Oh joy! I am getting married! You’ll never believe how it happened!
I first set eyes on handsome Smolden Farlington, world renowned British row-boat archeologist, whilst he was boating down the Thames in his luxury yacht, Diana Who? a hand-me-down from Prince Charles himself!
I just happened to be sailing by in the opposite direction — seated coquettishly in my restored, side-seat, sculling rowboat (once belonging to King Richard III) — with Hargrove and Mabel – a couple whom I had recently hired to be my traveling companions and a couple whom, I might also add, were proving themselves to be excellent rowers!
But perhaps I should back up momentarily lest I confuse you, Pamela darling.
As you know, my name is Elizabeth Plinkton. But I never told you that I am the Elizabeth Plinkton – of the famous hair-comb-empire Plinktons! My great-grandfather, Sir Randolph Plinkton, having invented the comb with the tapering teeth from large to small — yes, Pamela, darling, just like the one you currently have in your bathroom drawer right now!
In fact, I’m so rich I’m nearly a freak, Pamela! But alas, being exceedingly rich makes one want to die from shear boredom. You’re lucky you’re poor, Pamela, darling, for restoring historic rowboats as one’s only purpose in life turns out to be rather dull I’m afraid.
Which is why I had just slipped gently and quietly into the water – unbeknownst to Hargrove and Mabel — to end my life when, at that precise moment, Smolden Farlington and I passed each other like two ships in the night and our eyes met – his peeking out from beneath the bill of his borrowed captain’s hat and, mine – peering through the murky waters of the Thames.
Oh Pamela, darling! It was love at first sight!
I shall be married Sunday next, Pamela, darling! I would dearly love your presence- but, alas, you’re much too poor to invite– a fact that nearly breaks my heart but not quite.
Happy Easter Dear Readers! Gregory got this Twelve Disciples Coloring book in Sunday School and would like to share it with you! Gregory says have fun coloring and have a wonderful Easter!
The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!
One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships. Well this gave Jesus an idea!He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men! So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples.
So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!
Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited. He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.
Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus. He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.
Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six. Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision. Plus he had epically big guns!
Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a bestseller called “The Revelations”.
Then there was John’s brother, James. James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle. James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.
Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James. Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James. He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.
James the Less
Peter (or maybe Simon)
Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his immovable faith. And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all! Duh!
Peter “The Rock” Simon
Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the nail prints and two pieces ID.
Then there was Jude. Not to be confused with Judas. Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.
One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus. He was a tax collector and was good with details. Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”
And finally there was Judas. Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids. Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book! Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday School. Every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.
This week Gregory learned about King David. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.
King David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge
Once there was a king named David. David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot. Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David would have used a yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.
A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that, what with all the slaughterings, and what with all the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant. D oy h!
When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.
So the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio, had decided to sell it in their yard sale.
When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.
Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:
King David: So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?
Mr. Abinadab: We’re asking 25 goats.
King David: 25 goats? That seems a little steep. Does it come with coasters?
Mr. Abinadab: You don’t need any. You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark. I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was heavenly!
King David: Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take five goats for it?
Mr. Abinadab: How about twelve goats and a chicken?
King David: I’ll give you seven goats and half a chicken . . .
Mr. Abinadab: It will have to be seven goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.
Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection inside.
King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons, Ahio andAzzuh, the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.
Mr. Abinadab: Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that? They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.
King David: Ha ha! Well that’s to be expected. Don’t tell me! 2 mph in a 1 mph zone?
Mr. Abinadab: No, 3 mph in a 1 mph zone!
King David: How is that possible?
Mr. Abinadab: Tailwind.
As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.
Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark. His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.
Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.
Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his twoone son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenant Fudge was heavenly.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Please come bynext week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school!