Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please


Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God created Adam and Eve.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Adam Takes a Wife Please

When Adam lived alone in the garden of Eden, the Lord noticed that Adam wasn’t doing so well.  First of all, the garden was a mess.  There were banana peels and watermelon rinds and half-eaten figs piled everywhere. Even though it was Adam’s job to be the guardian of the garden, he kept forgetting to water the plants and the last time he had actually mowed the lawn was never.

Most of the time all Adam wanted to do was sit in a big pile of leaves and stare straight ahead imagining how much better his life would be if God would create two teams of men who dressed up in cool outfits and tackled each other.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.”

And Adam rubbed his hands together and thought, “Hot Diggity Dog!”

But when God took some soil and started forming animals and birds, Adam’s smile quickly faded.

God:  What’s the matter Adam?  Don’t you like the animals I’m creating?  Lookee this one!  It’s got fur, a bill and webbed feet!  Isn’t it hilarious?

Adam:  Meh . . .

God:  Ah come on, Sport!  Cheer up!  I’m going to let you name them all.

Adam: But I don’t want to name all those stupid animals you’re creating.  That’s just another chore.  I never have any fun.

God:  Uh oh . . . I know a man who got up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.

Adam:  Stop making that joke, Dad, it’s not funny.

God:  Okay, but try taking another look at this animal with the bill and the fur and the webbed feet and just try to keep a straight face!

Later

God:   . . . and so this last one you want to call a Walrus?  How do you want to spell that?  With two r’s?

Adam:  You know what, Dad?  I hate to break it to you, but not one of the birds or animals you created is a suitable companion for me.

God:  What?  Not even the goldfish with their bubbly little smiles?

Adam:  No Dad.

God:  But why not?

Adam:  They can’t talk, they can’t cook, and they wouldn’t know a decorative pillow if their life depended on it.

God:  Oh I see what you’re getting at.  Here swallow this.

Adam:  What is it?

God:  Nyquil.

About an hour later Adam opened his eyes and Eve was standing before him.

God:  Welp.  What do ya think?

Adam:  At last here is one of my own kind.  Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh.  Woman is her name because she is taken out of man. Thanks Dad.

God:  No problem.

Adam:  Oh and Dad?

God:  Yeah?

Adam:  Before you go, how would you feel about creating two teams of men in really cool outfits, an oblong ball made out of pigskin — because I know you just created those pigs– I was thinking maybe it would be fun to watch them try to keep the ball from each other and whatnot.

God:  But while you’re watching them do that what will Eve be doing?

Adam:  Oh I don’t know.  She could be walking  in the garden, making new friends, sampling fruit . . .

God:  That sounds harmless enough.  I’ll do it!

Adam:  Hot diggity dog!

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Eve gives Adam a decorative Pillow
“Here honey, I made this for you.”     “Thanks!  What is it?       “A decorative pillow.”

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please

  1. Its the Ammonites. They are trying to smite you ‘cos you gave them a bad write-up.

    “…and the Ammonites did rise up and did chew through the phone lines of they who pressed the Word that was Mocking. And many were the Comments without Avatar. And there was much vague irritation.” (Ammonites 3: 26)

  2. LOL!! Where were you when the bible was being written? They needed you (at least for editorial comment). And I knew it was you, Loop, the minute you mentioned Ammonites! I really did. 😀

  3. Honey child, you dun good… (spelling is deliberate….)

    Bloody brilliant! I about choked on my coffee in that second paragraph…. So accurate!….

    And, Adam’s first response to the platypus, “Meh”….

    All the way through, I grinned….

    Perfect sarcasm disguised as smarm….

    Well done.

    And, just flat out too f-ing funny!

    gigoid

    😎

  4. Ned! Thank you so much! Effing funny I consider high praise indeed. And don’t you get the feeling that God was laughing at his own platypus joke for like thousands of years after it wasn’t funny anymore? Which just gave me an idea for next week’s bible story . . . hot diggity dog!

  5. Now I know why Connie keeps wanting me to try those decorative pillows–she wants me to share the guilt. The last thing I want to do is get kicked out of the Garden of Goshen and have to make a living by the sweat of my brow. According to Wall Street the market for brow sweat is at an all-time low. Even lower than decorative pillows, if you can believe that.

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