Bizarre News from Around the World

Brazilian Man Survives Spearing Himself in the Head with a Harpoon

"It's either a tumor or a harpoon spear.  Let's run more tests just to be sure."
“Yes, I concur, doctor, that’s either a tumor or a harpoon spear. Let’s run more tests just to be sure.”

Brazilian, Bruno Coutinho, was cleaning his harpoon at home when he accidentally  speared himself through the head. The spear went into his left eye and lodged itself in the back of his cranium.   Bruno was still able to call for help, however.

When neighbors saw him they were horrified and reported that  they had only seen something like it in Brazilian movies.

Even though it took doctors ten hours to remove the spear,  they insist that Bruno’s brain function will not be anymore impeded than it already was to begin with, and that he will survive to clean his harpoon another day perhaps while watching Brazilian movies about Brazilian men accidentally spearing themselves in the head while cleaning their harpoons.

Unexploded Bomb Found in Kitchen Cupboard

"Hey guys!  Wait up!  I've got the first-aid kit!"
“Hey guys! Wait up! I’ve got the first-aid kit!”

Henry Southhall was giving a tour of the house he just bought in Porthmadog, when he opened the kitchen cupboard to find a bomb from World War II containing 16 pounds of explosives on the shelf he had been planning to keep his glasses and coffee cups on.

Bomb disposal experts rushed the bomb to a beach nearby and discharged it where they claim it left a big crater and could be heard from two miles away — as reported by one of the of the bomb disposal experts who was a real slow poke.

“I’m glad they found it when they did. I wouldn’t have wanted it going off when I was in bed upstairs.”  Southhall declared.  Who apparently has enough difficulty sleeping as it is.

Woman Eats 2500 Calories while asleep.

Bizarre news stories LInda Vernon Humor
Leslie Cusack round about 2 a.m.

Lesley Cusack is overweight not because she eats too much, but because she eats too much after she falls asleep every night.   Once Leslie goes out like a light, she goes right to the kitchen and gobbles down large amounts of food, and she doesn’t even know she’s doing it.

As Lesley is constantly telling people, she is powerless not to eat too much because of a genuine sleep related eating disorder which medical experts call  Sleep Related Eating Disorder. 

“I can only tell I’ve eaten anything by the remains in the morning.” Leslie recently swore on a stack of bibles and went on to explain,  “I tend to find opened tins of things or packets, and I’ve no idea whether I’ve eaten some of them cold or hot.”    Nor does Lesley have any idea whether she has enjoyed them.

The worst things Lesley is pretty sure she’s eaten while asleep are emulsion paint, Vaseline, cough syrup, raw potatoes and soap powder.  After exhaustively studying the situation, medical experts have suggested that perhaps Lesley should not store emulsion paint, Vaseline and cough syrup and soap powder in her refrigerator.

Giant Rodents on Steroids Being Sold as Poodles

poodle rodent Linda Vernon Humor
Yup! They look exactly alike! EXACTLY!!

A man in Argentina who purchased two toy poodles at a discounted price found out, after a visit to the vet, that he had actually been sold two giant rodents who were pumped up on steroids and trimmed to look like poodles.

Experts are still trying to ascertain how somebody could be that dumb and are investigating whether or not the man had recently been cleaning his  harpoon.

And there you have it Dear Readers, some Bizarre News from around the World!

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Writing Challenge: I’d Rather be Hyphenating

Hello Dear Readers!  It’s time for the Trifecta Writing challenge which is as follows:

This weekend we are bringing you back to class with a little refresher course on compound modifiers.  We are talking about two words that combine together to describe something.  Such as a well-rounded individual or a one-way street or a lightly-oiled pan.  Here’s a fun Trifextra trick: conventionally, if the compound modifier comes BEFORE the word it modifies, it requires a hyphen and counts as one word.  If it comes AFTER the noun, it doesn’t need a hyphen and counts as two. For example:
The well-read woman had an extensive vocabulary. (7 words)
The woman was well read and had an extensive vocabulary. (10 words)

. . . . Because it’s only 33 words, we’ll count using our eyeballs instead of our machines, counting each hyphenated modifier as one word.  We encourage you to do so as well.

I’d Rather Be Hyphenating

Eyeball-counting editors

They certainly excel

At counting words upon the page

And other things as well

A hyphenated modifier

Never counts as two

As long as dashy-little lines

Are stuck between the two.

Hyphenated word poem
“Let’s see . . . 27, 28, 29, oh wait . . . that’s not a dash, that’s a coffee stain . . .which would bring it up to 30 . . . .
 Photo Credit:  No one will admit to it.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Sick, Edible Horror of 1959

Hello Dear Readers! 

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly,  we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you were warned!

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten . .

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness!  What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

And in another equally troubling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup!  Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour!  Oh the vegumanity!

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of a pie made out of itself!   Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day (except maybe in a few third world countries)!

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family Cannibalism!  Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Strawberry!  We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains.  I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you!  But you were warned!

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta 33-Word Challenge: A Likely Story

Hello Dear Readers!    It’s time for the weekend Trifecta Challenge.  The challenge is to add 33 words to these three words:  charge, century and lost for a total of 36 words. 

A Likely Story

“How’d you buy the Admiral refrigerator, Colonel?”

“Charge card for the Admiral, Admiral Kernal, Sir!”

Where’s my Colonel Sanders Chicken, Colonel?

“Uh . . .”

“This century Colonel!”

“Must’ve lost it in the Admiral, Admiral Kernal”

colonel Dorel Linda Vernon Humor
“Don’t look at me!  I’m not even full, Sir!”
Geiser Frères Colonel Dorel wiki pictures

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Friday Fictioneers: The Demise of Steen Hig

Hello Dear Readers!  In this blog’s search for an upstanding noun, a decent verb and a sober adjective, no stone has been left unturned in the fertile fields of ideas.

That is why this blog was delighted to stumble upon this new writing  challenge called Friday Fictioneers hosted by the blog of Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple.

THE CHALLENGE:

Write a one-hundred word story that has a beginning, middle and end (Using the picture provided for a prompt.)  

wasp-nest

The Demise of Steen Hig

Steen Hig was born in the 26th century. The computerns who tended the human incubator nests had high hopes for Steen Hig. People did too, or what was left of them since the plague.  Steen’s DNA had been microfactured to rule an empire not of people but of computers who masqueraded as people.

When Steen turned 31, the ceremonies were performed; his implants activated — while his tearful father watched.  And just like that, Steen Hig became a god.

Yet it was only a knife that brought Steen Hig to his mortal conclusion.

“Absolute power corrupts absolutely,” his father explained wiping clean the knife.

Hey that was fun!  You ought to give it a try Dear Readers!  Have a great weekend!

Until next time . . . I love you

Junk Mail Envelope Questions

Hello Dear Readers!  Yesterday, when I went to my mailbox, I got a sales letter that had this question on the outside of the envelope:

Baby Boomer Junk Mail Linda Vernon Humor
Junk Mail Envelope Question

And then I got to thinking gee they really shouldn’t stop there.  I bet there’s lots of questions they could ask to get more business.  To that end, I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a few suggestions as follows:

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

junk mail humor, Linda Vernon Humor

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Effective as all get out Junk Mail Envelope Questions!

Until next time . . . I love you.

Sally Milkerson Becomes a Good Read

Sally Milkerson Becomes a Good Read

Little Sally Milkerson wanted a tattoo

She asked her mother Wanda

If it was something she could do

Wanda would have answered her

But you see she couldn’t hear

What with all the piercings that were pinning shut her ear

 

So Little Sally Milkerson went and got a pencil

To write her mom a note that said

May I please have a stencil? 

Wanda would have answered her

But her eyelids wouldn’t open

Thanks to all her piercings, in the dark she was agropin’

 

Little Sally Milkerson told her mother not to worry

She’d take the task upon herself

And get tattooed in a hurry

She skipped down to the tattoo parlor

A wad of cash in hand

And gave it to the Tattoo-er — behind the counter, Stan

 

 When Little Sally Milkerson came waltzing through the door

Her mother Wanda’s color drained

She toppled to the floor

A miracle! — It had occurred from somewhere up above her!

For her darling little daughter now

Had Harry Potter on her cover

Humorous Poem Sally Milkerson Linda Vernon Humor
Hey Sally can you turn around so we can see what happens next?

Until Next time  . . . I love you

My Brain Peanuts Thinks Up Another Magazine

Hello Dear Readers.  As you will remember here at the blog, we like to pretend  things.  One of the things we like to pretend is that Al Gore loves Funyuns and hangs out with Leonardo DiCaprio.  To that end, my brain, Peanuts, has come up with an idea for a magazine which my brain, Peanuts, and I think has a lot of potential.

Peanuts simply took the sports magazine, Golf Digest:

Gold Digest Linda Vernon Humor Al Gore


And combined it with  a popular lifestyle magazine like Real Simple:

Real Simple Magazine Linda Vernon Humor

And Viola!

Al Gore Magazine

And there you have it Dear Reader.  Al Gore in all his Funyun glory!

Until next time . . . I love you

Baby Boomer Junk Mail

Hello Dear Readers!  Gosh it’s a beautiful day.  Okay let’s talk about death now.

Here’s something that came in the mail today from the Trident Society:

Trident Society Linda Vernon Humor
The Trident Society wants dibs on your “vessel”

Apparently the Trident Society isn’t really a Society at all.  It’s just a nice way of saying we’re a company that turns a profit cremating dead people.  I don’t think there’s regular meetings or anything.  It’s simply that they are asking for dibs on cremating you after you die, but they want you to pay them for it right now.

Apparently there are lots and lots and lots of wonderful  reasons why you need to  pre-purchase your funeral pyre.  Let’s take a closer look at what they are, shall we?

Trident Society Commentary Linda Vernon Humor

The first reason for being cremated is convenience.

If you pay for your cremation now, perhaps when you die, one of your  family members (whoever gets the shortest straw) can simply go to a Trident Society drive-thru window, pick up your ashes and set you on the book shelf until the next family reunion — where you will be lovingly lugged along and incorporated into the prayer before the potluck lunch is served.  Upside:  It’s convenient as all get out.  Downside:  Alive or dead, you’ll have to attend the next family reunion.

Cremation is much less expensive and has less impact on the environment!

Now how can anybody say no to cheap and easy?  It’s cheap AND it’s better for the environment.  Downside:  You had to pay for it yourself. Upside:  Hey!! Lookee you!  You’re recyclable!

It allows families to provide a dignified resting place to memorialize their loved one. 

What is the Trident Society trying to imply?  Are they trying to  imply that your current plan — to give great, great grandaddy, Trevor, the ol’ heave ho on your next Carnival Cruise — isn’t a dignified enough resting place?  Upside:  Oh yeah!  Downside:  Just watch you!

And finally, Dear Readers, if the above reasons aren’t enough to convince you that you need to pre-purchase your cremation, Trident Society is pulling out all the stops by allowing you to enter for a chance to WIN a FREE CREMATION!

Win a free cremation! Linda Vernon Humor

Sufferin’ Succotash!  Look how happy everybody is in the picture!  Well, there’s nothing like winning a FREE CREMATION to make everyone want to play a rousing game of Ring Around the Rosy!

Until next time . . . I love you

Dr. Who Me?

Last week I had to go to the doctor.  The doctor is in a town we used to live in which is two-and-a-half hours away.  The drive there was pretty uneventful given the fact that I am a nervous driver and as such tend to over think things like curves and on ramps and things of that nature.

I don’t actually close my eyes when I have to merge onto the freeway in fast, heavy traffic but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.

woman merging into traffic Linda Vernon Humor
Geronimooooooo!

Sometimes I think I hear honking and my heart just about stops and then I’ll realize it’s on the CD I’m listening to.  “Why is there so much honking on CD’s nowadays?”  I often yell to myself once I figure out what’s going on.

So I got to the Dr.’s office alive, a fact which the lady behind the glass seemed to think was no big whoop.  Then, I had to tell her I forgot to bring my insurance card (which I somehow lost), but something told me to lie and tell her I forgot it to lessen the blow of her indignation.  It didn’t help though.  After that, she treated me like I was a teenage, reckless driver who had just ran over her prized petunias.

mean dr. office receptionist Linda Vernon Humor
“Forgot your insurance card? Humph! Likely story!”

Anyway I finally got into the little room with my dignity semi-intact, and I noticed that the doctor had up the sign about menopause that says:  The good thing about having hot flashes is that you are one hot babe for a couple minutes, or something to that effect.

“Menopause humor makes me want to shoot my doctor!” I wanted to say when my doctor walked in. But I didn’t because I like my doctor for the most part, and I don’t own a gun.

Anyway, the nurse took my blood pressure, listened to my pulse and wrote everything down in small numbers and I had to peek to see what she was writing.  I couldn’t read her writing so I had to ask her.  Why don’t they just announce it?  The nurses always act like your blood pressure and your pulse are none of your business.

So then my doctor comes in.  She’s a real nice lady.  We go over my health, everything is fine and dandy until she brings up that my cholesterol number was too high last time.  Have I had it checked since? No.  So she decides to check it right there in the office.  Okay.

I knew the number was pretty high when she came back in and started treating me like I was a vial of nitroglycerin that could explode at any minute and wipe out all life as we know it.

Doctor:  You cholesterol is off the charts!”

Me:  You mean like “off the charts” good.  Like it’s so good it’s “off the charts?”

Doctor:  No I mean it’s so high it can’t be measured.

 

'I like to view the glass as being half full, just not half full of cholesterol!"
‘I like to view the glass as being half full, just not half full of cholesterol!”

Oh nuts!  Unfortunately, in my case my high cholesterol is hereditary.  So I didn’t even get to my off the chart number by eating all kinds of wonderfully decadent things that I now have to cut out.

Frankly I’m already scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to fun — food wise.  Now it looks like I’ll have to cut out even more joys, like dairy and oils and sweets and everything that makes life delicious. Sigh . . .

If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen trying to figure out how to make a Tofu milkshake.

Until next time  . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trifecta 33-Word Writing Challenge: Waiting to be Happy

The Trifecta Weekend writing challenge is:   We want you to give us thirty-three words of advice.  Your advice can be to anyone or about anything.  We only ask that you make it uniquely yours.

Waiting to be Happy

We are what our imaginations dream ourselves to be. 

The trick is in learning to work the imagination to our advantage.

We might as well be happy while we’re waiting to be happy!

Smiley Face Linda Vernon Humor
The Happiest Woman in the World

Until next time . . . I love you

A Bad Case of Pottery Barn Catalog-ism

OK, I admit it, Dear Readers.  I suffer from Pottery Catalog-ism!  This terrible disorder can strike anyone at anytime.  It is characterized by an intense over-interest in the Pottery Barn Catalog for which there is no known cure.

Please rest assured that I do not hold Pottery Barn in any way responsible for my condition.  But until a cure is found, the pages of the Pottery Barn Catalog shall be an endless source of interest to me.  With this in mind, let’s discuss:

Loose fit slip covers!  They’re imported!!

Pottery Barn is offering this “drop cloth loose-fit couch cover” for only $79.00. Nevermind that it took a whole heap of tucking, tugging and twisting as well as wringing, wrestling and wrenching plus a good amount of yanking and yelling (and sometimes even yodeling!) by the entire staff of Pottery Barn professionals made up of 25 designers, 17 craftsmen, 4 jugglers, and a wino who happened to be walking by — to get this thing to look like it’s worth 79 bucks.

Of course, it will look like this the first time somebody sits down on it:

“But I didn’t even lean back!”

But it doesn’t matter, drop-cloth couch slip covers are still cool!  Because why? Why because they’re imported, that’s why!  Which automatically makes them better.

PB doesn’t specify where they have imported them from, but this rustic little cottage in the Ukraine countryside looks  a tad familiar:

“The importers are here! Somebody get the Tide Stick! Hurry!”

 Now, let’s take a closer look at the coffee table shall we?

Pottery Barn is elevating the art of unexpected decor in this Nod-to-Dentistry vignette with its smart smattering of decorative dental instrumentation tastefully arranged in the dish and the re-purposed pickle jar.

And is that a roll of gauze or perhaps a drinking vessel reminiscent of a roll of gauze?  This can only mean one of two things: 1) PB customers are spending way too much money on imported, drop-cloth couch covers and re-purposed pickle jars — forcing them to perform their own root canals — or it’s simply Pottery Barn’s salute to gum disease.

Well shut our mouths, Dear Readers! Leave it to Pottery Barn to put the Causal Living in Rinsing and Spitting.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Sinuses of the Times

I’ve got a cold.  Which is weird because I never get colds due to the smallness of my sinus passages.  That’s what they told me when I had my head examined anyway.

I probably would have never gotten around to getting my head examined had I not used it to crack my car’s windshield.  You see, back in 1978, I was sitting behind the wheel of my Buick Skylark, minding my own business. when it suddenly stopped abruptly due to a truck that had gotten in its way. Even though the car was stopped, my head just kept on going and going and going  kind of like the Energizer Bunny (only not as cute), until CRRRAAACKK! It finally came to rest on a not-very-fluffy windshield.

Energizer bunny linda vernon humor
Oh go sit down!

I didn’t have a mark or bruise or anything at all on my head afterwards.  It was one of those accidental Ninja moves wherein if my windshield would have been a stack of bricks, I would have cracked right through them and everyone would have applauded.

I’m pretty sure the policeman who showed up shortly thereafter was impressed with my seemingly black-belt, head-butting abilities, but he suggested I get my head examined nevertheless.

Maybe I just looked like the kind of person to him who could never have too many head examinations.

So I did and that’s when I found out I had unusually small sinus passages.

Somebody get me my microscope! STAT!
X-ray Technician:  I bet you don’t get very many colds do you?

Me:  No, why?

X-ray Technician: Because you have the smallest sinus passages I have ever seen!

Of course, he probably only started working as an X-ray Technician that morning, but WOW!

It’s kind of nice when one has a feature about oneself that distinguishes one from The Great Unwashed.  I was so impressed with this news that, truth be told,  I have been a bit of a sinus snob ever since.

“Sorry Darling! I don’t have time for you today. I’m meeting my X-ray Technician at the Waldorf Astoria where we will be discussing the smallness of my sinus passages.”
But now, I’m a little worried about my small sinus passage status, because I’ve got this cold see.  And it makes me think that somehow I might have accidentally stretched out my sinus passages, you know, inadvertently.  But how?

Well,  I suppose after all these years, something’s bound to give in the area of the sinuses.  For instance back in 1978, I weighed approximately 110 whereas now I weigh approximately more.

Could some of that extra weight have ended up in my sinuses causing them to enlarge?

Does this make-up make my sinuses look fat?

Maybe I’ll just scoot on over the X-ray lab and find out what’s going on with my sinuses.

Of course,  I don’t want to brag, but since I’m the kind of person who looks like I could never have too many head examinations, they’ll probably let me go first.

Until next time . . . I love you

Trying to Cheer Up Edgar Allan Poe for The Umpteenth Time

Hello Dear Readers!  Sometimes we have to take time out from our busy schedules to help those less fortunate — happiness-wise.  And to that end, we are taking another crack at trying to cheer up the greatest weeping word-smith of them all,  Edgar Allan Poe. 

Edgar Allan Poe, America's most bummed out bard
Edgar Allan Poe, America’s most bummed-out bard

Hi Edgar!  Hey, you’re looking more rested today.  I hope that means you’ve been sleeping better and are not staying up til dreary midnight, weak, weary and whatnot?

You are not wrong to deem — That my days have been a dream.

Oh good so that means you’ve been catching up on  your sleep by taking some cat naps?  Good for you Edgar! You’re bound to feel more chipper when you’re rested!

All that we see or seem —  Is but a dream within a dream.

Well, I don’t know about that but, okay, I’m willing to consider that idea.  I just hope you’ve been getting outside too and not just sleeping on the couch all day.

I stand amid the roar of a surf-tormented shore.

Oh so you went to the beach and the tide was in!  Well that’s good.  A day at the beach can do wonders for a person’s mood!

And I hold within my hand — Grains of a golden sand–

Oh how nice!  Now you’re seeing the glass half full!  See, Edgar,  isn’t that more fun?

How few but how they creep — Through my fingers to the deep

While I weep — while I weep!

What? Wait a minute . . .  let me get this straight.  You’re saying you picked up a handful of sand and some grains slipped out of your hand and that made you cry?  Uh, and you call yourself a grown man?  I hope you kidding, Edgar.

O God!  Can I not grasp — Them with a tighter clasp?

Well, don’t be so down on yourself.   So what if you’re too uncoordinated to hold some sand in your hand without dropping it.  What difference does it make in the big scheme of things, I mean, really Edgar!

O God!  Can I not save One — From the pitiless wave?

There you go again, Edgar, focusing on what you can’t do instead of what you can!  Hey I know!  Why don’t you go rent a surf board and try surfing instead of trying to keep the sand from washing out to sea?  It would be way more fun, I guarantee!  Hey Edgar, did you notice how what I just said  rhymes?  What do you think of my poem?

Is all that we see or seem — But a dream within a dream?

Oh yeah right, don’t say anything about my poem, just go back to sleep . . . you big crybaby!

Well, it seems our attempts to cheer up Edgar have fallen on sleeping ears!  But don’t worry, Dear Readers, for we shall never give up on our ongoing effort to cheer up the world’s most pathetic paragraphist, Edgar Allan Poe.

Until next time . . . I love you