Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned. Let’s listen in, shall we?
One day, while Moses was cleaning out his closet, throwing out robes he hadn’t worn for over a year (because the same rules applied for closet cleaning in biblical days as they do today), there was a knock on the door of his tent. Of course Moses didn’t hear it, for knocking on doors made out of cloth was a rather futile endeavor even back in biblical times.
But Mose’s wife had excellent hearing and yelled to Moses that someone was at the door and would he mind answering it as she was in the Bathshebaroom. So Moses answered the door but it wasn’t the Lord, it was a spy the Lord had sent to go to the land of Canaan to bring back some fruit and to find out if the people there were going to be hard or easy to slaughter on a scale of one to ten, one being cinchy and ten being No Way Jose!
The conversation might have gone something like this:
Moses: So are the people in Canaan going to be hard to slaughter or easy?
Spy: Icksnay on the easy-ay
Moses: Uh is that a yes or a no . . . my Pig Latin’s a little rusty, sorry.
Spy: Let’s put it this way, everybody there was at least 40 cubits tall.
Moses: I’m terrible with weights and measures, sorry . . .
Spy: Well you know how big a grasshopper is compared to us?
Moses: That depends . . . is a grasshopper the same as a locust?
Spy: Well, I’ve got a grasshopper in my pocket, see how big he is?
Moses: Oh my gosh!
Spy: Yeah, well that’s how big we are compared to the people we are supposed to slaughter.
Moses: Uh oh . . .
Spy: Suffice it to say, Moses, that these people are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.
Moses: Oy! And what does suffice mean again?
Spy: It means they are going to whoop our donkeys!
Moses: I don’t like the sounds of that! Perhaps as a precautionary measure we should hide our asses before battle.
Spy: Uh, I don’t think there’s going to be any battle. On the way over here all the unwashed masses were murmuring and mumbling about how they weren’t going to go to war.
Moses: All the unwashed masses murmured that?
Spy: Yes and mumbled it too.
Moses: Oy! But what about the washed masses?
Spy: Six of one, half a dozen of the other, you know what I mean?
Seconds later, the Lord showed up on his pillar cloud and told Moses that because the unwashed masses didn’t want to go into battle, the Lord was going to kill each and every one of them including their children and grandchildren — then scatter their corpses across the wilderness, so Moses thought it might be a good time to stage a drunk with power intervention for God.
Moses pointed out to the Lord, that if the Lord killed everybody, He would besmirch His reputation as a Huggable Teddy Bear Stuffed with Loving Kindness who traveled around the land in His Cloud Pillar answering prayers and whatnot.
But the Lord was unmoved by Moses’ intervention and sent everyone scurrying to go to battle with the giants of Canaan. Naturally every Israelite that went to battle the giants was stepped on and squished in the first three minutes and the ones that weren’t got a good dousing of raid Raid Ant and Israelite Spray.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s installment of The Bible According to Gregory. Stayed to tuned next week for more biblical adventures!
Until next time . . . I love you