Month: April 2015

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Moses’s Trick Chiseling Elbow

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Moses helped the Lord set up and take down His holy tent.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Moses’s Trick Chiseling Elbow

One day while the Lord was on a camping trip relaxing in His Tent at Camp Holy Land, He decided to dictate to Moses exactly how he wanted His Sacred Stuff moved when it was time to break camp.  Moses chiseled down His instructions.

The Lord:  Moses, when it’s time to go I want Aaron, your brother, and his two sons to come inside My Tent and take down the curtain in front of the covenant box and cover the covenant box with it.

Moses:   . . . and cover box with it . . . got it.

The Lord:  And cover the covenant box with it . . . be sure to specify covenant.

Moses:  Yeah but I thought I could just shorten “covenant box” to “box” as my trick chiseling elbow is acting up again.

The Lord:  Do as I say, young man,  or I’ll give your trick chiseling elbow something to act up about, and I’m not just whistling Dixie!

Moses:   . . . not just whistling Dixie . . . got it.

The Lord:  No!  Don’t write that down you idiot!

Moses:   . . . don’t write that down you idiot . . .got it.

The Lord:  Oy!

Moses:   . . . Oy . . . got it.

The Lord:  After that, have Aaron and his sons put a blue cloth over the covenant box then put bread on top of  that and spread a red cloth over  that and then put a leather cover on top of that and insert the carrying poles. Did you get all that Moses?

Moses:  . . . hang on . . . did you get all that Moses . . . got it.

The Lord:  Hallelujah!

Moses:  Are there  three or four L’s in Hallelujah?  I’m guessing four?

Moses's trick chiseling elbow
“H. . .  A . . .  L . . . L . . . L . . .L? “

The Lord:   Then it’s just practically self explanatory from there on out. Have them put a blue cloth over the lamp stand and olive oil containers and spread a blue cloth over the gold alter and put a fine leather cover over that and then remove the greasy ashes over the alter and put a purple cloth over that and put all the fire pans, hooks, shovels and basins over that and then carry it all to the next location without touching any of the sacred objects or they will die, yadda yadda yadda.

Moses:   . . . yadda yadda yadda . . . got it.  Wait a minute Lord!  Did you just say they will die if they touch any of the sacred objects?

The Lord:  Correctomundo.

Moses:  Did I mention my brother, Aaron has a bad back?

The Lord:  Not to worry, I’m hiring the Starving Kohath Clan Movers to do all the heavy lifting but it is your responsibility, Moses, to make sure that they aren’t killed by coming near the most sacred objects. In fact, if they even see the priests preparing the sacred objects for moving they will die.

Moses:  . . . they will die . . . got it.  Can I go now?  I need to ice my trick chiseling elbow.

The Lord:  Yeah you can go in just a minute, but first do me a solid and take a census of Levite Clan, register all the men between the ages of thirty and fifty who were qualified to work in the Tent of the Lord’s presence and then after you do that,  you’ll need to chisel down who I want to carry what.

Moses: Can I at least have a break to eat my goat sandwich I brought from home?

The Lord:  Man does not live by bread alone.

Moses:  Yeah I know, Lord, hence the goat!

The Lord:  Don’t get smarty with me, young man!  Tell you what.  First, chisel down my instructions for disassembling My Tent. It’s pretty simple, it will only take about 14 hours to explain and then you can have a bathroom break.

14 hours later:

The Lord:  Okay Moses I think I’ve covered which part of my tent all 8,580 Levites will each be carrying from here to the next camping site.  Any questions?

Moses:  Yes. Can I ice my trick chiseling elbow now?  It hurts dreadfully.

The Lord:  Oh wait.  Speaking of dreadful,  I almost forgot. Before you go, Moses, I need you to expel everybody from Camp Holy Land who has a dreaded skin disease or a bodily discharge and also everyone who is unclean by contact with a corpse and then you can go home early.

Moses:    . . . contact with a corpse . . . got it.  And then can I ice my trick chiseling elbow?

The Lord:  Sure except . . .

Moses:  Except what?

The Lord:  I haven’t had a chance to create ice yet.  Sorry.

Moses:  Why I oughtta . . .

The Lord:  What was that, Moses?

Moses:  Nothing.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning. Please check back next week to find out what wonderful things Gregory will learn in Sunday School next week.

Until next time . . . I love you

Covenant Box table cloth

God's Big Feet

 

The Dark and Stormy April 15th Deadline

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,
“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents–except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

–Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

It’s April 15th, so go ahead and round-up all those remaining brain cells that have yet to be killed off and put them away in a safe place because you’re going to need only the dead ones for this next task.

That’s because April 15th is the deadline for the Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest, a competition sponsored by San Jose State, where contestants vie for the dishonor of writing the worst beginning sentence to an imaginary novel inspired the purple prose of Edward George Bulwer-Lytton.

Now since it was still a couple of days before the first day of the rest of my life, I decided to enter the Bulwer Lytton Fiction contest and guess what? Turns out I’m a horrible writer! So horrible, in fact, that out of 10,000 entries, my very bad sentence won the grand prize for the very crummiest of  them all!

My triumphant mess went as follows:

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically, but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank and due to and overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless and an appendix and as lonely as a 500-lb. barbel in a steroid free fitness center.

Now because I aspired to be a tad bit better than bad, I decided to sit down to my keyboard and make the following attempts to write at least one sentence that could possibly be considered “pretty good.”

Amanda’s obsession for making homemade bread for the entire neighborhood was beginning to take over her life, and as she sat at the kitchen table with her flour-covered face in her flour-covered hands, the warm sun shone steadily through the kitchen window and Amanda began to slowly rise up out of her chair — suddenly realizing that she needed to be kneaded.

and

Charlie dreamed that he was dreaming he was awake and had fallen asleep.

OK, truthfully, at this point, I was starting to get a bit nervous about being able to come up with a pretty good sentence. It seemed the harder I tried to write pretty good, the more elusive “pretty good” became. Frankly, serious doubts were beginning to pierce the ears of my soul. But still I forged onward:

Rayton, a fine Guppitoid from Repox VII couldn’t put his slimy little fingerling on why Jessica, an ichthyolgist’s dream, wouldn’t have him for her husband when he had made it abundantly clear that the only domestic duties she would have to perform would be to boost his ego and to bear him several million live young a year, which he was even willing to help her eat.

and

As soon as Mary got to her walk-up, she was held up, tied up, and told to shut up, but luckily the culprits were picked up, locked up and Mary was helped up and then she threw up.

Ah! Finally I was warmed up. But one thing was certain. If I was ever going to write that pretty good sentence, I needed to relax.

I began taking deep breaths, one after another until the last thing I remember was falling off my chair and hitting the floor like –what else — a 500-lb. barbel in a steroid-free fitness center.

Which brings me to the moral of this story:

She who enters the Bulwer Lytton can take a lick in’ and keep on tickin.

Hey now! That’s a pretty good sentence if I do say so myself. But my quest for a pretty good sentence does not end here. I’m going to keep at it until I come up with the perfect pretty good sentence. It may take awhile but, after all, I do have until the last day of the rest of my life, or April 15th — which ever comes first.

Until next time . . . I love you

Current Events Coloring Pages

Linda Vernon Coloring Pages , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers.  I think you’ll agree when I say that this world doesn’t need more current events.  What this world needs is more current events coloring pages.  To that end, this blog has taken it upon itself to provide coloring pages for today’s true news stories gleaned from around the world.

Computer Scientist Valery Spiridonov is set to become the first man in history to undergo a head transplant.

The 30-year-old suffers from Werdnig-Hoffman disease, a genetic muscle wasting disorder that has left him confined to a wheelchair.

Dr. Sergio Canavero thinks that he can successfully perform the head transplant and has announced that he will attempt the procedure within the next two years. But medical professionals have branded Dr. Sergio Canavero’s idea as completely nuts.

First Man in History to Undergo Head Transplant Coloring Page

Head Transplant Coloring Page

 

A Robot named Kirobo kept astronauts company during its 18-month stay aboard the space station.

In 2013, a robot named Kirobo spent 18 months in space before returning to Earth in February of this year.

During its stay, the robot was involved in numerous experiments and spent hours conversing with the astronauts.  Yorichika Nishijima said, “It’s sort of a symbolic project so people can understand how people interact with robots.

Kirobo Conversing With Astronauts For 18 Months Coloring Page

Japanese Robot Converses with astronauts in space station

 

A peculiar animal so strange Charles Darwin was baffled by it was unearthed in Uruguay 180 years ago. 

With the body of a horse, the legs of a camel and the nose of an elephant, this creature roamed the earth about 10,000 years ago. The bizarre species called a Macrauchenia Patachonica was a complete mystery to scientists at the time.

Now scientists, including specialists from the University of York and the Natural History Museum in London, have been able to use a technique called protein sequencing to determine that this bizarre species was actually a close relative of the horse.

The Scientifically Exact Rendering of What Scientists Believe the Marcrauchenia Patachonica Looked Like Coloring Page

the Marauchenia Patachonica

 

And that concludes the current affairs coloring pages for today, Dear Readers.

Until next  time. . . Happy Coloring