humorous bible stories

Holy Rollers! Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how Abraham got a surprise visit from three men with some unbelievable news concerning his wife, Sarah. This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 18: 1-15 if you would like to loosely follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesHoly Rollers!  Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

One hot biblical afternoon in the Sacred Trees of Mamre, Abraham was sitting in the entrance of his tent trying to get cool. The air-conditioning (hand-cranked) was on the blitz due to the fact that all his hand-cranking slaves were out sick with carpal tunnel syndrome.

Abraham was just sitting there relaxing, unraveling some stray threads on his robe when he looked up and saw three men standing nearby.  When Abraham saw them. he ran out to greet them and bowed to the ground.

Abraham could tell just by looking at them that they were pretty special.  (Some biblical scholars believe Abraham could tell the three men were special because they were all wearing robes that had God Squad printed in big Hebrew letters on the backs while other biblical scholars believe some biblical scholars are full of it.)

The conversation that followed might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Well hello there fellows!  It is me, Abraham, you’re humble servant.  Take a load off under that tree over there, while  I’ll run to fetch some water to wash your feet.  Not that they need it, or anything.

Three men:  Sounds good.

Abraham:  Oh and I’ll also bring you some food so that you may refresh yourselves.

Three men:  We sure could use some lawn chairs while you’re at it.

Abraham: Tell me about it!  Unfortunately my lawn-chair-weaver slaves are out sick with osteoarthritis.

Three men:  Very well,  just get us some food and wash our feet then.

Abraham:  I’m on it!

Abraham ran back to the tent to tell his wife, Sarah, about the three visitors.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Sarah, quick!  Get out the best flour and bake some bread, get all these tent pillows picked up, this place is a sty! And, you, slaves with the carpal tunnel syndrome! Look alive!

Sarah:  What’s going on?

Abraham: We’ve got important visitors.  Oh, for heavens sakes, Sarah, why are you still wearing  curlers in your hair when it’s eleven o’clock in the morning?

Sarah:  Can I help it if my curler-unfurling-slaves are all out sick with–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me.  Carpal tunnel syndrome?

Sarah:  No I think it’s tendonitis.

Abraham hurried out into his herd of cattle and picked out a calf that was tender and fat and handed it over to his barbecuing slave.

Abraham:  Here you go barbecuing slave.  Take this calf and cook it for the visitors. Make it medium rare and don’t forget to baste it.

Cooking Slave:  I can make it medium rare, but I won’t be able to baste it as I’m having a little trouble with my–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me. Tendonitis?

Cooking Slave:  No I think it’s Repetitive Strain Injury.

When everything was ready Abraham scurried out to the visitors.  He took them some meat, some cream and some milk and set the food before the men. He served them himself and they ate, and then they asked Abraham:

Three men:  Where’s your wife, Sarah?

Abraham:  She’s in the tent, she’s having a having a bad hair day.

One man who later turned out to be the Lord said:   Nine months from now I will come back and your wife Sarah will have a son.

When Sarah overheard this revelation from inside the tent, she laughed to herself because not only  was she too old to have a baby,  Abraham was 99, and Viagra hadn’t even been invented yet.  

The Lord:   Why does Sarah think she can’t have a baby?  I just heard her laughing to herself inside the tent. Is there anything too hard for the Lord?  As I said, nine months from now I will return  and Sarah will have a son.

Sarah:  I didn’t laugh, Lord.

The Lord:  Oh yes you did, Sarah!  I heard you!

Sarah:  What?  No, that’s the sound I always make when I have to yank out my own curlers.  It’s more of yelp than a laugh.

The Lord:  I know laughing when I hear it, and you were laughing.

Sarah:  No I wasn’t!

The Lord:  Yes you were!

Abraham:  Hey you two! What difference does it make?  It’s not like thousands of years from now people will be reading in the bible about whether or not the Lord overheard Sarah laughing . . . .

The Lord:  Well I suppose you’re right.

Abraham:  That’s the spirit! Now, who wants another foot washing — raise your hand!

The Lord:  I’ll take another one.

Abraham:  Great!  Listen would you mind if Sarah washed your feet instead of me.  All this foot washing is giving me–

The Lord:  Repetitive Strain Injury?.

Abraham:  No I think it’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when Abraham tries to think of something positive to say to say to the Lord about Sodom.

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Lord accuses Sarah of Laughing at him
The Lord, Sarah and Abraham

 

 

Gregory’s Vaction Bible School: Jesus Gets Baptized

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Today Gregory is telling the class about the time Jesus got baptized. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Jesus Gets Baptized

Before Jesus came along, John the Baptist was the official spokesperson for the Lord.

John the Baptist was a cousin of Jesus, but he was from the side of the family who were a little different.  John the Baptist’s favorite outfit was a romper made of camel’s hair and a wide leather belt, and he ate nothing but locusts and honey.  (He had the Jesus family sweet tooth though!)

John the Baptist had a little baptizing enterprise on the Jordan River.  One day Jesus came to him to be baptized.

Here’s what scholars believe the conversation might have gone like:

John the Baptist:  Jesus! Cousin!  Nice to see you again.  I was just having my lunch.  Would you care for a locust sandwich?  There’s plenty.

Jesus:  Uh . . . no thank you I’ve already eaten lunch.  I stopped at Saul’s All You Can Eat House of Figs on the way here.  I’m stuffed!

John the Baptist:  Well how about some dessert then?  I’ve got honey . . .

Jesus:  Sure, but first I was wondering if I could get you to baptize me?

John the Baptist:  What?  No!  Me baptize you?  NO!  Get out!  You should be baptizing ME!

Jesus:  No!  You should be baptizing me.

John the Baptist:  No you!

Jesus:  No you!

John the Baptist:  No you!

Jesus:  No you!

John the Baptist:  Okay okay, you win cousin Jesus!  Just let me finish my sandwich first.

"That's not honey is it John?" "Ha ha! No but I love your sense of humor, cousin! "
“That’s not honey is it John?”
“Ha ha! No but I love your sense of humor, cousin! “

Well, John the Baptist must have done an extra good job at baptizing Jesus because as soon as Jesus came out of the water, the Heavens opened up and the Spirit of God came down like a dove and landed on Jesus and then a voice said, “This is my own dear Son, with whom I am pleased,”  which didn’t normally happen — if ever.

Right after that, The Dove lead Jesus into the desert to be tempted by the Devil.  After 40 days and nights without food, Jesus was so hungry he wished he would have taken John the Baptist up on that honey and locust sandwich.

Just about the time The Dove was starting to look pretty darned delicious, the Devil showed up.

“If you are God’s son, order these stones to turn into bread.”

To which Jesus replied that man cannot live on bread alone but needs every word that God speaks.  (Plus Jesus didn’t really care that much for bread that was made from magically transformed stones.  He always though they had a funny after taste.)

"Turn these stones into bread!""You mean Including the one I'm sitting on?"
“Turn these stones into bread!”
“You mean up to and including the one I’m sitting on?”

But the devil had another trick up his red leotard 

He whisked Jesus to the top of a temple in Jerusalem and told Jesus that if he threw himself off and the angels caught him, the devil would give him the deed to the world — all Jesus had to do was get down on his knees and worship him.

Hello?  Could you be anymore obvious?  Scholars believe Jesus might have thought just before blurting out, “Go away, Satan!

So the devil went to crawl back underneath the rock he had crawled out from under, but, by then, they were all loaves of bread.

And there you have it, Dear Reader, this week’s installment of the Bible According to Gregory.

Jesus composing himself after seeing what John the Baptist was wearing.
Jesus composing himself after seeing John the Baptist in his camel-hair romper.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

The Bible According to Gregory, John the Baptist Linda Vernon Humor

Gregory’s Bible Stories: What God Hath Whittled

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory couldn’t wait to get home to tell everyone about what he learned about the Garden of Eden.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesWhat God Hath Whittled

When last we left God, He had just finished making Adam out of dirt.  Adam turned out great, much better than the dust bunnies God had made the previous day — which even He had to admit didn’t resemble bunnies that much.

dust bunnie or unicorn duck
“Hm . . . maybe I should call them Unicorn Ducks instead.

Then God put Adam in the Garden of Eden that God had just planted all by Himself.  He tried to elicit Adam’s help, but Adam was horrible at taking initiative. God wanted to fire Adam and replace him with someone more competent but He came to this conclusion only after He had used the last of the dirt for potting soil.

After watching Adam live in the Garden of Eden ad nasuem, it soon became apparent to God that Adam was a bit of a mess cat. It wasn’t long before Adam had overrun the pond with dirty dishes, strewn banana peels everywhere and overflowed the laundry hamper with dirty fig leafs.

Then the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to live alone.  I will make a suitable companion to help him.”  To which Adam replied, “Hallelujah!”

So God made a quick trip to the Soil-Eleven and got some more dirt and formed all the animals and birds.  Then He brought them to Adam to see what Adam would name them.  Biblical Scholars believe the conversation might have gone something like this:

God:  So, Adam, what do you want to name this really cool animal thingie I just made that has a tail like a beaver, a bill like a duck, webbed feet and this really cool spiky-thing in the back that has poison in it?

Adam:  Kitty.

God:  Kitty.  Really?  That’s it. Kitty?

Adam:  Kittypus?

God:  That’s the best you can come up with?

Adam:  Don’t you like Kittypus?

God:  Not really.

Adam:  Is it made out of  dirt?

God:  Actually I made this one out of Playdough.

Adam:  How about Playdough Pus?

God: Okay, but only if you’re sure it won’t get mangled in the translation thousands of years from now.

Adam:  I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life — except that I hate the taste of apples.

When God realized that none of the animals was going to be a suitable companion to help Adam, He decided using dirt as a construction material just wasn’t cutting it.

But hey! Speaking of cutting it . . . –why not cut a bone out of Adam and use it to make his companion? (This was way before baling wire had been invented.)

The Lord posed this question to Himself out loud but quietly so Adam wouldn’t hear Him. But Adam did hear and tried to run away by running  around and around the Tree of Knowledge.

God tried explaining to Adam that it wasn’t going to do any good to run away because the question was rhetorical, but Adam didn’t know what rhetorical meant as, up to that point, anyway, he couldn’t stand the taste apples.

Finally, God stuck His Almighty Foot out and tripped Adam and Adam fell down into a deep sleep.  Then God thought, what bone can I take out of Adam that he won’t miss?

Then God snapped His almighty Fingers. He would take out Adam’s middle ear bone, the stirrup.  But when God went to take it out, He saw that Adam had broken it when he fell — so God had to put a cast on it instead.

Then God remembered how much fun it had been making Adam’s ribs.  All He had to do was put the mud in His hands, close His fist and Voila!  All you can eat ribs!

So the Lord God decided to use Adam’s rib to make a companion for Adam. He figured Adam would never know the difference anyway, because as much as God was loath to admit it, it was beginning to look like the Tree of Knowledge was kind of a lost cause on Adam.

So God pulled out one of Adam’s ribs and began whittling away everything that wasn’t a woman . . .

Well that’s all Gregory had time for today, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week to find out what exactly it is that God hath whittled.

Until next time . . . I love you

Just us Playdough Pusses

God Removing Adam's Rib Coloring Page
God Removing Adam’s Rib Coloring Page

 

The Bible According to Gregory: Satan Tests Job

Linda Vernon Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon HumorSatan Tests Job

Job was a biblical character who lived in the holy land of Uz  believed by scholars to have been located somewhere over the rainbow — providing there had there ever been enough moisture in the holy land to form a rainbow.

Job was always extremely careful when it came to ticking off the Lord. So much so that when any of his kids thew a party, Job would spend the next morning making sacrifices to the Lord just in case one of his kids might have inadvertently insulted the Lord after one too many fig wine coolers.

Cut to the Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room where The Lord was having a meeting with various heavenly beings one of which was Satan himself:

The Lord:   Did everybody get their handouts on Sacrificing Do’s and Don’t’s and does anybody have any questions?  Yes, the heavenly being with the horns and the name tag that says Santa.  What’s you question, Santa?

Satan: Yeah, my name’s not Santa, by the way, it’s Satan, that’s a typo I caused to happen. Bwahaha!

The Lord:  I don’t get it, what do you mean by typo?

Satan:  It’s a . . .  oh never mind.

The Lord: So what have you been up to, Satan?

Satan:  Oh you know, walking here and there, roaming around the earth and holding Idle Hands Workshops for the aristocrats, the usual.

The Lord:  Well that’s just super! Say, did you happen to notice my servant, Job, he’s like the best worshiper I’ve ever had! He never does anything evil!

Satan: Yeah, that’s because he’s got 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 1,000 head of cattle, 500 donkeys and lord only knows how many cats.

The Lord:  That’s not true.  I have no idea how many cats he has.

Satan:  Bwahaha!  There you go again with your sense of humor!

The Lord:  My sense of what?

Satan:  Never mind. Say, I’m just wondering . . . what about testing Job to see if he would still be such a Goodie-Two-Shoes if his life suddenly became a living hell. I could help you out with that.

The Lord:  Well . . . . .

Satan:  Ah come on!

The Lord:  Well I guess, but only if you promise not to hurt Job. You know how hard it is nowadays to find a good Job.

Satan:  Bwahaha!  You crack me up!

The Lord:  Am I to understand that is your awkwardly worded request stating your desire to be cracked up?

Satan:  Say will you look at that! It’s half-past eternity already.  Where does the time go?  I gotta skedaddle.  See ya around, Lord.

Sometime shortly thereafter the following events took place:

Job’s children were having a feast at the home of his oldest son when a servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing:

Servant:  We were plowing the fields and got attacked! All your donkeys were stolen and all your servants were killed!

Job:  But they didn’t kill you?

Servant:  Yeah . . . (still huffing and puffing) . . . except for me.

Job:  Oh great you’re the only slave I have left?  And you’re not even in that good of shape.

Then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.

Servant: Lightening just struck all the sheep and shepherds and everyone was killed but me.

Job:  Hmm .  . . I’m starting to sense a pattern here.

Just then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.

Servant:  Your children were having a feast at the home of your oldest son when a storm swept in and blew the house down and killed them all.

Job:  Except for you . .

Servant:  Yeah, how’d you know?

Job:  Lucky guess.

After that Job tore his clothes in grief and shaved his head which was the standard biblical procedure when someone a) broke a new pottery water-carrying vessel  b) misplaced their dreidel or c) had all their children and animals slaughtered by Satan.

This is about the time the Lord turned on his Heavenly Conference Room hidden earth video camera and observed Job when he said, “I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing.  The Lord gave, and now he has taken away.  May his name be praised!

In spite of everything that had happened, Job did not sin by blaming The Lord.

It’s a good thing too since Job had nothing left to kill.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week, come back next week at this same to so see what new bible lesson Gregory learned about!

The Lord's Heavenly Conference Room
The Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Paul Sails for Rome

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Today Gregory was throwing spit wads so the teacher made him get up in front of the class and tell the story of the time Paul sailed to Rome.

Let’s listen in shall we?

Paul Sails for Rome

Today, our story begins just after the Apostle Paul has been released from prison in the town of Caesarea (home of the Caesarea Salad) after a little misunderstanding between Paul and some Asian Jews or perhaps they were Jewish Asians (Some scholars believe that was the crux of the misunderstanding right there).

Anyway, Julius, a Roman Centurion, and possibly founder of  Orange Julius, was to guard Paul while they sailed to Rome where Paul was to stand trial.  Julius was kind to Paul and let him drink all the Orange Julius he wanted on their voyage.

But as biblical sailing luck would have it, there soon arose a terrible storm.  So in keeping with biblical navigational law, everyone agreed that this would be a perfect time to set sail out onto the open sea, while at the same time double-checking that all the lifeboats were left safely on shore.

Paul tried to talk them all out of it, but they failed to heed his advice — even though Paul’s info came from his special ability to accurately predict weather conditions due to his apostle status with “The Big Cheese and The Little Cheese who were one in the same Cheese.”

The next thing you know, an extraordinarily strong wind kicked up — known as the North-Easter Wind — which was much worse than it sounded.

It just kept blowing and blowing and blowing so that by the next day everybody starting throwing cargo and/or up overboard. Julius even had to dump his oranges.

Bible According to Gregory Apostle Paul
“No Paul!  Not my oranges!”
“Hey listen, I just threw an entire case of Cesearea Salad Dressing overboard, we all have to make sacrifices, Julius.”

But that didn’t help, so they decided to throw the ship’s cutting-edge, navigational devices overboard, which, in those days, consisted of an anchor, a sun-dial and a magical goat purported to know right from left.

Finally, they  gave up and lowered the sail and let the ship be carried off by the wind, and that’s when Paul decided it would be the perfect time to get up and make a speech starting with “I hate to say I told you so but . . . ”

Before anyone could get close enough to wring Paul’s neck, he quickly explained that he had been visited by an angel of The Big Cheese who said they would lose the ship but not their lives.

After that, Paul insisted everyone have a nice meal together, which they did, except for Julius who was still pouting about his oranges.  Then they threw the rest of the wheat overboard just for kicks and giggles.

Shortly thereafter,  they spotted the shoreline of Malta, the ship broke apart, and everybody swam or kick floated to shore, and they all celebrated with the Maltan natives by partaking in a three-day fire, the biblical equivalent of a Luau.

While Paul was collecting firewood, a snake bit his hand and everyone took time out from the festivities to watch Paul die.  But not only did he not die, he felt so good he went ahead and healed everyone on the island of dysentery. (They even changed the name of the Island of Malta to the Island of Dysentery but changed it back when tourism started dropping off.)

Paul did make it a point, however,  not to drink any of the water after that.

And there you have it! This week’s edition of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Be sure and check back next week for more biblical adventures.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what the Lord planned to do to Egypt if the Egyptian Pharaoh refused to free the slaves.  Let’s listen in as he tells us about it.

The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

After Aaron and Moses’s  presentation to the Pharaoh — Bringing Down Your Overhead Costs by Replacing Slave Labor with Levers and Pulleys —  had completely fallen flat as far as freeing the slaves was concerned, it was time for Aaron and Moses to make the pharaoh an offer he couldn’t refuse.

It was time to pull out all the stops by utilizing:  The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters.

The next morning at the Cheops Holiday Inn Express breakfast bar:

Aaron:  I’m going back for more figs, you want anything else, Moses?

Moses:  Yeah, toast me some more unleavened bread will ya?

Aaron:  I don’t think we have time.  Their unleavened bread torch takes forever, and we’ll be late for our appointment with the pharaoh.  There’s still plenty of millet though.

Moses: There always is . . . just bring me some more goat bacon.

Later on the banks of the Nile:

Moses:  Well, hello Pharaoh!  Hi there priests! Thank you so much for meeting us down here on the banks of the Nile.  I realize it’s rather unorthodox, but we have a little demonstration for you.  Observe!

Moses opens The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters and pulls out a walking stick then waves it over the Nile river turning it into blood.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.

Moses:  Well you don’t seem very impressed — you’re stifling a yawn.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  I didn’t sleep very good last night.

Aaron:  Me neither. No offense, Pharaoh, but those wooden pillows you guys use are super uncomfortable.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  What other disasters you got in the box, Moses?

Moses opens the box again and millions of frogs jumped out.

Moses:  And these frogs are going to get into everything.  Your baking pans, your ovens,  you beds, your little skirts . . . .

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Big Hairy Deal.  What else you got in the box?

Moses:  Okaaaay . . . um . . . lets see here . . . how do you feel about gnats?  Really mean gnats!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.   You’re kidding right?

Moses:  Okay, maybe not gnats.   But flies!  What about flies!!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  You’re threatening me with flies?  Seriously?

Moses:  Uh . . . oh!  Here’s something . . . how about a disease to kill all your animals!! Bwahahaha!

Pharaoh:   Uh huh.  I’ve never been big on animals. What else?

Moses:  Boils?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Everybody’s already got boils.

Moses:  Okay how about hail then?  Hail that will hit the boils and sting!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh. Whoopty friggin’ doo.   What else?

Moses: How do you feel about locusts and being in darkness 24/7?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Actually, I enjoy both.  Is that it?

Moses:  There’s just one last thing.  A little something the Lord likes to call Passover wherein all the first-born sons will be killed and whatnot.  It’s a little more complicated to explain and, frankly, I’d really like to break for lunch.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Okay, well if it’s as lame as the rest of The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters, I’m totally unfazed, and  I’m not letting the slaves go anytime soon and that’s all there is to it.

With that, the pharaoh and his priests walked back to the pyramid.  Aaron and Moses could hear them laughing  and making jokes about how many gnats it would take to free the slaves.

Moses:  Come on Aaron.  Let’s go tell the Lord to put plan Passover into action.

Aaron:  Okay, but can we stay at a different hotel tonight?  Somewhere where they don’t have wooden pillows?

Moses:  What? And miss out on the complimentary breakfast bar?  Are you out of your mind Aaron?

Horus the egyptian god

Pigeons

The Bible According to Gregory: Jeff and the Ammonia-ites

Linda Vernon Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesJeff and the Ammonia-ites

One day in the biblical land of unpronounceable names, there lived a man named Jephthah but let’s just call him Jeff.  Jeff had been shunned by his entire family and had to live in the land of Tob, a land which was considered inferior because it was so easy to pronounce.

But Jeff had a gift for slicing and dicing his fellow-man (or enemies as they were called in those days just as they are today) so naturally when the Israelites were having some problems with the strong-smelling Ammonites (pronounced Ammonia-ites) they followed the trail of blood to Jeff’s house and asked him to be the captain of their armies to kill the Ammonia-ites because the odor wafting from them was giving them all tension headaches. (This is way before migraines were invented.)

Jeff  Makes a Really Dumb Vow

So Jeff  said sure but only under one condition. He would make a vow to the Lord that when he successfully returned from slaughtering the Ammonia-ites, the first person to come out of Jeff’s house to welcome him home would be burned alive as a sacrifice to the Lord.

Then Jeff went into battle with the Ammonia-ites and the Lord made sure Jeff won because the smell was giving Him tension headaches too.

Let the Smoting begin!

After smoting everybody and their goat — up one side and down the other, Jeff was totally smoted out and returned to his house in Mizpah Estates a new housing development in Tob.

Well, the door flies open and out runs his darling little daughter joyfully playing her little timbre which was an instrument exactly like a modern-day tambourine only spelled more stupidly.

Oh Drat the Lucketh!

Jeff was totally broken-hearted when he saw his daughter run out of the house first.  He was so hoping it would have been his mother-in-law. Jeff's daughter problem

Jeff has a heart to heart with his beloved daughter, Whatshername

But because Jeff was a man of valor, he sat down with his daughter and pulled out his standard-issued  “So Your Father Is Going To Sacrifice You To The Lord” scroll, and they had a nice long, father-daughter chat about her upcoming demise.

Jeff began by telling his daughter the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears only in Jeff’s version  — instead of Goldilocks running away and never being seen or heard of  again, Goldilocks’ Dad burns her alive as a sacrifice to the Lord.

Okay, Daddy, sure, when you put it like that . . . 

After that, Jeff’s daughter was totally on-board with the sacrifice thingy. She asked her father if it would be okay if she went on a two-month slumber party first with her girlfriends in the mountains so they could eat smores and weep over her lost youth and lift each other up with just one of their fingers and mourn for the children who would never be hers and roast marshmallows and grieve that she must die a virgin and take turns telling ghost stories.

Phew!

Jeff agreed immediately.   He was  hugely relieved that his daughter was taking the sacrifice thingy so well and promised to buy her some really cute pajama robes to take with her!

The Actual Sacrifice Thingy

Two months later,  Jeff burned alive his only daughter, little whatshername, as an offering to the Lord.

The bible doesn’t mention whether or not the Lord expressed any appreciation, but then again, the sacrifice of Jeff’s daughter wasn’t even the Lord’s idea in the first place.  Turns out, it was just one of those big biblical misunderstandings that were always happening back then.

Until next time . . . I love you

Jeff's Sacrificing Party

Biblical Wrestle Mania

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

Biblical Wrestle Mania: Almighty God vs. Jacob the Ladder

Jacob was a twin who was born holding onto his  brother’s heel. Why anybody even noticed this is odd because Jacob’s twin brother, Esau (pronounced Achoo) was born entirely red and covered with fur.  A fact that Jacob’s parents were happy about because it meant they would never have any trouble telling them apart.

The twins’ mother, Rebekah, liked  Jacob best because she was partial to children who didn’t shed; while their dad, Isaac, liked Achoo best because he preferred children who could double as a comforter in a pinch.

 Jacob was a napper

One day, on his way to visit his relatives, Jacob  saw a nice, big, fluffy stone (which in those days was called a pillow) and lay down to take nap.  He dreamed God’s angels were going up and down on an escalator (which in those days was called a ladder).

Jacob's Ladder

In the dream, God told Jacob he was going to give him lots wives and kids and animals and slaves, which made Jacob so happy he told God he would kick back ten percent of his profits to Him.

When Jacob woke up from his dream, he consecrated his nice, big, fluffy rock pillow to God by pouring some consecrating oil on it which he always carried with him for impromptu consecratings.

One night, Jacob decided to take his family camping at the God Campgrounds down by the Jabbok River.  So Jacob’s two wives, two concubines and his eleven children all crammed into the family ox cart.  Jacob also brought along all his cattle, donkeys,  sheep,  goats, and slaves.  Jacob was a notorious over-packer.

An Angel Picks a Fight

That night Jacob realized it was going to be way to noisy to sleep so he sent his family and his animals and his slaves across the Jabbok river.  Then he fluffed up his rock and was just drifting off when an angel wearing a wrestling outfit showed up.

Jacob:  May I help you?

Angel:   I came to wrestle you.

Jacob:  Wrestle me? I haven’t wrestled since high school.

Angel:  You never forget how.  It’s like riding a bike.

Jacob:  Okay, give me a sec while I change into my wrestling garb.

Angel:  Why did you bring your wrestling garb if you haven’t wrestled since high school?

Jacob: I like to be prepared, okay?  You got a problem with that?

Angel:  Well besides being three-sizes too small,  your wrestling garb has consecrating oil stains all over it.  I’m going to have to wrestle you to the ground just because you look so stupid.

Jacob:  Oh yeah wing boy?  Bring it!

Jacob then proceeded to get the angel in a half-nelson and started plucking out his feathers. The angel immediately cried uncle but when Jacob let go, the Angel sucker punched Jacob and dislocated Jacob’s hip.  (The blow would have shattered Jacob’s hip if Jacob wouldn’t have been such a big believer in calcium supplements.)

"One two cha cha cha"
“One two cha cha cha”
“What are you doing? We’re supposed to be wrestling.”
“What? I can’t even have fun with it?”

Angel:  Okay okay you win, Jacob.  You can stop plucking out my feathers now!

Jacob:  Not until you bless me!

Angel:  I can only bless you if I change your name to Israel first.

Jacob:  Why?

Angel:  Because that’s my favorite name, but I also like Karen.  Would you rather be Karen?

Jacob:  Fine.  Call me Ishmael.

Angel:  You mean Israel?

Jacob:  Whatever.

After the match, Jacob realized that the angel he had just wrestled with was God, and that Jacob had seen the face of God and yet he was still alive! So Jacob decided to name the place upon which he and God had wrestled,  Peniel — which means “Thank God for Calcium Supplements.”

"What are you doing, Karen?" "Stetching. And don't call me Karen."
“What are you doing, Karen?”
“Stretching. And don’t call me Karen.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory learned in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Satan Tests Job

Linda Vernon Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Satan Tests Job

Job was a biblical character who lived in the holy land of Uz  believed by scholars to have been located somewhere over the rainbow — providing there had ever been enough moisture in the holy land to produce a rainbow.

Job was always extremely careful when it came to not sinning against the Lord.

Cut to the Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room where The Lord was having a meeting with various heavenly beings one of which was Satan himself:

The Lord:   Did everybody get their handouts on Sacrificing Do’s and Don’t’s and does anybody have any questions?  Yes, the heavenly being with the horns and the name tag that says Santa.  What’s you question, Santa?

Satan: Yeah, my name’s not Santa, by the way, it’s Satan, that’s a typo I caused to happen. Bwahaha!

The Lord:  I don’t get it, what do you mean by typo?

Satan:  It’s a . . .  oh never mind.

The Lord: So what have you been up to, Satan?

Satan:  Oh you know, walking here and there, roaming around the earth and holding Idle Hands Workshops for the aristocrats, the usual.

The Lord:  Well that’s just super! Say, did you happen to notice my servant, Job, he’s like the best worshiper I’ve ever had! He never does anything evil!

Satan: Yeah, that’s because he’s got 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 1,000 head of cattle, 500 donkeys and lord only knows how many cats.

The Lord:  That’s not true.  I have no idea how many cats he has.

Satan:  Bwahaha!  There you go again with your sense of humor!

The Lord:  My sense of what?

Satan:  Never mind. Say, I’m just wondering . . . what about testing Job to see if he would still be such a Goodie-Two-Shoes if his life suddenly became a living hell. I could help you out with that.

The Lord:  Well . . . . .

Satan:  Ah come on!

The Lord:  Well I guess, but only if you promise not to hurt Job. You know how hard it is nowadays to find a good Job.

Satan:  Bwahaha!  You crack me up!

The Lord:  Am I to understand that is your awkwardly worded request stating your desire to be cracked up?

Satan:  Say will you look at that! It’s half-past eternity already.  Where does the time go?  I gotta skedaddle.  See ya around, Lord.

Sometime shortly thereafter the following events took place:

Job’s children were having a feast at the home of his oldest son when a servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing:

Servant:  We were plowing the fields and got attacked! All your donkeys were stolen and all your servants were killed!

Job:  But they didn’t kill you?

Servant:  Yeah . . . (still huffing and puffing) . . . except for me.

Job:  Oh great you’re the only slave I have left?  And you’re not even in that good of shape.

Then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.

Servant: Lightening just struck all the sheep and shepherds and everyone was killed but me.

Job:  Hmm .  . . I’m starting to sense a pattern here.

Just then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.

Servant:  Your children were having a feast at the home of your oldest son when a storm swept in and blew the house down and killed them all.

Job:  Except for you . .

Servant:  Yeah, how’d you know?

Job:  Lucky guess.

After that Job tore his clothes in grief and shaved his head which was the standard biblical procedure when someone a) broke a new pottery water-carrying vessel  b) misplaced their dreidel or c) had all their children and animals slaughtered by Satan.

This is about the time the Lord turned on his Heavenly Conference Room hidden earth video camera and observed Job when he said, “I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing.  The Lord gave, and now he has taken away.  May His name be praised!

In spite of everything that had happened, Job did not sin by blaming The Lord.

It’s a good thing too since Job had nothing left to kill.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week, come back next week at this same to so see what new bible lesson Gregory learned about!

Until next time . . . I love you

The Lord's Heavenly Conference Room
The Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Noah Sleeps It Off

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what Noah and everyone was up to once they were on dry land again, and the only people left on earth.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible storiesNoah Sleeps It Off

In  last week’s lesson, God turned on the heavenly hose full blast until everything that breathed couldn’t breath anymore, and all the bad people on earth became dead, except for God’s favorite man, Noah, who built an ark etc. etc. (See Old MacDonald’s Farm for more information).

When God finally pulled the plug on the deluge, Noah was  601 years old even though Noah didn’t look a day over 500 and could still touch his toes!

While Noah’s wife and Noah’s three sons Ham, Shem and Japheth and their kids  enjoyed sifting through the flood debris for cool stuff, Noah spent most of the time moping in his tent and picking the mud off his robe.

Occasionally Noah would schlep through the flood debris to the  barbecue/altar to fix the Lord and (and himself) a Shem burger invented by his son Shem  (his son Ham was too lazy to invent anything).

"Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!"
“Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!”

But mostly Noah sat around just whining and complaining to his wife, Betty, about how much he missed mankind. The conversation might have gone something like this:

Betty:  Noah, you really need to stop laying around all day kvetching.

Noah:  There’s nothing else to do.  I hate this place, it’s so boring!

Betty:  How can you say that when there’s so much debris out there just waiting to be sifted through.  Look what I found just today?

Noah:  What is it?

Betty:  An apple with one bite out of it!

Noah:  Weird.

Betty:  Listen, Noah why don’t you start on a project.  Do something constructive.  You’re a farmer.  Maybe you could plant something.

Noah:  Hey that’s a swell idea, Betty.  I’ll plant a vineyard!

Betty:  A vineyard?  But we don’t drink.  I don’t think the Lord would approve of that, Noah.

Noah:  Oh no!  Not for wine . . .

Betty:  For what then?

Noah:  Oh you know, for raisin bran, raisin cookies, Waldorf salads . . .

Betty:  I don’t like raisins in salad.

Noah:  Okay, whatever, you can pick the raisins out.  The point is, Betty,  what this place could use is a vineyard!  Besides wine seeds are the only seeds I brought with.

Betty:  You mean grape seeds?

Noah:  Yeah, what’d I say?

Betty:  You said wine seeds.

Noah:  Whoops.  Slip of the tongue.

Betty:  Are you sure?

Noah:  Betty, I’m 601 years old for god sakes, cut me some slack!

Three years later:

Betty:  Noah?  What are you drinking?

Noah:  Just some . . .hic .  . . grape juice.

Three Years and two hours later:

Shem:  Hey has anybody seen, Dad?

Ham:  He got wasted and passed out in his tent buck naked!

Shem:  Oh my Lord!

Japheth;  Oh my God!

Ham:  Oh you guys, stop being  such prigs!

Japheth :  We care about, Dad, okay?  We’re not pigs, Okay?

Shem:  Yeah!

Ham:  I didn’t say you were pigs, I said you were prigs.

Shem:  Same thing.

Ham:  Listen Shem, I think I know what a pig is, I was named after one.  Hello?!

Jepeath:   Come on Shem.  Let’s go get a blanket to put over Dad’s buck nakedness.

Shem:  What’s a blanket?

Japheth:   It’s  a robe without sleeves. You really need to keep up with technology better, Shem.

Drunk Noah

Three Years and Six Hours Later:

Japheth:  Dad’s awake and he wants to see you, Ham.

Ham:  Yeah Dad?

Noah:  I’m putting a curse on your son, Canaan!

Ham:  Why?

Noah:  He will be a slave to his brothers.  Give praise to the Lord the God of Shem! May God cause Japheth to increase!!

Ham:  Well Japheth has been putting on weight but  I  just thought it was the Shem burgers.

Noah:  CANAAN WILL BE THE SLAVE OF SHEM!

Ham:   Okay Dad! I’m standing right here. There’s no need to shout.  Please use your indoor voice.  How about a nice cup of black coffee and a cold shower?

Noah:  AND HIS DESCENDANTS LIVE WITH THE PEOPLE OF SHEM! DO YOU HEAR KNOCKING?   WHO SET MY CHEESE AFIRE?

Ham:  Okay Dad, now I know you’re still drunk.  Afire is not even a word, is it?

Noah:  A CURSE ON CANAAN!

Ham:  But Dad, my son Canaan is just a little innocent boy who loves his grandpa.

Noah:  OKAY!  MAKE THAT A CURSE ON CANADA!

Ham:  Consider it cursed!   Go  back to sleep, Dad.

Noah:  Okay, but wake me up when it’s time for soccer practice.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers.  How Gregory imagines it was like after for Noah after the flood.  Check back next week at this same time to find out what happens next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah thinks about cheese . . or Canada . . . or Canadian cheese . . .
Noah thinks about cheese . . or Canada . . . or Canadian cheese . . .

Life on the Ark

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark  and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting for the flood to subside.

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesLife on the Ark 

Noah:  Honey!  Come on!  You’re not still packing are you?  We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!

Noah’s Wife, Betty:   I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!

Noah:  Here let me do it.

Betty:   Oh no you don’t!  You’ll  wrinkle  everything!

Noah:  Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark.  I think I can pack a suitcase.

Betty:   Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline?  I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows  how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.

Noah:  Sure you can bring the tambourine.  You know how much I love to sing.

Betty:   Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.

Noah:  We have a trampoline?

Betty:  What’s the matter Noah?  You look upset.

Noah:  It’s God.  I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they fit  nicely and now God has added seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.

Betty:  You mean he didn’t mention it before now?

Noah:  Nope.

Betty:  Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.

Noah:  Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip, honey.

After Noah had  finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark, the  Lord shooed all the animals away from the  door and slammed  it shut.  (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again.)  Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!

Day 10 on the ark:

Ham:  Dad can’t we open a window or something?  The smell in here is gross!

Noah:  What’s that?  I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking,  and the mooing and the bleating.

Betty:   I can’t stand all this sitting!  I just know I’m putting on weight.  What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.

Noah:  What honey?  Did you say something about a  tambourine?

Shem:  I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we  barbecue one of the animals!

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 50 on the ark:

Everybody in unison:  Ninety- nine  potter vessels of  wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of  wine on the ark . . .

Day 100 on the ark:

Shem:  Hey guess what everybody?   We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!

Ham:  How do you know that?

Shem:  I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick Dad let me bring.

Betty:   Noah!  How come you let  Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one  lousy little trampoline?

Noah:  What’s that Betty?   I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 130 on the ark:

Shem:  Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had  an olive branch in its beak!

Noah:  You know what, Shem,  at this point Daddy doesn’t really give a rat’s behind.

Ham:  Ha ha!   Funny you should say that,  Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!

Noah:  Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying  early.

Day 150 on the ark:

Noah:  Ninety nine pottery vessels of—

Ham:   Hey Dad!  Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.

Noah:  What?  When was this?

Ham:  About three months ago give or take.

Noah:  What?  Why didn’t you tell me?

Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.

And a hardy laugh was had by all.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  How Gregory imagines  life on the ark during the Great Flood.  Be sure and check back next week for the further adventures of Noah and the gang.

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah and Betty

Unloading the Ark

Noah makes some arks

 

Jesus, Twix Bars, and the Samaritan Woman

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week:

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible storiesJesus, Twix Bars and the Samaritan Woman

When Jesus was alive, he had to walk everywhere.  Biblical walking wasn’t much fun.  Everybody wore opened-toed shoes with no arch support, and there was ox manure everywhere and people were constantly stubbing their toes on the stones that were laying around all over the place– which made the countryside convenient for impromptu stonings, sure, but horrible for walking.

One day on his way to Galilee, Jesus and his disciples got a little lost and realized they would have to walk through Samaria.  In those days, Samaria was to Jesus and his disciples what Mexico is to Americans today.  Fun but iffy.

After stepping in ox manure and stubbing their toes on rocks all the way there (except for Jesus who not only  knew exactly where, but, more importantly, where not to step), the disciples and Jesus were pretty tuckered out.

Finally they came to a well and Jesus sat down to rest while the disciples, who were starving, went to find a good goat burger drive walk-through.

A Samaritan woman came to draw water from the well that Jesus was sitting on.

The Bible According to Gregory, Linda Vernon Humor, Jesus and Samaritan Woman humorous bible stories

Here is the conversation that ensued as summarized by Gregory who’s never read the bible and doesn’t ever listen in Sunday school:

Samaritan Woman:  Uh, excuse me. Can you move over, I’m trying to draw some water.

Jesus:  Will you give me a drink of water?

Samaritan Woman:  Well uh . . . I see by your name tag that you’re a Jew and I’m a Samaritan and Jews never drink out of Samaritan cups!

Jesus:    Actually, I could give you some water.  Some living water and then you would never be thirsty again.  Indeed the water I give will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

Samaritan Woman:  No kidding?  Kind of like a camel only better!

Jesus:  Go get your husband.

Samaritan Woman:  I have no husband.

Jesus:  You are right when you say you have no husband.  The fact is, you have had five husbands and the man you now have is not your husband.  What you just said is true.

Samaritan Woman:  So you’re the one whose been reading my diary!

Then Jesus told the woman the time is coming when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth.

Samaritan Woman:  Well I know that Messiah is coming.  When he comes he will explain everything to us.

Jesus:  “I am the one speaking to you –I am he!”

Just then the disciples showed up with some righteous goat burgers and the woman left her water jug and ran  back to the village to tell the Village People (who just happened to be playing there that day) as well as the rest of the village people that they were never going to believe who she just met at the well . . .

The bible acording to Gregory, Linda Venron Humor

Meanwhile the disciples were trying to get Jesus to eat.

Disciple:  Rabbi, eat something!

Jesus:  “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”

The disciples waited for Jesus to pull a Twix out of his robe pocket, but instead Jesus said, “My food, is to do the will of him who sent me to finish his work.”

If the disciples were disappointed, they tried not to show it.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week, to see what Gregory new exciting things Gregory will learn in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Apostle Pizza Party

Linda Vernon Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school.  Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?

 LInda Vernon humoous bible stories

The Apostle Pizza Party

After Easter, Jesus appeared to his disciples 40 times.  Nobody knows whether Jesus came to visit them once a day for 40 days, or once every other day for 80 days or twice a day for 20 days.  

Biblical Scholars have tried to work it out mathematically, but have never been able to come up with the right answer which explains why they majored in theology in college and not math.

Cloudy with a 100% Chance of Ascension

The very last time Jesus came to visit the apostles, one of them asked Jesus if he would be giving back the Kingdom to Israel, and when Jesus answered that that decision was up to His Dad, the apostles must have look disappointed because Jesus quickly added:

“But when the Holy Spirit comes upon you, you will be filled with power and you will be witnesses for me in Jerusalem, in all of Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

This cheered the apostles up considerably because not only were they looking forward to the holy spirit coming upon them; it also meant they were going to have jobs that included travel.

After telling the apostles this, Jesus was taken up to heaven while the apostles watched Him even though a cloud was hiding Jesus from their sight.  

Biblical scholars are uncertain as to whether this cloud was intentional or if it was just the most ill-timed rain cloud in the history of mankind.

While the apostles were trying to get a glimpse of Jesus through the cloud, two men dressed in white suddenly appeared beside them and asked:

“Galileans, why are you standing here looking up at the sky?  This Jesus, who was taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way that you saw him go to heaven.” 

If the Apostles responded by saying — “Why would that  make us not want to watch while Jesus ascends to heaven?” the bible isn’t letting us in on it.

The Apostles Go Back to Their Room

After that, the Apostles went back to Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives which the bible is sure to mention was only about a half a mile away from Jerusalem — even though the bible doesn’t say why the Mount of Olives was called the Mount of Olives in the first place. (Some scholars believe that it was because the mountain was made entirely of olives while other scholars can’t stand the taste of olives.)

Once they got back to Jerusalem, the apostles went up to the room where they were staying and all the apostles were there except for guess who?  Judas and the guy who was suppose to deliver the fig pizza.

Judas’s Untimely Demise

Everybody knew why Judas wasn’t there.  After  betraying Jesus, Judas had gained an enormous amount of weight and eventually went into a field and died from choking on a ham sandwich after which he burst open and all his insides spilled out — grossing out everyone and their goat — even including the lepers who were totally used to being grossed out.

Anyway, after praying about who should replace Judas, two clear choices emerged:  Justus and Matthias.  After praying some more, choosing lots,  rolling dice and using the Roman Applause Meter (hand cranked), it was determined that Matthias won by a clap.

Right about then the fig pizza guy finally showed up.  Everybody felt bad for the loser, Justus, so they let him help himself to the pizza first. 

 And thus Justus was served.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please stop by next week to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school.

Until next time . . . I love you

Matthais get's to be the new Apostle

The Day Jesus Made His Mom Proud

Linda Vernon Adventures in Grandma Land, Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory goes to Sunday School and  every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about the first miracle that Jesus performed.

In biblical days, people were hard to get rid of.  If you invited people over for dinner (which in those days was called a feast) they would stay way too long and totally wear out their welcome.

One day Jesus and the disciples were invited to a wedding and Mary, his mother, was invited too.  (Either Joseph’s name wasn’t on the invitation or he couldn’t get the time off.)

Anyway, after the wedding everybody went over to the bridegroom’s house for some hardy feasting.  There was wine and food and music and fun and wine.

And just like today, if the wine runs out before the party is over, somebody has to do something about it.  That’s exactly what happened.

Just as Mary was going to refill her wine goblet, she overheard one of the servants  talking about how the guests were complete lushes who had drunk everything in the house including the water in the fish bowl.

“I will tell Jesus,” Mary assured the servants.

Mary wove her way through the revelers and found Jesus who was just about to belt out a rousing rendition of Amazing Grace on the Karaoke machine (hand cranked).

“They have no more wine.”  Mary announced unceremoniously.

To which Jesus replied, “Why are you telling me?” (Jesus tended to get a tiny bit sassy with his mom whenever she interrupted his Karaoke fun.)

Now Mary knew that Jesus would do something to help the people with their drinking problem (of not having anymore wine).   She ran back to the servants and said, “Whatever He tells you to do, do it.”

Once Jesus was finished singing (he was the original crooner, it was such a pity I left my heart in San Francisco hadn’t been invented yet), he looked around and saw six water pots and told the servants to fill all six jars with water which they did.

“Now,” Jesus said, “dip wine from the jar and carry it to the man who is in charge of the feast.”

Which they also did and by the time the man put the water to his lips, it had turned into the best wine the man had ever gotten drunk on!

So he called the bridegroom over and said,”Everyone else serves the best wine first, and after the guests have drunk a lot he serves the ordinary wine.  But you have kept the best wine until now.”

The man who was taking care of the feast did not know that Jesus had turned water into wine. The bridegroom did not know either.  The bridegroom just assumed that the servants had found the stash of expensive wine he had taken great pains to hide before everybody arrived.

But the servants knew and Mary knew that Jesus had performed his very first miracle.  Jesus had turned water into wine, not bum wine either, but really, really, really good wine. Mary couldn’t have been prouder!

“How’s that Jesus?”
“Keep pouring.”
“Is that enough?”
“No keep pouring!”
“Jesus! It’s going to overflow!”
“No, keep pouring, I know what I’m doing.”

 * * *

Until next time. . . I love you

Gregory’s Summer Bible School: Gideon Gets Peeved

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Summer Bible School.  This summer Gregory will be learning all about Gideon.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory has learned about Gideon so far:

One day, shortly after the Israelites got back from the excitement of  battling Canaanites and cutting off the big toes and thumbs of  seventy kings, they were experiencing a lull so, not knowing what else to do with themselves,  they decided to do what they always did when they were bored — sin against the Lord.

So naturally the Lord had no choice but to have the mean, nasty, overweight Midianites rule over the Israelites for seven years (This was way before the Lord thought of timeouts).

The Midianites were bigger and stronger than the Israelites, who were more on the bookish side and who – aside from their large collection of big toes and thumbs, were not really all that aggressive.

So the Israelites spent a lot of time hiding from the Midianites in caves by day and tip toeing around by night planting their crops and tending to their cattle so as not to wake up the Midianites who were light sleepers.

But invariably some poor Israelite would sneeze too loudly and the Midianites would wake up, and come down from the hills on their camels.

The bible says there were so many Midianites that they and their camels couldn’t be counted, but most scholars believe this is simply because they wouldn’t hold still long enough.

Anyway, the Midianites would wreak havoc on the Israelites by trampling their crops, tipping their cows, messing up their hairdos and giving them all robe wedgies.

The Israelites cried out to the Lord, and the Lord,  who was wondering when they were going to cry out, sent them a prophet who came to them with a  message from the Lord.

The first part of the Lord’s message recapped what the Lord’s big accomplishments had been thus far which, of course, included bringing the Israelites out of Egypt, and freeing them from slavery. But the Lord never mentioned the parting of the Red Sea as He wasn’t that big on bragging, but was always secretly hoping someone else would bring that part up.

Then the Messenger of the Lord and Gideon had a conversation that might have sounded something like this but probably didn’t:

Messenger of the Lord:  Say, Gideon, would you mind if I sat down under this tree in Ophrah that belonged to your dad, Joash, from Abiezer’s family?

Gideon:  Sure, but how did you know all that?

MOTL:  I read the tree plaque. What are you doing?

Gideon:  I’m threshing wheat in this wine-press so as to confuse the Midianites.

MOTL:  To confuse them how?

Gideon:  Well, this way The Midianites will think I’m making wine when I’m really making flour.

MOTL:  Won’t they just think you are making wine and want to steal that instead?

Gideon:  What are you?  An attorney?

MOTL:  The Lord is with you, brave man.

Gideon:  Well, no offense but I’m a little peeved.

MOTL:  Peeved?  Peeved howeth?

Gideon:  All these horrible things are happening to us.  The stealing of the crops, the cow tipping, the robe wedgies, having to make flour in a wine-press.  What happened to all the Lord’s miracles everybody is always telling me about?

MOTL:  How would you feel if I told you that you will be rescuing Israel with the strength you have?

Gideon:  Yeah right.  Have you seen my muscles lately?  I can’t even tell you how sore I’m going to be tomorrow when I get done wine-pressing all this wheat.  And you think I’m weak, you should see the rest of my family, we once got beat up by a batch of kittens.

MOTL:  Doesn’t matter. You will defeat the Midianites as if they were only one man.

Gideon:  Okay if you say so.  Listen, I’m going to go fix you a snack.  Can you wait here till I get back?

MOTL:  Who moi?  Absotively!

Thank you, Dear Readers, for coming by Summer Bible School with Gregory!  Please check back next week for more of our lesson.

Until next time . . . I love you

I guess I’ll go fix you a snack.”    “Hot Diggity Doggeth!”