Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory couldn’t wait to get home to tell everyone about what he learned about the Garden of Eden. Let’s listen in, shall we?
What God Hath Whittled
When last we left God, He had just finished making Adam out of dirt. Adam turned out great, much better than the dust bunnies God had made the previous day — which even He had to admit didn’t resemble bunnies that much.
Then God put Adam in the Garden of Eden that God had just planted all by Himself. He tried to elicit Adam’s help, but Adam was horrible at taking initiative. God wanted to fire Adam and replace him with someone more competent but He came to this conclusion only after He had used the last of the dirt for potting soil.
After watching Adam live in the Garden of Eden ad nasuem, it soon became apparent to God that Adam was a bit of a mess cat. It wasn’t long before Adam had overrun the pond with dirty dishes, strewn banana peels everywhere and overflowed the laundry hamper with dirty fig leafs.
Then the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.” To which Adam replied, “Hallelujah!”
So God made a quick trip to the Soil-Eleven and got some more dirt and formed all the animals and birds. Then He brought them to Adam to see what Adam would name them. Biblical Scholars believe the conversation might have gone something like this:
God: So, Adam, what do you want to name this really cool animal thingie I just made that has a tail like a beaver, a bill like a duck, webbed feet and this really cool spiky-thing in the back that has poison in it?
God: Kitty. Really? That’s it. Kitty?
God: That’s the best you can come up with?
Adam: Don’t you like Kittypus?
God: Not really.
Adam: Is it made out of dirt?
God: Actually I made this one out of Playdough.
Adam: How about Playdough Pus?
God: Okay, but only if you’re sure it won’t get mangled in the translation thousands of years from now.
Adam: I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life — except that I hate the taste of apples.
When God realized that none of the animals was going to be a suitable companion to help Adam, He decided using dirt as a construction material just wasn’t cutting it.
But hey! Speaking of cutting it . . . –why not cut a bone out of Adam and use it to make his companion? (This was way before baling wire had been invented.)
The Lord posed this question to Himself out loud but quietly so Adam wouldn’t hear Him. But Adam did hear and tried to run away by running around and around the Tree of Knowledge.
God tried explaining to Adam that it wasn’t going to do any good to run away because the question was rhetorical, but Adam didn’t know what rhetorical meant as, up to that point, anyway, he couldn’t stand the taste apples.
Finally, God stuck His Almighty Foot out and tripped Adam and Adam fell down into a deep sleep. Then God thought, what bone can I take out of Adam that he won’t miss?
Then God snapped His almighty Fingers. He would take out Adam’s middle ear bone, the stirrup. But when God went to take it out, He saw that Adam had broken it when he fell — so God had to put a cast on it instead.
Then God remembered how much fun it had been making Adam’s ribs. All He had to do was put the mud in His hands, close His fist and Voila! All you can eat ribs!
So the Lord God decided to use Adam’s rib to make a companion for Adam. He figured Adam would never know the difference anyway, because as much as God was loath to admit it, it was beginning to look like the Tree of Knowledge was kind of a lost cause on Adam.
So God pulled out one of Adam’s ribs and began whittling away everything that wasn’t a woman . . .
Well that’s all Gregory had time for today, Dear Readers. Please check back next week to find out what exactly it is that God hath whittled.
Until next time . . . I love you