Month: April 2012

How to Drink a Castor Oil Sandwich in 1949

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , , , , ,

I found this little 1949 booklet at the thrift store the other day.

Apparently, back in 1949, before Facebook was invented, people had to make friends with whomever (or whatever) they could scrape up.

Alright fine, but how hard up does a person have to be to count Pure Bicarbonate of Soda as one of their friends?

I’m talking to you people of 1949! What were you thinking making Bicarbonate of Soda your friend?  Hello?  . . . ok, fine don’t answer me.

I’ll make something up and say it’s true. That’s what you get for ignoring me!

Let’s start by pretending we live in 1949.  What else were you doing today anyway. (I mean besides pretending to be working).

As you know, the first thing to do when pretending anything is to rush over to Google and start asking a lot of unnecessary questions:

What was the cost of a first class stamp in 1949?   

Google says: $.03


Who was the President of the United States in 1949?

Google says: “Harry S. Truman”


Why did Newfoundland join the Canada Confederation?   

Google says: “You’re joking right?”

How do you write 1949 in Roman Numerals?  

Google says: “Get outta here kid, ya bother me.”

Well apparently Google got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. So let’s try to conjure up 1949 by using this picture from 1951 that I found in my baby book and subtracting 2 years from it in our minds.

Checking to see if limbs are operable
Me and Mom (I'm on the right)

As you can see from this picture of me and Mom, 1949 was rather bleak, stark and dark. On the upside, they did have doilies (one) and lamps (one) and a window (one).

And even though you don’t see any “friends” in this picture, I’ll bet you anything if you were to go into the kitchen, you would have found Mom’s besty, Pure Bicarbonate of Soda, relaxing on the kitchen shelf, at the ready for Mom should she suddenly need Dear ol’ Carby.

OK, now that our minds are firmly ensconced in 1949, let’s just pretend something came up, and we are going to need our new BFF, Dear ol’ Carby, to come to the rescue.

Let’s say we were in need of . . . oh I don’t know maybe a . . . CASTER OIL SANDWICH?

Apparently back in 1949, there was some weirdness going on. First, that a Caster Oil Sandwich was actually on any menu at all, and second, that  it was a sandwich  you were suppose to :“Drink while effervescing.” 

I don’t know about you, but I rarely effervesce when I drink sandwiches . . . but that’s just me.

What’s say we toddle back  over to Google, shall we?  And let’s ask Google why anybody would want to drink a Caster oil Sandwich:

Under what circumstances would someone drink a Caster oil Sandwich?

Google says: “Get outta here kid, you bother me!”

Fine be that way!

If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen with Dear ol’ Carby preparing a Caster oil Sandwich for our new besty, Goog.

Eww!
Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Weekend Challenge Try 2: Poindexter’s Birthday

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Weekend Trifecta Writing Challenge is to take a scene that involves (or affects) at least three people and write this scene from the point of view of three of the characters, using 33 words for each character.  —  HA! Just realized after writing my story I didn’t follow these directions . . . oops! 

Poindexter’s Birthday

“I hate my name,”  little Poindexter Hepatitis remarked to his mother, Roberta.

“Which one? Poindexter or Hepatitis?” Roberta asked absently — for her mind was more agreeably engaged with the placement of the candles on Poindexter’s birthday cake.

Poindexter was about to answer when he was interrupted by his father, Vladimir Hepatitis. 

“Nonsense!” Vladimir Hepatitis harrumphed. “Vladimir is a good enough name for me and it’s a good enough name for my son.”

“But father, you didn’t name me Vladimir, you named me Poindexter”

“No kidding? What was I thinking?”

The Hepatitis’s couldn’t stop laughing as they ate their cake.

Vladimir Poindexter Hepatitus

The Weekend Trifecta Writing Challenge: The Adventures of the Three Mosquito Brothers

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Weekend Trifecta Writing Challenge  is to take a scene that involves (or affects) at least three people and write this scene from the point of view of three of the characters, using 33 words for each character. 

NOTE to Trifecta Challenge:  I am assuming it’s OK to use mosquitos instead of people. 

The Adventures of the Three Mosquito Brothers

“If only I sucked as much as you do, Ted!” Mosquito Tod Plurp remarked to his brother Ted “the slurp” Plurp – which immediately made their other brother, Edwardio, jealous.

“But Edwardio sucks big time too, Tod.” Ted said and shot Tod a look that said you’re hurting his feelings Bro!

Edwardio, who was sulkily sucking, just sighed.

Ted and Tod were in the process of apologizing profusely to their brother Edwardio  (who continued his sucking sulking) when a hand came down and flattened both Ted and Tod Plurp which made Edwardio stop sucking long enough to smile before skedaddling!

The End.

The idea for this post was suggested to me by Asifa at Crazy Life . . . Always Expect d UnEXpec TEd!!!!  who wants to spread awareness through posts for  Nothing But Nets a global, grassroots campaign of the united Nations Foundation to raise awareness and funding to fight malaria — the cause of large scale deaths in developing countries. So thank you Asifa for bringing this to our attention.

The Mysteries of Existence Explained

Linda Vernon Existence and Stuff, What the Scientiests are Thinking About , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to Lazy Friday Blog Day where I go to all the trouble of finding something I’ve already written, shaking the cobwebs off it, airing it out a bit and then giving it a quick once over with the iron.  Anyway here it is:

The Mysteries of Existence Explained

Good News!  I finally found a hobby!   It’s thinking up theories that would explain the mystery of existence. It’s fun.  Here’s what I’ve got so far:

The Advanced Form of Donkey Kong Theory of Existence

Could it be that we don’t really exist in this world at all?  Maybe we are actually in some cosmic Pizza Parlor playing a video game that seems like real life only when we die; it just means our pizza is ready?

There is a lot of evidence supporting this particular take on the nature of reality in that when your pizza is ready they “call your number”.   And we sometimes refer to someone’s dying as “their number being up.”  It seems plausible to a science  hobbiest such as myself,  that life might be just an advanced form of Donkey Kong you are playing until your pizza’s ready.

The “I Say Congealed You Say Cajoled” Theory of the existence

This one goes like this. Life is merely a humongous glob of uncongealed matter put here to cajole us into thinking that matter matters.

The Great Uncongealed

This conglomeration of The Great Uncongealed is designed to keep us so busy we won’t even notice that we don’t know who we are — what we are — where we came from — where we are going – or what we’re supposed to be doing. If true, it seems to be working pretty good so far.

The Life is Simply a Figment of One’s Imagination Theory of Existence

This is the theory where upon  everything exists because and only because you “think” it exists.  It goes something like this:

You’re brain concentrates only on the things you want to have in your life.  It does this by directing a beam of energy out of your eyes and into, say, your living room, where whatever it is you just thought about is materialized just seconds before you sit down in that chair that was there seconds earlier but isn’t there anymore. (The Universe thinks this is hilarious, by the way, so just pretend you don’t notice or you will only encourage it.)

I know it’s a little confusing.  Perhaps if I tried explaining it in a different way . . .

Let’s say you are out in the forest when a tree suddenly falls just as you are entering the cottage of the three bears.  And as far as you know, there is nobody else in the forest.  Well, except maybe for Goldilocks but just for the sake of argument, let’s pretend she’s deaf. Isn’t this fun?

Did  the tree make any noise when it fell?  If you answered no, did it ever occur to you that you might have been slurping your porridge so loudly you couldn’t have heard a nuclear explosion?

My point is – and I assure you I have one . . . I think . . . well, now you’ve got me so upset about poor little deaf Goldilocks, I forgot what my point was . . . I hope you’re happy.

“Say what?”

Until next time . . . I love you

The AARP / AAA Smackdown for Little Ol’ Moi

Linda Vernon It Came In the Mail, Things I Have Trouble With , , , , , , , , , , ,

Gosh! I haven’t been this popular since I was in the eighth grade and three boys liked me at the same time.  But that magical time of youth was nothing compared to the fuss AARP and AAA are making over me. It’s enough to make a girl blush into a coma! LOL (laughing out loud)

And all because I’m so alluring (ly old).

Today it’s AAA that’s come a-courting.  For instance, this tender love letter  arrived only moments ago by special dispatch because, ahem . . . there’s not a minute to lose:

Now that’s exactly what I was thinking on the way to my mailbox . . .  I was literally thinking if only someone, somewhere would just give an old, sick, poor loser such as myself one last chance . . . well, I just figured it was just some kind of OFFOM! (old-fogey fantasy of mine)

And then when I proceeded to read:

“Or you may want to wipe out any outstanding debts after your passsing or relieve your family from the expense of a funeral.”

Well, doggone it, my heart melted, AAA! (American Automobile Association!)

You are so Frigging Sweet!  You mean to tell me you want to wipe out my debts after my passing?  You are soooo adorable OMG ! (oh my god!)

One small question though– you don’t say after passing what?  Do you mean after passing the bar exam or something because I’ve never been to law school — you must be getting me mixed up with someone else. ROFBAHL  (rolling on floor breaking a hip laughing!)

Anyway, I’m delighted that you want to relieve my family from the expense of a funeral and that’s great and all, but we don’t normally go around paying for random people’s funerals so I’m a little confused MBTA! (must be the alzheimers!)

But wait a minute.   Are you being ironic on purpose AAA?  Because didn’t you just imply that any minute now I could KTB? (kick the bucket?)  Oh I get it, you’re just messing with my SM!  (senile mind!)

SILLY AAA! (silly american automobile association!)

PS. I so frigging love you right now I can’t even say!

************

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grownup Children #138

Linda Vernon bedtime stories for grown up children, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

Ted Flerk’s Autobiography

“As you know, children, we always observe National Rubber Spatula Day here at Connie’s Kindergarten Cuisine Academy and–” Miss Connie’s announcement was interrupted by a collective moan from the classroom.

“And,” Miss Connie continued unfazed, “I therefore will be reading to you from Scraping By — the autobiography of Ted Flerk who you will remember is credited with inventing the rubber spatula.

Miss Connie calmly opened to page one and began reading in a clear, strong voice as several students rushed for the door that Miss Connie had had the presence of mind to bolt.

“The story of how it came to pass that fateful day in Mother’s kitchenette, when I, Ted Flerk, invented mankind’s most important baking utensil, the rubber spatula, is, I suppose, a tedious tale, or, more precisely, a thorough recounting, if you will, of—“

Suddenly a loud boom erupted from the back of the classroom. Miss Connie looked over the top of her reading glasses. Charles was out of his seat.

“If you’re thinking you’re going to bust down that door, Charles, you’ve got another thing coming.” Miss Connie said mildly. ” Now, put down that battering ram and return to your seat immediately!”  Miss Connie continued reading.

” . . . the events leading up to the day I thought of inventing the Rubber Spatula, including what happened while I was physically inventing the rubber spatula, itself,  in addition to a detailed accounting of my life up to that point– “

Suddenly there was a mighty crash and a tinkling of glass. Miss Connie calmly put her finger on her place in the book and looked up. Several girls were helping each other climb through the jagged glass of the broken classroom window. A line of students was quickly forming behind them. Miss Connie chose to ignore the interruption and continued reading.

” . . . and exactly how I, Ted Flerk, was able to scrape every type of bowl known to man leaving no detail undocumented. . . “

At 3:00 sharp, Miss Connie bookmarked her place in the book, turned out the lights of her now empty classroom and went home.

 

Inventor of the rubber spatula
Ted Flerk, inventor of the rubber spatula and the Author of Scraping By

 

Ain’t Monday Smarvelous!

Linda Vernon Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s Monday once again. (I’m starting to sense a pattern here.) I thought it might be nice to start the week out with some happy peppy people. And I just happened to have a few stashed away in the corner waiting for a time such as this to spring them on you. And so, fresh from their last appearance at the Thrift store may I present:

Happy Peppy People Who Are A Little Bit Too Happy and Too Peppy for Their Own Good.

What are these Happy Peppy People doing?

They are being the spokes models for the Ray Coniff Orchestra with every fiber of their being.

Isn’t it Smarvelous?  The back cover tries to explain what’s going on with this inexplicable explanation:

‘S Connif too, with a companion volume, although in no sense a sequel to his bestselling “Wonderful! This time the music is moodier, and the arrangements a little more subtle . . .

Subtle, yes well . . . I mean what could be more subtle than fully clothed pole dancers? Or maybe they’re fully clothed people hugging gigantic pencils? Either way, it’s subtle alright. In fact, it’s Subtle Marvelous or Smarvelous, if you will.

Oh look!  These adorably diminutive Happy Peppy People who have just been run out of town on a rail are the New Christy Minstrels!  Not to be confused with the Old Christy Minstrels who the New Christie Minstrels bound and gagged and hid in the backstage closet.

Of course, the New Christy Minstrels are now, themselves, the Old Christy Minstrels.  Not to worry, scientists knew this was going to happen and have been working ‘round the clock since 1972 to prepare the new ones.

They are hoping to have The New Christy-Clone Minstrels ready in time for Christmas.

Here’s some Happy Peppy People who named themselves Serendipity.

This is a group of fun-loving singers who are awaiting their chance to bind and gag the New Christie Minstrels and stash them in the closet along with the Old Christy Minstrels so they can replace them both as the New Most-Improved Christy Minstrels.  Talk about Serendipity!

And finally here’s a Happy Peppy Person who is so happy and so peppy he is literally having — and I quote:  “The Time of My Life!”

The first sentence on the back cover explains:

“John Davidson is a six-foot, blue-eyed young baritone who sings with a unique combination of warmth and power . . .”

It’s a good thing he sings with power too because somebody seems to have stolen his microphone . . . shhhh . . . don’t tell him though, there’s no reason to ruin the time of his life.

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Weekend Writing Challenge: A 33-Word Letter of Apology Try #2

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

For this week’s challenge, you have to write a letter of apology in exactly 33 words. Addresses, salutations, closings, etc. (should you wish to include them) do not count in the 33 words.

Try #2

What happened to your shockingly-sensational, silk sari sipping Seven-up in the surrey at six on Saturday certainly sucks seriously.

Super sorry about your sari, Sarah.

P.S.  Oh and sorry about the Salmonella too.

Sid

Sarah

Trifecta Weekend Writing Challenge: A 33-Word Letter of Apology

Linda Vernon Writing life , , , , , , , , , , ,

For this week’s challenge, you have to write a letter of apology in exactly 33 words. Addresses, salutations, closings, etc. (should you wish to include them) do not count in the 33 words.

Dear Ms. Pinkie,

On behalf of myself and the entire team, I would like to extend our heart-felt apologies in conjunction with the abrupt severing of our relationship last Thursday. It was purely accidental.

I remain,

The Hand from Whence You Came

 

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oops!

 

Wahoo! 

The Tullberry Todgrass Brooch Scandal came in 2nd in last week’s Trifecta Writing Challenge!

Until next time . . . I love you

Nothing Going Yawn In Science

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine, What the Scientiests are Thinking About , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Flipping through my husband, 37’s Scientific American, this quote popped out at me (I don’t think it was trying to hurt me . . .  just overly excited):

“We could be sitting in the midst of a “Galaxy-Wide Web’ of alien chatter, which to us would appear like noise.”  — Grant Hallman Huntsville, Ontario

Grant Hollman, Scientific American Letter to the Editor Writer

SETI  — not a very good acronym for Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence — is trying to discover an extraterrestrial civilization outside our solar system —  right this very minute — by listening with all their might for non-natural radio emissions. So far their findings are zilch.

A picture of zilch (ignore kitty)

But now, we find out that Grant Hallman of Huntsville Ontario,whose credentials are that his letter to the editor was published in Scientific American — thinks that aliens could be chattering away at us right this very minute– blabbing all kinds of juicy secrets, but to us humans it sounds like just your regular, ordinary, household noise, see.

Well thanks a heap Grant! Like we weren’t confused enough already!

Frankly, I think the only reason the Scientists at Seti haven’t heard any alien messages is because — just between you, me and the aliens — I don’t think Scientists, as a whole, are very good listeners.

I mean have you ever seen a scientist on the Science Channel listening?  I haven’t.  They’re always blubbering on about  how we are all made of star stuff (they just can’t get over it!) or blathering about black holes (They’re Black!  They’re Holes!  They’re Black Holes!) or whining about how the sun’s going to burn out someday. (The sun’s going to burn out someday! And they just can’t wait!)

So now we find out, according to Grant’s letter to the editor of Scientific American, the aliens have been talking to us all this time through “noise”  and we didn’t even notice it.  LOL!

All we have to do now is figure out what the aliens are trying to tell us by virtue of random noises such as horns blaring, kitties meowing and balloons popping, and we’ll be just that much further ahead as a civilization as a whole!

Plus, it will give the Science Channel something new to talk about.

YAY! Noise! Finally a new topic!

Until next time . . . I love you

Sometimes People In 1967 Didn’t Know About Italy and Stuff

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 Meet Ruth Conrad Bateman. There are a couple of things you should know about Ruth. Ruth is a Professional Home Economist, Ruth has a “genuine feeling” for food, and Ruth doesn’t take any guff.

Now, Ruth has always been a restless soul and back in 1967, before the invention of transportation, Ruth apparently stumbled upon a little known country name Italy where they eat “Italy” food and stuff.

That’s when Ruth got a wonderful, very good idea. She would compile a booklet with “instructions” on how to make “Italy” food. And here it is:

Now look closely at this cover. There’s wine, scallops and overly large wooden utensils that Italy people are so fond of cooking with. If that doesn’t smack of Italy — Ruth Conrad Bateman doesn’t know what does.

Also note that Ruth has included valuable coupons inside. That adorable, irrepressible Ruth! Let’s see what gives with that:

See you learn something every day! Who knew “Prune Shine” was Italian? Prune Shine is the natural way to stay regular, day after day! And when viewed in a prudential light, this could be considered a good thing.

However, if it turns out not to be a good thing due to having to urgently leave the room every ten minutes, Ruth has thoughtfully included a coupon to make you feel better about the situation:

 Because Ruth knew that back in 1967, there really wasn’t much a person wasn’t willing to put up with for a nickel.

It’s also interesting to note that the makers of Sunsweet Prune Juice felt it necessary to use six adjectives to get you to drink it. Just a fun fact!

Now on to the Italy food! Or as Ruth puts it, “Lookee what I made!”

Here’s where Ruth really gets into the nuts and bolts of Italian food! Except instead of using nuts and bolts, Ruth is using jumbo shrimp. For you see, Ruth wanted an opportunity to tell us that jumbo shrimp is a delicacy that is available in many fine Italian restaurants which serve Italy food.

But Ruth doesn’t want us to feel embarrassed if we’ve never heard of jumbo shrimp before because they were only recently discovered by Ruth Conrad Bateman, herself, when she accidentally fell overboard while sailing in the Adriatic and surfaced with jumbo shrimp stuck in her hair net! So you see it’s nothing to feel unsophisticated about.

And finally, what Italian Cookbook would be complete without this helpful hint fresh from the lips of the Italy Food Diva, herself, Ruth Conrad Bateman:

And if that little treasure of wisdom doesn’t save you at least a nickel, Ruth Conrad Bateman will eat her hair net, jumbo shrimp and all!

Until next time . . . I love you

My Beloved Puffy Tuft of Fluff

Linda Vernon Pets, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , ,
My Dog Cha

My dog Chauncey (Cha for short) is a good dog.  Oh she’s no Lassie, but  everywhere I go she goes.  Everywhere I sit she sits.  Everything I eat she eats.

Sometimes when I’m eating steak, she’ll  sit on the back of the couch and rest her head on my shoulder pretending she’s one of my heads — hoping I’ll forget which mouth to put the food into. She actually thinks I won’t notice.  Silly dog!  It never works . . . OK, it hardly ever works.

Cha pretending to be one of my heads.

My dog, Cha, isn’t Lassie, but she is nine pounds of fur, eat and bark.  She’s crabby to just about everyone.  Especially sweet little children who try to pet her.  She’s been known to bark a pit bull into submission — as far as she thinks anyway. And she can eat virtually anything in three bites or less.

A psychic would quickly realize that Cha has an odor where her aura ought to be. It boggles the mind to think about how many  calories it must take for her to generate that kind of a cloud.

"Hey, is that Chauncey's aura I'm smelling?"
If you haven’t guessed already,Dear Reader, this is my constructive way of saying that Cha stinks in spades.  Not her breath so much.  I’d have to say she’s more of a full-body odor wafter who radiates from a soul level — in that her whole being stinks, not just one part.

You can shampoo Cha till the cows come home (they never do by the way)  and when she’s all washed and all dried and all puffy like a tuft of fluff — well, that’s the best time to put your nose close in — but you have to be careful–  the first three-quarters of the whiff is going to be fine and dandy –but the last one-quarter of the whiff is going to be pure PU.

"Are we home yet?"
"No."
"Well when are we gonna get there?"
"Never."

Now, even though Cha has never done anything Lassie-ish — like calling attention to a house being on fire or calling attention to a blind person being on fire — she did once keep barking until I filled her food bowl.

And did I mention that when I walk she walks, when I sit she sits, when I stay she stays?  I did?  Well, did I also mention my dog, Cha, could double as a toupee?

Toupee of Cha

And that alone makes her better than Lassie . . . in my humble opinion.

Until next time . . . I love you