Some Common Sense Tips

Hello Dear Readers.  I thought it might be helpful to post a short list  of common sense tips that my brain, Peanuts, just thought of.

Don’t worry about your spleen.  Nobody ever said on their death-bed, “I wish I would have worried about my spleen.”

 "Let's see, 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . ."
“Let’s see . . . 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . . oh I need to read these! “

If someone in your family is set on becoming a human cannonball, keep a mirror and a helmet handy so you can show them how stupid they will look to others.

Slit your car tires every night before you go to bed so that when you wake up in the morning there won’t be any flat tire surprises.

Did you remember to slit the tires?No, it's your turn, I did it last night!
Did you remember to slit the tires?
No, it’s your turn, I did it last night!

Never allow anyone to act out the poem Lizzie Borden Took an Ax on family fun night unless you are absolutely certain the ax is inaccessible and there’s no liquor in the house.

Always test out your  “experimental arsenic cookies” on the hamster first, and be sure he’s actually dead before going to all the trouble of serving them to in-laws.

"Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?"

“Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?”

Always keep a copy of Robert Rules of Order on you at all times to avoid the embarrassment of walking up to take the witness stand in a crowded courtroom when it’s not your turn.

Never engage in a conversation with a chatty robot before you know the location of their off switch.  (The same holds true for husbands.)

"Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have been 17823 days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 100. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1912. and. then. again. on . . . "
“Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have. been. 17823. days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 1400. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1035. and. then. on. . . “

Just make it a policy to never operate on friends. Period. End of story.

Listen Marge, it's not that I don't want to take out your spleen, it's just that you're a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry . . . .
Listen Marge, it’s not that I don’t want to remove your spleen, it’s just that you’re a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry but period end of story.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: Fred and The Bears

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

Fred and The Bears

As you may remember from last week’s bible lesson, Gregory was learning about Elisha (pronounced Fred).

Fred  had just inherited the All in One Miracle Cloak from his idol, Elijah, who thew it to him from  the whirlwind God had sent for Elijah to take him up to heaven.

Biblical Fig Juice Stains

The cloak did wonders for Fred’s self-esteem.  It gave him the power to perform miracles,  it brought out the hazel in his eyes, and it even dimmed the shine of his very bald head!

img635

Horrible Artist’s rendering of what Fred might have looked like.

But the men of Jericho thought Fred’s story about Elijah being whisked off up to heaven in a whirlwind was a bit sketchy.

Jericho Man:  Hi Fred. nice cloak.   Say, have you seen Elijah anywhere?

Fred:  Uh, Elijah . . . uh . . . well,  he’s on a permanent vacation.

Jericho Man:  Oh how nice!  Where?

Fred:  Heaven.

Jericho Man:  You mean he died?

Fred:  Not exactly.  The Lord picked him up in a Whirlwind and took him to heaven while he was still alive.

Jericho Man:  I’m sorry, but I have trouble believing that because the Lord doesn’t travel in a whirlwind, he travels in a cloud.

Fred:  Are you implying I don’t know the difference between a cloud and a whirlwind?

Jericho Man:  Okay I’m bored.   Hey listen, Fred, since you’re the new miracle guy in town, would you mind doing something about the source of our drinking water.  It tastes like Shiite.

Fred:  Not a problem, I can fix that.  Bring me a new jar and put salt in it.

Jericho man:  But won’t that just mask the flavor?

Fred raised his I’m-the-new-miracle-guy-in-town-aren’t- I? eyebrow and the man ran off to fetch Fred a jar of salt.

Fred threw the salt into the Shiite water and everybody watched while he took a sip and pronounced that the water tasted as good as  Alhambra.  And everybody rejoiced by laughing at the way Fred pronounced Abraham.

Fred takes being called “baldy” badly.

After that Fred left Jericho to travel to Bethel as he had some early blankmas shopping he wanted to do. (This was way before Jesus was born.)

On the way there, he encountered a group of boys who started making fun of Fred’s bald head.

“Get out of here baldy!” they all shouted.

Which was the very worst thing you could call a person in biblical days not counting  Unleavened- Pizza- Crust – Face.

So Fred cursed the boys in the name of the Lord and two she-bears came out of the woods and tore the 42 boys to pieces which must have taken a while — long enough for Fred to get out his slab and chisel and chisel 42 hash marks.

Prologue:

After that, Fred traveled on to Mount Carmel, where he  bought everybody on his list a  box of carmels.

He came back by way of Samaria and gifted an extra box he accidentally bought  to a Samaritan who lived there and wished him Merry Blankmas!

And that’s why to this day, if someone buys an extra box of carmels and gives it to someone who lives in Sameria,  they are called a Good Samaritan.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Be sure to check back  next week to see what new and exciting thing Gregory learns in Sunday School.

Disaster-Being-eaten-Bear-eating-Viking1
“So you’re wearing that funny hat because 42 boys called you “Baldy”?
“Yeah.”
“You want I should maul them?”
“Yeah.”

Until next time . . . I love you

Baby Boomer Junk Mail

Hello Dear Readers!  Gosh it’s a beautiful day.  Okay let’s talk about death now.

Here’s something that came in the mail today from the Trident Society:

Trident Society Linda Vernon Humor
The Trident Society wants dibs on your “vessel”

Apparently the Trident Society isn’t really a Society at all.  It’s just a nice way of saying we’re a company that turns a profit cremating dead people.  I don’t think there’s regular meetings or anything.  It’s simply that they are asking for dibs on cremating you after you die, but they want you to pay them for it right now.

Apparently there are lots and lots and lots of wonderful  reasons why you need to  pre-purchase your funeral pyre.  Let’s take a closer look at what they are, shall we?

Trident Society Commentary Linda Vernon Humor

The first reason for being cremated is convenience.

If you pay for your cremation now, perhaps when you die, one of your  family members (whoever gets the shortest straw) can simply go to a Trident Society drive-thru window, pick up your ashes and set you on the book shelf until the next family reunion — where you will be lovingly lugged along and incorporated into the prayer before the potluck lunch is served.  Upside:  It’s convenient as all get out.  Downside:  Alive or dead, you’ll have to attend the next family reunion.

Cremation is much less expensive and has less impact on the environment!

Now how can anybody say no to cheap and easy?  It’s cheap AND it’s better for the environment.  Downside:  You had to pay for it yourself. Upside:  Hey!! Lookee you!  You’re recyclable!

It allows families to provide a dignified resting place to memorialize their loved one. 

What is the Trident Society trying to imply?  Are they trying to  imply that your current plan — to give great, great grandaddy, Trevor, the ol’ heave ho on your next Carnival Cruise — isn’t a dignified enough resting place?  Upside:  Oh yeah!  Downside:  Just watch you!

And finally, Dear Readers, if the above reasons aren’t enough to convince you that you need to pre-purchase your cremation, Trident Society is pulling out all the stops by allowing you to enter for a chance to WIN a FREE CREMATION!

Win a free cremation! Linda Vernon Humor

Sufferin’ Succotash!  Look how happy everybody is in the picture!  Well, there’s nothing like winning a FREE CREMATION to make everyone want to play a rousing game of Ring Around the Rosy!

Until next time . . . I love you

Biblical Wrestle Mania

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

Biblical Wrestle Mania: Almighty God vs. Jacob the Ladder

Jacob was a twin who was born holding onto his  brother’s heel. Why anybody even noticed this is odd because Jacob’s twin brother, Esau (pronounced Achoo) was born entirely red and covered with fur.  A fact that Jacob’s parents were happy about because it meant they would never have any trouble telling them apart.

The twins’ mother, Rebekah, liked  Jacob best because she was partial to children who didn’t shed; while their dad, Isaac, liked Achoo best because he preferred children who could double as a comforter in a pinch.

 Jacob was a napper

One day, on his way to visit his relatives, Jacob  saw a nice, big, fluffy stone (which in those days was called a pillow) and lay down to take nap.  He dreamed God’s angels were going up and down on an escalator (which in those days was called a ladder).

Jacob's Ladder

In the dream, God told Jacob he was going to give him lots wives and kids and animals and slaves, which made Jacob so happy he told God he would kick back ten percent of his profits to Him.

When Jacob woke up from his dream, he consecrated his nice, big, fluffy rock pillow to God by pouring some consecrating oil on it which he always carried with him for impromptu consecratings.

One night, Jacob decided to take his family camping at the God Campgrounds down by the Jabbok River.  So Jacob’s two wives, two concubines and his eleven children all crammed into the family ox cart.  Jacob also brought along all his cattle, donkeys,  sheep,  goats, and slaves.  Jacob was a notorious over-packer.

An Angel Picks a Fight

That night Jacob realized it was going to be way to noisy to sleep so he sent his family and his animals and his slaves across the Jabbok river.  Then he fluffed up his rock and was just drifting off when an angel wearing a wrestling outfit showed up.

Jacob:  May I help you?

Angel:   I came to wrestle you.

Jacob:  Wrestle me? I haven’t wrestled since high school.

Angel:  You never forget how.  It’s like riding a bike.

Jacob:  Okay, give me a sec while I change into my wrestling garb.

Angel:  Why did you bring your wrestling garb if you haven’t wrestled since high school?

Jacob: I like to be prepared, okay?  You got a problem with that?

Angel:  Well besides being three-sizes too small,  your wrestling garb has consecrating oil stains all over it.  I’m going to have to wrestle you to the ground just because you look so stupid.

Jacob:  Oh yeah wing boy?  Bring it!

Jacob then proceeded to get the angel in a half-nelson and started plucking out his feathers. The angel immediately cried uncle but when Jacob let go, the Angel sucker punched Jacob and dislocated Jacob’s hip.  (The blow would have shattered Jacob’s hip if Jacob wouldn’t have been such a big believer in calcium supplements.)

"One two cha cha cha"
“One two cha cha cha”
“What are you doing? We’re supposed to be wrestling.”
“What? I can’t even have fun with it?”

Angel:  Okay okay you win, Jacob.  You can stop plucking out my feathers now!

Jacob:  Not until you bless me!

Angel:  I can only bless you if I change your name to Israel first.

Jacob:  Why?

Angel:  Because that’s my favorite name, but I also like Karen.  Would you rather be Karen?

Jacob:  Fine.  Call me Ishmael.

Angel:  You mean Israel?

Jacob:  Whatever.

After the match, Jacob realized that the angel he had just wrestled with was God, and that Jacob had seen the face of God and yet he was still alive! So Jacob decided to name the place upon which he and God had wrestled,  Peniel — which means “Thank God for Calcium Supplements.”

"What are you doing, Karen?" "Stetching. And don't call me Karen."
“What are you doing, Karen?”
“Stretching. And don’t call me Karen.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory learned in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

How to Be An Effective Parent Using Only the Word “Bingo”

How to be an Effective Parent Using Only the Word Bingo

Kid:   I want a new skateboard.

Parent:   Bingo!

Kid:  So can I have $80?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  Do you want me to clean my room first or something?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  Ok, I cleaned my room.  Can I have the money now?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  Ok, you want me to get your purse?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  So where’s the money?  Don’t you have $80?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  Well, you should have said so in the first place because I wouldn’t have cleaned my room if I would have known you didn’t have any money.

Parent:  Bingo!

Crochet Your Way to Happiness!

Welcome Dear Readers! Here is a 1984 crocheting booklet that I was lucky enough to score at the thrift shop yesterday! YES! (Okay, nobody else wanted them, but still!)

Let’s Look Inside Annie’s Pattern Club Newsletter!

Humorous 80's commentary
Isn’t it  inexplicably wonderful?

Annie’s Pattern Club was (or possibly still is) a newsletter where mega-talented crocheters crocheted something original and then sent the pattern to Annie, and she would publish the cream-of-the-crop designs her newsletter.

And as you will see, never have so many people come up with so many crocheted solutions for so many things that were never a problem  in the first place.  Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Crocheted Football Mitts

Crocheted Football Mitts. Why didn't they ever "catch" on? Why?
“Gosh!  I don’t understand it.  Billy went to play football with the guys and he didn’t take his  Crocheted Football Mitts I made him.”
“Well that’s weird, maybe he didn’t want the rest of the players to feel bad because they don’t have a pair of Crocheted Football Mitts.”
“You know you’re probably right. I’ll get busy and crochet some mitts for the whole team!”
 

Church Puppet

Storybook Puppet
Need: Attention Getting Device to Keep Children Focused on Bible Stories.
Crocheted Solution: A church puppet, not to be confused the a church pulpit. (Although, a dust cozy for a church pulpit probably would have  made it into Annie’s Newsletter too.)  But what better way for little children to learn about the bible than through the crocheted lips of this memorable, but-not-in-a-good-way church puppet.  Oh sure it might give the little tikes nightmares, but they’ll certainly never forget the experience (no matter how hard they try).

Lil Guy Tie

Little Guy Tie
“Oh no Helen! I can’t find little Billy’s tie anywhere, and we’re going to be late for the formal occasion for which toddler formal attire  is required. What ever shall I do?”
“Don’t worry, Madge! While you were blabbing on and on just now, I knitted Little Billy a tie, a pair of football mitts and a church puppet.”
“Oh Helen I’m blown away!  Maybe you could crochet me something to wear to a formal occasion while you’re at it.”

What to wear to a formal occasion in the 80’s

Formal ocassion attire 80's style
“Here’s some formal attire I knitted for you while you were blowing your nose, Madge. I think it’s perfect for any formal gathering don’t you?”
“DO I! I’ll be the talk of the town wearing this outfit, Helen. Thank you!”
“You are so welcome, Midge!”
“Uh my name’s Madge.”
“Yeah whatever.  And remember, I’m only loaning you my hat!”

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Now get out there and crochet your hearts out!

Until next time . . . I love you

Let’s Poke Fun at Album Covers

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today, let’s do something we haven’t done in a while.  Let’s poke fun at albums covers!  Let’s start with this one:

William Holden the World of Suzie Wong

William Holden was a major movie star in the 50’s and 60’s and possibly even the 70’s.   I’m not much of a researcher as I prefer to make up my own facts to save time, but anyway my point is — William Holden can’t paint!

Notice how that outfit Suzie is wearing isn’t anything like the one Bill is painting?  (You don’t mind if I call him, Bill, do you?)  Also, Bill doesn’t look very committed to the task.  I have a feeling he’s holding a bottle of vodka in that hand we can’t see.  Don’t you think so, Bill? (You don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?)

I don’t know how William Holden died, but a long time ago, I remember seeing a sign in someone’s bathroom that said “William Holden Slipped Here.”  So I have a feeling his death was rather untoward.

Which is why we won’t go into it here, Bill,  as this is a humor blog, and, as such, steers clear of unpleasant topics unless it’s  laugh out loud funny like, say, the always popular topic of baby eating.  But I digest . . .

Oh and you can’t see it, Bill, but on the very top of this album in the  left right no left oh who cares corner,  it says this album was  recorded in “New Orthophonic” high fidelity.  Which I guess means it’s for people who have to wear shoes on their ears for medical reasons.  (Not really, I’m just making that up . . . at least I think I’m making it up . . .what do you think, Bill? )

Let’s move on to the super-cheery Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem, shall we, Bill?

The Clancy Brothers

Okay, Bill, which one do you think is Tommy Makem?  They all look alike to me, Bill.  Do you think that maybe Tommy Makem is a Clancy half-brother?  Maybe he’s the brother nobody knew about until Tommy came a’knockin’ at the door one day with a big announcement?  A big announcement that . . . well  we won’t go into that unpleasantness here, Bill,  as this is supposed to be a humor blog and as such steers clear of topics about things like, say, the  illegitimate makin’ of  Tommy Makems.

Apparently, if one can believe the album blurb,  the Clancy Brothers are Irish. There’s no mention of what Tommy Makem is.  Who cares?  He’s really starting to get on The Clancy Brothers’  nerves anyway.  In fact, I think even though this album is called The First Hurrah!  I have a feeling it’s The Last Hurrah! for poor ol’  illegitimate half-brother, Tommy Makems, don’t you think Bill?

But, Bill,  let’s not worry about such things now, Let’s move on instead to An Hour of Tchaikovsky!

An Hour of Tchaikovsky

Okay, don’t look now, Bill, but this Tchaikovsky Groupie seems to have  her hand hopelessly stuck in her hairdo!  Naturally, she’s confused because she only used seven cans of  hairspray on her hair  —  when she usually applies 43! ( Apparently Tschaikovsky’s been getting into the hairspray cabinet again, what are we going to do with him, Bill?)

But not to worry, she is still managing to keep her composure.  How?  Well, thanks to the magic of eight gallons  of foundation and 3 pounds of eye shadow, three-quarters of a pound of lipstick and half a pound of potato salad.  No  wait . . . that was her lunch.

Okay, well as you can see, Bill, I’m starting to get confused. So I guess it’s just as well that we are  completely out of Album Cover, fun-poking time!  Gosh where does the time go? Where, Bill?  Where?

Until next time . . . I love you