Are you living your life like wind-tossed lint? Bouncing hither and yon at nature’s whim –never knowing the difference between up nor down nor side nor ways?
Well, Pottery Barn has a solution for that, Dear Reader, and it’s called:
The Pottery Barn Daily System
That’s right! Pottery Barn and their “Daily System” has finally found a way to make keeping track of your family’s events a full time job!
Now, the first thing you do— using PB’s Daily System — is polish off a bottle of beer and a bottle of wine and then rinse them out and place them on their designated spots on the shelf (as pictured). Once that task has been completed, you’re going to be in the mood to write something rather odd and crazy on the blackboard just like Pottery Barn did.
You could either copy PB and write “Summer Night Alive and Bright” or come up with your own drunken phrase.
And since the blackboard is at the tippy top of the Daily System, you will need to climb up on the desk (which Pottery Barn designed just for this purpose) and carefully . . . watch it now! . . . write on the blackboard.
Of course, while you are up there, you might as well grab a couple of pens and pencils . . . oh and don’t forget the scissors, grab those too, while you’re at it. (You never know!)
But do be careful don’t– whoops! Did you fall down? PB anticipated that might happen. Hopefully the desk broke your fall and you can still read the family activities that have been written on the white board — because you might have to make some changes to those activities.
For instance, you’re probably going to have to skip the 4th of July celebration altogether, who knows if you will have regained feeling in your arms and legs by then — of course, Dad could ice your back for you if wasn’t traveling all week. (Isn’t that always the way!)
And you’re probably going to have to find a way to break it to Curtis that you can’t drive him to sailing lessons due to your being paralyzed and all. (But watch out! Curtis isn’t going to like it!)
And the Palmer dinner thing. . . well, if all that involved was Palmer eating a bowl of Mac and Cheese while conversing with you about Curtis’s sailing abilities while you lay paralyzed on the desk –then there’s no need to cancel that one! YAY!
Ah! That Pottery Barn! Always working around the clock to make your pathetic life better! You gotta love ’em!
Hello Dear Readers! Holy Cow! Guess who’s here again today? It seems The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady has agreed to edit some guidelines for us.
The Overly Creative Writer Lady
The Overly Creative Writer Lady would like us to take out our Drip Irrigation Guidelines and turn to the first page!
Page 1 of our Drip Irrigation System Guidelines
Let’s see how The Overly-Creative Writing Lady edits this sentence from the Drip Irrigation Guidelines:
“These drip emitters for shrub and trees provide full or partial pressure compensation.“
The Maltese Drip Emitters
by
The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady
It was a Wednesday, wet, like Somebody Up There opened these drip emitters on a cloud that had more water in it than a dame’s eyes after finding out the Spanish shawl she just shelled out a hundred clams for went on sale, 50% off, the very next day.
The dame in question? One Lola Richardson, a looker with a torso that, well . . . let’s just say a torso that would never be mistaken for shrubs and trees.
Suddenly there was a knock on Lola’s door — a knock she knew better than the back of her hand which wasn’t saying much as Lola had never bothered looking at the back of her hand.
Lola ran through her tastefully decorated living room like a babbling brook seeking the mighty Missisip — past the grand piano, past the baby grand piano, past the regular piano, past the portable piano keys, past the Fisher-Price Kick and Play Piano until she reached the front door.
But should she open the door and let that bum of an ex-husband of hers Mickey Richardson, aka Mickey the Grim Reaper, aka Mickey the Infectious, aka Mickey the Mouse — if indeed it was he who was knocking — in?
Lola laid one of her voluptuous ears against the door to provide full or partialauditory discernment of the fist from whom the knocking emanated — but she was still uncertain.
So Lola put her other ear against the door, the one that was not quite as voluptuous (more like plain bordering on homely) but could actually hear. She pressed it harder and harder against the door until the pressure compensationallowed for the air-waves to finally penetrate it.
Yup. It was Mickey Richardson alright. So Lola opened the door and shot him until he was as dead as it gets.
Then Lola threw her Spanish shawl over his lifeless body and wept bitterly. If only she could have gotten it for 50% off.
And there you have it, Dear Readers. A word of caution — The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady is here for the duration of the week so you might want to steer clear of this blog.
Until next time, The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady loves you
That’s easy for you to say, sure, but you’re not an MIT Researcher.
Researchers at MIT have come up with the world’s most difficult tongue twister in an attempt to shed light on the brain’s speech planning process while at the same time shedding light on the MIT researchers brains’ ability to think up ways to get paid without doing any actual work.
Dr. Stefanie Shattuck-Hufnagel (who prefers being called by her nickname Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers), and her scientific tongue twisting associates have deemed “pad kid poured curd pulled cold” to be the hardest phrase to utter in the English language with the exception of Dr. Stefanie Shattuck-Hufnagel’s hyphenated last name.
“Certain combinations of sounds appear to make people lose control of their mouths when spoken too quickly.” Dr. Stafanie Shattuck-Hufnagel aka Sally Sells Sea Shells at the Seashore was quoted a little too quickly as saying and shortly thereafter was hospitalized with a serious case of Uncontrollable Mouth Syndrome.
MIT has requested that all get well wishes and flowers be sent to the room where the sixth sick sheikh’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Plio-Pleistocene hominin Paranthropus boisei
The fossil remains of a hominid species dating back 1.34 million years was discovered right where somebody left it.
The partial skeleton of a large adult hominid has been uncovered in Tanzania by a group of researchers who couldn’t wait to use the new shovels they got for their birthdays.
Researchers uncovered a 1.34-million-year-old, well-formed forearm muscle that they think its owner used for “climbing, fine-manipulation and all sorts of behaviors” Dr. Charles Musiba and his team of researchers decided after thinking about it starting at lunch time and continuing to think about it off and on all afternoon until it was finally time to go home.
“We are starting to understand the physiology of these individuals and how they adapted to the kind of habitat they lived in. The size of the arm bones suggests strong forearms and a powerful upper body.” Dr. Musiba said out loud but he was thinking, “Thank goodness he was dead or we could have gotten our butts kicked!”
“I can’t feel my anything.”
Coldest place on earth discovered
Scientists have discovered a place on earth so cold that anyone out in it for even a short period of time “would see their eyes, nose and lungs freeze up within minutes.”
Scientists didn’t go on to elaborate how someone whose eyes were frozen could see their nose and lungs freeze up or how a person could see their nose and lungs freeze up even if their eyes weren’t already frozen, but Coldest Place on Earth Scientists are quick to conclude that another study involving frozen noses, eyes and lungs is in order.
One lasting between six months and six years at least! The scientists are currently writing to the government asking for a grant which is going to be harder than the scientists thought while wearing mittens.
Welcome Dear Readers. Good News! We’re going to get old! We’re going to die! And it’s going to be so much frigging FUN!
And all because of AARP. Everybody’s “Getting Old and Dying” BFF!
In fact! I think we should click on The Stars and Stripes Forever before we continue and take a moment to celebrate this inevitability, not only in our hearts, but also, in our ears as well because, after all, the word “hear” is just the word “heart” without the “t’.
Are you ready for the “Getting Old and Dying” AARP good news?
Before we continue, I have to issue a word of caution: Those of you who AARP has pegged as “getting old and dying” need to be warned that AARP is pretty sure this news is going to blow your orthopedic socks off your crippled, bunion-covered feet!
That’s right, Dear Readers, I’ve been approved for AARP Life Insurance! That means they are giving me permission to die any time now and/or at my earliest convenience! Talk about a cause for whoopin’ it up!!
I don’t know how the Vernon Family will celebrate getting money from my AARP Whole Life Insurance once I’m dead, but I kind of hope it’s with a Hootenanny or at the very least a HootenGranny. (Sorry for the bad joke, I’m old, I’m going to die and my bunions are killing me!)
But wait! There’s more! Included in this AARP Life Insurance offer is this inexplicable AARP Medicare Supplement Plan Brochure:
Huh?
I don’t know whatto make of this, Dear Readers. Why do these two people represent a team? And why are they playing softball with a grapefruit?
Oh! Perhaps AARP is just messing with my pre-posthumous synapses yet again? (Oh that AARP, always with the jokes! Hahaha!)
Oh wait . . . maybe the two people represent an Ebony and Ivory thing! That would be apropos, I suppose, because, I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but the song Ebony and Ivory, does make me want to die.
Now don’t worry if you are having trouble wrapping your posthumous-synapsed brain around any of the AARP’s “Growing Old and Dying” money-making offers. They’ve anticipated your confusion and have provided a solution:
Now doesn’t that sound like fun? In fact, I think you’ll have to agree that nobody puts the FUN in Funeral like AARP, nobody!
Welcome Dear Readers! It’s time for Magazine mash-ups where my brain, Peanuts, thinks up ideas for new magazines! Let’s take a look at what Peanuts thought up this time, shall we?
Peanuts took this British Business Journal:
And this cutting-edge tattoo magazine, Inked
And combined it with this obscure foreign publication call Son:
To come up with
Viola!
Naturally, Peanuts needs to have some writers on staff. In a perfect world, here’s how Peanuts envisions the dream writers for Prison Magazine:
Who better to lead the dream-team staff of Prison Magazine writers than America’s prettiest tax evader, Mugsy Malone or Martha Stewart — as she is sometimes referred to on the “outside.” Whether she’s writing about prison cafeteria cuisine, orange-jumper haute couture or crafting one’s very own bitchin’ gang tattoo, Mugsy Malone’s been there, done that!
Food Critic: Peter Clemenza
Peter “take the gun, leave the cannoli” Clemenza
Cannoli expert and bad-to-the-bone-but-lovable Peter Clemenza, would be my brain, Peanuts, dream choice for Prison Magazine’s food critic, because he is the Prison System cuisine’s leading expert on cannoli.
Over the years Peter Clemenza has developed a variety of ways to serve cannoli such as: leave the knife, take the cannoli, — leave the hand-grenade, take the cannoli — and the always popular — leave the machete, take the cannoli.
Health and Beauty Editor: Bonnie
Even when murdering, Bonnie looks to die for!
As one of America’s most put-together killers, Bonnie of Bonnie and Clyde would be my brain, Peanuts ideal choice for Prison Magazine’s, health and beauty editor.
After a long day of murder, mayhem and out-running the cops, I think you’ll agree, that Bonnie still manages to stay fresh as a daisy, or, failing that, as fresh as someone who just caused someone to be pushing up daisies. Either way, she would be Prison Magazine’s ideal Health and Beauty Editor.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, my brain, Peanuts, fantasy magazine!
OK, I admit it, Dear Readers. I suffer from Pottery Catalog-ism! This terrible disorder can strike anyone at anytime. It is characterized by an intense over-interest in the Pottery Barn Catalog for which there is no known cure.
Please rest assured that I do not hold Pottery Barn in any way responsible for my condition. But until a cure is found, the pages of the Pottery Barn Catalog shall be an endless source of interest to me. With this in mind, let’s discuss:
Loose fit slip covers! They’re imported!!
Pottery Barn is offering this “drop cloth loose-fit couch cover” for only $79.00. Nevermind that it took a whole heap of tucking, tugging and twisting as well as wringing, wrestling and wrenching plus a good amount of yanking and yelling (and sometimes even yodeling!) by the entire staff of Pottery Barn professionals made up of 25 designers, 17 craftsmen, 4 jugglers, and a wino who happened to be walking by — to get this thing to look like it’s worth 79 bucks.
Of course, it will look like this the first time somebody sits down on it:
“But I didn’t even lean back!”
But it doesn’t matter, drop-cloth couch slip covers are still cool! Because why? Why because they’re imported, that’s why! Which automatically makes them better.
PB doesn’t specify where they have imported them from, but this rustic little cottage in the Ukraine countryside looks a tad familiar:
“The importers are here! Somebody get the Tide Stick! Hurry!”
Now, let’s take a closer look at the coffee table shall we?
Pottery Barn is elevating the art of unexpected decor in this Nod-to-Dentistry vignette with its smart smattering of decorative dental instrumentation tastefully arranged in the dish and the re-purposed pickle jar.
And is that a roll of gauze or perhaps a drinking vessel reminiscent of a roll of gauze? This can only mean one of two things: 1) PB customers are spending way too much money on imported, drop-cloth couch covers and re-purposed pickle jars — forcing them to perform their own root canals — or it’s simply Pottery Barn’s salute to gum disease.
Well shut our mouths, Dear Readers! Leave it to Pottery Barn to put the Causal Living in Rinsing and Spitting.
Dear Readers. I love thumbing through magazines of every kind: old, new, big, little, digested, undigested. I’ve always thought it would be fun to start up a magazine of my own. So I put My Brain Peanuts to work on it, and, Dear Readers, I think you will agree that Peanuts came up with an idea for a magazine that has a lot of potential!
Peanuts simply took a prestigious magazine like the Smithsonian:
And combined it with a cutting-edge style magazine, such as Elle:
And Viola!
Of course no magazine is complete without a staff of writers. The vision of my brain, Peanuts is to have Sm Elle Magazine written by the most important, Über-sophisticated, magazine writers of the 21st Century. Here’s My Brain Peanuts’s fantasy writing staff for Sm Elle Magazine:
Lifestyle Editor:
Carreen La Leelee La Pew
Lifestyle Editor, Carreen, has been dramatically flitting to and fro between Paris and London ever since first learning how to flit at the tender age of three. In her travels, Carreen literally inhales cutting-edge lifestyle trends– and exhales them upon the very latest, cutting-edge version of her Apple Ipad.
When asked why, at such a young age, Carreen has made it to the pinnacle of magazine-writing sophistication, she explained in third person, “Carreen La Leelee La Pew his risen to the top by utilizing french words like brioche and chignon in every single sentence.
Food Critic
Owen Henry Charles Buckingworth, III
With a track record of not liking a single meal since 1994, Mr. Buckingworth’s taste in sophisticated cuisine — as well as his actual taste buds themselves — are so hard to please, he has only been actually full once in his life after a particularly well-done mac and cheese dinner his mother (of all people!) prepared for him when all the stars aligned on November 2, 1994 at 2:45 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
Owen Henry Charles Buckingworth, III credits his journalistic tendencies to his junior high school English teacher, Mr. Blump, who encouraged Buckingworth to enter an International Punctuation Contest, and Buckingworth took home the Winner’s Trophy — by accident — but still!
Health and Beauty Editor
Carla Rothchild-Doink
For such an important and influential writer in the field of health and beauty, Carla Rothchild-Doink believes in keeping a low profile. Literally. Consequently Ms. Rothchild-Doink has never been photographed standing up.
“One’s profile is the side-view of what a person looks like from the side.” Ms. Rothchild-Doink is fond of saying and goes so far as to call this her “signature saying.”
In addition to dedicating her life to eating healthy foods, getting enough exercise, and brushing her hair a 100 times before going to bed, Carla Rothchild-Doink can be found on her days off, crawling on her hands and knees in the ocean thus keeping her hands and knees as soft as, but a little more puckered than, a baby’s.
Well, there you have it, Dear Readers! My brain, Peanuts, fantasy magazine!
Hello Dear Readers! Today is a life changing day. After reading today’s post, you will not only go away a person of exemplary character, you will, more importantly, know exactly what to do to keep your liver tender! So without further adieu, let’s start changing our lives by way of Mary Ellen’s Helpful Kitchen Hints!
This diminutive dossier written by the demure hand of Mary Ellen Pinkham back in 1980 is our golden ticket to efficiency in every single area of lives except bowling.
Let’s begin by zeroing in on some of the more riveting and exciting helpful hints:
Corn on the Cob Not in the Teeth!
This is just the kind of hint welove Mary Ellen so dearly for. In a mere 19 words, Mary Ellen has managed to solve the centuries-old heartbreak of that awkward, corn-silky smile! Oops, I think Mary Ellen forgot to mention to be sure to remember to clean off your husband’s toothbrush and put it back just as he left it when you’re done de-silking corn with it. (He’ll never know!) Oh Mary Ellen, you sly one you!
Mary Ellen’s Cottage Cheese Discovery
After years of exhaustive testing, Mary Ellen can finally say that cottage cheese stays fresher longer when stored upside down in the refrigerator just like Mary Ellen’s cat does, and just like Mary Ellen’s parakeet does and just like Mary Ellen’s husband does! Who knew? (Mary Ellen knew that’s who!)
Feats with Meats Not to Be Confused with Meat with Feets
Oh we’ll be thanking our beloved Mary Ellen for years to come for this one! Simply go to your local hardware store and find something shaped like a tube, like maybe a pipe. Then stop off at the welders and have it welded into the length of a package of bacon. After that, there’s only one more stop to make at Office Depot where you can purchase rubber bands.
Now, Mary Ellen doesn’t make mention of what size the rubber bands should be, but listen, Mary Ellen knows there are some just things in life we have to figure out for ourselves, Dear Readers, and I’m afraid this is one of them.
But it will all be worth it because, in the long run, we’ll be saving ourselves valuable time when it comes to peeling one piece of bacon apart from the one it’s stuck to. And what could be better than that? The answer is zilch, people, zilch!
High Liver High Liver High Lo
And now for the pièce de résistance, Dear Readers! The reason that you have read thus far and that is to find out the all important information of how to keep your liver tender! Well, our Dear Mary Ellen simply takes the liver, soaks it in milk, refrigerates it two hours, dries it, breads it and sautes it.
Well, if it worked for the livers of Mary Ellen’s cat and Mary Ellen’s parakeet and Mary Ellen’s husband, whose to say it won’t work for us, Dear Readers?
Until next time (when we discuss how Mary Ellen will be removing her mustache) . . . I love you
Dear Readers! What fruitful weekend I had at the Thrift Store. I was lucky enough to find this Heinz Ketchup cookbook from 1957!
You see, back in 1957, before life was unnecessarily complicated with Twitter, Facebook and the radio alarm clock, people would stay home and cook dishes that required a lot of Heinz Ketchup.
Let’s take a peek inside the pages of these 1957 Heinz Ketchup Prize winning recipes and see if we can get a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past:
It’s Red Magic! Hey wait a minute! In 1957, during the height of the cold war against communism, it seems a little odd that Heinz Ketchup would bill their product by saying “It’s Red Magic.”
And the fact that Mother seems to be flirting with a gigantic tomato man wearing a manacle isn’t helping Heinz Ketchup’s credibility either . . . oh well let’s just keep moving.
Okay, here we have Mother cooking with what looks like a radio-active bottle of Heinz Ketchup. But there’s probably a simple explanation.
Mother’s husband, Father, is probably a Nuclear Physicist who sometimes brings home radioactive isotopes from the office to put in the Ketchup bottle to freak Mother out!
That Father always with the pranks! (Too bad Mother didn’t even notice!)
The only explanation for what Mother is doing here is that Father told Mother to take a long walk on a short pier.
Ha! That Father!Which Mother did, of course, and while she was at it decided to do a little fishing.
Of course, as you can see the radioactive isotope has caused the Heinz Ketchup bottle to fuse permanently to Mother’s hand. Father. Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.
Here are Mother and Father’s children, Boy and Girl. They are eating minced ham and bean sandwiches that Father made for them.
Oh that wacky Father! He made both Boy and Girl these Ketchup bean sandwiches and is now hiding behind the Frigidaire spying on them as they try to eat their Ketchup bean sandwiches.
Right about now Father is probably thinking about how he should see if Milton Berle needs any more comedy writers!
Hey who’s this? Why it’s New Mother, of course. Old Mother had a drowning accident when she was unable to paddle to safety after falling off a short pier due to the Ketchup bottle being fused to her hand.
But that’s okay because Father found and married New Mother later that day! And New Mother has just cooked Father a tasty dish of Green Beans with Ketchup!
Little does New Mother know that Father has just stuck two radioactive isotopes into the casserole dish she’s holding and Father can’t wait to see the look on New Mother’s face when she tries to set the dish down but finds that it’s fused to her hands!
Unfortunately Father didn’t get to see the look on New Mother’s face because just then the phone rang and Father ran to answer it because — who knows — it might have been that all important call from Uncle Milty!
“I need a new comedy writer. Find out if Father’s available.”
And there you have it, Dear Readers, a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past.
Dear Readers, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Dudes and Dudettes, Babes and Babies, Presidents and Prime Ministers:
It’s time for us to say goodbye to awkward moments! Turn our backs on social faux pas and bid adieu to obnoxious behavior. For I have managed to procure for us, Dear Readers, the answers to all our problems:
Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette!
Let’s flip through some pages . . . Ah here we go!
A Guide to Tactful Conversation!
Amy says:
“In greeting people we say, “how do you do?” we do not really expect an answer, but it is all right to reply, “Very well, thank you,” even if it is a blue Monday and you feel far from well.” No one wants a clinical discussion in response to this purely rhetorical question.”
Amy will illustrate what she means by doing a little role playing with a Typical Person.
Amy: How do you do?
Typical Person: Does your stomach stick out like that because your preggers or are you just fat?
Amy says sorry but it is never polite to answer a question with a question. Amy says try again:
Amy: How do you do?
Typical Person: That depends . . . is that mildew smell coming from me or you?
Amy says this is better, but this reply is still in the form of a question. Amy says try again:
Amy: How do you do?
Typical Person: Who wants to know Funyun breath?
Amy says this reply is trending towards tactful but is not quite there yet. (She also says this typical person reminds her of someone but she can’t think who.) Amy says try again.
Amy says: How do you do?
Typical Person: I like Funyuns.
Yes! Very good! Amy is so proud!! Now Amy will move on to the next part of the tactful conversation lesson which covers not remembering names:
Amy says:
“If you are warmly greeted by someone whose name — or maybe whose face, too — you can’t recall say something harmless such as “nice to see you”. Then while looking quite attentive, let the other person do the talking until he or she gives a clue as to identity.”
Amy: Nice to see you.
Typical Person: You do not have a clue who I am, you are just pretending to look attentive but you have not been listening to a word I just said about the en-vi-RON-ment.
Amy says she likes this response because there are no contractions in it. Amy says this person reminds her of someone but she still cannot think who.
Amy: You are looking well.
Typical Person: It feels like we have been talking for one thousand, billion, million trillion hours.
Amy: Al? Al Gore? Is that you?
Typical Person, Al: Yes. Yes. Yes. It is me Al Gore. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Amy: Thanks for standing me up the other night! You have some nerve!
Typical person, Al: Sorry I cannot do anything but stand up. Plus I was out of Funyuns. Do you want to go to get some Funyuns with me?
Amy: Of course Al! You know, I cannot resist a man who does not use contractions!
Amy says that concludes our Guide to Tactful Conversation lesson one! But Amy is sure she will be back real soon to teach us more etiquette because she just cannot help herself!
You take a knife, you use it to cut the bread, so you’ll have strength to work; you use it to shave, so you’ll look nice for your lover; on discovering her with another, you use it to cut out her lying heart.
He uses one object, a knife, to flesh out a character and to tell a story in a basic three-part dramatic structure. We want the same from you. Give us 33 words (exactly) that tell us three different uses for one object
Hello Dear Reader and welcome to today’s post where we will be taking a look at 8″ people I admire. Let’s start with:
The Musically Determined Little Johnny Carver
Little Johnny Carver is only 8″ high, but did that stop him from becoming one of the most outstanding country artists of his time? With hits like Your Lily White Hands, New Lips and Don’t Monkey with Another Monkey’s Monkey under his tiny little belt, Itty-bitty Johnny Carver is taking all the right teeny-weeny steps to musical stardom! Proving that no matter how small you start out, it is possible to become a huge success (figuratively speaking, of course!) And so Johnny Carver, I drink a toast to you!
The Courageous Spoinky McSpecks!
The courageous life of 8″ high pizza delivery boy, Spoinky McSpecks is a tale of determination and bravery the likes of which has yet to be equaled in the pizza delivery world. Risking his life up to 20 times a day, delivering pizzas and getting lousy tips (even though they are practically as big as he is), Spoinky remains steadfast to his mission while facing terrible dangers like getting tangled up in duct tape and other life threatening situations that is annoying to you and I — but is potentially fatal to 8″ people! And so I say: Spoinky McSpecks I salute you!
8″ virtuoso KhanIhazmy Chekplezhas never let his small stature deter him from his dream of playing the lilting strains of the Extra-large Slavic Ukelele. Oh sure, it’s a strain for him alright, both physically, mentally, and emotionally, but you’d never know it by the look on his face! My hat’s off to you KhanIhazmy Chekplez!
These four 8″ people equal 32″ of fun!
Even though these four people, when laid end-to-end, wouldn’t even reach the of a yardstick, that hasn’t dampened their enthusiasm one bit! Here they are, merrily going about their bookkeeping duties using the same size pencils we normal sized people use without a care in the world even though the toll on their backs has to be tremendous! And that is why I have to say to this fun loving group of 8 Inchers: I applaud your ‘smarvelousness!
And there you have it, Dear Reader! The courageous lives of some very special 8″ people I admire!
Until next time . . . I love you
Hello Dear Readers! I had a little extra time on my hands the other day, and I just happened to be driving by the thrift store, so I dashed in for a second and came away the proud new owner of:
Handy Andy Magazine from 1980!
Now before you go thinking that Handy Andy is one of those guys who pretends to be a Handy Man as a way of getting inside your house, scoping out the place and coming back at a more convenient time to steal all your possessions and murder you, you would be wrong.
After carefully perusing this Pocket-Size Do It Yourself Guide for Everyone for blood stains and having found none, I have come to the conclusion that Andy isn’t a murderer at all but simply a misunderstood Anal Retentive handy man who can get a little peevish if somebody messes with his tools.
Let’s take a look inside shall we?
Here are some 1980 anal retentive tips sent in by some 1980 Handy Andy Magazine’s anal retentive readers:
Andrew Vena Has an Anal Retentive Suggestion to save you money!
Andrew Vena suggestsreusing sanding disks by cleaning them off! It easy! You just: 1) scrape off the ridges with a knife 2) apply varnish remover 3)wait for paint to soften 4) hold the sanding disk under running water 5) remove goo with a wire brush and viola! the sanding disk will be as good as new saving you, the handyman or woman, the cost of a new sanding disk! And the best part? Every time you reuse that sanding disk, you’ll be pocketing a cool 35 cents instead of forking it over to The Man!
Mrs. Jane Johnson Writes Poignantly about Shelf Protectors!
Who else but Mrs. Jane Johnsonof Minnetonka could have thought of this ingenious idea! And that is to put the plastic lids of cans that came with plastic lids on the bottom of other cans that didn’t come with plastic lids so that the cans that didn’t come with plastic lids can go under the cans with . . or maybe over the cans that, uh . . . oh who cares, she’s probably dead anyway!
Here’s a dandy Handy Andy Anal Retentive Tip from Wilfred Beaver of Sparta Wis.!
Apparently Wilfred Beaver’s shower is on the fritz again because he has to wash his hair in a lavatory and his dog’s hair in the bathtub and vice versa. And apparently Wilfred Beaver’s hair follicles are bailing out in record numbers every time he washes his hair in the lavatory and/or bathtub which has caused Wilfred Beaver to feel the need to dam his lavatory drain with “a wad of steel wood.” Oh sure it sounds gross, but it’s the kind of activity that keeps Wilfred Beaver busy. And Mrs. Wilfred Beaver isn’t complaining — so why should we?
Well, Dear Readers, that’s all the anal retentive Handy Andy tips we have time for today, but check back in tomorrow when we will be having fun explaining some of the mysterious illustrations (dont’ worry they’re not bloodstains, I’m pretty sure) included our 1980 Handy Andy Magazine!
Linda Vernon Humor 