Gregory’s Bible Stories: Noah Sleeps It Off

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what Noah and everyone was up to once they were on dry land again, and the only people left on earth.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible storiesNoah Sleeps It Off

In  last week’s lesson, God turned on the heavenly hose full blast until everything that breathed couldn’t breath anymore, and all the bad people on earth became dead, except for God’s favorite man, Noah, who built an ark etc. etc. (See Old MacDonald’s Farm for more information).

When God finally pulled the plug on the deluge, Noah was  601 years old even though Noah didn’t look a day over 500 and could still touch his toes!

While Noah’s wife and Noah’s three sons Ham, Shem and Japheth and their kids  enjoyed sifting through the flood debris for cool stuff, Noah spent most of the time moping in his tent and picking the mud off his robe.

Occasionally Noah would schlep through the flood debris to the  barbecue/altar to fix the Lord and (and himself) a Shem burger invented by his son Shem  (his son Ham was too lazy to invent anything).

"Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!"
“Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!”

But mostly Noah sat around just whining and complaining to his wife, Betty, about how much he missed mankind. The conversation might have gone something like this:

Betty:  Noah, you really need to stop laying around all day kvetching.

Noah:  There’s nothing else to do.  I hate this place, it’s so boring!

Betty:  How can you say that when there’s so much debris out there just waiting to be sifted through.  Look what I found just today?

Noah:  What is it?

Betty:  An apple with one bite out of it!

Noah:  Weird.

Betty:  Listen, Noah why don’t you start on a project.  Do something constructive.  You’re a farmer.  Maybe you could plant something.

Noah:  Hey that’s a swell idea, Betty.  I’ll plant a vineyard!

Betty:  A vineyard?  But we don’t drink.  I don’t think the Lord would approve of that, Noah.

Noah:  Oh no!  Not for wine . . .

Betty:  For what then?

Noah:  Oh you know, for raisin bran, raisin cookies, Waldorf salads . . .

Betty:  I don’t like raisins in salad.

Noah:  Okay, whatever, you can pick the raisins out.  The point is, Betty,  what this place could use is a vineyard!  Besides wine seeds are the only seeds I brought with.

Betty:  You mean grape seeds?

Noah:  Yeah, what’d I say?

Betty:  You said wine seeds.

Noah:  Whoops.  Slip of the tongue.

Betty:  Are you sure?

Noah:  Betty, I’m 601 years old for god sakes, cut me some slack!

Three years later:

Betty:  Noah?  What are you drinking?

Noah:  Just some . . .hic .  . . grape juice.

Three Years and two hours later:

Shem:  Hey has anybody seen, Dad?

Ham:  He got wasted and passed out in his tent buck naked!

Shem:  Oh my Lord!

Japheth;  Oh my God!

Ham:  Oh you guys, stop being  such prigs!

Japheth :  We care about, Dad, okay?  We’re not pigs, Okay?

Shem:  Yeah!

Ham:  I didn’t say you were pigs, I said you were prigs.

Shem:  Same thing.

Ham:  Listen Shem, I think I know what a pig is, I was named after one.  Hello?!

Jepeath:   Come on Shem.  Let’s go get a blanket to put over Dad’s buck nakedness.

Shem:  What’s a blanket?

Japheth:   It’s  a robe without sleeves. You really need to keep up with technology better, Shem.

Drunk Noah

Three Years and Six Hours Later:

Japheth:  Dad’s awake and he wants to see you, Ham.

Ham:  Yeah Dad?

Noah:  I’m putting a curse on your son, Canaan!

Ham:  Why?

Noah:  He will be a slave to his brothers.  Give praise to the Lord the God of Shem! May God cause Japheth to increase!!

Ham:  Well Japheth has been putting on weight but  I  just thought it was the Shem burgers.

Noah:  CANAAN WILL BE THE SLAVE OF SHEM!

Ham:   Okay Dad! I’m standing right here. There’s no need to shout.  Please use your indoor voice.  How about a nice cup of black coffee and a cold shower?

Noah:  AND HIS DESCENDANTS LIVE WITH THE PEOPLE OF SHEM! DO YOU HEAR KNOCKING?   WHO SET MY CHEESE AFIRE?

Ham:  Okay Dad, now I know you’re still drunk.  Afire is not even a word, is it?

Noah:  A CURSE ON CANAAN!

Ham:  But Dad, my son Canaan is just a little innocent boy who loves his grandpa.

Noah:  OKAY!  MAKE THAT A CURSE ON CANADA!

Ham:  Consider it cursed!   Go  back to sleep, Dad.

Noah:  Okay, but wake me up when it’s time for soccer practice.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers.  How Gregory imagines it was like after for Noah after the flood.  Check back next week at this same time to find out what happens next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah thinks about cheese . . or Canada . . . or Canadian cheese . . .
Noah thinks about cheese . . or Canada . . . or Canadian cheese . . .

Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Jello

Welcome Dear Readers!  Let’s see what we can learn about the Slightly-Creepy Seventies through the pages of this 1972  Slightly-Creepy Seventies Jello recipe book:

Here it is! 99 cents worth of slightly-creepy seventies Jello recipes!Here it is! 99 cents worth of Slightly-Creepy Seventies Jello recipes!

Yes there’s always room for Jello, but only if it matches something:

Linda Vernon Humor Slightly Creepy Seventies Jello“No, it won’t taste very good , Little Joshie, because it’s Jello.  But I will get it to match the wallpaper. I must!”

Here’s a slightly creepy-seventies woman who was clearly the Martha Stewart Forerunner of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies.   Notice how the Jello she is preparing with her little pretend son, exactly matches the wallpaper in the background.

The real Martha Stewart was probably hiding in the closet with her Jello butcher knife (from a Jello mold she made herself) and, right after this picture was taken, bound and gagged the Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Martha Stewart Forerunner and locked her in the closet.

I bet if we were to look in that closet today, we’d find Slightly-Creepy- Seventies Martha Stewart Forerunner still in the closet, mummified sure, but still there nevertheless.

 

Ding Dong! It’s Slightly-Creepy Seventies  Party Time!

Slighly Creepy Seventies Jello, Linda Vernon Humor“We were asked to bring dessert so naturally, since this is the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, we brought Jello!”

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you, Dear Readers, that in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, this is the kind of people who showed up on your doorstep to party.

And, it will also come as no surprise to you that if you asked someone to bring “The Dessert” in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies,  it meant that instead of bringing a decadent, seven-layer Bavarian Chocolate Cake, they would bring, instead,  a big ol’  bowl of Jello!

You’ve got to give this lady kudos, however, for rummaging around long enough to find something she could  add to her Jello dessert to ensure that it would match her outfit.

So what if she had to add a little of her husband’s black shoe polish?  Who cares?  Nobody’s going to eat any of it anyway because even if it is the Slightly Creepy Seventies, it’s still Jello.

It’s quarter to 3 and no one’s in the place except you and me and Jello.  Oh and her — whoever she is.

Slightly Creepy Seventies Jello Linda Vernon HumorThe same Sightly-Creepy Seventies party later that night.

As you can see,  even though the lady who brought the Jello has ditched her husband to flirt with a ski instructor (who just happened to bring his skis to the party), the hostess has turned down the lighting so no one will notice that her dress only matches one plate and zero Jello desserts.

Don’t worry, even though she’s probably planning to chug that bottle of wine she’s holding, she’s only a tad bit suicidal.  But then again who wasn’t in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies?  

Slightly Creepy Seventies Hip Intellectuals gathered to eat Jello!

slightly creepy seventies Jello, Linda vernon humorHere’s a group of Slightly-Creepy-Seventies intellectuals discussing Slightly-Creepy-Seventies issues such as atomized individualism, the Viet Nam war, and the efficacy of determining one’s emotional age by counting the rings on their platform shoes.

As you can see, this party is a big hit because the hostess has wisely chosen an outfit that not only mimics the art of the successful Jello “layering” but also picks up all the colors in the Jello Buffet.

The woman sitting next to the open window, however, rather than being pleased with herself,  is contemplating plunging to her death because no one is eating the Jello dessert she made.

The very same Jello dessert she  thought was so socially relevant when she took it out of the refrigerator — but now sees clearly that no one understood her nod to existentialism through disorientation and confusion in the face of the meaningless jiggling and wiggling.

Oh, and pay no attention to the lady sitting on the couch crocheting. She’s an escapee from this 1984 crocheting post.  She’s obviously running from post to post trying to escape the madness of the past.  And who can blame her really?

And there you have it, Dear Reader!  I hope you were able to learn something about Jello’s influence on the decade of the  Slightly Creepy Seventies and if you didn’t, all I can say is neither did I.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Lesson: When The Ark Disembarked

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark  and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like stepping out on dry land after being stuck on the ark for so long.

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesWhen The Ark Disembarked

 

When Noah and his wife and his three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth and their wives and two of every animal on earth had been stuck on the ark together so long  no amount of Febreeze could have helped, Ham looked out the window and saw that all the water was gone, and the ark was  high-centered on Mount Ararat.

"Oy!"
“Oy!”

The date was January 1, قبل يسوع– wouldn’t you know!  The one day everybody was hung over.

Noah looked outside and saw that even though the sun was so bright it was giving him an even worse headache, the land was still pretty muddy so he made everybody stay inside the ark until the mud was complete gone on February 27, قبل يسوع   because no one had remembered to bring their galoshes.

When Noah was 601 years old. God told Noah  to go ahead and let everybody out of the ark so that they could get started on reproducing and populating the earth again.

Noah decided to keep it to himself that the male and female rats already had 473 kids. Why let the cat (both  male and female) out of the bag?  Noah figured it would just put God in another one of His Destroy-Every-Living-Thing funks.

So to keep God in a good mood, the first thing Noah did when he got outside was build an altar to the Lord using an old boot, some broken pottery and other debris he found on the ground from the Destroying-Every- Living-Thing rubble that was strewn up one side of Mt. Ararat and down the other.

Noah gathered one of each kind of ritually-cleaned animal and bird and burned them whole as a sacrifice to the altar.  Then he took out a bottle of  Noah’s Judgment Day Barbecue Sauce, he managed to smuggle in his robe — and poured it over the top.

The odor of the sacrifice made the Lord’s almighty mouth water!  Then the Lord said to himself (apparently out loud while only the bible was listening): 

“Never again will  I put the earth under a curse because of what man does; I know that from the time he is young his thoughts are evil. Never again will I destroy all living beings as I have done this time  . . . as long as the world exists there will be a time for . . .  etc . . .  etc . . . ” (right about here is where the bible quit listening).

Then God gave Noah a Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down list  for mankind’s behavior since nobody remembered to pack the Ten Commandments.

God’s Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down List for Post-Flood Mankind’s Behavior

Thumbs up to having all the children you can possibly stand! 🙂

Thumbs up to man being the boss of animals! 🙂

Thumbs up to  All You Can Eat Meat and Green Plant buffets. 🙂

Thumbs down to eating meat that still has blood in it. 😦

Thumbs down to killing anybody or everybody like God just did. 😦

Then God promised not to destroy the earth with a flood ever ever again. He didn’t come right out and say He was sorry, but everyone suspected it.

God went on to promise  that  every time a rainbow appeared in the sky, it would mean that God was keeping his promise to never wipe out mankind ever again with a flood so help Him Him.

Noah and the Rainbow

The bible tells us that Noah, Shem, Ham and Japheth were the ancestors of all the people on earth.  Of course, the bible probably would have listed their wives as ancestors too — but they were girls.

After that, everything was going swell in a hand basket for our little group of mankind, that is until Noah had to go and get the bright idea to plant a vineyard . . . and you don’t even want to know what happened next — but Gregory is going to tell you anyway — so check back next week, Dear Readers!

Noah's animals

Until next time . . . I love you

Superman’s Other Weaknesses


FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie

 

Until next time . . . I love you

The Edible Horror of 1959

Hello Dear Readers! 

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly,  we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you’ve been warned!

 

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

 

Looks innocent?  Look again!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten.

 

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness!  What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

 

And in another equally unsettling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup!  Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour!  Oh the vegumanity!

 

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of said pie.  Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day.

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family cannibalism!

Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Stawberry!  We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains.  I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you!  But you were warned!

If it’s any consolation

Until next time . . . I love you

Life on the Ark

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark  and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting for the flood to subside.

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesLife on the Ark 

Noah:  Honey!  Come on!  You’re not still packing are you?  We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!

Noah’s Wife, Betty:   I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!

Noah:  Here let me do it.

Betty:   Oh no you don’t!  You’ll  wrinkle  everything!

Noah:  Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark.  I think I can pack a suitcase.

Betty:   Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline?  I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows  how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.

Noah:  Sure you can bring the tambourine.  You know how much I love to sing.

Betty:   Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.

Noah:  We have a trampoline?

Betty:  What’s the matter Noah?  You look upset.

Noah:  It’s God.  I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they fit  nicely and now God has added seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.

Betty:  You mean he didn’t mention it before now?

Noah:  Nope.

Betty:  Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.

Noah:  Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip, honey.

After Noah had  finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark, the  Lord shooed all the animals away from the  door and slammed  it shut.  (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again.)  Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!

Day 10 on the ark:

Ham:  Dad can’t we open a window or something?  The smell in here is gross!

Noah:  What’s that?  I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking,  and the mooing and the bleating.

Betty:   I can’t stand all this sitting!  I just know I’m putting on weight.  What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.

Noah:  What honey?  Did you say something about a  tambourine?

Shem:  I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we  barbecue one of the animals!

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 50 on the ark:

Everybody in unison Ninety- nine  potter vessels of  wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of  wine on the ark . . .

Day 100 on the ark:

Shem:  Hey guess what everybody?   We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!

Ham:  How do you know that?

Shem:  I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick Dad let me bring.

Betty:   Noah!  How come you let  Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one  lousy little trampoline?

Noah:  What’s that Betty?   I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 130 on the ark:

Shem:  Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had  an olive branch in its beak!

Noah:  You know what, Shem,  at this point Daddy doesn’t really give a rat’s behind.

Ham:  Ha ha!   Funny you should say that,  Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!

Noah:  Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying  early.

Day 150 on the ark:

Noah:  Ninety nine pottery vessels of—

Ham:   Hey Dad!  Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.

Noah:  What?  When was this?

Ham:  About three months ago give or take.

Noah:  What?  Why didn’t you tell me?

Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.

And a hardy laugh was had by all.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  How Gregory imagines  life on the ark during the Great Flood.  Be sure and check back next week for the further adventures of Noah and the gang.

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah and Betty

Unloading the Ark

Noah makes some arks

 

A Mini-Bedtime Story for Grown-up Children

One Day at the Eiffel Tower

 

Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois crossed the lobby of the Eiffel Tower and all eyes drank of her beauty like they were drinking a tumbler of Chardonnay after eating a dry, 16-inch baguette.

But no eyes drank more than Benny Flump’s.  Benny’s eyes were bigger than his stomach when it came to beautiful French women, and Benny thought Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois the most beautiful creature he had ever mispronounced.

They would marry!

At the top of the Eiffel Tower she said, “I do.”  Benny replied “adieu” and then jumped.

Benny Flump’s linguistic skills left a lot to be desired which I guess I should have said in the first place.

The End

leaping from Eiffel Tower