Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about God’s new favorite person, Abram and his journey to Canaan. Gregory couldn’t help imagining what that journey must have been like.
As you will remember from last week’s Tower of Babel lesson, the Lord made it clear that trying to build a tower to reach to heaven was numero uno on the list of boo boos in The Lord’s Big Book of Boo Boos.
So the Lord had no choice but to scatter mankind all over the earth and confuse the language so that if one man said, “please pass the unleavened bread,” the other man would respond by killing two donkeys, marrying his sister and untying all his camels.
Life went on in this confusing way generation after generation. The Lord didn’t really seem to notice anyone in particular until Abram came along. Then the Lord decided Abram was his new favorite person.
The Lord had big plans for Abram which included moving Abram, his wife, Sarai, his animals, all his stuff, his slaves and his nephew, Lot, to the land of Canaan.
And so began their journey:
Lot: Hey Uncle Abram! Did you see that sign back there on the road?
Abram: No what did it say?
Lot: It said, Welcome to Canaan. Sacred Tree of Moreh one mile!
Sarai: Finally, I’m so hungry I could eat a goat.
Abram: Sorry Sarai, the goat is for a sacrifice to the Lord at the Sacred Tree of Morah where I’m going to build an alter.
Sarai: Tell me about it! I didn’t say the goat I said a goat.
Lot: Uh oh, Uncle Abram. It looks like we forgot to bring the alter building supplies.
Abram: Oh nuts! Everybody keep your eyes peeled for an alter supply store.
Abram and Sarai and Lot and all their animals and all their slaves and all their stuff were continuing on their journey to southern Canaan when a famine hit:
Lot: Hey Uncle Abram, I’m starving! When are we stopping for lunch?
Sarai: Oh look, Abram, there’s a Goat Burger King! Can we stop?
Goat Burger King employee: May I take your order?
Abram: Yes we’ll each have a goat burger, an order of figs and a large pottery vessel of water.
Goat Burger King employee: Sorry we’re all out.
Abram: Of goat burgers?
Goat Burger King Employee: Of everything but the water.
Abram: Fine just give us three waters then.
Goat Burger King Employee: We’ll have to charge you for water.
Goat Burger King Employee: Because you’re not ordering any food.
Abram: Listen here, young man! Perhaps I forgot to mention that I am the Lord’s favorite person on the planet, right now, and unless you enjoy being smited . . .
Goat Burger King Employee: Three free waters comin’ right up!
After that Abram and all his stuff and his wife and his animals and all his slaves and his nephew, Lot, decided to take a detour to Egypt because there was a famine, and they thought they caught a whiff of baked goods coming from that direction.
Abram: Listen Sarai. You’re a beautiful woman.
Sarai: Tell me about it.
Abram: And, as such, the Egyptian king is going to take one look at you and want to kill me because I’m your husband.
Sarai: Tell me about it.
Abram: So I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind saying you’re my sister. That way I can use my relationship to you to get lots of free stuff from the king.
Sarah: Tell me about it!
So Abram told the King that Sarai was his sister and the king bought it hook, line and sinker and told Sarai that she could not only sleep in the king’s palace but in the king’s master bedroom on the kings master bed right next to the king — if she didn’t snore too loudly which, as luck would have it, she didn’t.
The King was so pleased with Abram’s wife’s not snoring that he gifted Abram with sheep and cattle and goats and donkeys and slaves and camels.
But then the Lord found out about all the not snoring going on with the Egyptian King and Abram’s wife, Sarai, and it made Him so mad, He brought a terrible disease on the King and on the people of his palace so the Egyptian king sent for Abram:
Egyptian King: The Lord is super mad at me because Sarai is your wife, and we’ve been not snoring together all this time thus causing the Lord to bring down a terrible disease upon us! Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?
Abram: Uh . . . you didn’t ask?
Egyptian King: Take all your stuff and your wife and your slaves and the Lot you brought with you, and get out!
Abram: Do I get to keep all the sheep and the cattle and the slaves you gave me?
Egyptian King: Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way!
Abram: I don’t really care, but the Lord was wondering . . .
Egyptian King: Like I said there is absolutely no way! No way you’re not going to take them with you as my lovely parting gift, that is!
So Abram and his wife and his nephew, Lot, and all his stuff, and his slaves and his animals went north out of Egypt.
Lot: Jeepers, we sure made out like bandits in Egypt didn’t we, Uncle Abram?
Abram: You can say that again, right Sarai?
Sarai: Tell me about it!
And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers. Remember to check back next week at this time to see what happens next!
Until next time . . . I love you