Dear Readers, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Dudes and Dudettes, Babes and Babies, Presidents and Prime Ministers:
It’s time for us to say goodbye to awkward moments! Turn our backs on social faux pas and bid adieu to obnoxious behavior. For I have managed to procure for us, Dear Readers, the answers to all our problems:
Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette!
Let’s flip through some pages . . . Ah here we go!
A Guide to Tactful Conversation!
Amy says:
“In greeting people we say, “how do you do?” we do not really expect an answer, but it is all right to reply, “Very well, thank you,” even if it is a blue Monday and you feel far from well.” No one wants a clinical discussion in response to this purely rhetorical question.”
Amy will illustrate what she means by doing a little role playing with a Typical Person.
Amy: How do you do?
Typical Person: Does your stomach stick out like that because your preggers or are you just fat?
Amy says sorry but it is never polite to answer a question with a question. Amy says try again:
Amy: How do you do?
Typical Person: That depends . . . is that mildew smell coming from me or you?
Amy says this is better, but this reply is still in the form of a question. Amy says try again:
Amy: How do you do?
Typical Person: Who wants to know Funyun breath?
Amy says this reply is trending towards tactful but is not quite there yet. (She also says this typical person reminds her of someone but she can’t think who.) Amy says try again.
Amy says: How do you do?
Typical Person: I like Funyuns.
Yes! Very good! Amy is so proud!! Now Amy will move on to the next part of the tactful conversation lesson which covers not remembering names:
Amy says:
“If you are warmly greeted by someone whose name — or maybe whose face, too — you can’t recall say something harmless such as “nice to see you”. Then while looking quite attentive, let the other person do the talking until he or she gives a clue as to identity.”
Amy: Nice to see you.
Typical Person: You do not have a clue who I am, you are just pretending to look attentive but you have not been listening to a word I just said about the en-vi-RON-ment.
Amy says she likes this response because there are no contractions in it. Amy says this person reminds her of someone but she still cannot think who.
Amy: You are looking well.
Typical Person: It feels like we have been talking for one thousand, billion, million trillion hours.
Amy: Al? Al Gore? Is that you?
Typical Person, Al: Yes. Yes. Yes. It is me Al Gore. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Amy: Thanks for standing me up the other night! You have some nerve!
Typical person, Al: Sorry I cannot do anything but stand up. Plus I was out of Funyuns. Do you want to go to get some Funyuns with me?
Amy: Of course Al! You know, I cannot resist a man who does not use contractions!
Amy says that concludes our Guide to Tactful Conversation lesson one! But Amy is sure she will be back real soon to teach us more etiquette because she just cannot help herself!
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
what is funyun ?!
Funyuns are like potato chips only they are supposed to taste like onion rings — I think they are made out of onions and lots of chemicals, of course. I just thought they seem like something Al Gore would love to eat! 😀 Plus I get a kick out of the name. 😀
Oh! They do have a very quirky name 🙂
Best everrrrr!
Really Sillyliss? Well your comment just made my day!
So it’s all Amy’s fault. I knew it. 😉
I know! I think we can pretty much blame everything on her. 😀
[…] had the wonderfully humorous blog Linda Vernon Humor leaving your daily routine minty not mediciney. […]
Haha! As soon as I saw Funyuns make an appearance I knew which way this was going! I also laughed at “does your stomach stick out like that because your preggers or just fat?” LOL!!!
Ha! I guess I just couldn’t wait until Friday to commune with The Gore Man! And who knows, maybe someday he will show up in a Sunday School Drop out Bible story! There could be some sort of miracle going on with turning potato chips into Funyuns or maybe turning Al from wood into a real boy! Or both! Oh the possibilities are endless and make life worth living! 😀
Yay! awesome as ever and I laughed myself silly – I want a funyun now… OH did you see? My first featured Artsy Fartist – now I need to make you a badge… I love you 🙂
Lizzie
OH boy! I get a badge YAY!!!! Oh boy! I still my Cracked Vocab Sparkly Star. And now I get another one to add to it! Woohoo! 😀
yep- but since that just popped into my head the moment I wrote it – it may take some time..but you shall have a badge. Featured Artsy Fartist… that just tickles me.. 🙂
I have had some trouble with conversational questions lately, too. I only I’d had Amy to guide the way.
http://birdiesiview.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/is-it-ok-to-say-that/
Yes Paula J! Maybe we should all carry her manners manual around with us and whenever a iffy situation arises we could refer to it. Oh, that’s gives me an idea. Maybe I’ll have to make a cheat sheet!
Ok, go check out your link now!
I’m ashamed to say I’ve read this book.
Well I think that’s wonderful and I am currently enjoying the heck out of it. Especially the part explaining how it isn’t polite to refer to your butler as a butler unless he is in charge of a staff. Of course that goes without saying but, you know, I’m still enjoying it even it some of the info is a little redundant! 😀
Never has an empty-calories snack food brought so much joy to so many people!
Loved the Funyuns bag toss cartoon, especially how Al has one foot pointed in the opposite direction, so he can make a quick getaway and not have to share the Funyuns!! : P
LOL Mark! I bet you didn’t know Al was so athletically inclined! (Neither did he!) HA! 😀
And do you think the Funyuns have anything to do with Amy’s Humped back condition?