Thank You Pottery Barn for Life Itself!

Are you living your life like wind-tossed lint?  Bouncing hither and yon at nature’s whim –never knowing the difference between up nor down nor side nor ways?

Well, Pottery Barn has a solution for that, Dear Reader, and it’s called:

The Pottery Barn Daily System

That’s right!  Pottery Barn and their “Daily System” has finally found a way to make keeping track of your family’s events a full time job!

Now, the first thing you do — using PB’s Daily System — is polish off a bottle of beer and a bottle of wine and then rinse them out and place them on their designated spots on the shelf (as pictured). Once that task has been completed,  you’re  going to be  in the mood to write something rather odd and crazy on the blackboard just like Pottery Barn did.

You could either copy PB and write “Summer Night Alive and Bright” or come up with your own drunken phrase.

And since the blackboard is at the tippy top of the Daily System, you will need to climb up on the desk (which Pottery Barn designed just for this purpose) and carefully . . . watch it now! . . . write on the blackboard.

  Of course, while you are up there, you might as well grab a couple of pens and pencils . . .  oh and don’t forget the scissors, grab those too, while you’re at it. (You never know!)

But do be careful don’t– whoops!  Did you fall down?  PB anticipated that might happen.  Hopefully the desk broke your fall and you can still read the family activities that have been written on the white board — because you might have to make some changes to those activities.

For instance, you’re probably going to have to skip the 4th of July celebration altogether, who knows if you will have regained feeling in your arms and legs by then — of course, Dad could ice your back for you if wasn’t traveling all week.  (Isn’t that always the way!)

And you’re probably going to have to  find a way to break it to Curtis that you can’t drive him to sailing lessons due to your being paralyzed and all. (But watch out! Curtis isn’t going to like it!)

And the Palmer dinner thing . . . well, if all that involved was Palmer eating a bowl of Mac and Cheese while conversing with you about Curtis’s sailing abilities while you lay paralyzed on the desk –then there’s  no need to cancel that one! YAY!

Ah! That Pottery Barn!  Always working around the clock to make your pathetic life better! You gotta love ’em!

Until next time . . . I love you

The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady Tackles the Drip Irrigation Guidelines

Hello Dear Readers!  Holy Cow!  Guess who’s here again today?  It seems The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady has agreed to edit some guidelines for us.

The Overly Creative Writer Lady

The Overly Creative Writer Lady would like us to take out our Drip Irrigation Guidelines and turn to the first page!

Page 1 of our Drip Irrigation System Guidelines

Let’s see how The Overly-Creative Writing Lady edits this sentence from the Drip Irrigation Guidelines:

“These drip emitters for shrub and trees provide full or partial pressure compensation.

The Maltese Drip Emitters

by

The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady

It was a Wednesday, wet, like Somebody Up There opened these drip emitters on a cloud that had more water in it than a dame’s eyes after finding out the Spanish shawl she just shelled out a hundred clams for went on sale, 50% off, the very next day.

The dame in question?  One Lola Richardson, a looker with a torso that, well . . . let’s just say a torso that would never be mistaken for shrubs and trees. 

Suddenly there was a knock on Lola’s door — a knock she knew better than the back of her hand which wasn’t saying much as Lola had never bothered looking at the back of her hand.

Lola ran through her tastefully decorated living room like a babbling brook seeking the mighty Missisip — past the grand piano, past the baby grand piano, past the regular piano, past the portable piano keys, past the Fisher-Price Kick and Play Piano until she reached the front door.

But should she open the door and let that bum of an ex-husband of hers Mickey Richardson, aka Mickey the Grim Reaper, aka Mickey the Infectious, aka Mickey the Mouse — if indeed it was he who was knocking — in?

Lola laid one of her voluptuous ears against the door to provide full or partial auditory discernment of the fist from whom the knocking emanated — but she was still uncertain.

So Lola put her other ear against the door, the one that was not quite as voluptuous (more like plain bordering on homely) but could actually hear. She pressed it harder and harder against the door until the pressure compensation allowed for the air-waves to finally penetrate it.

Yup.  It was Mickey Richardson alright.  So Lola opened the door and shot him until he was as dead as it gets.

Then Lola threw her Spanish shawl over his lifeless body and wept bitterly.  If only she could have gotten it for 50% off.

Lola's Spanish ShawlAnd there you have it, Dear Readers.  A word of caution — The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady is here for the duration of the week so you might want to steer clear of this blog. 

Until next time, The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady loves you

 

 

What the Scientists are Thinking About

MIT Researcher
MIT Researcher, Dr. Shattuck-Hufnagel 

That’s easy for you to say, sure, but you’re not an MIT Researcher.

Researchers at MIT have come up with the world’s most difficult tongue twister in an attempt to shed light on the brain’s speech planning process while at the same time shedding light on the MIT researchers brains’ ability to think up ways to get paid without doing any actual work.

Dr. Stefanie Shattuck-Hufnagel (who prefers being called by her nickname Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers), and her scientific tongue twisting associates have deemed “pad kid poured curd pulled cold” to be the hardest phrase to utter in the English language with the exception of Dr. Stefanie Shattuck-Hufnagel’s hyphenated last name.

“Certain combinations of sounds appear to make people lose control of their mouths when spoken too quickly.”  Dr. Stafanie Shattuck-Hufnagel aka Sally Sells Sea Shells at the Seashore was quoted a little too quickly as saying and shortly thereafter was hospitalized with a serious case of  Uncontrollable Mouth Syndrome.

MIT has requested that all get well wishes and flowers be sent to the room where the sixth sick sheikh’s sixth sheep’s sick.

 

caveman
Plio-Pleistocene hominin Paranthropus boisei

The fossil remains of a hominid species dating back 1.34 million years was discovered right where somebody left it.

The partial skeleton of a large adult hominid has been uncovered in Tanzania by a group of researchers who couldn’t wait to use the new shovels they got for their birthdays.

Researchers uncovered a 1.34-million-year-old, well-formed forearm muscle that they think its owner used for “climbing, fine-manipulation and all sorts of behaviors” Dr. Charles Musiba and his team of researchers decided after thinking about it starting at lunch time and continuing to think about it off and on all afternoon until it was finally time to go home.

“We are starting to understand the physiology of these individuals and how they adapted to the kind of habitat they lived in.  The size of the arm bones suggests strong forearms and a powerful upper body.”  Dr. Musiba said out loud but he was thinking,  “Thank goodness he was dead or we could have gotten our butts kicked!”

Snow_and_ice_scenic_landscape
“I can’t feel my anything.”

Coldest place on earth discovered

Scientists have discovered a place on earth so cold that anyone out in it for even a short period of time “would see their eyes, nose and lungs freeze up within minutes.”

Scientists didn’t go on to elaborate how someone whose eyes were frozen could see their nose and lungs freeze up or how a person could see their nose and lungs freeze up even if their eyes weren’t already frozen, but Coldest Place on Earth Scientists are quick to conclude that another study involving frozen noses, eyes and lungs is in order.

One lasting between six months and six years at least! The scientists are currently writing to the government asking for a  grant which is going to be harder than the scientists thought while wearing mittens.

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

AARP: Making Getting Old and Dying FUN!

Welcome Dear Readers.  Good News!  We’re going to get old!  We’re going to die! And it’s going to be so much frigging  FUN!

And all because of AARP.  Everybody’s “Getting Old and Dying” BFF!

 In fact!  I think we should click on The Stars and Stripes Forever before we continue and take a moment  to celebrate this inevitability, not only in our hearts, but also,  in our ears as well  because, after all,  the word “hear” is just the word “heart” without the “t’.

Are you ready for the “Getting Old and Dying” AARP  good news?

Before we continue, I have to issue a word of caution:  Those of you who AARP has pegged as  “getting old and dying” need to be warned that AARP is pretty sure  this news is going to blow your orthopedic socks off your crippled, bunion-covered feet!

 The Drumroll Please!

Anybody have a kleenex?
That’s right, Dear Readers, I’ve been approved for AARP  Life Insurance! That means they are giving me permission to die any time now and/or at my earliest convenience!  Talk about a cause for whoopin’ it up!!

I don’t know how the Vernon Family will celebrate getting money from my AARP Whole Life Insurance once I’m dead, but I kind of hope it’s with a Hootenanny or at the very least a HootenGranny.  (Sorry for the bad joke, I’m old, I’m going to die and my bunions are killing me!)

But wait!  There’s more!   Included in this AARP Life Insurance offer is this inexplicable AARP Medicare Supplement Plan Brochure:

Linda Vernon Humor AARP Send up
Huh?

I don’t know what to make of this, Dear Readers.   Why do these two people represent a team?  And why are they playing softball with a grapefruit?

Oh!  Perhaps  AARP is just messing with my pre-posthumous synapses yet again? (Oh that AARP, always with the jokes! Hahaha!)

Oh wait . . . maybe the two people represent an Ebony and Ivory thing!  That would be apropos, I suppose, because, I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but the song Ebony and Ivory, does make me want to die.

Now don’t worry  if you are having trouble wrapping your posthumous-synapsed brain around any of the AARP’s “Growing Old and Dying” money-making offers.  They’ve anticipated your confusion and have provided a solution:

AARP Offers help to potential customers

Now doesn’t that sound like fun?  In fact,  I think you’ll have to agree that nobody puts the FUN in Funeral like AARP, nobody!

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks up a Magazine

Welcome Dear Readers!  It’s time for Magazine mash-ups where  my brain, Peanuts, thinks up ideas for new magazines!   Let’s take a look at what Peanuts  thought up this time, shall we?

Peanuts took this British Business Journal:

Linda Vernon Humor Magazine Mashups

And this cutting-edge tattoo magazine, Inked 

Linda Vernon Humor Magazine Mashups

And combined it with this obscure foreign publication call Son:

Linda Vernon Humor Magazine Mashups

To come up with

Viola! 

Magazine Mashups Linda Vernon Humor

Naturally, Peanuts needs to have some writers on staff.  In a perfect world, here’s how Peanuts envisions the dream writers for Prison Magazine:

Editor-in-Chief:   Mugsy Malone (aka Martha Stewart)

Mugsy Malone's got Jailbird cred.
Mugsy Malone’s got jail-bird cred

Who better to lead the dream-team staff of Prison Magazine writers than America’s prettiest tax evader, Mugsy Malone or Martha Stewart — as she is sometimes referred to on the “outside.” Whether she’s writing about prison cafeteria cuisine, orange-jumper haute couture or crafting one’s very own bitchin’ gang tattoo, Mugsy Malone’s been there, done that!

Food Critic:   Peter Clemenza

254871-tl_gf_richard_s_castellano_large
Peter “take the gun, leave the cannoli” Clemenza

Cannoli expert and bad-to-the-bone-but-lovable Peter Clemenza, would be my brain, Peanuts,  dream choice for  Prison Magazine’s food critic, because he is the Prison System cuisine’s  leading expert on cannoli.

Over the years Peter Clemenza has developed a variety of ways to serve cannoli such as:  leave the knife,  take the cannoli, — leave the hand-grenade, take the cannoli — and the always popular —  leave the machete, take the cannoli.

  Health and Beauty Editor:  Bonnie

Linda Vernon Humor, Magazine Mashups
Even when murdering, Bonnie looks to die for!

As one of America’s most put-together killers, Bonnie of Bonnie and Clyde would be my brain, Peanuts ideal choice for Prison Magazine’s, health and beauty editor.  

After a long day of murder, mayhem and out-running the cops, I think you’ll agree, that Bonnie still manages to stay fresh as a daisy, or, failing that, as fresh as someone who just caused someone to be pushing up daisies.   Either way, she would be Prison Magazine’s  ideal Health and Beauty Editor. 

And there you have it, Dear Readers, my brain, Peanuts, fantasy magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you

A Bad Case of Pottery Barn Catalog-ism

OK, I admit it, Dear Readers.  I suffer from Pottery Catalog-ism!  This terrible disorder can strike anyone at anytime.  It is characterized by an intense over-interest in the Pottery Barn Catalog for which there is no known cure.

Please rest assured that I do not hold Pottery Barn in any way responsible for my condition.  But until a cure is found, the pages of the Pottery Barn Catalog shall be an endless source of interest to me.  With this in mind, let’s discuss:

Loose fit slip covers!  They’re imported!!

Pottery Barn is offering this “drop cloth loose-fit couch cover” for only $79.00. Nevermind that it took a whole heap of tucking, tugging and twisting as well as wringing, wrestling and wrenching plus a good amount of yanking and yelling (and sometimes even yodeling!) by the entire staff of Pottery Barn professionals made up of 25 designers, 17 craftsmen, 4 jugglers, and a wino who happened to be walking by — to get this thing to look like it’s worth 79 bucks.

Of course, it will look like this the first time somebody sits down on it:

“But I didn’t even lean back!”

But it doesn’t matter, drop-cloth couch slip covers are still cool!  Because why? Why because they’re imported, that’s why!  Which automatically makes them better.

PB doesn’t specify where they have imported them from, but this rustic little cottage in the Ukraine countryside looks  a tad familiar:

“The importers are here! Somebody get the Tide Stick! Hurry!”

 Now, let’s take a closer look at the coffee table shall we?

Pottery Barn is elevating the art of unexpected decor in this Nod-to-Dentistry vignette with its smart smattering of decorative dental instrumentation tastefully arranged in the dish and the re-purposed pickle jar.

And is that a roll of gauze or perhaps a drinking vessel reminiscent of a roll of gauze?  This can only mean one of two things: 1) PB customers are spending way too much money on imported, drop-cloth couch covers and re-purposed pickle jars — forcing them to perform their own root canals — or it’s simply Pottery Barn’s salute to gum disease.

Well shut our mouths, Dear Readers! Leave it to Pottery Barn to put the Causal Living in Rinsing and Spitting.

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks Up a Magazine

Dear Readers.  I love thumbing through magazines of every kind: old, new, big, little, digested, undigested.  I’ve always thought it would be fun to start up a magazine of my own. So I put My Brain Peanuts to work on it, and, Dear Readers, I think you will agree that Peanuts came up with an idea for a magazine that has a lot of potential!

Peanuts simply took a prestigious magazine like the Smithsonian:

Smithsonian Magazine LInda Vernon Humor

And combined it with a cutting-edge style magazine, such as Elle:

The New Mood, Cover of Elle Magazine satire, Linda Vernon Humor

And Viola!  

Smithsonian Magazine plus Elle Magazine Linda Vernon Humor

Of course no magazine is complete without a staff of writers.  The vision of my brain, Peanuts is to have Sm Elle Magazine written by the most important, Über-sophisticated, magazine writers of the 21st Century.  Here’s My Brain Peanuts’s fantasy writing staff for Sm Elle Magazine:

Lifestyle Editor:

Carreen La Leelee La Pew

Writer for Sm Elle Magazine:  Linda Vernon Humor

Lifestyle Editor, Carreen, has been dramatically flitting to and fro between Paris and London ever since first learning how to flit at the tender age of three.  In her travels, Carreen literally inhales cutting-edge lifestyle trends– and exhales them upon the very latest, cutting-edge version of her Apple Ipad.

When asked why, at such a young age,  Carreen has made it to the pinnacle of magazine-writing sophistication, she explained in third person, “Carreen La Leelee La Pew his risen to the top by utilizing french words like brioche and chignon in every single sentence.

Food Critic

Owen Henry Charles Buckingworth, III

Pretentious man who writes for a magazine, Linda Vernon Humor

With a track record of not liking a single meal since 1994, Mr. Buckingworth’s  taste in sophisticated cuisine — as well as his actual taste buds themselves — are so hard to please, he has only been actually full once in his life after a particularly well-done mac and cheese dinner his mother (of all people!) prepared for him when all the stars aligned on November 2, 1994 at 2:45 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Owen Henry Charles Buckingworth, III credits his journalistic tendencies to his junior  high school English teacher, Mr. Blump, who encouraged Buckingworth to enter an International Punctuation Contest, and Buckingworth took home the Winner’s Trophy — by accident — but still!

Health and Beauty Editor

Carla Rothchild-Doink

13206347_s

For such an important and influential writer in the field of health and beauty, Carla Rothchild-Doink believes in keeping a low profile.  Literally.  Consequently Ms. Rothchild-Doink has never been photographed standing up.

“One’s profile is the side-view of what a person looks like from the side.” Ms. Rothchild-Doink is fond of saying and goes so far as to call this her “signature saying.” 

In addition to dedicating her life to eating healthy foods, getting enough exercise, and brushing her hair a 100 times before going to bed, Carla Rothchild-Doink can be found on her days off, crawling on her hands and knees in the ocean thus keeping her hands and knees as soft as, but a little more puckered than, a baby’s.

Well, there you have it, Dear Readers!  My brain, Peanuts, fantasy magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you