Whatnot Wednesday: Baby Eating

Biff Sock Pow over at his blog Biff Sock Pow has added a new challenge for us.  Go to his blog and check him out (but only if you like to laugh).  It’s called Whatnot Wednesday.  The rules are simple (ish).  Here they are:

How To Play Whatnot Wednesday

  1. Write a blog post entitled “Whatnot Wednesday” (it can be about anything)
  2. Add these guidelines to the bottom of your post
  3. Add a link to this post in your post
  4. Add the tag #WhatnotWednesday to your post
  5. Post your post
  6. In the comments below in my post, leave a link to your Whatnot Wednesday blog post
  7. See how many bullet points you an end with the word “post”
  8. Most of all …. HAVE FUN!

Today’s Theme:  Baby Eating and Whatnot

Welcome Dear Readers! Well it seems the time has finally come to talk about baby eating, a topic that some of you may find a tad offensive. However, for those of you brave enough to continue reading past this point, let’s dig in and talk about baby eating, shall we?

Cue the first slide:

Disaster-Being-eaten-Lion-eating-baby
NO! WAIT! Don’t eat my baby!  At least let me run home and get the ketchup first!

Is it just me, or does this woman look like she’s not really trying very hard to save her baby?  I mean, she could just reach over and pry the baby out of the lion’s mouth.  Maybe she could even get the lion to open his mouth on his own with a few “here kitty kitty’s.” But no.  Instead she looks like she’s about to say, “Wait here while I run home and get the rest of my children. I’ll be back in two shakes of a lambs tail and I’ll even bring the lamb for dessert.”

Cue the next slide:

Medieval-Mythology-Saturn-eating-babies
Excuse me honey, sorry to bother you while you’re . . . uh . . .  whatnot–ing, but can I have some money? The traveling baby-spice salesman is here.

Okay, here’s a mother who will clearly never make mother of the year.  She seems far more concerned with the fact that the window washer is squeegeeing the underside of her husband’s calf than with the fact that one of her babies is playing with a fire-breathing dragon while another one is being eaten whole by a farmer on his lunch break.

And don’t you get the feeling that the man at the gate just sold her a case of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt?

And the next slide please:

Mythology-Demon-Demon-eating-people1
These aren’t really babies he’s eating, but in keeping with our baby-eating theme, let’s just pretend they are, shall we?

Okay, here’s a baby eater that can’t even keep up!  He’s got babies coming out of his ears!  Clearly this baby eater has it all, wings, a full head (and body) of hair and a bellybutton that looks like Mickey Mouse. And even though he’s feasting on a baby, he still has rather kind eyes, don’t you think?

In fact, I have a feeling he’d make a better mother than the other mothers pictured above.  Maybe that why people babies  are lining up to be eaten by him — probably figuring that since they’re going to be eaten anyway — they might as well be eaten by a kind sort of monster — at least one who has a belly button shaped like Mickey Mouse.

Linda Vernon Humor Baby Eating
“Hey! Getting my leg bitten off isn’t even making me cry. Well that’s refreshingly unexpected!”

Whoa!  Here’s a baby eater that can clearly pack it away (and probably never gain a pound!).  He’s got no qualms about chowing down on a baby two-thirds his size. I just hope his eyes don’t prove to be bigger than his stomach and I just hope his stomach is able to handle an entire baby in one bite.

Nobody would eat a baby like this today.  The potential for choking is far to great! We can only assume that this man is competing in some sort of Medieval  baby-eating contest for which the prize is an all you can eat baby buffet.  Let’s just hope he’s got a big supply of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt on hand cause he’s gonna need it!

And that concludes this week’s Wednesday Whatnot post.  

 

 

Golf Commentary in a Universe Where Nobody Keeps Tract of Strokes, Yardage or Statistics

golf course grass

Commentator # 1:  There goes the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer.

Commentator # 2:  Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  He sure is good at golfing!

Commentator # 2:  He’s won the Masters like . . . a bunch of times.

Commentator # 1:  I know!  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  You can say that again!

Commentator # 1:  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  HAAAAAAAAA ha!

Commentator # 2:  ahhhh . . . but seriously remember that time the great legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, was playing in the Masters and he got up on the green and he eventually putted the ball into the hole?

Commentator # 1:  An Incredible moment!

Commentator # 2:  That will forever cement the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, in the annals of golf greatness.

Commentator # 1:  What will?

Commentator # 2:  The way he putted the ball into the hole at the Masters.

Commentator # 1:  Oh that!

Commentator # 2: Yeah what did you think we were talking about?

Commentator # 1:  I thought we were talking about his hair.

Commentator # 2: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 2:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 2:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 1:  Ahhhhh . . . .but seriously the truly noble thing about the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, is that he came from an ordinary background in which he didn’t have to overcome anything and yet he’s arguably the best golfer who has ever lived.

Commentator # 2:  What about Tiger?

Commentator # 1:  I said arguably.

Commentator # 2:  Oh, sorry  I didn’t hear that part.

Commentator # 1: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:   Ahhhh . . . . but seriously, do you know how many times the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has made a hole in one?

Commentator # 2:  Who would know something like that?

Commentator # 1:  I don’t know, but I bet it’s a bunch.

Commentator # 1:  Yeah probly.

Commentator # 2:  You mean probably?

Commentator # 1:  No.

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 2:  Yup.  There he goes the legendary golfer Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  I wonder where he’s going?

Commentator # 2:  Probably to the bathroom.

Commentator # 1:  You mean probly?

Commentator # 1: Yup!  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Linda’s Guide To Speedy Novel Writing

Hello friends and welcome to the post that is going to change your life! 

Have you ever wanted to be a bestselling novel writer but thought it was too complicated or would take too long?

Well think no more!  Renowned Bestselling Novel Writer Wannabe Linda Vernon will have you mastering the art of writing a bestselling novel before the end of this post.  After all, they don’t call her  Renowned Bestselling Novel etc. etc. for nothing!

So let’s begin, shall we?

Step One: Obtain a Vocabulary

To become a bestselling novel writer, the first thing you are going to need is   are  is some words.  Here are (or is) some common places where words can be obtained:

1) Coming out of people’s mouths

2) Written on books, pamphlets, and brochures.

3)  Scrawled on park benches

4)  Cash register receipts

5)  Government documents

6)  Under rocks

7)  Carved into trees

8)  Hidden in tattoos

9)  Crop Circles

10)  Menus

Now that you are an EXPERT on how to find words, the next thing you will need is a bucket in which to place the words you just obtained like I did:

Vocabulary I have managed to obtain.

Step Two:  Find a Lucky Charm

Bestselling authors have always known that to be successful, they must beg, borrow, or scrape off the bottom of someone’s shoe a lucky charm.

Renowned Bestselling Author Wannabe Linda Vernon suggests you purchase an authentic Evel Knievel Lucky Charm Coin that renowned stuntman, Evel Knievel, kept in his pocket each time he performed a motorcycle stunt.

Yeah, he did break every bone in his body every single stunt, but think what would have happened if he HADN’T been carrying his lucky charm!

Artist’s Rendering of the Evel Knievel Coin

Evel Knievel Coins are free*
*(But allow $32,000 for Shipping and Handling –seems like a lot but they are handled non-stop for a couple of months!)

Step Three: Dump and Title

Now that you have successfully obtained your words and ordered your lucky charm, it is now time to dump you Lil’ Bucket o’ Words onto the pages of your novel.  (Depending upon how quickly your computer copy and paste function works, this should take no more than one to two seconds.)

Now for the fun part!  Coming up with a title for your bestselling novel!

To save you time, Renowned Bestselling Novel Writer Wannabe Linda Vernon has taken the liberty of designing a One-Title-Fits-All-Genres book cover design she guarantees they won’t be able to pull off the bookshelf fast enough!

The Wind Has No Last Name?
by
Your name here!

And there you have it, dear reader/bestselling novel writer!  You are now a bona-fide Bestselling Novelist.  If you don’t feel any different, don’t worry, it might take a couple of hours before this post takes effect.

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown Up Children

Rule Britannia

Rear Admirable Rasputin Riboflavin pondered the particulars of his forearm and the freshly inked tattoo thereupon that read “Kendall Labra Forever.”  He had never been so full of regret in his life.

Rasputin looked over at Commodore Shutthedore who was sleeping on the floor. Oh balderdash! It had been another one of those nights!

One didn’t have to be Sherlock Holmes, to  grasp the extent of the reveling that occurred during the height of the euphoria at last night’s annual British Navy Tupperware party.

Rear Admirable Rasputin Riboflavin hated himself for what he had become.  A Tupperware fiend.  Some officers could take it or leave it.  But not Rear Admirable Rasputin Riboflavin. He could only take it.

If only he weren’t so hell bent on preserving his leftovers in perfectly-engineered containers with their alluring interchangeable lids.  If only he could be transported back in time, before he ever heard of Tupperware and before he ever met beautiful Tupperware Consultant, Kendall Labra, whose name was now engraved in his Rear-Admiral forearm forever.

A set of six, neatly-stacked Fridge Stackables lay at Rasputin’s feet.  They were blue — a shade of blue that reminded him of something.  But what?  The blue of the Indian Ocean on a clear day beneath a cloudless sky? Or perhaps the blue of a Singapore Blue tarantula lazing on a leaf in the late afternoon Malaysia jungle?

Oh who was he kidding?  Of course he knew that blue!  It was the blue of Kendall Labra’s tempestuous eyes, a blue that flashed like a set of 16-ounce turquoise tumblers the day she left him to run away with Jimmy VonJanuary — taking her entire Tupperware collection with her –and leaving nothing in her wake but Rasputin’s broken heart and lots of spoiled leftovers.

“Say old chap!” Commodore Shutthedore was awake now.  Hadn’t we best be getting back to the battleship? The war will be starting soon.”

Rear Admiral Rasputin Riboflavin nodded solemnly and unrolled his sleeve until Kendall Labra’s name disappeared.

Rear Admiral Battleship

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Linda’s Incomprehensive Guide to Exercise

Hello Dear Readers! Welcome to Linda’s Incomprehensive Guide to Exercise.  Let’s dig right in, shall we?

History of Exercise: 1950 to 1959

The only kind of exercises that existed in the 50’s were jumping jacks, deep knee bends and squats and nobody did them without being forced to do so by a P.E. teacher, a football coach or a drill sargent. Those were the good old days when people ate anything they wanted and only went for walks to commune with a pack of Salem Cigarettes.

walking in forest smoking Salems

“Gosh, honey, it’s really pretty here when the smoke clears!”

History of Exercise: 1960 to 1969-ish

In the 60’s, exercise  boiled down to a little globule  of a man named Jack LaLanne.  Every day millions of everyday women would stand in front of their television sets to watch tiny Jack LaLanne cutely dressed in a teeny-weeny, one-piece jumpsuit, doing deep-knee bends while singing the praises of vitamins and veggies.  He is still alive to this day but, unfortunately, has continued to shrink  little by little over the years and, sadly;  is now only visible through a microscope.

jack Lalanne in Tux
Here’s Jack trying not to shrink out of his tux.

History of Exercise: 1970-ish to 1980-something or other

Somewhere around in here we got Jane Fonda. Jane was a busy Seventies Gal running around in her shag haircut winning academy awards, making aerobic videos and being against the Viet Nam War.

Everywhere you looked there was Jane Fonda shagalistically shorn in her leotards and leg warmers stretching, reaching, pulling, clawing and cloying.  Looking back it was quite Hanoi-ing.  But she single-handedly started the Aerobics Craze so you have to hand it to her — or trip her whichever you prefer.

Can it get anymore Hanoi-ing?

History of Exercise: 1980-something to somewhere in the 90’s on up

Somewhere in here Richard Simmons skipped onto the scene. What Richard Simmons had going for him was a heart of gold combined with an uncanny ability to sweat to pop songs that weren’t popular anymore.

Richard won over the hearts of  Americans by crying tears of happiness about how he used to be fat but wasn’t anymore; and he didn’t want you to be fat anymore either because it made him cry because you’re so, so fat and he’s not fat anymore.

Lately however Richard Simmons seems to have fallen off the face of the planet . . . or was pushed.

Richard Simmons, Sweating Professionally Since 1979

Present Day Exercise: 2015 to To-Be-Determined

In the interest of brevity, let’s be brief.  Exercise today boils down to one word:   Bicycling.  But not the old-fashioned kind of bicycling we all knew and loved in the 1950’s.  When bike riding simply meant hopping on our bikes wearing jeans and a tee-shirts and riding around the block while smoking  Salem Cigarettes.

People in the country smoking salem cigarettes
“Hey, honey, I think somebody stole our bikes!”  “Don’t worry, they can take our bikes out of the country but they can’t take the Salem out of our lungs!”   “Oh, honey, I love you!”   “I love you too!”

Now Riding a Bike is Groovy!

There’s a new, groovy way of riding one’s bike called cycling.  When cycling one must take up an entire car lane and pretend that one can pedal as fast as a car.

This is hard to pretend without the proper “pretending apparel” called cycling apparel which is a necessary technical piece of equipment necessary to make you comfortable technically while pretending to ride your bicycle as fast as a car can go.

It also helps if you make a “vroom, vroom” noise under your breath as you pedal along.

Bicyclist in full cycling apparel.
” Vroom! Vroom! I’m a blur!”

The New Groovy way of riding bikes can be a bit dangerous in heavy traffic, sure, but not too worry.  For every bicyclist that is run over by a car, a pedestrian somewhere in the world is being run over by a bicyclist.  So you see, it all evens out in the end.

Until next time . . . I love you

Those Wacky Archaeologists Are At It Again!

Pottery Fragments Discovered by Archaeologists from China and France 

A team of Chinese archaeologists working side by side with a team of French Archaeologists and only sometimes getting in each other’s way,  have discovered pottery fragments in a cave in Maiden, China now thought to be 20,000 years older than the pottery fragments of the Chinese family who are currently living in the cave.

“The pottery was probably used to cook food and/or water in.” Dr. Wang Lung Wang has been interpreted as saying by French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques who claims to speak Chinese.

Pottery fragment of hunter gatherer who wasn’t very careful with his pottery.

“The pottery was used by hunter gatherers,” added Jacques Pierre Jacques, who holds a one-year Doctor of Archaeology Certificate from Yoplait Community College and who has been a leader in hunting and gathering pottery fragments of hunter gatherers for the last 37 years (except for the year he had to have his spleen removed).

In an unprecedented display of cooperation between French Archaeologists and Chinese Archaeologists, both teams agreed everyday during the excavation to order a large pepperoni pizza with olives and green peppers and split it so that both teams got exactly the same amount of slices.

The Oldest Known Rock Art in Britain Has Finally Been Discovered

A team of French Archaeologists led by renowned French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques, (see above) has stumbled upon the oldest known rock art in Britain.  After tripping over some pottery fragments in a cave in Shrapnailshire, England,  Jacques Pierre Jacques (who has a terrible time seeing in the dark) stumbled upon a rendering of either a mosquito or a bison — he is unable to ascertain which one for certain until the French Archaeologists Team flashlight arrives.

Cave drawing of a mosquito (or possibly a bison) thought to be either 20,000 or 72, 000 years old by Jacques Pierre Jacques.

Gold Coins of the Past

Thirty-Seven  ancient gold coins produced in Holland were discovered underneath some oily rags in the basement of 1515 Cherry Rose Lane, Ottoman, Canada by Renowned French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques while he was residing at the home of his brother-in-law, Pierre Jacques Pierre,  until some personal business of Jacques Pierre Jacques (which can all be explained) is cleared up.

Jacques Pierre Jacques estimates the coins to be worth somewhere in the neighborhood of  $25,000 in today’s dollars (Canadian).  The coins are thought to date back to the year 1732 because that is the year that is engraved on each of the coins; but Jacques Pierre Jacques insists on delivering the valuable coins, personally, to the lab for carbon dating.

Jacques Pierre Jacques has promised his brother-in-law that nothing untoward will happen to the gold coins on the way there and has even sworn as much on a stack of bibles that were produced shortly before the dawn of the middle ages.

Humorous Archaeology Happenings!

Last week in Ibuprofen, Germany,  a team of French Archeologists led by Jacques Pierre Jacques unearthed the grave of what they thought was going to be the remains of a viking pillager villager –but turned out, instead, to be the remains of Mrs.Gustav Heidelburg who was buried just last Wednesday.

A good laugh was had by all!

Until next time . . . I love you

Score One for Massaged Gums!

Hello Dear Readers!  I am delighted to report that  the other day, while I was milling around the thrift store, I came across this wonderful 1943 ad for Ipana Tooth Paste.   

It was so endearing, so inspiring, so downright uplifting that I just had share it with you! 

Traction Splint 1943

It seems feisty, first-aid, heroine, Kay Hunt was feeling pretty darn good about herself with her ability to whip up a traction splint as easily as she whipped up that batch of fudge last night —  just as she did every night . . . all alone . . .  with no one to talk to but her radio.

But in some sort of weird world war II gratitude, Kay Hunts’ traction-splint victim pointed out that she noticed — while Kay Hunt was taking two and a half hours to figure out how to tie a traction splint — that Kay Hunt didn’t brush her teeth  before leaving the house.

She even went so far as to tell Kay Hunt her dingy smile and pink toothbrush are the reason Kay Hunt couldn’t get a date — even though Kay has a perfect figure and looks like a movie star (but of course she didn’t say that last part out loud.)

Now instead of getting mad and wrapping that traction splint around her victim’s catty little neck, our once feisty first-aid,  heroine, Kay Hunt, became  instantly inconsolable.

Luckily, Kay’s friend who was wearing a military uniform — thus making her superior in intelligence, common sense, and personal hygiene — attempted to comfort Kay Hunt by pouring large quantities of salt in her wound and agreeing that Kay really did need to brush her teeth at least as good as  grade school children do and that nowadays the foods you eat won’t brush your teeth for you, which apparently used to be the case  prior to World War II.

Enter Creepy Dentist and Ipana Toothpaste

Kay Hunt star of 1943 toothpast Ad

So the next day our heroine Kay Hunt went to visit her oddly, creepy dentist who stood in such a way as to keep his distance from Kay lest he get a whiff of the air emanating from Kay’s . . . how to put this . . .  dingy smile.

He explained to Kay (from across the room) that in order to get a date Kay will have to massage her gums with Ipana Toothpaste in order to stimulate them!  Who knew? (Certainly not Kay!)

And boy did Kay feel sheepish having to be told this by her creepy dentist!  But sure enough Kay went right home and massaged her gums ad nauseum!

The next thing you know,  our feisty, first-aid heroine, Kay Hunt’s gums were so very, very massaged that she became a huge hit with the all branches of the armed services.

“I can thank this new-found smile of mine for winning me a military escort and a naval convoy!”  gushed our feisty, first-aid heroine, Kay Hunt.

And that, Dear Readers is  how our feisty, first-aid, world war II heroine, Kay Hunt, became a very, very busy girl for the rest of World War II.

Until next time . . . I love you

How to Drink a Caster Oil Sandwich in 1949

I found this little 1949 booklet at the thrift store the other day.

Apparently, back in 1949, before Facebook was invented, people had to make friends with whomever (or whatever) they could scrape up.

Alright fine, but how hard up does a person have to be to count Pure Bicarbonate of Soda as one of their friends?

I’m talking to you people of 1949! What were you thinking making Bicarbonate of Soda your friend?  Hello?  . . . ok, fine don’t answer me.

I’ll make something up and say it’s true. That’s what you get for ignoring me!

Let’s start by pretending we live in 1949.  What else were you doing today anyway. (I mean besides pretending to be working.)

As you know, the first thing to do when pretending anything is to rush over to Google and start asking a lot of unnecessary questions:

What was the cost of a first class stamp in 1949?   

Google says: $.03
Who was the President of the United States in 1949?

Google says: “Harry S. Truman”
Why did Newfoundland join the Canada Confederation?   

Google says: “You’re joking right?”

How do you write 1949 in Roman Numerals?  

Google says: “Get outta here kid, ya bother me.”

Well apparently Google got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. So let’s try to conjure up 1949 by using this picture from 1951 that I found in my baby book and subtracting 2 years from it in our minds.

Checking to see if limbs are operable
Me and Mom (I’m on the right)

As you can see from this picture of me and Mom, 1949 was rather bleak, stark and dark. On the upside, they did have doilies (one) and lamps (one) and a window (one).

And even though you don’t see any “friends” in this picture, I’ll bet you anything if you were to go into the kitchen, you would have found Mom’s besty, Pure Bicarbonate of Soda, relaxing on the kitchen shelf, at the ready for Mom should she suddenly need Dear ol’ Carby.

OK, now that our minds are firmly ensconced in 1949, let’s just pretend something came up, and we are going to need our new BFF, Dear ol’ Carby, to come to the rescue.

Let’s say we were in need of . . . oh I don’t know maybe a . . . CASTER OIL SANDWICH?

Apparently back in 1949, there was some weirdness going on. First, that a Caster Oil Sandwich was actually on any menu at all, and second, that  it was a sandwich  you were suppose to :“Drink while effervescing.” 

I don’t know about you, but I rarely effervesce when I drink sandwiches . . . but that’s just me.

What’s say we toddle back  over to Google, shall we?  And let’s ask Google why anybody would want to drink a Caster oil Sandwich:

Under what circumstances would someone drink a Caster oil Sandwich?

Google says: “Get outta here kid, you bother me!”

Fine be that way!

If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen with Dear ol’ Carby preparing a Caster oil Sandwich for our new besty, Goog.

Eww!
Until next time . . . I love you

50 Billion Planets and I Can’t Find My Telescope!

The Daily Mail Online

The Daily Mail Online is a UK newspaper, and I love the way they say things:  Like today for instance.  There was a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow (in whom the UK is extremely interested) looks so slender and fit in her bikini, that she is the reason females all over the world are “weeping into their Snack a Jacks.”

People in the UK Say Things Differently

And did you know people in the UK don’t thumb through the paper; they “flick” through it? In the UK, a saggy butt is a “squishy bum” and English people never come over, they “pop over” instead.  But we would expect no less from the nation who brought us nursery rhymes.  Which is why I get all my news now from the Daily Mail Online.

Planets Galore

Today I read in the DM’s Science and Technology Section that scientists have estimated the number of planets in the Milky Way to be 50 billion. The jury is still out on how many in Snickers. (I’ve decided to finally use that Make a Lame Joke Get Out of Jail Free card I’ve been carrying around for years.)

Anyway, at the risk of coming off as flippant, I must respond to this 50 billion planet revelation with a resounding duh.

Heelllooo!  Internet to Scientists! 

Have you not noticed there is a little thing out there that Al Gore invented called the internet?  Do you not know that there are 50 billion websites dedicated to nothing but UFO’s, aliens and all things outer space-ishly freakish?

Perhaps I should type the rest of this post in baby talk for “certain people in our society who don’t get all their science information from UFO websites” but I’ll give them the benefit of the goo goo da da doubt.

First of all, anybody worth their weight in bandwidth knows that the queen of England is a Reptilian. 

 

As proof, here she is resisting the urge to lap up a fly with her tongue
Reptilianism

You see, my dear Scientific Community, Reptilians are blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from Alpha Draconic star system now hiding in underground bases in Hollow Earth and are doing mean things to people.

Obviously you woefully uninformed scientists need to read the writing on the crop circles.

Why do you men and women of science insist on always figuring out things the hard way?  You know, like reading things and writing things down, and crunching numbers and fooling around with test tubes and looking through telescopes and whatnot.

As the crop circle suggests get with it Dawgs! 

By the time you figure something out you’ll be dead.  Skip to the chase Dawgs and Dawgettes, get to the bottom line, or, as you UK scientists are fond of saying, the squishy bum!  We haven’t got time as The Race of Numbered Days to be monkeying around trying to figure things out the slow way.  Let’s just go with the hearsay and be done with it.

Stay with Me Here

Which means that everything we thought was true is false and everything we thought was false is true.  Stay with me here because I’m getting confused and I’m hoping you’ll be able to explain it to me later.

So Let’s Recap

The earth is a hollow ball located in the cosmos of Milky Way galaxy which may or may not be filled with a creamy nugget center but, either way, has reptile people writhing around inside of it taking turns pretending to be the queen of England. Oh, and there’s 50 billion more where that came from!

It’s enough to make you weep into your Snack a Jacks!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Sample Chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m thinking about writing Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism. Here are some of the sample chapters I’ve come up with so far:

Chapter 1)

The day the cannibals ate my left foot without so much as a “howdy”

 

Chapter 2)

The day I would have been eaten by cannibals but luckily they were full

 

Chapter 3)

“You gonna eat the rest of that elbow?”  he asked.

 

Chapter 4)

Hello?!?  Next time ask before you eat the last explorer!

 

Chapter 5)

The day the cannibals ate every other finger on my right hand and still had room for Jello!

 

Chapter 6)

Cannibal Grammar:  I ate all the flesh today.  I ate all the flush yesterday

 

Chapter 7)

Cannibal Confessions:  Just between you and me, David Rockefeller needed salt  . . . 

 

Chapter 8)

Cannibal Weight Loss:  I lost ten pounds on a low-Fred diet!

 

Chapter 9)

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread and you

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but stay tuned for more sample chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism.

Until next time I love you (especially with ketchup)

Today’s Theme: Baby Eating

Welcome Dear Readers! Well it seems the time has finally come to talk about baby eating, a topic that some of you may find a tad offensive. However, for those of you brave enough to continue reading past this point → •, let’s dig in and talk about baby eating, shall we?

Cue the first slide:

Disaster-Being-eaten-Lion-eating-baby
NO! WAIT! Don’t eat my baby!  At least let me run home and get the ketchup first!

Is it just me, or does this woman look like she’s not really trying very hard to save her baby?  I mean, she could just reach over and pry the baby out of the lions mouth.  Maybe she could even get the lion to open his mouth on his own with a few “here kitty kitty’s.” But no.  Instead she looks like she’s about to say, “Wait here while I run home and get the rest of my children. I’ll be back in two shakes of a lambs tail and I’ll even bring the lamb for dessert.”

Cue the next slide:

Medieval-Mythology-Saturn-eating-babies
Excuse me honey, sorry to bother you while you’re . . . uh . . .  whatever-ing, but can I have some money? The traveling baby-spice salesman is here.

Okay, here’s a mother who will clearly never make mother of the year.  She seems far more concerned with the fact that the window washer is squeegeeing the underside of her husband’s calf than with the fact that one of her babies is playing with a fire-breathing dragon while another one is being eaten whole by a farmer on his lunch break.

And don’t you get the feeling that the man at the gate just sold her a case of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt?

And the next slide please:

Mythology-Demon-Demon-eating-people1
These aren’t really babies he’s eating, but in keeping with our baby-eating theme, let’s just pretend they are, shall we?

Okay, here’s a baby eater that can’t even keep up!  He’s got babies coming out of his ears!  Clearly this baby eater has it all, wings, a full head (and body) of hair and a bellybutton that looks like Mickey Mouse. And even though he’s feasting on a baby, he still has rather kind eyes, don’t you think?

In fact, I have a feeling he’d make a better mother than the other mothers pictured above.  Maybe that why people babies  are lining up to be eaten by him — probably figuring that since they’re going to be eaten anyway — they might as well be eaten by a kind sort of monster — at least one who has a belly button shaped like Mickey Mouse.

Linda Vernon Humor Baby Eating
“Hey! Getting my leg bitten off isn’t even making me cry. Well that’s refreshingly unexpected!”

Whoa!  Here’s a baby eater that can clearly pack it away (and probably never gain a pound!).  He’s got no qualms about chowing down on a baby two-thirds his size. I just hope his eyes don’t prove to be bigger than his stomach and I just hope his stomach is able to handle an entire baby-leg in one bite.

Nobody would eat a baby like this today.  The potential for choking is far to great! We can only assume that this man is competing in some sort of Medieval  baby-eating contest for which the prize is an all you can eat baby buffet.  Let’s just hope he’s got a big supply of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt on hand cause he’s gonna need it!

And that concludes today’s baby-eating themed post.  And if you enjoyed it enough, perhaps there will be more Baby-Eating Themed posts in this blog’s future.

Until next time . . . I love you

I Hate My Linda Vernon Electronic Device Team

Hello Dear Readers!

Welcome to Friday where, if you happen to be in prison, you get to make a big, fat, red X on your prison calendar over today’s date — which has got to be the funnest thing there is to do in prison, don’t you agree?

I’m in Total Wing-It Mode

I’m totally winging it today, Dear Readers.  I don’t have any plan in mind for this post.  Well, yes, I did have a plan in mind when I first sat down at the computer an hour ago.

I was going to show you a picture of my broken glasses. (I broke my glasses).  Okay, a picture of my broken glasses is not the most fascinating thing to look at, sure, even if you are in prison, but at least it was a plan.

There’s Nothing Wrong with My Computer That a Little Murdering Wouldn’t Fix

Unfortunately I couldn’t get my Linda Vernon Electronic Device Team (LVEDT) to cooperate with me.  Try as I might, I couldn’t get the picture of my broken glasses I took on my Iphone to go to my email.

Oh sure, part of my LVEDT malfunction problems could be that I’ve never taken the time to actually learn how to operate them properly.  Unless one was charitable enough to call process of elimination button pushing “operating”. (But, of course, one probably isn’t that charitable, which is probably why one is in prison right now.)

You call that an instruction?

Part of the problem is I don’t like following instruction.  Nobody ever makes instructions fun to read.  What I want to know is who is telling me the instructions and what is motivating them to do so?  Do they live alone?  Do they have a family?  Have they ever seen a UFO? What about their drinking problem?

I mean, if there was just a tad bit more drama incorporated into instructions, I can honestly say that right now I would know how to properly operate my entire Linda Vernon Electronic Device Team and would probably be having drinks with the instruction writers right now. (Unless they were in prison.)

Buttons Buttons Everywhere

My problem is that every time I need to do something of an electronic-device nature, instead of reading the instructions, I simply launch into a fit of random clicking, selecting, resetting, yelling, unplugging, replugging, swearing, repeatedly pushing the on/off button, screaming (if the window is shut) and finally, when all else fails, damning them all to hell.

Let’s take a Post Break for a second:  Wouldn’t it be cool if you could reset your Ipad by turning it upside down and shaking it like an etch-a-sketch?  Okay now back to what we/I was talking about.

Anyway, Dear Readers, I fear I am turning into The Mommy Dearest of my Linda Vernon Electronic Device Team.

Time for another break from this post:  Maybe I should beat them all with a wire hanger!

But seriously, Dear Readers,  if my electronic devices should ever figure out how to write a tell-all book about me, I am completely screwed.

In fact, I’d probably be making a great big, fat, red X on my prison calendar right now, just like you are Dear Readers!

But hey!  Have a great weekend anyway!

Until next time . . . I love you

P.S. I promise to send you a cake with a file in it just as soon as I can get my Linda Vernon Electronic Device Team to uphold their iffy “send” claim.

Bizarre News from Around the World

Brazilian Man Survives Spearing Himself in the Head with a Harpoon

"It's either a tumor or a harpoon spear.  Let's run more tests just to be sure."
“Yes, I concur, doctor, that’s either a tumor or a harpoon spear. Let’s run more tests just to be sure.”

Brazilian, Bruno Coutinho, was cleaning his harpoon at home when he accidentally  speared himself through the head. The spear went into his left eye and lodged itself in the back of his cranium.   Bruno was still able to call for help, however.

When neighbors saw him they were horrified and reported that  they had only seen something like it in Brazilian movies.

Even though it took doctors ten hours to remove the spear,  they insist that Bruno’s brain function will not be anymore impeded than it already was to begin with, and that he will survive to clean his harpoon another day perhaps while watching Brazilian movies about Brazilian men accidentally spearing themselves in the head while cleaning their harpoons.

Unexploded Bomb Found in Kitchen Cupboard

"Hey guys!  Wait up!  I've got the first-aid kit!"
“Hey guys! Wait up! I’ve got the first-aid kit!”

Henry Southhall was giving a tour of the house he just bought in Porthmadog, when he opened the kitchen cupboard to find a bomb from World War II containing 16 pounds of explosives on the shelf he had been planning to keep his glasses and coffee cups on.

Bomb disposal experts rushed the bomb to a beach nearby and discharged it where they claim it left a big crater and could be heard from two miles away — as reported by one of the of the bomb disposal experts who was a real slow poke.

“I’m glad they found it when they did. I wouldn’t have wanted it going off when I was in bed upstairs.”  Southhall declared.  Who apparently has enough difficulty sleeping as it is.

Woman Eats 2500 Calories while asleep.

Bizarre news stories LInda Vernon Humor
Leslie Cusack round about 2 a.m.

Lesley Cusack is overweight not because she eats too much, but because she eats too much after she falls asleep every night.   Once Leslie goes out like a light, she goes right to the kitchen and gobbles down large amounts of food, and she doesn’t even know she’s doing it.

As Lesley is constantly telling people, she is powerless not to eat too much because of a genuine sleep related eating disorder which medical experts call  Sleep Related Eating Disorder. 

“I can only tell I’ve eaten anything by the remains in the morning.” Leslie recently swore on a stack of bibles and went on to explain,  “I tend to find opened tins of things or packets, and I’ve no idea whether I’ve eaten some of them cold or hot.”    Nor does Lesley have any idea whether she has enjoyed them.

The worst things Lesley is pretty sure she’s eaten while asleep are emulsion paint, Vaseline, cough syrup, raw potatoes and soap powder.  After exhaustively studying the situation, medical experts have suggested that perhaps Lesley should not store emulsion paint, Vaseline and cough syrup and soap powder in her refrigerator.

Giant Rodents on Steroids Being Sold as Poodles

poodle rodent Linda Vernon Humor
Yup! They look exactly alike! EXACTLY!!

A man in Argentina who purchased two toy poodles at a discounted price found out, after a visit to the vet, that he had actually been sold two giant rodents who were pumped up on steroids and trimmed to look like poodles.

Experts are still trying to ascertain how somebody could be that dumb and are investigating whether or not the man had recently been cleaning his  harpoon.

And there you have it Dear Readers, some Bizarre News from around the World!

Until next time . . . I love you

Hey It’s Friday! Let’s Dance Austrian Style!

Hello Dear Readers!  Well it’s Friday which means it’s time to fish something out of this blog’s archives in honor of this blog’s lazy streak!  Let’s see . . . oh here’s a blog about Austrian Folk Dancing to start your Friday off with a kick!

Save Room for Shuh

“Sometimes I just want to haul off and punch you!”
“What? But wwwhhhyyy?”

I found a wonderful Viennese Folk Dancing LP at the thrift store for us to examine more closely.  Let’s take a little look-see, shall we?

“Ya, we’re folk dancing, ya!”

The back of the album tells us that this collection of Viennese dance-songs are sung by Austrian man peasants while other Austrian peasants perform intricate Viennese folk dances.

Well, now!   Doesn’t that sound like a fine kettle of Neujahrsschießen?

I may not know much about the country of Austria, but that definitely doesn’t stop me from thinking I do.  Here’s my best guess about what the Viennese songs and folk dances might be about from what I can glean from their titles.

First up is the hauntingly beautiful Viennese Folk Song Entitled:

Hochzeitmarsch aus Ebensee (from Tanze)

This ironic folk dance opens with the Austrian peasant, Hoch, who is wading in the marsh when he becomes stuck in the mud clear up to his eben, see?  And a beautiful peasant girl, Aus from Tanze,  grabs him — and in a series of complicated twists — manages to free his eben, see?

The act of which paralyzes Hoch for the rest of his life, even though Hoch inexplicably retains the full use of his eben, see? Which is probably where the irony comes in but nobody is really sure what’s going on so maybe not.

Next is the surprisingly poignant:

Schuhplattler (from Bauernmusi)

Austrian Peasant, Mrs. Butterhorn, dances exuberantly past all the young maidens in the village of Bauernmusi carrying a large plattler of schuh.  The maidens  jump and twirl for joy as Mrs. Butterhorn carries her plattler of Schuh through the village square where they all gaily sit down at the annual Neujahrsschießen Feast!

Everybody partakes heartily and dies shortly thereafter from food poisoning which everybody blamed on a bad batch of Schuh.  Things are pretty much downhill from there on out.  If you ever decide to go to a live performance of Schuhplattler, definitely plan to leave at the intermission.

And finally, a story that is near and dear to all our hearts:

Guggu Polka

Of all the music and dancing performed on this LP, Guggu Polka is perhaps the most well-known.  We join our revelers just as Austria’s most famous seafaring explorer, Guggu Polka shimmies his way into town in celebration of his historic discovery that there is absolutely no way to get to the ocean from Austria.

His crew of 18 sailors do a fantastic kick line while dragging the would-be seafaring vessel christened The Hokey Pokey along behind them. Then the villagers put their right foot in and put their right foot out and that’s when Guggu Polka trips and dies.  It may not have a happy ending, but sometimes that’s what it’s all about.

Until next time . . . I Bauerngalopp you

“That’s the lamest high five I’ve ever seen.”

8″ People I Admire

Hello Dear Reader and welcome to today’s post where we will be taking  a look at 8″ people I admire.  Let’s start with:

The Musically Determined Little Johnny Carver

 Little Johnny Carver is only 8″ high, but did that stop him from becoming one of the most outstanding country artists of his time? With hits like Your Lily White Hands, New Lips and Don’t Monkey with Another Monkey’s Monkey under his tiny little belt, Itty-bitty Johnny Carver is taking all the right teeny-weeny steps to musical stardom!  Proving that no matter how small you start out, it is possible to become a huge success (figuratively speaking, of course!)  And so Johnny Carver, I drink a toast to you!

The Courageous Spoinky McSpecks!

The courageous life of 8″ high pizza delivery boy, Spoinky McSpecks is a tale of determination and bravery the likes of which has yet to be equaled in the pizza delivery world.  Risking his life up to 20 times a day, delivering pizzas and getting lousy tips (even though they are practically as big as he is), Spoinky remains steadfast to his mission while facing terrible dangers like getting tangled up in duct tape and other life threatening situations that is annoying to you and I — but is potentially fatal  to 8″ people!  And so I say:  Spoinky McSpecks I salute you!

Everybody’s Favorite 8″ Russian:  KhanIhazmy Chekplez

8″ virtuoso KhanIhazmy Chekplez has never let his small stature deter him from his dream of playing the lilting strains of the Extra-large Slavic Ukelele.  Oh sure, it’s a strain for him alright, both physically, mentally, and emotionally, but you’d never know it by the look on his face!  My hat’s off to you KhanIhazmy Chekplez!

These four 8″ people equal 32″ of fun!

Even though these four people,  when laid end-to-end, wouldn’t even reach the of a yardstick, that hasn’t dampened their enthusiasm one bit!   Here they are, merrily going about their bookkeeping duties using the same size pencils we normal sized people use without a care in the world even though the toll on their backs has to be tremendous!  And that is why I have to say to this fun loving group of 8 Inchers:  I applaud your ‘smarvelousness!

And there you have it, Dear Reader! The courageous lives of some very special 8″ people I admire!
Until next time . . . I love you