My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks Up a Magazine

Dear Readers.  I love thumbing through magazines of every kind: old, new, big, little, digested, undigested.  I’ve always thought it would be fun to start up a magazine of my own. So I put My Brain Peanuts to work on it, and, Dear Readers, I think you will agree that Peanuts came up with an idea for a magazine that has a lot of potential!

Peanuts simply took a prestigious magazine like the Smithsonian:

Smithsonian Magazine LInda Vernon Humor

And combined it with a cutting-edge style magazine, such as Elle:

The New Mood, Cover of Elle Magazine satire, Linda Vernon Humor

And Viola!  

Smithsonian Magazine plus Elle Magazine Linda Vernon Humor

Of course no magazine is complete without a staff of writers.  The vision of my brain, Peanuts is to have Sm Elle Magazine written by the most important, Über-sophisticated, magazine writers of the 21st Century.  Here’s My Brain Peanuts’s fantasy writing staff for Sm Elle Magazine:

Lifestyle Editor:

Carreen La Leelee La Pew

Writer for Sm Elle Magazine:  Linda Vernon Humor

Lifestyle Editor, Carreen, has been dramatically flitting to and fro between Paris and London ever since first learning how to flit at the tender age of three.  In her travels, Carreen literally inhales cutting-edge lifestyle trends– and exhales them upon the very latest, cutting-edge version of her Apple Ipad.

When asked why, at such a young age,  Carreen has made it to the pinnacle of magazine-writing sophistication, she explained in third person, “Carreen La Leelee La Pew his risen to the top by utilizing french words like brioche and chignon in every single sentence.

Food Critic

Owen Henry Charles Buckingworth, III

Pretentious man who writes for a magazine, Linda Vernon Humor

With a track record of not liking a single meal since 1994, Mr. Buckingworth’s  taste in sophisticated cuisine — as well as his actual taste buds themselves — are so hard to please, he has only been actually full once in his life after a particularly well-done mac and cheese dinner his mother (of all people!) prepared for him when all the stars aligned on November 2, 1994 at 2:45 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Owen Henry Charles Buckingworth, III credits his journalistic tendencies to his junior  high school English teacher, Mr. Blump, who encouraged Buckingworth to enter an International Punctuation Contest, and Buckingworth took home the Winner’s Trophy — by accident — but still!

Health and Beauty Editor

Carla Rothchild-Doink

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For such an important and influential writer in the field of health and beauty, Carla Rothchild-Doink believes in keeping a low profile.  Literally.  Consequently Ms. Rothchild-Doink has never been photographed standing up.

“One’s profile is the side-view of what a person looks like from the side.” Ms. Rothchild-Doink is fond of saying and goes so far as to call this her “signature saying.” 

In addition to dedicating her life to eating healthy foods, getting enough exercise, and brushing her hair a 100 times before going to bed, Carla Rothchild-Doink can be found on her days off, crawling on her hands and knees in the ocean thus keeping her hands and knees as soft as, but a little more puckered than, a baby’s.

Well, there you have it, Dear Readers!  My brain, Peanuts, fantasy magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you

Screw It Monday

Hello Dear Readers!  Now I know it’s Monday, and we Go-Get-‘er Americans are always supposed to be productive as all get out on Mondays or at least look like we are, but today Dear Readers, I say screw it! (Yes, I’m even pulling out the word “screw”  –sometimes I get in a mood and there’s no holding me back!)

What’s say we recklessly thumb through an old book instead, shall we?

Here’s a book I found  at the thrift store. (Quelle surprise !)  It’s entitled Horizon.  But it’s really more like a magazine. It’s a collection of random topics and pictures.  Here’s the cover:

Horizon, American Heritage Publishing Company Linda Vernon Humor
The book says this portrait is called A Lady with a Pink.  It is the work of Hans Memling from the 15th century,  which means it was either painted in the 1400’s or the 1600’s. I can never get that straight, but then again, that’s the least of my problems. Let’s just take a wild guess and say it was painted in 1473 and be done with it.  There now, wasn’t that easy?

Okay, now let’s imagine a dialogue between Hans Memling and his wife right after he showed her  A Lady with a Pink:

Wife:  Honey It’s adorable! Ah!  I just love that little spit curl at the top of her forehead.

Hans:  Thank you.

Wife: But, honey, may I make a suggestion?  Don’t you think her head’s a skosh too big? I mean doesn’t she look like she’s got a five-head going on?


Hans:  What? No! Her head really looks like that.

Wife:  Okay,  but I think you might want to erase some of her head.  But leave in the spit curl.  That spit curl just makes it pop. What are you calling it?

Hans:  A Lady with a Pink.

Wife:  A lady with a pink what? . . .  Hans, didn’t you hear me? . . .  I said a lady with a pink what?   Ha ha very funny, Hans!  You can stop pretending like you’re dead again. . . Hans?

A Lady with a Pink doesn’t really look all that hard to draw in my opinion.

A Lady with a Pink . . . .Linda vernon humor
See it’s cinchy.

Okay, I’m admitting flat-out that my version isn’t as good as Hans’s  but at least she’s wearing something pink. (I updated her hair color a little too.)  And I gotta say, IMHO I nailed that spit curl better than Hans Memling did.  God rest his 15th century soul.

Okay, that’s enough about the cover.  Now let’s crack open the book, Dear Readers!  Oh boy . . . there are so many weird pictures inside . . . let’s just stick some captions on them:

funny man who cuts topiaries, Linda Vernon Humor

man walking dogs, Linda Vernon Humor

Man dressed as knight who needs to go to the bathroom. Linda Vernon Humor

Man with helmut standing next to a robot. Linda Vernon Humor

Of course there are lots more weird pictures in our old book, but remember, we don’t want to work too hard today, what with it being Screw It Monday!  So let’s just call it a day and go do something even more unproductive than this, if possible.

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Writing 33-Word Writing Challenge: Pushing Kevin’s Buttons

This week’s 33-word Trifecta Challenge was to rearrange words from the 33rd page of Trifecta’s favorite book:  Elizabeth Strout’s Olive Kitteridge.

Page 33 Olive Kitterage, linda vernon humorLinda Vernon Humor

Pushing Kevin’s Buttons

Dr. Goldstein peered carefully beneath his ribs. “No bicycle, no basketball-hoop —  pine needles!

Kevin could not abide the thought of pine needles!

“Hackmatack needles?” Kevin shouted with panic.

“Never mind!” Dr. Goldstein said.

pine needles, linda vernon humor
“I fixed a bed of pine needles for you, Kevin!”
“Oh thank you . . . .wait a minute! Those aren’t Hackmatack needles are they? Because I take umbrage with Hackmatack needles!”
“No they’re just regular pine needles, Kevin.”
“Oh terrific!  Thanks!”

Until next time . . . I love you

Hey It’s Friday! Let’s Dance Austrian Style!

Hello Dear Readers!  Well it’s Friday which means it’s time to fish something out of this blog’s archives in honor of this blog’s lazy streak!  Let’s see . . . oh here’s a blog about Austrian Folk Dancing to start your Friday off with a kick!

Save Room for Shuh

“Sometimes I just want to haul off and punch you!”
“What? But wwwhhhyyy?”

I found a wonderful Viennese Folk Dancing LP at the thrift store for us to examine more closely.  Let’s take a little look-see, shall we?

“Ya, we’re folk dancing, ya!”

The back of the album tells us that this collection of Viennese dance-songs are sung by Austrian man peasants while other Austrian peasants perform intricate Viennese folk dances.

Well, now!   Doesn’t that sound like a fine kettle of Neujahrsschießen?

I may not know much about the country of Austria, but that definitely doesn’t stop me from thinking I do.  Here’s my best guess about what the Viennese songs and folk dances might be about from what I can glean from their titles.

First up is the hauntingly beautiful Viennese Folk Song Entitled:

Hochzeitmarsch aus Ebensee (from Tanze)

This ironic folk dance opens with the Austrian peasant, Hoch, who is wading in the marsh when he becomes stuck in the mud clear up to his eben, see?  And a beautiful peasant girl, Aus from Tanze,  grabs him — and in a series of complicated twists — manages to free his eben, see?

The act of which paralyzes Hoch for the rest of his life, even though Hoch inexplicably retains the full use of his eben, see? Which is probably where the irony comes in but nobody is really sure what’s going on so maybe not.

Next is the surprisingly poignant:

Schuhplattler (from Bauernmusi)

Austrian Peasant, Mrs. Butterhorn, dances exuberantly past all the young maidens in the village of Bauernmusi carrying a large plattler of schuh.  The maidens  jump and twirl for joy as Mrs. Butterhorn carries her plattler of Schuh through the village square where they all gaily sit down at the annual Neujahrsschießen Feast!

Everybody partakes heartily and dies shortly thereafter from food poisoning which everybody blamed on a bad batch of Schuh.  Things are pretty much downhill from there on out.  If you ever decide to go to a live performance of Schuhplattler, definitely plan to leave at the intermission.

And finally, a story that is near and dear to all our hearts:

Guggu Polka

Of all the music and dancing performed on this LP, Guggu Polka is perhaps the most well-known.  We join our revelers just as Austria’s most famous seafaring explorer, Guggu Polka shimmies his way into town in celebration of his historic discovery that there is absolutely no way to get to the ocean from Austria.

His crew of 18 sailors do a fantastic kick line while dragging the would-be seafaring vessel christened The Hokey Pokey along behind them. Then the villagers put their right foot in and put their right foot out and that’s when Guggu Polka trips and dies.  It may not have a happy ending, but sometimes that’s what it’s all about.

Until next time . . . I Bauerngalopp you

“That’s the lamest high five I’ve ever seen.”

Linda’s Ten Writing Prompts for Unusual Stories

Linda’s Ten Writing Prompts for Unusual Stories

LInda's writing promps quill linda vernon umor

1)

A woman named Helene (the last “e” is silent so it’s just pronounced the regular way you would pronounce Helen) who was born into an aristocratic family in 1614 goes for a walk in the woods and finds a toothbrush left by time travelers.  Write a novel chronicling Helen’s life-long attempts to figure out what it is.

2)

A man named Mr. Kneedyy (in this case the “k” isn’t silent but the last “y” is) leads a lonely existence as a shy, tightrope walker whose only joy in life is vacuuming. He often wonders whether his life is worth living at all —  that is until the morning he wakes up in a bed of overly-ripe bananas.

3)

Write a story about the life of a New York City, albino,street urchin in 1882 who is sent to live in an orphanage where they kill his parrot and tell him sawdust is sugar.  One day he contracts a horrible ear infection.  Write the story from the point of view of his eardrum.

4)

A woman who is afraid of her own shadow, opens the door to her closet to find the bogie man dressed in her clothes, but instead of being afraid, she falls instantly in love.  Write this story from the point of view of the red stiletto heels the bogie man is wearing.

5)

Colonel Conrad Bleen (most of the letters are silent but the word colonel is still pronounced nothing like it is spelled) has been shipped a faulty coffee machine from the aliens who reside on planet Wubbly. The Wubblyians are coming for a visit next week and are expecting Colonel Conrad Bleen to serve them coffee.    Choose your favorite historical figure to explain why the Wubblyians won’t be getting any coffee.

6)

A girl named Swanda Smithers (the “s’s” are almost silent but not quite) is told a very important secret by a strange Italian man she meets while walking to the city pool.  If she tells anyone the secret — the universe will cease to exist.  Write a story about what a horrible swimmer Swanda Smithers is from the point of view of the secret.

7)

Write a short scene in which an arthritic court jester with dyslexia is sent in to tell the severely nearsighted Mary Queen of Scots she could use a bath.

8)

While a man is strangling his wife on a rowboat in Lake Superior, she dies of pancreatic cancer.  Write a story about why the man shouldn’t be tried for murderin Lake Erie’s opinion.

9)

A woman named Connie Knophughner (every other letter is silent) buys a used  car and opens the trunk to find a package that is ticking.  When she unwraps it, she finds outit’s a clock that has a bomb embedded in it.  Write a scene about what happens next from the point of view of the used car salesman who is hiding on the floor of the backseat of Connie Knophughner’s  car.

10)

A man named Ponts Nuggles (all the silent letters in his name have been removed so don’t worry about it) comes home to find that his wife has turned into a box of Ritz Crackers, but she can still talk; Ponts Nuggles, however, has been deaf since birth.  Write a dialogue about how they discuss each others’ day.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Linda’s Ten Writing Prompts for Unusual stories . . . Happy Writing!

Until next time  . . . I love you

Trifecta 33-Word Writing Challenge: Howard’s Haircut

Hello Dear Readers! This weekend’s 33-Word Trifecta Writing Challenge was simply to write 33 words incorporating some hyperbole in there somewhere.  

 Howard’s Haircut

“There.  Finished!” The hairdresser handed Howard a mirror.  “Do you like it?”

Howard thought he resembled a cross between a Sasquatch on meth during a Tsunami and Shirley Temple.

“Yes.” he said anyway.

Bigfoot Linda Vernon Humor

      +

A pictrure of Shirley Temple Linda Vernon Humor

     =

Nick Nolte mug shot Linda Vernon humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Photo Credits:
Nick Nolte:   jambase.com  
Sasquatch:  http://host-46.242.54.159.gannett.com/news/article/270491
Shirley Temple:  http://www.hollywoodmemorabilia.com/authentic-emorabilia/shirley-temple-black-autographed-signed-child-star-book1.html

The Return of Friday’s Al Gore Comics

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to Friday’s Al Gore Comics day.  Let’s all take out our crowbars and pry the lid off the mind of our  weirdest national treasure . . . 

Our Beloved Al

One day at the San Francisco Airport:

Al Gore Friday Comics Linda Vernon Humor

Al Gore Comics Linda Vernon Humor

Al Gore Comics Linda Vernon Humor

Al Gore Comics Linda Vernon Humor

Al Gore Comics Linda Vernon Humor

Al Gore Comics Linda Vernon Humor

Al Gore Comics Linda Vernon HumorAl Gore Comics Linda Vernon Humor

Al Gore Comics Linda Vernon HumorAl Gore Friday Comics LInda Vernon Humor