Gregory’s Summer Bible School: Gideon Gets Peeved

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Summer Bible School.  This summer Gregory will be learning all about Gideon.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory has learned about Gideon so far:

One day, shortly after the Israelites got back from the excitement of  battling Canaanites and cutting off the big toes and thumbs of  seventy kings, they were experiencing a lull so, not knowing what else to do with themselves,  they decided to do what they always did when they were bored — sin against the Lord.

So naturally the Lord had no choice but to have the mean, nasty, overweight Midianites rule over the Israelites for seven years (This was way before the Lord thought of timeouts).

The Midianites were bigger and stronger than the Israelites, who were more on the bookish side and who – aside from their large collection of big toes and thumbs, were not really all that aggressive.

So the Israelites spent a lot of time hiding from the Midianites in caves by day and tip toeing around by night planting their crops and tending to their cattle so as not to wake up the Midianites who were light sleepers.

But invariably some poor Israelite would sneeze too loudly and the Midianites would wake up, and come down from the hills on their camels.

The bible says there were so many Midianites that they and their camels couldn’t be counted, but most scholars believe this is simply because they wouldn’t hold still long enough.

Anyway, the Midianites would wreak havoc on the Israelites by trampling their crops, tipping their cows, messing up their hairdos and giving them all robe wedgies.

The Israelites cried out to the Lord, and the Lord,  who was wondering when they were going to cry out, sent them a prophet who came to them with a  message from the Lord.

The first part of the Lord’s message recapped what the Lord’s big accomplishments had been thus far which, of course, included bringing the Israelites out of Egypt, and freeing them from slavery. But the Lord never mentioned the parting of the Red Sea as He wasn’t that big on bragging, but was always secretly hoping someone else would bring that part up.

Then the Messenger of the Lord and Gideon had a conversation that might have sounded something like this but probably didn’t:

Messenger of the Lord:  Say, Gideon, would you mind if I sat down under this tree in Ophrah that belonged to your dad, Joash, from Abiezer’s family?

Gideon:  Sure, but how did you know all that?

MOTL:  I read the tree plaque. What are you doing?

Gideon:  I’m threshing wheat in this wine-press so as to confuse the Midianites.

MOTL:  To confuse them how?

Gideon:  Well, this way The Midianites will think I’m making wine when I’m really making flour.

MOTL:  Won’t they just think you are making wine and want to steal that instead?

Gideon:  What are you?  An attorney?

MOTL:  The Lord is with you, brave man.

Gideon:  Well, no offense but I’m a little peeved.

MOTL:  Peeved?  Peeved howeth?

Gideon:  All these horrible things are happening to us.  The stealing of the crops, the cow tipping, the robe wedgies, having to make flour in a wine-press.  What happened to all the Lord’s miracles everybody is always telling me about?

MOTL:  How would you feel if I told you that you will be rescuing Israel with the strength you have?

Gideon:  Yeah right.  Have you seen my muscles lately?  I can’t even tell you how sore I’m going to be tomorrow when I get done wine-pressing all this wheat.  And you think I’m weak, you should see the rest of my family, we once got beat up by a batch of kittens.

MOTL:  Doesn’t matter. You will defeat the Midianites as if they were only one man.

Gideon:  Okay if you say so.  Listen, I’m going to go fix you a snack.  Can you wait here till I get back?

MOTL:  Who moi?  Absotively!

Thank you, Dear Readers, for coming by Summer Bible School with Gregory!  Please check back next week for more of our lesson.

Until next time . . . I love you

I guess I’ll go fix you a snack.”    “Hot Diggity Doggeth!”

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Barbecued Goat Caper

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how Jonathan and his trusty sidekick got the best of a bunch of Philistines in 1 Samuel 14.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Jonathan and the Barbecued Goat Caper

One day King Saul’s son, Jonathan, was walking around the holy land with his sidekick, Young Man, whose sole job it was to carry Jonathan’s weapons — when Jonathan got the idea to crash the camp of some heathen Philistines.

Jonathan:  Mm . . . do you smell what I smell?

Young Man Whose Sole Job It Was To Carry Jonathan’s Weapons:  Yeah smells like some heathen Philistines are barbecuing some delicious goat!

Jonathan:  Exactamento! I really want to go over there.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Yes but to get over there we will have to cross a pass that has two huge jagged rocks . . .

Jonathan:  Jagged schmagged.  Maybe the Lord will help us.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

Jonathan: All right, then,  we’re going to crawl between the jagged rocks and if the Philistines tell us to wait then we will; but if they tell us to come it will mean the Lord has given us victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW: How do know these things?

Jonathan:  I dunno.

When the heathen Philistines saw Jonathan and his sidekick, YMWSJIWTCJW, crawling through the rocks they said in unison, “Look some Hebrews are coming out of the holes they have been hiding in!  Come on up here, we have something to tell you!”

Jonathan:  Did you hear that, YMWSJIWTCJW?  They have something to tell us. That means the lord has given Israel victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Oh . .

Jonathan:  What wrong?  You sound disappointed.

YMWSJIWTCJW: I was kinda hoping it meant they saved us some barbecued goat.

Jonathan:  Don’t you ever think of anything but your stomach?

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Let me put it this way.  Are you going to eat the rest of your fig?

Jonathan:  Sigh . . go for it.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Thanks!  You want I should kill the Philistines now?

Jonathan:  Uh . . . let me knock them down first.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next!

Until next time . . . I love you

Jonathan's Daring Deed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what the Lord planned to do to Egypt if the Egyptian Pharaoh refused to free the slaves.  Let’s listen in as he tells us about it.

The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

After Aaron and Moses’s  presentation to the Pharaoh — Bringing Down Your Overhead Costs by Replacing Slave Labor with Levers and Pulleys —  had completely fallen flat as far as freeing the slaves was concerned, it was time for Aaron and Moses to make the pharaoh an offer he couldn’t refuse.

It was time to pull out all the stops by utilizing:  The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters.

The next morning at the Cheops Holiday Inn Express breakfast bar:

Aaron:  I’m going back for more figs, you want anything else, Moses?

Moses:  Yeah, toast me some more unleavened bread will ya?

Aaron:  I don’t think we have time.  Their unleavened bread torch takes forever, and we’ll be late for our appointment with the pharaoh.  There’s still plenty of millet though.

Moses: There always is . . . just bring me some more goat bacon.

Later on the banks of the Nile:

Moses:  Well, hello Pharaoh!  Hi there priests! Thank you so much for meeting us down here on the banks of the Nile.  I realize it’s rather unorthodox, but we have a little demonstration for you.  Observe!

Moses opens The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters and pulls out a walking stick then waves it over the Nile river turning it into blood.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.

Moses:  Well you don’t seem very impressed — you’re stifling a yawn.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  I didn’t sleep very good last night.

Aaron:  Me neither. No offense, Pharaoh, but those wooden pillows you guys use are super uncomfortable.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  What other disasters you got in the box, Moses?

Moses opens the box again and millions of frogs jumped out.

Moses:  And these frogs are going to get into everything.  Your baking pans, your ovens,  you beds, your little skirts . . . .

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Big Hairy Deal.  What else you got in the box?

Moses:  Okaaaay . . . um . . . lets see here . . . how do you feel about gnats?  Really mean gnats!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.   You’re kidding right?

Moses:  Okay, maybe not gnats.   But flies!  What about flies!!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  You’re threatening me with flies?  Seriously?

Moses:  Uh . . . oh!  Here’s something . . . how about a disease to kill all your animals!! Bwahahaha!

Pharaoh:   Uh huh.  I’ve never been big on animals. What else?

Moses:  Boils?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Everybody’s already got boils.

Moses:  Okay how about hail then?  Hail that will hit the boils and sting!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh. Whoopty friggin’ doo.   What else?

Moses: How do you feel about locusts and being in darkness 24/7?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Actually, I enjoy both.  Is that it?

Moses:  There’s just one last thing.  A little something the Lord likes to call Passover wherein all the first-born sons will be killed and whatnot.  It’s a little more complicated to explain and, frankly, I’d really like to break for lunch.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Okay, well if it’s as lame as the rest of The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters, I’m totally unfazed, and  I’m not letting the slaves go anytime soon and that’s all there is to it.

With that, the pharaoh and his priests walked back to the pyramid.  Aaron and Moses could hear them laughing  and making jokes about how many gnats it would take to free the slaves.

Moses:  Come on Aaron.  Let’s go tell the Lord to put plan Passover into action.

Aaron:  Okay, but can we stay at a different hotel tonight?  Somewhere where they don’t have wooden pillows?

Moses:  What? And miss out on the complimentary breakfast bar?  Are you out of your mind Aaron?

Horus the egyptian god

Pigeons

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Moses’s Trick Chiseling Elbow

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Moses helped the Lord set up and take down His holy tent.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Moses’s Trick Chiseling Elbow

One day while the Lord was on a camping trip relaxing in His Tent at Camp Holy Land, He decided to dictate to Moses exactly how he wanted His Sacred Stuff moved when it was time to break camp.  Moses chiseled down His instructions.

The Lord:  Moses, when it’s time to go I want Aaron, your brother, and his two sons to come inside My Tent and take down the curtain in front of the covenant box and cover the covenant box with it.

Moses:   . . . and cover box with it . . . got it.

The Lord:  And cover the covenant box with it . . . be sure to specify covenant.

Moses:  Yeah but I thought I could just shorten “covenant box” to “box” as my trick chiseling elbow is acting up again.

The Lord:  Do as I say, young man,  or I’ll give your trick chiseling elbow something to act up about, and I’m not just whistling Dixie!

Moses:   . . . not just whistling Dixie . . . got it.

The Lord:  No!  Don’t write that down you idiot!

Moses:   . . . don’t write that down you idiot . . .got it.

The Lord:  Oy!

Moses:   . . . Oy . . . got it.

The Lord:  After that, have Aaron and his sons put a blue cloth over the covenant box then put bread on top of  that and spread a red cloth over  that and then put a leather cover on top of that and insert the carrying poles. Did you get all that Moses?

Moses:  . . . hang on . . . did you get all that Moses . . . got it.

The Lord:  Hallelujah!

Moses:  Are there  three or four L’s in Hallelujah?  I’m guessing four?

Moses's trick chiseling elbow
“H. . .  A . . .  L . . . L . . . L . . .L? “

The Lord:   Then it’s just practically self explanatory from there on out. Have them put a blue cloth over the lamp stand and olive oil containers and spread a blue cloth over the gold alter and put a fine leather cover over that and then remove the greasy ashes over the alter and put a purple cloth over that and put all the fire pans, hooks, shovels and basins over that and then carry it all to the next location without touching any of the sacred objects or they will die, yadda yadda yadda.

Moses:   . . . yadda yadda yadda . . . got it.  Wait a minute Lord!  Did you just say they will die if they touch any of the sacred objects?

The Lord:  Correctomundo.

Moses:  Did I mention my brother, Aaron has a bad back?

The Lord:  Not to worry, I’m hiring the Starving Kohath Clan Movers to do all the heavy lifting but it is your responsibility, Moses, to make sure that they aren’t killed by coming near the most sacred objects. In fact, if they even see the priests preparing the sacred objects for moving they will die.

Moses:  . . . they will die . . . got it.  Can I go now?  I need to ice my trick chiseling elbow.

The Lord:  Yeah you can go in just a minute, but first do me a solid and take a census of Levite Clan, register all the men between the ages of thirty and fifty who were qualified to work in the Tent of the Lord’s presence and then after you do that,  you’ll need to chisel down who I want to carry what.

Moses: Can I at least have a break to eat my goat sandwich I brought from home?

The Lord:  Man does not live by bread alone.

Moses:  Yeah I know, Lord, hence the goat!

The Lord:  Don’t get smarty with me, young man!  Tell you what.  First, chisel down my instructions for disassembling My Tent. It’s pretty simple, it will only take about 14 hours to explain and then you can have a bathroom break.

14 hours later:

The Lord:  Okay Moses I think I’ve covered which part of my tent all 8,580 Levites will each be carrying from here to the next camping site.  Any questions?

Moses:  Yes. Can I ice my trick chiseling elbow now?  It hurts dreadfully.

The Lord:  Oh wait.  Speaking of dreadful,  I almost forgot. Before you go, Moses, I need you to expel everybody from Camp Holy Land who has a dreaded skin disease or a bodily discharge and also everyone who is unclean by contact with a corpse and then you can go home early.

Moses:    . . . contact with a corpse . . . got it.  And then can I ice my trick chiseling elbow?

The Lord:  Sure except . . .

Moses:  Except what?

The Lord:  I haven’t had a chance to create ice yet.  Sorry.

Moses:  Why I oughtta . . .

The Lord:  What was that, Moses?

Moses:  Nothing.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning. Please check back next week to find out what wonderful things Gregory will learn in Sunday School next week.

Until next time . . . I love you

Covenant Box table cloth

God's Big Feet

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Samson

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Samson, The Headliner

One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out.  The bible says they all sang this song:

“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.

After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:

King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?

King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”

King C:  And?

King B to King C:  Nothin’.

King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up?

King E to King D:  Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.

King A to no king in particular:  Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.

King #228:  You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?

King B:  Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings.  Where did you come from?

King #228:  1 Kings 19?

King C:  Hahahahaha!  I knew it!  Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!

King B: I took them.

King C:  Why?

King B to King C:  Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.

Later:

King A to King B:  I’m about ready to fall asleep.  You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?

King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228):  No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him  stand between those two pillars over there.

King C to King B:  You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?

King B:  The latter . .   No wait . . . the former?

While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.

The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.

Samson pushing down the pillars

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: But We Keep the Goats?

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the people of Israel asked Samuel for a king to rule over them.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory But We Still Get to Keep the Goats, Right?

One day a man named Samuel, who was the ruler of Israel, decided to retire so he appointed his two sons, Joel (sometimes called Costello) and Abijah as judges to rule over the people.

But Abijah and Costello were always getting into hilarious scrapes due to doing such things as accepting bribes, cheating the citizenry and serving as horrible first-base umps.

So the people went to Samuel and demanded that he appoint a King to rule over them instead of Abijah and Costello.  Samuel prayed to the Lord and the conversation probably didn’t go anything like this:

Samuel:  Are you there God it’s me Sam

The Lord:  Sup Sam?

Samuel:  Oh no thanks.  I just ate.

The Lord:  No.  Sup is a cool expression I just made up.  It’s short for “what is up?”

Samuel:  Oh. Well, the people want a king to rule over them.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel rejected by them and I feel like they are making poor decisions.

The Lord:  Hashtag don’t go all emo on me, Bro!

Samuel:  What?

The Lord:  Oh nothing I’m just playing around with some new lingo.  Anywho, ever since I brought my peeps out of Egypt they’ve been acting super-sized bogus. To tell you the truth, it’s driving me cray cray. I’m considering unfriending them. Anyways, listen to the people,  but give them a strict warning about how being ruled by a king would be redonkulous! Capisce?

Samuel:   Uh . . . no habla Espanol?

So Samuel told the people everything God had said:

People:  We want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will send all your sons to war, make you plow the all the fields, make you harvest all the crops and force all your daughters to make perfume and bread 24/7.

People:  Who cares!  We still want a king!

Samuel:  Yeah but a king will take all your best vineyards, and all your best fields and all your best olive groves, and if that’s not bad enough, a king will take all your best servants!

People:  Boo Friggin’ Hoo! We still want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will take all your grain and all your donkeys and all your cattle.

People:  But we’d still get to keep our goats, right?

Samuel:  That I don’t know.  But most assuredly, a king will take all your servants.

People:  And we  keep the goats?

Samuel: God didn’t mention anything about goats, but if God gives you a king and you decide later that you hate being ruled by a king,  God is absolutely not going to help you out at all. Oh and I almost forgot to mention that God said to tell you that the king will also make you all slaves!

People:  But the goats are ours to keep?

Samuel:  Yes I suppose.   But do you want to live as free men while creating  a rich and fulfilling life for both you and your children or would you rather all become slaves but get to keep your goats?  God wants to know which it’s going to be.

People: What’s the latest we can let him know?

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to find out what Gregory learns in next week’s Sunday School class.  

Until next time . . . I love you

"You can put your hand down, I'm only taking non-goat related questions."
“You can put your hand down, I’m only taking non-goat related questions.”

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Jesus and the Foot Washing Incident

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about Jesus and forgiveness. 

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us all about it.

gregoryJesus and the Foot Washing  Incident

One day Jesus was invited to have dinner at the house of Simon, the Pharisee. The Pharisees were a group of middle-class biblical businessmen who hung around the Chamber of Commerce every waking minute to make sure everyone followed all the rules correctly.

Jesus and Simon were just sitting down to dinner when a woman who leads a sinful life knocked at the door:

Simon:  Who is it?

Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life:  It’s me.  The woman who leads a sinful life.

Simon:  Can you narrow it down a little?

WWLASL:  I’m the woman who leads a sinful life and carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever I go?

Simon:  Hm. . . wait a minute . . . you’re not the woman who leads a sinful life who carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever she goes and has hundreds cats are you?

WWLASL:  No that’s my sister.  She’s always borrowing my alabaster jar of perfume without asking.  If you’ve ever noticed, it’s got scratches all over it.  Anyway, I heard Jesus was eating dinner with you, and I was wondering if it would be okay if I came in and stood behind him and cried.

Simon:  Is that okay with you Jesus?

Jesus:  Sure.

Simon the Pharisee opened the door and let the Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life inside and she went over to Jesus and stood behind him — by his feet, crying, and wetting his feet with her tears. (Some biblical scholars believe Jesus’s Feet were double-jointed causing them to be in the correct position for getting wet if they were being watered by the tears of a woman who was standing behind him. Still other biblical scholars believe, however, that they work too hard and went home early.)

Simon:  Excuse me?  Hey you!  Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life!  Your tears are getting Jesus’s Feet wet.

WWLASL:  Oh I’m so sorry!  Gosh this is embarrassing.  Do you have a towel–well never mind I’ll just use my beautiful, long  hair.

The Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life then kissed Jesus’s Feet, and poured all the perfume from her alabaster jar onto the Jesus’s Feet.  Simon was thinking that if Jesus really was a prophet, he would know she was the Woman Who Leads A Sinful Life.  But if Jesus knew that, he wasn’t letting on.  Instead Jesus completely changed the subject:

Jesus:  There were two men who owed money to a moneylender.  One owed him five hundred silver coins and the other one fifty.

Simon:  Oy!  This isn’t going to be another arithmetic story problem is it?

Jesus:  No don’t worry.  It’s a parable.  Anyway, the moneylender canceled the debts. Which man would love him more?

Simon:  Uh . . . the one who was forgiven more?

WWLASL:  Is that your final answer?

Simon:  You stay out of this.

Jesus: Do you see this woman?  I came into your home and you gave me no water for my feet, but she has washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You did not welcome me with a kiss but she has not stopped kissing my feet since I came. You provided no olive oil for my head but she has covered my feet with perfume.

Simon:  Am I correct in assuming, then, that my killer recipe for Simon The Pharisees  Tuna Noodle Casserole Delight didn’t make up for all that?

But if Jesus heard Simon’s question, there is no record of it in the bible.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

"What's this?" "What's what?" "I don't know, it  looks like tuna casserole."
“What’s this?”
“What’s what?”
“I don’t know, it looks kinda like tuna noodle casserole.”