Noah Builds the Ark – Step One

“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we? 

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesNoah Builds the Ark – Step One

When last we left Noah, God was explaining to Noah about how wicked everyone on earth was and how evil their thoughts were and that He was sorry He had ever made them.

Noah:  Don’t be discouraged about how mankind turned out, Lord.  You’ve got to remember it was your first try at making large amounts of people.

God:  I’m full of regret, Noah.  Everyone on earth is thinking evil thoughts all the time.

Noah:  Well maybe if you didn’t listen in on their thoughts so much.  Maybe you just need a vacation from everybody’s thoughts.

God:  See that’s what I like about you Noah, you’re upbeat!  You don’t have any faults!  You’re the only good man of your time.

Noah:  Ah shucks, God, you’re embarrassing me.

God:  No, I mean that.  Out of all of mankind, I only like you.  You’re my best friend!  Mankind is like a way, way distant second compared to you, Noah. You’re the only good man I ever created.  In fact, come here, I want to give you a big hug.

Noah:  Awkward.

God:  Come on! I won’t bite!  I may wipe you out in a flood, but I won’t bite!

Noah:  God you made a joke!

God:  I did?  Well you bring out the best in me, Noah.  Say, you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of that pomegranate wine cooler on hand would you?

Noah:  Sure do you want one?

God:  Does a bear sit in the woods?

Noah:  Ah ha ha! You made another joke, Lord!

God:  I don’t get it.  What’s the joke?

Noah:  Well, you know, because a bear doesn’t sit in the woods it— uh . . . hey,   you want that wine cooler in a goblet, God, or do you want to drink it right out of the pottery vessel?

God:   Just give me the vessel.  Anyway,  like I was saying, Noah.  I have decided to put an end to all of mankind.  I will destroy them completely because the world is full of their violent deeds.  Mm . . .great wine cooler  Do you have any Pringles?

Noah:  Yes but they’re a little stale.  The expiration date was 500 years ago. I borrowed them from Grandpa Methusula.

God:  Is he still alive?  Awesome!

Noah:  He’s 969, but could pass for a 700, I kid you not!

God:  Super!  Anyway, getting back to the flood I’m sending to wipe out every living thing on earth except for you and your family; I took the liberty of drawing up some plans so you can build a boat.

Noah:  But Lord!  I can’t even figure out how to put  together a bookshelf.

God:  Oy pshaw Noah!  All you have to do is make a boat with  some rooms in it, cover it with tar inside and out, make it 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high, make a roof with a space of 18 inches between the roof and the sides.  Then simply construct three decks and slap a door on the side.  It’s just you’re basic biblical boat.  No big whoop.  Don’t over-think it.

noah
“My boat building skills are kind of iffy, Lord.  On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about rafts?

Noah:  But Lord, when it comes to carpentry I’m all thumbs.

God:  You’re kidding me.  Where were you when I was passing out  fingers?

Noah:  I was . . . no Lord.  It’s just an expression.

God:    Listen, Noah, why don’t you get your three sons to help you out with building the boat.  What are their names again?  Moe, Curly and Shemp?

Noah:  But, Lord, my oldest son is only a hundred.  He’s still in that toddler stage.

God:  Oh well I’m a little worried then.  Maybe I’ll have to wipe you–

Noah:  No no no no no no no!  Lord!  I was just kidding!  I can build a boat. Absolutely! Positively!  Not a problem at all.  I’ll  get ‘er done!

God:  I’m so relieved to hear you say that Noah.  Because building that boat?

Noah:  Yeah.

God:  Well that’s the easy part.  Wait til you hear what I’ve got in mind for step two . . .

And there you have it,  Dear Readers.  This week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week to learn about Step two of God’s plan for Noah.

Noah and God

Until next time  . . . I love you

Jesus, Twix Bars, and the Samaritan Woman

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week:

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible storiesJesus, Twix Bars and the Samaritan Woman

When Jesus was alive, he had to walk everywhere.  Biblical walking wasn’t much fun.  Everybody wore opened-toed shoes with no arch support, and there was ox manure everywhere and people were constantly stubbing their toes on the stones that were laying around all over the place– which made the countryside convenient for impromptu stonings, sure, but horrible for walking.

One day on his way to Galilee, Jesus and his disciples got a little lost and realized they would have to walk through Samaria.  In those days, Samaria was to Jesus and his disciples what Mexico is to Americans today.  Fun but iffy.

After stepping in ox manure and stubbing their toes on rocks all the way there (except for Jesus who not only  knew exactly where, but, more importantly, where not to step), the disciples and Jesus were pretty tuckered out.

Finally they came to a well and Jesus sat down to rest while the disciples, who were starving, went to find a good goat burger drive walk-through.

A Samaritan woman came to draw water from the well that Jesus was sitting on.

The Bible According to Gregory, Linda Vernon Humor, Jesus and Samaritan Woman humorous bible stories

Here is the conversation that ensued as summarized by Gregory who’s never read the bible and doesn’t ever listen in Sunday school:

Samaritan Woman:  Uh, excuse me. Can you move over, I’m trying to draw some water.

Jesus:  Will you give me a drink of water?

Samaritan Woman:  Well uh . . . I see by your name tag that you’re a Jew and I’m a Samaritan and Jews never drink out of Samaritan cups!

Jesus:    Actually, I could give you some water.  Some living water and then you would never be thirsty again.  Indeed the water I give will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

Samaritan Woman:  No kidding?  Kind of like a camel only better!

Jesus:  Go get your husband.

Samaritan Woman:  I have no husband.

Jesus:  You are right when you say you have no husband.  The fact is, you have had five husbands and the man you now have is not your husband.  What you just said is true.

Samaritan Woman:  So you’re the one whose been reading my diary!

Then Jesus told the woman the time is coming when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth.

Samaritan Woman:  Well I know that Messiah is coming.  When he comes he will explain everything to us.

Jesus:  “I am the one speaking to you –I am he!”

Just then the disciples showed up with some righteous goat burgers and the woman left her water jug and ran  back to the village to tell the Village People (who just happened to be playing there that day) as well as the rest of the village people that they were never going to believe who she just met at the well . . .

The bible acording to Gregory, Linda Venron Humor

Meanwhile the disciples were trying to get Jesus to eat.

Disciple:  Rabbi, eat something!

Jesus:  “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”

The disciples waited for Jesus to pull a Twix out of his robe pocket, but instead Jesus said, “My food, is to do the will of him who sent me to finish his work.”

If the disciples were disappointed, they tried not to show it.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week, to see what Gregory new exciting things Gregory will learn in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Apostle Pizza Party

“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school.  Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?

 LInda Vernon humoous bible stories

The Apostle Pizza Party

After Easter, Jesus appeared to his disciples 40 times.  Nobody knows whether Jesus came to visit them once a day for 40 days, or once every other day for 80 days or twice a day for 20 days.  

Biblical Scholars have tried to work it out mathematically, but have never been able to come up with the right answer which explains why they majored in theology in college and not math.

Cloudy with a 100% Chance of Ascension

The very last time Jesus came to visit the apostles, one of them asked Jesus if he would be giving back the Kingdom to Israel, and when Jesus answered that that decision was up to His Dad, the apostles must have look disappointed because Jesus quickly added:

“But when the Holy Spirit comes upon you, you will be filled with power and you will be witnesses for me in Jerusalem, in all of Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

This cheered the apostles up considerably because not only were they looking forward to the holy spirit coming upon them; it also meant they were going to have jobs that included travel.

After telling the apostles this, Jesus was taken up to heaven while the apostles watched Him even though a cloud was hiding Jesus from their sight.  

Biblical scholars are uncertain as to whether this cloud was intentional or if it was just the most ill-timed rain cloud in the history of mankind.

While the apostles were trying to get a glimpse of Jesus through the cloud, two men dressed in white suddenly appeared beside them and asked:

“Galileans, why are you standing here looking up at the sky?  This Jesus, who was taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way that you saw him go to heaven.” 

If the Apostles responded by saying — “Why would that  make us not want to watch while Jesus ascends to heaven?” the bible isn’t letting us in on it.

The Apostles Go Back to Their Room

After that, the Apostles went back to Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives which the bible is sure to mention was only about a half a mile away from Jerusalem — even though the bible doesn’t say why the Mount of Olives was called the Mount of Olives in the first place. (Some scholars believe that it was because the mountain was made entirely of olives while other scholars can’t stand the taste of olives.)

Once they got back to Jerusalem, the apostles went up to the room where they were staying and all the apostles were there except for guess who?  Judas and the guy who was suppose to deliver the fig pizza.

Judas’s Untimely Demise

Everybody knew why Judas wasn’t there.  After  betraying Jesus, Judas had gained an enormous amount of weight and eventually went into a field and died from choking on a ham sandwich after which he burst open and all his insides spilled out — grossing out everyone and their goat — even including the lepers who were totally used to being grossed out.

Anyway, after praying about who should replace Judas, two clear choices emerged:  Justus and Matthias.  After praying some more, choosing lots,  rolling dice and using the Roman Applause Meter (hand cranked), it was determined that Matthias won by a clap.

Right about then the fig pizza guy finally showed up.  Everybody felt bad for the loser, Justus, so they let him help himself to the pizza first. 

 And thus Justus was served.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please stop by next week to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school.

Until next time . . . I love you

Matthais get's to be the new Apostle

Moses and the Murmuring Mumblers

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Stories. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor Moses and the Murmuring Mumblers

One day, while Moses was cleaning out his closet, throwing out robes he hadn’t worn for over a year (because the same rules applied for closet cleaning in biblical days as they do today), there was a knock on the door of his tent. Of course Moses didn’t hear it, for knocking on doors made out of cloth was a rather futile endeavor even back in  biblical times.

But  Mose’s wife had excellent hearing and yelled to Moses that someone was at the door  and would he mind answering it as she was in the Bathshebaroom. So Moses answered the door but it wasn’t the Lord, it was a spy the Lord had sent to go to the land of Canaan to bring back some fruit and to find out if the people there were going to be hard or easy to slaughter on a scale of one to ten, one being cinchy and ten being No Way Jose!

The conversation might have gone something like this:

Moses:  So are the people in Canaan  going to be hard to slaughter or easy?

Spy:    Icksnay on the easy-ay

Moses:  Uh is that a yes or a no . . . my Pig Latin’s a little rusty, sorry.

Spy:  Let’s put it this way, everybody there was at least 40 cubits tall.

Moses:    I’m terrible with weights and measures, sorry . . .

Spy:  Well you know how big a grasshopper is compared to us?

Moses:   That depends . . . is a grasshopper the same as a locust?

Spy:  Well, I’ve got a grasshopper in my pocket,  see how big he is?

Moses: Oh my gosh!

Spy:  Yeah, well  that’s how big we are compared to the people we saw.

Moses:  Uh oh . . .

Spy:  Suffice it to say, Moses, that these people are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.

Moses:  Oy!  And what does suffice mean again?

Spy:  We are going to get our donkeys whooped!

Moses:  I  don’t like the sounds of that! Perhaps as a precautionary measure we should hide our asses before battle.

Spy:  Uh, I don’t think there’s  going to be any battle. On the way over here all the unwashed masses were murmuring and mumbling about how they weren’t  going to go to war.

Moses: All the unwashed masses murmured that?

Spy:  Yes and mumbled it too.

Moses:  Oy!  But what about the washed masses?

Spy:  Six of one, half a dozen of the other, you know what I mean?

Moses:  No.

Seconds later, the Lord showed up on his pillar cloud and told Moses that because the unwashed masses  didn’t want to go into battle, the Lord was going to kill each and every one of them including their children and grandchildren — then scatter their corpses across the wilderness, Moses thought it might be a good time to stage a drunk with power intervention.

So Moses tried to reason with the Lord, pointing out that if the  Lord killed everybody,  He would besmirch His reputation as a Huggable Teddy Bear Stuffed with Loving Kindness who traveled around the land in His Cloud Pillar answering  prayers and whatnot.

But the Lord was umoved by Moses’ intervention and sent everyone scurrying to go to battle with the giants of Canaan.  Naturally every Israelite that went to battle the giants was stepped on and squished  in the first three minutes and the ones that weren’t got  sprayed with Raid Israelite Spray.

It was just as well, really, because as it turns out the unwashed masses had forgotten and left the Ark of the Covenent in Moses’ tent  and a good time was had by everyone who wasn’t dead.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s installment of  The Bible According to Gregory.  Stayed to tuned next week for more biblical adventures!

Until next time . . . I love you

the Murmuring Mumblers

The Day Jesus Made His Mom Proud

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory goes to Sunday School and  every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about the first miracle that Jesus performed.

In biblical days, people were hard to get rid of.  If you invited people over for dinner (which in those days was called a feast) they would stay way too long and totally wear out their welcome.

One day Jesus and the disciples were invited to a wedding and Mary, his mother, was invited too.  (Either Joseph’s name wasn’t on the invitation or he couldn’t get the time off.)

Anyway, after the wedding everybody went over to the bridegroom’s house for some hardy feasting.  There was wine and food and music and fun and wine.

And just like today, if the wine runs out before the party is over, somebody has to do something about it.  That’s exactly what happened.

Just as Mary was going to refill her wine goblet, she overheard one of the servants  talking about how the guests were complete lushes who had drunk everything in the house including the water in the fish bowl.

“I will tell Jesus,” Mary assured the servants.

Mary wove her way through the revelers and found Jesus who was just about to belt out a rousing rendition of Amazing Grace on the Karaoke machine (hand cranked).

“They have no more wine.”  Mary announced unceremoniously.

To which Jesus replied, “Why are you telling me?” (Jesus tended to get a tiny bit sassy with his mom whenever she interrupted his Karaoke fun.)

Now Mary knew that Jesus would do something to help the people with their drinking problem (of not having anymore wine).   She ran back to the servants and said, “Whatever He tells you to do, do it.”

Once Jesus was finished singing (he was the original crooner, it was such a pity I left my heart in San Francisco hadn’t been invented yet), he looked around and saw six water pots and told the servants to fill all six jars with water which they did.

“Now,” Jesus said, “dip wine from the jar and carry it to the man who is in charge of the feast.”

Which they also did and by the time the man put the water to his lips, it had turned into the best wine the man had ever gotten drunk on!

So he called the bridegroom over and said,”Everyone else serves the best wine first, and after the guests have drunk a lot he serves the ordinary wine.  But you have kept the best wine until now.”

The man who was taking care of the feast did not know that Jesus had turned water into wine. The bridegroom did not know either.  The bridegroom just assumed that the servants had found the stash of expensive wine he had taken great pains to hide before everybody arrived.

But the servants knew and Mary knew that Jesus had performed his very first miracle.  Jesus had turned water into wine, not bum wine either, but really, really, really good wine. Mary couldn’t have been prouder!

“How’s that Jesus?”
“Keep pouring.”
“Is that enough?”
“No keep pouring!”
“Jesus! It’s going to overflow!”
“No, keep pouring, I know what I’m doing.”

 * * *

Until next time. . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God created Adam and Eve.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Adam Takes a Wife Please

When Adam lived alone in the garden of Eden, the Lord noticed that Adam wasn’t doing so well.  First of all, the garden was a mess.  There were banana peels and watermelon rinds and half-eaten figs piled everywhere. Even though it was Adam’s job to be the guardian of the garden, he kept forgetting to water the plants and the last time he had actually mowed the lawn was never.

Most of the time all Adam wanted to do was sit in a big pile of leaves and stare straight ahead imagining how much better his life would be if God would create two teams of men who dressed up in cool outfits and tackled each other.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.”

And Adam rubbed his hands together and thought, “Hot Diggity Dog!”

But when God took some soil and started forming animals and birds, Adam’s smile quickly faded.

God:  What’s the matter Adam?  Don’t you like the animals I’m creating?  Lookee this one!  It’s got fur, a bill and webbed feet!  Isn’t it hilarious?

Adam:  Meh . . .

God:  Ah come on, Sport!  Cheer up!  I’m going to let you name them all.

Adam: But I don’t want to name all those stupid animals you’re creating.  That’s just another chore.  I never have any fun.

God:  Uh oh . . . I know a man who got up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.

Adam:  Stop making that joke, Dad, it’s not funny.

God:  Okay, but try taking another look at this animal with the bill and the fur and the webbed feet and just try to keep a straight face!

Later

God:   . . . and so this last one you want to call a Walrus?  How do you want to spell that?  With two r’s?

Adam:  You know what, Dad?  I hate to break it to you, but not one of the birds or animals you created is a suitable companion for me.

God:  What?  Not even the goldfish with their bubbly little smiles?

Adam:  No Dad.

God:  But why not?

Adam:  They can’t talk, they can’t cook, and they wouldn’t know a decorative pillow if their life depended on it.

God:  Oh I see what you’re getting at.  Here swallow this.

Adam:  What is it?

God:  Nyquil.

About an hour later Adam opened his eyes and Eve was standing before him.

God:  Welp.  What do ya think?

Adam:  At last here is one of my own kind.  Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh.  Woman is her name because she is taken out of man. Thanks Dad.

God:  No problem.

Adam:  Oh and Dad?

God:  Yeah?

Adam:  Before you go, how would you feel about creating two teams of men in really cool outfits, an oblong ball made out of pigskin — because I know you just created those pigs– I was thinking maybe it would be fun to watch them try to keep the ball from each other and whatnot.

God:  But while you’re watching them do that what will Eve be doing?

Adam:  Oh I don’t know.  She could be walking  in the garden, making new friends, sampling fruit . . .

God:  That sounds harmless enough.  I’ll do it!

Adam:  Hot diggity dog!

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Eve gives Adam a decorative Pillow
“Here honey, I made this for you.”     “Thanks!  What is it?       “A decorative pillow.”

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God’s Workaholism

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.  

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about Ezekiel’s unusual experience with the Lord and how he comes to the conclusion that God is working way too hard. Let’s listen in, shall we?

God’s Workaholism

One beautiful morning while Ezekiel was enjoying his breakfast of goat hotcakes on the roof of his holy-land hovel and admiring the view of the village shrub, he heard a familiar voice calling to him.

God:  Good Morning Mortal Man!   Are you ready to judge the city that is full of murderers?

Ezekiel:  Again already?  Didn’t you just punish and kill a bunch of sinners by starving everyone and making parents eat their children and children eat their parents and whatnot?

God:  Yes but God’s work is never done. You should see my in-box, Mortal Man.  I want you to help me punish some more sinners because your father was an Amorite, your mother was a Hittite and you were born in Canaan which makes you a Hiccup.

Ezekiel:  No it doesn’t.

God:  Yeah but it would be so cool if it did — so let’s just say it does.

Ezekiel:  Okay, so which city of murderers are you going to punish this time? By the way, don’t you have any vacation time coming up?

God:  Mortal Man!  I want you to announce what I am saying to the Ammonites who are insulting Israel. I was up til 3 a.m. writing a limerick about it. Tell me what you think.

“A sword is ready to destroy  It is polished to kill to flash like lightning.”

Ezekiel:  No offense, but it doesn’t rhyme very well.

God:  Well it does in the language I wrote it in.

Ezekiel:  What language was that?

God:   Uh . . . I’ll tell you later, but first I want to punish Jerusalem because they have no respect for the holy places, they eat sacrifices that are offered to idols, they sleep with their father’s wives, they seduce their daughter-in-law or their half sisters, etc., etc., etc.

Ezekiel:  Why didn’t you include all those sins in your limerick?

God:  And throw off the perfect pentameter?  Are you out of your mind?

God then began to symbolically explain to Ezekiel, due to his being a Hiccup and all, what happened after he was born.

God:  When you were born no one cut your umbilical cord and you were thrown into an open field.

Ezekiel:  Wow! That must have been one long umbilical cord!

God:  Listen up. I’m serious.

Ezekiel:  Sorry go ahead.

God:  I passed by and saw you squirming in  your own blood but I wouldn’t let you die.  You grew strong and tall and became a young woman.

Ezekiel:  Uh, you know, Lord, I think you’ve been working a little too hard.  Some time off from punishing sinners might do you a world of good. Because I don’t know if you’re just overworked or what, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a guy.

God:  No, I know you’re a guy. This is a symbolic story about you because your mother was a Hittite and your father was an Amorite and you are from Caanan which makes you a Hiccup.

Ezekiel:  I don’t get it.  Why do I have to be a woman in the story?

God:  I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about Jerusalem!  It’s a symbolic story!

Ezekiel:  Oh good then I’m still a guy!

God:  Of course you are!  Anyway then I passed by again and saw that the time had come for you to fall in love.  I covered your naked body with my coat and promised to love you. I dressed you in embroidered gowns and gave you shoes and a linen headband and–

Ezekiel:  Uh I hate to interrupt your story, Lord, but my goat hotcakes are getting cold.

God:  Oh sorry.  Well listen. I’ll come back later and tell you another symbolic story about how Jerusalem is a prostitute.

Ezekiel:  Well I don’t think I’m going to be home later.

God:  Well, when do you think you will  be home?

Ezekiel:  Uh . . . I’ll call you.

God:  Okay.  Call me anytime!  I’ll be up late working anyways!  I’ll keep my phone with!!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love youEzekiel in Gregory's Bible Stories