Month: June 2014

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The 12 Disciples Coloring Book

Linda Vernon Coloring Pages, Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  This week Gregory was attending vacation bible school which is just like regular Sunday School only hotter and with a lot more coloring. Let’s see what Gregory got to color, shall we?

 Gregory Brings Home The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships.  Well this gave Jesus an idea! He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men!  So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples. 

So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited.  He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.

Simon

"Oops! Let me try it again. How about two out of three?"
“Okay, this one’s going right between his beady little eyes.  Oops!  How about two out of three?”

Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus.  He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.

Andrew

Andrew
“Nice to meet ya! Hey, don’t forget to grab a business card before you leave!”

Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six.  Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision.  Plus he had epically big guns!

Bartholomew

"Would you believe I only work out twice a week!"
“And I only work out twice a week!”

Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a  bestseller called “The Revelations”.

John

"Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Jesus?'
“Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that Jesus over there?’

Then there was John’s brother, James.  James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle.  James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.

James

"A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?"
“A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?”

Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James.  Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James.  He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.

James the Less

"Hey James the Lesser! Bring us some bread.""Not unless you call me Jimmy."
“Hey James the Less! Bring us some bread.”
“Not unless you call me Jimmy!”

Peter (or maybe Simon)

Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his  immovable faith.  And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all!  Duh!

Peter “The Rock” Simon

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle do know Jesus!"
Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle DO know Jesus!”

Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the  nail prints and two pieces ID.

Thomas

" . . . uh . . . .hmmm. . . uh"
“Well uh . . .hmm!”

Then there was Jude.  Not to be confused with Judas.  Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.

Jude

Jude
“And that’s why the chicken crossed the road? Hahaha! Get out! That’s hilarious!”

One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus.  He was a tax collector and was good with details.  Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”

Matthew

"Can you say that one more time only slower?"
“Can you say that one more time,  Jesus, only slower?”

And finally there was Judas.  Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids.  Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.

Judas

I'll repent just as soon as I'm done spending
I’ll repent the minute I get back from Las Bethlehemgas

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book!  Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Sodom and the Elephant in the Room

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories!

Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about how God’s  two angels visited Abraham’s nephew, Lot, in beautiful downtown Sodom. It’s based as loosely on Genesis: 19: 1-10 — if you’d like to follow along.

Gregory's Bible Stories Sodom and the Elephant in the Room

One day, the Lord decided to do some evil-people spring cleaning so he sent two of his right-hand angels to Sodom to destroy every man, woman and child who lived there.

When the angels got to the gates of Sodom,  Abraham’s favorite nephew, Lot, was waiting for them. As they approached, Lot jumped up and ran over to greet them by bowing down before them.

Lot:  Welcome Angels!!  Hope you didn’t have any trouble finding the place.  My wife’s got a big bowl of water ready so we can wash your feet. We know how much you angels love a good foot washing. And then my wife will prepare you a fabulous dinner.

Angel #1:  What’s she making?

Lot:  Tacos.

Angel #2:  Out of what kind of meat?

Lot:  Good question.  You know I never thought to ask.

Angel #1:  Oh. well in that case, thanks for the offer but we’ll just spend the night out in the open, here in the Sodom city square. I’m sure we’ll be fine.

Lot:  Listen Angels, I wouldn’t advise that.

Angel #2:  Why?

Lot:  I’ll spare you the gory details, but everyone who lives in Sodom is horribly depraved.

Angel#1:  Really, you mean they don’t always return their library books on time?

Lot:  It’s worse than that I’m afraid.

Angel #2:  You mean they sneak and eat the last piece of Angel food cake without asking first if the Lord wants it?

Lot:  Worse than that even.

Angel #1:  Gasp!

Angel #2:  Gasp! Choke! Gasp!

The angels fumbled around in their between-wing backpacks until they found their asthma inhalers.  Then they all sat down and rested awhile and got to know each other better.  They were in the middle of exchanging their funniest foot-washing stories when it started to get dark.

Lot:  Aha ha ha!   . . . and you thought the bowl of dirty foot water was the soup? . . . ahaha . . . oh you guys are killing me.  Ha ha ha!  Ahhhhh!  But hey it’s getting dark, angels, we better hasten to my house and bolt the door shut, move the dresser in front of it, roll a huge boulder in front of that and then get the elephant to shore it all up with his trunk.

Angel #1:  Sounds like somebody got a new home security system!

Lot:  Yeah and if anybody breaks in and rapes us, we get one month free!

Angel #1:  Wow!  That a great deal.

So Lot and the two angels high tailed it over to his house.  Lot’s wife and daughters had just finished preparing the tacos and were sitting in the corner busily perfecting their foot washing techniques on the elephant’s feet and marveling, once again,  at how handy it was to have an elephant around the house.

Sometime after dinner:

Angel #1:  Those were great tacos, Mrs. Lot.

Mrs. Lot:  Thank you, but I thought I used a little too much–

Angel #1:   Salt?

Mrs. Lot:   You thought so too.

Angel #2:  What kind of meat was that, anyway?

Mrs. Lot:  It was—

Before Mrs. Lot could answer, an angry mob began pounding on Lots door.  

Lot:  Who is it?

Angry Mob:  It’s us.  Sodom’s angry mob of men, young and old.

Lot:  What do you want?

Angry Mob:  We want you to send out the two angels so we can–

Lot:  Have them go with you to return your library books?

Angry Mob.  Yeah that’s it.

Lot:  Well I have two daughters who could help you with that.  They’re virgins and spend most of their time at the library, so they know the fastest way there.

Lot’s daughter:  Dad!  Stop it!  You’re embarrassing us!  We don’t want to help them return their library books!

Lot:  One more word out of you, young lady, and I wont’ let you clean up after the elephant anymore.

Lot’s Daughter:  Sorry dad.

Angry Mob:  We’re going to keep pounding on this door until you open it.

Lot:  What shall we do?

Angel #1 to Angel #2:  We could strike them all blind.

Angel #2 to Angel #1:  That’s a thought.

Lot:  Or you could strike all of us deaf, and then we couldn’t hear the pounding.

Mrs. Lot:  But then we couldn’t hear the elephant, if he needed us.

Lot:  Good point.

Angel #1:  We could strike them so they can’t taste or smell anything.

Lot’s Wife:  How about striking us so we can’t smell anything.

Angel #1:  Why?

Lot’s Wife:  If you have to ask, you’ve never lived with an elephant.

Angel #1:  Let’s just go with my original idea to strike all of them blind.

Lot:  Okay fine.  But they’re pounding on the door already.  Won’t they still know where the door is?

Angel #2:  Lot.

Lot:  Yes?

Angel #2:  I think I hear your elephant calling.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today. Be sure to check back next week when the angels destroy Sodom and Lot’s wife becomes a pillar in the community.

Until next time . . . I love you

One evening at Lot's House
One evening at Lot’s House

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abraham Pleads for Sodom

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about God’s plan to wipe out Sodom. This week’s lesson is based loosely on Genesis 18: 16-33 if you’d like to follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbraham Pleads for Sodom

One day three men came to visit Abraham.  Or at least they looked like three men to Abraham who was 99-years-old and hadn’t been able to find his cotton-pickin’ glasses since the dang deluge.

One of the men turned out to be The Lord, Himself,  who liked to travel  disguised as a man because He didn’t like getting stopped every ten minutes to pose to have his statue sculpted with hordes of Japanese tourists.

Anyway, Abraham and the three men went to a place where they could look down on Sodom. Some biblical scholars believe the place where Abraham and the three men went to look down on Sodom was on top of a hill where Abraham kept his collection of step ladders. (He was storing them for his friend Jacob.)

“But Lord, don’t you want to climb up on a ladder in order to look down on Sodom?”                                        “How can you even ask that, Abraham, when you know how I feel about heights?”

While Abraham and the Lord were looking down on Sodom, the Lord remarked to himself about what he planned to do regarding Sodom.  He said it so so quietly to Himself that only the bible could hear: “I will not hide from Abraham what I am going to do.  His descendant’s will become a great and mighty nation and through him I will bless all nations.”

Abraham:  Did you just say something, Lord?

The Lord:  I was just thinking about the sorry state of affairs in the city of Sodom, and that I may have to take some unpleasant action to remedy the situation.

Abraham:  I know! They really ruined that place when they cut down all the trees and put in all those one-way streets.

The Lord:  Yes something definitely has to be done, alright.

Abraham:  Are you’re going to make them plant trees and get rid of the one-way streets then?

The Lord:  No, actually  I was thinking more along the lines of slaughtering every single man, woman and child.

Abraham:  Whoa!  I hope you’re joking!

The Lord:  Oh Abraham, haven’t you spent enough time with me by now to know I have absolutely no sense of humor — and while we’re on the subject,  I’d like to know what’s so damn funny about the platypus!

Abraham:  But Lord, what if there are 50 innocent people living in Sodom? Wouldn’t you spare Sodom in order to save fifty innocent people?

The Lord: Meh.

Abraham:  But you are the Judge of all the Earth! Shouldn’t you act justly? I may be just a man, but that’s mega messed up if you ask me.

The Lord:  Oh Abraham, you’re so high strung.  Okay, fine.  If I find 50 innocent people living there I won’t destroy it.

Abraham:  But what if you only find 45?  Will you still destroy the city?

The Lord:  45?  Oh I don’t know. I guess I won’t if you’re going to get all fussy about it.

Abraham:  What about 40?

The Lord:  Oh for crying out loud, Abraham.  You’re so anal!  Okay fine.  I won’t massacre the entire population if there are 40 innocent people.

Abraham:  What about 30 or 20 or 10?

The Lord:  You’re annoying, you know that?  Okay, listen, if I find there are 10 innocent people in Sodom, I’ll icksnay on the aughterslay?   Happy?   Now go prepare me a sacrifice. I’m starving.

Abraham:  So you actually eat the sacrifices then?

The Lord:  Well no . . . I  . . . I just like to smell them cooking.  Sometimes I eat them.  It depends on how fat I’m feeling.  Prepare me a goat, Abraham.

Abraham:  Sorry, I sacrificed the last goat this morning.

The Lord:  What about lamb?

Abraham:  Fresh out.

The Lord:  Okay just give me a first-born calf then.

Abraham:  86 on the first-born calves.

The Lord:  Well what do you have?

Abraham:  How does roasted platypus sound?

The Lord:  Okay, but if there’s a bill, you’re not getting a tip.

Abraham:  Lord!  You sort of made a joke!

And a good laugh was had by all — except for The Lord who never got his own jokes.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when the three men go to Sodom and find out there’s worse things a city can have than too many one-streets.

"Don't feel bad about the Platypus Abraham. Next time just make it medium rare, that's all."
“Don’t feel bad about the Platypus, Abraham. Next time just make it medium rare and don’t give me the bill, that’s all I’m saying.”

Until next time . . . I love you

Holy Rollers! Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how Abraham got a surprise visit from three men with some unbelievable news concerning his wife, Sarah. This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 18: 1-15 if you would like to loosely follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesHoly Rollers!  Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

One hot biblical afternoon in the Sacred Trees of Mamre, Abraham was sitting in the entrance of his tent trying to get cool. The air-conditioning (hand-cranked) was on the blitz due to the fact that all his hand-cranking slaves were out sick with carpal tunnel syndrome.

Abraham was just sitting there relaxing, unraveling some stray threads on his robe when he looked up and saw three men standing nearby.  When Abraham saw them. he ran out to greet them and bowed to the ground.

Abraham could tell just by looking at them that they were pretty special.  (Some biblical scholars believe Abraham could tell the three men were special because they were all wearing robes that had God Squad printed in big Hebrew letters on the backs while other biblical scholars believe some biblical scholars are full of it.)

The conversation that followed might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Well hello there fellows!  It is me, Abraham, you’re humble servant.  Take a load off under that tree over there, while  I’ll run to fetch some water to wash your feet.  Not that they need it, or anything.

Three men:  Sounds good.

Abraham:  Oh and I’ll also bring you some food so that you may refresh yourselves.

Three men:  We sure could use some lawn chairs while you’re at it.

Abraham: Tell me about it!  Unfortunately my lawn-chair-weaver slaves are out sick with osteoarthritis.

Three men:  Very well,  just get us some food and wash our feet then.

Abraham:  I’m on it!

Abraham ran back to the tent to tell his wife, Sarah, about the three visitors.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Sarah, quick!  Get out the best flour and bake some bread, get all these tent pillows picked up, this place is a sty! And, you, slaves with the carpal tunnel syndrome! Look alive!

Sarah:  What’s going on?

Abraham: We’ve got important visitors.  Oh, for heavens sakes, Sarah, why are you still wearing  curlers in your hair when it’s eleven o’clock in the morning?

Sarah:  Can I help it if my curler-unfurling-slaves are all out sick with–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me.  Carpal tunnel syndrome?

Sarah:  No I think it’s tendonitis.

Abraham hurried out into his herd of cattle and picked out a calf that was tender and fat and handed it over to his barbecuing slave.

Abraham:  Here you go barbecuing slave.  Take this calf and cook it for the visitors. Make it medium rare and don’t forget to baste it.

Cooking Slave:  I can make it medium rare, but I won’t be able to baste it as I’m having a little trouble with my–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me. Tendonitis?

Cooking Slave:  No I think it’s Repetitive Strain Injury.

When everything was ready Abraham scurried out to the visitors.  He took them some meat, some cream and some milk and set the food before the men. He served them himself and they ate, and then they asked Abraham:

Three men:  Where’s your wife, Sarah?

Abraham:  She’s in the tent, she’s having a having a bad hair day.

One man who later turned out to be the Lord said:   Nine months from now I will come back and your wife Sarah will have a son.

When Sarah overheard this revelation from inside the tent, she laughed to herself because not only  was she too old to have a baby,  Abraham was 99, and Viagra hadn’t even been invented yet.  

The Lord:   Why does Sarah think she can’t have a baby?  I just heard her laughing to herself inside the tent. Is there anything too hard for the Lord?  As I said, nine months from now I will return  and Sarah will have a son.

Sarah:  I didn’t laugh, Lord.

The Lord:  Oh yes you did, Sarah!  I heard you!

Sarah:  What?  No, that’s the sound I always make when I have to yank out my own curlers.  It’s more of yelp than a laugh.

The Lord:  I know laughing when I hear it, and you were laughing.

Sarah:  No I wasn’t!

The Lord:  Yes you were!

Abraham:  Hey you two! What difference does it make?  It’s not like thousands of years from now people will be reading in the bible about whether or not the Lord overheard Sarah laughing . . . .

The Lord:  Well I suppose you’re right.

Abraham:  That’s the spirit! Now, who wants another foot washing — raise your hand!

The Lord:  I’ll take another one.

Abraham:  Great!  Listen would you mind if Sarah washed your feet instead of me.  All this foot washing is giving me–

The Lord:  Repetitive Strain Injury?.

Abraham:  No I think it’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when Abraham tries to think of something positive to say to say to the Lord about Sodom.

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Lord accuses Sarah of Laughing at him
The Lord, Sarah and Abraham