Welcome Dear Readers! Today, let’s do something we haven’t done in a while. Let’s poke fun at albums covers! Let’s start with this one:
William Holden was a major movie star in the 50’s and 60’s and possibly even the 70’s. I’m not much of a researcher as I prefer to make up my own facts to save time, but anyway my point is — William Holden can’t paint!
Notice how that outfit Suzie is wearing isn’t anything like the one Bill is painting? (You don’t mind if I call him, Bill, do you?) Also, Bill doesn’t look very committed to the task. I have a feeling he’s holding a bottle of vodka in that hand we can’t see. Don’t you think so, Bill? (You don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?)
I don’t know how William Holden died, but a long time ago, I remember seeing a sign in someone’s bathroom that said “William Holden Slipped Here.” So I have a feeling his death was rather untoward.
Which is why we won’t go into it here, Bill, as this is a humor blog, and, as such, steers clear of unpleasant topics unless it’s laugh out loud funny like, say, the always popular topic of baby eating. But I digest . . .
Oh and you can’t see it, Bill, but on the very top of this album in the leftrightno left oh who cares corner, it says this album was recorded in “New Orthophonic” high fidelity. Which I guess means it’s for people who have to wear shoes on their ears for medical reasons. (Not really, I’m just making that up . . . at least I think I’m making it up . . .what do you think, Bill? )
Let’s move on to the super-cheery Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem, shall we, Bill?
Okay, Bill, which one do you think is Tommy Makem? They all look alike to me, Bill. Do you think that maybe Tommy Makem is a Clancy half-brother? Maybe he’s the brother nobody knew about until Tommy came a’knockin’ at the door one day with a big announcement? A big announcement that . . . well we won’t go into that unpleasantness here, Bill, as this is supposed to be a humor blog and as such steers clear of topics about things like, say, the illegitimate makin’ of Tommy Makems.
Apparently, if one can believe the album blurb, the Clancy Brothers are Irish. There’s no mention of what Tommy Makem is. Who cares? He’s really starting to get on The Clancy Brothers’ nerves anyway. In fact, I think even though this album is called The First Hurrah! I have a feeling it’s The Last Hurrah! for poor ol’ illegitimate half-brother, Tommy Makems, don’t you think Bill?
But, Bill, let’s not worry about such things now, Let’s move on instead to An Hour of Tchaikovsky!
Okay, don’t look now, Bill, but this Tchaikovsky Groupie seems to have her hand hopelessly stuck in her hairdo! Naturally, she’s confused because she only used seven cans of hairspray on her hair — when she usually applies 43! ( Apparently Tschaikovsky’s been getting into the hairspray cabinet again, what are we going to do with him, Bill?)
But not to worry, she is still managing to keep her composure. How? Well, thanks to the magic of eight gallons of foundation and 3 pounds of eye shadow, three-quarters of a pound of lipstick and half a pound of potato salad. No wait . . . that was her lunch.
Okay, well as you can see, Bill, I’m starting to get confused. So I guess it’s just as well that we are completely out of Album Cover, fun-poking time! Gosh where does the time go? Where, Bill? Where?
Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois crossed the lobby of the Eiffel Tower and all eyes drank of her beauty like they were drinking a tumbler of Chardonnay after eating a dry, 16-inch baguette.
But no eyes drank more than Benny Flump’s. Benny’s eyes were bigger than his stomach when it came to beautiful French women, and Benny thought Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois the most beautiful creature he had ever mispronounced.
They would marry!
At the top of the Eiffel Tower she said, “I do.” Benny replied “adieu” and then jumped.
Benny Flump’s linguistic skills left a lot to be desired which I guess I should have said in the first place.
Hello Dear Readers! It hit me like a ton of bricks that this blog has never taken it upon itself to discuss fashion. I’m so embarrassed I can’t even tell you! So without any further delay, here are some outfits that this blog highly recommends:
The I Wanna Hold Your Hand If I Can Find It Sweater
Say goodbye to those inferior two-arm sweaters once and for all, Dear Readers! Having to put your arms in the same old arm holes day after day is for suckers. This sweater will revolutionize your world especially if you happen to be a Type A personality! Now you can vacuum with one hand, and drink a glass of milk with the other — all while your sweater is hugging people goodbye!
The outfit that makes you want to dance!
Are you tired of only looking like a million bucks from the front, but then when you turn around to leave, you look like a buck fifty? Looking bad from the back is for suckers! Here’s an ensemble that will revolutionize how you look at 360 degrees 24/7/365. You’ll be so happy you’ll want to dance everywhere you go!
It’s Not Just an Outfit; It’s a Pot Holder!
Are you tired of always misplacing your pot holders and not being able to find them so you use your bare hands instead to remove that roast from the oven and end up in the burn unit at your local hospital? Being in the burn unit is for suckers! Here’s an outfit that will revolutionize oven safety. All you need now is a strong set of abs so that everything in the oven can be removed with your stomach all while, at the same time, making you look quite fetching!
Twin Outfits for Twins Who Don’t Want to Look Alike Because They Aren’t Twins
Are you tired of being mistook for your twin when you don’t even have a twin? Getting mistook for your twin is for suckers! These outfits will revolutionize individualism. Whether your style is to sneak into the park wearing a sailor hat in the dead of night to pick every single daffodils just cuz — or whether your style is more along the lines of a wanna-be 1903 motorist adventurer with a bad attitude, these outfits scream I AM NOT A TWIN! And if that doesn’t make the people in your life want to re-think their relationship with you, nothing will!
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this blog’s fashion recommendations. Please accept my apology for having waited so long to get around to it!
Good news, Dear Readers! The Drawing Lady, everybody’s favorite tortured art teacher, is going to teach us how to draw a portrait of Louie XIV of France!
But please remember that The Drawing Lady has only recently recovered from the last lesson she gave us — when we made her so frustrated with all our questions and bad drawings — that she felt compelled to jump from the sixth story art school window — breaking every bone in her body.
She’s since recovered but– . . . oh here she comes now . . . remember best behavior everyone . . .
The Drawing Lady, everybody’s favorite tortured art teacher
Today The Drawing Lady will be teaching us how to draw a portrait of Louie XIV of France. Perhaps, Dear Readers, you are asking yourselves why Louie the XIV of France and not a rock or a fence or a horse?
Dear Readers! What did we just talk about? You are upsetting the Drawing Lady already with all your questions! The Drawing Lady would simply like you to draw this portrait of Louie XIV of France to the best of your ability.
The Drawing Lady says now you try:
Like this, Drawing Lady? Is this good, Drawing Lady? Does this look like Louie XIV of France, Drawing Lady? Did we get the expression in the eyes right, Drawing Lady?
Dear Readers, The Drawing Lady is acknowledging that you have attempted to draw Louie XIV, but that is all. She has begun hyperventilating ever so slightly and implores you to try harder, much much harder.
The Drawing Lady would like you to try again by drawing this portrait of Louis XIV by Rigaud:
The Drawing Lady says now you try:
Like this, Drawing Lady? Is this good, Drawing Lady? Did we produce a distinctive aesthetic experience for you, Drawing Lady? Do you like the way we drew his legs, Drawing Lady?
Dear Readers! The Drawing Lady has taken a break from her hyperventilating to swear a blue streak! She cannot believe how poorly you have drawn the example! The Drawing Lady absolutely insists that you put more umph into it this time or she’ll . . . well let’s not think about what she’ll do.
The Drawing Lady would like you to try your very best to draw this portrait of Louie XIV in battle.
The Drawing Lady says now you try:
How’s this Drawing Lady? Did we get the horse’s feet right, Drawing Lady? Do you think we were able to capture his generosity of spirit, Drawing Lady?
Dear Readers, the Drawing Lady is currently screaming into a pillow and therefore cannot answer your question bombardment. She is giving you one last chance to redeem yourselves, Dear Readers, by drawing this portrait of baby Louie XIV of France or she’ll . . . or she’ll . . . well, let’s not think about “or she’ll’s.”
The Drawing Lady says now you try:
How this Drawing Lady? Do you think the flower is impassioned, Drawing Lady? Why are you opening the window, Drawing Lady? . . . Drawing Lady? . . . Drawing Lady? . . .
Dear Readers, I regret to inform you that the Drawing Lady has exited the building via her usual way —by plunging from The Drawing Lady School of Art’s sixth story window.
I know it’s hard to believe, but after carefully examining the above peculiarly worded cookbook from the 1960’s — it quickly became apparent to me that this is not a cookbook at all, but, in actuality, is a scientific study of the human race conducted by aliens from the planet Zorin!
Shall we turn to the first page?
Sandwiches for the Small Fry
As you can see by this heading, the aliens are going to great pains to make us believe that they have full command of English language idioms. Apparently they think these children are idioms. Apparently they think the entire human race are idioms!
The aliens go on to explain to their fellow Zorinians that sandwiches in the small fry’s “carried lunch” should be “made of bread” and that fruit should be eaten out of the small fry’s “hands” and that “milk should be sent from home in a small vacuum bottle”.
The aliens stressed that Zorinians should not confuse “Small Frys” with “small order of fries” even though both are equally delicious.
Let us move on (quickly!):
Taste Tempters for Teens
After much concentrated study, the aliens have ascertained that this is a fair representation of the typical eating behavior of the human “teen”. And they go on to state that “teen-agers are a mystery” — adding that “boy or girl their appetites are immense” even “staggering.” The report emphasizes that human “teenagers” have a “bottomless appetite” and an “endless thirst.” Information that probably raised a Zorinian eyebrow or two (or seven).
The aliens were careful not to get too close.
Next the aliens attempt to enlighten Zorinians about the mystifying behavior of:
As you can see from this heading, when it comes to alliteration, the aliens are definitely on-board the human-language train! Even going so far as to use the word, “packables”. Well they aren’t billions of years more advanced than us for nothin’!
At first, the aliens were in total disarray as to what the father figure pictured above was doing. But after intensified study, the aliens came to the conclusion that this particular human being’s lower appendages had collapsed by a whopping fifty percent (perhaps from carting around Picnic Packables?) and when that happens, human beings must squeeze a circular object with their “hands” for prolonged periods of time in order to restore proper appendage positioning.
The aliens got a good laugh out of this one!
Well that’s all we have time for today, Dear Reader, but rest assured there are plenty more Secret Studies by Zorinians about the Human Race hiding within the pages of 1960 cookbooks and I plan to expose every single one of them or be abducted trying!