Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how Abraham got a surprise visit from three men with some unbelievable news concerning his wife, Sarah. This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 18: 1-15 if you would like to loosely follow along.
One hot biblical afternoon in the Sacred Trees of Mamre, Abraham was sitting in the entrance of his tent trying to get cool. The air-conditioning (hand-cranked) was on the blitz due to the fact that all his hand-cranking slaves were out sick with carpal tunnel syndrome.
Abraham was just sitting there relaxing, unraveling some stray threads on his robe when he looked up and saw three men standing nearby. When Abraham saw them. he ran out to greet them and bowed to the ground.
Abraham could tell just by looking at them that they were pretty special. (Some biblical scholars believe Abraham could tell the three men were special because they were all wearing robes that had God Squad printed in big Hebrew letters on the backs while other biblical scholars believe some biblical scholars are full of it.)
The conversation that followed might have gone something like this:
Abraham: Well hello there fellows! It is me, Abraham, you’re humble servant. Take a load off under that tree over there, while I’ll run to fetch some water to wash your feet. Not that they need it, or anything.
Three men: Sounds good.
Abraham: Oh and I’ll also bring you some food so that you may refresh yourselves.
Three men: We sure could use some lawn chairs while you’re at it.
Abraham: Tell me about it! Unfortunately my lawn-chair-weaver slaves are out sick with osteoarthritis.
Three men: Very well, just get us some food and wash our feet then.
Abraham: I’m on it!
Abraham ran back to the tent to tell his wife, Sarah, about the three visitors. The conversation might have gone something like this:
Abraham: Sarah, quick! Get out the best flour and bake some bread, get all these tent pillows picked up, this place is a sty! And, you, slaves with the carpal tunnel syndrome! Look alive!
Sarah: What’s going on?
Abraham: We’ve got important visitors. Oh, for heavens sakes, Sarah, why are you still wearing curlers in your hair when it’s eleven o’clock in the morning?
Sarah: Can I help it if my curler-unfurling-slaves are all out sick with–
Abraham: Don’t tell me. Carpal tunnel syndrome?
Sarah: No I think it’s tendonitis.
Abraham hurried out into his herd of cattle and picked out a calf that was tender and fat and handed it over to his barbecuing slave.
Abraham: Here you go barbecuing slave. Take this calf and cook it for the visitors. Make it medium rare and don’t forget to baste it.
Cooking Slave: I can make it medium rare, but I won’t be able to baste it as I’m having a little trouble with my–
Abraham: Don’t tell me. Tendonitis?
Cooking Slave: No I think it’s Repetitive Strain Injury.
When everything was ready Abraham scurried out to the visitors. He took them some meat, some cream and some milk and set the food before the men. He served them himself and they ate, and then they asked Abraham:
Three men: Where’s your wife, Sarah?
Abraham: She’s in the tent, she’s having a having a bad hair day.
One man who later turned out to be the Lord said: Nine months from now I will come back and your wife Sarah will have a son.
When Sarah overheard this revelation from inside the tent, she laughed to herself because not only was she too old to have a baby, Abraham was 99, and Viagra hadn’t even been invented yet.
The Lord: Why does Sarah think she can’t have a baby? I just heard her laughing to herself inside the tent. Is there anything too hard for the Lord? As I said, nine months from now I will return and Sarah will have a son.
Sarah: I didn’t laugh, Lord.
The Lord: Oh yes you did, Sarah! I heard you!
Sarah: What? No, that’s the sound I always make when I have to yank out my own curlers. It’s more of yelp than a laugh.
The Lord: I know laughing when I hear it, and you were laughing.
Sarah: No I wasn’t!
The Lord: Yes you were!
Abraham: Hey you two! What difference does it make? It’s not like thousands of years from now people will be reading in the bible about whether or not the Lord overheard Sarah laughing . . . .
The Lord: Well I suppose you’re right.
Abraham: That’s the spirit! Now, who wants another foot washing — raise your hand!
The Lord: I’ll take another one.
Abraham: Great! Listen would you mind if Sarah washed your feet instead of me. All this foot washing is giving me–
The Lord: Repetitive Strain Injury?.
Abraham: No I think it’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today. Please check back next week when Abraham tries to think of something positive to say to say to the Lord about Sodom.
Until next time . . . I love you