Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about the time the Israelites were having some trouble with the Medianites.
Let’s listen in to Gregory’s take on all this:
Big Fat Bullies of the Bible
One day the Lord left the planet for five seconds and when he came back the people of Israel were sinning against him. So as a punishment, He let the people of Midian rule over the Israelites for seven years (This was way before He thought up”timeouts”)
This was a horrible punishment to the Israelites because the Medianites were a race of big, fat bullies and the Israelites were more on the bookish side. So the Israelites fled to the hills and hid in caves while the Medianites partied with their gangsta buddies, the Amalekites, in the Israelites’ homes — helping themselves to the Israelites beer, feasting on the Israelites’ food and even using the Israelites’ toothbrush.
One day, the Israelites ventured out of their caves to plant some crops and tend their animals. But when they woke up the next morning they found that the Medianites had trampled all their crops and tipped all their cattle. The Israelites couldn’t take it anymore and cried out to the Lord.
The Lord, who was wondering when they were going to cry out, sent an angel to talk to an Israelite named Gideon who, at that particular moment, just happened to be threshing some wheat on a wine press. (Gideon was a kind yet confused man.)
Then an angel appeared who might have been the Lord and said:
Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord: The Lord is with you brave and mighty man.
Gideon: Oh really? Then why is all this bad stuff happening?
AWMHABTL: Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re going to need to go rescue Israel from the Medianites.
Gideon: Who Moi? Have you seen my muscles?
AWMHABTL: What muscles?
Gideon: I rest my case.
AWMHABTL: I know this is a little bit off topic, but I’m really starving. I skipped lunch.
Gideon: I’ll be right back, stay right here.
Gideon rushed back to his house and cooked a young goat, used a bushel of flour to make bread without any yeast and put some meat in a basket and the broth in a pot and delivered it to the Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord:
AWMHABTL: Thanks. Now put it over there on that rock and stand back.
Gideon put the food on the rock and the Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord reached out and touched it with a stick and the rock burst into flames.This terrified Gideon. In fact, it would have scared the bejesus out of him had he not been such an old-testament kind of guy.
Gideon: Sovereign Lord! I have seen your angel face-to-face!
The Lord: Peace. Don’t be afraid you will not die.
Gideon: Well thank God for that!
The Lord: You’re welcome.
That night the Lord handed Gideon his To-Do List:
The Lord’s To-Do List for Gideon:
1) Take your Father’s bull and another bull seven years old
2) Tear down your father’s alter to Baal
3) Cut down the symbol of the goddess Asherah
4) Build a well-constructed altar to Yours Truly on top of this mound
5) Burn second bull as offering using the symbol of Asherah .
6) If you have any questions, cry out between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Monday through Saturday
Then Gideon had a convoluted idea:
Gideon: Say Lord, in order to find out if you want to use me to save Israel, I was thinking that maybe you could put some wool on the ground where we thresh the wheat and if in the morning there is only dew on the wool but not on the ground, then I will know that you are going to use me to rescue Israel . . .
The Lord: Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask me?
Gideon: I suppose. But then I was thinking that if there was dew on the wool maybe the next night I could put the wool on the ground and if there was dew everywhere but on the wool, then that would mean that you are indeed going to use me to rescue Israel and–
The Lord: Wool Schmool! I’m just going to tell you now, you’re rescuing Israel.
Gideon: Fine be that way.
Well that’s it for part one of the adventures of Gideon, Dear Readers. Please come back next week when Gregory tells us how Gideon defeats the Midianites.
Until next time . . . I love you