  Are you kidding? Uncle Sam’s paying for it.

Lenny:  You want to know something, Larry, just between you and me?

Larry:  What?

Lenny: I haven’t paid for a single postage stamp since I started working at the Pentagon in 1992.

Lenny:  Me neither.

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you (especially you Pentagon!)

Once Again Trying to Cheer Up Edgar Allan Poe

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

edgar allan poe

 

 

Welcome Dear Readers!  As you may know from time to time this blog takes it upon itself to attempt to cheer up American Literature’s most Gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe. Join me, won’t you as we give it yet another try.

 

Hey Eddy!  What’s that you’ve got there?

the bells, bells, bells, bells,
                     Bells, bells, bells —

Oh well, that’s cheery!  Bells are kind of fun.  What is it you like about them?

  How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
                In the icy air of night !

Okay. Well, listen it’s a little cold out here in the icy air of night.  How about we go inside and you can tinkle your bells indoors.

  Hear the mellow wedding bells
                     Golden bells!

Okay are you talking about different bells than the ones you’re currently tinkling? Cause I can’t hear anything over all that tinkling, Edgar!

  To the swinging and the ringing

Of what?  The wedding bells?

  Of the bells,bells, bells,

Bells, yes,  I got that part.

      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,

Yeah yeah yeah yeah!  Got it!

                    Bells, bells, bells –

Edgar stop saying bells!

  To the swinging and the ringing
                Of the bells, bells, bells,
      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
                     Bells, bells, bells –

Okay, Edgar you’re about one second away from getting your face slapped.

  Hear the loud alarum bells —
                         Brazen bells !

Sorry, I don’t hear any alarum bells and I don’t mean to be critical but you spelled alarm wrong and it’s such an easy word, Ed, come on!

   Oh, the bells, bells, bells !
                  What a tale their terror tells
                         Of Despair !

Okay now this is exactly what I’m talking about, Ed.  Everything was going along fine.  You were tinkling some cheery little bells and like two seconds later all of a sudden it’s nothing but terror and Despair!  Can’t you just lighten up for like ten seconds?

  In the silence of the night,
       How we shiver with affright

Affright? Okay, now you’re just flat out making up negative words!  Why not turn that frown upside down and make up some cheery words! You’d feel a lot better about things. Do you know any cheery words?

  In a happy Runic rhyme,
                To the rolling of the bells –

Okay yeah!  There you go!  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

   To the rolling of the bells —
            Of the bells, bells, bells —

EDGAR!  Stop saying bells!  I’m begging you!

      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bells —

Okay Edgar, that’s it.  I’m getting out the duct tape.  It’s going over your mouth right now unless you promise me you will stop saying bells.

bells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bells

Okay that does it, Buster!

Edgar Allan Poe Smiling

Well, at least he’s finally smiling.

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

The History of Lint

Linda Vernon Linda's History Lessons, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Reader to Linda’s History Lessons.  Today’s lesson is:  The History of Lint.

Lint and the Ancient Egyptians

The very first mention of lint in recorded history was in Egypt.  It was recorded in hieroglyphics by HeySup Tutankhamun when he noticed some lint balling up in the creases of his pleated skirt.  After exhaustive study, scholars (who are now home lying down with cool washcloths on their foreheads) believe that the hieroglyphic for lint was represented by the following symbols:

img211

Lint and the Ancient Greeks

The second mention of lint is found among the ruins of Greece.  Scholars of ancient Greece have argued themselves sick over the topic of ancient Grecian Lint.  (One scholar was so winded from arguing he had to be hospitalized.) However, many believe the great philosopher, Socrates, was the most lint savvy.

Socrates weighs in on lint

Still, other scholars believe the go-to lint expert when it came to Ancient Greek Lint was the great mathematician Pythagoras:

Pathagoras on Grecian Lint

Lint and the Roman Empire

The Roman Empire was all mixed up about lint.  Scholars who study the Roman Empire ad nasueam in the vomitorium have concluded that while the Romans were genius builders and conquerors, they had it all wrong when it came to lint and especially the removal thereof:

Lint and the Roman Empire

Lint and The Middle Ages

Scholars can also agree on this one. Nobody  in the middle ages had any idea about lint whatsoever.

Lint in the middle ages

Lint and The Age of Exploration

Scholars insist that on his maiden voyage Christopher Columbus brought back  480 cubic tons of lint to Queen Isabella. But before you get too attached to this fact, you should remember that scholars determined this while splitting a large pepperoni pizza and a couple cases of Alhambra Mezquita beer courtesy of San Miguel Lint Manufacturing Corporation.

Christopher Columbus and his Lint Cargo

Lint and the Founding Fathers

Scholars believe that the failure to mention lint in the Declaration of Independence was instrumental in winning the revolutionary war.  But unfortunately, we will have to wait until they sober up to find out why.

 

FF lint

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Today’s history lesson.  Please check back at some point in the future to learn more about history and stuff.

Until next time . . . I love you

Shamelessly Plugging Jackie

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today I am shamelessly plugging my daughter, Jackie. She has a really cute blog over at http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com.  I’d be very gratified if you’d go over and check it out!

Shamelessly Plugging Jackie http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com
Shamelessly Plugging Jackie
http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com

Until next time . . .I love you

 

Moses and the Lord Get into a Tiff

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the Lord made some Promised Land disclosures.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Moses and The Lord Get Into a Tiff

One day, after Moses and his desert-wandering friends had been shuffling through the sands for 40 years, they suddenly found themselves at their final destination, the hill country of the Amorites and the greater Amorite area.

The Lord:  Welp, here you go Moses.  The land I promised to give to your ancestors and to their descendants.  Now go! Occupy! Enjoy!

Moses:  Excellent!  I’ll get everybody packed up and– wait a minute . . . did you say occupy?

The Lord:  Yeah why?

Moses:  But I was under the impression you promised The Promised Land to us because it was already vacant.

The Lord:  What do you mean vacant?

Moses:  Well I just assumed there wouldn’t already be thousands of people living in the Promised Land.

The Lord:  Oh I see what you’re saying.  No.  You’re going to have to kill everybody or conquer them and make them slaves and whatnot, unless you want to see if they’d be willing to have roommates.

Moses:  But don’t you see, it doesn’t really belong to us then.  I mean you promised us land that was already being used by other people.

The Lord:  Moses don’t bust my chops. I promised it!  It’s yours. Badda Bing Badda Boom! Now let me get back to my blocks.  Oh and  careful when you shut the door to my pillar of fire by night and pillar of cloud by day, huh?  You’ll knock over the really really tall block tower I just made.

Moses:  You’re playing with blocks?

The Lord:  Uh nooooo . . . it’s called creating?

Later a few feet outside the Promised Land:

Moses:  Okay, I just sent 12 of you guys to scope out The Promised Land, so what did you find?

Guy#01:  It’s got fabulous fruit!

Guy #02:  It’s fertile, but it’s filled with people who are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.

Guy#03:  And that’s not even taking into account the giants.

 Moses:  What?  Did you say . . . gulp . . . giants?

Guy#04:  Yes giants as in people who are mammoth? jumbo? colossal? humongous? elephantine? walloping? ginorm-

Moses:  Okay okay.  I know what a giant is.

Guy#04:  Well you just let me keep going on so I didn’t know.

Moses:  Okay listen up everybody. I’m going to go report to the Lord that everyone’s scared to go into the Promised Land.

Guy#05:  Uh . . . Couldn’t you just say we’re reluctant?

Guy#01:  Be sure to tell Him about the fruit!

Later at the Lord’s Pillar:

Moses:  Yoohoo! Knock knock knockin’ at heavens door . . . Are you there Lord?  It’s me, Moses.

The Lord: Yeah Moses come on in.  Hey lookee how high I got My block tower now!

Moses:  Hallelujah!  Praise You! Say listen, Lord, I just talked to the 12 guys I sent to scope out the promised land and—

The Lord:  Yeah I know. I overheard the whole conversation and I’m angry.

Moses:  How angry?

The Lord:  Well not angry enough to take My Almighty Hand and send My block tower crashing to the floor, but angry enough to forbid this evil generation from ever setting foot in the Promised Land. Except for one person.  What’s that guys name who liked the fruit?

Moses:  Caleb son of Jephunneh?

The Lord:  Yeah him.  He can go but no one else.

Moses:  Okay I’ll go tell them they can’t enter the Promised Land.

The Lord:  Oh and Moses?

Moses:  Yes?

The Lord: That includes you.

Moses:  What?  Me?  But that’s not fair.  After schlepping around the desert for 40-friggin’ years for no really good reason other than just cuz — this is the thanks I get?  I don’t know whether to scream or to cry.

The Lord:  Well, one thing’s for sure.  If you slam that door on your way out, and my block tower falls over, I’ll give you something to cry about, young man.

Moses:  I’m not young.  I’m 600-years-old.

The Lord:  Well, you don’t look it.

Moses:  Thanks.

And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Caleb son of Jephunneh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grownup Children

Linda Vernon Linda's Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , ,

Loretta Splatts, Human Cannon Ball

If there was one thing Loretta Splatts wasn’t it was . . . well, come to think of it, there actually wasn’t one thing Loretta Splatts wasn’t — at least in her mind anyway.

You see, Loretta didn’t own a car. She preferred to travel everywhere by being shot out of a cannon. Oh sure, there was the small inconvenience of not being able to go anywhere unless she had cab fare home, but Loretta thought it was a small price to pay for having a legitimate reason to wear a cape in public.

Loretta Splatts being shot out of a cannon linda vernon humor
“Gosh I sure am saving a lot of money on gas.”

Loretta often joked that the trajectory of her life was trending upwards even though nobody ever laughed when she said it.  The sad fact was, nobody listened to a word Loretta said — they were too preoccupied waving away the intermittent puffs of smoke emanating from her slightly smoldering cape or distractedly brushing stray bits of gun powder from her platinum blonde hair to actually listen to what she had to say.

Loretta Splatts Smoldering cape
“So anyways, my life’s trending upwards LOL!”                                                         “Sorry to interrupt but  I’m distracted by your slightly smoldering cape.”

Sometimes Loretta felt like a 40-pound dill pickle that people were compelled to ignore because, let’s face it, a 40-pound dill pickle is just way too much pickle to process at any one time.

40 pound dill pickle linda vernon humor
Too much pickle to process

Loretta’s only true confidant was her Cannon Ball Igniter, Percival Perplexington, a recent graduate of the Royal Academy of Sciences and Cannon Igniters founded in 1323 by King William Blunk VIII÷V who was > King William Blunk VII ÷ VI but not by much.

Kings linda vernon humor
King William Blunk VIII÷V who was > King William Blunk VII ÷ VI but not by much

Percival Perplexington was a jolly sort of fellow who never let the burden his igniting responsibilities eat away at his good-natured heart although he could sometimes feel those same responsibilities late at night nibbling on his spleen. But spleens are expendable!  That was Percival’s motto having stolen it from the Royal Academy of Sciences and Cannon Igniters when he pried it off their front door his first day of class.

Royal Academy of Science and Cannon Ball Igniters

Percival graduated with honors and immediately took a position with Loretta Splatts as her official Cannon Igniter.  His fellow graduates where aghast when he accepted such a lowly position with such an inferior human cannon ball the likes of Loretta, but there was just something about the way she raised her hand to signal the lighting of the fuse that Percival Perplexington was mesmerized by or perhaps memorized by.  One of those.

Loretta Splatts and Percival Perplexington
Loretta Splatts and her devoted Igniter, Percival Perplexington

Try as he might, he simply could not look away from Loretta’s pinky.  Whether she was hailing a cab or signaling that he should light the fuse, Percival Perplexington was totally and utterly and completely dedicated to Loretta Splatts.  He even donated his shoes when the people came collecting for the Annual Shoes for Fuse donation drive to aid less fortunate human cannon balls in third world countries.

Percival Perplexington's feet
He gave his shoes for the betterment of third world human cannon balls

It was a sad day for Percival Perplexington when his employer Loretta Splatts finally lived up to her name.  She was meeting a friend for lunch at the Riboflavin Rotisserie when she misjudged the location of the outdoor seating area by a skosh and came crashing down in the middle of a cow pasture that as luck would have it was being rented out to a mattress company.  She bounced off one of the mattresses and got temporarily stuck in a tree when a huge gust of wind blew her into oncoming traffic.

Loretta Splatts splat
And splat went Loretta Splatts

Percival Perplexington was positively beside himself with grief. It took him hours and hours  to eat lunch that day at the Riboflavin Rotisserie.

You see, he ordered a forty-pound dill pickle in honor of Loretta Splatts.

"Yes sir! One forty pound pickle comin' up!"
“Yes sir! One forty-pound pickle comin’ up!

Ten Ways to Tell If You Need a New Cat

Linda Vernon Lists, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

You just noticed your current cat’s expiration date expired a year ago.

Why are you looking at me like that cat
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 Your current cat’s breath smells like Funyuns.

cat breath
“Ew! Everybody stand back!”

Frankly, your current cat’s a little too much of a bible thumper for your liking.

cat reading bible
“If you’re going out you better be going to church.”

 Your current cat loads dirty dishes in with the clean dishes and then runs them all through again.

cat loading dishwasher
“Wait a minute . . . I think these are clean . . . oh what the hell.”

Your current cat leaves big strips of tall grass whenever it mows the lawn.

cat mowing lawn
“If this were my yard, I’d replace it with sand lickity split.”

 Your current cat’s a gloater

cat gloater
“Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

 Your current cat thinks Mt. Rushmore is a natural formation.

cat mt. rushmore
“I don’t care what anybody says. This here’s caused by water erosion.”

 No matter how many times you try to explain it, your current cat keeps sewing the elastic waistband into the bottom of the pant leg.

cat sewing
“I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right . . .”

You suspect your current cat is the one who maxed out your credit cards on http://www.bevmo.com

cat with beer
“I was thoisty.”

And finally, the best way to tell if you need a new cat:

You installed a nanny cam and, sure enough, it’s your current cat that keeps stealing the last maple bar.

cat with maple bar
Whaaat? 

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry , , , , , , , , , ,

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Bent over to polish her Buster Brown shoe

Buster Brown Shoes

But the polish therein was of toxic aroma

And Edwina Purina fell into a coma

comatose edwina

No one knew what to do for they couldn’t awake her.

So the Doctor was summoned. (He suggested they shake her)

comatose edwina

But yet she lay docile and still as could be

Then someone suggested,   “Push her out of a tree!”

Linda Vernon humor art

So they hoisted her up in a  Giant Sequoia

And everyone helped — even Mike and  Latoya!

Michael and Latoya Jackson

All that was left was to give her a shove

And who better for that than the lieutenant gov?

Lieutenant Governor

Who ran on a platform of brotherly love

And never did falter when push came to shove

41st Lieutenant Governor of Texas shoving

He shook that sequoia, he had him some muscle

(Attributed mainly to sprouts found in Brussel)

 

sprouts of brussel
“Where you from?” “Brussel”                 “Me too!”

 

Well, the tree started shaking and then the wind blew

And Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do . . .

comatose edwina

Flew through the air like a bomber (long range)

And landed on top of the Foreign Exchange

Edwina atop the foreign exchange buidling

 

She  opened her eyes and everyone cheered

But to tell you the truth? It was all very weird!

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

 

 

Slightly Creepy Seventies Bedrooms

Linda Vernon Slighty Creepy Seventies, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to the Slightly Creepy Seventies. The decade in which babies who were dropped on their heads thirty years prior grew up to become Slightly Creepy Seventies Bedroom Designers.

remodeling and decorating bedrooms a sunset book
Today we will be examining the bizarre ideas of Slightly Creepy Seventies bedroom designers.

 

File me under Zzzz.

Guest bedroom Slightly Creepy Seventies Style
What this slightly creepy seventies guest bedroom lacks in charm, it makes up for invoices incurred between 1968 and 1973

Now here’s a typical slightly creepy seventies bizarre idea. Why not use the top of these filing cabinets as a guest bedroom?  An idea that was so far ahead of it’s time that even millions of years from now there still won’t be any filing cabinet guest bedrooms.

Now let’s look at that desk.   Go ahead.  Take your time. (We’ve got several million years.)  The caption on this picture explains that a desk extension (the one that you see there in the form of the world’s shortest ladder) has been designed in such a way as to allow an overnight guest to climb to the top of the ladder, and, while still facing the wall, launch him or herself into the air, whale-like,  with a mighty backward thrust.

If the guest gets lucky, he or she will land squarely on the comfy two-inch mattress that has been lovingly provided by their slightly creepy seventies host.

I know.  I can hear your next question from a million years away: “But what if guests miss the mattress completely?”  Ha ha! No harm done. The good news is the open drawer on the filing cabinet will more than likely break his or her fall. But if that happens the bad news is kidney transplants haven’t been invented yet.

 

Good Lord!  It’s a bed!  Look away!!

hideous 70's beds

Back in the slightly creepy seventies nothing was more hideous, more odious, more hippopotamus than looking at a cumbersome big ol’ bed sticking out in the harsh light of day smack dab in the middle of the bedroom floor for all the world to see.

Not counting the hair, clothing and pop culture of the Slightly Creepy Seventies, nothing could compare to the heartache of having to stare at a bed just sitting there stupidly and awkwardly all the livelong day.  It was a bedroom design faux pas that would have made Mary Tyler Moore herself weep bitterly.

Luckily, bizarre Slightly Creepy Seventies bedroom designers solved this unsightly “bed” problem by making a bed that folded up into the wall at a moment’s notice!

 “Hurry Mary Tyler Moore! Push! PUSH!  We know you’re fashionably underweight by 20 to 30 pounds, but for heaven sakes, put some elbow grease into it, girl!”

That’s better Mary. Now quickly, pull out granny’s rocker and make like you’re just reading a magazine. That’s right!  Just reading and rocking that’s all.  Bed? What bed?  Don’t know nothin’ ’bout no bed!

 

Don’t ask don’t tell!

slightly creepy seventies librarian
Say what?  A secret TV?  Oh those Slightly Creepy Seventies Designers that were dropped on their heads when they were babies think of everything and then some!

What in the world is slightly creepy seventies Caroline up to?  Did she rob the petty cash from the library where she works again and is hiding it in the safe she has cleverly hidden behind that picture?

Well don’t let those horn-rimmed glasses of hers fool you.  Why?  Because hidden behind that picture is no safe!  It just so happens it’s a friggin’ state-of-the-art  12-inch Motorola color TV! Yes you heard me right with that little voice in your head that does all your reading!

And it seems our dear Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Caroline is a conservative librarian by day and a raging, out-of-control Mary Tyler Moore watching fool by night!  Her secret longing?  Why to turn the world on with her smile, of course.  But she tells everyone she never watches TV . . . so keep it to yourself, huh?

The Circle of Life

Slightly Creepy Seventies mother and child
Slightly Creepy Seventies Bedroom Designer of the Future

Clearly this Slightly Creepy Seventies mom is enjoying her Slightly Creepy Seventies baby like nobody’s business.  The bad news is she accidentally dropped this little guy on his head seconds after this picture was taken.  The good news is he will grow up to carry on the tradition of Slight Creepy Seventies bedroom design well into the 21st Century and maybe even beyond, but probably not.

And there you have it Dear Readers.  Now you can go about the rest of your day being thankful for the fact that  you weren’t dropped on your head when you were a baby or, if you were, at least being thankful we’re no longer living in the Slightly Creepy Seventies.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Prophet Habakkuk

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how the prophet Habakkuk asked the Lord some tough questions.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory The Prophet Habakkuk’s Chat with the Lord

One day a prophet named Habakkuk was passing though Babylon when he couldn’t help noticing how cruel and violent the Babylonians were.  And because Habakkuk was a prophet, it mean he had God’s unlisted phone number so he decided to call up the Lord and vent.

Habakkuk:  Hello Lord, you got a minute?

The Lord:  I’m in the middle of  eating lunch. Who is this?

Habakkuk:  It’s me, Habakkuk.

The Lord:  How’d you get this number?

Habakkuk:  I’m a prophet, you give it out to all the prophets.

The Lord: Okay. What do you want?

Habakkuk:  Well, basically I was just wondering how long I must call for help before you listen, before you save us from violence.  Destruction and violence are all around me and evil men get the better of the righteous and so justice is perverted.

The Lord:  Where are you?  Sodom and Gomorrah?

Habakkuk:  No I’m calling from Babylon actually.

The Lord:  Then you must be referring to the fierce, restless Babylonians who are marching across the world spreading fear and terror?

Habakkuk:  Yeah I think so . . .

The Lord:  Just to be clear are you referring to the Babylonians whose horses are faster than leopards?

Habakkuk:  Faster than leopards?  Don’t you mean faster than cheetahs?

The Lord:  What’d I say?

Habakkuk:  You said leopards.

The Lord:  Yeah that’s what I meant.  Their horses are fast but they’re not that fast. But one thing’s certain.  Their horses are like hungry wolves!

Habakkuk:  I thought horses were vegetarians.

The Lord:  What’d I say?

Habakkuk:  You said they were like hungry wolves.

The Lord:   What I meant was their horses paw at the ground while they come down like eagles attacking their prey.

Habakkuk:  Uh . . .

The Lord:  What?

Habakkuk:  Horses can’t fly.

The Lord:  My bad.  I must have been thinking of unicorns.

Habakkuk:  But unicorns can’t fly either.  They’re the horses with the horn right in the middle of their foreheads?

The Lord:  Oh yeah huh.  Well, what’s the name of that horse I created with wings?

Habakkuk:   Pegasus?

The Lord:  Yeah yeah that’s it.

Habakkuk:  So are you telling me that you’ve actually created a unicorn and Pegasus then?

The Lord:  No but I’m gunna.

Habakkuk:  So anyways, getting back to the Babylonians how can you let these treacherous evil men destroy people who are more righteous than them?

The Lord:  Meh.

Habakkuk:  How can you treat people like fish or like a swarm of insects that have no ruler to direct them?

The Lord:  How can I treat people like fish or swarms of insects?  I don’t get the comparison.

Habakkuk:  What I mean is the Babylonians catch people with their hooks.  They drag them off in nets and even worship the nets and offer sacrifices to them.

The Lord:  I don’t get it.  Why do they need nets if they have hooks?  And what’s that got to do with a swarm of insects?

Habakkuk:  Are they going to keep their swords forever and keep on destroying nations without mercy?

The Lord:  You know what, Habakkuk.  We’re going to have to finish this discussion later. My tacos are getting cold.

Habakkuk:  Okay I’ll call you later.

The  Lord:  Uh well actually I’m having my number changed so I’ll have call you back.

Habakkuk: When? Today?

The Lord:  I don’t know.  Later.

Habakkuk:  Later today . . . . tomorrow maybe?  . . . .hello?

Habakkuk
Hello? Hello? Gosh I can’t hear a thing through this stupid halo!