Cheering Up Edgar Allan Poe

Taking on the impossible task of trying to cheer up Edgar Allen Poe

 “Once upon a midnight dreary”

“OK, I’m going to stop you right there for a second, Edgar.  First of all, it’s midnight.  Light some candles, whip up a batch of fudge, invite some girls over YOUR OWN AGE.  Don’t just sit around and mope.”

 “While I pondered weak and weary”

“Frankly, if you’re too weak and weary to even PONDER, you really ought to consider taking some vitamins and working out a little.  I’ve told you a thousand times, if you’d just walk the circumference of the grave yard 4 times you will have walked a mile. 

“Over a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore”

“Oh so you’re not even going to acknowledge that I just said something?”

 “While I nodded nearly napping”

“Ok, listen, that’s a big part of your problem too. Who takes a nap at midnight?  No wonder you’re having trouble sleeping.”

“Suddenly, there came a tapping, as if someone gently rapping, tapping at my chamber door.”

“Why do you insist on scaring yourself like that?  What do you mean “as if” someone gently rapping or tapping (whatever) at your chamber door.   You’re over thinking it. There’s somebody at the door, that all.  It’s probably just your next door neighbors wanting to borrow another cup of laudanum.

“Can we borrow another cup of laudanum? We’re making stir-fry”
“Tis some visitor I muttered, rapping at my chamber door, merely this and nothing more.”

“Ya think? What did I just say? Have you not heard a single word of this conversation?”

“Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December”

“You know, if you’d just drop the adjective “bleak” from you vocabulary altogether, you’d probably be a lot better off. 
“And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor ”
OMG Edgar! You were stirring the fire and a few ashes fell on the floor! You’re such a Drama Queen!”

“Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow, from my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore”

“I hate to interrupt your little pity party here, Edgar, but I’m  pretty sure surcease isn’t even a word.”

“For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore – Nameless here forever more.”

“What are you talking about? Did you not just say that the angels named her Lenore? So she’s not nameless is she?  Ok, it’s clear you’re just wanting to wallow in self pity and you’re not listening to a word I’m saying.  Fine.  I’m leaving.”

Next time on Trying to Cheer up Edgar Allen Poe:

Edgar opens up about what it’s like to go through life having two belly buttons.

Until next time . . . I love you

Revenge of the Phonebots

Thank you for calling. We appreciate your business. This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance. Please hold for one of our Quality Assurance Customer Care Representatives.

Our Quality Assurance Customer Care Team

There will be a short survey at the end of this call for quality assurance purposes. There is currently a 2-minute wait for your Quality Assurance Care Representative. In order to properly route your call to better serve you, please enter your account number followed by the pound key.

We’re sorry we didn’t get that. Please enter your account number followed by the pound key.

"Please we're asking you nicely."

A bit of an attitude has been detected in the way you entered your account number followed by the pound key.

We are only asking for your account number for quality assurance purposes so that we may better serve you.

Please, it's for your own good."

For quality assurance purposes, please hold while we transfer you to a short survey about why you had an attitude when entering your account number followed by the pound key.

If you do not wish to take the short survey, please press 1 followed by the pound key.

You will be asked to take a short survey for quality assurance purposes about your pressing 1 just now.

If you didn’t want to take the short survey, you should have said so sooner. We have already wasted precious minutes that could have been used in pursuit of quality assurance so that we may better serve you.

"We are just trying to do our quality assurance duties."

We must insist that you press 0 followed by the pound key immediately.

Our systems have detected a serious problem with the way you pressed 0 followed by the pound key.

Perhaps this would be a good time to remind you that this call is being monitored AND recorded. Hold for a supervisor.

"Just. Want. To. Better. Serve. You."

There is currently a 2-minute wait for a supervisor. While you are holding for a supervisor, you will be asked to take a short survey about your 2 minutes on hold which you will take if you know what’s good for you for quality assurance purposes.

We are currently experiencing a large volume of swearing on your part.

"Quality Assurance Care Specialists are not amused."


Please keep in mind that the short survey we are asking you to take is designed to better serve you and in return we are receiving a higher than normal volume of attitude.

Since you insist on pushing all the keys on your phone at once, it has become clear that you will be requiring a visit to the address listed on your billing statement from our Quality Assurance Customer Care Specialist, Paulie.

"You're gonna like me, I'm a goodfella."

Rest assured that we are absolutely certain you will be filling out a short survey about your visit from Paulie for quality assurance purposes in order to better serve you once you have regained feeling in your arms.

Thank you for calling. You may hang up now

Until next time . . . I love you

Ten Signs You’ve Overdone It at Costco

You had to have your attorney revise your will so the kids won’t someday be fighting over their toilet paper inheritance.

Three Syllables: Tramp-o-line

You’re pretty sure you’ve managed to gain seven “free-sample” pounds since signing up for your Costco membership unless that scale from the six-pack of scales you purchased was wrong.

Your set for diapers from cradle to grave.

When laid end-to-end,  your Q-tip inventory now extends well past Saturn stopping just short of Uranus, thankfully.

Your vitamin water collection has taken on its own tide.

You got all your Christmas shopping done early thanks to the best deal on rototillers EVER!

You can finally build that copy-paper Ream Vacation Getaway!

You’re starting to experience buyer’s remorse over the Euro-Bellybutton Steamer

And finally, a surefire way to tell if you’ve overdone it at Costco:

Have you ever GOT MILK!

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Gives Us Another Reason Not to Runaway with the Circus!

Just when you think life has dulled itself down to a stub,  the new Pottery Barn Catalog arrives! Talk about reigniting your passion for living!

Oh Goodie Goodie Gumdrops! Let us rub out collective hands together and start our Pottery Barn discussion with:

The Pottery Barn Activity Center

Clearly Pottery Barn is trying to get us to be a little more constructive in our spare time. To that end, PB has designed this (get a life) activity center. As you can see from the picture, Pottery Barn feels passionately that thread is the KEY FACTOR when it comes to any activity.

What is PB trying to say?

Perhaps The Potter Barn Activity Center is PB’s polite way of telling us that we need to get off our collective squishy bums and start actively LIVING LIFE before Father Time pokes us with a fork, we’re done.

As Dorothy Parker once said, “There will be plenty of time to do nothing once we’re dead.”

Therefore it is imperative that you buy yourself a Pottery Barn Activity Center right this very minute!  Don’t just say, “Oh I’ll  actively fiddle with thread tomorrow.”  What if you don’t make it to tomorrow.  Huh?  Then what?

“Get Busy Livin’ or Get Busy Dyin” . . .  You’re call.

PB wants to know how you would like being on your deathbed never having experienced the activities in their beautiful Activity Center.  So stop wasting time and start flipping through that old Botany notebook ASAP, reread those old postcards, pronto!  Don’t just sit there!  Time’s a wastin’ — for heaven’s sakes at least PUT A CLAMP ON SOMETHING!

Yeah, The Pottery Barn Activity Center is $129.  So What?

Pottery Barn is asking you nicely not to let the $129 price tag deter you from buying their super-duper-essential Pottery Barn Activity Center.  If Pottery Barn has implored you once, they’ve implored you a thousand times not to nickel and dime yourself out of your one true chance at happiness.

Now, stop arguing and go get your purse or wallet and march yourself down to Pottery Barn . . . Ten Hut!

Oh . . . and since you’re going there anyway . . . PB wants to know if you’ve got 44 extra bucks lying around in, say, your garbage can?

If you answered yes, PB wants you to know they have devised  a much more stylish way for you to throw away your money.

And that is by purchasing this One-of-a-Kind, Giant-Fork, Paper-Towel Holder:

The Cucina Paper Towel Holder

The PB Catalog describes this item simply as a Cucina Paper Towel Holder hoping you won’t know what “Cucina” means and will be too lazy to look it up.

Pottery Barn is hoping you will assume “Cucina” means sustainable, recycled, eco-friendly, soy-based, dolphin-free materials hewn by a mystical enclave of  Mastercrafters headquartered in a barn made of pottery deep in the secret sustainable forests that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on.

TO RECAP:  if tree falls in the sustainable forest?  Back off!  It belongs to Pottery Barn!

Oh, and a word of caution about the Cucina, Giant-Fork Paper Towel Holder.  If Father Time happens to drop by– be sure to hide this paper towel holder quickly.  He gets weird around forks.

Until next time . . . I love you (especially you, Pottery Barn!)

Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism


Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism

It’s Official! My Metabolism Has Finally Reached Zilch

My metabolism has slowed down so much lately that not only will I gain weight if I even look at a piece of cheesecake — so will the person standing next to me.

Metabolism Heaven

Some people complain of a sluggish metabolism. If I could get my metabolism up to sluggish, well . . . I’d be in metabolism heaven, that’s all.

Not the real Metabolism Heaven, but a darn good likeness

I’ve Got a Metabolism That Punches Out at Noon

Now that I’m 68, I get the feeling my metabolism goes home early everyday. I think it’s getting bored with its job. And who could blame it, really. Talk about a backlog of work! Poor Dear.

I would imagine the piles of cheesecake in its In-Basket alone is enough to make even the most dedicated of metabolisms want to call in sick.

What’s a Food Consumer to Do?

Still, even though my heart goes out to my metabolism, it would be nice if it could step up the pace just a little. I’m doing my part by carefully monitoring what I eat. I read all the food labels and whatnot; but it isn’t easy finding a food whose first ingredient is air.

My Life as an Air Fern

I think Mother Nature rigged so it so that 59-old-women can live indefinitely on air to keep mankind from going extinct.

My Metabolism Theory

As far as I can tell, Our Family of Humans evolved so that Grandma could keep the cave clean, do all the cooking plus watch the grandkids without having to eat any actual food — which meant Yippee!! Extra helpings of Kentucky-Fried Mammoth for everyone! (Except you know who.)

Me and My Metabolism, Where Would Mankind Be Without Us?

So I suppose one could say, the more sluggish my metabolism, the more I am actually contributing to the survival of the human race. Each and every time I manage to push away a piece of cheesecake without eating it, I am sacrificing that piece of cheesecake for the global good of my fellow Homo sapiens — because now there is just that much more cheesecake for them to eat.

Thus ensuring the survival of our species.

Who knew something operating at zilch could be so noble?

Until next time . . . I love you

Top Ten Rejected Children’s Books Written By Sarah Ferguson

According to the Daily Mail Online, Sarah Ferguson’s 9/11 children’s book was rejected by publishers for being ‘too offensive to publish’

Here’s Some Other Children’s Books Written by Sarah Ferguson That Were Rejected by Publishers ‘for being too Offensive’

Winnie the Poop

The Little Engine that Sold Daddy Out

Cloudy with a Chance of Me Eating the Meatballs

The Day Peter Cottontail Went Down With the Titanic

The Chronicles of “Oh Darnia!”

Mother Goosed

Fergie and Her Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Reality Show

James and the Giant Peach I ate

Are you there Your Majesty?  It’s me Sarah

This Little Piggy Crossed the Line and Got Mummy Kicked Out of Palace

Until next time . . . I love you