Bizarre News from Around the World

Brazilian Man Survives Spearing Himself in the Head with a Harpoon

"It's either a tumor or a harpoon spear.  Let's run more tests just to be sure."
“Yes, I concur, doctor, that’s either a tumor or a harpoon spear. Let’s run more tests just to be sure.”

Brazilian, Bruno Coutinho, was cleaning his harpoon at home when he accidentally  speared himself through the head. The spear went into his left eye and lodged itself in the back of his cranium.   Bruno was still able to call for help, however.

When neighbors saw him they were horrified and reported that  they had only seen something like it in Brazilian movies.

Even though it took doctors ten hours to remove the spear,  they insist that Bruno’s brain function will not be anymore impeded than it already was to begin with, and that he will survive to clean his harpoon another day perhaps while watching Brazilian movies about Brazilian men accidentally spearing themselves in the head while cleaning their harpoons.

Unexploded Bomb Found in Kitchen Cupboard

"Hey guys!  Wait up!  I've got the first-aid kit!"
“Hey guys! Wait up! I’ve got the first-aid kit!”

Henry Southhall was giving a tour of the house he just bought in Porthmadog, when he opened the kitchen cupboard to find a bomb from World War II containing 16 pounds of explosives on the shelf he had been planning to keep his glasses and coffee cups on.

Bomb disposal experts rushed the bomb to a beach nearby and discharged it where they claim it left a big crater and could be heard from two miles away — as reported by one of the of the bomb disposal experts who was a real slow poke.

“I’m glad they found it when they did. I wouldn’t have wanted it going off when I was in bed upstairs.”  Southhall declared.  Who apparently has enough difficulty sleeping as it is.

Woman Eats 2500 Calories while asleep.

Bizarre news stories LInda Vernon Humor
Leslie Cusack round about 2 a.m.

Lesley Cusack is overweight not because she eats too much, but because she eats too much after she falls asleep every night.   Once Leslie goes out like a light, she goes right to the kitchen and gobbles down large amounts of food, and she doesn’t even know she’s doing it.

As Lesley is constantly telling people, she is powerless not to eat too much because of a genuine sleep related eating disorder which medical experts call  Sleep Related Eating Disorder. 

“I can only tell I’ve eaten anything by the remains in the morning.” Leslie recently swore on a stack of bibles and went on to explain,  “I tend to find opened tins of things or packets, and I’ve no idea whether I’ve eaten some of them cold or hot.”    Nor does Lesley have any idea whether she has enjoyed them.

The worst things Lesley is pretty sure she’s eaten while asleep are emulsion paint, Vaseline, cough syrup, raw potatoes and soap powder.  After exhaustively studying the situation, medical experts have suggested that perhaps Lesley should not store emulsion paint, Vaseline and cough syrup and soap powder in her refrigerator.

Giant Rodents on Steroids Being Sold as Poodles

poodle rodent Linda Vernon Humor
Yup! They look exactly alike! EXACTLY!!

A man in Argentina who purchased two toy poodles at a discounted price found out, after a visit to the vet, that he had actually been sold two giant rodents who were pumped up on steroids and trimmed to look like poodles.

Experts are still trying to ascertain how somebody could be that dumb and are investigating whether or not the man had recently been cleaning his  harpoon.

And there you have it Dear Readers, some Bizarre News from around the World!

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Writing Challenge: I’d Rather be Hyphenating

Hello Dear Readers!  It’s time for the Trifecta Writing challenge which is as follows:

This weekend we are bringing you back to class with a little refresher course on compound modifiers.  We are talking about two words that combine together to describe something.  Such as a well-rounded individual or a one-way street or a lightly-oiled pan.  Here’s a fun Trifextra trick: conventionally, if the compound modifier comes BEFORE the word it modifies, it requires a hyphen and counts as one word.  If it comes AFTER the noun, it doesn’t need a hyphen and counts as two. For example:
The well-read woman had an extensive vocabulary. (7 words)
The woman was well read and had an extensive vocabulary. (10 words)

. . . . Because it’s only 33 words, we’ll count using our eyeballs instead of our machines, counting each hyphenated modifier as one word.  We encourage you to do so as well.

I’d Rather Be Hyphenating

Eyeball-counting editors

They certainly excel

At counting words upon the page

And other things as well

A hyphenated modifier

Never counts as two

As long as dashy-little lines

Are stuck between the two.

Hyphenated word poem
“Let’s see . . . 27, 28, 29, oh wait . . . that’s not a dash, that’s a coffee stain . . .which would bring it up to 30 . . . .
 Photo Credit:  No one will admit to it.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Sick, Edible Horror of 1959

Hello Dear Readers! 

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly,  we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you were warned!

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten . .

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness!  What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

And in another equally troubling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup!  Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour!  Oh the vegumanity!

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of a pie made out of itself!   Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day (except maybe in a few third world countries)!

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family Cannibalism!  Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Strawberry!  We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains.  I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you!  But you were warned!

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta 33-Word Challenge: A Likely Story

Hello Dear Readers!    It’s time for the weekend Trifecta Challenge.  The challenge is to add 33 words to these three words:  charge, century and lost for a total of 36 words. 

A Likely Story

“How’d you buy the Admiral refrigerator, Colonel?”

“Charge card for the Admiral, Admiral Kernal, Sir!”

Where’s my Colonel Sanders Chicken, Colonel?

“Uh . . .”

“This century Colonel!”

“Must’ve lost it in the Admiral, Admiral Kernal”

colonel Dorel Linda Vernon Humor
“Don’t look at me!  I’m not even full, Sir!”
Geiser Frères Colonel Dorel wiki pictures

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Friday Fictioneers: The Demise of Steen Hig

Hello Dear Readers!  In this blog’s search for an upstanding noun, a decent verb and a sober adjective, no stone has been left unturned in the fertile fields of ideas.

That is why this blog was delighted to stumble upon this new writing  challenge called Friday Fictioneers hosted by the blog of Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple.

THE CHALLENGE:

Write a one-hundred word story that has a beginning, middle and end (Using the picture provided for a prompt.)  

wasp-nest

The Demise of Steen Hig

Steen Hig was born in the 26th century. The computerns who tended the human incubator nests had high hopes for Steen Hig. People did too, or what was left of them since the plague.  Steen’s DNA had been microfactured to rule an empire not of people but of computers who masqueraded as people.

When Steen turned 31, the ceremonies were performed; his implants activated — while his tearful father watched.  And just like that, Steen Hig became a god.

Yet it was only a knife that brought Steen Hig to his mortal conclusion.

“Absolute power corrupts absolutely,” his father explained wiping clean the knife.

Hey that was fun!  You ought to give it a try Dear Readers!  Have a great weekend!

Until next time . . . I love you

Junk Mail Envelope Questions

Hello Dear Readers!  Yesterday, when I went to my mailbox, I got a sales letter that had this question on the outside of the envelope:

Baby Boomer Junk Mail Linda Vernon Humor
Junk Mail Envelope Question

And then I got to thinking gee they really shouldn’t stop there.  I bet there’s lots of questions they could ask to get more business.  To that end, I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a few suggestions as follows:

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

Junk Mail Humor, Linda Vernon Humor

junk mail humor, Linda Vernon Humor

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Effective as all get out Junk Mail Envelope Questions!

Until next time . . . I love you.

Sally Milkerson Becomes a Good Read

Sally Milkerson Becomes a Good Read

Little Sally Milkerson wanted a tattoo

She asked her mother Wanda

If it was something she could do

Wanda would have answered her

But you see she couldn’t hear

What with all the piercings that were pinning shut her ear

 

So Little Sally Milkerson went and got a pencil

To write her mom a note that said

May I please have a stencil? 

Wanda would have answered her

But her eyelids wouldn’t open

Thanks to all her piercings, in the dark she was agropin’

 

Little Sally Milkerson told her mother not to worry

She’d take the task upon herself

And get tattooed in a hurry

She skipped down to the tattoo parlor

A wad of cash in hand

And gave it to the Tattoo-er — behind the counter, Stan

 

 When Little Sally Milkerson came waltzing through the door

Her mother Wanda’s color drained

She toppled to the floor

A miracle! — It had occurred from somewhere up above her!

For her darling little daughter now

Had Harry Potter on her cover

Humorous Poem Sally Milkerson Linda Vernon Humor
Hey Sally can you turn around so we can see what happens next?

Until Next time  . . . I love you