Gregory’s Bible Stories: Meeting Jesus’s Dad

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson he learned.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Jesus brought his three favorite disciples to meet his Dad. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the story.

GregoryMeeting Jesus’s Dad

One day Jesus decided to take his three best friends, Peter, James and John up on a high mountain alone.   The bible doesn’t say how the other nine disciples felt about their not being invited and biblical scholars can only speculate that Peter, James and John came home to find their robes all tied together.

Anyway, once they all got up to the top of the mountain, the disciples watched while Jesus prayed.  The more Jesus prayed, the sleepier the disciples got.  Before you know it, the disciples were out like unattended oil lamps!

When the disciples opened their eyes,  Jesus had changed into his heavenly civvies which the disciples described as being as bright as the sun.

But that’s not all!  The disciples saw that there were now two men with Jesus.  One was Moses and the other one was Elijah.  The disciples knew who these two men were because most biblical scholars agree they were wearing name tags.

Peter piped up immediately and said he would like to build them all some tents.  One for Jesus, one for Moses, one for Elijah and one for the little boy who lived down the lane (Peter was a kidder).

Anyway just as Peter was going on and on about tents, he was interrupted by what looked like a shiny cloud, but was actually Jesus’s Dad, God.  God said:

“This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased; hear him.” 

When the disciples heard God’s voice the disciples all screamed and threw themselves face down on the ground.

After awhile, Jesus came and touched them and told them not to be afraid and when the disciples looked up the two men were gone and there was no sign of the shiny cloud.

As they came down the mountain Jesus asked the disciples not to tell anybody what they saw until the Son of Man had been raised from death.  The disciples pretended to know what Jesus was talking about even though they had no idea what Jesus was talking about.  (When asked about this later, the disciples insisted they did  keep the story a secret and had absolutely no idea how it had gotten in the bible!)

When they got back home sure enough Peter, John and James had their robes all tied together.

But Jesus’s stuff was just as he had left it.

“Fellas I’d like you to meet Noah and Elijah.”
“No I’m Noah!”
“Oh sorry, you guys look just alike!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: What God Hath Whittled

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory couldn’t wait to get home to tell everyone about what he learned about the Garden of Eden.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesWhat God Hath Whittled

When last we left God, He had just finished making Adam out of dirt.  Adam turned out great, much better than the dust bunnies God had made the previous day — which even He had to admit didn’t resemble bunnies that much.

dust bunnie or unicorn duck
“Hm . . . maybe I should call them Unicorn Ducks instead.

Then God put Adam in the Garden of Eden that God had just planted all by Himself.  He tried to elicit Adam’s help, but Adam was horrible at taking initiative. God wanted to fire Adam and replace him with someone more competent but He came to this conclusion only after He had used the last of the dirt for potting soil.

After watching Adam live in the Garden of Eden ad nasuem, it soon became apparent to God that Adam was a bit of a mess cat. It wasn’t long before Adam had overrun the pond with dirty dishes, strewn banana peels everywhere and overflowed the laundry hamper with dirty fig leafs.

Then the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to live alone.  I will make a suitable companion to help him.”  To which Adam replied, “Hallelujah!”

So God made a quick trip to the Soil-Eleven and got some more dirt and formed all the animals and birds.  Then He brought them to Adam to see what Adam would name them.  Biblical Scholars believe the conversation might have gone something like this:

God:  So, Adam, what do you want to name this really cool animal thingie I just made that has a tail like a beaver, a bill like a duck, webbed feet and this really cool spiky-thing in the back that has poison in it?

Adam:  Kitty.

God:  Kitty.  Really?  That’s it. Kitty?

Adam:  Kittypus?

God:  That’s the best you can come up with?

Adam:  Don’t you like Kittypus?

God:  Not really.

Adam:  Is it made out of  dirt?

God:  Actually I made this one out of Playdough.

Adam:  How about Playdough Pus?

God: Okay, but only if you’re sure it won’t get mangled in the translation thousands of years from now.

Adam:  I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life — except that I hate the taste of apples.

When God realized that none of the animals was going to be a suitable companion to help Adam, He decided using dirt as a construction material just wasn’t cutting it.

But hey! Speaking of cutting it . . . –why not cut a bone out of Adam and use it to make his companion? (This was way before baling wire had been invented.)

The Lord posed this question to Himself out loud but quietly so Adam wouldn’t hear Him. But Adam did hear and tried to run away by running  around and around the Tree of Knowledge.

God tried explaining to Adam that it wasn’t going to do any good to run away because the question was rhetorical, but Adam didn’t know what rhetorical meant as, up to that point, anyway, he couldn’t stand the taste apples.

Finally, God stuck His Almighty Foot out and tripped Adam and Adam fell down into a deep sleep.  Then God thought, what bone can I take out of Adam that he won’t miss?

Then God snapped His almighty Fingers. He would take out Adam’s middle ear bone, the stirrup.  But when God went to take it out, He saw that Adam had broken it when he fell — so God had to put a cast on it instead.

Then God remembered how much fun it had been making Adam’s ribs.  All He had to do was put the mud in His hands, close His fist and Voila!  All you can eat ribs!

So the Lord God decided to use Adam’s rib to make a companion for Adam. He figured Adam would never know the difference anyway, because as much as God was loath to admit it, it was beginning to look like the Tree of Knowledge was kind of a lost cause on Adam.

So God pulled out one of Adam’s ribs and began whittling away everything that wasn’t a woman . . .

Well that’s all Gregory had time for today, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week to find out what exactly it is that God hath whittled.

Until next time . . . I love you

Just us Playdough Pusses

God Removing Adam's Rib Coloring Page
God Removing Adam’s Rib Coloring Page

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about God’s new favorite person, Abram and his journey to Canaan.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining what that journey must have been like.

Gregory's bible stories by Linda VernonAbram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

As you will remember from last week’s Tower of Babel lesson, the Lord made it clear that trying to build a tower to reach to heaven was numero uno on the list of boo boos in The Lord’s Big Book of Boo Boos.

So the Lord had no choice but to scatter mankind all over the earth and confuse the language so that if one man said, “please pass the unleavened bread,” the other man would respond by killing two donkeys,  marrying his sister and untying all his camels.

Life went on in this confusing way generation after generation.  The Lord didn’t really seem to notice anyone in particular until Abram came along.  Then the  Lord decided Abram was his new favorite person.

The Lord had big plans for Abram which included moving Abram, his wife, Sarai, his animals, all his stuff, his slaves and his nephew, Lot, to the land of Canaan.

 And so began their journey:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram!  Did you see that sign back there on the road?

Abram:  No what did it say?

Lot:  It said, Welcome to Canaan.  Sacred Tree of Moreh one mile!

Sarai:  Finally, I’m so hungry I could eat a goat.

Abram: Sorry Sarai, the goat is for a sacrifice to the Lord at the Sacred Tree of Morah where I’m going to build an alter.

Sarai:  Tell me about it!  I didn’t say the goat I said a goat.

Lot:  Uh oh, Uncle Abram.  It looks like we forgot to bring the alter building supplies.

Abram:  Oh nuts!  Everybody keep your eyes peeled for an alter supply store.

Abram and Sarai and Lot and all their animals and all their slaves and all their stuff were continuing on their journey to southern Canaan when a famine hit:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, I’m starving! When are we stopping for lunch?

Sarai:  Oh look, Abram, there’s a Goat Burger King!  Can we stop?

Goat Burger King employee:  May I take your order?

Abram:  Yes we’ll each have a goat burger, an order of figs and a large pottery vessel of water.

Goat Burger King employee:  Sorry we’re all out.

Abram:  Of goat burgers?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Of everything but the water.

Abram:  Fine just give us three waters then.

Goat Burger King Employee:  We’ll have to charge you for water.

Abram:  Why?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Because you’re not ordering any food.

Abram:  Listen here, young man! Perhaps I forgot to mention that I am the Lord’s favorite person on the planet, right now, and unless you enjoy being smited . . .

Goat Burger King Employee:  Three free waters comin’ right up!

After that Abram and all his stuff and his wife and his animals and all his slaves and his nephew, Lot, decided to take a detour to Egypt because there was a famine, and they thought they caught a whiff of baked goods coming from that direction.

Smelling Egyptian Baked Goods

Abram:  Listen Sarai.  You’re a beautiful woman.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  And, as such, the Egyptian king is going to take one look at you and want to kill me because I’m your husband.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  So I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind saying you’re my sister.  That way I can use my relationship to you to get lots of free stuff from the king.

Sarah:  Tell me about it!

So Abram told the King that Sarai was his sister and the king bought it hook, line and sinker and told Sarai that she could  not only sleep in the king’s palace but in the king’s master bedroom on the kings master bed right next to the king — if she didn’t snore too loudly which, as luck would have it, she didn’t.

The King was so pleased with Abram’s wife’s not snoring that he gifted Abram with sheep and cattle and goats and donkeys and slaves and camels.

But then the Lord found out about all the not snoring going on with the Egyptian King and Abram’s wife, Sarai, and it made Him so mad, He brought a terrible disease on the King and on the people of his palace so the Egyptian king sent for Abram:

Egyptian King:  The  Lord is super mad at me because Sarai is your wife, and we’ve been not snoring together all this time thus causing the Lord to bring down a terrible disease upon us! Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?

Abram:  Uh . . . you didn’t ask?

Egyptian King:  Take all your stuff and your wife and your slaves and the Lot you brought with you, and get out!

Abram:  Do I get to keep all the sheep and the  cattle and the slaves you gave me?

Egyptian King:  Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way!

Abram:  I don’t really care, but the Lord was wondering . . .

Egyptian King:  Like I said there is absolutely no way!  No way you’re not going to take them with you as my lovely parting gift, that is!

So Abram and his wife and his nephew, Lot, and all his stuff, and his slaves and his animals went north out of Egypt.

Lot:  Jeepers, we sure made out like bandits in Egypt didn’t we, Uncle Abram?

Abram:  You can say that again, right Sarai?

Sarai:  Tell me about it!

Abram and the King of Egypt

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Remember to check back next week at this time to see what happens next!

Until next time . . . I love you