“Once upon a midnight dreary”“OK, I’m going to stop you right there for a second, Edgar. First of all, it’s midnight. Light some candles, whip up a batch of fudge, invite some girls over YOUR OWN AGE. Don’t just sit around and mope.”
“While I pondered weak and weary”“Frankly, if you’re too weak and weary to even PONDER, you really ought to consider taking some vitamins and working out a little. I’ve told you a thousand times, if you’d just walk the circumference of the grave yard 4 times you will have walked a mile.
“Over a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore”“Oh so you’re not even going to acknowledge that I just said something?”
“While I nodded nearly napping”“Ok, listen, that’s a big part of your problem too. Who takes a nap at midnight? No wonder you’re having trouble sleeping.”
“Suddenly, there came a tapping, as if someone gently rapping, tapping at my chamber door.”
“Why do you insist on scaring yourself like that? What do you mean “as if” someone gently rapping or tapping (whatever) at your chamber door. You’re over thinking it. There’s somebody at the door, that all. It’s probably just your next door neighbors wanting to borrow another cup of laudanum.
“Tis some visitor I muttered, rapping at my chamber door, merely this and nothing more.”“Ya think? What did I just say? Have you not heard a single word of this conversation?”
“Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December”“You know, if you’d just drop the adjective “bleak” from you vocabulary altogether, you’d probably be a lot better off. “And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor ” OMG Edgar! You were stirring the fire and a few ashes fell on the floor! You’re such a Drama Queen!”
“Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow, from my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore”“I hate to interrupt your little pity party here, Edgar, but I’m pretty sure surcease isn’t even a word.”
“For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore – Nameless here forever more.”“What are you talking about? Did you not just say that the angels named her Lenore? So she’s not nameless is she? Ok, it’s clear you’re just wanting to wallow in self pity and you’re not listening to a word I’m saying. Fine. I’m leaving.”
Next time on Trying to Cheer up Edgar Allen Poe:
Edgar opens up about what it’s like to go through life having two belly buttons.
Until next time . . . I love you