Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram Gets a Sweet Deal

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about what happened when Abram and Lot decided to go their separate ways after getting kicked out of Egypt.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining how everything might have happened.

GregoryThe Lord Gives Abram a Sweet Deal!

In last week’s lesson, Abram became the Lord’s new favorite person, and the only thing Abram had to do to maintain his status, as such, was move to Canaan and have  cart-loads of kids which in those days were called descendants.

But first Abram took a detour to Egypt where he told the Egyptian King it was okay for him to sleep with his sister who was really his wife causing the Lord to fire up his smiter and smite the Egyptian king with a biblical disease from The Lord’s Big Book of Biblical Diseases.

Long story short,  Abram and his wife, Sarai and his nephew, Lot, had to schlep all the way back to Caanan  carrying all the riches they managed to wheedle out of the Egyptian king once the Egyptian King gave them the ol’ pharaoh heave ho.

Then Abram and his nephew, Lot, started up a company called  “Just Goats!” conveniently located just off the cart path between Bethel and Ai.

Abram and Sarai looking at a goat or a sheep

Everything was going great until Lot started messing with the business plan:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, besides offering a senior discount for anybody over 600, I was thinking since we’ve got all these camels running around, we should start selling camels in addition to goats.

Abram:  Camels are disgusting. Nobody wants a camel.

Lot:  We could say they are super-sized goats.  Nobody will ever know the difference!

Abram:  Nobody wants a super-sized goat that’s really a camel.

Lot:  Then would you mind if I took the camels and opened my own business in beautiful downtown Sodom?

Abram:  You can do anything you want with those stupid camels as long as I don’t have to clean up after them.

Lot:  That won’t be a problem, Uncle, because everybody knows what happens in Sodom stays in Sodom, ha ha!  Get it?

Abram:  Sorry, I’m not much of a laugher.

So Lot took the camels and headed off for the Jordan Valley and Abram stayed in the land of Caanan with the Caananites and the Perizzites — a  pretzel-loving parasitic people.

As soon as Lot was out of hearing range, the Lord said to Abram:

Lord: From where you are look carefully in all directions — because I am going to give you all the land you see!

Abram:  Wow!  Thanks!  Would you mind if I got up on the roof first?

The Lord:  I am going to give you so many descendants that no one will be able to count them all!

Abram:  Uh, I’m not big on kids.  I mean the babies are cute — but as we all know, they eventually turn into teenagers.

The Lord:  It would be as easy to count all the specks of dust on earth!

Abram:  Are we still talking about kids?  I hope not.

The Lord:  Now go and look over the whole land because I am going to give it all to you!

Abram:  Gosh thanks, but would it possible to still get the land but maybe fewer kids?  Hello?  Lord? Hello?  Hello?

When the Lord quit answering  Abram’s calls, he decided to make the best of things by moving his goats, his slaves and his wife to a place called Mamre at Hebron.

There Abram build an altar to the Lord and hung out his  “Just Goats” shingle.  Then he settled into the long process  finding babysitters, interviewing nannies and building a cart-load of boarding schools.

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Please remember to check back next week to see what happens.

Abram's descendants

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Circular Vacationing

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
Copyright John Dixon

George where are you? I hear you — but I can’t see you.

I’m by the crooked tree!

Which one?

The one shaped like an S.

But they’re all shaped like an S.

I’m by the one that has a curlicue branch growing out of it.

But they all have curlicue branches growing out of them.

It’s wizened!

Oh wizened. That’s helpful, George.

Hey! You’re the one who insisted on vacationing at Macramé World, Marge!  Marge?  Marge?

I’m over here, George!

Where?

By the crooked tree!

Which one?

The one that’s shaped like an S.

* * *

If you would like to participate in Friday Fictioneers, go to Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple, write a 100-word story inspired by this week’s picture and  link up.  It’s fun!  It’s refreshing! You’ll like it! 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Farewell to Thee — My Beloved 3 3 3

Dear Readers, today marks the very last entry for the Trifecta Writing Challenge.

 After years of dedicated service to so many of us  writers, the editors have decided to close up shop and pursue new and exciting adventures.

I can honestly say, I’ve never had so much fun writing as I have writing for the wonderful and thoughtful writing challenges the editors at the Trifecta Writing Challenge set up for us each week.

It boggles my mind when I think of how much time and effort, thought and dedication they put into it. And I learned so much about how to write and met so many wonderful writers!

I appreciate all that they’ve done more than they’ll ever know.  And so it is with a heavy heart that I write this final challenge.

Farewell to Thee My Beloved 3 3 3

 Ah! Creative bliss!

Our weekly word bouquet

Where our words did pile up

 In fabulous array!

But over now, just let me say

There’s really nothing worse

When pretty-little, piled-words

Must scatter and disperse

 With much love and appreciation from just a few of those who would have never existed without you,

Tracey Hollaway
Mr. Wondlewinkie
Deputy Darwood Blick
Melvin Meebee
Wesley Nonlinger
Strutner Von Puddlepants
Mrs. MacSmathers
El Guapo
The Knee Deepians
Puffy Weemers
Piedmond Poink
Toots Tenyada
Heebs Hoover
Spendal Braun
Layla Bernice Stub
Annamarie Anabella Dot
Specks MacDiddles
Benjamin Feldermyer
Roger Lapew
Sarah Bubbles
Marty McDump
Chlorine Carmichael’s Mother
Markie MacGiggles
Magnificent Jones
Spinkz McCoy
Valeria Lafoot
Zingy Zanderlini
Judy Beyerstrom
Ingernelly Asp
Myopic Kate
Vince Valdarian
Turnelly’s Junkyard Hamster
Quasar Pottimas
The Angel Landsburyians
Lemonmaringuepieuary
Dilly Dallyer
The Residents of Panhandler Pennsylvania
Father Ozzie
Rear Admiral Rasputin Riboflavin
Jake Spitzwater
Marlene Frappizio
Dr. Sarandon Rap
Pamela Darling
Smolden Farlington
Shelden Pilfington
Little Horribella
Nigel Cornhusker
Larry Flerd
Becky Slater

Yaard Flunder
Don Bunkley
Studs McCain
Charlie Center
Al One
Talligas Harrington
Don Deeble
Helen Henderdorkle
Miss Penelope
Pickles the Snake
King Tut’s Righ and left-hand man
Dr. Cartwheel

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about God’s new favorite person, Abram and his journey to Canaan.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining what that journey must have been like.

Gregory's bible stories by Linda VernonAbram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

As you will remember from last week’s Tower of Babel lesson, the Lord made it clear that trying to build a tower to reach to heaven was numero uno on the list of boo boos in The Lord’s Big Book of Boo Boos.

So the Lord had no choice but to scatter mankind all over the earth and confuse the language so that if one man said, “please pass the unleavened bread,” the other man would respond by killing two donkeys,  marrying his sister and untying all his camels.

Life went on in this confusing way generation after generation.  The Lord didn’t really seem to notice anyone in particular until Abram came along.  Then the  Lord decided Abram was his new favorite person.

The Lord had big plans for Abram which included moving Abram, his wife, Sarai, his animals, all his stuff, his slaves and his nephew, Lot, to the land of Canaan.

 And so began their journey:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram!  Did you see that sign back there on the road?

Abram:  No what did it say?

Lot:  It said, Welcome to Canaan.  Sacred Tree of Moreh one mile!

Sarai:  Finally, I’m so hungry I could eat a goat.

Abram: Sorry Sarai, the goat is for a sacrifice to the Lord at the Sacred Tree of Morah where I’m going to build an alter.

Sarai:  Tell me about it!  I didn’t say the goat I said a goat.

Lot:  Uh oh, Uncle Abram.  It looks like we forgot to bring the alter building supplies.

Abram:  Oh nuts!  Everybody keep your eyes peeled for an alter supply store.

Abram and Sarai and Lot and all their animals and all their slaves and all their stuff were continuing on their journey to southern Canaan when a famine hit:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, I’m starving! When are we stopping for lunch?

Sarai:  Oh look, Abram, there’s a Goat Burger King!  Can we stop?

Goat Burger King employee:  May I take your order?

Abram:  Yes we’ll each have a goat burger, an order of figs and a large pottery vessel of water.

Goat Burger King employee:  Sorry we’re all out.

Abram:  Of goat burgers?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Of everything but the water.

Abram:  Fine just give us three waters then.

Goat Burger King Employee:  We’ll have to charge you for water.

Abram:  Why?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Because you’re not ordering any food.

Abram:  Listen here, young man! Perhaps I forgot to mention that I am the Lord’s favorite person on the planet, right now, and unless you enjoy being smited . . .

Goat Burger King Employee:  Three free waters comin’ right up!

After that Abram and all his stuff and his wife and his animals and all his slaves and his nephew, Lot, decided to take a detour to Egypt because there was a famine, and they thought they caught a whiff of baked goods coming from that direction.

Smelling Egyptian Baked Goods

Abram:  Listen Sarai.  You’re a beautiful woman.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  And, as such, the Egyptian king is going to take one look at you and want to kill me because I’m your husband.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  So I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind saying you’re my sister.  That way I can use my relationship to you to get lots of free stuff from the king.

Sarah:  Tell me about it!

So Abram told the King that Sarai was his sister and the king bought it hook, line and sinker and told Sarai that she could  not only sleep in the king’s palace but in the king’s master bedroom on the kings master bed right next to the king — if she didn’t snore too loudly which, as luck would have it, she didn’t.

The King was so pleased with Abram’s wife’s not snoring that he gifted Abram with sheep and cattle and goats and donkeys and slaves and camels.

But then the Lord found out about all the not snoring going on with the Egyptian King and Abram’s wife, Sarai, and it made Him so mad, He brought a terrible disease on the King and on the people of his palace so the Egyptian king sent for Abram:

Egyptian King:  The  Lord is super mad at me because Sarai is your wife, and we’ve been not snoring together all this time thus causing the Lord to bring down a terrible disease upon us! Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?

Abram:  Uh . . . you didn’t ask?

Egyptian King:  Take all your stuff and your wife and your slaves and the Lot you brought with you, and get out!

Abram:  Do I get to keep all the sheep and the  cattle and the slaves you gave me?

Egyptian King:  Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way!

Abram:  I don’t really care, but the Lord was wondering . . .

Egyptian King:  Like I said there is absolutely no way!  No way you’re not going to take them with you as my lovely parting gift, that is!

So Abram and his wife and his nephew, Lot, and all his stuff, and his slaves and his animals went north out of Egypt.

Lot:  Jeepers, we sure made out like bandits in Egypt didn’t we, Uncle Abram?

Abram:  You can say that again, right Sarai?

Sarai:  Tell me about it!

Abram and the King of Egypt

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Remember to check back next week at this time to see what happens next!

Until next time . . . I love you

Nature Inspired Art by My Brain Peanuts

Welcome to Saturday, Dear Readers!  Today my brain, Peanuts, went on strike and simply refused to come up with any ideas for today’s post.  So Peanuts and I went out for a little walk in nature and here’s what we found:

A leaf, a pine cone and a stick
A leaf, a pine cone and a stick

We found this leaf and this pine cone and this stick.  Frankly I don’t think that a leaf, a  pine cone and a stick are all that inspiring. However, Peanuts thought they were hugely inspiring.

Here’s some art Peanuts drew inspired by a leaf, a pine cone and a stick:

img050
A Duck
Moose and Squirrel Squirrel not pictured
And Moose and Squirrel sans squirrel
horse
A mighty stallion
img053
A Grateful Mother

 

Twiggy made from real twigs
Twiggy
Hunch Back of Notre Dame
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Marge Simpson
Marge Simpson

And there you have it Dear Readers!  A little nature inspired art by Peanuts.

Until next time . . .I love you

Do You Suffer from Jam Side Down Syndrome?

The Scenario:    Shuffle to computer holding toast and jam.  Promptly drop toast and jam — jam side down — onto computer keyboard. 

Slather jam on second piece of toast and shuffle back to computer.  Promptly drop toast and jam — jam side down — onto computer keyboard.

Now most people would label this as the beginning of a very bad day — a Jam Side Down Day, if you will. But for me, it’s simply part of my normal, everyday, existence.

That’s because I suffer from a syndrome called  Jam-Side-Down Syndrome or JSDS.  You’ve probably never heard of it before due to the fact that I just now made it up.

Jam in happier times.

Now, even though I just this very moment made up Jam Side Down Syndrome, I’m sure there will be a pill for it coming out on the market any minute now.

Just because the pharmaceutical companies have never heard of JSDS, as yet, doesn’t mean they haven’t been busy busting their humps  developing a new, miracle drug that will lessen the incidence of dropping something jam side down — just in case.

Extremely rare photo of Jam Side Up. Experts cannot agree as to its authenticity.”

And the real kicker is that this new miracle drug will probably be no more addictive than your average heroin cigarette!

So no big whoop all the way around!  Wouldn’t you agree?

Now it seems the only thing left for me to do is think up a quiz that would indicate whether or not a person might be suffering from JSDS.  Well, that’s smple!

Do You Suffer from Jam Side Down Syndrome? The Quiz!

1) How many articles of clothing are hanging in your closet this very minute that have jam stains on them?

a) one

b) two

c) 17  perhaps?

2) How many times did you slip on some jam and fall down the stairs this morning?

a) one

b) two

c) 17 perhaps?

If a tree fell in the forest do you think it would land jam side down?

a) yes

b) no

c) 17 perhaps?

Suppose you were skydiving while eating toast and jam and your parachute failed to open. What odds would you give yourself of landing Jam Side Down?

A)  7 out of 23

B) 132 out of 6

C)  17 perhaps?

Suppose you were walking through a beautiful garden and were hit on the head by an asteroid with jam on it that was hurling to earth at a tremendous speed.  Would the undertaker have to charge extra for washing jam out of your hair?

A) yes

B) No

C) 17 perhaps?

So there you have it, Dear Reader.  If you answered yes, no, or 17 perhaps?  to any of the above questions, you are most definitely suffering from Jam Side Down Syndrome BIG TIME!

Quickly!! Put down that toast and jam and call your local pharmaceutical company immediately. . . there’s not a minute to lose . . .oh . .  and please, please try not to get jam all over the phone!

Until next time . . . I love you

 Memoirs of a Dilettante

Also today is the last day to pre-order Helena Hann Basquait’s book, Memoirs of a Dliettante so don’t forget to  pop on over to her site and click on Kickstart!  

The Neck of Polly Petunia Penelope Peck

Polly Petunia Penelope Peck

 

Polly Petunia Penelope Peck

Had a heck of a time with her tubular neck

 

When through the town’s center she’d venture to walk

People whipped on their glasses in order to gawk

 

Her head bobbled and wobbled and tilted unsteady

(Which is par for the course when your neck’s like spaghetti)

 

And when desert winds blew from the south (Santa Anas)

Her neck!  It would bow like Chiquita Bananas!

 

Twas in such a state that she met her man, Nate

(He’s a sucker for woman whose necks oscillate)

 

And married got they — on the fourth of  July

Polly wore shorts and a turtleneck (high)

 

And happy they lived all their lives ever after

With Nate’s head in the clouds and hers in the rafter

* * * 

Until next time . . . I love you