Ten Bad Answers for “Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?

“Honey, do these pants make me look fat?” I asked my poor, minding-his-own business, unsuspecting husband.

“Say . . . gulp . . . what?”

“Well, do they or don’t they? Just answer the question.  Do these pants make me look fat?”

“Just answer yes or no . . . and nevermind about the beard.”

Now if there is one thing my husband has learned after 37 years of marriage, it’s that a question such as this can zap the bliss right out of the martial in nothing flat.  This is because when a wife asks her husband, “Do these pants make me look fat?” what she is really saying is “I feel fat! Convince me I’m wrong, dead wrong.”

Frankly, I think the divorce rate would decrease dramatically if husbands would take a few minutes to figure out a proper answer to this simple question.  The following are the lousy answers my husband has managed to come up with over the years, coupled with what I think he was REALLY thinking when he gave them:

Answer # 1:

“What? Do you look fat?  Are you asking me?”  (I’ve got to stall for time so I can think, think!)

 Answer #2:

“Fat? Honey! You don’t look fat in those pants. (You don’t look as fat in those pants as you do in all your other pants.)

Answer #3:

“I don’t want to answer that because no matter what I say, it will be the wrong thing.  (I don’t want you to know I think you’re fat.)

Answer #4:

“What?  Honey! There’s no way you look fat!” (I wonder if that Seahawks game will be televised.)

Answer #5:

“Honey, of course you don’t look fat in those pants; you look good in those pants.”(Considering . . .)

Answer #6:

“You’re perfect, I love you just the way you are.” (It doesn’t matter to me that you’re fat, really!)

Answer #7:

“If you’re worried about looking fat, why don’t you go on a diet – although I don’t think you need to.” (You’re fat, but so what?)

Answer #8:

“You’ve never been fat in your life!” (I wonder what I did with that red pen.)

Answer #9:

“You sure look a lot better than you did last year.” (You’re not as fat as you were last year, whoa!)

Answer #10:

“No Comment.” (Don’t make me hurt your feelings.)

Of course, come to think of it, I don’t think there is any way a husband can answer this question and still come out okay.  Maybe his best course of action upon hearing his wife utter any sentence containing the word “fat” would be to freeze, then slowly, very slowly back out of the room and just keep running.

Until next time. . . I love you

5 thoughts on “Ten Bad Answers for “Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat?

  1. At least he didn’t say, “You’re pants don’t make you look fat, your fat makes you look fat”

    I love the pictures you included in this particular topic. I think the first one really captures the panic in a husbands eyes when asked a question pertaining to his wife looking or feeling fat.

  2. Marko, thank you for sifting through billions of words on the internet and finding the flaw in this comment. All I can say is you are the man, in fact I would even go so far as to say “You’re pants!” and always will be in my book! 😀

  3. So that’s it! Clothes. Clothes makes us fat. And all this time dietitians have been trying to convince us it’s food. What a bunch of liars. Here I am, skinny as a bean pole, then WHAM, I put on a pair of trousers and balloon up to the size of the Son of Flubber.

    • Haha! I know! We have to start some sort of weight loss via clothing program, Russell. Maybe we could even get Richard Simmons out of retirement to help us. He was always a snappy dresser.

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