Month: February 2019

Jesus, Twix Bars, and the Samaritan Woman

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week:

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible storiesJesus, Twix Bars and the Samaritan Woman

When Jesus was alive, he had to walk everywhere.  Biblical walking wasn’t much fun.  Everybody wore opened-toed shoes with no arch support, and there was ox manure everywhere and people were constantly stubbing their toes on the stones that were laying around all over the place– which made the countryside convenient for impromptu stonings, sure, but horrible for walking.

One day on his way to Galilee, Jesus and his disciples got a little lost and realized they would have to walk through Samaria.  In those days, Samaria was to Jesus and his disciples what Mexico is to Americans today.  Fun but iffy.

After stepping in ox manure and stubbing their toes on rocks all the way there (except for Jesus who not only  knew exactly where, but, more importantly, where not to step), the disciples and Jesus were pretty tuckered out.

Finally they came to a well and Jesus sat down to rest while the disciples, who were starving, went to find a good goat burger drive walk-through.

A Samaritan woman came to draw water from the well that Jesus was sitting on.

The Bible According to Gregory, Linda Vernon Humor, Jesus and Samaritan Woman humorous bible stories

Here is the conversation that ensued as summarized by Gregory who’s never read the bible and doesn’t ever listen in Sunday school:

Samaritan Woman:  Uh, excuse me. Can you move over, I’m trying to draw some water.

Jesus:  Will you give me a drink of water?

Samaritan Woman:  Well uh . . . I see by your name tag that you’re a Jew and I’m a Samaritan and Jews never drink out of Samaritan cups!

Jesus:    Actually, I could give you some water.  Some living water and then you would never be thirsty again.  Indeed the water I give will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

Samaritan Woman:  No kidding?  Kind of like a camel only better!

Jesus:  Go get your husband.

Samaritan Woman:  I have no husband.

Jesus:  You are right when you say you have no husband.  The fact is, you have had five husbands and the man you now have is not your husband.  What you just said is true.

Samaritan Woman:  So you’re the one whose been reading my diary!

Then Jesus told the woman the time is coming when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth.

Samaritan Woman:  Well I know that Messiah is coming.  When he comes he will explain everything to us.

Jesus:  “I am the one speaking to you –I am he!”

Just then the disciples showed up with some righteous goat burgers and the woman left her water jug and ran  back to the village to tell the Village People (who just happened to be playing there that day) as well as the rest of the village people that they were never going to believe who she just met at the well . . .

The bible acording to Gregory, Linda Venron Humor

Meanwhile the disciples were trying to get Jesus to eat.

Disciple:  Rabbi, eat something!

Jesus:  “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”

The disciples waited for Jesus to pull a Twix out of his robe pocket, but instead Jesus said, “My food, is to do the will of him who sent me to finish his work.”

If the disciples were disappointed, they tried not to show it.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week, to see what Gregory new exciting things Gregory will learn in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Smart Party Talk from 1937

Linda Vernon Flipping Through Vintage Magazines, Most Popular Posts, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers.  I found this picture in a 1937 cookbook which was just begging for some dialogue using slang from the 30’s.

So here goes:

 

picture of a party from 1937

Hey this party’s ring-a-ding-ding, don’t you think so, dollface?

It’s alright I suppose.

Suppose I say you’re a looker with a swell pair of get-away-sticks.

Suppose I say that’s the smoothest line of monkey talk I’ve heard all evening.

Suppose I say we blow this wingding and stop at a speako for a bottle of beer.

Suppose I say you’ve had one too many snoutfuls if you think I’d fall for a chisel like that.

Suppose I say let’s stop by my place, I’ll peel off this tuxedo, and we’ll roll a few lines at the bowling alley.

Suppose I say where did you learn to sweet talk,  from a correspondence course?

Suppose I say I wonder if you’re giving me the kibosh?

Suppose I say I’ll let you know after I finish this glass of giggle.

Suppose I say I’m going to park a honey cooler on those lips 0f yours?

Suppose I say try it and I’ll ram this gobble-pipe up your schnozzle!

Suppose I say remind me never to get dizzy with a dame who is holding a saxophone.

Suppose I say that’s the smartest thing you’ve said all  night.  Hey, I had you pegged all wrong, maybe you’re not a flopperoo after all.

Hey listen, muffin, let’s get another glass of rot gut, put on a keen platter and jolly up!

Murder! Now you’re talkin’ mister!

 

Until next time . . .  I love you

Slightly Creepy Seventies: Home Projects

Linda Vernon Slighty Creepy Seventies, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  It’s time for a dose of the Slightly Creepy Seventies.  An era that always cheers us up simply due to the fact that we are not living in it!

Today’s Slightly Creepy Seventies Topic:  Home Projects

Number One on the Slightly-Creepy Seventies Home Project List:

W W W Wine!! And of it
It’s a W-W-W-WINE! RAAAAAACK!

Life in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies was creepy.  Times were weird. Coping was strange. That’s why the very first home project on every Slightly-Creepy Seventies handyman Dad’s list was a great, big, huge, honkin’, wine rack of epic proportions!   Because nothing made the time whiz by in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies better than being incoherent.

And speaking of incoherent!

1970's Bedroom

Here’s an adorable, Slightly-Creepy Seventies bedroom makeover Handyman Dad made for his little teenage daughter, Jennifer, or maybe her name’s Melissa.  

Note the bitchin’ pocket-storage above the bed for those high school keepsakes, a cubby under the bed to store Captain and Tennille’s Greatest Hits , and there’s even a little desk for homework.  But the main attraction is:

The Full Complimentary Bar

There's nothing like a full bar in your teenager's Slighty-Creepy Seventies Bedroom to wipe away the Slightly Creepy Seventies Blues!
And if a full complimentary bar doesn’t effectively blur the lines between Slightly-Creepy Seventies reality and Slightly-Creepy Seventies teenage angst for precious Melissa (or Jennifer– who cares),  Slightly-Creepy Seventies Handyman Dad doesn’t know what will!

Oh sure, having a bar in a teenager’s bedroom by today’s standards might be considered negligent, but in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, nobody considered anything.  Things simply happened.  Handyman Dad thought it would be fun to install a bar in little whats-her-name’s bedroom and install a bar he did! Who are we to judge the parenting decisions of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies?

Now it’s time For Handyman Dad to enrich the lives of his other kids (the sober ones) by building a Slightly-Creepy Seventies Outdoor Play Structure.Seventies Ourdoor Play Structure

Oh no! It looks like the force of gravity is ten times the normal amount!!  Look out little Jennifer . . . Melissa?. . . Who Cares!   It looks like Slightly Creepy Seventies Handyman Dad accidentally built this Slightly-Creepy Seventies play structure over a gravitational anomaly where the perceptions of the laws of physics and gravity are in question!  What are the odds?  Well the odds were actually 100 % in the Slightly Creepy Seventies!

So that takes care of Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Handyman Dad’s home projects for the kids. But what about his lovely wife, Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Mary Tyler Moore?  

Well, Dear Readers, pictured below is the Slightly-Creepy Seventies home project Handyman Dad’s been dreaming about since he polished off the last bottle of wine in his Slightly-Creepy Seventies wine rack (see above).  Perhaps you’ve already guessed what it’s going to be . . . 

If you guessed  a Slightly-Creepy Seventies Nursery/Stripper Pole, Congratulations! You’re really getting the hang of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies!

1970's horrible Decor

And for those of you who guessed correctly, be sure to stop off at  Melissa Jennifer who care’s room and fix yourself a Tom Colins, nobody will ever know the difference anyway as they are all outside trying to extract little whatshername from the Slightly-Creepy-Seventies, Outdoor Play Structure Gravity Vortex.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a little Slightly-Creepy Seventies to get you through the weekend.

Until next time . . . I love you

Do You Suffer from Jam Side Down Syndrome?

Linda Vernon Who am I?, Writing life , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Scenario:    Shuffle to computer holding toast and jam.  Promptly drop toast and jam — jam side down — onto computer keyboard. 

Now most people would label this as the beginning of a very bad day — a Jam Side Down Day, if you will. But for me, it’s simply part of my normal, everyday, existence.

That’s because I suffer from a syndrome called  Jam-Side-Down Syndrome or JSDS.  You’ve probably never heard of it before due to the fact that I just now made it up.

Jam in happier times.

Now, even though I just this very moment made up Jam Side Down Syndrome, not to worry, Dear readers, I’m sure there will be a pill for it coming out on the market any minute now. (Remember to ask your doctor about it.)

 

Extremely rare photo of Jam Side Up. Experts cannot agree as to its authenticity.

And I bet this new  miracle drug will probably be no more addictive than your average heroin cigarette and with a risk of side-effects no more dangerous than, say, marrying Henry the VIII.

So no big whoop all the way around!  Wouldn’t you agree?

Now it seems the only thing left for me to do is think up a quiz that would indicate whether or not a person might be suffering from JSDS.  Well, that’s smple!

Do You Suffer from Jam Side Down Syndrome? The Quiz!

1) How many articles of clothing are hanging in your closet this very minute that have jam stains on them?

a) one

b) two

c) 17  perhaps?

2) How many times did you slip on some jam and fall down the stairs this morning?

a) one

b) two

c) 17 perhaps?

If a tree fell in the forest do you think it would land jam side down?

a) yes

b) no

c) 17 perhaps?

Suppose you were skydiving while eating toast and jam and your parachute failed to open. What odds would you give yourself of landing Jam Side Down?

A)  7 out of 23

B) 132 out of 6

C)  17 perhaps?

Suppose you were walking through a beautiful garden and were hit on the head by an asteroid with jam on it that was hurling to earth at a tremendous speed.  Would the undertaker have to charge extra for washing jam out of your hair?

A) yes

B) No

C) 17 perhaps?

So there you have it, Dear Reader.  If you answered yes, no, or 17 perhaps?  to any of the above questions, you are most definitely suffering from Jam Side Down Syndrome BIG TIME!

Quickly!! Put down that toast and jam and call your local pharmaceutical company immediately. . . there’s not a minute to lose . . .oh . .  and please, please try not to get jam all over the phone!

Until next time . . . I love you

The Apostle Pizza Party

Linda Vernon Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school.  Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?

 LInda Vernon humoous bible stories

The Apostle Pizza Party

After Easter, Jesus appeared to his disciples 40 times.  Nobody knows whether Jesus came to visit them once a day for 40 days, or once every other day for 80 days or twice a day for 20 days.  

Biblical Scholars have tried to work it out mathematically, but have never been able to come up with the right answer which explains why they majored in theology in college and not math.

Cloudy with a 100% Chance of Ascension

The very last time Jesus came to visit the apostles, one of them asked Jesus if he would be giving back the Kingdom to Israel, and when Jesus answered that that decision was up to His Dad, the apostles must have look disappointed because Jesus quickly added:

“But when the Holy Spirit comes upon you, you will be filled with power and you will be witnesses for me in Jerusalem, in all of Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

This cheered the apostles up considerably because not only were they looking forward to the holy spirit coming upon them; it also meant they were going to have jobs that included travel.

After telling the apostles this, Jesus was taken up to heaven while the apostles watched Him even though a cloud was hiding Jesus from their sight.  

Biblical scholars are uncertain as to whether this cloud was intentional or if it was just the most ill-timed rain cloud in the history of mankind.

While the apostles were trying to get a glimpse of Jesus through the cloud, two men dressed in white suddenly appeared beside them and asked:

“Galileans, why are you standing here looking up at the sky?  This Jesus, who was taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way that you saw him go to heaven.” 

If the Apostles responded by saying — “Why would that  make us not want to watch while Jesus ascends to heaven?” the bible isn’t letting us in on it.

The Apostles Go Back to Their Room

After that, the Apostles went back to Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives which the bible is sure to mention was only about a half a mile away from Jerusalem — even though the bible doesn’t say why the Mount of Olives was called the Mount of Olives in the first place. (Some scholars believe that it was because the mountain was made entirely of olives while other scholars can’t stand the taste of olives.)

Once they got back to Jerusalem, the apostles went up to the room where they were staying and all the apostles were there except for guess who?  Judas and the guy who was suppose to deliver the fig pizza.

Judas’s Untimely Demise

Everybody knew why Judas wasn’t there.  After  betraying Jesus, Judas had gained an enormous amount of weight and eventually went into a field and died from choking on a ham sandwich after which he burst open and all his insides spilled out — grossing out everyone and their goat — even including the lepers who were totally used to being grossed out.

Anyway, after praying about who should replace Judas, two clear choices emerged:  Justus and Matthias.  After praying some more, choosing lots,  rolling dice and using the Roman Applause Meter (hand cranked), it was determined that Matthias won by a clap.

Right about then the fig pizza guy finally showed up.  Everybody felt bad for the loser, Justus, so they let him help himself to the pizza first. 

 And thus Justus was served.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please stop by next week to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school.

Until next time . . . I love you

Matthais get's to be the new Apostle

Current Events Coloring Pages

Linda Vernon Coloring Pages, Comics, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers, I think you’ll agree when I say that this world doesn’t need more current events.  What this world needs is more current events coloring pages.  To that end, this blog has taken it upon itself to provide coloring pages for some of today’s true news stories.

 

While we humans today enjoy sinking our teeth into a MacDonald’s Big Mac apparently some of our ancestors ate nothing but grass.

After examining the teeth of the ape-like 2.5 million-year-old East African Hominids, researchers from the University of Barcelona and the George Washington University in Washington, D.C. have concluded that they ate mostly grass.

THE EAST AFRICAN HOMINIDS WHO ATE MOSTLY GRASS COLORING PAGE

 

East African Hominids

A new study found bees can do arithmetic. After watching bees do stuff ad nauseum, Professor Adrian Dyer found that symbols representing simple math problems were presented to bees tasked with picking the tunnel that was marked with the correct answer.  Incredibly the bees were able to get the answer right 75% of the time!

Bees Capable of Mastering Basic Math Skills Coloring Page

 

 

 

When Emily Edwards was a little girl vacationing in Wales, she stuck a message in the bottle and launched it out to sea.  Imagine her surprise when it washed up 17 years later!

Message in Bottle Thrown in Sea Found 17 Years Later Coloring Page

 

 

And that concludes the current affairs coloring pages fort day Dear Readers!  Happy Coloring!

Moses and the Murmuring Mumblers

Linda Vernon Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Stories. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor Moses and the Murmuring Mumblers

One day, while Moses was cleaning out his closet, throwing out robes he hadn’t worn for over a year (because the same rules applied for closet cleaning in biblical days as they do today), there was a knock on the door of his tent. Of course Moses didn’t hear it, for knocking on doors made out of cloth was a rather futile endeavor even back in  biblical times.

But  Mose’s wife had excellent hearing and yelled to Moses that someone was at the door  and would he mind answering it as she was in the Bathshebaroom. So Moses answered the door but it wasn’t the Lord, it was a spy the Lord had sent to go to the land of Canaan to bring back some fruit and to find out if the people there were going to be hard or easy to slaughter on a scale of one to ten, one being cinchy and ten being No Way Jose!

The conversation might have gone something like this:

Moses:  So are the people in Canaan  going to be hard to slaughter or easy?

Spy:    Icksnay on the easy-ay

Moses:  Uh is that a yes or a no . . . my Pig Latin’s a little rusty, sorry.

Spy:  Let’s put it this way, everybody there was at least 40 cubits tall.

Moses:    I’m terrible with weights and measures, sorry . . .

Spy:  Well you know how big a grasshopper is compared to us?

Moses:   That depends . . . is a grasshopper the same as a locust?

Spy:  Well, I’ve got a grasshopper in my pocket,  see how big he is?

Moses: Oh my gosh!

Spy:  Yeah, well  that’s how big we are compared to the people we saw.

Moses:  Uh oh . . .

Spy:  Suffice it to say, Moses, that these people are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.

Moses:  Oy!  And what does suffice mean again?

Spy:  We are going to get our donkeys whooped!

Moses:  I  don’t like the sounds of that! Perhaps as a precautionary measure we should hide our asses before battle.

Spy:  Uh, I don’t think there’s  going to be any battle. On the way over here all the unwashed masses were murmuring and mumbling about how they weren’t  going to go to war.

Moses: All the unwashed masses murmured that?

Spy:  Yes and mumbled it too.

Moses:  Oy!  But what about the washed masses?

Spy:  Six of one, half a dozen of the other, you know what I mean?

Moses:  No.

Seconds later, the Lord showed up on his pillar cloud and told Moses that because the unwashed masses  didn’t want to go into battle, the Lord was going to kill each and every one of them including their children and grandchildren — then scatter their corpses across the wilderness, Moses thought it might be a good time to stage a drunk with power intervention.

So Moses tried to reason with the Lord, pointing out that if the  Lord killed everybody,  He would besmirch His reputation as a Huggable Teddy Bear Stuffed with Loving Kindness who traveled around the land in His Cloud Pillar answering  prayers and whatnot.

But the Lord was umoved by Moses’ intervention and sent everyone scurrying to go to battle with the giants of Canaan.  Naturally every Israelite that went to battle the giants was stepped on and squished  in the first three minutes and the ones that weren’t got  sprayed with Raid Israelite Spray.

It was just as well, really, because as it turns out the unwashed masses had forgotten and left the Ark of the Covenent in Moses’ tent  and a good time was had by everyone who wasn’t dead.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s installment of  The Bible According to Gregory.  Stayed to tuned next week for more biblical adventures!

Until next time . . . I love you

the Murmuring Mumblers

The Adventures of Roger the Baby

Linda Vernon The Adventures of Roger the Baby, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Today:  Roger’s Teeny Communication Foible

“I need your advice, Roger.” I remarked to my three-month-old baby, Roger.

“Wait until I’m through drooling.” Roger replied evenly.

“I’m hiring a babysitter.”

“Nancy, listen . . . “

“Don’t call me Nancy, Roger. Call me Mother, Roger, remember?”

“You mean you want me to call you Mother Roger Remember, Mother?”

“Oh Roger!  Your linguistics are appalling!”

“Perhaps, but no babysitter, huh?  I’ll just nap.”

“I’m acquiescing but reluctantly, Roger.”

“Oh and bring home a rattle, Nancy.”

“You mean bring home a rattle, Mother, Roger!”

“Fine! Bring home a rattle mother roger too, if you must then, Nancy.”

Roger and his mother, Nancy
Roger and his mother, Nancy

Until next time . . . I love you

A Visit from The Math Lady!

Linda Vernon The Math Lady , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  After much  coaxing, congealing, and coagulating I am happy to report that I have finally managed to talk  The Math Lady into stopping by for a visit.

The Math Lady

She has agreed to help us sharpen our math skills by presenting us with a few story problems.  The Math Lady would like us to pick up our pencils now and answer the following problems to the best of our abilities:

Wendy, Jennifer and their friends Enrique, Adonis and Fred are going camping for a week in the Grand Canyon. Enrique is bringing along his pet pig, Howard because Enrique doesn’t care much for Wendy, Jennifer or Adonis.   Adonis is bringing his goat, Peppy, and his chicken, Victoria.  Peppy and Victoria are best friends with Fred, Adonis, and Wendy, but Jennifer and Howard think they are annoying. (By the way has anybody seen Enrique?)  Fred is bringing his duck, George, who isn’t anybody’s best friend due to a rough childhood.  How many friends are going camping for a week in the Grand Canyon?

A)  Chocolate Pudding

B) One million trillion billion

C) Yes

D) Hey wait!  Has anybody seen Enrique?

Wendy, Jennifer and their friends with benefits Adonis and Fred have been camping for a week in the Grand Canyon.  Last night while they were all sitting around the campfire, they saw Enrique who weighs 172 pounds fall into the Grand Canyon at a velocity of 150 mph.  The backpack he was wearing weighed 28 pounds before he drank the 17 cans of beer contained inside.  Each can weighs 13 ounces when full but only 1 ounce when empty. If the wind velocity was 17 mph, how long did it take Enrique to reach the bottom of the Grand Canyon?

A) Chocolate pudding

B) One billion trillion million

C) Yes

D) Hey wait!  Has anybody seen Enrique?

After their week in the Grand Canyon, Wendy and Jennifer are each pregnant with triplets.  Their doctor says they can only gain 40 pounds each.  If Jennifer and Wendy eat one pig named Howard, one goat named Peppy, one chicken named Victoria and one duck named George for a combined calorie intake of 150,328 calories.  How many pounds will Wendy and Jennifer weigh when they arrive at the delivery room at 3:52 p.m. Eastern Standard Time?

A) Chocolate pudding

B) One trillion billion million

C) Yes

D) Hey wait!  Has anybody seen Fred and Adonis?

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Math Lady sincerely hopes these story problems have been helpful to you mathematically.  Oh, and if you answered A, B C or D to any of the above, please stay after class as The Math Lady would like to have a word with you. Good luck with that.

Until Next time . . . I love you

Bedtime Stories for Grown Up Children #55555

Linda Vernon bedtime stories for grown up children , , , , , , , , ,

 

Pamela Darling

Dear Pamela darling,

Oh joy!  I am getting married!  You’ll never believe how it happened!

I first set eyes on handsome Smolden Farlington, world renowned British row-boat archeologist, whilst he was boating down the Thames in his luxury yacht, Diana Who? a hand-me-down from Prince Charles himself!

I just happened to be sailing by in the opposite direction — seated coquettishly in my restored, side-seat, sculling rowboat (once belonging to King Richard III) — with Hargrove and Mabel – a couple whom I had recently hired to be my traveling companions and a couple whom, I might also add, were proving themselves to be excellent rowers!

But perhaps I should back up momentarily lest I confuse you, Pamela darling.

As you know, my name is Elizabeth Plinkton.   But I never told you that I am the Elizabeth Plinkton – of the famous hair-comb-empire Plinktons!  My great-grandfather, Sir Randolph Plinkton, having invented the comb with the tapering teeth from large to small — yes, Pamela, darling, just like the one you currently have in your bathroom drawer right now!

In fact, I’m so rich I’m nearly a freak, Pamela! But alas, being exceedingly rich makes one want to die from shear boredom.  You’re lucky you’re poor, Pamela, darling, for restoring historic rowboats as one’s only purpose in life turns out to be rather dull I’m afraid.

Which is why I had just slipped gently and quietly into the water – unbeknownst to Hargrove and Mabel — to end my life when, at that precise moment, Smolden Farlington and I passed each other like two ships in the night and our eyes met – his peeking out from beneath the bill of his borrowed captain’s hat and, mine – peering through the murky waters of the Thames.

Oh Pamela, darling!  It was love at first sight!

I shall be married Sunday next, Pamela, darling!  I would dearly love your presence- but, alas, you’re much too poor to invite– a fact that nearly breaks my heart but not quite.

Yours ever,

Elizabeth

horribel art by Linda Vernon Humor
Elizabeth Plinkton

Until next time . . . I love you

 

The Day Jesus Made His Mom Proud

Linda Vernon Adventures in Grandma Land, Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory goes to Sunday School and  every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about the first miracle that Jesus performed.

In biblical days, people were hard to get rid of.  If you invited people over for dinner (which in those days was called a feast) they would stay way too long and totally wear out their welcome.

One day Jesus and the disciples were invited to a wedding and Mary, his mother, was invited too.  (Either Joseph’s name wasn’t on the invitation or he couldn’t get the time off.)

Anyway, after the wedding everybody went over to the bridegroom’s house for some hardy feasting.  There was wine and food and music and fun and wine.

And just like today, if the wine runs out before the party is over, somebody has to do something about it.  That’s exactly what happened.

Just as Mary was going to refill her wine goblet, she overheard one of the servants  talking about how the guests were complete lushes who had drunk everything in the house including the water in the fish bowl.

“I will tell Jesus,” Mary assured the servants.

Mary wove her way through the revelers and found Jesus who was just about to belt out a rousing rendition of Amazing Grace on the Karaoke machine (hand cranked).

“They have no more wine.”  Mary announced unceremoniously.

To which Jesus replied, “Why are you telling me?” (Jesus tended to get a tiny bit sassy with his mom whenever she interrupted his Karaoke fun.)

Now Mary knew that Jesus would do something to help the people with their drinking problem (of not having anymore wine).   She ran back to the servants and said, “Whatever He tells you to do, do it.”

Once Jesus was finished singing (he was the original crooner, it was such a pity I left my heart in San Francisco hadn’t been invented yet), he looked around and saw six water pots and told the servants to fill all six jars with water which they did.

“Now,” Jesus said, “dip wine from the jar and carry it to the man who is in charge of the feast.”

Which they also did and by the time the man put the water to his lips, it had turned into the best wine the man had ever gotten drunk on!

So he called the bridegroom over and said,”Everyone else serves the best wine first, and after the guests have drunk a lot he serves the ordinary wine.  But you have kept the best wine until now.”

The man who was taking care of the feast did not know that Jesus had turned water into wine. The bridegroom did not know either.  The bridegroom just assumed that the servants had found the stash of expensive wine he had taken great pains to hide before everybody arrived.

But the servants knew and Mary knew that Jesus had performed his very first miracle.  Jesus had turned water into wine, not bum wine either, but really, really, really good wine. Mary couldn’t have been prouder!

“How’s that Jesus?”
“Keep pouring.”
“Is that enough?”
“No keep pouring!”
“Jesus! It’s going to overflow!”
“No, keep pouring, I know what I’m doing.”

 * * *

Until next time. . . I love you

Spill The Beans Saturday

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Spill the Beans

 

Welcome, Dear Readers, to Spill the Beans Saturday where I confess personal things about myself that you may have suspected but you were much too polite to mention.

 

I’ve never tasted a peanut and jelly sandwich because I just intuitively know I’m not going to like it.

I think all professional sports would be vastly improved if they were all done on horseback.

I love steak, but for some reason looking at cows never makes me hungry.

I always order spaghetti with mizithra cheese whenever I go to the Spaghetti Factory but I always trip up trying to pronounce mizithra so now I just point to it on the menu like I don’t speak English.

I also can’t pronounce Quardotriticale but luckily it’s not on the Spaghetti Factory’s menu.

In the solar system, my favorite star is the sun, my favorite planet is earth and my favorite belt is the asteroid belt.

If I had a nickel for every quarter I ever had I’d have no idea how much money I’d have.  You wouldn’t happen to know would you?  (If so please don’t tell me, I’ll just feel bad.)

My favorite Spanish phrase is “Arroz con Pollo”followed closely by “mi tortilla es su tortilla.”

I would marry Norm McDonald very much.

When it comes to states that are completely surrounded by water, Hawaii is probably my favorite.

I really haven’t been that excited about space since they stopped calling it outer space.

I want to know what keeps really small hummingbirds from mating with great big dragon flies.

I’d definitely buy a bumpersticker that says “honk if you like to honk”

I think Trump should start his own line of cologne and call it:  Does it stink in here or is it just me?

 

And that concludes Spill the Beans Saturday.  Have a great day!

Bad Ideas for Kindergarten Show and Tell

Linda Vernon Lists, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Bad Ideas for Kindergarten Show and Tell

 

Ignited Crepe Suzette

 

Alien implants

 

Old stogies I have found

 

A signed copy of  Mein Kampf

 

The license plates daddy made

 

Any type of Hooch

 

Auntie Bev’s puppy jerky recipe

 

Grandpa’s Toupee

 

The Ark of the Covenant