Vintage Foods from Nineteen Eighty-ewww!

February 2, 2022 Linda Vernon Edible Tales 1982 cook book, A People's Friend Special, comedy, football shoulder pads, funny foods, humor, humour, Michael Jackson and E.T. The Ugly Eighties, vintage foods from 1982

Hello Dear Readers. Hey! Look what I found from 1982!

A People's Friend Special magazine Great Britian — In an effort to include everybody on the face of the earth, this 1982 Time Saver’s Cook Book bills itself as “A People’s Friend Special” with more than 300 money-stretching recipes not to be confused with more than 300 stomach-stretching recipes.

Today we are taking a little trip back in time to the year 1982. A time when it was considered attractive to wear football shoulder pads underneath all your dresses and a time when every wishbone wish in America was to wake up with cowlicks covering 90 percent of your head.

Funny-80s-haircut_01 — “Hey, How’d you get your hair to go so good?”
“I wished for cowlicks.”

Let’s take a closer look at the 80’s through the pages of A People’s Friend Special, Time Saver’s Cook Book and see what people considered edible back in 1982 or as it is sometimes referred to by Food Historians 198eww.

Super Waffles 198eww Style

Now here’s a real 80’s treat! Waffles covered with things that don’t go with waffles at all. Like tomatoes! And kidneys! And whatnot!

img562 (2) — The recipe says:
Sausage and Tomato and waffles . . .okay
Spicy Bacon and waffles . . . okay
Savory Kidney and waffles . . . uh well, I prefer *savory pancreas* on my waffles but maybe that’s just me.

Let’s take a closer look at the 198eww deliciousness:

Although this looks a bit suspicious, the recipe absolutely insists this is a waffle and not a shingle! Therefore, what is on it is not what you’re thinking is on it even though it looks exactly like what you’re thinking is on it.

But please don’t think about what’s on it anymore, Dear Readers, because you wouldn’t want to ruin your appetite for:

Whatever This Is

Here’s a chicken recipe that calls for Kellogg’s Bran Flakes. I know you’re probably thinking the same thing I am right now which is : K E Double L O Double Good! But let’s not be too hasty, Puddin’ (a little cookbook humor, hope you don’t mind) This 198eww recipe is called Crunchy Chicken. But whatever happens when you bite into it, try to remember above all else that it is ***supposed*** to be crunchy.

And finally our Pièce de résistance from 198eww:

Speghetti O *Noooooooooo!* Pie. Among other strange items, the recipe calls for one pound of puff pastry thawed. So at least it’s got thawed pastry going for it! The recipe also cries out for frankfurters, mushrooms and one beaten (within inches of its life I’ll bet) egg.

Unfortunately there is nothing in the ingredients that would account for the unidentified miscellaneous chunks floating around at large (and small). Well, we must remember that in the 198eww, absolutely nothing made sense. Even though we loved pretending it did!

And on that thought, I leave you with:

Until next time . . . I love you

Picture credits: Detox Zebra.com http://www.zebradetox.com/funny-pictures/extreme-80s-haircuts/

Michael Jackson and E.T.: The twilight zone of Google

Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism

March 24, 2020March 24, 2020 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, Existence and Stuff, Health and Beauty air fern, cave people, comedy, diet, eating air, food, Homo sapiens, humor, humour, Kentucky Fried Mammoth, metabolism, Metabolism Heaven, metabolism reached zilch, punching out early, sluggish metabolism

Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism

It’s Official! My Metabolism Has Finally Reached Zilch

My metabolism has slowed down so much lately that not only will I gain weight if I even look at a piece of cheesecake — so will the person standing next to me.

Metabolism Heaven

Some people complain of a sluggish metabolism. If I could get my metabolism up to sluggish, well . . . I’d be in metabolism heaven, that’s all.

I’ve Got a Metabolism That Punches Out at Noon

I’m starting to get the feeling my metabolism goes home early everyday. I think it’s getting bored with its job. And who could blame it, really. Talk about a backlog of work! Poor Dear.

I would imagine the piles of cheesecake in its In-Basket alone is enough to make even the most dedicated of metabolisms want to call in sick.

What’s a Food Consumer to Do?

Still, even though my heart goes out to my metabolism, it would be nice if it could step up the pace just a little. I’m doing my part by carefully monitoring what I eat. I read all the food labels and whatnot; but it isn’t easy finding a food whose first ingredient is air.

My Life as an Air Fern

I think Mother Nature rigged so it so a woman of my advanced years can live indefinitely on air to keep mankind from going extinct.

My Metabolism Theory

As far as I can tell, Our Family of Humans evolved so that Grandma could keep the cave clean, do all the cooking plus watch the grandkids without having to eat any actual food — which meant Yippee!! Extra helpings of Kentucky-Fried Mammoth for everyone! (Except you know who.)

Me and My Metabolism, Where Would Mankind Be Without Us?

So I suppose one could say, the more sluggish my metabolism, the more I am actually contributing to the survival of the human race. Each and every time I manage to push away a piece of cheesecake without eating it, I am sacrificing that piece of cheesecake for the global good of my fellow Homo sapiens — because now there is just that much more cheesecake for them to eat.

Thus ensuring the survival of our species.

Who knew something operating at zilch could be so noble?

Until next time . . . I love you

The Vegetable Lady Answers Some Questions

June 12, 2019 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine, The Vegetable Lady comedy, corn on the cob, flame juggler, humor, humour, humourous, lost at sea, sword swallowing, vegetable lady

Dear Readers! What a treat we have in store for us today! The Vegetable Lady has been kind enough to stop by the blog and answer some of our most pressing vegetable questions!

A picture of a lady with a big toothy Grin Linda Vernon Humor — The Vegetable Lady will answer some questions

Our first question, Vegetable Lady, comes to us from Reader, Phillip Flep, who asks: what is your favorite way to prepare tomatoes?

Tomatoes? Golly Jeepers whenever I think of tomatoes, I always think of Christmas because that’s when Daddy, before he got lost at sea, would bring in a big platter of tomatoes, graham crackers and chocolate and Mommy would set the Christmas tree on fire, and we’d make Smores!

Before Daddy bit into his, he would always say “If I never see you again I love you,” but Golly Jeepers! Mother and I could never figure out if he was talking to us or to the Smores.

This next question comes to us from Reader, Agamemnon Applebee, who asks: What’s the best way to get peas out of their pods?

Golly Jeepers it took Mother and I so long to figure that out! Right after Daddy got lost at sea, we were awfully impoverished, so we had to live off peas until Mother and I joined the circus.

Golly Jeepers! It wasn’t easy to figure out how to get peas out of their pods until one day Mother borrowed a microscope and found out there was a teeny-tiny zipper in each pod! Golly Jeepers! I finally had time to get back to my sword swallowing practice after we found that out!

Our last question comes from Reader, Toots Tubaleeno, who asks: What’s the best way to roast corn on the cob?

Well, after Mother and I joined the circus, Mother started roasting all our corn on the cob by positioning the cob between her teeth while performing her flame juggling routine! Golly Jeepers that was some good corn!

One night Mother set her beard on fire, which totally ruined her moonlighting job as the bearded lady in the freak show. But Golly Jeepers! Mother sure went out on a lot more dates after that.

So let’s get this straight, Vegetable Lady, you’re telling us that your father was lost at sea, you set your Christmas Tree on fire every year to roast tomato smores, your mother is a bearded flame juggler and you swallow swords in your spare time?

Golly Jeepers! When you put it that way it does sound a little strange. I forgot to explain that I never swallow swords that don’t have a carrot stuck to the end! Oh I’m so glad I remembered to add that! Golly Jeepers! You would have thought I was pretty weird!

Well thank you for answering some questions for us today Vegetable Lady!

Golly Jeepers! You’re welcome!

* * *

Until next time, I love you

Recipes for People Who Are all Dead Now

April 16, 2019April 16, 2019 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds 1969, comedy, funny cookbooks, funny food, funny gelatin recipes, gelatin whip, humor, humorous, humour, jello recipes from 1969, Knox Gelatin Recipes, lemon chiffon Pie, mousse, On-Camera Knox Gelatin Recipes, people who are dead, unflavored gelatin snow, vintage cookbooks, vintage recipes, whipped by cane recipes

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to today’s blog where we will be talking about recipes for people who are all dead now.

Back in 1969, there were a lot of people in the world who liked eating Tomato Aspic, Jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf Salad. Unfortunately all those people are dead now — taking with them to the grave every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin. But don’t worry, through the pages of this bizarre cookbook entitled Knox On-Camera Recipes, we will examine in great detail some Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be. Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s history.

Knox Gelatin On-Camera Recipes from 1969:

The Knox On-Camera Recipes cookbook begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin which are as follows:

The Simple Gel

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor — This delightful red brick is an example of a simple gel. Mix Knox Gelatin with your favorite liquid and lay it atop (gently now!) a type of lettuce that is probably extinct now. Slice a cucumber for charm and casually toss some olives (blindfolded) for that devil-may-care appeal. The only thing left to do now is wander the streets looking for a person in the 110 year-old age group to eat it.

Gelatin Whip

Unflavored Gelatin Snow

Lemon Chiffon Pie

Knox Gelatin On Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor — In an effort to include something actually edible into the five types of gelatin, Knox came up with Lemon Chiffon Pie. First it’s chilled then whipped then partially chilled yadda yadda yadda, who cares anymore.

Mousse

And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into learning about recipes for people who are all dead now.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

April 1, 2019 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine 1958 American Spice Trade Association, annoying people, how to use spices, humor, humorous, humour, Patronizing Noodle Lady, spice secrets, Spices, vintage cookbooks

Welcome Dear Reader! Well, guess what? The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.

The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.

These are Noodles! — “No! You’re not listening. These here . . . the ones I’m touching, these long skinny things are called *noodles*. And the *noodles* go here, where my index finger is tapping. My index finger is the finger you would use if you wanted to *point at something.”*

Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

Today the Patronizing Noodle Lady will set us straight about How to Use Spices by reviewing with us this booklet from the 1958 American Spice Association, a pamphlet written by none other than the The Patronizing Noodle Lady!

Deemed the most condescending "How-to" of 1958! — **Deemed the most wonderfully condescending “How-to” Pamphlet of 1958 by the National Association of Professional Patronizers!**

What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!

Patronizing Noodle Lady please rest assured that even though our interest in spices developed somewhere . . . somehow . . . we had absolutely no idea what was going on and just totally lucked into whatever interest we’ve shown. We were more than likely hallucinating when we saw ourselves as truly glamorous cooks!

Believe us when we tell you, Noodle Lady, that there is absolutely no “mysterious” and difficult feeling we’ve ever had (with the possible exception of getting sucked into a jet engine or falling into a pit of snakes) that is worse than not handling each spice correctly!

Patronizing Noodle Lady you must believe us when we say that we have been trying our whole lives not to confuse the word “spice” with the word “hot’ but it’s just so difficult. We’re always getting them mixed up which is probably why Aunt Martha died from that stomach ache we tried to help her with last week when we suggest she add four pounds of cayenne pepper to her oatmeal. Darn! That’s what we get for guessing!

Patronizing Noodle Lady! Please! Tamper with the basic ingredients! We would never dream of such a thing even if it is according to the dictates of our own imaginations. (As you have so generously allowed us! Thank you btw!) In fact, we will be happy to swear on a stack of cookbooks that we will never — under any circumstances — tamper with basic ingredients or we will swallow an entire tin of cinnamon with an Oregano chaser so help us Julia Child!

Relax? How can we relax with all this pressure we’re under. You wouldn’t happen to have any spices that would help us relax would you Patronizing Noodle Lady? Oh and just one quick question: Do we have to have a college degree to become an expert in the use of spices?

Alright!!! If we start right now using spices with only our high school diplomas, how long will it be before spices will not have any secrets from us? . . . Hello? Patronizing Noodle Lady? Did you hear us? Patronizing Noodle Lady?

Well, Dear Readers, it looks like the Patronizing Noodle Lady has quit answering us because she no doubt has more important people to see and better blogs to visit. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come back soon as there are plenty of things we still need to be set straight on.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Edible Horror of 1959

March 11, 2019 Linda Vernon 1950's, Edible Tales comedy, edible horrors of the past, food humor, funny, humor, humorous food from 1959, humour

Hello Dear Readers!

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly, we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you’ve been warned!

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

Looks innocent? Look again!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten.

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness! What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

And in another equally unsettling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup! Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour! Oh the vegumanity!

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of said pie. Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day.

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family cannibalism!

Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Stawberry! We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains. I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you! But you were warned!

If it’s any consolation

Until next time . . . I love you

A Visit from the Patronizing Noodle Lady

February 16, 2014February 16, 2014 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine 1958 American Spice Trade Association, annoying people, how to use spices, humor, humorous, humour, Patronizing Noodle Lady, spice secrets, Spices, vintage cookbooks

Welcome Dear Reader! Well, guess what? The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.

The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.

Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!

Until next time . . . I love you

Ten Signs You Overdid Thanksgiving!

November 30, 2013February 9, 2014 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine, Who am I? comedy, eating too much, full from turky, funny, humor, humorous, humour, Thanksgiving overeating, Thanksgiving stuffed, turkey leftovers

Welcome Dear Readers!! First I want to thank you all for the lovely comments you’ve been kind enough to leave on my blog this past week. I haven’t had a chance to respond to them as yet as I have two new grand babies staying over Thanksgiving, and I have to get my adorable fix in while the gettin’s good!

Now for today’s post:

Ten Signs You Overdid Thanksgiving

It’s been a couple of days since you’ve seen any of your pets.

The only thing you own that fits comfortably now is your trampoline.

You’ve worn your teeth down to such a degree that now they can only be described as “implied.”

You’re experiencing eater’s remorse over not taking the pies out of the pans before scarfing them down.

It’s official! As of this morning, you are now storing the leftovers for every refrigerator within walking distance in your very own stomach.

You have to use sign language when you want to communicate because your tongue collapsed from exhaustion.

You cried yourself to sleep last night because you fear there may never again be room for Jello.

You have decided to replace the lion in your family crest with the more appropriate symbolism of the fatest person on earth.

You can now go through the rest of your life secure in the knowledge that nothing is too big for you to swallow.

And the Number One sign you ate too much at Thanksgiving Dinner:

Instead of crying tears of joy, you are now crying gravy of joy.

Until next time . . . I love you

Recipes for People Who Are all Dead Now

March 27, 2013March 27, 2013 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds comedy, funny cookbooks, funny food, funny gelatin recipes, humor, humorous, humour

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to the first installment of:

Recipes for People Who Are All Dead Now

Knox Cookbook from 1969 Linda Vernon Humor — It wasn’t easy making Knox Gelatin. Just ask anybody who was born before 1925! So, why not combine the newfangled invention of the television with gelatin recipes for people who are all dead now and put it into a book? Apparently somebody at the Knox Gelatin Company didn’t realize the question was rhetorical.

Back in 1969, there were a lot of old people still alive who actually ate things like tomato aspic, jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf salad.

Unfortunately, all those people are dead now. Taking with them to the grave — every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin.

But don’t feel bad once way or the other, Dear Readers, because through the pages of this slightly bizarre Knox On-Camera Recipe Book from 1969, we will examine in great detail (probably too much) some of the Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be.

Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s food history.

The Knox On-Camera Recipes book begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into preparing recipes for people who are all dead now.

Until next time . . . I love you

1967 Foods of the Cold War

March 20, 2013March 20, 2013 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine, Thrift Store Finds cold war casseroles, comedy, funny, funny food, humor, humorous, humour, John F. Kennedy, Nikita Krushchev, spies, the cold war, vintage cookbook recipes

Hello Dear Readers! Once again it’s time to stumble down memory lane via the pages of this vintage cookbook which was written during the height of the cold war. (Not to be confused with the height of the cold cut.)

Linda Vernon Humor Cookbook from the Cold War — This cookbook was written during the height of the cold war. The cold war was a war that was waged by the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. Each side made a lot of atomic bombs and then pretended they were going to blow each other up. Spies figured prominently in the cold war. Their jobs were to wonder around the world with tiny cameras taking pictures of people who didn’t know they were getting their pictures taken to find out who was going to threaten whom next. Everybody was sad when the cold war ended because movies about spies got a lot suckier after that.

Below is a dish that is innocently called Cucumber Tongue Pie; but if you were a cold war spy, and you were served this dish, you’d know right away the server was actually saying:

Ve Have Vays of Making You Talk Casserole!

cucumber tongue pie funny food Linda Vernon Humor — “. . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . but . . . “

I know it seems cruel and inhumane from today’s standpoint, but during the cold war, both sides actually practiced this horrendous casserole form of torture. Spies had to spill the beans or eat the entire stomach-turning entree. Did this form of torture work? Well, let’s just say not a single bean went unspilled.

Next we have a dish you’re sure to get a bang out of. It’s called jeweled chicken to us laymen. But any spy worth his weight in invisible ink during the cold war would have known immediately upon being served this dish that his days were numbered (maybe even his minutes) because in the spy world, this dish was really called:

Which Spy Will Die Russian Roulette Fry

Secret Spy Recipes from 1967 Linda Vernon Humor — Round and round and round she goes and where she stops nobody knows!

No other dish could make the cold war spy’s blood run cold faster than a platter of “Which Spy Will Die Russian Roulette Fry.” This entree would be placed in the middle of the banquet table and then given a good spin by either John F. Kennedy or Nikita Khrushchev and whomever had a chicken leg pointing at them when it stopped spinning would be eliminated poi-manently!

And, finally, Dear Readers, the following dish was the dish to end all dishes, and had world leaders shaking in their cold war boots — praying that it would never be served. Civilians such as you and I would have known this dish simply by it’s innocent name, Chicken-in-Omelet Pinwheel. But to the cold war powers that be it could mean only one thing:

The Mushroom Cloud Duck and Cover Roll

The mushroom duck and cover roll Linda Vernon Humor — “OMG! Noooo! Please tell us those aren’t six mushroom clouds signaling the annihilation of all six continents (if you count north and south America as one continent) with California breaking off into the sea?”
“Yes it does signal exactly that!”
“We told you not to tell us that.”
“Sorry we couldn’t help ourselves because we hate the United States of America!”
“Who cares, we hate the Soviet Union more!”

We can only breath a sigh of relief, Dear Readers, that such a dish was never served to the Cold War Players. Not only would it have meant the end of the world as they knew it, it would have also meant that somebody might have had to actually take a bite out of it.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a little stumble back in time via vintage cookbooks of yore.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Vegetable Lady Answers Some Questions

March 7, 2013June 12, 2019 Linda Vernon Edible Tales, The Daily Routine, The Vegetable Lady comedy, corn on the cob, flame juggler, humor, humour, humourous, lost at sea, sword swallowing, vegetable lady