Recipes for People Who Are all Dead Now

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to today’s blog where we will be talking about recipes for people who are all dead now.

Back in 1969, there were a lot of people in the world who liked eating Tomato Aspic, Jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf Salad. Unfortunately all those people are dead now —  taking with them to the grave every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin.  But don’t worry, through the pages of this bizarre cookbook entitled Knox On-Camera Recipes, we will examine in great detail some Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be.  Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s history.

 

Knox Gelatin On-Camera Recipes from 1969:

Knox Cookbook from 1969 Linda Vernon Humor

 

The Knox On-Camera Recipes cookbook begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin which are as follows:

The Simple Gel

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
This delightful red brick is an example of a simple gel.  Mix Knox Gelatin with your favorite liquid and lay it  atop (gently now!) a type of lettuce that is probably extinct now.  Slice a cucumber for charm and casually toss some olives (blindfolded) for that devil-may-care appeal.  The only thing left to do now is wander the streets looking for a person in the 110 year-old age group to eat it.

Gelatin Whip

Knox On camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
This is an example of a gelatin whip.  Which means after you make a brick of gelatin (see above) it is whipped (by whom and with what is omitted information — a 110-year-old with a cane, perhaps?) until light and fluffy causing it to become far more appealing than an aspic; but far less appealing than anything people who are all dead now could get at the ice cream parlor.

Unflavored Gelatin Snow

Knox on Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
Here’s an example of unflavored gelatin snow.  It doesn’t look very much like snow or at least not very much like snow you would want to put in your mouth.  But nevertheless, gelatin snow it is!! This mixture is also whipped until light and fluffy and/or to teach it a good lesson whichever came first.

Lemon Chiffon Pie

Knox Gelatin On Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
In an effort to include something actually edible into the five types of gelatin, Knox came up with Lemon Chiffon Pie.  First it’s chilled then whipped then partially chilled yadda yadda yadda, who cares anymore.

Mousse

Knox on Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
Well this is a good one to end up with Mousse. (I know your name’s not Mousse, I just forgot the comma).  Mousse happens when a solid ingredient is added into a not-so-solid ingredient either on purpose or by mistake.  This was a favorite of people who are all dead now because there’s no whipping involved which means Gramps didn’t have to get out his cane, yet again!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into learning about recipes for people who are all dead now. 

Until next time  . . . I love you

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
All dead now.

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

Welcome Dear Reader!  Well,  guess what?  The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.

 The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.

These are Noodles!
“No!  You’re not listening. These here . . . the ones I’m touching, these long skinny things are called noodles. And the noodles go here, where  my index finger is tapping.  My index finger is the finger you would use  if you wanted  to point at something.”

 Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:

The Patronizing Noodle Lady, Linda Vernon Humor

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

Today the Patronizing Noodle Lady will set us straight about How to Use Spices by reviewing with us this booklet from the 1958 American Spice Association, a pamphlet written by none other than the The Patronizing Noodle Lady!

Deemed the most condescending "How-to" of 1958!
Deemed the most wonderfully condescending “How-to” Pamphlet  of 1958 by the National Association of Professional Patronizers!

What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!

Paragraph one - How to use spices

Patronizing Noodle Lady please rest assured that even though our interest in spices developed somewhere  . . . somehow . . . we had absolutely no idea what  was going on and just totally lucked into whatever interest we’ve shown.  We  were more than likely hallucinating when we saw ourselves as truly glamorous cooks!

Paragraph two

Believe us when we tell you, Noodle Lady,  that there is absolutely no “mysterious” and difficult feeling we’ve ever had (with the possible exception of getting sucked into a jet engine or falling into a pit of snakes) that is worse than not handling each spice correctly!

Paragraph hot

Patronizing Noodle Lady you must believe us when we say that we have been trying our whole lives not to confuse the word “spice” with the word “hot’  but it’s just so difficult.  We’re always getting them mixed up which is probably why Aunt Martha died from that stomach ache we tried to help her with last week when we suggest she add four pounds of cayenne pepper to her oatmeal.  Darn!  That’s what we get for guessing!

feel free to experiment

Patronizing Noodle Lady!  Please!  Tamper with the basic ingredients!  We would never dream of such a thing even if it is according to the dictates of our own imaginations. (As you have so generously allowed us!  Thank you btw!)  In fact, we will be happy to swear on a stack of cookbooks that we will never — under any circumstances — tamper with basic ingredients or we will swallow an entire tin of cinnamon with an Oregano chaser so help us Julia Child!

feel free

Relax?  How can we relax with all this pressure we’re under.  You wouldn’t happen to have any spices that would help us relax would you Patronizing Noodle Lady?  Oh and just one quick question:  Do we have to have a college degree to become an expert in the use of spices?

college degree

Alright!!! If we start right now using spices with only our high school diplomas, how long will it be before spices will not have any secrets from us?   . . . Hello?  Patronizing Noodle Lady?  Did you hear us?  Patronizing Noodle Lady?

Well, Dear Readers, it looks like the Patronizing Noodle Lady has quit answering us because she no doubt has more important people to see and better blogs to visit. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come back soon as there are plenty of things we still need to be set straight on.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Edible Horror of 1959

Hello Dear Readers! 

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly,  we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you’ve been warned!

 

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

 

Looks innocent?  Look again!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten.

 

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness!  What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

 

And in another equally unsettling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup!  Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour!  Oh the vegumanity!

 

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of said pie.  Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day.

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family cannibalism!

Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Stawberry!  We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains.  I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you!  But you were warned!

If it’s any consolation

Until next time . . . I love you

A Visit from the Patronizing Noodle Lady

Welcome Dear Reader!  Well,  guess what?  The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.

 The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.

These are Noodles!
“No!  You’re not listening. These here . . . the ones I’m touching, these long skinny things are called noodles. And the noodles go here, where  my index finger is tapping.  My index finger is the finger you would use  if you wanted  to point at something.

 Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:

The Patronizing Noodle Lady, Linda Vernon Humor

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

Today the Patronizing Noodle Lady will set us straight about How to Use Spices by reviewing with us this booklet from the 1958 American Spice Association, a pamphlet written by none other than the The Patronizing Noodle Lady!

Deemed the most condescending "How-to" of 1958!
Deemed the most wonderfully condescending “How-to” Pamphlet  of 1958 by the National Association of Professional Patronizers!

What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!

Paragraph one - How to use spices

Patronizing Noodle Lady please rest assured that even though our interest in spices developed somewhere  . . . somehow . . . we had absolutely no idea what  was going on and just totally lucked into whatever interest we’ve shown.  We  were more than likely hallucinating when we saw ourselves as truly glamorous cooks!

Paragraph two

Believe us when we tell you, Noodle Lady,  that there is absolutely no “mysterious” and difficult feeling we’ve ever had (with the possible exception of getting sucked into a jet engine or falling into a pit of snakes) that is worse than not handling each spice correctly!

Paragraph  hot

Patronizing Noodle Lady you must believe us when we say that we have been trying our whole lives not to confuse the word “spice” with the word “hot’  but it’s just so difficult.  We’re always getting them mixed up which is probably why Aunt Martha died from that stomach ache we tried to help her with last week when we suggest she add four pounds of cayenne pepper to her oatmeal.  Darn!  That’s what we get for guessing!

feel free to experiment

Patronizing Noodle Lady!  Please!  Tamper with the basic ingredients!  We would never dream of such a thing even if it is according to the dictates of our own imaginations. (As you have so generously allowed us!  Thank you btw!)  In fact, we will be happy to swear on a stack of cookbooks that we will never — under any circumstances — tamper with basic ingredients or we will swallow an entire tin of cinnamon with an Oregano chaser so help us Julia Child!

feel free

Relax?  How can we relax with all this pressure we’re under.  You wouldn’t happen to have any spices that would help us relax would you Patronizing Noodle Lady?  Oh and just one quick question:  Do we have to have a college degree to become an expert in the use of spices?

college degree

Alright!!! If we start right now using spices with only our high school diplomas, how long will it be before spices will not have any secrets from us?   . . . Hello?  Patronizing Noodle Lady?  Did you hear us?  Patronizing Noodle Lady?

Well, Dear Readers, it looks like the Patronizing Noodle Lady has quit answering us because she no doubt has more important people to see and better blogs to visit. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come back soon as there are plenty of things we still need to be set straight on.

Until next time . . . I love you

Ten Signs You Overdid Thanksgiving!

Welcome Dear Readers!! First I want to thank you all for  the lovely comments you’ve been kind enough to leave on my blog this past week.  I haven’t had a chance to respond to them as yet as I  have two new grand babies staying over Thanksgiving, and I have to get my adorable fix in while the gettin’s good! 

Now for today’s post:

Ten Signs You Overdid Thanksgiving

It’s been a couple of days since you’ve seen any of your pets.

The only thing you own that fits comfortably now is your trampoline.

You’ve worn your teeth down to such a degree that now they can only be described as “implied.”

You’re experiencing eater’s remorse over not taking the pies out of the pans before scarfing them down.

It’s official!  As of this morning, you are now storing the leftovers for every refrigerator within walking distance in your very own stomach.

You have to use sign language when you want to communicate because your tongue collapsed from exhaustion.

You cried yourself to sleep last night because you fear there may never again be room for Jello.

You have decided to replace the lion in your family crest with the more appropriate symbolism of the fatest person on earth.

You can now go through the rest of your life secure in the knowledge that nothing is too big for you to swallow.

And the Number One sign you ate too much at Thanksgiving Dinner:

Instead of crying tears of joy, you are now crying gravy of joy.

 

Until next time . . . I love you

The Sick, Edible Horror of 1959

Hello Dear Readers! 

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly,  we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you were warned!

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten . .

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness!  What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

And in another equally troubling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup!  Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour!  Oh the vegumanity!

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of a pie made out of itself!   Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day (except maybe in a few third world countries)!

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family Cannibalism!  Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Strawberry!  We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains.  I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you!  But you were warned!

Until next time . . . I love you

Recipes for People Who Are all Dead Now

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to the first installment of:

Recipes for People Who Are All Dead Now

Knox Cookbook from 1969 Linda Vernon Humor
It wasn’t easy making Knox Gelatin. Just ask anybody who was born before 1925!  So, why not combine the newfangled invention of the television with gelatin recipes for people who are all dead now and put it into a book?  Apparently somebody at the Knox Gelatin Company didn’t realize the question was rhetorical.

Back in 1969, there were a lot of old people still alive who actually ate things like tomato aspic, jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf salad.

Unfortunately, all those people are dead now. Taking with them to the grave — every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin.

But don’t feel bad once way or the other, Dear Readers, because through the pages of this slightly bizarre Knox On-Camera Recipe Book from 1969,  we will examine in great detail (probably too much) some of the Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be.

Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s food history.

The Knox On-Camera Recipes book begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin.

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
This delightful red brick is an example of a simple gel.  Mix Knox Gelatin with your favorite liquid and lay it  atop (gently now!) a type of lettuce that is probably extinct now.  Slice a cucumber for charm and casually toss some olives (blindfolded) for that devil-may-care appeal.  The only thing left to do now is wander the streets looking for a person in the 110 year-old age group to eat it.
Knox On camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
This is an example of a gelatin whip.  Which means after you make a brick of gelatin (see above) it is whipped (by whom and with what is omitted information — a 110-year-old with a cane, perhaps?) until light and fluffy causing it to become far more appealing than an aspic; but far less appealing than anything people who are all dead now could get at the ice cream parlor.
Knox on Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
Here’s an example of unflavored gelatin snow.  It doesn’t look very much like snow or at least not very much like snow you would want to put in your mouth.  But nevertheless, gelatin snow it is!! This mixture is also whipped until light and fluffy and/or to teach it a good lesson whichever comes first.
Knox Gelatin On Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
In an effort to include something actually edible into the five types of gelatin, Knox came up with Lemon Chiffon Pie.  First it’s chilled then whipped then partially chilled yadda yadda yadda, who cares anymore.
Knox on Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
Well this is a good one to end up with Mousse. (I know your name’s not Mousse, I just forgot the comma).  Mousse happens when a solid ingredient is added into a not-so-solid ingredient either on purpose or by mistake.  This was a favorite of people who are all dead now because there’s no whipping involved which means Gramps didn’t have to get out his cane, yet again!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into preparing recipes for people who are all dead now. 

Until next time  . . . I love you

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
All dead now.