How to be a Professional Gluey Paste Salesman in Ten (or maybe eleven) Easy Steps!

March 8, 2022 Linda Vernon Thrift Store Finds 1931 Saturday Evening Post, Camp Town Racers, comedy, Gluey Paste Salesman, gluing your hand to somebody's elbow, how to become a glue salesman, humor, researchin glue, selling techniques, Smith and Wesson revolver, ten easy steps

Hello Dear Readers. As you may remember earlier this week, we were discussing some ads that appeared in an 81-year-old Saturday Evening Post such as this one for Gluey Paste:

I am happy to report, that I have done some extensive research this week into the exciting, fast-paced Gluey Paste industry and needless to say did not come up empty handed.

Have you often dreamed of living the glamorous life of a Gluey Paste Professional Salesman or woman but cried yourself to sleep each night thinking it would be impossible?

Well, Dear Reader, you can now turn those tears of sorrow into tears of joy in ten (or maybe eleven) easy steps!

How to Be A Successful Gluey Paste Salesman in Ten (or maybe eleven) Easy Steps!

Step One:

As a Gluey Paste Professional Salesman, you will begin any successful sales call by shaking the hand of the potential Gluey Paste customer and greet him by saying, “How do you do, Mr. Smith.”

Step Two

The salutation should be immediately followed by noticing a smudge on Mr. Smith’s elbow and offering to wipe it off — the act of which will quickly bond Mr. Smith to you, the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman.

Step Three:

Uh oh. It looks like you, as the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman, might have inadvertently bonded yourself to Mr. Smith literally.

Do not be alarmed as this happens more often than not. However, it is of the utmost importance that you, as the Professional Gluey Paste Salesmen, remain calm and under no circumstances let Mr. Smith know what has just transpired.

Step Four

Assuming a nonchalant air, casually turn around so that you and potential customer, Mr. Smith, are facing in the same direction.

This might be a good time to introduce an interesting topic of conversation, such as: “How ’bout them Yankees?” A question that will keep Mr. Smith so busy thinking, he’ll undoubtedly fail to notice that he is glued to you, the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman.

Step Five

Next, you must inch Mr. Smith in the direction of the washroom with the eventual outcome of washing the glue off each of you.

However, in order to get Mr. Smith to cooperate fully without being the wiser, you simply explain that as the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman, you are very interested in the equipment in the washroom to see if it correlates with the amount of glue a potential customer such as Mr. Smith is likely to purchase.

Step Six

Should you, as the Gluey Paste Professional Salesman, suddenly trip and land in the manner pictured above, calmly explain to Mr. Smith that you are practicing your moves for an audition later in the afternoon with the Flying Wallenda’s.

Mr. Smith will not only understand-; he’s very likely to be impressed with your well-rounded personality.

Step Seven

This is the most precarious time in any successful sales call for both you, the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman, and your potential customer, Mr. Smith.

While you are struggling to get things “back on track”, it is recommended that you belt out a rousing rendition of Camp Town Racers since it has been scientifically proven that the singing of Camp Town Racer’s puts people in the mood to buy glue.

Step Eight

Once you have managed to unstick your hand from Mr. Smith’s elbow, next stick your hand onto Mr. Smith’s knee.

Step Nine

Now, of course, it is just a matter of “walking” Mr. Smith over to a chair so that he can sit down and sign the purchase agreement for upwards of 14 cases of Gluey Paste!

Step Ten

Be careful here because this is often the critical moment in which Mr. Smith is likely to get cold feet causing you to have wasted the entire morning without getting any sales commission. Therefore you must be prepared to put some serious sales pressure on Mr. Smith.

Step Eleven:

( Please note this step is only to be used should steps one through ten fail to produce a sale.)

If Mr. Smith still refuses to “come around” after utilizing steps one through ten, pull out the stops by pulling out your Gluey Paste Company issued Smith and Wesson revovlver.

Not only will Mr. Smith’s status be instantly upgraded from potential customer to loyal customer, you’ll be well on your way to experiencing the exciting lifestyle of a world-class Gluey Paste Professional Salesman!

Until next time . . . I love you

Vintage Ads from the Great Depression or “Are You Gonna Eat the Rest of Your Paste?”

February 22, 2022February 22, 2022 Linda Vernon Thrift Store Finds 1931 Saturday Evening Post, athlete, athlete's foot, comedy, Dr. Scholl's Solvex, Glo-co, Gluey Paste, Golfer's itch, Great Depression, gym foot, healthy scalps, humor, humour, kids eating paste, ringworm, vintage ads, vintage magazines from 1931

1931 Saturday Evening Post

Last night, I was browsing through this 81 year-old Saturday Evening Post (I’m trying to catch up on my reading), when I came across this ad:

This ad states that in 1931, Gluey Paste was used in over half of schools in the United States. It doesn’t say what the other half used, I’m guessing Pastey Glue.

And since it was the Great Depression, it’s also probably safe to assume that whether it was Gluey Paste or Pastey Glue — it was certainly the favorite breakfast choice for United States school children everywhere.

Underneath that ad was this happy thought:

As the ad so carefully blurts out, if your feet (and toes) are itchy you, could have anything from Athlete’s Foot to Gym Foot — maybe even going so far as to have contracted a case of Golfer’s Itch which is apparently a subsidiary itch of the athlete or the person who frequents a gym.

The ad also mentions ringworm right after mentioning
Golfer’s Itch. So apparently back in 1931, it was common place to contract ringworm while golfing.

Of course, it was nothing to worry about since Dr. Scholl’s Solvex could be used as a remedy and purchased for a buck. And if that didn’t work, you could always steal some Gluey Paste or Pastey Glue off some United States School children and give that a go.

And of course, what man could hold his head up in public without:

Apparently in 1931, there were two ways to wear one’s hair. Brushed or Well Brushed. The pinnacle to which one could aspire hair-wise in 1931, was to have “well brushed hair all the time,” in addition to a “healthy scalp” (Apparently a healthy scalp wasn’t a given and there were a profusion of unhealthy scalps to be encountered at every turn that one must politely ignore.)

The ad goes on to imply that in order to get both well brushed hair all the time AND a healthy scalp simultaneously, one must pour liquid hair dressing on one’s head taking great care to smell it first.

If it was unscented it went on the head-; if it was scented it went on the head of lettuce.

It goes without saying, of course, that said wearer should thoroughly saturate the hair and scalp in order to get that freshly applied “oily glow” hence the catchy name: Glo-co!

So there you have it, Dear Reader! And what did we learn today? Let’s review in case you suddenly find yourself whisked away to the Great Depression:

We learned that in 1931, Pastey Glue and Gluey Paste were an important part of every child’s breakfast.
We learned that in 1931, if you didn’t have ringworm, you probably weren’t a very good golfer.
We learned that in 1931, men with oil dripping down the back of their necks had healthy scalps.

Until next time . . . I love you

Sports Illustrated Brings Us 1963

December 27, 2021 Linda Vernon Flipping Through Vintage Magazines, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds 1963 Sports Ilustrated, Daisy BB Gun indoor range, funny, humor, humorous commentary, Jack Nicklaus, Kent Cigarette Ad, MacGregor Golf Clubs, Vintage magazine humorous commentary, vintage Sports Illustrated Magazine 1963

Oh Dear Readers! Look what crossed my path yesterday at the used bookstore!

Illustration of woman relaxing on a yatch in a two-piece Swim suit circa 1963 — A Sports Illustrated Magazine from 1963! Isn’t it wonderful? Let’s flip through it together, shall we?

Here’s 1963, Master’s Champion Jack Nicklaus singing the praises of the MacGregor Woods with their exclusive penetrating impregnation method! Wow! Now that’s impressive!

Ad from Sports Illustrated 1963 Golf Ad — Golf in 1963 was sure a lot more interesting than it is now.

The ad goes on to explain that the exclusive penetrating impregnation method was the most talked about club feature in golf! (Well, I should say so!) “Because it let’s you use a wood with confidence in bad lies.” Gosh I wonder if Tiger knows about this?

Hey! Who doesn’t want to live in a world where shirts were only $5.00 raise your hand!

Man in car driving away — Shh . . . don’t tell Mr.Sophisticated City Dweller who is wearing his Dacron Docoma Breeze shirt that the poor country bumpkins who just got off the b.u.s. are laughing *at him not with him.*

Stuffed shirts didn’t come any less wrinkle-free than in 1963 thanks to Docoma Breeze shirts boasting Grip-Tab, Dress ‘n Play, Blake collars — which only cool city dwellers could afford at $5 a pop. And if that didn’t make a man want to drive around Manhattan, mannequin-like, in a car three-sizes too small –1963 doesn’t know what did!

Don’t Worry Honey! Kent’s Micronite Filter makes cigarettes good for you!

Blah Blah — This Kent ad is the very first and the very last ad to utilize the phrase “refines away”.

Apparently back in 1963, the key to smoking fun was getting the cigarette to have the mildest taste of all! Kent was hoping that smokers wouldn’t put 2 and 2 together and realize that the mildest taste of all would be not smoking any cigarettes at all.

Question! What’s more fun than shooting guns with daddy? Shooting guns with daddy in the house! What else?

Father and Son unpacking Daisy BB Range — Run for cover,Sis! Look out Spot! Whoops sorry, Dear!

What better way for fathers to bond with their sons and to teach their sons to grow up to be men than by shooting bb guns with them in the house? Oh sure, a few of mother’s prized figureens may have to be sacrificed, and little Suzie’s buttox will probably never be the same — but it’s a small price to pay for teaching little boys what it really means to be a man — 1963 style!

Now then wasn’t that fun? I hope you liked our little foray into the world of 1963, Dear Readers!

Until next time . . . I love you

A Guy Named Ted’s 1991 Yearbook!

May 13, 2019 Linda Vernon Thrift Store Finds 1991 year book, alphabet, comedy, community, creativity, culture, humor, humour, Language Arts, Math class, math teacher, p.e. teacher, prepositonal phrase, school, style, Ted, vowel

We all remember the somewhat-iffy glory days of our semi-beloved junior high school!

Some of us adored it and some of us hated it. Apparently, Ted, whose yearbook I found on the shelves of my local thrift store, fits into the latter catagory.

So pull your hair into a side pony tail and twist your hat backwards and let’s take a little trip to Junior High 1991 courtesy of Ted:

Now here’s a student who, even though he tried valiantly NOT to listen during Language Arts class, accidentally absorbed a few nuggets of wisdom.

Not only do I give him kudos for remembering two of the eight parts of speech, but he even threw in “vowel” as well as the rarest type of letter in the alphabet, “the consant.”

I’m also giving him extra points for mentioning the “prep prase” which I’m guessing is any prepositional phrase that is complimentary.

Apparently this same kid was also in Ted’s History class.

Now here’s a category they didn’t have when I was in Junior High:

Not to be confused with:

And of course, what yearbook would be complete without fun photo doctoring:

Everybody had a Jr. High math teacher named Mr. Flem (or should have):

And finally:

The eternally effervescent P.E. teacher, Mrs. Miller, leaves Ted with these parting words:

“Ted, you’ve got a great personality. Keep things in the right perspective OK?

Ted! You gotta love him, don’t you?

Until next time . . . I love you

Recipes for People Who Are all Dead Now

April 16, 2019April 16, 2019 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds 1969, comedy, funny cookbooks, funny food, funny gelatin recipes, gelatin whip, humor, humorous, humour, jello recipes from 1969, Knox Gelatin Recipes, lemon chiffon Pie, mousse, On-Camera Knox Gelatin Recipes, people who are dead, unflavored gelatin snow, vintage cookbooks, vintage recipes, whipped by cane recipes

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to today’s blog where we will be talking about recipes for people who are all dead now.

Back in 1969, there were a lot of people in the world who liked eating Tomato Aspic, Jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf Salad. Unfortunately all those people are dead now — taking with them to the grave every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin. But don’t worry, through the pages of this bizarre cookbook entitled Knox On-Camera Recipes, we will examine in great detail some Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be. Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s history.

Knox Gelatin On-Camera Recipes from 1969:

The Knox On-Camera Recipes cookbook begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin which are as follows:

The Simple Gel

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor — This delightful red brick is an example of a simple gel. Mix Knox Gelatin with your favorite liquid and lay it atop (gently now!) a type of lettuce that is probably extinct now. Slice a cucumber for charm and casually toss some olives (blindfolded) for that devil-may-care appeal. The only thing left to do now is wander the streets looking for a person in the 110 year-old age group to eat it.

Gelatin Whip

Unflavored Gelatin Snow

Lemon Chiffon Pie

Knox Gelatin On Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor — In an effort to include something actually edible into the five types of gelatin, Knox came up with Lemon Chiffon Pie. First it’s chilled then whipped then partially chilled yadda yadda yadda, who cares anymore.

Mousse

And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into learning about recipes for people who are all dead now.

Until next time . . . I love you

Sports Illustrated Brings Us 1963

April 8, 2019 Linda Vernon Flipping Through Vintage Magazines, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds 1963 Sports Ilustrated, Daisy BB Gun indoor range, funny, humor, humorous commentary, Jack Nicklaus, Kent Cigarette Ad, MacGregor Golf Clubs, Vintage magazine humorous commentary, vintage Sports Illustrated Magazine 1963

Oh Dear Readers! Look what crossed my path yesterday at the used bookstore!

Here’s 1963, Master’s Champion Jack Nicklaus singing the praises of the MacGregor Woods with their exclusive penetrating impregnation method! Wow! Now that’s impressive!

Hey! Who doesn’t want to live in a world where shirts were only $5.00 raise your hand!

Don’t Worry Honey! Kent’s Micronite Filter makes cigarettes good for you!

Question! What’s more fun than shooting guns with daddy? Shooting guns with daddy in the house! What else?

Now then wasn’t that fun? I hope you liked our little foray into the world of 1963, Dear Readers!

Until next time . . . I love you

Smart Party Talk from 1937

February 23, 2019 Linda Vernon Flipping Through Vintage Magazines, Most Popular Posts, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds 1930's slang, dizzy with a dame, flopperoo, funny dialogue, How people used to talk, humor, humorous dialogue from the 1930's, humour, jolly up, keep platter, Rot gut, smooth line of monkey talk

Welcome Dear Readers. I found this picture in a 1937 cookbook which was just begging for some dialogue using slang from the 30’s.

So here goes:

Hey this party’s ring-a-ding-ding, don’t you think so, dollface?

It’s alright I suppose.

Suppose I say you’re a looker with a swell pair of get-away-sticks.

Suppose I say that’s the smoothest line of monkey talk I’ve heard all evening.

Suppose I say we blow this wingding and stop at a speako for a bottle of beer.

Suppose I say you’ve had one too many snoutfuls if you think I’d fall for a chisel like that.

Suppose I say let’s stop by my place, I’ll peel off this tuxedo, and we’ll roll a few lines at the bowling alley.

Suppose I say where did you learn to sweet talk, from a correspondence course?

Suppose I say I wonder if you’re giving me the kibosh?

Suppose I say I’ll let you know after I finish this glass of giggle.

Suppose I say I’m going to park a honey cooler on those lips 0f yours?

Suppose I say try it and I’ll ram this gobble-pipe up your schnozzle!

Suppose I say remind me never to get dizzy with a dame who is holding a saxophone.

Suppose I say that’s the smartest thing you’ve said all night. Hey, I had you pegged all wrong, maybe you’re not a flopperoo after all.

Hey listen, muffin, let’s get another glass of rot gut, put on a keen platter and jolly up!

Murder! Now you’re talkin’ mister!

Until next time . . . I love you

Smart Party Talk from 1937

January 30, 2016April 17, 2023 Linda Vernon Thrift Store Finds 1930's slang, dizzy with a dame, flopperoo, funny dialogue, humor, humorous dialogue from the 1930's, humour, jolly up, keep platter, rot guy, smooth line of monkey talk

Welcome Dear Readers. I found this picture in a 1937 cookbook which was just begging for some dialogue using slang from the 30’s.

So here goes:

Hey this party’s ring-a-ding-ding, don’t you think so, dollface?

It’s alright I suppose.

Suppose I say you’re a looker with a swell pair of get-away-sticks.

Suppose I say that’s the smoothest line of monkey talk I’ve heard all evening.

Suppose I say we blow this wingding and stop at a speako for a bottle of beer.

Suppose I say you’ve had one too many snoutfuls if you think I’d fall for a chisel like that.

Suppose I say let’s stop by my place, I’ll peel off this tuxedo, and we’ll roll a few lines at the bowling alley.

Suppose I say where did you learn to sweet talk, from a correspondence course?

Suppose I say I wonder if you’re giving me the kibosh?

Suppose I say I’ll let you know after I finish this glass of giggle.

Suppose I say I’m going to park a honey cooler on those lips 0f yours?

Suppose I say try it and I’ll ram this gobble-pipe up your schnozzle!

Suppose I say remind me never to get dizzy with a dame who is holding a saxophone.

Suppose I say that’s the smartest thing you’ve said all night. Hey, I had you pegged all wrong, maybe you’re not a flopperoo after all.

Hey listen, muffin, let’s get another glass of rot gut, put on a keen platter and jolly up!

Murder! Now you’re talkin’ mister!

Until next time . . . I love you

Flipping Through A 1953 Magazine

August 23, 2013August 23, 2013 Linda Vernon 1950's, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds comedy, EveryWoman's Magazine 1953, humor, Humorous 1953 ads, humorous commentary, humour, Libby's tomato sauce 1953

Welcome to Friday, Dear Readers! And on Fridays this blog takes some time off from goofing off to pursue more leisurely pursuits like flipping through old magazines.

And to that end, here’s a magazine from 1953 I found stuck between two cookbooks at the Thrift store yesterday:

Isn't it wonderful? — **Isn’t it wonderful?**

Come on, let’s look inside:

Is it just me or is this little guy wearing a saucer on his head?

1953 Heinz Baby Food ad — **The aliens have landed and you’ll never guess where!**

This says: “Every Woman is Beautiful Thru Pregnancy”

Uh . . . not in this outfit she isn’t.

1953 magazine humorous commentary, Linda Vernon Humor — **Gosh! When did my hair get so ugly.**

The note at the top of this page says: Painted for the Green Giant Company by Norman Rockwell.

Just think! In 1953 you could still hire Norman Rockwell to illustrate your ad!

Uh . . . judging from the color of their complexions, I think it might be a good idea for them to lay off the Libby’s Tomato Juice for a while.

Something in me longs for the days when gunning down Mother if she didn’t fix her children a snack of canned meat that had been “deviled” was considered wholesome fun!

1953 Ad for Underwod Deviled Ham — **Haha! Now be sure not to riddle me with bullets until *after* I’ve prepared your snack, you little rascals!”**

While big brothers are chasing little sister (who has a a 35-year-old woman’s face) so that they can lasso her around her neck (good luck with finding her neck), the important thing here is that they won’t scuff the floors thanks to Simoniz self-polishing floor wax!

Well, Dear Readers, my scanning elbow is starting to act up again so we’ll quit for today, but I hope you enjoyed this little romp back to 1953!

Until next time . . . I love you

Sports Illustrated Brings Us 1963

June 20, 2013 Linda Vernon Flipping Through Vintage Magazines, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds 1963 Sports Ilustrated, Daisy BB Gun indoor range, funny, humor, humorous commentary, Jack Nicklaus, Kent Cigarette Ad, MacGregor Golf Clubs, Vintage magazine humorous commentary, vintage Sports Illustrated Magazine 1963

Oh Dear Readers! Look what crossed my path yesterday at the used bookstore!

Here’s 1963, Master’s Champion Jack Nicklaus singing the praises of the MacGregor Woods with their exclusive penetrating impregnation method! Wow! Now that’s impressive!

Hey! Who doesn’t want to live in a world where shirts were only $5.00 raise your hand!

Don’t Worry Honey! Kent’s Micronite Filter makes cigarettes good for you!

Question! What’s more fun than shooting guns with daddy? Shooting guns with daddy in the house! What else?

Now then wasn’t that fun? I hope you liked our little foray into the world of 1963, Dear Readers!

Until next time . . . I love you

Brain Dead Mom Through the Decades

May 30, 2013May 30, 2013 Linda Vernon 1950's, 1960's decor, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds Brain Dead Moms Through the Decades, funny, humor, humorous, humorous vintage cookbook commentary, humour, laughing at vintage cookbooks, vintage cookbooks

Hello Dear Readers! What shall we do today? Hm . . . Oh I know! Let’s look at how Moms have been portrayed as Brain Dead through the decades. As it just so happens, I found a few vintage cookbooks that we can use to contrast and compare.

Brain Dead Mom from 1937

Brain Dead Moms of Vintage Cookbooks — Poor Brain Dead Mom from 1937! It looks like she might have infused just a tad too much personality into her baked goods. So much so that they are now holding her hostage. And is her shadow sprouting a horn? Oh my! But somehow Brave Brain Dead Mom of 1937 still manages to smile even though she can’t quite hide the terror in those vacant peepers of hers.

Brain Dead Mom from 1953:

Brain Dead Mom trough the ages — Ah! Brain Dead Mom from 1953 is clearly relieved and happy now. The War is over! Hitler’s dead! And, judging from her eyes, her doctor just prescribed a lifetime supply of Seconal for her anxiety as well as Benzedrine to be taken every ten minutes to ensure her waist circumference stays at 11-and-1/2-inches. Which gives Brain Dead Mom from 1953 lots and lots of energy so she can dedicate her entire existence to *cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking . .* .

Brain Dead Mom from 1959

Brain Dead Mom through the ages — Brain Dead Mom from 1959 has her act together! No more cowering in the horn-sprouting shadows from her baked goods. No more mindless cooking and cooking and cooking. No sir! When one gazes into the eyes of Brain Dead Mom from 1959, one can clearly detect a Valium-induced, vague optimism for the future of her country, the future of her family and the future of her green pepper. Clearly Brain Dead Mom of 1959 is a more confident women than her predecessors. Why? Because she doesn’t know any better, that’s why!

Brain Dead Mom From 1965

The Cook Book of glorious Eating for Weight Watchers — A Ring a ding ding, Baby! Brain Dead Mom from 1965 has it all going on! She doesn’t even have to open her eyes anymore! Oh sure she’s still popping a few “bennies” now and then, but come on! How else is she going to maintain her 11- and-1/2-inch waist what with all the food she’s been eating and all those martinis she’s been swilling with her new devil-may-care attitude? Brain Dead Mom from 1965 would never cower from her own baking! Ha ha! Don’t make her laugh! Because Brain Dead Mom from 1965 has a life! She’s fancy! She’s frivolous! She’s fun! And somewhere along the line she learned to play the triangle!

I have a feeling there are lots and lots of other examples of Brain Dead Moms Through the Decades out there on the shelves of my favorite thrift store! And I make this pledge to you, Dear Readers, that I will not rest until I have messed up everything on the shelf looking for them!

Until next time . . . I love you

Say, Speaking of Licking Honey Off Pencils . . .

May 9, 2013 Linda Vernon Pets, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds CA Home+Deisgn Magazine, comedy laughs, getting honey on your fingers, humor, humorous commentary, humour, looking for UFO's, my dog is a toupee in training

Hello Dear Readers. Here’s what I did yesterday:

I got up out of bed (I would have sprung up out of bed but that particular spring is on the fritz.) Stumbled to the three C’s — Coffee, Computer, and Ceyboard. Stared out the window for a while but didn’t see any UFO’s. Wrote a post.

Took my little dog/toupee, Cha, for a walk around the neighborhood while keeping a lookout for UFO’s. Still didn’t see any.

my dog chauncey Linda Vernon Humor — Toupee in Training

Went to the Spaghetti Factory for lunch with the family. After that we went to park across the street. Didn’t see any UFO’s there either. (I think they’re deliberately avoiding me.)

Went to a couple of thrift stores. And that’s when I spotted the UFO! (Not really — just trying to drum up a little excitement. Note to self: get new drum.)

But while I was there I did come across this “Cool and Collected” magazine:

CA home + design Magazine humorous commentary Linda Vernon Humor — It’s so cool and collected it doesn’t feel the need to tell you what it’s about.

Let’s see if we can glean what “ca HOME +DESIGN” is about by the hints on the cover shall we?

Let’s see . . . maybe it’s about a man who enjoys wearing a 1945 Movie Theater Usher’s uniform while relaxing in his trendy, cement home that also doubles as a trendy nuclear fallout shelter and/or bank vault.

And it also looks like maybe 1945 Theater Usher Man put too much honey on his toast this morning and got honey all over his fingers and then reached into his pencil box and got honey all over his pencils too –getting everything hopelessly suck together and — at that exact moment– the photographers showed up to photograph 1945 Theater Usher Man’s trendy cement home.

Naturally he had no choice but to throw the whole sticky mess on the coffee table hoping to pass them off as “art” which the photographers obviously fell for hook, line and sinker!

ca art design magazine humorous commentary — Oh that 1945 Theater Usher Man is such a stinker! A trendy, artistic stinker, but a stinker all the same.

And by the look on 1945 Theater Usher Man’s face, you can just tell he is eagerly anticipating licking the honey off those pencils the second the photographers leave.

ca home design magazine humorous commentary — “Mmmmmmm . . . honey . . . .”

1945 Theater Usher Man is also hiding his hands behind his back either because 1) he doesn’t want anyone to notice their covered with honey or because 2) he’s hiding the fact that he’s honey-glued himself to the wall.

ca design home magazine humorous commentary Linda Vernon Humor — “La la la la la la la . . . no, I’m not stuck to the wall, why?”

Oh that 1945 Theater Usher Man may be a stinker, but he’s nobody’s fool!

Well I’m sure there a many more fun pages to discuss in this magazine, Dear Readers, but I have to go find my camera now. . . I think I just saw a UFO outside the window. Either that or I need to wash them. Either way I bid you adieu.

Until next time . . . I love you

Recipes for People Who Are all Dead Now

March 27, 2013March 27, 2013 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds comedy, funny cookbooks, funny food, funny gelatin recipes, humor, humorous, humour

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to the first installment of:

Recipes for People Who Are All Dead Now

Knox Cookbook from 1969 Linda Vernon Humor — It wasn’t easy making Knox Gelatin. Just ask anybody who was born before 1925! So, why not combine the newfangled invention of the television with gelatin recipes for people who are all dead now and put it into a book? Apparently somebody at the Knox Gelatin Company didn’t realize the question was rhetorical.

Back in 1969, there were a lot of old people still alive who actually ate things like tomato aspic, jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf salad.

Unfortunately, all those people are dead now. Taking with them to the grave — every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin.

But don’t feel bad once way or the other, Dear Readers, because through the pages of this slightly bizarre Knox On-Camera Recipe Book from 1969, we will examine in great detail (probably too much) some of the Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be.

Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s food history.

The Knox On-Camera Recipes book begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into preparing recipes for people who are all dead now.

Until next time . . . I love you

1967 Foods of the Cold War

March 20, 2013March 20, 2013 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds cold war casseroles, comedy, funny, funny food, humor, humorous, humour, John F. Kennedy, Nikita Krushchev, spies, the cold war, vintage cookbook recipes

Hello Dear Readers! Once again it’s time to stumble down memory lane via the pages of this vintage cookbook which was written during the height of the cold war. (Not to be confused with the height of the cold cut.)

Linda Vernon Humor Cookbook from the Cold War — This cookbook was written during the height of the cold war. The cold war was a war that was waged by the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. Each side made a lot of atomic bombs and then pretended they were going to blow each other up. Spies figured prominently in the cold war. Their jobs were to wonder around the world with tiny cameras taking pictures of people who didn’t know they were getting their pictures taken to find out who was going to threaten whom next. Everybody was sad when the cold war ended because movies about spies got a lot suckier after that.

Below is a dish that is innocently called Cucumber Tongue Pie; but if you were a cold war spy, and you were served this dish, you’d know right away the server was actually saying:

Ve Have Vays of Making You Talk Casserole!

cucumber tongue pie funny food Linda Vernon Humor — “. . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . “

I know it seems cruel and inhumane from today’s standpoint, but during the cold war, both sides actually practiced this horrendous casserole form of torture. Spies had to spill the beans or eat the entire stomach-turning entree. Did this form of torture work? Well, let’s just say not a single bean went unspilled.

Next we have a dish you’re sure to get a bang out of. It’s called jeweled chicken to us laymen. But any spy worth his weight in invisible ink during the cold war would have known immediately upon being served this dish that his days were numbered (maybe even his minutes) because in the spy world, this dish was really called:

Which Spy Will Die Russian Roulette Fry

Secret Spy Recipes from 1967 Linda Vernon Humor — Round and round and round she goes and where she stops nobody knows!

No other dish could make the cold war spy’s blood run cold faster than a platter of “Which Spy Will Die Russian Roulette Fry.” This entree would be placed in the middle of the banquet table and then given a good spin by either John F. Kennedy or Nikita Khrushchev and whomever had a chicken leg pointing at them when it stopped spinning would be eliminated poi-manently!

And, finally, Dear Readers, the following dish was the dish to end all dishes, and had world leaders shaking in their cold war boots — praying that it would never be served. Civilians such as you and I would have known this dish simply by it’s innocent name, Chicken-in-Omelet Pinwheel. But to the cold war powers that be it could mean only one thing:

The Mushroom Cloud Duck and Cover Roll

The mushroom duck and cover roll Linda Vernon Humor — “OMG! Noooo! Please tell us those aren’t six mushroom clouds signaling the annihilation of all six continents (if you count north and south America as one continent) with California breaking off into the sea?”
“Yes it does signal exactly that!”
“We told you not to tell us that.”
“Sorry we couldn’t help ourselves because we hate the United States of America!”
“Who cares, we hate the Soviet Union more!”

We can only breath a sigh of relief, Dear Readers, that such a dish was never served to the Cold War Players. Not only would it have meant the end of the world as they knew it, it would have also meant that somebody might have had to actually take a bite out of it.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a little stumble back in time via vintage cookbooks of yore.

Until next time . . . I love you

Let’s Take Hump Day Off to Browse Through Old Magazines

February 13, 2013 Linda Vernon Slighty Creepy Seventies, Thrift Store Finds 1975 Better Homes and Gardens, Ayds, comedy, Ernest and Gallo wine, funny, humor, humour, hump day, Peter Ustinov, rug sewing, Silver & Silk hair dye

Hello Dear Readers. Today is hump day. Don’t you hate the word hump day? It’s just ugly and stupid. I’m never going to use it again. Okay just one more time, hump day. Okay, that’s it. It will never appear here again.

So in honor of the most notoriously ho-hum day of the week, (you-know-what day), I will not be using any exclamation points in today’s post. In fact, I won’t be writing anything at all. I’m just going to take the day off to thumb though this 1975 Better Homes and Gardens. Grab your coffee and join me, won’t you?

Back in 1975, when there wasn’t much to do, women could often be found sitting on the floor sewing carpet pieces together. Of course, this was before Women’s Lib really took hold. After that, women gave up sewing carpets pieces together at home, and went and got careers at carpet factories where they got paid $1.60 an hour to sew carpet pieces together for other women who didn’t know about women’s lib yet..

Here’s something not very interesting

Here’s Peter Ustinov. In 1975, Peter Ustinov was a Public Personality which is how they referred to what we call celebrities today. Public Personalities were semi-well-known for a couple of parts in big movies but spent the majority of their careers appearing on talk shows or game shows or hawking Ernest and Julio wine in national magazines. Peter Ustinov also wrote his memoirs which I actually remember reading — which should tell you how boring my life was in 1975.

Don’t feel bad if you only look 35, our product can make you look 70!

“Hey I’ve got a great idea, JB. You know how women are always dyeing their hair to get rid of gray?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, we’ll do the ol’ switcheroo and make a product that will turn their regular color hair gray!”

“But women who have natural blonde hair will never buy it.

“Oh yes they will because from now on we’ll say their blonde hair is just an unwanted yellow tinge, and that they need to get rid of it by dying it gray.
“You mean take a group of women who have natural blonde hair, have them dye it gray thus making them look like fabulous 70-year-old grandmothers instead of what they really are which is 35-year-old models?”
“Yes that’s it exactly!
“Let’s do it!”

Hey here’s an ad about losing weight with Ayds

In 1975, a woman was supposed to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and still look sexy for her man! (Nobody knew what the men were supposed to be doing.) Enter Shirley Badders. Even though Shirley gave birth to five children, her biggest accomplishment was losing the 63 pounds she put on in the process. And now look at her! The ad boasts that she’s not only poised and clothes conscious, she’s even articulate! (Apparently her tongue isn’t as chubby). Let’s face it, aside from sporting the ugliest leotard ever conceived, Shirley’s a knockout! And how did she do it? She got Ayds. No not the sickness with an “i” but the candy, with a “y”. My oh my, how the world has changed since 1975.

People in 1975 laughed easier than they do now

Back in 1975, people laughed a lot easier than they do now. Take this hysterical dog owner. Oh. she just knew her dog wasn’t going to like new, improved Gainsburgers. Why? Because she’s been eating a steady diet of old, unimproved Gainsburgers since they came on the market, and her dog wouldn’t even eat the scraps leftover from the Gainsburgers she prepared for herself — and she added cheese! So you can see how the joke was on her! P.S. Don’t you think she’d look a lot better if she dyed her hair gray? But then again she’s probably eating Gainsburgers in heaven by now, so I guess it’s a moot point.

There now. Well that was a fun day off. Maybe we’ll have to flip through old magazines again next week on Harrumph Day . . .

Until next time . . . I love you

How to Be A Successful Gluey Paste Salesman in Ten (or maybe eleven) Easy Steps!

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Brain Dead Mom from 1937

Brain Dead Mom from 1953:

Brain Dead Mom from 1959

Brain Dead Mom From 1965

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Ve Have Vays of Making You Talk Casserole!

Which Spy Will Die Russian Roulette Fry

The Mushroom Cloud Duck and Cover Roll

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