Month: December 2014

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Big Fat Bullies of the Bible

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about the time the Israelites were having some trouble with the Medianites.

Let’s listen in to Gregory’s take on all this:

gregory Big Fat Bullies of the Bible

One day the Lord left the planet for five seconds and when he came back the people of Israel were sinning against him. So as a  punishment, He let the people of Midian rule over the Israelites for seven years (This was way before He thought up”timeouts”)

This was a horrible punishment to the Israelites because the Medianites were a race of big, fat bullies and the Israelites were more on the bookish side.  So the Israelites fled to the hills and hid in caves while the Medianites partied with their gangsta buddies, the Amalekites, in the Israelites’ homes — helping themselves to the Israelites beer, feasting on the Israelites’ food and even using the Israelites’ toothbrush.

One day, the Israelites ventured out of their caves to plant some crops and tend their animals.   But when they woke up the next morning they found that the Medianites had trampled all their crops and tipped all their cattle. The Israelites couldn’t take it anymore and cried out to the Lord.

The Lord, who was wondering when they were going to cry out, sent an angel to talk to an Israelite named Gideon who, at that particular moment, just happened to be threshing some wheat on a wine press. (Gideon was a kind yet confused man.)

Then an angel appeared who might have been the Lord and said:

Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord:  The Lord is with you brave and mighty man.

Gideon:  Oh really?  Then why is all this bad stuff happening?

AWMHABTL:  Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re going to need to go rescue Israel from the Medianites.

Gideon:  Who Moi? Have you seen my muscles?

AWMHABTL:  What muscles?

Gideon: I rest my case.

AWMHABTL:  I know this is a little bit off topic, but I’m really starving.  I skipped lunch.

Gideon:  I’ll be right back, stay right here.

Gideon rushed back to his house and cooked a young goat, used a bushel of flour to make bread without any yeast and put some meat in a basket and the broth in a pot and delivered it to the Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord:

AWMHABTL:  Thanks.  Now put it over there on that rock and stand back.

Gideon put the food on the rock and the Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord reached out and touched it with a stick and  the rock burst into flames.This terrified Gideon. In fact, it would have scared the bejesus out of him had he not been such an old-testament kind of guy.

gideon and the angel

Gideon:  Sovereign Lord! I have seen your angel face-to-face!

The Lord:  Peace.  Don’t be afraid you will not die.

Gideon:  Well thank God for that!

The Lord:  You’re welcome.

That night the Lord handed Gideon his To-Do List:

The Lord’s To-Do List for Gideon:

1) Take your Father’s bull and another bull seven years old

2) Tear down your father’s alter to Baal

3) Cut down the symbol of the goddess Asherah

4) Build a well-constructed altar to Yours Truly on top of this mound

5) Burn second bull as offering using the symbol of Asherah .

6) If you have any questions, cry out between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Monday through Saturday

 Then Gideon had a convoluted idea:

Gideon:  Say Lord, in order to find out if you want to use me to save Israel, I was thinking that maybe you could put some wool on the ground where we  thresh the wheat and if in the morning there is only dew on the wool but not on the ground, then I will know that you are going to use me to rescue Israel . . .

The Lord:  Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask me?

Gideon:  I suppose.  But then I was thinking that if there was dew on the wool maybe the next night I could put the wool on the ground and if there was dew everywhere but on the wool, then that would mean that you are indeed going to use me to rescue Israel and–

The Lord:  Wool Schmool!  I’m just going to tell you now, you’re rescuing Israel.

Gideon:  Fine be that way.

Well that’s it for part one of the adventures of Gideon, Dear Readers.  Please come back next week when Gregory tells us how Gideon defeats the Midianites.

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain Peanuts Remembers: Santa Claus

Linda Vernon Holidays, My Brain Peanuts Remembers, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this edition of My Brain, Peanuts, remembers.

Today’s Topic:  Santa Claus

The first memory of Santa I have takes place in 1954, when I was three, and Santa Claus was making a live appearance in the basement of the Presbyterian church.  On the big day, everyone filed down the stairs to the chilly  church basement and eagerly awaited the arrival of The Man in Red. (Back then church-goers didn’t really worry about anyone forgetting that Jesus was the reason for the season because 1) there was plenty of room in church for both Santa and the baby Jesus and 2) nobody had thought of that catchy phrase yet.)

Ice-Cold Church Basement Sunday School Clay

Anyway, we all stood around watching our breaths and breathing in the aroma of Sunday School Clay.  That’s because our church basement always smelled like Sunday school clay. Sunday school clay is different from ordinary clay by virtue of the fact that it is kept in the cold church basement.  So Sunday school clay was always somewhat frozen and by the time you got it warmed up enough to roll it into something as simple as a snake, Sunday school was over.

I never understood why they even bothered with having clay unless it was just something to keep us occupied while the Sunday School teacher was earnestly trying to impart some useful biblical wisdom into our somewhat disengaged little minds.

A Communistic Christmas?

Anyway, we all stood around waiting for Santa and shivering beneath the glare of church basement’s fluorescent lights that cast a Russian-esque-like hue over the scene — probably not unlike the same scene that was transpiring on in the opposite side of our cold-war globe in the basement of the Kremlin while communist children waited for Soviet Santa to make his appearance –i.e. Khrushchev in a fuzzy hat.

Santa Khrushchev
I will bury you! No wait . . . have yourself a very merry Christmas . . . and then I will bury you!

 Anyway, when our Santa Claus finally appeared, he was wearing a rubber Santa Claus mask.  The weird thing is, I was the only one that seemed to notice.

Santa Mask
Mask? What mask?

All the kids ran up to him as he handed out candy.  I thought this was extremely alarming. So I began shouting at the top of my lungs, “Thanta Clauth ith wearing a Mathk!”   (I had a slight lisp at the time.)

But no one seemed to care.  Everyone was on board with this rubber-masked imposter. They were taking candy from him like it was candy.  What was wrong with everyone?  I screamed!  I shouted!  I was a three-year-old Paul Revere trying to warn my fellow pint-sized citizens not be taken in by this Santa Claus Charlton!  But nobody listened.

Not the Real Santa

On the way home, my mother tried to tell me that that wasn’t the real Santa wearing the rubber mask in the church basement.  The real Santa was busy at the north pole making presents, and he couldn’t take the time off to come all the way to our town to hand out candy (Plus it was probably too cold in that church basement even for him!)

I do believe in Santa . . . I do . . . I do . . . I do!

I wanted to believe her story.  I really did.  I looked up at the stars and tried to imagine Santa flying through the air.  I strained to hear the sound of Santa’s sleigh bells.  I neither saw nor heard a thing.  Try as I might, the integrity of the Santa story was beginning to form some big, gaping holes.

The Jack Hubbard Incident

When I was five years old, the subject of Santa came up, and I cruelly broke the news to dear, sweet, innocent, Santa-believing, Jack Hubbard that there was no Santa Claus.  I explained that he was merely a figment of the imagination, a tale told by an idiot, full of thound and fury thignifying nothing.(I still had my lisp).

A traumatized Jack Hubbard ran home, broken-hearted and told his mother what I had said.  Mrs. Hubbard called my mother.

My Mother:  Hello

Mrs. Hubbard:  Jack said Linda told him there was no Santa Claus. Did she tell Jack that?

My Mother:  Oh gosh I don’t know.  Let me ask her (my mother put the phone to her chest).  Linda, did you tell Jack there is no Santa Claus?

Me:  Yes.

My Mother:  Yes apparently she did tell Jack there wasn’t any Santa Claus.

Mrs. Hubbard: Why did she do that?

My Mother:  Oh gosh. Let me ask her.  (My mother put the phone to her chest again) Linda, why did you tell Jack there wasn’t any Santa Claus?

Me:  Because there isn’t any Santa Claus.

My Mother:  Oh.

I don’t remember what my mother said after that, but I do remember that neither my mother nor Mrs. Hubbard were none to happy with me and, frankly, I’ve been feeling guilty about it ever since.

This year my five-year-old grandson asked me if Santa Claus really existed.  I told him that believing in Santa Claus is a personal decision that he would have to make for himself. This seemed to placate him since he didn’t exactly understand what I was saying.

If only I had thought of this answer when I broke the news to Jack Hubbard.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

Interpreting the Christmas Greetings of Cows

Linda Vernon Uncategorized , , , , , , , , , ,

Tis that time of year again, Dear Readers!  Christmas is fast approaching — when we hang up the stockings, put up the tree, and start using the word “tis” for it’s.

It’s Tis also the time of year when one might want to interpret the many Christmas Greetings of cows.  And so without further adieu, let’s take a look at:

Interpreting the Christmas Greetings of Cows

Merry Christmoo!  How cows say, “Merry Christmas!”

Merry Christpoo! How cows say, “We’ve got Christmas gifts!”

Merry Christmeh!  How cows say, “Merry Christmas but we’re Jewish.”

Merry Christba-a-a-a! How cows say, “Merry Christmas! I was born in the wrong body!”

'Merry Christmoo! "
“Merry Christmoo everybody!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Now get out there and wish your favorite cow a Merry Christmas!

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Baby Jesus and the Wise Old Men

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about when three wise old men visited the baby Jesus.

gregoryBaby Jesus and The Three Wise Old Men

“Gosh Mary, I know God wants us to name him Jesus, but I kinda had my heart set on Morty.”

Once upon a time there were three wise old men who lived somewhere (nobody knows where).  Their names might have been Kaneezer, Ferod and Ringo (but nobody knows for sure).  They spent a ton of time studying the stars.  One night while looking up at the stars there was a very strange occurrence.

Kaneezer:  Hey guys!  Come out here!  Lookee what I found!

Ferod:  What? Just tell us. Ringo and I are trying to eat our dinner, Kaneezeer.

Kaneezer:  No you’ve got to come and see this for yourselves, guys.  You won’t believe it!

Ferod:    But our bread will get stale . . . you gonna eat the rest of your pomegranates, Ringo?

Ringo:   Yeah.  You gonna eat the rest of your figs?

Kaneezer:  Listen you guys, first of all, unleavened bread doesn’t get stale and even if it did you’d never know the difference.  Secondly, I just saw a star in the sky that is telling me that “The King has been born” and thirdly,  it’s double parked outside waiting to guide us to Him.

Ringo:  A king’s been born?

Kaneezer:  Not a king THE king!  We’ve got to hurry over there and take Him some presents.

Ferod:  “Presents? But what will we get him?

Ringo:  How about a dreidel?

Kaneezer:   I already took the liberty of getting Him a bag of gold, a bundle of incense and jug of sweet-smelling perfume from all of us.

Ringo:  Those gifts don’t seem very age appropriate, Kaneezer.

Kaneezer:  Hey, I’m a wise old man, what do I know from babies?  Anyway, I also got him a really cute card that you guys need to sign. Now go pack your camels and let’s hit the road.

“Can I hold Him?”
“Uh . . . maybe later.”

Later

Kaneezer:  Wasn’t The King the cutest baby you ever saw when He lay down His Sweet Head?

Ferod:  I know! And even when he didn’t!

Ringo:   And did you notice He didn’t even cry when the cattle started lowing their heads off?

Kaneezer:  I know!  And their barn’s right next to the pasture too.

Ferod:  What a Trooper!

Ringo:  Mary and Joseph told me He’s already sleeping through the night!

Ferod:  Oh good, that means He’s probably not allergic to straw.

Kaneezer:  Hey did you happen to notice all the stars looking down where He lay?

Ringo:  I know!  Before tonight, I didn’t even realize stars could “look”!

Ferod:  And did you get a load of all those angels?

Kaneezer:  I know! I almost wet my pants when they started unfurling their peaceful wings!

Ferod:  But you’re not wearing pants, you’re wearing a robe.

Kaneezer:  Oh yeah my bad.

Ringo:  I really loved it when the herald angels started singing “Hark!”

Ferod:  I know, that’s my new favorite song!

Kaneezer:  Me too!

Ringo:  Me three!

Kaneezer:  Hey lookee guys!  There’s an Inn 6.  Let’s  spend the night there shall we?

Ringo:  Okay, but something tells me there’s not going to be any vacancies.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Oh and Gregory would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Until next time . . .I love you