Nine California Earthquake Survival Tips

Welcome Dear Readers!  As you may have heard, California has been undergoing a series of strong earthquakes in California’s on-going journey to become the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

Whether you live in California or are just planning a vacation here, it is this  blog’s civic duty to provide some tips on what to do should you find yourself in the middle of a California earthquake.

 California Earthquake Survival Tips

Scream!  If that doesn’t stop the earthquake, place your hands over your eyes and scream louder.

Don’t batt an eye.  (Recommenced for native Californians only)

If you are inside run outside (unless of course it looks like  rain).

If you are at Starbucks, scream — then run around in circles taking care not to spill your latte on any celebrities.

Drop to the floor and roll around — especially if you happen to be on fire. (Don’t forget to scream)

Hyperventilate but as attractively as you can.

Quickly snap selfie of “You Doing Earthquake” 

Grab your California Earthquake survival pack and scram.  

Your California Earthquake survival pack should contain the following essentials:

  • Teeth whitener
  • Your own bags
  • Map to nearest In-N-Out
  • Your guide to recycling
  • Surfboard
  • Whole Foods rewards card
  • Sunscreen
  • The phone number of your acupuncturist, your life coach and your cat channeler
  • Essential Oils
  • Salad

 

Well, there you have it, Dear Readers!  Hope this helps.  Stay safe!

Until next time, I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s Poke Fun at Album Covers

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today, let’s do something we haven’t done in a while.  Let’s poke fun at albums covers!  Let’s start with this one:

William Holden the World of Suzie Wong

William Holden was a major movie star in the 50’s and 60’s and possibly even the 70’s.   I’m not much of a researcher as I prefer to make up my own facts to save time, but anyway my point is — William Holden can’t paint!

Notice how that outfit Suzie is wearing isn’t anything like the one Bill is painting?  (You don’t mind if I call him, Bill, do you?)  Also, Bill doesn’t look very committed to the task.  I have a feeling he’s holding a bottle of vodka in that hand we can’t see.  Don’t you think so, Bill? (You don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?)

I don’t know how William Holden died, but a long time ago, I remember seeing a sign in someone’s bathroom that said “William Holden Slipped Here.”  So I have a feeling his death was rather untoward.

Which is why we won’t go into it here, Bill,  as this is a humor blog, and, as such, steers clear of unpleasant topics unless it’s  laugh out loud funny like, say, the always popular topic of baby eating.  But I digest . . .

Oh and you can’t see it, Bill, but on the very top of this album in the  left right no left oh who cares corner,  it says this album was  recorded in “New Orthophonic” high fidelity.  Which I guess means it’s for people who have to wear shoes on their ears for medical reasons.  (Not really, I’m just making that up . . . at least I think I’m making it up . . .what do you think, Bill? )

Let’s move on to the super-cheery Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem, shall we, Bill?

The Clancy Brothers

Okay, Bill, which one do you think is Tommy Makem?  They all look alike to me, Bill.  Do you think that maybe Tommy Makem is a Clancy half-brother?  Maybe he’s the brother nobody knew about until Tommy came a’knockin’ at the door one day with a big announcement?  A big announcement that . . . well  we won’t go into that unpleasantness here, Bill,  as this is supposed to be a humor blog and as such steers clear of topics about things like, say, the  illegitimate makin’ of  Tommy Makems.

Apparently, if one can believe the album blurb,  the Clancy Brothers are Irish. There’s no mention of what Tommy Makem is.  Who cares?  He’s really starting to get on The Clancy Brothers’  nerves anyway.  In fact, I think even though this album is called The First Hurrah!  I have a feeling it’s The Last Hurrah! for poor ol’  illegitimate half-brother, Tommy Makems, don’t you think Bill?

But, Bill,  let’s not worry about such things now, Let’s move on instead to An Hour of Tchaikovsky!

An Hour of Tchaikovsky

Okay, don’t look now, Bill, but this Tchaikovsky Groupie seems to have  her hand hopelessly stuck in her hairdo!  Naturally, she’s confused because she only used seven cans of  hairspray on her hair  —  when she usually applies 43! ( Apparently Tschaikovsky’s been getting into the hairspray cabinet again, what are we going to do with him, Bill?)

But not to worry, she is still managing to keep her composure.  How?  Well, thanks to the magic of eight gallons  of foundation and 3 pounds of eye shadow, three-quarters of a pound of lipstick and half a pound of potato salad.  No  wait . . . that was her lunch.

Okay, well as you can see, Bill, I’m starting to get confused. So I guess it’s just as well that we are  completely out of Album Cover, fun-poking time!  Gosh where does the time go? Where, Bill?  Where?

Until next time . . . I love you

Superman’s Other Weaknesses


FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie

 

Until next time . . . I love you

A Mini-Bedtime Story for Grown-up Children

One Day at the Eiffel Tower

 

Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois crossed the lobby of the Eiffel Tower and all eyes drank of her beauty like they were drinking a tumbler of Chardonnay after eating a dry, 16-inch baguette.

But no eyes drank more than Benny Flump’s.  Benny’s eyes were bigger than his stomach when it came to beautiful French women, and Benny thought Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois the most beautiful creature he had ever mispronounced.

They would marry!

At the top of the Eiffel Tower she said, “I do.”  Benny replied “adieu” and then jumped.

Benny Flump’s linguistic skills left a lot to be desired which I guess I should have said in the first place.

The End

leaping from Eiffel Tower

Linda’s Fashion Recommendations

Hello Dear Readers!  It hit me like a ton of bricks that this blog has never taken it upon itself to discuss fashion.  I’m so embarrassed I can’t even tell you!  So without any further delay, here are some outfits that this blog highly recommends:

 The I Wanna Hold Your Hand If I Can Find It Sweater

awkwardly posing in a sweater
“Who can’t put their arms around a four-arm sweater?”

Say goodbye to those inferior two-arm sweaters once and for all, Dear Readers!  Having to put your arms in the same old arm holes day after day is for suckers.  This sweater will revolutionize your world especially if you happen to be a  Type A personality!  Now you can vacuum with one hand, and drink a glass of milk with the other — all while your sweater is hugging people goodbye!

The outfit that makes you want to dance!

A woman in a striped black and white sweater
Now you can look just as good leaving as you did coming!

Are you tired of only looking like a million bucks from the front, but then when you turn around to leave, you look like a buck fifty?  Looking bad from the back is for suckers!  Here’s an ensemble that will revolutionize how you look at 360 degrees 24/7/365.  You’ll be so happy you’ll want to dance everywhere you go!

It’s Not Just an Outfit; It’s a Pot Holder!

Girl wearing a shirt and shorts out of potholders
Sexy Pot Holder Girl

Are you tired of always misplacing your pot holders and not being able to find them so you use your bare hands instead to remove that roast from the oven and end up in the burn unit at your local hospital?  Being in the burn unit is for suckers! Here’s an outfit that will revolutionize oven safety.  All you need now is a strong set of abs so that everything in the oven can be removed with your stomach all while, at the same time, making  you look quite fetching!

Twin Outfits for Twins Who Don’t Want to Look Alike Because They Aren’t Twins

women posing in sweaters and hats
Unidentical Twin Outfits

Are you tired of being mistook for your twin when you don’t even have a twin?  Getting mistook for your twin is for suckers!  These outfits will revolutionize individualism.  Whether your style is to sneak into the park wearing a sailor hat in the dead of night to pick every single daffodils just cuz — or whether your style is more along the lines of a wanna-be 1903 motorist adventurer with a bad attitude, these outfits scream I AM NOT A TWIN!  And if that doesn’t make the people in your life want to re-think their relationship with you, nothing will!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this blog’s fashion recommendations.  Please accept my apology for having waited so long to get around to it!

Until next time . . . I love you

Sample Chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m thinking about writing Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism. Here are some of the sample chapters I’ve come up with so far:

Chapter 1)

The day the cannibals ate my left foot without so much as a “howdy”

 

Chapter 2)

The day I would have been eaten by cannibals but luckily they were full

 

Chapter 3)

“You gonna eat the rest of that elbow?”  he asked.

 

Chapter 4)

Hello?!?  Next time ask before you eat the last explorer!

 

Chapter 5)

The day the cannibals ate every other finger on my right hand and still had room for Jello!

 

Chapter 6)

Cannibal Grammar:  I ate all the flesh today.  I ate all the flush yesterday

 

Chapter 7)

Cannibal Confessions:  Just between you and me, David Rockefeller needed salt  . . . 

 

Chapter 8)

Cannibal Weight Loss:  I lost ten pounds on a low-Fred diet!

 

Chapter 9)

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread and you

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but stay tuned for more sample chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism.

Until next time I love you (especially with ketchup)

Superman’s Other Weaknesses


FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie

 

Until next time . . . I love you