Month: March 2015

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , ,

Miss Penelope’s Distraction

When Miss Penelope walked into her third-grade class, a hush, like rain, came over her students.  It might have been because Miss Penelope was tall and beautiful with naturally-curly, flaming-red hair.  Or it might have been because Miss Penelope was carrying her teacup poodle, Nippers, in her tea-cup. Then again, it might have been because Miss Penelope had three legs.

Benjamin Bananason’s hand shot up before Miss Penelope was even done writing MISS PENELOPE on the blackboard.

“Yes Benjamin.”  Miss Penelope said.

“Is there going to be homework this year?  What time’s lunch? And may I please use the bathroom?”

Miss Penelope crossed two of her legs and leaned on the other while she answered Benjamin’s last question affirmatively and pondered the other two questions.

While she was thinking, Rebecca Ribeye raised her hand.

“Yes Rebecca?”

“My aunt, Lavern, has naturally-curly, flaming-red hair just like yours, Miss Penelope.  She had to go to prison though.  What’s your doggie’s name?”

“Nippers” Miss Penelope answered, and then raised the tea-cup containing Nippers to her lips as though she would take a sip — but gave Nippers a kiss instead.

The children laughed until it was time for recess.

That’s when Principal Connie Vickers marched in.

“Well?  How did they respond?” Connie Vickers demanded.  “I would imagine the children were not able to talk about anything else all morning but your—“

“My teacup poodle, Nippers?”

“No, not Nippers!  Your . . . your . . . .” Connie squirmed and tried not to look at any of Miss Penelope’s legs.

“Oh you mean my distraction.” Miss Penelope said helpfully.  “My naturally-curly, flaming-red hair. “

“No!  Not that distraction!  I’m talking about your extra leg Miss Penelope.  I’m talking about the fact that you have THREE legs, Miss Penelope!”

In the silence that followed, Principal Connie Vickers reached her finger over to pet Nippers whose razor- sharp, tiny teeth went into the fleshy part of Connie Vickers finger like a knife through warm butter.

horrrible art Linda Vernon Humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Slightly Creepy Seventies: Sewing for Teens

Linda Vernon Slighty Creepy Seventies, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to the world of the Slightly Creepy Seventies where we  trip down memory lane by revisiting the pages of old magazines from the inexplicable decade of the 70’s.  

Today we will be flipping through the pages of “let yourself sew – a complete sewing book for teens” 

Let yourself Sew with Simplicity
Published during the great capitalized letter shortage of 1975.

 

Let’s open to the first page. Oh look!  It’s some actual Slightly Creepy Seventies Teens!

Seventies teens

As you can see, all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies look like they are between the ages of 35 and 40.  There are three theories for this:  1) The ugliness of the seventies was more aging to the skin than the rays of  the Slightly Creepy Seventies Sun  2) wearing stupid outfits you sewed yourself altered the chemical structure of  your DNA (not in a good way) or 3) all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies actually were between the ages of 35 and 40.

*Note the little boy in the striped, home-sewn whatevers is keeping a low profile.  It seems one of the teenagers between 35 and 40 has started a family unbeknownst to mom.  Sh . . .I won’t tell if you won’t.

Of course the Master Plan of sewing for your teenage self in the Slightly Creepy was to: “Create Your Never-Can-Be-Duplicated Specialness!” 

70's bathrobe coat img150

Well okay then!  And what better way to do that than to sew yourself a bathrobe and wear it out in public.  Oh and don’t forget that really good friend with the cheerfully sympathetic expression to walk along beside you with her hand on your back like she’s guiding you as you schlep from place to place.

That way people who don’t understand your never-can-be-duplicated specialness, will just have to assume you’ve recently gone blind and haven’t figured out a workable system, as yet, for getting dressed in the dark. Either way it’s a slightly creepy seventies win/win!

The Slightly Creepy Seventies Heartbreak of Crochet Addiction

crochet addict

In a decade where everybody started their day out by brushing their teeth with cocaine,  gargling with LSD and using a Mescaline moisturizer, what most people don’t realize is that it was actually crochet addiction that was responsible for ruining more 1970’s wardrobes than cocaine, LSD and Mescaline combined!

For Jessica, it all began with a simple crocheted chain stitch a couple of times a week.  To unwind from a hard day of wandering around town in her corduroy bathrobe.  No harm done really. Until she started lying to granny about all the “missing” yarn.  Before you know it, she was parading up and down the streets in  purple leotards and blue anklets wearing her crochet addiction on her sleeve like a an ugly crocheted vest and hot pants — begging strangers for money and lying that she was only going to use it to buy some Mescaline Moisturizer when in reality she was going to use it to buy a basket full of kittens and yarn —then shoo away the kittens. It didn’t end well for Jessica. Today she lives in a van down by the river she crocheted herself. (Both the van and the river.)

 It’s An Applique, Okay?

Seventies teen

Sure, this slightly creepy seventies teen looks 45 but that’s only by today’s standards.  Back in the Slightly Creepy Seventies she didn’t look a day over 13!  Why? Because she’s wearing a shirt with an arrow appliqued on it that’s why!  An arrow that proclaimed to the world, “Yes!  I have an arrow on my shirt, so?  You got a problem with that?  Get over it Mom!  Get over it Dad! Get over it establishment!” Right after this she went down and signed up for a fake senior discount card!  In your face boss man.   You go teenage girl who looks 45!

Uh Oh . . . Crochet Addiction Rears it’s Ugly Head Again!

Slightly Creepy Seventies Teens

Uh Oh . . . It looks like this Slightly Creepy Seventies slumber party where everyone sewed themselves a nightgown has taken a turn for the worse. Obviously Jessica and Jessica are suffering mightily from crochet addiction withdrawals and are engaged in a fight to the death for the last ball of granny’s yarn.

It’s an ugly reality that was often swept under even uglier crocheted rugs all over Slightly Creepy Seventies America.  But then would we expect any less from the Slightly Creepy Sevenites?

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this edition of the Slightly Creepy Seventies.   But remember, even though it is now 2015 — if someone invites you to try crocheting?  Better stay on the safe side and just say no!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Israelites Schmizraelites

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how the father/son team of Saul and Jonathan fought the Philistines or possibly the Israelites . . . 

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Israelites Schmizraelites

One day Saul and his son, Jonathan, had just taken a lunch break from a hard morning of busily defeating the Philistines, when Jonathan posed a question to his father.

“Father with whom are we fighting? Jonathan asked chewing thoughtfully on a fig while hitting an enemy soldier over the head with a rock.

“The Israelites I believe, my son.” Jonathan’s father said sipping on his delicious fig wine.

“Why are we fighting them?” asked Jonathan.

“The lord has commanded us to do so.”

“But Dad. . . aren’t we the Israelites?”

“No, my son.  We are the Hebrews!”

“But isn’t that the same thing?”

“Oh maybe.” Saul said shruggingly. “All men look alike to me. You gonna eat the rest of that pomegranate?”

“No you go ahead.  Say listen Dad, I’m running a little low on men.”

“You mean to fight the Jews with?” Saul asked as he lazily impaled five warriors who happened to be walking by.

“No Dad, we’re the Jews. I think the Israelites and the Hebrews and the Jews are just different names for us.  In fact, I think you just impaled five of our own guys.”

“Whoopsie!  That calls for more wine!” Saul laughed heartily.

No seriously, Dad.  You know those thousand men you gave me yesterday to fight our enemies?”

“You mean our enemies, the Hebrews?”

“Dad we’re the Hebrews, remember?”

“You don’t say?”

“Anyway, I went through all thousand of them.  Now I’m fresh out of men to fight  the Philistines.”

“The Whoistines?”

“Come on Dad!  I think you’ve had enough wine.”

“Listen son, I think I know my own wine limit.  I’ve been drinking wine since you were just a gleam in the Lord’s eye.”

“I don’t know what that even means, Dad.”

“What it means is . . . wait a minute!  Lookee over there where I’m pointing!

“You mean to that fig tree?”

“I’m not pointing to that fig tree. I’m pointing to what’s beside that fig tree!”

“Oh.  Well what is it do you think?”

Well, it  looks like precisely  30,000  war chariots, six-thousand horseman and as many soldiers as there are grains on the sea shore.”

“Wow that’s mind boggling!”

“Now take it easy,son. I’m pretty sure we can take them.”

“No  I mean I it’s mind boggling how fast you can count when you’re drunk!”

“Well I must say. I have always prided myself on my ability to count fast when I’ve tied one on. It’s a gift, really. What can I say?  Now come on Son, lunch is over. Time to get back to stabbing, slinging and lobbing off the heads of our enemies, the Israelites.

“You mean Philistines.”

“Whatever.  I love you, Son.”

“I love you too Dad!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  What Gregory learned in Sunday School. Please check back next week at this same time for another Bible Story as interpreted by Gregory.

Israelites and the Philistines on the battlefield