I, Platypus

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about when God had Adam name all the animals.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregoryI, Platypus

It was the very first Tuesday right after God had created Adam but just before He created Eve. God took some soil from the ground and formed all the animals and all the birds. Then He showed them to Adam.

Adam:  What’s all this?

God:  I just created all these animals and all these birds. Now I’d like you to think of names for each of them.

Adam:  But there’s so many!

God:  Yup, 1,589,361 to be exact.

Adam:  Okay let me get this straight.  You want me to cultivate the Garden of Eden and guard it plus think up 1,589,361 different animal names for all these animals you created? Not only am I only human, God, don’t forget I am the only human!

God:  LOL

Adam:  What does that mean?

God:  It’s an acronym that means laughing out loud.

Adam:  What’s laughing?

God:  Laughing. That’s  hard to explain.  Well here . . .take a look at this animal, it pretty much sums up my sense of humor.

God has a platypus on a leash and hands the leash to Adam.

Adam:  Awesome!  Fur, a bill, webbed feet!

God:  Yeah it’s venomous too which most people don’t know.

Adam:   Most people?

God:  Sorry, I got ahead of myself.  So what would you like to name it, Adam?

Adam:  How about a glerk or a floob?

God: Meh . . .

Adam:    Oh I know!  How about a  tittlefuzzwamper!

God:  Okay I like the direction you’re going in now.

Adam:  Octopus?

God: You’re getting warmer.

Adam:  Snickerdoodle . . .

God:  Keep thinkin’

Adam:  A platypus?

God:  Bingo! Good thinking Adam!

Adam:  This is fun!  What’s the next animal you want me to name?

God:  How about this one?  As you can see, it has two humps on it’s back.

Adam:  What are the humps for?

God:  Looks.

Adam: Okay then, how about a platypus?

God:  You already named the platypus the platypus.

Adam:  Oh yeah . . . well how about flatypus . . .  or . . . . oh I know . . . the  blatypus . . . oh wait . . . natypus!

God:  Sigh . . .

Adam:  What’s the matter, God?

God:  I was just thinking how long this is going to take.

Adam:  What are you complaining about?  You’re the one that’s eternal!  LOL!

God:  Adam! You made a joke!  There’s hope for you yet, young man. Now think of some more names.

Adam: Okay! How about a klatypus?

God: Keep trying.

Adam:  A blatypus then?

God:  No.

Adam:  A quatypus?

God:  Nope.

Adam:  Oh I know . . . platypus!  That’s a good name, platypus! Or did I already use that one already?  Hey what are you doing, God?

God:  Creating a chair . . .

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back next week to find out what happens when Adam finds out all the insects are going to need names too.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Too Many Platypi

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Meeting Jesus’s Dad

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson he learned.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Jesus brought his three favorite disciples to meet his Dad. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the story.

GregoryMeeting Jesus’s Dad

One day Jesus decided to take his three best friends, Peter, James and John up on a high mountain alone.   The bible doesn’t say how the other nine disciples felt about their not being invited and biblical scholars can only speculate that Peter, James and John came home to find their robes all tied together.

Anyway, once they all got up to the top of the mountain, the disciples watched while Jesus prayed.  The more Jesus prayed, the sleepier the disciples got.  Before you know it, the disciples were out like unattended oil lamps!

When the disciples opened their eyes,  Jesus had changed into his heavenly civvies which the disciples described as being as bright as the sun.

But that’s not all!  The disciples saw that there were now two men with Jesus.  One was Moses and the other one was Elijah.  The disciples knew who these two men were because most biblical scholars agree they were wearing name tags.

Peter piped up immediately and said he would like to build them all some tents.  One for Jesus, one for Moses, one for Elijah and one for the little boy who lived down the lane (Peter was a kidder).

Anyway just as Peter was going on and on about tents, he was interrupted by what looked like a shiny cloud, but was actually Jesus’s Dad, God.  God said:

“This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased; hear him.” 

When the disciples heard God’s voice the disciples all screamed and threw themselves face down on the ground.

After awhile, Jesus came and touched them and told them not to be afraid and when the disciples looked up the two men were gone and there was no sign of the shiny cloud.

As they came down the mountain Jesus asked the disciples not to tell anybody what they saw until the Son of Man had been raised from death.  The disciples pretended to know what Jesus was talking about even though they had no idea what Jesus was talking about.  (When asked about this later, the disciples insisted they did  keep the story a secret and had absolutely no idea how it had gotten in the bible!)

When they got back home sure enough Peter, John and James had their robes all tied together.

But Jesus’s stuff was just as he had left it.

“Fellas I’d like you to meet Noah and Elijah.”
“No I’m Noah!”
“Oh sorry, you guys look just alike!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Gideon’s Dog Day Afternoon

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned more about the adventures of Gideon.

Let’s listen in shall we?

gregory Gideon’s Dog Day Afternoon

Last week, the Lord sent a supernatural, glowing, angel who was wearing a radiant robe that had the words “God Squad” illuminated across the front of it with a message from the Lord about how He wanted Gideon to rescue the Israelites. The Angel was also carrying a magical fire stick.

But Gideon wasn’t convinced that the angel was really a messenger from God because in those days angels were always popping up left and right and magical fire sticks and regular sticks were practically identical.

The Angel and Gideon
“Hi, yeah, I’m an angel of the Lord.”            “Sorry but I’m going to have to see some ID.”

 

The Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool Miracle

Gideon needed more proof that God wanted him to rescue the Israelites, so he asked God to perform the wildly-popular Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle which was considered the G0-To miracle in those days for Generation 3000 BC Millennials.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

The Lord:  So, Gideon, did you get my message from the angel about how I want you to rescue the Israelites?

Gideon:  Yeah.

The Lord:  And?

Gideon: Well, Lord, I was hoping that instead of a message from an angel that  you’d perform the miracle where I leave some dry wool outside at night to see if it was still dry in the morning.

The Lord:  Aw come on, Gideon!  That’s such a lame miracle. If you really want a miracle, I could part the Red Sea.

Gideon:   Meh . . no offense but that’s a little passé don’t you think?

The Lord: Okay I admit it’s a little old school oh wait. . .  I’ve got an idea! How’s about I whip you up big ol’  burning  bush? We could roast marshmallows. . .

Gideon:  But I hate marshmallows! I want the  Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle! I want! I want! I want!  Gimme!  Gimme! Gimme!

The Lord:  Okay  okay! I forgot how spoiled you 3000 BC Millenials are!

Later:

The Lord:  So Gideon, I see you have amassed a great army to rescue the Israelites.  How many have you amassed thus far?

Gideon:  Let’s see here . . . Roman numeral one. . . Roman numeral two . . . Roman numeral three . . .

The Lord:  Uh . . it looks  like about twenty thousand.  Uh oh.  With so many men, they’ll  be sure to win the war against the Medianites and then nobody will give Me credit for it. And even though I’m God, I still hate it when that happens. We’re going to have to weed some of them out.  I know!  Let’s send everybody home who is afraid.

Laterer:

The Lord:  Did you send home everyone who was afraid?

Gideon:  Yeah, that got rid of 22,000 right off the bat but there’s still 10,000 left.

The Lord:  Hm . . . that’s still too many . . .oh I know!  Send them all down to the river to get a drink and then I’ll come along and send the guys home who drink out of the river like a dog. Then just to be on the safe side, I’ll throw a stick really far away and that should take care of the stragglers.

Latererer:

The Lord: Okay Gideon how many we got now?

Gideon: Let’s see here.  I think about 500 . . . oh wait . . .  make that 300 . . . 200 just ran after a cat.

The Lord:  Perfect!

Gideon:  Wait a minute, Lord.  I see  a couple of them are turning around three times before lying down.  Should I get rid of them too?

The Lord:  No.We’ll keep them as subs.

Gideon:  Good idea!  They don’t call you The Lord for nothing!

The Lord:  I love you Gideon that’s why I just created this stack of bibles with your name on it!

Gideon:  Oh Whoopty-friggin’-do.

The Lord: Pardon?

Gideon:  Nothing.

 And that concludes part II of the adventures of Gideon.  Please check back next week at this same time when Gideon’s servant, Purah, comes up with a fantastic money-making idea for Purah-ina people chow.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gideon's men drinking like dogs

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Elijah and Elisha

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s vacation bible school.  Gregory is having a lot of fun at bible school this summer.  Today he was asked to tell the story of Elijah and Elisha.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

 Elijah and Elisha

Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than “today”.  On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two bible men named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred).

The Very First Biblical Groupie

Eli was a traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan who followed Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog.

Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore.

Eli:  Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven.  So I’ll see ya around.

Fred:    Yeah but where are you going now?

Eli:   The Jordan River.

Fred:  Oh I love the Jordan River!  I’ll come too!

Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.

Fred:  I see plenty of room in the cart!

Eli:  Yeah, but I like to stretch out.

Fred:   Oh right!  Gotcha!  I’ll just run along behind.

When they got to the Jordan River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, he was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.”  (This was way before swimming had been invented.)

Fred: What?  You’re going to do some water parting?  Oh I love that!  I’ll come too.

Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.

A Lovely Parting Gift

Eli:  Hey listen Fred.  I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind  comes to get me.  So what would you like?

Fred:  Oh gosh.  I need so many things.  Some new sandals maybe?

Eli:  Great new sandals it is!

Fred:  But then again I could use a new cloak.  This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.

Eli:  Great.

Fred:  No wait!  I know!  I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!

Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!”

And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.

A Biblical Nervous Breakdown

Fred was so grief stricken, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails.  (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)

Then he spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on.  Seconds later, the Jordan River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him.

Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that Eli was nowhere to be found.

But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain. (This was way before Tide Sticks had been invented.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Vacation Bible School school! Check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns about next.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Elijah Ascends on the Lord's fiery chariot to heaven

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The 12 Disciples Coloring Book

Welcome Dear Readers!  This week Gregory was attending vacation bible school which is just like regular Sunday School only hotter and with a lot more coloring. Let’s see what Gregory got to color, shall we?

 Gregory Brings Home The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships.  Well this gave Jesus an idea! He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men!  So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples. 

So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited.  He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.

Simon

"Oops!  Let me try it again.  How about two out of three?"
“Okay, this one’s going right between his beady little eyes.  Oops!  How about two out of three?”

Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus.  He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.

Andrew

Andrew
“Nice to meet ya! Hey, don’t forget to grab a business card before you leave!”

Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six.  Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision.  Plus he had epically big guns!

Bartholomew

"Would you believe I only work out twice a week!"
And I only work out twice a week!”

Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a  bestseller called “The Revelations”.

John

"Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Jesus?'
“Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that Jesus over there?’

Then there was John’s brother, James.  James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle.  James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.

James

"A martyr?  Me?  Well what exactly does that entail?"
“A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?”

Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James.  Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James.  He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.

James the Less

"Hey James the Lesser!  Bring us some bread.""Not unless you call me Jimmy."
“Hey James the Less! Bring us some bread.”
“Not unless you call me Jimmy!”

Peter (or maybe Simon)

Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his  immovable faith.  And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all!  Duh!

Peter “The Rock” Simon

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle do know Jesus!"
Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle DO know Jesus!”

Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the  nail prints and two pieces ID.

Thomas

" . . . uh . . . .hmmm. . .  uh"
“Well uh . . .hmm!”

Then there was Jude.  Not to be confused with Judas.  Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.

Jude

Jude
“And that’s why the chicken crossed the road? Hahaha! Get out! That’s hilarious!”

One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus.  He was a tax collector and was good with details.  Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”

Matthew

"Can you say that one more time only slower?"
“Can you say that one more time,  Jesus, only slower?”

And finally there was Judas.  Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids.  Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.

Judas

I'll repent just as soon as I'm done spending
I’ll repent the minute I get back from Las Bethlehemgas

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book!  Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Pop Quiz Time

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. 

Today’s Sunday school lesson will be a pop quiz. HA!   

 

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesPop Quiz Time

 

In the beginning God said:

a) let there be light

b) turn on the light

c) what’s wrong with this light

d) let there be Bud light

God created the world in:

a) Six days

b) a snit

c) vitro fertilization

d) all of the above

God created man in:

a) his own image

b) lieu of a better idea

c) his blue period

d) an inebriated state

God created Eve from:

a) Adam’s Rib

b) the goat bones left over from lunch

c) plastic bags, baling wire and four cans of creamed corn

d) plastic bags, baling wire and three cans of cream corn

Which fruit was forbidden in the Garden of Eden?

a) the apple

b) the chocolate-covered raisin

c) the plantain

d) The sun-dried tomato

Eve got talked into eating an apple by 

a) a snake

b) a nutritionist

c) Mary Tyler Moore

d) a holy ghost

God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden for:

a) taking one bite out of an apple, not finishing it and then flushing it down the toilet

b) trampling God’s flowers

c) forgetting to water

d) subletting to chimpanzees

Once Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden of Eden, they didn’t want to be naked anymore because:

a) They never got a call back after job interviews

b) Frying bacon was quite painful

c) There was nobody to admire their lack of tan lines

d) It got chilly.

Please put down your pencils down. 

If you answered”a” to all of the above questions, congratulations!  You have just turned the world on with your smile!

I’m afraid the rest of you will have to stay after class until you find all 8 biblical Mary Tyler Moore’s in the picture below.

Mary Tyler Moore in the bible

Until next time . . . I love (is all around no need to waste it) you