Welcome Dear Reader! Well, guess what? The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.
The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.
Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:
The Patronizing Noodle Lady
Today the Patronizing Noodle Lady will set us straight about How to Use Spices by reviewing with us this booklet from the 1958 American Spice Association, a pamphlet written by none other than the The Patronizing Noodle Lady!
What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!
Patronizing Noodle Lady please rest assured that even though our interest in spices developed somewhere . . . somehow . . . we had absolutely no idea what was going on and just totally lucked into whatever interest we’ve shown. We were more than likely hallucinating when we saw ourselves as truly glamorous cooks!
Believe us when we tell you, Noodle Lady, that there is absolutely no “mysterious” and difficult feeling we’ve ever had (with the possible exception of getting sucked into a jet engine or falling into a pit of snakes) that is worse than not handling each spice correctly!
Patronizing Noodle Lady you must believe us when we say that we have been trying our whole lives not to confuse the word “spice” with the word “hot’ but it’s just so difficult. We’re always getting them mixed up which is probably why Aunt Martha died from that stomach ache we tried to help her with last week when we suggest she add four pounds of cayenne pepper to her oatmeal. Darn! That’s what we get for guessing!
Patronizing Noodle Lady! Please! Tamper with the basic ingredients! We would never dream of such a thing even if it is according to the dictates of our own imaginations. (As you have so generously allowed us! Thank you btw!) In fact, we will be happy to swear on a stack of cookbooks that we will never — under any circumstances — tamper with basic ingredients or we will swallow an entire tin of cinnamon with an Oregano chaser so help us Julia Child!
Relax? How can we relax with all this pressure we’re under. You wouldn’t happen to have any spices that would help us relax would you Patronizing Noodle Lady? Oh and just one quick question: Do we have to have a college degree to become an expert in the use of spices?
Alright!!! If we start right now using spices with only our high school diplomas, how long will it be before spices will not have any secrets from us? . . . Hello? Patronizing Noodle Lady? Did you hear us? Patronizing Noodle Lady?
Well, Dear Readers, it looks like the Patronizing Noodle Lady has quit answering us because she no doubt has more important people to see and better blogs to visit. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come back soon as there are plenty of things we still need to be set straight on.
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Bah! Spices only really gained their mystery when the Colonel refused to tell us what was in his chicken.
You’re right Seb. And the sad fact is that when the Colonel died, he took the secret of his 11 different spices and herbs to the grave . . . oh wait a minute . . . just googled it. Nevermind.
Oh. but the Colonel isn’t dead…. that was the real secret of the herbs and spices!
What a wonderfully creepy idea. I would call it a finger lickin’ creepy idea but that would be completely inappropriate.
I just wonder what cooks did before the PNL? (Patronizing Noodle Lady) I mean, gosh darn it! Spices?? Who would have thunk it.
And spent all those years getting my masters degree in spices.
Oh boy! That’s got to be the biggest forehead slapper of your life!!
College degree? That settles it – when I grow up, I’m going to Bovine University!
Well that makes a lot of horse sense, Brain.
Oo-er! I’ve often tampered with basic ingredients. What will happen to me, Linda? Will you please ask Ms PNL when you next see her. I’m now really worried. 😦
What you tampered withbasic ingredients?? I’ll distract PNL while your run! Run! Sylvia! RUN!
I’m running!!!
I think after this Magnificent Opus, Patronizing Noodle Lady retreated to her desert island kitchen, and was not seen again until she returned triumphantly with her grey/green/brown food cookbooks of the 70s.
Yes! I think the only thing that can stop her now is a wooden stake through her Salisbury Steak recipe!
We’ve come to Patronizing Noodle Lady eh. Well tell her to come over to my place and try to whip something together for my kids. They will destroy her. But in the cutest way possible.
I’ve always thought this world would be a better place if more obnoxious people were destroyed by cuteness!
‘…spices have no secrets from the one who uses them…’ Interestingly, I tried speaking that line in the style of Barack Obama and it sounded completely believable.
Ha! I think you’re right. He’d not only make it sound believable, he’d also make it sound profound!
The title alone was the clincher – and that was before I even started reading. Great stuff.
Thank Mike. Thankfully there is only one Patronizing Noodle Lady . . . so far. 😀
I have a problem relaxing around spices–they’re just so damn intimidating. After reading this, I’m sure my wife will put tamper-proof seals on all our basic ingredients for her own safety.
I know what you mean. I was having Tarragon nightmares last night. I think I’ll have to get a tamper-proof seal for my basic ingredients too. I’d like to be able to sleep without the light on!
I love the people you and Peanuts create!
Ah! Thank you Addie. I sure have a lot of fun creating them!