Harmful Ingredients Lurking in Our Favorite Snacks

Hello Dear Reader!  Well it’s Wednesday.  Today my brain, Peanuts,  got a bee in its bonnet about harmful ingredients lurking in our favorite snacks after reading an article on the internet about harmful ingredients lurking in our favorite snacks.

Of course, Peanuts revised the article a little by taking out all the boring facts and replacing them with lies and fibs. And so without further adieu, let’s look at:

Harmful Ingredients Lurking in Our Favorite Snacks

BHA   BHA

This preservative is used to prevent rancidity in foods that contain oils. Unfortunately, BHA (butylated hydroxyanisole) causes . . . guess what?

Did you guess the Bubonic Plague, Dear Reader?  You did?  That’s amazing! The FDA and Peanuts are very proud of you! Give yourself a pat on the back. (But not too hard lest you start yourself coughing again.) Peanuts and the FDA say it’s probably best to stay away from BHA like the plague! Unless, of course, you enjoy having the occasional bout of Black Death in which case just tell everybody to shut up, stand back and pass the Kellogg’s Corn Flakes.

ParabensParabens

These synthetic preservatives are used to inhibit mold and yeast in food. The problem is parabens may also disrupt your body’s hormonal balance causing you to have difficulty yodeling in front of crowds of 5,000 people or more.  If your livelihood depends on your yodeling abilities, the FDA and Peanuts suggest you forgo the parabens altogether.  If, however, your yodeling is just a hobby . . .  then yodel your little odle-lay-ee-who heart out!

Partially hydro   Partially Hydrogenated Oil

Watch out for Partially Hydrogenated Oil. That’s because partially hydrogenated oil is a “trans fat” and trans fats are infamous for clogging up arteries, toilets and the works. Trans fats are different from regular fats in that if you’re standing next to someone who is eating a great big piece of cheesecake containing trans fats, all the fat will transfer from them over to you — causing you to gain five pounds.  The FDA and Peanuts recommend you stand at least 20 feet away from anyone who is eating cheesecake.

 Ice Cream   Castoreum

 Castoreum is one of the many nebulous “natural ingredients” used to flavor food. Though it isn’t harmful, it is unsettling. Castoreum is a substance made from beavers’ castor sacs, and anal scent glands. (And here you thought beavers were only good for making messy dams.)  If you get queasy easy, the FDA and Peanuts suggest you might want to forego the ice cream containing beaver castor sacs and anal scent glands and consider only eating ice cream that was made from great big gobs of green gushy gopher guts.

Funyuns

Even though Funyuns contain all of the ingredients listed above and then some, the FDA and Peanuts aren’t saying eating Funyuns will kill you, as such. Far from it. After all, everybody knows that Funyuns are the favorite snacks of world luminaries all over the world, such as Al Gore.  However, the FDA has issued a warning that ingesting Funyuns may cause Robotism or Frankenstienism in some people –mostly in people who are World Luminaries and who answer “what” when someone calls out the name “Al Gore.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Next time you take a bite out of something, remember not to think about anything you just read.

Until next time . . . Peanuts and I love you (and maybe even the FDA but probably not)

Fish it From the Archives Friday: Ode to Al Gore

Welcome to Friday, Dear Readers.  I read recently that Al Gore has taken up a Vegan diet!   I just hope he doesn’t scarf down all the Vegans and will leave some for the rest of us!   Anyway, it got me to thinking about Dear Old Al: 

An Ode To Al

al-gore

Oh dear Al Gore, we love you so

For making up stuff, as you go

You’re so much fun, you’re such a  gas

And of late, a colossal mass!

Al Gore's epitaph

You are The Man of all things global

The recipient of prizes, Nobel

There’s really nothing we can do

To fill your carbon footprint shoe!

Al_Gore thinking

Though the environment’s in such a state

There’s still not too much on your plate!

There’s greenhouse gas, there’s ecosystems

(Well it’s far too numerous to list ’em)

algore_slaphead

Oh dear Al Gore, you always please

When a tear for polar bears you squeeze

And when you apply your concentration

You can actually pronounce “deforestation”!

300px-AlGoreGlobalWarmingTalk_Crop11

Oh dear Al Gore, what would you do

If we weren’t burning fossil fuel

And melting glaciers left and right

To aid you in your noble fight!

al_gore_1

When all is said and done, Dear Al

And you shuffle off to be God’s pal

Those pearly gates you’ll enter yet

For giving us the Internet

al-gore-pray

Until next time . . . I love you

Shenanigans From Around the World

Dear Readers! Here’s some shenanigans from around the world gleaned from various places around the Internet®algore.  These true news items have been either slightly altered, drastically changed or completely and utterly falsified to make it more fun.

It's a lion!  We're not lyin'!
What? No, that’s a lion alright.  Trust us.

The World’s Lamest Zoo

When the lion at the Henan Province Zoo in China was sent away to a breeding center, zoo keepers got a great idea!

They took a Tibetan Mastiff, owned by one of the workers, fluffed up his fur with massive amounts of hair gel — then blew it dry with China’s only un-exported, hand-held hairdryer.

All that was left to do was  slap a sign on its cage that said “Africa Lion” and open the zoo up for business as usual.

As luck would have it, shortly thereafter, a conscientious mother of one visited the zoo with her son for the express purpose of teaching him what sounds animals make.

When the lion started barking, the mother was almost as outraged as the little boy was confused.  When the mother complained, the zoo keepers said they had to pass the dog off as an African Lion for “safety concerns.”

Either way, they will all be executed at dawn.

green bunny
Move over, Kermit!

Glow in the Dark Bunnies

Bored with pulling the wings off flies and tying tin cans to the tails of cats, a group of scientists led by Dr. Stefan ‘Lenny’ Moisyadi, a biogenesis researcher based in Turkey, decided to clone a colony of rabbits that glow bright green in the dark.

“And on top of it, their fur is beginning to grow and the greenness is shining right there in the fur, it’s so intense!” Moisyadi is actually quoted as saying.

By making rabbits that glow green in the dark, Dr. Moisyadi is attempting to advance medical research to develop treatments for life-threatening illnesses such as Shimmering Measles, Tuber-I-see-you-culosis and Kermit the Frog’s Disease.

Dr. Moisyadi stressed that the rabbits are not affected by the fluorescent protein and will have the same life span as other rabbits.

“Being fluorescent at night, during prime hunting hours, has nothing whatsoever to do with the length of their lifespan,” Dr. Moisyadi didn’t go on to say as he was too busy pinching puppies.

Raisin their voices to priase God.
Raisin their voices for praisin’ the Lord!

Is that you God? It’s me, Fresno

People in the town of Fresno, California have started to gather around a Crepe Myrtle tree after sharp-eyed parishioner, Maria Ybarra, first reported drops of liquid falling from it and naturally assumed it to be God manifesting himself in Fresno.  As news of this miracle spread, many people began gathering around the tree to pray.

Fresno arborist, Jon ‘Get Real’ Reelhorn, however, believes the explanation for the drops falling from the tree is tree lice excrement.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have been called in to determine if God is manifesting himself in Fresno in the Crepe Myrtle tree in the form of tree lice excrement.

Oh Golly Jeepers! This dumb thing . . . what did I do wrong now?"
Oh Golly Jeepers! This dumb thing . . . what did I do wrong now?”

Texting and Driving While Asleep

Concerned friends of a New Zealand woman notified the authorities when the woman kept turning up at their houses, sound asleep, after having driven hundreds of miles to their homes — all the while sending them incoherent text messages along the way.

“While her being found safe and well is a relief for everyone involved, the potential for tragedy was huge.” Senior Sergeant Dave Litton said.

Police are looking into whether the woman was really asleep by trying to determine if the incoherent text messages were due to slumber —  or if they were simply the result of her being an over-age-55 texter.  They don’t expect the case to be solved any time soon.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, Shenanigans from Around the
World!

Until next time . . . I love you

An Ode to Al Gore

An Ode To Al

al-gore

Oh dear Al Gore, we love you so

For making up stuff, as you go

You’re so much fun, you’re such a  gas

And of late, a colossal mass!

Al Gore's epitaph

You are The Man of all things global

The recipient of prizes, Nobel

There’s really nothing we can do

To fill your carbon footprint shoe!

Al_Gore thinking

Though the environment’s in such a state

There’s still not too much on your plate!

There’s greenhouse gas, there’s ecosystems

(Well it’s far too numerous to list ’em)

algore_slaphead

Oh dear Al Gore, you always please

When a tear for polar bears you squeeze

And when you apply your concentration

You can actually pronounce “deforestation”!

300px-AlGoreGlobalWarmingTalk_Crop11

Oh dear Al Gore, what would you do

If we weren’t burning fossil fuel

And melting glaciers left and right

To aid you in your noble fight!

al_gore_1

When all is said and done, Dear Al

And you shuffle off to be God’s pal

Those pearly gates you’ll enter yet

For giving us the Internet

al-gore-pray

Until next time . . . I love you

Signs You Might be Overanticipating Summer

Of course, we’re all looking forward to the beginning of summer, but here’s some signs you might be over-anticipating the summer fun.

You’ve replaced all your belts with inner tubes.

Summer Linda Vernon Humor
“Really, Barbara, must you wear that silly inner tube?”
“If I want to keep my pants up, I do, Betty!”

You refuse to eat anything that doesn’t come on a stick.

Overanticipating summer linda vernon humor
“Hi, yes I”ll have a corn dog.”
“Sorry, we don’t have corn dogs.”
“Then give me some cotton candy.”
“Sorry, no cotton candy.”
“Popcicle?”
“Nope.”
“Shish Kabob?”
“No.”
“Would you by any chance have a carmeled apple or chocolate banana on a stick?
“Just order a Happy Meal, Bub.”

You’ve asked  Al Gore for a little extra “fun in the sun”  global warming.

Al Gore Humor Linda Vernon humor
What’s that? You want a little more global warming? Oh yeah? Come up here a minute, I’ll give you a little extra global warming!”

You’ve got a bee up your bonnet and you’ve never been happier!

Bees Oprah, linda vernon humor
“Yes bees!  Summer’s here! Somebody get me my bonnet!”

Two Words:  Thong City

What? No not those kind of thongs!
What? Wait . . . not those kind of thongs!

You’ve gone a little crazy because you can’t find your pail and shovel.

Al Gore humor, Linda vernon humor
Wait a minute fellas! Dear God! Is that my pail and shovel over there?

You refuse to relax on anything that doesn’t inflate.

Aren't you even going to get out to eat dinner?   "That depends . . .Did you get the the inflatable dining set blown up yet?
“Come on Marge!  You’ve been out there 17 hours. Don’t you want to come in for dinner?”
“That depends . . .did you get the inflatable dining set blown up yet?”

You’re getting a reputation as someone who has a lot of beach balls!

summer fun linda vernon humor
“Wow! Those are impressive balls!”
“Thank you!’

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Now get out there and have a great weekend.

Until next time . . . I love you

Amy Vanderbilt’s Very Special Student

Dear Readers, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Dudes and Dudettes, Babes and Babies, Presidents and Prime Ministers:

It’s time for us to say goodbye to awkward moments!  Turn our backs on social faux pas and bid adieu to obnoxious behavior.  For I have managed to procure for us, Dear Readers, the answers to all our problems:

Amy Vanderbilt’s  Complete Book of Etiquette!

Let’s flip through some pages . . . Ah here we go!

A Guide to Tactful Conversation!

Amy says:

“In greeting people we say, “how do you do?” we do not really expect an answer, but it is all right to reply, “Very well, thank you,” even if it is a blue Monday and you feel far from well.”  No one wants a clinical discussion in response to this purely rhetorical question.”

Amy will illustrate what she means by doing a little role playing with a Typical Person.

Amy:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  Does your stomach stick out like that because your preggers or are you just fat?

Amy says sorry but it is never polite to answer a question with a question. Amy says try again:

Amy:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  That depends . . . is that mildew smell coming from me or you?

Amy says this is better, but this reply is still in the form of a question. Amy says try again:

Amy:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  Who wants to know Funyun breath?

Amy says this reply is trending towards tactful but is not quite there yet. (She also says this typical person reminds her of someone but she can’t think who.)  Amy says try again.

Amy says:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  I like Funyuns.

Yes!  Very good!  Amy is so proud!!  Now Amy will move on to the next part of the tactful conversation lesson which covers not remembering names:

Amy says:

“If you are warmly greeted by someone whose name — or maybe whose face, too — you can’t recall say something harmless such as “nice to see you”.  Then while looking quite attentive, let the other person do the talking until he or she gives a clue as to identity.”

Amy:  Nice to see you.

Typical Person: You do not have a clue who I am, you are just pretending to look attentive but you have not been listening to a word I just said about the en-vi-RON-ment.

Amy says she likes this response because there are no contractions in it.  Amy says this person reminds her of someone but she still cannot think who. 

Amy:  You are looking well.

Typical Person:  It feels like we have been talking for one thousand, billion, million trillion hours.

Amy:  Al?  Al Gore?  Is that you?

Typical Person, Al:  Yes. Yes. Yes.  It is me Al Gore. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Amy:  Thanks for standing me up the other night! You have some nerve!

Typical person, Al:  Sorry I cannot do anything but stand up. Plus I was out of Funyuns.  Do you want to go to get some Funyuns with me?

Amy:  Of course Al!   You know, I cannot resist a man who does not use contractions!

Amy says that concludes our Guide to Tactful Conversation lesson one!  But Amy is sure she will be back real soon to teach us more etiquette because she just cannot help herself! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Funyuns. Funyuns. Funyuns. Yes. Yes. Yes.

The Al Gore Comics

Our Beloved Al