The Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey

Welcome Dear Readers.  I have a confession to make.  Everyday I’ve got about one productive hour in me, everything else is mulling. 

And because I’m so lazy, I’ve only got one item on my bucket list: death (the letter ‘d’ actually but I’ll remember).

Unfortunately, I’m at an age where if I died and somebody read about it in the newspaper instead remarking, “oh how sad,” they’d just say, “well she was getting up there.”

So I wasn’t surprised when this offer came in my mailbox from the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel for “My Final Wishes Organizer” . . . Absolutely free!

My Final Wishes Organizer
And all I have to do is answer the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel’s short, tiny, little two-page survey and then what? I get my Final Wishes Organizer, that’s what!

So here’s my answers to the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey, which I’ve taken the liberty of tweaking just a little bit to make it more enjoyable in an attempt to make it up to myself for having such a sucky bucket list.

Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey

How much do you expect to pay for your funeral?  0-$2000, $2,000-$4,000, $4,000-$6,000, $6,000 – $8,000, $8,000-$10,000? Or over $10,000.

I’m not paying anything.  Why else would I be dying?

Is there an honorably discharged veteran in your household?  If not please explain.

Does unhonorably count?  Because sometimes I hear someone ripping cardboard and smell the odor of Mark-a-Lot drifting through the air in the middle of the night and every once in a while I come upon a shopping cart in the living room, but, you know what?  I’m still going to say no.

If so, was it within the last 12 months?  The last 12-24 months?  Or over 2 years ago?

I said no Dammit!  Brothers!

Does your family have life insurance that is allocated for funeral arrangements in the event of your death?

They haven’t said anything about it. I think it’s a surprise.

If you have given thought to this subject which burial would you choose for yourself  —  burial or cremation? 

I don’t know, I keep waffling.  Is waffling an option?

Would you be willing to pay $500 extra to have the Brooklyn Bridge renamed after you once you’re, you know  . . . ?

You mean once I’m dead?

Yeah that.

I guess.

Are you sure there’s not a discharged Veteran in your household? Did you look under the bed?

Dammit Dammit Brothers!  NO!

Are your loved ones and family members aware of what you desire for your own arrangements?

Of course.  They know I love Burger King and felt what else do they need to know?

How important to you, personally, is the location of the funeral home?

It’s important to me personally that it be located right next to a Burger King or a store that sells felt.

Are you absolutely certain you don’t have a veteran in your household?

You know what?  I’m getting pretty tired of your stupid survey, Dammit Brothers.

Okay,  but we hope you know that by getting tired of our stupid survey you’re forfeiting your “My Final Wishes Organizer” . . . Absolutely Free! 

But will I still get the Brooklyn Bridge named after me?

Only if you send The Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel a cashiers check for $500 made out to the Dammit Brothers.


Do you promise? Cross your heart? Hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye?

That depends.  How much are the needles?

$7.50 a piece.

How about two for a dollar.

Mmmm . . . Okay sure.

Will you throw in a “My Final Wishes Organizer” too?

We’ll have to go talk to our supervisor.  Wait here . . . 

Well, Dear Readers, it looks like negotiations are going to be going on for a while  so you might as well sneak out for lunch.  Hey if you happen to be going by a Burger King . . . well no never mind, I’ve got a bag of peanuts in my felt purse.  Wish me luck!

Until next time . . . I love you




22 thoughts on “The Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey

  1. Well dammit they sure are determined to find anyone who’s a discharged veteran! just tell them there’s one and tell them you’ll point him out AFTER they fold 2000 origami stars! 😉

  2. Is one of the Dammit Brothers named Janet? I think I dated her one time. It’s hard to concentrate on making love when your partner keeps asking about veterans.

  3. As someone who is playing this game yet again, funeral insurance is an excellent idea.
    One less thing to worry about.

    You should request to be cremated, then have your ashes mixed into your favorite batter, then turned into waffles.
    It could be like communion, but with a side of Burger King!

    • Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. And you’re right, we should all have funeral insurance.

      And I love your idea about being waffled. And then maybe frisbee-d into the sea?

  4. Those guys have been after you for years…they just won’t give up…. I thought you sent their brochure back saying deceased…….. oops that’s why they revved up their pitch…. but wait a minute if they think your’re dead how are you supposed to complete the survey….. my little brain ‘Pickles’ is very confused…. I think I’ll go to Burger King…. Diane

    • Ahaha! Now Pickles makes a very good point. Tell Pickles to drive through Burger King and order a hamburger with pickles as a reward, my treat!! (How does Pickles feel about felt?)

      • Pickles feelings about ‘felt’ are somewhat lacking but he wishes you all the ‘felt’ you can get your hands on! Personally he prefers ‘cashmere’.! ah… is blogging driving us crazy or what …lol Diane

        • Ahaha! Well I don’t blame Pickles for preferring cashmere! But for some reason Peanuts is a felt fanatic. Go figure . . . Oh and you are so right Diane! Blogging is driving us crazy!! But it keeps us young — somewhere around age 8, I’d say! LOL!

    • So true, Ronnie! But unfortunately they sent it to my house addressed to me! I’m surprised they didn’t attach a plastic card with my name on it for 10% off my next burial. 😀

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