Let’s Poke Fun at Album Covers

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today, let’s do something we haven’t done in a while.  Let’s poke fun at albums covers!  Let’s start with this one:

William Holden the World of Suzie Wong

William Holden was a major movie star in the 50’s and 60’s and possibly even the 70’s.   I’m not much of a researcher as I prefer to make up my own facts to save time, but anyway my point is — William Holden can’t paint!

Notice how that outfit Suzie is wearing isn’t anything like the one Bill is painting?  (You don’t mind if I call him, Bill, do you?)  Also, Bill doesn’t look very committed to the task.  I have a feeling he’s holding a bottle of vodka in that hand we can’t see.  Don’t you think so, Bill? (You don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?)

I don’t know how William Holden died, but a long time ago, I remember seeing a sign in someone’s bathroom that said “William Holden Slipped Here.”  So I have a feeling his death was rather untoward.

Which is why we won’t go into it here, Bill,  as this is a humor blog, and, as such, steers clear of unpleasant topics unless it’s  laugh out loud funny like, say, the always popular topic of baby eating.  But I digest . . .

Oh and you can’t see it, Bill, but on the very top of this album in the  left right no left oh who cares corner,  it says this album was  recorded in “New Orthophonic” high fidelity.  Which I guess means it’s for people who have to wear shoes on their ears for medical reasons.  (Not really, I’m just making that up . . . at least I think I’m making it up . . .what do you think, Bill? )

Let’s move on to the super-cheery Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem, shall we, Bill?

The Clancy Brothers

Okay, Bill, which one do you think is Tommy Makem?  They all look alike to me, Bill.  Do you think that maybe Tommy Makem is a Clancy half-brother?  Maybe he’s the brother nobody knew about until Tommy came a’knockin’ at the door one day with a big announcement?  A big announcement that . . . well  we won’t go into that unpleasantness here, Bill,  as this is supposed to be a humor blog and as such steers clear of topics about things like, say, the  illegitimate makin’ of  Tommy Makems.

Apparently, if one can believe the album blurb,  the Clancy Brothers are Irish. There’s no mention of what Tommy Makem is.  Who cares?  He’s really starting to get on The Clancy Brothers’  nerves anyway.  In fact, I think even though this album is called The First Hurrah!  I have a feeling it’s The Last Hurrah! for poor ol’  illegitimate half-brother, Tommy Makems, don’t you think Bill?

But, Bill,  let’s not worry about such things now, Let’s move on instead to An Hour of Tchaikovsky!

An Hour of Tchaikovsky

Okay, don’t look now, Bill, but this Tchaikovsky Groupie seems to have  her hand hopelessly stuck in her hairdo!  Naturally, she’s confused because she only used seven cans of  hairspray on her hair  —  when she usually applies 43! ( Apparently Tschaikovsky’s been getting into the hairspray cabinet again, what are we going to do with him, Bill?)

But not to worry, she is still managing to keep her composure.  How?  Well, thanks to the magic of eight gallons  of foundation and 3 pounds of eye shadow, three-quarters of a pound of lipstick and half a pound of potato salad.  No  wait . . . that was her lunch.

Okay, well as you can see, Bill, I’m starting to get confused. So I guess it’s just as well that we are  completely out of Album Cover, fun-poking time!  Gosh where does the time go? Where, Bill?  Where?

Until next time . . . I love you

Sports Illustrated Brings Us 1963

Oh Dear Readers!  Look what crossed my path yesterday at the used bookstore!

Illustration of woman relaxing on a yatch in a two-piece Swim suit circa 1963
A Sports Illustrated Magazine from 1963!  Isn’t it wonderful? Let’s flip through it together, shall we?

Here’s 1963, Master’s Champion Jack Nicklaus  singing the praises of the MacGregor Woods with their exclusive penetrating impregnation method! Wow! Now that’s impressive!

Ad from Sports Illustrated 1963 Golf Ad
Golf in 1963 was sure a lot more interesting than it is now.

The ad goes on to explain that the exclusive penetrating impregnation method was the most talked about club feature in golf!  (Well, I should say so!)  “Because it let’s you use a wood with confidence in bad lies.”  Gosh I wonder if Tiger knows about this?

 

Hey! Who doesn’t want to live in a world where shirts were only $5.00 raise your hand!

Man in car driving away
Shh . . . don’t tell Mr.Sophisticated City Dweller who is wearing his Dacron Docoma Breeze shirt that the poor country bumpkins who just got off the  b.u.s. are laughing at him not with him.

Stuffed shirts didn’t come any less wrinkle-free than in 1963 thanks to Docoma Breeze shirts boasting Grip-Tab, Dress ‘n Play, Blake collars — which only cool city dwellers could afford at $5 a pop.  And if that didn’t make a man want to drive around Manhattan, mannequin-like, in a car three-sizes too small –1963 doesn’t know what did!

 

Don’t Worry Honey! Kent’s Micronite Filter makes cigarettes good for you!

Blah Blah
This Kent ad is the very first and the very last ad to utilize the phrase “refines away”.

Apparently back in 1963, the key to smoking fun was getting the cigarette to have the mildest taste of all!  Kent was hoping that smokers wouldn’t put 2 and 2 together and realize that the mildest taste of all would be not smoking any cigarettes at all.

 

Question!  What’s more fun than shooting guns with daddy?   Shooting guns with daddy in the house!  What else?

Father and Son unpacking Daisy BB Range
Run for cover,Sis! Look out Spot! Whoops sorry, Dear!

What better way for  fathers to bond with their sons and to teach their sons to grow up to be men than by shooting bb guns with them in the house?  Oh sure, a few of mother’s prized figureens may have to be sacrificed, and little Suzie’s buttox will probably never be the same — but it’s a small price to pay for teaching little boys what it really means to be a man — 1963 style!

Now then wasn’t that fun?  I hope you liked our little foray into the world of 1963, Dear Readers!

Until next time . . . I love you

Superman’s Other Weaknesses


FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie

 

Until next time . . . I love you

The Edible Horror of 1959

Hello Dear Readers! 

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly,  we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you’ve been warned!

 

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

 

Looks innocent?  Look again!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten.

 

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness!  What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

 

And in another equally unsettling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup!  Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour!  Oh the vegumanity!

 

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of said pie.  Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day.

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family cannibalism!

Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Stawberry!  We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains.  I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you!  But you were warned!

If it’s any consolation

Until next time . . . I love you

Life on the Ark

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark  and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting for the flood to subside.

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesLife on the Ark 

Noah:  Honey!  Come on!  You’re not still packing are you?  We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!

Noah’s Wife, Betty:   I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!

Noah:  Here let me do it.

Betty:   Oh no you don’t!  You’ll  wrinkle  everything!

Noah:  Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark.  I think I can pack a suitcase.

Betty:   Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline?  I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows  how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.

Noah:  Sure you can bring the tambourine.  You know how much I love to sing.

Betty:   Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.

Noah:  We have a trampoline?

Betty:  What’s the matter Noah?  You look upset.

Noah:  It’s God.  I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they fit  nicely and now God has added seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.

Betty:  You mean he didn’t mention it before now?

Noah:  Nope.

Betty:  Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.

Noah:  Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip, honey.

After Noah had  finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark, the  Lord shooed all the animals away from the  door and slammed  it shut.  (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again.)  Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!

Day 10 on the ark:

Ham:  Dad can’t we open a window or something?  The smell in here is gross!

Noah:  What’s that?  I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking,  and the mooing and the bleating.

Betty:   I can’t stand all this sitting!  I just know I’m putting on weight.  What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.

Noah:  What honey?  Did you say something about a  tambourine?

Shem:  I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we  barbecue one of the animals!

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 50 on the ark:

Everybody in unison Ninety- nine  potter vessels of  wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of  wine on the ark . . .

Day 100 on the ark:

Shem:  Hey guess what everybody?   We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!

Ham:  How do you know that?

Shem:  I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick Dad let me bring.

Betty:   Noah!  How come you let  Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one  lousy little trampoline?

Noah:  What’s that Betty?   I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 130 on the ark:

Shem:  Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had  an olive branch in its beak!

Noah:  You know what, Shem,  at this point Daddy doesn’t really give a rat’s behind.

Ham:  Ha ha!   Funny you should say that,  Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!

Noah:  Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying  early.

Day 150 on the ark:

Noah:  Ninety nine pottery vessels of—

Ham:   Hey Dad!  Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.

Noah:  What?  When was this?

Ham:  About three months ago give or take.

Noah:  What?  Why didn’t you tell me?

Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.

And a hardy laugh was had by all.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  How Gregory imagines  life on the ark during the Great Flood.  Be sure and check back next week for the further adventures of Noah and the gang.

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah and Betty

Unloading the Ark

Noah makes some arks

 

Jesus, Twix Bars, and the Samaritan Woman

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week:

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible storiesJesus, Twix Bars and the Samaritan Woman

When Jesus was alive, he had to walk everywhere.  Biblical walking wasn’t much fun.  Everybody wore opened-toed shoes with no arch support, and there was ox manure everywhere and people were constantly stubbing their toes on the stones that were laying around all over the place– which made the countryside convenient for impromptu stonings, sure, but horrible for walking.

One day on his way to Galilee, Jesus and his disciples got a little lost and realized they would have to walk through Samaria.  In those days, Samaria was to Jesus and his disciples what Mexico is to Americans today.  Fun but iffy.

After stepping in ox manure and stubbing their toes on rocks all the way there (except for Jesus who not only  knew exactly where, but, more importantly, where not to step), the disciples and Jesus were pretty tuckered out.

Finally they came to a well and Jesus sat down to rest while the disciples, who were starving, went to find a good goat burger drive walk-through.

A Samaritan woman came to draw water from the well that Jesus was sitting on.

The Bible According to Gregory, Linda Vernon Humor, Jesus and Samaritan Woman humorous bible stories

Here is the conversation that ensued as summarized by Gregory who’s never read the bible and doesn’t ever listen in Sunday school:

Samaritan Woman:  Uh, excuse me. Can you move over, I’m trying to draw some water.

Jesus:  Will you give me a drink of water?

Samaritan Woman:  Well uh . . . I see by your name tag that you’re a Jew and I’m a Samaritan and Jews never drink out of Samaritan cups!

Jesus:    Actually, I could give you some water.  Some living water and then you would never be thirsty again.  Indeed the water I give will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

Samaritan Woman:  No kidding?  Kind of like a camel only better!

Jesus:  Go get your husband.

Samaritan Woman:  I have no husband.

Jesus:  You are right when you say you have no husband.  The fact is, you have had five husbands and the man you now have is not your husband.  What you just said is true.

Samaritan Woman:  So you’re the one whose been reading my diary!

Then Jesus told the woman the time is coming when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth.

Samaritan Woman:  Well I know that Messiah is coming.  When he comes he will explain everything to us.

Jesus:  “I am the one speaking to you –I am he!”

Just then the disciples showed up with some righteous goat burgers and the woman left her water jug and ran  back to the village to tell the Village People (who just happened to be playing there that day) as well as the rest of the village people that they were never going to believe who she just met at the well . . .

The bible acording to Gregory, Linda Venron Humor

Meanwhile the disciples were trying to get Jesus to eat.

Disciple:  Rabbi, eat something!

Jesus:  “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”

The disciples waited for Jesus to pull a Twix out of his robe pocket, but instead Jesus said, “My food, is to do the will of him who sent me to finish his work.”

If the disciples were disappointed, they tried not to show it.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week, to see what Gregory new exciting things Gregory will learn in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Do You Suffer from Jam Side Down Syndrome?

The Scenario:    Shuffle to computer holding toast and jam.  Promptly drop toast and jam — jam side down — onto computer keyboard. 

Now most people would label this as the beginning of a very bad day — a Jam Side Down Day, if you will. But for me, it’s simply part of my normal, everyday, existence.

That’s because I suffer from a syndrome called  Jam-Side-Down Syndrome or JSDS.  You’ve probably never heard of it before due to the fact that I just now made it up.

Jam in happier times.

Now, even though I just this very moment made up Jam Side Down Syndrome, not to worry, Dear readers, I’m sure there will be a pill for it coming out on the market any minute now. (Remember to ask your doctor about it.)

 

Extremely rare photo of Jam Side Up. Experts cannot agree as to its authenticity.

And I bet this new  miracle drug will probably be no more addictive than your average heroin cigarette and with a risk of side-effects no more dangerous than, say, marrying Henry the VIII.

So no big whoop all the way around!  Wouldn’t you agree?

Now it seems the only thing left for me to do is think up a quiz that would indicate whether or not a person might be suffering from JSDS.  Well, that’s smple!

Do You Suffer from Jam Side Down Syndrome? The Quiz!

1) How many articles of clothing are hanging in your closet this very minute that have jam stains on them?

a) one

b) two

c) 17  perhaps?

2) How many times did you slip on some jam and fall down the stairs this morning?

a) one

b) two

c) 17 perhaps?

If a tree fell in the forest do you think it would land jam side down?

a) yes

b) no

c) 17 perhaps?

Suppose you were skydiving while eating toast and jam and your parachute failed to open. What odds would you give yourself of landing Jam Side Down?

A)  7 out of 23

B) 132 out of 6

C)  17 perhaps?

Suppose you were walking through a beautiful garden and were hit on the head by an asteroid with jam on it that was hurling to earth at a tremendous speed.  Would the undertaker have to charge extra for washing jam out of your hair?

A) yes

B) No

C) 17 perhaps?

So there you have it, Dear Reader.  If you answered yes, no, or 17 perhaps?  to any of the above questions, you are most definitely suffering from Jam Side Down Syndrome BIG TIME!

Quickly!! Put down that toast and jam and call your local pharmaceutical company immediately. . . there’s not a minute to lose . . .oh . .  and please, please try not to get jam all over the phone!

Until next time . . . I love you