I, Platypus

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about when God had Adam name all the animals.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregoryI, Platypus

It was the very first Tuesday right after God had created Adam but just before He created Eve. God took some soil from the ground and formed all the animals and all the birds. Then He showed them to Adam.

Adam:  What’s all this?

God:  I just created all these animals and all these birds. Now I’d like you to think of names for each of them.

Adam:  But there’s so many!

God:  Yup, 1,589,361 to be exact.

Adam:  Okay let me get this straight.  You want me to cultivate the Garden of Eden and guard it plus think up 1,589,361 different animal names for all these animals you created? Not only am I only human, God, don’t forget I am the only human!

God:  LOL

Adam:  What does that mean?

God:  It’s an acronym that means laughing out loud.

Adam:  What’s laughing?

God:  Laughing. That’s  hard to explain.  Well here . . .take a look at this animal, it pretty much sums up my sense of humor.

God has a platypus on a leash and hands the leash to Adam.

Adam:  Awesome!  Fur, a bill, webbed feet!

God:  Yeah it’s venomous too which most people don’t know.

Adam:   Most people?

God:  Sorry, I got ahead of myself.  So what would you like to name it, Adam?

Adam:  How about a glerk or a floob?

God: Meh . . .

Adam:    Oh I know!  How about a  tittlefuzzwamper!

God:  Okay I like the direction you’re going in now.

Adam:  Octopus?

God: You’re getting warmer.

Adam:  Snickerdoodle . . .

God:  Keep thinkin’

Adam:  A platypus?

God:  Bingo! Good thinking Adam!

Adam:  This is fun!  What’s the next animal you want me to name?

God:  How about this one?  As you can see, it has two humps on it’s back.

Adam:  What are the humps for?

God:  Looks.

Adam: Okay then, how about a platypus?

God:  You already named the platypus the platypus.

Adam:  Oh yeah . . . well how about flatypus . . .  or . . . . oh I know . . . the  blatypus . . . oh wait . . . natypus!

God:  Sigh . . .

Adam:  What’s the matter, God?

God:  I was just thinking how long this is going to take.

Adam:  What are you complaining about?  You’re the one that’s eternal!  LOL!

God:  Adam! You made a joke!  There’s hope for you yet, young man. Now think of some more names.

Adam: Okay! How about a klatypus?

God: Keep trying.

Adam:  A blatypus then?

God:  No.

Adam:  A quatypus?

God:  Nope.

Adam:  Oh I know . . . platypus!  That’s a good name, platypus! Or did I already use that one already?  Hey what are you doing, God?

God:  Creating a chair . . .

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back next week to find out what happens when Adam finds out all the insects are going to need names too.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Too Many Platypi

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God Circum Sizes Up Abram

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God’s covenant with Abraham.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

God Circum Sizes Up Abram

One biblical day, Abram, who was 99 years young, was sitting in the entrance to his tent, when God appeared to him so Abram bowed down with his face touching the ground.

God:  Good news Abram!  But before I tell you, you want one of my Cheetos?

Abram:  Oh no thanks, they make my fingers orange.

God:  Really?  Anyways, Abram, I appeared because I’ve decided I will make a covenant with you and give you many descendants!

Abram:  Wow!  That’s so cool!  Thanks God. What’s a descendant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to change your name to Abraham.  Because nothing puts the HA! in Abraham like many descendants, if you know what I’m mean?

Abraham:  Not really . . .

God:  And, check it out, AbraHAm.  I’m going to make an everlasting covenant with you and your descendants.  I will be your god and the god of your descendants.  You likee?

Abraham:  Likee?  I Lovee!  But first, refresh my memory.  What’s a covenant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to throw in this lovely land of Canaan in which you now reside even though you are a foreigner.

Abraham:  Gosh!  For reals?

God:  Yup.

Abraham:  Thanks so much God.  I guess I’ll get back to sitting in the entrance to my tent now.

God:  Yes I’m going to give all that to you and your descendents, but first . . .

Abraham:  But first what?

God:  Well, you and your descendants must all agree to get circumcised.

Abraham:  Oh.  Now, what’s a circumcision again?

God:  Sure you don’t want a Cheeto?

Abraham: No thanks . . .  the fingers . . .

God: Oh that’s right.  A circumcision?  Well, hm . . .  well, what’s your schedule like because it’s going to require a really long-winded complicated explanation and I know you wanted to get back to sitting in your tent entrance . . . Plus I’m almost out of Cheetos . . .

Abraham:  Oh that’s okay, God!  Don’t go to all that trouble! I’ll just agree to it.

God: Sweet!

Abraham: Hey where you going?

God: To wash the orange off my fingers.

Abraham:  Love you God!

God:  Love you too Abraham!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, please check back soon to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Abram
“Hey Abraham lookee! This Cheeto looks just like you!

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Barbecued Goat Caper

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how Jonathan and his trusty sidekick got the best of a bunch of Philistines in 1 Samuel 14.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Jonathan and the Barbecued Goat Caper

One day King Saul’s son, Jonathan, was walking around the holy land with his sidekick, Young Man, whose sole job it was to carry Jonathan’s weapons — when Jonathan got the idea to crash the camp of some heathen Philistines.

Jonathan:  Mm . . . do you smell what I smell?

Young Man Whose Sole Job It Was To Carry Jonathan’s Weapons:  Yeah smells like some heathen Philistines are barbecuing some delicious goat!

Jonathan:  Exactamento! I really want to go over there.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Yes but to get over there we will have to cross a pass that has two huge jagged rocks . . .

Jonathan:  Jagged schmagged.  Maybe the Lord will help us.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

Jonathan: All right, then,  we’re going to crawl between the jagged rocks and if the Philistines tell us to wait then we will; but if they tell us to come it will mean the Lord has given us victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW: How do know these things?

Jonathan:  I dunno.

When the heathen Philistines saw Jonathan and his sidekick, YMWSJIWTCJW, crawling through the rocks they said in unison, “Look some Hebrews are coming out of the holes they have been hiding in!  Come on up here, we have something to tell you!”

Jonathan:  Did you hear that, YMWSJIWTCJW?  They have something to tell us. That means the lord has given Israel victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Oh . .

Jonathan:  What wrong?  You sound disappointed.

YMWSJIWTCJW: I was kinda hoping it meant they saved us some barbecued goat.

Jonathan:  Don’t you ever think of anything but your stomach?

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Let me put it this way.  Are you going to eat the rest of your fig?

Jonathan:  Sigh . . go for it.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Thanks!  You want I should kill the Philistines now?

Jonathan:  Uh . . . let me knock them down first.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next!

Until next time . . . I love you

Jonathan's Daring Deed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories. 

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday School. Every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about King David.  Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon HumorKing David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Once there was a king named David.  David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot.  Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David  would have used a  yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.

A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that, what with all the slaughterings, and what with all  the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant.  D oy h!

When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark  from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim  in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.

So the the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio,  had decided to sell it in their yard sale.

When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.

Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:

King David:  So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?

Mr. Abinadab:  We’re asking 25 goats.

King David:  25 goats?  That seems a little steep.  Does it come with coasters?

Mr. Abinadab:  You don’t need any.  You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark.  I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was heavenly!

King David:  Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take five goats for it?

Mr. Abinadab:  How about twelve goats and a chicken?

King David:  I’ll give you seven goats and  half a chicken . . .

Mr. Abinadab:  It will have to be seven goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.

Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted  and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection inside.

King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons, Ahio andAzzuh, the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.

Mr. Abinadab:  Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that?  They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.

King David:  Ha ha!  Well that’s to be expected.  Don’t tell me!  2 mph  in a 1 mph zone?

Mr. Abinadab: No, 3 mph in a 1 mph zone!

King David:  How is that possible?

Mr. Abinadab:  Tailwind.

As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.

Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark.  His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.

“La la la la la la la uh oh!”
“La la la la la la la what’s wrong?”
“Did you just la la la la la feel that tailwind?”

Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.

“One two three four five six and sacrifice one two three four five six and sacrifice one two . . .”

Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his two one son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenant Fudge was heavenly.

 

“Careful, watch the fudge!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please come by next week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Boating Bread-less With Jesus

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day the disciples forgot to bring the bread when they crossed the lake with Jesus. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.

GregoryBoating Bread-less With Jesus

Back in the time of Jesus, before sandwiches were invented, everybody was just crazy about bread.  Eating bread back then was as popular as eating Chicken McNuggets is today.  Only in those days, there was no such thing as dipping sauce or condiments so everyone just had to take big dry bites right out of the loaf.

Whenever there was a potluck at the temple, everybody just brought bread or bread salad.  Sometimes John the Baptist would show up with his specialty, bread smeared with honey and locusts.  But nobody ever took any unless he was standing right there watching them.  Then they would politely take a small piece and carefully nibble on only the parts of bread that didn’t have any honey and locusts touching it.

A few people would bring baskets of fish or fishes as they called fish in those days.  People would reach into the basket of fishes and scoop up a handful and eat them like we would eat a handful of mixed nuts today. People loved eating fishes whole almost as much as they loved taking big dry bites right out of the loaf.

Sometimes at these potlucks, some Pharisees and some Sadducees would show up.  These were two biblical gangs who roamed the Holy Land on their Harleys. (Part of the gang initiation was you had to change the name of your donkey to Harley.)

One day Jesus and his disciples were crossing to the other side of the lake (crossing the lake was one of the biggest past times in biblical days) where some Pharisees and Sadducees were hanging out on their Harleys, when the disciples made an unhappy discovery.

Matthew:  John.  Where’s the bread?

John:  What bread?

Matthew:  You were supposed to bring the bread with.

John:  Nuh uh.  Mark said he was going to bring the bread.

Mark:  No.  I said I was bringing the fishes.

Luke:  I’ll take some fishes.  I’m starving.

Mark:  I already ate them all.

Luke:  Pig!

Mark:  Sorry I ate the pig too.

When Jesus found out the disciples forgot the bread he said:

“Take care: be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.

The disciples discussed this statement among themselves:

 Mark:  Jesus is saying this because we didn’t bring any bread.

Luke:  I’m so hungry I’d even eat a honey and locust sandwich.

Matthew:  John, I could have sworn I specifically told you to bring the bread . . .

Then Jesus said:

“Why are you discussing among yourselves about not having any bread?”

Some biblical scholars say Jesus wanted to add, “Hello!  Disciples!  Why are you talking about me like I’m not standing right here.” but concluded Jesus didn’t say that because He would have been way too polite.

Then Jesus said:

“Don’t you remember when I broke the five loaves for the five thousand men? How many baskets did you fill?

John:  Uh . . . I forgot my abacus at home, sorry . . .

Jesus:  And what about the seven loaves for the four thousand men?  How many baskets did you fill?

John:  Uh . . . let’s see . . . it’s on the tip of my tongue . . .

Jesus:  How about you, Mark, you have your hand up.  Do you know?

Mark:  No I was just scratching my head.

Jesus:  How is it that you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread?

Luke:  Uh . . . because we’re not real bright?

Jesus:  Guard yourselves from the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees!

Then the disciples realized that Jesus wasn’t talking about actual yeast but was warning them about the teachings of the Pharisees and the Sadducees.

And the twelve stomaches of the twelve disciples growled all the way home.

Jesus crossing the lake

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned how God decided to destroy all living things on earth . . . again — that is until he got sidetracked.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

At one point, deep inside the bible, the Lord was getting jealouser and jealouser because he was losing a lot of his worshipers to other gods.  Some worshipers were totally into worshiping a god named Baal (Baaleibers). While others camped out on the roof all day worshiping the sun (and getting a heck of a tan in the process) while still others were putting their prayer hands together for an obscure god named Milcom.

It just so happens that during this period of turmoil, the prophet, Zephaniah, was God’s go-to prophet.  One day while Zephaniah was busy staring at his goat, the Lord spoke:

The Lord:  Zephaniah!   I am going to destroy everything on earth, all human beings and animals, birds and fish and I will bring about the downfall of the wicked.  I will destroy all mankind and no survivors will be left, I, the Lord, have spoken, Zephaniah!  Are you listening?

Zephaniah:  Yeah sure.  I’m listening.

The Lord:  Then take your eyes off your goat and look at Me!

Zephaniah:  I would but I can’t see You,  I can only hear You.

The Lord:  Well at least have the courtesy of looking in the direction you think My voice is coming from.

Zephaniah:  But it’s coming from inside my head.

The Lord:  In that case go ahead and stare at your goat.

Zephaniah:  Thanks!

The Lord:  Now where was I?

Zephaniah:  You were saying how you were going to destroy everyone and everything on earth.

The Lord:  Ah yes . . .

Zephaniah:  So what are you going to do create another flood or something?

The Lord:  No, that would make Me miss Noah too much.  I don’t usually play favorites, but if Noah were here now I’d give him such an Almighty Noogie.

Zephaniah: Where is Noah now?

The Lord:  Who knows?

Zephaniah:  You mean he’s not in heaven?

The Lord:  Ha ha ha! Just messin’ with your head, kid. You’ll get used to it the way Moses did.  Remind me to tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses back in Exodus 4:24-26.

Zephaniah:  But why?

The Lord:  I don’t remember.  I think maybe I had low-blood sugar or something. But don’t worry, I”m not going to try to kill you, Zephaniah . . . much . . . Ha ha ha!

Zephaniah:  You’re kidding, right?

The Lord:  Sort of.

Zephaniah:  So what did you want me to tell the people?  That you are going to destroy the world?

The Lord: Basically I’m going to punish everyone who worships the wrong god,  it will be a day of fury, a day of trouble and distress. But I will spare all the humble and lowly people and at the end of their ordeal and they will sing “A Song of Joy” that tries to rhyme “Israel” with “Jerusalem” but nobody will object because they are too humble and lowly.

Zephaniah:  Sounds good. Can I go now?

The Lord:  No. I have a lot more describing to do about how I’m going to punish and destroy and slaughter evil people for being so evil, but I’m getting hungry for lunch.

Zephaniah:  I need to go to the market, but I’ll see if I can scrounge up something up for You.

The Lord:  Okay don’t go to too much trouble. I’m not picky.  You can just throw a quart of olive oil and some unleavened bread on the alter,  and maybe a ram or two . . . Do you have any donkey radish?

Zephaniah:  No sorry.

The Lord:  How about just a donkey then?

Zephaniah:  Fresh out of donkeys.  Let’s see here . . . hmm . . . looks like I only have four pigeons left . . .

The Lord:  Great I’ll have those.

Zephaniah:  Okay . . . oops . . .  nevermind . . . they’re  molt-y.

The Lord:  Okay just give me that goat your staring at.

Zephaniah:  But if I give you the goat I’m staring at what will I stare at?

The Lord:  Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses?

Zephaniah:  One goat comin’ right up!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, the day God was going to destroy the world, but luckily got sidetracked! Check back every Sunday to find out what new story Gregory will learn in Sunday school.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Baal Baby Sacrificingt
“Thanks, but if you don’t have any donkey radish to go with, forget it.”

 

when bad things happen to good moses's

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God’s Workaholism

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.  

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about Ezekiel’s unusual experience with the Lord and how he comes to the conclusion that God is working way too hard. Let’s listen in, shall we?

God’s Workaholism

One beautiful morning while Ezekiel was enjoying his breakfast of goat hotcakes on the roof of his holy-land hovel and admiring the view of the village shrub, he heard a familiar voice calling to him.

God:  Good Morning Mortal Man!   Are you ready to judge the city that is full of murderers?

Ezekiel:  Again already?  Didn’t you just punish and kill a bunch of sinners by starving everyone and making parents eat their children and children eat their parents and whatnot?

God:  Yes but God’s work is never done. You should see my in-box, Mortal Man.  I want you to help me punish some more sinners because your father was an Amorite, your mother was a Hittite and you were born in Canaan which makes you a Hiccup.

Ezekiel:  No it doesn’t.

God:  Yeah but it would be so cool if it did — so let’s just say it does.

Ezekiel:  Okay, so which city of murderers are you going to punish this time? By the way, don’t you have any vacation time coming up?

God:  Mortal Man!  I want you to announce what I am saying to the Ammonites who are insulting Israel. I was up til 3 a.m. writing a limerick about it. Tell me what you think.

“A sword is ready to destroy  It is polished to kill to flash like lightning.”

Ezekiel:  No offense, but it doesn’t rhyme very well.

God:  Well it does in the language I wrote it in.

Ezekiel:  What language was that?

God:   Uh . . . I’ll tell you later, but first I want to punish Jerusalem because they have no respect for the holy places, they eat sacrifices that are offered to idols, they sleep with their father’s wives, they seduce their daughter-in-law or their half sisters, etc., etc., etc.

Ezekiel:  Why didn’t you include all those sins in your limerick?

God:  And throw off the perfect pentameter?  Are you out of your mind?

God then began to symbolically explain to Ezekiel, due to his being a Hiccup and all, what happened after he was born.

God:  When you were born no one cut your umbilical cord and you were thrown into an open field.

Ezekiel:  Wow! That must have been one long umbilical cord!

God:  Listen up. I’m serious.

Ezekiel:  Sorry go ahead.

God:  I passed by and saw you squirming in  your own blood but I wouldn’t let you die.  You grew strong and tall and became a young woman.

Ezekiel:  Uh, you know, Lord, I think you’ve been working a little too hard.  Some time off from punishing sinners might do you a world of good. Because I don’t know if you’re just overworked or what, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a guy.

God:  No, I know you’re a guy. This is a symbolic story about you because your mother was a Hittite and your father was an Amorite and you are from Caanan which makes you a Hiccup.

Ezekiel:  I don’t get it.  Why do I have to be a woman in the story?

God:  I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about Jerusalem!  It’s a symbolic story!

Ezekiel:  Oh good then I’m still a guy!

God:  Of course you are!  Anyway then I passed by again and saw that the time had come for you to fall in love.  I covered your naked body with my coat and promised to love you. I dressed you in embroidered gowns and gave you shoes and a linen headband and–

Ezekiel:  Uh I hate to interrupt your story, Lord, but my goat hotcakes are getting cold.

God:  Oh sorry.  Well listen. I’ll come back later and tell you another symbolic story about how Jerusalem is a prostitute.

Ezekiel:  Well I don’t think I’m going to be home later.

God:  Well, when do you think you will  be home?

Ezekiel:  Uh . . . I’ll call you.

God:  Okay.  Call me anytime!  I’ll be up late working anyways!  I’ll keep my phone with!!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love youEzekiel in Gregory's Bible Stories