We all love Edgar Allan Poe,it’s just that sometimes he tends to get a bit carried away! Oh great, here he comes. Now whatever you do, please, please don’t get him started on Annabel Lee . . . too late! Now you’ve gone and done it!
“What? Did somebody say Annabel Lee? It was many and many a year ago, in a kingdom by the sea . . . “
Just for future reference, Edgar, saying many and many is the same thing as saying many – I know you’re into writing so I thought I’d pass that along.
“That a maiden there lived whom you may know, by the name of Annabel Lee”
No, I don’t know her, but I have heard of her.
“And this maiden she lived with no other thought, than to love and be loved by me”
Uh . . . OOOKAAY . . .
“I was a child and she was a child in this kingdom by the sea”
Really? Google says you were 27 and she was 14, but nevermind, keep going.
“But we loved with a love that was more than love, I and my Annabel Lee”
Shouldn’t it be: “My Annabel Lee and I”?
“And this was the reason that long ago in this kingdom by the sea, A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling my beautiful Annabel Lee”
So you’re telling me the wind was jealous of you and Annabel Lee? Oh something’s blowing alright, Edgar, but I’d have to say it probably involves smoke, a skirt and the direction of up — if you know what I mean.
“So that her high-born kinsmen came and bore her away from me”
Uh, I have a feeling those high-born kinsmen were her parents, and if they were smart, they didn’t let her play with you anymore.
“To shut her up in a sepulchre, in the kingdom by the sea”
Hold on a sec while I google sepulcher . . . Let’s see . . . it say s a small room or monument where a dead person is laid . . . WHAT? Am I missing something here?
“That the wind came out of the cloud by night, chilling and killing my Annabel Lee”
Hold on! Whoa! OK, I don’t like the direction this is going in. I’m calling your psychiatrist.
“For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams”
It’s too late to be all cheery now, just get in the car, Edgar.
“Oh, the beautiful, Annabel Lee; and the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes of the beautiful Annabel Lee and so all the night tide, I lay down by the tide . . .”
Yeah sure, Edgar. You just keeeep telling yourself that. Watch your head . . . that’s right. What’s that Edgar? Where are we going? We’re just going for a drive, Edgar . . . it’ll be fun!
“Oh my darling — my darling — my life and my bride, in the sepulchre there by the sea, in her tomb by the sounding sea . . .”
Listen, Edgar, why don’t I see if I can find a happy song on the radio . . . until we get there . . . not that we’re going to the Institute . . . no-no, we’re just going wherever the jealous wind blows us. . . it’ll be fun!
And there you have it, Dear Readers, yet another futile attempt by this blog to cheer up literature’s most gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
David’s Killing Skills Make King Saul Jealous
Last week, we learned that David was so loved by the Lord that even when David was sentenced to death by being thrown in the lion pit, he didn’t get eaten because the Lord secretly put milk and Purina Lion Chow into the lions’ saucers when no one was looking — rendering them too full for ripping and shredding.
(Wait a minute . . . that might have been Daniel . . . oh well, what’s the difference.)
So anyway, the Lord loved David just as much everybody else did. That’s because David was as popular in biblical times as Brad Pitt would be today if he wouldn’t have ever met Angelina Jolie.
The Philistine Slaughtering Convention
Anyway, David was like a son to King Saul, that is until the day he and King Saul returned from a Philistine-slaughtering business trip and a group of teenage girls were waiting to meet them at the beaten-path-port.
As soon as they saw them, they started singing, “Saul has slain his thousands, And David his ten thousands!” (This was way before songs about teenage angst had been invented.)
Even though King Saul made pleasant small talk with the girls while he autographed their stones, he made a mental note that since David was viewed by the girls to be a more prolific Philistine Slaughterer than himself, King Saul was going to have to kill David.
Oysters were bigger in biblical days than they are now
The next day while David was playing the harp for King Saul, King Saul suddenly got a bee in his bonnet (this was way before crowns were invented) and decided to throw the javelin he was using to eat some really large smoked oysters with at David.
At that precise moment, David leaned over to turn the page of his harp music and the javelin went right over the top of his head, parting his hair so that it fell in an even more becoming hairdo than before. This freaked out King Saul because 1) he used to be so good at darts and 2) it seemed like the Lord liked David better than him and 3) David’s hair looked better parted on the side.
King Saul devises a convoluted plan to kill David because in biblical days convoluted plans were the only kind of plans that existed
King Saul: Hey Dave! How about marrying my daughter, Merab? All you have to do is fight my battles for me until you are killed in battle. (King Saul hoped he hadn’t said the killed in battle part out loud)
David: Who moi? I’m not worthy to be your son-in-law. But okay.
King Saul: Sorry no, she’s marrying somebody else! Ha! I can’t believe you thought I was going to let you marry her, but hey, how about marrying my other daughter, Michal?
David: She’s a girl right?
King Saul: Yeah, with a boy’s name.
David: Okay, but I’m not worthy to marry her either.
King Saul: True. But if you slaughter 500 Philistines I’ll let you marry her.
David: 500 hundred! Five, zero, zero, Philistines? That many?
King Saul: Okay make it a hundred.
David: One hundred! One, zero, zero, Philistines? That many?
King Saul. Okay, make it one Philistine.
David: One! One whole Philistine?
King Saul: Listen, what about if you were to just go next door to Phil Philistine’s house, let his goat loose and over water his geranium plant?
David just won’t die
When nothing untoward happened to David while he was over-watering Phil’s geranium plant, King Saul told all his servants to kill David. But King Saul’s son, Jonathon, went to his dad and talked King Saul out of killing David and King Saul agreed.
That is until one day when King Saul was eating some really large oysters again and David was playing the harp again and well . . . King Saul just couldn’t help himself! He threw his javelin at David.
Only this time David was prepared and not only dodged the javelin but also managed to reach up and grab the smoked oyster off it as it flew by and popped it into his mouth.
This biblical story would have had a happy ending but the oyster made David quite ill which taught him a good lesson: eating oysters in biblical days was hugely iffy.
And that’s what Gregory learned in Sunday School todayl Please be sure to stop by next week at this same to see what Gregory will learn in Sunday school next!
Hello Dear Readers and welcome to today’s blog where we will be talking about recipes for people who are all dead now.
Back in 1969, there were a lot of people in the world who liked eating Tomato Aspic, Jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf Salad. Unfortunately all those people are dead now — taking with them to the grave every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin. But don’t worry, through the pages of this bizarre cookbook entitled Knox On-Camera Recipes, we will examine in great detail some Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be. Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s history.
Knox Gelatin On-Camera Recipes from 1969:
The Knox On-Camera Recipes cookbook begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin which are as follows:
The Simple Gel
Unflavored Gelatin Snow
Lemon Chiffon Pie
And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into learning about recipes for people who are all dead now.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
Satan Tests Job
Job was a biblical character who lived in the holy land of Uz believed by scholars to have been located somewhere over the rainbow — providing there had ever been enough moisture in the holy land to produce a rainbow.
Job was always extremely careful when it came to not sinning against the Lord.
Cut to the Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room where The Lord was having a meeting with various heavenly beings one of which was Satan himself:
The Lord: Did everybody get their handouts on Sacrificing Do’s and Don’t’s and does anybody have any questions? Yes, the heavenly being with the horns and the name tag that says Santa. What’s you question, Santa?
Satan: Yeah, my name’s not Santa, by the way, it’s Satan, that’s a typo I caused to happen. Bwahaha!
The Lord: I don’t get it, what do you mean by typo?
Satan: It’s a . . . oh never mind.
The Lord: So what have you been up to, Satan?
Satan: Oh you know, walking here and there, roaming around the earth and holding Idle Hands Workshops for the aristocrats, the usual.
The Lord: Well that’s just super! Say, did you happen to notice my servant, Job, he’s like the best worshiper I’ve ever had! He never does anything evil!
Satan:Yeah, that’s because he’s got 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 1,000 head of cattle, 500 donkeys and lord only knows how many cats.
The Lord: That’s not true. I have no idea how many cats he has.
Satan: Bwahaha! There you go again with your sense of humor!
The Lord: My sense of what?
Satan: Never mind. Say, I’m just wondering . . . what about testing Job to see if he would still be such a Goodie-Two-Shoes if his life suddenly became a living hell. I could help you out with that.
The Lord: Well . . . . .
Satan:Ah come on!
The Lord: Well I guess, but only if you promise not to hurt Job. You know how hard it is nowadays to find a good Job.
Satan: Bwahaha! You crack me up!
The Lord: Am I to understand that is your awkwardly worded request stating your desire to be cracked up?
Satan: Say will you look at that! It’s half-past eternity already. Where does the time go? I gotta skedaddle. See ya around, Lord.
Sometime shortly thereafter the following events took place:
Job’s children were having a feast at the home of his oldest son when a servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing:
Servant: We were plowing the fields and got attacked! All your donkeys were stolen and all your servants were killed!
Job: But they didn’t kill you?
Servant: Yeah . . . (still huffing and puffing) . . . except for me.
Job: Oh great you’re the only slave I have left? And you’re not even in that good of shape.
Then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.
Servant: Lightening just struck all the sheep and shepherds and everyone was killed but me.
Job: Hmm . . . I’m starting to sense a pattern here.
Just then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.
Servant: Your children were having a feast at the home of your oldest son when a storm swept in and blew the house down and killed them all.
Job: Except for you . .
Servant: Yeah, how’d you know?
Job: Lucky guess.
After that Job tore his clothes in grief and shaved his head which was the standard biblical procedure when someone a) broke a new pottery water-carrying vessel b) misplaced their dreidel or c) had all their children and animals slaughtered by Satan.
This is about the time the Lord turned on his Heavenly Conference Room hidden earth video camera and observed Job when he said, “I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing. The Lord gave, and now he has taken away. May His name be praised!
In spite of everything that had happened, Job did not sin by blaming The Lord.
It’s a good thing too since Job had nothing left to kill.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week, come back next week at this same to so see what new bible lesson Gregory learned about!
Welcome Dear Reader! Well, guess what? The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.
The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.
Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:
The Patronizing Noodle Lady
Today the Patronizing Noodle Lady will set us straight about How to Use Spices by reviewing with us this booklet from the 1958 American Spice Association, a pamphlet written by none other than the The Patronizing Noodle Lady!
What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!
Patronizing Noodle Lady please rest assured that even though our interest in spices developed somewhere . . . somehow . . . we had absolutely no idea what was going on and just totally lucked into whatever interest we’ve shown. We were more than likely hallucinating when we saw ourselves as truly glamorous cooks!
Believe us when we tell you, Noodle Lady, that there is absolutely no “mysterious” and difficult feeling we’ve ever had (with the possible exception of getting sucked into a jet engine or falling into a pit of snakes) that is worse than not handling each spice correctly!
Patronizing Noodle Lady you must believe us when we say that we have been trying our whole lives not to confuse the word “spice” with the word “hot’ but it’s just so difficult. We’re always getting them mixed up which is probably why Aunt Martha died from that stomach ache we tried to help her with last week when we suggest she add four pounds of cayenne pepper to her oatmeal. Darn! That’s what we get for guessing!
Patronizing Noodle Lady! Please! Tamper with the basic ingredients! We would never dream of such a thing even if it is according to the dictates of our own imaginations. (As you have so generously allowed us! Thank you btw!) In fact, we will be happy to swear on a stack of cookbooks that we will never — under any circumstances — tamper with basic ingredients or we will swallow an entire tin of cinnamon with an Oregano chaser so help us Julia Child!
Relax? How can we relax with all this pressure we’re under. You wouldn’t happen to have any spices that would help us relax would you Patronizing Noodle Lady? Oh and just one quick question: Do we have to have a college degree to become an expert in the use of spices?
Alright!!! If we start right now using spices with only our high school diplomas, how long will it be before spices will not have any secrets from us? . . . Hello? Patronizing Noodle Lady? Did you hear us? Patronizing Noodle Lady?
Well, Dear Readers, it looks like the Patronizing Noodle Lady has quit answering us because she no doubt has more important people to see and better blogs to visit. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come back soon as there are plenty of things we still need to be set straight on.