Your Coloring Book for Easter

Happy Easter Dear Readers!  Gregory got this Twelve Disciples Coloring book in Sunday School and would like to share it with you!  Gregory says have fun coloring and have a wonderful Easter!

  The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships.  Well this gave Jesus an idea! He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men!  So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples. 

So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited.  He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.

Simon

"Oops! Let me try it again. How about two out of three?"
“Okay, this one’s going right between his beady little eyes.  Oops!  How about two out of three?”

Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus.  He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.

Andrew

Andrew
“Nice to meet ya! Hey, don’t forget to grab a business card before you leave!”

Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six.  Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision.  Plus he had epically big guns!

Bartholomew

"Would you believe I only work out twice a week!"
And I only work out twice a week!”

Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a  bestseller called “The Revelations”.

John

"Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Jesus?'
“Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that Jesus over there?’

Then there was John’s brother, James.  James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle.  James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.

James

"A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?"
“A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?”

Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James.  Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James.  He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.

James the Less

"Hey James the Lesser! Bring us some bread.""Not unless you call me Jimmy."
“Hey James the Less! Bring us some bread.”
“Not unless you call me Jimmy!”

Peter (or maybe Simon)

Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his  immovable faith.  And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all!  Duh!

Peter “The Rock” Simon

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle do know Jesus!"
Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle DO know Jesus!”

Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the  nail prints and two pieces ID.

Thomas

" . . . uh . . . .hmmm. . . uh"
“Well uh . . .hmm!”

Then there was Jude.  Not to be confused with Judas.  Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.

Jude

Jude
“And that’s why the chicken crossed the road? Hahaha! Get out! That’s hilarious!”

One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus.  He was a tax collector and was good with details.  Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”

Matthew

"Can you say that one more time only slower?"
“Can you say that one more time,  Jesus, only slower?”

And finally there was Judas.  Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids.  Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.

Judas

I'll repent just as soon as I'm done spending
I’ll repent the minute I get back from Las Bethlehemgas

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book!  Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!

Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories. 

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday School. Every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about King David.  Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon HumorKing David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Once there was a king named David.  David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot.  Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David  would have used a  yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.

A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that, what with all the slaughterings, and what with all  the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant.  D oy h!

When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark  from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim  in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.

So the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio,  had decided to sell it in their yard sale.

When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.

Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:

King David:  So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?

Mr. Abinadab:  We’re asking 25 goats.

King David:  25 goats?  That seems a little steep.  Does it come with coasters?

Mr. Abinadab:  You don’t need any.  You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark.  I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was heavenly!

King David:  Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take five goats for it?

Mr. Abinadab:  How about twelve goats and a chicken?

King David:  I’ll give you seven goats and  half a chicken . . .

Mr. Abinadab:  It will have to be seven goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.

Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted  and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection inside.

King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons, Ahio andAzzuh, the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.

Mr. Abinadab:  Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that?  They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.

King David:  Ha ha!  Well that’s to be expected.  Don’t tell me!  2 mph  in a 1 mph zone?

Mr. Abinadab: No, 3 mph in a 1 mph zone!

King David:  How is that possible?

Mr. Abinadab:  Tailwind.

As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.

Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark.  His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.

“La la la la la la la uh oh!”
“La la la la la la la what’s wrong?”
“Did you just la la la la la feel that tailwind?”

Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.

“One two three four five six and sacrifice one two three four five six and sacrifice one two . . .”

Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his two one son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenant Fudge was heavenly.

 

“Careful, watch the fudge!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please come by next week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Summer Bible School: Gideon Gets Peeved

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Summer Bible School.  This summer Gregory will be learning all about Gideon.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory has learned about Gideon so far:

One day, shortly after the Israelites got back from the excitement of  battling Canaanites and cutting off the big toes and thumbs of  seventy kings, they were experiencing a lull so, not knowing what else to do with themselves,  they decided to do what they always did when they were bored — sin against the Lord.

So naturally the Lord had no choice but to have the mean, nasty, overweight Midianites rule over the Israelites for seven years (This was way before the Lord thought of timeouts).

The Midianites were bigger and stronger than the Israelites, who were more on the bookish side and who – aside from their large collection of big toes and thumbs, were not really all that aggressive.

So the Israelites spent a lot of time hiding from the Midianites in caves by day and tip toeing around by night planting their crops and tending to their cattle so as not to wake up the Midianites who were light sleepers.

But invariably some poor Israelite would sneeze too loudly and the Midianites would wake up, and come down from the hills on their camels.

The bible says there were so many Midianites that they and their camels couldn’t be counted, but most scholars believe this is simply because they wouldn’t hold still long enough.

Anyway, the Midianites would wreak havoc on the Israelites by trampling their crops, tipping their cows, messing up their hairdos and giving them all robe wedgies.

The Israelites cried out to the Lord, and the Lord,  who was wondering when they were going to cry out, sent them a prophet who came to them with a  message from the Lord.

The first part of the Lord’s message recapped what the Lord’s big accomplishments had been thus far which, of course, included bringing the Israelites out of Egypt, and freeing them from slavery. But the Lord never mentioned the parting of the Red Sea as He wasn’t that big on bragging, but was always secretly hoping someone else would bring that part up.

Then the Messenger of the Lord and Gideon had a conversation that might have sounded something like this but probably didn’t:

Messenger of the Lord:  Say, Gideon, would you mind if I sat down under this tree in Ophrah that belonged to your dad, Joash, from Abiezer’s family?

Gideon:  Sure, but how did you know all that?

MOTL:  I read the tree plaque. What are you doing?

Gideon:  I’m threshing wheat in this wine-press so as to confuse the Midianites.

MOTL:  To confuse them how?

Gideon:  Well, this way The Midianites will think I’m making wine when I’m really making flour.

MOTL:  Won’t they just think you are making wine and want to steal that instead?

Gideon:  What are you?  An attorney?

MOTL:  The Lord is with you, brave man.

Gideon:  Well, no offense but I’m a little peeved.

MOTL:  Peeved?  Peeved howeth?

Gideon:  All these horrible things are happening to us.  The stealing of the crops, the cow tipping, the robe wedgies, having to make flour in a wine-press.  What happened to all the Lord’s miracles everybody is always telling me about?

MOTL:  How would you feel if I told you that you will be rescuing Israel with the strength you have?

Gideon:  Yeah right.  Have you seen my muscles lately?  I can’t even tell you how sore I’m going to be tomorrow when I get done wine-pressing all this wheat.  And you think I’m weak, you should see the rest of my family, we once got beat up by a batch of kittens.

MOTL:  Doesn’t matter. You will defeat the Midianites as if they were only one man.

Gideon:  Okay if you say so.  Listen, I’m going to go fix you a snack.  Can you wait here till I get back?

MOTL:  Who moi?  Absotively!

Thank you, Dear Readers, for coming by Summer Bible School with Gregory!  Please check back next week for more of our lesson.

Until next time . . . I love you

I guess I’ll go fix you a snack.”    “Hot Diggity Doggeth!”

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Eve’s Killer Apple Pie

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how it came about that Eve served Adam the fruit from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory

One day shortly after God created Adam and Eve and left them to their own devices in the Garden of Eden, Eve said to Adam:

“What’s the matter, honey?  Is all the yard work getting you down again?”

“Well, the garden is a beautiful place and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I would have been just as happy with a paradise that didn’t have such a big yard.  All this tilling is aggravating my old rib-cage injury something awful.  Can you get me an ice pack?”

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty again?”

“No  honey.  I’m just stating a fact. Part of me wishes God would have creatd the Condo of Eden instead of the Garden of Eden, that’s all.”

“Well, how about I cook you up your favorite dinner? That will cheer you up.”

“Goat Noodle Casserole?”

“That’s your favorite dinner?  I thought it was goatloaf?”

“Listen honey, no offense but your goatloaf is a little dry. ”

“God liked it.”

“Did He tell you that?”

“No, I could just tell by the way his face lit up like a thousands suns when he ate it.”

“No offense, honey, but that’s pretty much His resting face.”

“Why are you being such a brat?”

“I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to be.  Tell you what.  Why don’t you bake me a nice pie for dessert.”

“Okay!  How about my famous Fig Leaf Pie?”

“Well, honey . . . uh . . .  frankly, your Fig Leaf Pie is only famous because it’s so dry.”

“Did God tell you that?”

“Yes.”

“Well! That makes me not want to invite God over for dinner anymore.”

“Don’t be mad honey.  You know what?  I heard that a fruit called the apple makes a pretty good pie.”

“Who told you that?”

“I don’t remember exactly.  I think it was one of those creeping things that creepeth upon the earth.”

“And it could talk?”

“Non-stop!”

“Okay, well you stay here and rest your side, Adam, and I’ll go out and have a talk with this creeping thing and see if it will show me where the apple tree is.”

“Uh . . Okay but seems to me it wasn’t called an apple tree though.”

“Oh really?  What was it called?”

“The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.”

“That’s unnecessarily long.  I’m just going to call it the apple tree.  If you need me I’ll be out picking apples . . .”

“Okay honey.  Have fun!  Oh and before you go would you mind grabbing me an ice pack on your way out?”

“Yeah sure.”

“. . . and a Bud Light?”

“Yeah sure.”

And that concludes Gregory’s bible stories for this week, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week for the further adventures of all the people in the bible.

Until next time . . . I love you

PIE-FOR-ADAM
Eve’s Killer Apple Pie

Eve’s Killer Apple Pie

8 apples from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil

1/2  bushel goat butter

I beehive honey

2/3 shekel cinnamon

Preheat flames to medium roar

Cook until sunset

Serves:  0 to 3 (depending on dryness)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What

 

 

I, Platypus

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about when God had Adam name all the animals.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregoryI, Platypus

It was the very first Tuesday right after God had created Adam but just before He created Eve. God took some soil from the ground and formed all the animals and all the birds. Then He showed them to Adam.

Adam:  What’s all this?

God:  I just created all these animals and all these birds. Now I’d like you to think of names for each of them.

Adam:  But there’s so many!

God:  Yup, 1,589,361 to be exact.

Adam:  Okay let me get this straight.  You want me to cultivate the Garden of Eden and guard it plus think up 1,589,361 different animal names for all these animals you created? Not only am I only human, God, don’t forget I am the only human!

God:  LOL

Adam:  What does that mean?

God:  It’s an acronym that means laughing out loud.

Adam:  What’s laughing?

God:  Laughing. That’s  hard to explain.  Well here . . .take a look at this animal, it pretty much sums up my sense of humor.

God has a platypus on a leash and hands the leash to Adam.

Adam:  Awesome!  Fur, a bill, webbed feet!

God:  Yeah it’s venomous too which most people don’t know.

Adam:   Most people?

God:  Sorry, I got ahead of myself.  So what would you like to name it, Adam?

Adam:  How about a glerk or a floob?

God: Meh . . .

Adam:    Oh I know!  How about a  tittlefuzzwamper!

God:  Okay I like the direction you’re going in now.

Adam:  Octopus?

God: You’re getting warmer.

Adam:  Snickerdoodle . . .

God:  Keep thinkin’

Adam:  A platypus?

God:  Bingo! Good thinking Adam!

Adam:  This is fun!  What’s the next animal you want me to name?

God:  How about this one?  As you can see, it has two humps on it’s back.

Adam:  What are the humps for?

God:  Looks.

Adam: Okay then, how about a platypus?

God:  You already named the platypus the platypus.

Adam:  Oh yeah . . . well how about flatypus . . .  or . . . . oh I know . . . the  blatypus . . . oh wait . . . natypus!

God:  Sigh . . .

Adam:  What’s the matter, God?

God:  I was just thinking how long this is going to take.

Adam:  What are you complaining about?  You’re the one that’s eternal!  LOL!

God:  Adam! You made a joke!  There’s hope for you yet, young man. Now think of some more names.

Adam: Okay! How about a klatypus?

God: Keep trying.

Adam:  A blatypus then?

God:  No.

Adam:  A quatypus?

God:  Nope.

Adam:  Oh I know . . . platypus!  That’s a good name, platypus! Or did I already use that one already?  Hey what are you doing, God?

God:  Creating a chair . . .

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back next week to find out what happens when Adam finds out all the insects are going to need names too.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Too Many Platypi

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God Circum Sizes Up Abram

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God’s covenant with Abraham.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

God Circum Sizes Up Abram

One biblical day, Abram, who was 99 years young, was sitting in the entrance to his tent, when God appeared to him so Abram bowed down with his face touching the ground.

God:  Good news Abram!  But before I tell you, you want one of my Cheetos?

Abram:  Oh no thanks, they make my fingers orange.

God:  Really?  Anyways, Abram, I appeared because I’ve decided I will make a covenant with you and give you many descendants!

Abram:  Wow!  That’s so cool!  Thanks God. What’s a descendant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to change your name to Abraham.  Because nothing puts the HA! in Abraham like many descendants, if you know what I’m mean?

Abraham:  Not really . . .

God:  And, check it out, AbraHAm.  I’m going to make an everlasting covenant with you and your descendants.  I will be your god and the god of your descendants.  You likee?

Abraham:  Likee?  I Lovee!  But first, refresh my memory.  What’s a covenant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to throw in this lovely land of Canaan in which you now reside even though you are a foreigner.

Abraham:  Gosh!  For reals?

God:  Yup.

Abraham:  Thanks so much God.  I guess I’ll get back to sitting in the entrance to my tent now.

God:  Yes I’m going to give all that to you and your descendents, but first . . .

Abraham:  But first what?

God:  Well, you and your descendants must all agree to get circumcised.

Abraham:  Oh.  Now, what’s a circumcision again?

God:  Sure you don’t want a Cheeto?

Abraham: No thanks . . .  the fingers . . .

God: Oh that’s right.  A circumcision?  Well, hm . . .  well, what’s your schedule like because it’s going to require a really long-winded complicated explanation and I know you wanted to get back to sitting in your tent entrance . . . Plus I’m almost out of Cheetos . . .

Abraham:  Oh that’s okay, God!  Don’t go to all that trouble! I’ll just agree to it.

God: Sweet!

Abraham: Hey where you going?

God: To wash the orange off my fingers.

Abraham:  Love you God!

God:  Love you too Abraham!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, please check back soon to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Abram
“Hey Abraham lookee! This Cheeto looks just like you!

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God created Adam and Eve.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Adam Takes a Wife Please

When Adam lived alone in the garden of Eden, the Lord noticed that Adam wasn’t doing so well.  First of all, the garden was a mess.  There were banana peels and watermelon rinds and half-eaten figs piled everywhere. Even though it was Adam’s job to be the guardian of the garden, he kept forgetting to water the plants and the last time he had actually mowed the lawn was never.

Most of the time all Adam wanted to do was sit in a big pile of leaves and stare straight ahead imagining how much better his life would be if God would create two teams of men who dressed up in cool outfits and tackled each other.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.”

And Adam rubbed his hands together and thought, “Hot Diggity Dog!”

But when God took some soil and started forming animals and birds, Adam’s smile quickly faded.

God:  What’s the matter Adam?  Don’t you like the animals I’m creating?  Lookee this one!  It’s got fur, a bill and webbed feet!  Isn’t it hilarious?

Adam:  Meh . . .

God:  Ah come on, Sport!  Cheer up!  I’m going to let you name them all.

Adam: But I don’t want to name all those stupid animals you’re creating.  That’s just another chore.  I never have any fun.

God:  Uh oh . . . I know a man who got up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.

Adam:  Stop making that joke, Dad, it’s not funny.

God:  Okay, but try taking another look at this animal with the bill and the fur and the webbed feet and just try to keep a straight face!

Later

God:   . . . and so this last one you want to call a Walrus?  How do you want to spell that?  With two r’s?

Adam:  You know what, Dad?  I hate to break it to you, but not one of the birds or animals you created is a suitable companion for me.

God:  What?  Not even the goldfish with their bubbly little smiles?

Adam:  No Dad.

God:  But why not?

Adam:  They can’t talk, they can’t cook, and they wouldn’t know a decorative pillow if their life depended on it.

God:  Oh I see what you’re getting at.  Here swallow this.

Adam:  What is it?

God:  Nyquil.

About an hour later Adam opened his eyes and Eve was standing before him.

God:  Welp.  What do ya think?

Adam:  At last here is one of my own kind.  Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh.  Woman is her name because she is taken out of man. Thanks Dad.

God:  No problem.

Adam:  Oh and Dad?

God:  Yeah?

Adam:  Before you go, how would you feel about creating two teams of men in really cool outfits, an oblong ball made out of pigskin — because I know you just created those pigs– I was thinking maybe it would be fun to watch them try to keep the ball from each other and whatnot.

God:  But while you’re watching them do that what will Eve be doing?

Adam:  Oh I don’t know.  She could be walking  in the garden, making new friends, sampling fruit . . .

God:  That sounds harmless enough.  I’ll do it!

Adam:  Hot diggity dog!

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Eve gives Adam a decorative Pillow
“Here honey, I made this for you.”     “Thanks!  What is it?       “A decorative pillow.”