Whatnot Wednesday: Boy-Like-Being Gets Girl-Like-Being

Welcome Dear Readers to Biff Sock Pow’s Whatnot Wednesday writing challenge post.  Today I’ve taken the liberty of posting a Science Fiction story about love and whatnot on different planets and whatnot in keeping with Whatnot Wednesday and whatnot.

Whatnot Wednesday:  Boy-Like-Being Gets Girl-Like-Being

Zing bellied up to the bar at the Intergalactic Space Station and ordered a human-being’s drink called a Zombie. If he understood it correctly, the rational for naming an alcoholic beverage a Zombie was that if one drank enough Zombies one took on the characteristics of a reanimated dead body.

Zing sipped his drink and thought about how weird humans were while scoping out the bar.

“You can put those antennae away, the Space Gals haven’t arrived yet,”   The bartender slid a fresh Zombie Zing’s way.  The bartender was a tall drink of water named, Mu, a feline sapien from planet Mumeria.  A fine pair of yellow eyes and a well-developed gift for witty banter made the Space Gals mad for him.

“How do you do it, Mu?”  Zing asked.  “How do you manage to juggle so many Space Gal friends?  Don’t you ever want to settle down?”

“You mean settle down with a Space Gal like Sally? “  Mu stifled a purr thinking about Sally.

“Sally does love cats.”

Mu’s back arched ever so slightly.  “I’m not a cat!”

“I didn’t say you were. I just said Sally loves cats.  Two totally unrelated statements.”

Mu reached out and gave Zing a whack. “Where I’m from we eat things like you.”

“Hello fellas.” Sally took off her coat and sat down.  “Am I interrupting something?”

“No, we were just talking about where I was going to take you tonight after work, Sally.” Mu said quickly. “We’re drinking Zombies.  Here, I made one for you.”

“I’ll go anywhere with you, Mu!”  Sally giggled.

Zing took a catnip ball and rolled it down the bar.  He could see Mu’s yellow eyes pick up the motion. “I’ll be right back,” Mu announced.

“How about a movie tonight, Sally?” Zing asked.

Sally looked down the bar.  “What’s wrong with Mu? “He’s acting weird.”

“I don’t know. Maybe too many Zombies.” Zing tenderly reached for Sally’s claw, and they sipped their Zombies and gazed into each other’s antennae.

"Love is a many splendored thing . . . emphasis on "many".

“I love you .  Most ardently.  Please do me the honor of accepting my hand my claw my whatnot in marriage.”

 

 

How To Play Whatnot Wednesday

  1. Write a blog post entitled “Whatnot Wednesday” (it can be about anything)
  2. Add these guidelines to the bottom of your post
  3. Add a link to this post in your post
  4. Add the tag #WhatnotWednesday to your post
  5. Post your post
  6. In the comments below in my post, leave a link to your Whatnot Wednesday blog post
  7. See how many bullet points you an end with the word “post”
  8. Most of all …. HAVE FUN!  (post)

 

Whatnot Wednesday: Baby Eating

Biff Sock Pow over at his blog Biff Sock Pow has added a new challenge for us.  Go to his blog and check him out (but only if you like to laugh).  It’s called Whatnot Wednesday.  The rules are simple (ish).  Here they are:

How To Play Whatnot Wednesday

  1. Write a blog post entitled “Whatnot Wednesday” (it can be about anything)
  2. Add these guidelines to the bottom of your post
  3. Add a link to this post in your post
  4. Add the tag #WhatnotWednesday to your post
  5. Post your post
  6. In the comments below in my post, leave a link to your Whatnot Wednesday blog post
  7. See how many bullet points you an end with the word “post”
  8. Most of all …. HAVE FUN!

Today’s Theme:  Baby Eating and Whatnot

Welcome Dear Readers! Well it seems the time has finally come to talk about baby eating, a topic that some of you may find a tad offensive. However, for those of you brave enough to continue reading past this point, let’s dig in and talk about baby eating, shall we?

Cue the first slide:

Disaster-Being-eaten-Lion-eating-baby
NO! WAIT! Don’t eat my baby!  At least let me run home and get the ketchup first!

Is it just me, or does this woman look like she’s not really trying very hard to save her baby?  I mean, she could just reach over and pry the baby out of the lion’s mouth.  Maybe she could even get the lion to open his mouth on his own with a few “here kitty kitty’s.” But no.  Instead she looks like she’s about to say, “Wait here while I run home and get the rest of my children. I’ll be back in two shakes of a lambs tail and I’ll even bring the lamb for dessert.”

Cue the next slide:

Medieval-Mythology-Saturn-eating-babies
Excuse me honey, sorry to bother you while you’re . . . uh . . .  whatnot–ing, but can I have some money? The traveling baby-spice salesman is here.

Okay, here’s a mother who will clearly never make mother of the year.  She seems far more concerned with the fact that the window washer is squeegeeing the underside of her husband’s calf than with the fact that one of her babies is playing with a fire-breathing dragon while another one is being eaten whole by a farmer on his lunch break.

And don’t you get the feeling that the man at the gate just sold her a case of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt?

And the next slide please:

Mythology-Demon-Demon-eating-people1
These aren’t really babies he’s eating, but in keeping with our baby-eating theme, let’s just pretend they are, shall we?

Okay, here’s a baby eater that can’t even keep up!  He’s got babies coming out of his ears!  Clearly this baby eater has it all, wings, a full head (and body) of hair and a bellybutton that looks like Mickey Mouse. And even though he’s feasting on a baby, he still has rather kind eyes, don’t you think?

In fact, I have a feeling he’d make a better mother than the other mothers pictured above.  Maybe that why people babies  are lining up to be eaten by him — probably figuring that since they’re going to be eaten anyway — they might as well be eaten by a kind sort of monster — at least one who has a belly button shaped like Mickey Mouse.

Linda Vernon Humor Baby Eating
“Hey! Getting my leg bitten off isn’t even making me cry. Well that’s refreshingly unexpected!”

Whoa!  Here’s a baby eater that can clearly pack it away (and probably never gain a pound!).  He’s got no qualms about chowing down on a baby two-thirds his size. I just hope his eyes don’t prove to be bigger than his stomach and I just hope his stomach is able to handle an entire baby in one bite.

Nobody would eat a baby like this today.  The potential for choking is far to great! We can only assume that this man is competing in some sort of Medieval  baby-eating contest for which the prize is an all you can eat baby buffet.  Let’s just hope he’s got a big supply of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt on hand cause he’s gonna need it!

And that concludes this week’s Wednesday Whatnot post.  

 

 

The Bible According to Gregory: Jeff and the Ammonia-ites

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesJeff and the Ammonia-ites

One day in the biblical land of unpronounceable names, there lived a man named Jephthah but let’s just call him Jeff.  Jeff had been shunned by his entire family and had to live in the land of Tob, a land which was considered inferior because it was so easy to pronounce.

But Jeff had a gift for slicing and dicing his fellow-man (or enemies as they were called in those days just as they are today) so naturally when the Israelites were having some problems with the strong-smelling Ammonites (pronounced Ammonia-ites) they followed the trail of blood to Jeff’s house and asked him to be the captain of their armies to kill the Ammonia-ites because the odor wafting from them was giving them all tension headaches. (This is way before migraines were invented.)

Jeff  Makes a Really Dumb Vow

So Jeff  said sure but only under one condition. He would make a vow to the Lord that when he successfully returned from slaughtering the Ammonia-ites, the first person to come out of Jeff’s house to welcome him home would be burned alive as a sacrifice to the Lord.

Then Jeff went into battle with the Ammonia-ites and the Lord made sure Jeff won because the smell was giving Him tension headaches too.

Let the Smoting begin!

After smoting everybody and their goat — up one side and down the other, Jeff was totally smoted out and returned to his house in Mizpah Estates a new housing development in Tob.

Well, the door flies open and out runs his darling little daughter joyfully playing her little timbre which was an instrument exactly like a modern-day tambourine only spelled more stupidly.

Oh Drat the Lucketh!

Jeff was totally broken-hearted when he saw his daughter run out of the house first.  He was so hoping it would have been his mother-in-law. Jeff's daughter problem

Jeff has a heart to heart with his beloved daughter, Whatshername

But because Jeff was a man of valor, he sat down with his daughter and pulled out his standard-issued  “So Your Father Is Going To Sacrifice You To The Lord” scroll, and they had a nice long, father-daughter chat about her upcoming demise.

Jeff began by telling his daughter the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears only in Jeff’s version  — instead of Goldilocks running away and never being seen or heard of  again, Goldilocks’ Dad burns her alive as a sacrifice to the Lord.

Okay, Daddy, sure, when you put it like that . . . 

After that, Jeff’s daughter was totally on-board with the sacrifice thingy. She asked her father if it would be okay if she went on a two-month slumber party first with her girlfriends in the mountains so they could eat smores and weep over her lost youth and lift each other up with just one of their fingers and mourn for the children who would never be hers and roast marshmallows and grieve that she must die a virgin and take turns telling ghost stories.

Phew!

Jeff agreed immediately.   He was  hugely relieved that his daughter was taking the sacrifice thingy so well and promised to buy her some really cute pajama robes to take with her!

The Actual Sacrifice Thingy

Two months later,  Jeff burned alive his only daughter, little whatshername, as an offering to the Lord.

The bible doesn’t mention whether or not the Lord expressed any appreciation, but then again, the sacrifice of Jeff’s daughter wasn’t even the Lord’s idea in the first place.  Turns out, it was just one of those big biblical misunderstandings that were always happening back then.

Until next time . . . I love you

Jeff's Sacrificing Party

Some Common Sense Tips

Hello Dear Readers.  I thought it might be helpful to post a short list  of common sense tips that my brain, Peanuts, just thought of.

Don’t worry about your spleen.  Nobody ever said on their death-bed, “I wish I would have worried about my spleen.”

 "Let's see, 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . ."
“Let’s see . . . 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . . oh I need to read these! “

If someone in your family is set on becoming a human cannonball, keep a mirror and a helmet handy so you can show them how stupid they will look to others.

Slit your car tires every night before you go to bed so that when you wake up in the morning there won’t be any flat tire surprises.

Did you remember to slit the tires?No, it's your turn, I did it last night!
Did you remember to slit the tires?
No, it’s your turn, I did it last night!

Never allow anyone to act out the poem Lizzie Borden Took an Ax on family fun night unless you are absolutely certain the ax is inaccessible and there’s no liquor in the house.

Always test out your  “experimental arsenic cookies” on the hamster first, and be sure he’s actually dead before going to all the trouble of serving them to in-laws.

"Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?"

“Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?”

Always keep a copy of Robert Rules of Order on you at all times to avoid the embarrassment of walking up to take the witness stand in a crowded courtroom when it’s not your turn.

Never engage in a conversation with a chatty robot before you know the location of their off switch.  (The same holds true for husbands.)

"Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have been 17823 days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 100. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1912. and. then. again. on . . . "
“Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have. been. 17823. days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 1400. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1035. and. then. on. . . “

Just make it a policy to never operate on friends. Period. End of story.

Listen Marge, it's not that I don't want to take out your spleen, it's just that you're a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry . . . .
Listen Marge, it’s not that I don’t want to remove your spleen, it’s just that you’re a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry but period end of story.

Until next time . . . I love you

Talking Edgar Allan Poe In Off The Ledge

We all love Edgar Allan Poe, it’s just that sometimes he tends to get a bit carried away!  Oh great, here he comes. Now whatever you do, please, please don’t get him started on Annabel Lee . . . too late!  Now you’ve gone and done it!

“What?  Did somebody say Annabel Lee?  It was many and many a year ago, in a kingdom by the sea . . . “

Just for future reference, Edgar, saying many and many is the same thing as saying many – I know you’re into writing so I thought I’d pass that along.

“That a maiden there lived whom you may know, by the name of Annabel Lee”

No, I don’t know her, but I have heard of her.

“And this maiden she lived with no other thought, than to love and be loved by me”

Uh . . . OOOKAAY . . .

“I was a child and she was a child in this kingdom by the sea”

Really?  Google says you were 27 and she was 14, but nevermind, keep going.

“But we loved with a love that was more than love, I and my Annabel Lee”

Shouldn’t it be: “My Annabel Lee and I”?

“And this was the reason that long ago in this kingdom by the sea, A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling my beautiful Annabel Lee”

So you’re telling me the wind was jealous of you and Annabel Lee?  Oh something’s blowing alright, Edgar, but I’d have to say it probably involves smoke, a skirt and the direction of up — if you know what I mean.

“So that her high-born kinsmen came and bore her away from me”

Uh, I have a feeling those high-born kinsmen were her parents, and  if they were smart, they  didn’t let her play with you anymore.

“To shut her up in a sepulchre, in the kingdom by the sea”

Hold on a sec while I google sepulcher  . . . Let’s see . . . it say s a small room or monument where a dead person is laid . . . WHAT?  Am I missing something here?

“That the wind came out of the cloud by night, chilling and killing my Annabel Lee”

Hold on!  Whoa!   OK, I don’t like the direction this is going in.  I’m calling your psychiatrist.

“For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams”

It’s too late to be all cheery now, just  get in the car, Edgar.

“Oh, the beautiful, Annabel Lee; and the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes of the beautiful Annabel Lee and so all the night tide, I lay down by the tide  . . .”

Yeah sure, Edgar.  You just keeeep telling yourself that.   Watch your head . . . that’s right. What’s that Edgar?  Where are we going?  We’re just going for a drive, Edgar . . . it’ll be fun!

“Oh my darling — my darling — my life and my bride, in the sepulchre there by the sea, in her tomb by the sounding sea . . .”

Listen, Edgar, why don’t I see if I can find a happy song on the radio . . . until we get there . . . not that we’re going to the Institute . . . no-no, we’re just going wherever the jealous wind blows us. . . it’ll be fun!

The Tragically Beautiful Annabel Lee!

 

And there you have it, Dear Readers,  yet another futile attempt by this blog to cheer up literature’s most gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe.

Until next time . . . I love you

Spill the Beans Friday: True Confessions

Spill the Beans

Welcome, Dear Readers, to Spill the Beans Friday where I confess personal things about myself that you may have suspected but you were much too polite to mention.

 

#1)  I can’t type, I can’t proofread and if my life depended on spelling, I’d be dead by noone nune 2 p.m.

#2)  I  sugar coat my sweets addiction.

#3)  I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for swings.

#4)  I had an MRI once and they told me my frontal lobes are unusually small.

#5)  Practically everyday I think  it’s either the day before the day it actually is or the day after.

#6)  Both input and imput sound right to me. 

#7)  I am horrible at video games.  It once took me 40 minutes to successfully complete one lap in  Mario Kart and why do they need so much grass anyway?

#8)  I always hang back when it comes to being the bowling scorekeeper or the flag folder as I have no idea how to do either.

#9)  I’ve never tried green enchilada sauce and I’m never going to unless it’s fed to me through a tube while I’m in a coma.

#10) I’ve never been in a coma.

#11)  I always suspect I’m not going to have anything in common  with people who give their age by saying “years young.”

#12) I’m super excited about the first two things I see in any museum and then I’m over it.

#13)  I only spelled museum right in #12 because of  spelcheck  spellcehck, right click.

#14) If someone tells me a really long story they’ve told me before, I can never think of a polite way to say, “Yeah you already told me that” so I just listen to the whole story again.

#15) I think my horse knows more than he’s letting on.

#16) The phrase “glass of ice water” and “glass flyswatter” are pronounced exactly the same.

#17)  I love I Love Lucy.

#18) I’m a food kick person — if I make chili or soup, I eat it for every meal everyday until it’s gone.

#19) I’ve never ordered coffee using the word “venti” and I never will.

#20) I’ve been kissed by Bill Murray.

#21) One time someone cut in front of me in line at the grocery store so I picked up a magazine and pretended to be reading it and pushed my cart into the back of them.

#22) I once got a flat tire while taking my daughter to school and had to walk 6 blocks  home in my stocking feet.

#23) I think Amy Schumer is equal parts hilarious and unhilarious.

#24)  The only newspaper I read is the wonderfully skanky Daily Mail Online.  

#25) I’m not good at following movie plots. I had to watch The Talented Mr. Ripley four times before I understood what was going on. (Probably due to unusually small frontal lobes.)

#26) I once stood right behind a guy in line with tattoos all over his body while waiting to rent The Illustrated Man.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Drop by next week for another installment of  Spill the Beans Friday!  And if you have anything you’d like to spill the beans about, I’m all comment boxes!

Until next time . . . I love you

David Makes King Saul Jealous

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
Gregory, the bible according to Gregory linda vernon humor

David’s Killing Skills Make King Saul Jealous

Last week, we learned that David was so loved by the Lord that even when David was sentenced to death by being  thrown in the lion pit, he didn’t get eaten because the Lord  secretly put milk and Purina Lion Chow into the lions’  saucers when no one was looking — rendering them too full for ripping and shredding.

(Wait a minute . . . that might have been Daniel . . . oh well, what’s the difference.)

So anyway, the Lord loved David just as much everybody else did.  That’s because David was as popular in biblical times as Brad Pitt would be today if he wouldn’t have ever met Angelina Jolie.

The Philistine Slaughtering Convention

Anyway, David was like a son to King Saul, that is until the day he and King Saul returned from a Philistine-slaughtering business trip and a group of teenage girls were waiting to meet them at the beaten-path-port.

As soon as they saw them, they  started singing, “Saul has slain his thousands, And David his ten thousands!”  (This was way before songs about  teenage angst had been invented.)

Even though King Saul made pleasant small talk with the girls while he autographed their stones, he made a mental note that since David was viewed by the girls to be a more prolific Philistine Slaughterer than himself, King Saul  was going to have to kill David.

Biblical Teens The bible according to gregory

Oysters were bigger in biblical days than they are now

The next day while David was playing the harp for King Saul, King Saul suddenly got a bee in his bonnet (this was way before crowns were invented) and decided to throw the javelin he was using to eat some really large smoked oysters with at David.

At that precise moment, David leaned over to turn the page of his harp music and the javelin went right over the top of his head, parting his hair so that it fell in an even more becoming  hairdo than before.   This freaked out King Saul because 1)  he used to be so good at darts and 2) it seemed like the Lord liked David better than him and 3)  David’s hair looked better parted on the side.

King Saul devises a convoluted plan to kill David because in biblical days convoluted plans were the only kind of plans that existed 

King Saul:  Hey Dave! How about marrying my daughter, Merab?  All you have to do is fight my battles for me until you are killed in battle. (King Saul hoped he hadn’t said the  killed in battle part out loud)

David:  Who moi?   I’m not worthy to be your son-in-law.  But okay.

King Saul:  Sorry no, she’s marrying somebody else!  Ha!  I can’t believe you thought I was going to let you marry her, but hey, how about marrying my other daughter,  Michal?

David:   She’s a girl right?

King Saul:  Yeah, with a boy’s name.

David:  Okay, but I’m not worthy to marry her either.

King Saul:  True.  But if you slaughter 500 Philistines I’ll let you marry her.

David:  500 hundred!  Five, zero, zero, Philistines? That many?

King Saul:  Okay make it a hundred.

David:  One hundred!  One, zero, zero, Philistines?  That many?

King Saul.  Okay, make it one Philistine.

David:  One! One whole Philistine?

King Saul: Listen, what about if you were to just go next door to Phil Philistine’s house, let his goat loose and over water his geranium plant?

David: Deal!

David just won’t die

When nothing untoward happened to David while he was over-watering Phil’s geranium plant, King Saul told all his servants to kill David. But King Saul’s son, Jonathon,  went to his dad and talked King Saul out of killing David and King Saul agreed.

That is until one day when King Saul was eating some really large oysters again and David was playing the  harp again and well . . . King Saul just couldn’t help himself! He threw his javelin at David.

Only this time David was prepared and not only dodged the javelin but also  managed to reach up and grab the smoked oyster off it as it flew by and popped it into his mouth.

This biblical story would have had a happy ending but the oyster made David quite ill which taught him a good lesson: eating oysters in biblical days was hugely iffy.

And that’s what Gregory learned in Sunday School todayl  Please be sure to stop by next week at this same to see what Gregory will learn in Sunday school next!

David and King Saul the Bible according to Gregory

Until next time . . . I love you