Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about God’s new favorite person, Abram and his journey to Canaan. Gregory couldn’t help imagining what that journey must have been like.
Abram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person
As you will remember from last week’s Tower of Babel lesson, the Lord made it clear that trying to build a tower to reach to heaven was numero uno on the list of boo boos in The Lord’s Big Book of Boo Boos.
So the Lord had no choice but to scatter mankind all over the earth and confuse the language so that if one man said, “please pass the unleavened bread,” the other man would respond by killing two donkeys, marrying his sister and untying all his camels.
Life went on in this confusing way generation after generation. The Lord didn’t really seem to notice anyone in particular until Abram came along. Then the Lord decided Abram was his new favorite person.
The Lord had big plans for Abram which included moving Abram, his wife, Sarai, his animals, all his stuff, his slaves and his nephew, Lot, to the land of Canaan.
And so began their journey:
Lot: Hey Uncle Abram! Did you see that sign back there on the road?
Abram: No what did it say?
Lot: It said, Welcome to Canaan. Sacred Tree of Moreh one mile!
Sarai: Finally, I’m so hungry I could eat a goat.
Abram: Sorry Sarai, the goat is for a sacrifice to the Lord at the Sacred Tree of Morah where I’m going to build an alter.
Sarai: Tell me about it! I didn’t say the goat I said a goat.
Lot: Uh oh, Uncle Abram. It looks like we forgot to bring the alter building supplies.
Abram: Oh nuts! Everybody keep your eyes peeled for an alter supply store.
Abram and Sarai and Lot and all their animals and all their slaves and all their stuff were continuing on their journey to southern Canaan when a famine hit:
Lot: Hey Uncle Abram, I’m starving! When are we stopping for lunch?
Sarai: Oh look, Abram, there’s a Goat Burger King! Can we stop?
Goat Burger King employee: May I take your order?
Abram: Yes we’ll each have a goat burger, an order of figs and a large pottery vessel of water.
Goat Burger King employee: Sorry we’re all out.
Abram: Of goat burgers?
Goat Burger King Employee: Of everything but the water.
Abram: Fine just give us three waters then.
Goat Burger King Employee: We’ll have to charge you for water.
Abram: Why?
Goat Burger King Employee: Because you’re not ordering any food.
Abram: Listen here, young man! Perhaps I forgot to mention that I am the Lord’s favorite person on the planet, right now, and unless you enjoy being smited . . .
Goat Burger King Employee: Three free waters comin’ right up!
After that Abram and all his stuff and his wife and his animals and all his slaves and his nephew, Lot, decided to take a detour to Egypt because there was a famine, and they thought they caught a whiff of baked goods coming from that direction.
Abram: Listen Sarai. You’re a beautiful woman.
Sarai: Tell me about it.
Abram: And, as such, the Egyptian king is going to take one look at you and want to kill me because I’m your husband.
Sarai: Tell me about it.
Abram: So I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind saying you’re my sister. That way I can use my relationship to you to get lots of free stuff from the king.
Sarah: Tell me about it!
So Abram told the King that Sarai was his sister and the king bought it hook, line and sinker and told Sarai that she could not only sleep in the king’s palace but in the king’s master bedroom on the kings master bed right next to the king — if she didn’t snore too loudly which, as luck would have it, she didn’t.
The King was so pleased with Abram’s wife’s not snoring that he gifted Abram with sheep and cattle and goats and donkeys and slaves and camels.
But then the Lord found out about all the not snoring going on with the Egyptian King and Abram’s wife, Sarai, and it made Him so mad, He brought a terrible disease on the King and on the people of his palace so the Egyptian king sent for Abram:
Egyptian King: The Lord is super mad at me because Sarai is your wife, and we’ve been not snoring together all this time thus causing the Lord to bring down a terrible disease upon us! Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?
Abram: Uh . . . you didn’t ask?
Egyptian King: Take all your stuff and your wife and your slaves and the Lot you brought with you, and get out!
Abram: Do I get to keep all the sheep and the cattle and the slaves you gave me?
Egyptian King: Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way!
Abram: I don’t really care, but the Lord was wondering . . .
Egyptian King: Like I said there is absolutely no way! No way you’re not going to take them with you as my lovely parting gift, that is!
So Abram and his wife and his nephew, Lot, and all his stuff, and his slaves and his animals went north out of Egypt.
Lot: Jeepers, we sure made out like bandits in Egypt didn’t we, Uncle Abram?
Abram: You can say that again, right Sarai?
Sarai: Tell me about it!
And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers. Remember to check back next week at this time to see what happens next!
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Are you sure this is a biblical story? Awfully little begatting happening here…
Wait til next week. They really begin to begat big time!
But Goat burgers..
I think even in biblical days, begatting with a goat burger was frowned upon, no matter how tasty it was.
Well then I’ll begat with just a burger, there were cows right?
I believe that sin is punishable by grilling, as is written in Vegans 3:9.
But apparently you haven’t read beeflations 50:100
I concur with El Guapo, no where near enough begatting in this story Linda. Though you did bring in an element of potential smiting and I was pleased with that. The fact there were lies and deception on Abram and his lot was encouraging as i then connected the story to reality and not just a mythical bible story.
I think my dear Linda this has been a prattling good yarn with youthful touches of reality. i hope in years to come you publish the Bible according to Gregory as an alternative to he original which is getting a little dated and in need of a make over as Gregory is doing. If you response is: ‘Tell me about it’ I will know I am on the right track…..
LOL! You are absolutely right. The bible is getting a little dated, Michael! And there really is a lot of humor in the bible, it just needs to be coaxed out! Which is why I’ve made it my personal goal to work my way through the Bible page by page, story by story until it’s completed. We all have to have our goals in life . . . I just hope I live long enough and/or don’t get smited before I’ve reached my goal! 😀
I shall pray you don’t feel any smites coming your way. God has as you would know a great sense of humour, just look around you, I would say your revisions of the bible stories will go down well with him. I would say that he will see the merit in your work and keep you alive another two hundred years to complete your task. You may have to take your food in purée form but people will be hanging out to hear the new version of Abraham sacrificing his son at the burning bush. I can see them with their electronic info devices, fingers poised to receive the latest biblical update.
Hahahaha! Oh I love your vision of a better tomorrow Michael! And maybe we could even roast some hotdogs at the burning bush! That would really put the fun in fundamentalist!
What a great idea Linda I’ll bring the unleavened bread.
Haha! Yay!
No Home Depot nearby? They have an excellent assortment of alter building supplies. Boy, they really were an unfortunate lot weren’t they?
I can’t wait for the upcoming Easter episode. Nails! Death! Resurrection! Peeps!
Oy! Easter is going to be tricky. I’m not sure I’m up to the challenge of teasing out the humor in that one! But I have always thought that it should be Jesus who hides the eggs.
Mmmmm goat burgers…I begat you to get me one
Begatting begun . . .
begood!
bacon (I’m already out of beg-words)
well bacon is good!
It is good. I wish I had a pound of it right now!
I’ll send you one!
*rubbing hands together!*
I always wondered what Abram was thinking there. “She’s not my wife, she’s my sister!” …and Sarah was okay with this? I would think that might be a relationship killer.
Really! Obviously Abram wasn’t the jealous type, but I’ll bet things were never the same with them after that!
A classic Linda! Thanks for sharing!
Regards
Jim
My please Jim. Thank you for coming by. I’m glad you liked it! 😀
My wife/sister doesn’t snore either. Is there a King you’d recommend that she could not-snore next to?
LOL! Well I think Camilla snores . . . so there’s a possibility there — although you’d have to wait for the Queen to expire — and I’m not really sure Camilla snores (she just looks like she does), so . . . it’s a long shot . . .
[…] In last week’s lesson, Abram became the Lord’s new favorite person, and the only thing Abram had to do to maintain his status, as such, was move to Canaan and have a cart-load of kids which in those days were called descendants. […]