Month: October 2014

Slightly Creepy Seventies: Family Rooms

Linda Vernon Slighty Creepy Seventies, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  Gosh it’s been a long time since last we clapped eyes on the home decor horrors that only the Slightly Creepy Seventies can provide. That’s why I was delighted to run across this family room decorating book from 1977 and just in time for Halloween!

Now here’s a family room that practically screams fun!

 1977 Better Homes and Gardens Family Room Projects you can build

Whenever the family entered this Slightly Creepy Seventies family room, and once they had regained their balance, Mom and Dad got right down to the task of puffing Benson & Hedges cigarettes one after another in order to fill up their family-sized ashtray guaranteed to hold enough stubbed-out cigarettes to give the entire clan COPD in a single evening.  But not to worry, everybody was already hyperventilating from the decor anyway, so hey!  At least they were breathing! (Sort of . . .)

If this doesn’t make you want to hum the theme from Jaws, nothing will.

Seventies killer pillows

And why are there no people in this Slightly Creepy Seventies family room, you ask?

Ha ha!  Because they are all hiding in the “modular storage center that fits almost anywhere” or anyone.   And thank goodness for that!  How else would they be able to hide themselves from the giant killer macramé pillow that is obviously taking orders from the Slightly-Creepy Seventies Peacock Feather Vase Goddess?

I’ll bet the whole family is thanking their lucky stars right now that daddy scarfed down his cocaine-sprinkled oatmeal this morning or he would have never had the wherewithal to come up with the idea for this clever dual storage/hiding-from-murdering-pillow decorating idea.  But uh oh!  Look out Little Joshie!  You left he door open!

There’s organization and then there’s organization Slight-Creepy Seventies Style!

Family room with phone in front of tv

The genius that designed this Slightly Creepy Seventies entertainment center thought of everything right down to the board games that family members can play while Mom is yakking on the phone for hours blocking everybody’s view of their Slightly Creepy Seventies state of the art 12-inch Zenith television set — so much so that nobody in this poor, Slightly Creepy Seventies’ family ever found out whether or not Mary Tyler Moore did indeed make it after all. (They did get to see a cool explosion on Rockford Files though . . . well, not exactly — but the way Mom described it, it sounded cool!)

 And of course no Slightly Creepy Seventies family room is complete without a plant phone booth (if Mom will ever get off the phone and let the plants use it, that is).

a phone booth for plants slightly creepy seventies

What better way for a family to pass through the tedious decade of the Slightly Creepy Seventies at a snail’s pace than to actually pull up a chair and literally watch snails’ pace?  Answer?  No better way!

Well, that is if you don’t count Mom describing to everyone how exciting it was when Jim Rockford got in that high-speed car chase and ran over Mary Tyler Moore and made her hat fly up in the air.  At least, Mom’s pretty sure that’s what happened — but then again she was talking on the phone at the time —  and in the Slightly Creepy Seventies, multi-tasking hadn’t even been invented yet.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a little Halloween Horror in the form of the Slightly Creepy Seventies, now go have a fun Halloween and try to forget the horror you saw here.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

Mini-Ranting: Today’s Topic: Extroverts

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Some of the smartest people I’ve ever known were extroverts in the extreme

Who considered me one of their best friends — but hardly knew the sound of my voice

Who never seemed to notice if I got my hair cut or wore a new dress

Who careened through their days at lightning speed

Who laughed with a million friends

Who blurted out every thought they ever had

Whose activities were big and noisy; then gone and forgotten

Who said what they thought and never looked back

Who only seemed to notice the fireworks and never the fire

But then out of the blue they would utter

The wisest and deepest of truths

And I’d be blown away

Then they’d be off again, whizzing through the crowded traffic of their busy lives

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Hey Where’d You Come From?

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened after Cain killed his brother and God forced him to run away from home. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesCain Takes a Wife or Hey! Where’d You Come From?

After God kicked Cain out of Eden territory, Cain wandered around until he came to the land of Nod, known for it’s quiet motels.

After that Cain got married.  It was a pretty small wedding ceremony as Cain’s parents didn’t go because they were still mad at him for killing Abel and thought it was super unfair that if anybody killed Cain seven people would have to be killed –especially since, at that point, there were only three people on earth. (This was way before God created the calculator.)

Anyway,  if the bible knows where Cain’s wife came from it isn’t telling, but nevertheless, Cain and his wife soon had a bouncing baby boy, and they named the poor little thing Enoch.

Right away Cain started remodeling his tent, adding on a nursery and whatnot until next thing you know, Cain had added on an entire city which he also named Enoch which sometimes got confusing for them.

Mrs. Cain:  Honey have you seen Enoch?

Cain:  Have I seen it?  I built it!

Mrs. Cain:  No I mean Enoch, the baby.

Cain:  We have a baby?

Mrs. Cain:  Cain!!!

Cain: Ha ha just kidding, honey.

Mrs. Cain:  Well don’t be so cavalier.  He’s a pretty important little baby because as it stands right now there’s your mom and dad and you and me and the baby representing the entire human race.

Cain:  And we’re not even sure about you.

Mrs. Cain: Cain!!

Cain:  Ha ha just kidding, honey.

After that, Cain and his wife settled into a very quiet life in the land of Nod.  One day, Enoch got married.  (Apparently God had whipped up another batch of women while the bible wasn’t looking.)

For the next several generations, all anybody ever did was have kids and see who could come up with the most difficult names to pronounce, the uglier the better. There was Mehujael and Methushael and Lamech, and there was also a guy named Jubal who named his daughter a name not even liked by God, Zillah.

Soon the place was buzzing with people living in tents, tending livestock, learning to play harps and flutes and making all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron.  It was so noisy no one could hear anybody else calling their name — which was one of God’s biggest blessings thus far.

Right about this time Adam and Eve decided to have a third child whom they named Seth. (Adam and Eve had much better taste in names.) Seth which loosely translated means:  one who has many horribly named aunts and uncles, lived to be 807 years old, and spent most of that time addressing Christmas card envelopes.

But of all Cain’s descendants, it was Methuselah who really took the cake, living to be 969 years old, and tragically dying of birthday cake overdose.

Methusela's timely demise
Methuselah’s sad ending

Well there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned today in Sunday School today. Please check back next week for more of Gregory’s bible stories.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Onomatopoeia Sisters’ Phone Call

Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry , , , , , , ,

Onomatopoeia Sisters' Phone Call

 

Until next time, I love you

Current Events Coloring Pages

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers. I think you will all agree that this world doesn’t need more news.  What this world needs is more news coloring pages.  This blog has taken actual news stories from around the world and turned them into coloring pages for your coloring convenience.

Chimps Make a Sponge Tool

While it is already well established that chimps use tools for a variety of reasons, Dr. Catherine Hobaiter and her research team filmed chimps teaching each other how to use a new tool, a type of ‘sponge’ made from crumpled leaves that chimps were teaching each other to dip into a pond to help them drink.

“Basically, if you saw it done, you learned how to do it, and if you didn’t, you didn’t,” Dr. Hobaiter was actually quoted as saying.

The Chimps Teaching Each Other How to Get a Drink of Water Using New Type of “Sponge Tool” Coloring Page

chimps using tools

 

The Waffling Robot

Researchers at Bristol University set up an experiment in which a robot was programmed specifically  for the task of preventing other robots from falling down a hole.

When the research team ran the experiment, they found that the robot tasked with saving the robots only managed to do so half the time because the robot doing the rescuing dithered around too long trying to figure out which robot to help — resulting in both robots falling down the hole.

The Worryingly Indecisive Robot Coloring Page

Worryingly Indecisive Robot Coloring Page

The Heroic Rhododendron

Ryan Campbell had been enjoying a camping trip with his friends in Kentucky when an unfortunate incident almost cost him his life.  He had been sleeping peacefully in his hammock when during the early hours of the morning, he started sleepwalking and stepped off a 60-foot cliff a short distance from the campsite.

He was only saved by the  Rhododendron bush that broke his fall.

The Ryan Campbell Cheating Death Sleepwalking Over a 60′ Cliff and Landing in a Rhododendron Bush  Coloring Page

The Ryan Campbell Cheating Death Coloring Page

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Happy Coloring!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Thank You Pottery Barn for Life Itself!

Linda Vernon Pottery Barn , , , , , , , , , ,

Are you living your life like wind-tossed lint?  Bouncing hither and yon at nature’s whim –never knowing the difference between up nor down nor side nor ways?

Well, Pottery Barn has a solution for that, Dear Reader, and it’s called:

The Pottery Barn Daily System

That’s right!  Pottery Barn and their “Daily System” has finally found a way to make keeping track of your family’s events a full time job!

Now, the first thing you do — using PB’s Daily System — is polish off a bottle of beer and a bottle of wine and then rinse them out and place them on their designated spots on the shelf (as pictured). Once that task has been completed,  you’re  going to be  in the mood to write something rather odd and crazy on the blackboard just like Pottery Barn did.

You could either copy PB and write “Summer Night Alive and Bright” or come up with your own drunken phrase.

And since the blackboard is at the tippy top of the Daily System, you will need to climb up on the desk (which Pottery Barn designed just for this purpose) and carefully . . . watch it now! . . . write on the blackboard.

  Of course, while you are up there, you might as well grab a couple of pens and pencils . . .  oh and don’t forget the scissors, grab those too, while you’re at it. (You never know!)

But do be careful don’t– whoops!  Did you fall down?  PB anticipated that might happen.  Hopefully the desk broke your fall and you can still read the family activities that have been written on the white board — because you might have to make some changes to those activities.

For instance, you’re probably going to have to skip the 4th of July celebration altogether, who knows if you will have regained feeling in your arms and legs by then — of course, Dad could ice your back for you if wasn’t traveling all week.  (Isn’t that always the way!)

And you’re probably going to have to  find a way to break it to Curtis that you can’t drive him to sailing lessons due to your being paralyzed and all. (But watch out! Curtis isn’t going to like it!)

And the Palmer dinner thing . . . well, if all that involved was Palmer eating a bowl of Mac and Cheese while conversing with you about Curtis’s sailing abilities while you lay paralyzed on the desk –then there’s  no need to cancel that one! YAY!

Ah! That Pottery Barn!  Always working around the clock to make your pathetic life better! You gotta love ’em!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abel’s First-born Lamb Feed

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories on Monday instead of Sunday as Gregory didn’t get around to telling about what he learned in Sunday School until today.  Let’s listen in and see what he learned about Adam and Eve’s two boys, Cain and Abel.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbel’s All You Can Eat First-Born Lamb Feed

After the “incident” with Adam and Eve, the Lord gave each of them hoes as lovely parting gifts and sent them to cultivate the soil just outside the Garden of Eden which they unofficially named Little Eden.  (Luckily, Adam and Eve had eaten enough of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge to know how to farm,  but were still several bites shy of an Agricultural Sciences degree.)

Eve soon gave birth to two boys.  The first one she named Cain because she had always liked that name.  The second one she named Abel because she wasn’t able to think of any other name she liked.

Cain became a farmer and grew lots of boring broccoli, while Abel became a shepherd and herded lots of  mouth-watering sheep.

One day, Cain gathered up a big bowl of broccoli  and offered it to the Lord while Abel killed a first-born lamb, sautéed the best parts in clarified butter, and offered it to the Lord along with a glass of His favorite chardonnay.

The Lord breezed by Cain’s alter and sat down at Abel’s table.   Just as Abel was tying the Lord’s First-Born Lamb Feed bib on, Cain came over with his bowl of broccoli.

Cain:  Hi Lord.  I grew this bowl of broccoli for you.    I think it will make a nice accompaniment to Abel’s Seared Petite First-Born Lamb Chops with Rosemary Balsamic Reduction, don’t you?

The Lord:  Take it away. I am rejecting it.

Cain:  Ah come on.  Don’t be that way.  Couldn’t you take one teeny-weeny bite?

The Lord:  No, I reject you and your broccoli, Cain. But I will have me some more of your brother’s delightful mouthwatering first-born lamb!  Hey . . .what’s the matter, Cain, you look angry.  Why are you scowling?

Cain:  I’m just feeling a little killingish that’s all.

Abel:  You’re stupid Cain!

Cain:  Hey, Abel.  Can I see you out in the field for a minute?

Abel:  I guess.  You want to come too, Lord?

The Lord:  No you guys go ahead.  I’m just going to polish off  the rest of these First-Born Lamb Sliders.

When they were in the field, Cain took the stalk of broccoli he’d won first place for at the Little Eden County Fair, removed the pin from it and stabbed Abel repeatedly with the pointy end — killing him, if not instantly, eventually.

Cain killing abel

When Cain came back, the Lord was just finishing the last of the first-born lamb Jello and was once again congratulating Himself on having had the wherewithal to have always made room for it when he was creating everything.

The Lord:  This Jello set up perfectly, Abel!

Cain:  I’m not Abel, I’m Cain.

The Lord:  Where’s Abel?

Cain:  I do not know.   Am I my brother’s keeper?

The Lord:  That’s rhetorical, isn’t it?   Wait a minute . . . Listen:  I hear your brother’s blood crying out from the soil.

Cain:  Are you sure?  Maybe that’s just your stomach growling again.

The Lord:  No, by Golly, that was blood crying out from the soil, alright.  There’s a fine line, but I know the difference.

Cain:  Gulp.

The Lord:  Okay, Buster, no more tilling the soil for you.  From now on, consider yourself a restless wanderer.

Cain:  You mean the kind of restless wanderer that anyone may kill on sight?

The Lord:  Not so!  If anyone kills Cain, Cain shall be avenged seven-fold!

Cain:  Why are you suddenly talking in third person?

The Lord:  I get so bored with omniscient.

Cain:  But why will they be avenged seven-fold?

The Lord:  Seven is my lucky fold.

Cain:  I knew that.

The Lord:  No you didn’t.

Cain:  More first-born lamb shank, Lord?

The Lord:  Thank you.  Don’t mind if I do.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School, please check back next Sunday to see what will happen next to Adam and Eve and the gang.

Until next time . . . I love you

First Born Lamb Feed

Entertaining Attila

Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Melissa Miranda Malinda MacNella

Went to the store to find her a fella

Came home with a guy whose name was Attila

(Someone had beat her to Nelson Mandela)

 

At first he was fun (he was such a dear Hun)

Til he started reciting the battles he’d won

And the heads he beheaded (it was over a ton)

And the peasants he’d spared (of which there were none)

 

What’s Melissa to do with a guy such as he?

An infamous killer from 453

Well the answer it came to her clear as can be

She gave him some popcorn and turned on TV

Atilla the Hun

Oh the violence he saw there was creepy and chilling

He couldn’t believe all the torture and killing

Rivers of blood by the buckets was spilling

 Attila found watching cartoons quite fulfilling

 

Horribly Art: Attila the Hun 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Forbidden Fruit Fiasco Fallout

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about what happened when God found out about the forbidden fruit fiasco.

Gregory's Bible StoriesThe Forbidden Fruit Fiasco Fallout

After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they heard the Lord God walking in the garden.  (You could always hear the Lord God coming a mile away as He loved slapping His flip-flops.)

Adam and Eve weren’t wearing clothes because the fig-leaf outfits they sewed to cover themselves in Genesis 3:7  were way too scratchy. They tried selling them at a yard sale, but nobody came by except for the snake. He didn’t buy anything though as they didn’t have any tube tops.

When Adam and Eve heard God calling to them, they hid behind some trees. Then they looked around and saw a bear sleeping behind them.  They hoped God wouldn’t look over as the last thing Adam and Eve wanted was for God to see them with a bear behind.

Biblical Scholars believe their conversation with God might have — but probably didn’t — go something like this:

God:  Where are you, Adam?

Adam:  I’m hiding behind this tree because I’m naked.

God:  Why?

Adam:  Uh . . . the dry cleaners lost my Bermuda shorts?

God: No, I mean  why do you know you’re naked?

Adam:  Uh . . . is this a trick question?

Eve:  Let me handle this, Adam.  Hi God.  Remember me?  I’m that rib you–oh gosh! Those flip-flops look really great on you, by the way.

God:  You really think so?  I love the sound they make when I walk.

Eve:  I noticed. Listen, Lord, remember that tree you put smack dab in the middle of the garden that has forbidden cupcake fruit growing on it that you told us never to eat not even for dessert?

God:  Yes?

Eve:  Well the Snake tricked us into eating it.

God:  How?

Eve:  He said the fruit would make us wise-; plus it had cream filling. And you know how Adam can’t resist cream filling!

God:  What?  That’s the oldest trick in the book!

Eve:  Uh . . yeah . . .  we know that now.

God: Where’s the Snake?

Snake:  You rang?

God:  Okay, Snake, I’m gong to punish you.  From now on you will have to crawl on your belly and eat dust.

Snake:  Wait a minute, I’m already doing that.  You mean all this time I could have been walking around eating forbidden cream-filled cupcake fruit instead of crawling on my belly in this stupid tube top?

God:  And, Eve, I’m punishing you too. When you have a baby it’s going to hurt like gangbusters.

Eve:  What’s a baby?

God:  And you, Adam, you listened to your wife and ate the forbidden cupcake fruit  from tree of knowledge.  What were you thinking?

Adam: I was thinking . . .  mm . . . cupcakes.

God:  Sorry, Adam, but I’m going to have to kick you out of the Garden of Eden. I give you one rule and you break it.

Adam:  Ah, come on God.  How about two out of three?

God:   No Adam.  Now get out and take that bear behind with you!

Adam and Eve exiting the garden of Eden

And that’s what Gregory learned in Sunday School today, Dear Readers.  Please stop by next week at this same time to see what happens when Adam and Eve move to the country.

Until next time . . . I love you

Adam and Eve with a bear behind