Gregory’s Bible Stories: Eve’s Killer Apple Pie

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how it came about that Eve served Adam the fruit from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory

One day shortly after God created Adam and Eve and left them to their own devices in the Garden of Eden, Eve said to Adam:

“What’s the matter, honey?  Is all the yard work getting you down again?”

“Well, the garden is a beautiful place and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I would have been just as happy with a paradise that didn’t have such a big yard.  All this tilling is aggravating my old rib-cage injury something awful.  Can you get me an ice pack?”

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty again?”

“No  honey.  I’m just stating a fact. Part of me wishes God would have creatd the Condo of Eden instead of the Garden of Eden, that’s all.”

“Well, how about I cook you up your favorite dinner? That will cheer you up.”

“Goat Noodle Casserole?”

“That’s your favorite dinner?  I thought it was goatloaf?”

“Listen honey, no offense but your goatloaf is a little dry. ”

“God liked it.”

“Did He tell you that?”

“No, I could just tell by the way his face lit up like a thousands suns when he ate it.”

“No offense, honey, but that’s pretty much His resting face.”

“Why are you being such a brat?”

“I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to be.  Tell you what.  Why don’t you bake me a nice pie for dessert.”

“Okay!  How about my famous Fig Leaf Pie?”

“Well, honey . . . uh . . .  frankly, your Fig Leaf Pie is only famous because it’s so dry.”

“Did God tell you that?”

“Yes.”

“Well! That makes me not want to invite God over for dinner anymore.”

“Don’t be mad honey.  You know what?  I heard that a fruit called the apple makes a pretty good pie.”

“Who told you that?”

“I don’t remember exactly.  I think it was one of those creeping things that creepeth upon the earth.”

“And it could talk?”

“Non-stop!”

“Okay, well you stay here and rest your side, Adam, and I’ll go out and have a talk with this creeping thing and see if it will show me where the apple tree is.”

“Uh . . Okay but seems to me it wasn’t called an apple tree though.”

“Oh really?  What was it called?”

“The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.”

“That’s unnecessarily long.  I’m just going to call it the apple tree.  If you need me I’ll be out picking apples . . .”

“Okay honey.  Have fun!  Oh and before you go would you mind grabbing me an ice pack on your way out?”

“Yeah sure.”

“. . . and a Bud Light?”

“Yeah sure.”

And that concludes Gregory’s bible stories for this week, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week for the further adventures of all the people in the bible.

Until next time . . . I love you

PIE-FOR-ADAM
Eve’s Killer Apple Pie

Eve’s Killer Apple Pie

8 apples from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil

1/2  bushel goat butter

I beehive honey

2/3 shekel cinnamon

Preheat flames to medium roar

Cook until sunset

Serves:  0 to 3 (depending on dryness)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God created Adam and Eve.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Adam Takes a Wife Please

When Adam lived alone in the garden of Eden, the Lord noticed that Adam wasn’t doing so well.  First of all, the garden was a mess.  There were banana peels and watermelon rinds and half-eaten figs piled everywhere. Even though it was Adam’s job to be the guardian of the garden, he kept forgetting to water the plants and the last time he had actually mowed the lawn was never.

Most of the time all Adam wanted to do was sit in a big pile of leaves and stare straight ahead imagining how much better his life would be if God would create two teams of men who dressed up in cool outfits and tackled each other.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.”

And Adam rubbed his hands together and thought, “Hot Diggity Dog!”

But when God took some soil and started forming animals and birds, Adam’s smile quickly faded.

God:  What’s the matter Adam?  Don’t you like the animals I’m creating?  Lookee this one!  It’s got fur, a bill and webbed feet!  Isn’t it hilarious?

Adam:  Meh . . .

God:  Ah come on, Sport!  Cheer up!  I’m going to let you name them all.

Adam: But I don’t want to name all those stupid animals you’re creating.  That’s just another chore.  I never have any fun.

God:  Uh oh . . . I know a man who got up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.

Adam:  Stop making that joke, Dad, it’s not funny.

God:  Okay, but try taking another look at this animal with the bill and the fur and the webbed feet and just try to keep a straight face!

Later

God:   . . . and so this last one you want to call a Walrus?  How do you want to spell that?  With two r’s?

Adam:  You know what, Dad?  I hate to break it to you, but not one of the birds or animals you created is a suitable companion for me.

God:  What?  Not even the goldfish with their bubbly little smiles?

Adam:  No Dad.

God:  But why not?

Adam:  They can’t talk, they can’t cook, and they wouldn’t know a decorative pillow if their life depended on it.

God:  Oh I see what you’re getting at.  Here swallow this.

Adam:  What is it?

God:  Nyquil.

About an hour later Adam opened his eyes and Eve was standing before him.

God:  Welp.  What do ya think?

Adam:  At last here is one of my own kind.  Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh.  Woman is her name because she is taken out of man. Thanks Dad.

God:  No problem.

Adam:  Oh and Dad?

God:  Yeah?

Adam:  Before you go, how would you feel about creating two teams of men in really cool outfits, an oblong ball made out of pigskin — because I know you just created those pigs– I was thinking maybe it would be fun to watch them try to keep the ball from each other and whatnot.

God:  But while you’re watching them do that what will Eve be doing?

Adam:  Oh I don’t know.  She could be walking  in the garden, making new friends, sampling fruit . . .

God:  That sounds harmless enough.  I’ll do it!

Adam:  Hot diggity dog!

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Eve gives Adam a decorative Pillow
“Here honey, I made this for you.”     “Thanks!  What is it?       “A decorative pillow.”

 

 

 

 

Elisha, The Bible’s First Groupie

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School. 

Every week Gregory comes home and retells what he learned about.

This week Gregory learned about the profit Elijah and his devoted follower, Elisha.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

 

Elisha, The Bible’s First Groupie 

 

Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than today. On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two biblical prophets named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred) who were touring the holy land.

Eli was a prophet and a  traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan, following Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog.

Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore:

Eli:  Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven.  So I’ll see ya around.

Fred:    Yeah but where are you going now?

Eli:   The Jordan River.

Fred:  Oh I love the Jordon River!  I’ll come too!

Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.

Fred:  But I see plenty of room in the cart!

Eli:  Yeah, but I like to stretch out and whatnot . . . .

Fred:   Oh right!  Gotcha!  I’ll just run along behind.

When they got to the Jordon River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, Eli was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.”  (This was way before swimming had been invented.)

Fred: What?  You’re going to do some water parting?  Oh I love that!  I’ll come too!

Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.

Eli:  Hey listen Fred.  I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind  comes to get me.  So what would you like?

Fred:  For moi!  Really?  Oh gosh.  I need so many things.  Some new sandals maybe?

Eli:  Great new sandals it is!

Fred:  But then again I could use a new cloak.  This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.

Eli:  Great.

Fred:  No wait!  I know!  I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!

Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!” And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.

A Biblical Nervous Breakdown

Fred was so grief stricken, when Eli left, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails.  (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)

Then Fred spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on.  Seconds later, the Jordon River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him if he wanted them to.

Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that that Eli was nowhere to be found.

But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain . . .

And there you have it, Dear Readers, Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next Sunday to find out what happens  to Fred and his cloak.

Until next time . . . I love you

Elijah Ascends on the Lord's fiery chariot to heaven