Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God created Adam and Eve.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Adam Takes a Wife Please

When Adam lived alone in the garden of Eden, the Lord noticed that Adam wasn’t doing so well.  First of all, the garden was a mess.  There were banana peels and watermelon rinds and half-eaten figs piled everywhere. Even though it was Adam’s job to be the guardian of the garden, he kept forgetting to water the plants and the last time he had actually mowed the lawn was never.

Most of the time all Adam wanted to do was sit in a big pile of leaves and stare straight ahead imagining how much better his life would be if God would create two teams of men who dressed up in cool outfits and tackled each other.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.”

And Adam rubbed his hands together and thought, “Hot Diggity Dog!”

But when God took some soil and started forming animals and birds, Adam’s smile quickly faded.

God:  What’s the matter Adam?  Don’t you like the animals I’m creating?  Lookee this one!  It’s got fur, a bill and webbed feet!  Isn’t it hilarious?

Adam:  Meh . . .

God:  Ah come on, Sport!  Cheer up!  I’m going to let you name them all.

Adam: But I don’t want to name all those stupid animals you’re creating.  That’s just another chore.  I never have any fun.

God:  Uh oh . . . I know a man who got up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.

Adam:  Stop making that joke, Dad, it’s not funny.

God:  Okay, but try taking another look at this animal with the bill and the fur and the webbed feet and just try to keep a straight face!

Later

God:   . . . and so this last one you want to call a Walrus?  How do you want to spell that?  With two r’s?

Adam:  You know what, Dad?  I hate to break it to you, but not one of the birds or animals you created is a suitable companion for me.

God:  What?  Not even the goldfish with their bubbly little smiles?

Adam:  No Dad.

God:  But why not?

Adam:  They can’t talk, they can’t cook, and they wouldn’t know a decorative pillow if their life depended on it.

God:  Oh I see what you’re getting at.  Here swallow this.

Adam:  What is it?

God:  Nyquil.

About an hour later Adam opened his eyes and Eve was standing before him.

God:  Welp.  What do ya think?

Adam:  At last here is one of my own kind.  Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh.  Woman is her name because she is taken out of man. Thanks Dad.

God:  No problem.

Adam:  Oh and Dad?

God:  Yeah?

Adam:  Before you go, how would you feel about creating two teams of men in really cool outfits, an oblong ball made out of pigskin — because I know you just created those pigs– I was thinking maybe it would be fun to watch them try to keep the ball from each other and whatnot.

God:  But while you’re watching them do that what will Eve be doing?

Adam:  Oh I don’t know.  She could be walking  in the garden, making new friends, sampling fruit . . .

God:  That sounds harmless enough.  I’ll do it!

Adam:  Hot diggity dog!

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Eve gives Adam a decorative Pillow
“Here honey, I made this for you.”     “Thanks!  What is it?       “A decorative pillow.”

 

 

 

 

Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories. 

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday School. Every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about King David.  Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon HumorKing David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Once there was a king named David.  David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot.  Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David  would have used a  yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.

A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that, what with all the slaughterings, and what with all  the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant.  D oy h!

When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark  from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim  in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.

So the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio,  had decided to sell it in their yard sale.

When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.

Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:

King David:  So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?

Mr. Abinadab:  We’re asking 25 goats.

King David:  25 goats?  That seems a little steep.  Does it come with coasters?

Mr. Abinadab:  You don’t need any.  You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark.  I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was heavenly!

King David:  Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take five goats for it?

Mr. Abinadab:  How about twelve goats and a chicken?

King David:  I’ll give you seven goats and  half a chicken . . .

Mr. Abinadab:  It will have to be seven goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.

Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted  and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection inside.

King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons, Ahio andAzzuh, the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.

Mr. Abinadab:  Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that?  They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.

King David:  Ha ha!  Well that’s to be expected.  Don’t tell me!  2 mph  in a 1 mph zone?

Mr. Abinadab: No, 3 mph in a 1 mph zone!

King David:  How is that possible?

Mr. Abinadab:  Tailwind.

As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.

Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark.  His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.

“La la la la la la la uh oh!”
“La la la la la la la what’s wrong?”
“Did you just la la la la la feel that tailwind?”

Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.

“One two three four five six and sacrifice one two three four five six and sacrifice one two . . .”

Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his two one son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenant Fudge was heavenly.

 

“Careful, watch the fudge!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please come by next week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God created Adam and Eve.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Adam Takes a Wife Please

When Adam lived alone in the garden of Eden, the Lord noticed that Adam wasn’t doing so well.  First of all, the garden was a mess.  There were banana peels and watermelon rinds and half-eaten figs piled everywhere. Even though it was Adam’s job to be the guardian of the garden, he kept forgetting to water the plants and the last time he had actually mowed the lawn was never.

Most of the time all Adam wanted to do was sit in a big pile of leaves and stare straight ahead imagining how much better his life would be if God would create two teams of men who dressed up in cool outfits and tackled each other.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.”

And Adam rubbed his hands together and thought, “Hot Diggity Dog!”

But when God took some soil and started forming animals and birds, Adam’s smile quickly faded.

God:  What’s the matter Adam?  Don’t you like the animals I’m creating?  Lookee this one!  It’s got fur, a bill and webbed feet!  Isn’t it hilarious?

Adam:  Meh . . .

God:  Ah come on, Sport!  Cheer up!  I’m going to let you name them all.

Adam: But I don’t want to name all those stupid animals you’re creating.  That’s just another chore.  I never have any fun.

God:  Uh oh . . . I know a man who got up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.

Adam:  Stop making that joke, Dad, it’s not funny.

God:  Okay, but try taking another look at this animal with the bill and the fur and the webbed feet and just try to keep a straight face!

Later

God:   . . . and so this last one you want to call a Walrus?  How do you want to spell that?  With two r’s?

Adam:  You know what, Dad?  I hate to break it to you, but not one of the birds or animals you created is a suitable companion for me.

God:  What?  Not even the goldfish with their bubbly little smiles?

Adam:  No Dad.

God:  But why not?

Adam:  They can’t talk, they can’t cook, and they wouldn’t know a decorative pillow if their life depended on it.

God:  Oh I see what you’re getting at.  Here swallow this.

Adam:  What is it?

God:  Nyquil.

About an hour later Adam opened his eyes and Eve was standing before him.

God:  Welp.  What do ya think?

Adam:  At last here is one of my own kind.  Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh.  Woman is her name because she is taken out of man. Thanks Dad.

God:  No problem.

Adam:  Oh and Dad?

God:  Yeah?

Adam:  Before you go, how would you feel about creating two teams of men in really cool outfits, an oblong ball made out of pigskin — because I know you just created those pigs– I was thinking maybe it would be fun to watch them try to keep the ball from each other and whatnot.

God:  But while you’re watching them do that what will Eve be doing?

Adam:  Oh I don’t know.  She could be walking  in the garden, making new friends, sampling fruit . . .

God:  That sounds harmless enough.  I’ll do it!

Adam:  Hot diggity dog!

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Eve gives Adam a decorative Pillow
“Here honey, I made this for you.”     “Thanks!  What is it?       “A decorative pillow.”

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Barbecued Goat Caper

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how Jonathan and his trusty sidekick got the best of a bunch of Philistines in 1 Samuel 14.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Jonathan and the Barbecued Goat Caper

One day King Saul’s son, Jonathan, was walking around the holy land with his sidekick, Young Man, whose sole job it was to carry Jonathan’s weapons — when Jonathan got the idea to crash the camp of some heathen Philistines.

Jonathan:  Mm . . . do you smell what I smell?

Young Man Whose Sole Job It Was To Carry Jonathan’s Weapons:  Yeah smells like some heathen Philistines are barbecuing some delicious goat!

Jonathan:  Exactamento! I really want to go over there.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Yes but to get over there we will have to cross a pass that has two huge jagged rocks . . .

Jonathan:  Jagged schmagged.  Maybe the Lord will help us.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

Jonathan: All right, then,  we’re going to crawl between the jagged rocks and if the Philistines tell us to wait then we will; but if they tell us to come it will mean the Lord has given us victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW: How do know these things?

Jonathan:  I dunno.

When the heathen Philistines saw Jonathan and his sidekick, YMWSJIWTCJW, crawling through the rocks they said in unison, “Look some Hebrews are coming out of the holes they have been hiding in!  Come on up here, we have something to tell you!”

Jonathan:  Did you hear that, YMWSJIWTCJW?  They have something to tell us. That means the lord has given Israel victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Oh . .

Jonathan:  What wrong?  You sound disappointed.

YMWSJIWTCJW: I was kinda hoping it meant they saved us some barbecued goat.

Jonathan:  Don’t you ever think of anything but your stomach?

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Let me put it this way.  Are you going to eat the rest of your fig?

Jonathan:  Sigh . . go for it.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Thanks!  You want I should kill the Philistines now?

Jonathan:  Uh . . . let me knock them down first.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next!

Until next time . . . I love you

Jonathan's Daring Deed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Tower of abel-Bay

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how all of Noah’s descendants got together to build the Tower of Babel, and he couldn’t help imagining how that might have happened.

GregoryThe Tower of abel-Bay

Even though Noah lived to be 950 years old, he never topped the time he saved the animal kingdom and mankind from extinction.  Still, he kept busy puttering in his vineyard and joking with his sons about how many grandkids it would take to put oil in a lamp.

After awhile though, there were so many kids being born that parents quickly ran out of the easy to pronounce names, like Gomer, and had to resort to giving them names that were so hard to pronounce everybody just called everybody else “hey you in the robe.”

Then they all wandered around together veering east, until they came to a  really nice valley in the land of Shi’nar so they decided to build a city there and call it Babylon in lieu of Shi’nar — thus circumventing thousands of years of annoying apostrophe placement questions in one simple decision.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey everybody!  Doesn’t this look like a really nice place to build a city?  Let’s name it Babylon.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Why Babylon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Because we’re all more or less a baby of Noah.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Okay that explains the baby — but why the lon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Lon means city.

Hey you in the robe #2:  No it doesn’t!

Hey you in the robe #1:  What are you, an attorney?

Hey you in the robe #2:   I’m a linguist.

Hey you in the robe #1:  How’s business?

Hey you in the robe #2:   Pretty slow what with everyone speaking the same language using the same words and whatnot.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Dude, you’re complicating my buzz!

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

And thus it was decided to build a city and call it Babylon, and it was also decided to build a tower with its “top in the heavens” so that they could make a name for themselves by replacing the banner that said “If you lived here you’d be home now!” with whatever their names were.

Hey you in the robe #1:  What do you want to build the city out of?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Let’s make bricks and stick them together with tar!  What’s wrong, you look disappointed?

Hey you in the robe #1:  I was kind of hoping we’d use Legos.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

Tissot_Building_the_Tower_of_Babel
“Do you still want the Legos?”
“Nah, we have to use bricks.”
“Says who?”
“Hey you in the robe.”
“That guy bugs me.”

After the city and the tower were built, the Lord came down for a site inspection.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Well how do you like it, Lord?

But the lord only answered by saying out loud to himself and his new heavenly companions that he met on Faceofgodbook, “This is just the beginning of what they will do, soon they will be able to do anything they want!  Let us go down and mix up the languages so that they will not understand each other.”

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey you in the robe #2, what did the Lord mean when he said that?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Icksnay on the Owertay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  Come again?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Lord no likee.  We’re all being ansferredtray.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Where toski?

Hey you in the robe #2: evelandclay.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Oway itshay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  You can say that againski!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, how Gregory imagined what really happened at the Tower of Babel. Be sure to check back next Sunday to see what Gregory learns in Sunday School!

Until next time . . . I love you

Tower of Babel

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned how God decided to destroy all living things on earth . . . again — that is until he got sidetracked.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

At one point, deep inside the bible, the Lord was getting jealouser and jealouser because he was losing a lot of his worshipers to other gods.  Some worshipers were totally into worshiping a god named Baal (Baaleibers). While others camped out on the roof all day worshiping the sun (and getting a heck of a tan in the process) while still others were putting their prayer hands together for an obscure god named Milcom.

It just so happens that during this period of turmoil, the prophet, Zephaniah, was God’s go-to prophet.  One day while Zephaniah was busy staring at his goat, the Lord spoke:

The Lord:  Zephaniah!   I am going to destroy everything on earth, all human beings and animals, birds and fish and I will bring about the downfall of the wicked.  I will destroy all mankind and no survivors will be left, I, the Lord, have spoken, Zephaniah!  Are you listening?

Zephaniah:  Yeah sure.  I’m listening.

The Lord:  Then take your eyes off your goat and look at Me!

Zephaniah:  I would but I can’t see You,  I can only hear You.

The Lord:  Well at least have the courtesy of looking in the direction you think My voice is coming from.

Zephaniah:  But it’s coming from inside my head.

The Lord:  In that case go ahead and stare at your goat.

Zephaniah:  Thanks!

The Lord:  Now where was I?

Zephaniah:  You were saying how you were going to destroy everyone and everything on earth.

The Lord:  Ah yes . . .

Zephaniah:  So what are you going to do create another flood or something?

The Lord:  No, that would make Me miss Noah too much.  I don’t usually play favorites, but if Noah were here now I’d give him such an Almighty Noogie.

Zephaniah: Where is Noah now?

The Lord:  Who knows?

Zephaniah:  You mean he’s not in heaven?

The Lord:  Ha ha ha! Just messin’ with your head, kid. You’ll get used to it the way Moses did.  Remind me to tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses back in Exodus 4:24-26.

Zephaniah:  But why?

The Lord:  I don’t remember.  I think maybe I had low-blood sugar or something. But don’t worry, I”m not going to try to kill you, Zephaniah . . . much . . . Ha ha ha!

Zephaniah:  You’re kidding, right?

The Lord:  Sort of.

Zephaniah:  So what did you want me to tell the people?  That you are going to destroy the world?

The Lord: Basically I’m going to punish everyone who worships the wrong god,  it will be a day of fury, a day of trouble and distress. But I will spare all the humble and lowly people and at the end of their ordeal and they will sing “A Song of Joy” that tries to rhyme “Israel” with “Jerusalem” but nobody will object because they are too humble and lowly.

Zephaniah:  Sounds good. Can I go now?

The Lord:  No. I have a lot more describing to do about how I’m going to punish and destroy and slaughter evil people for being so evil, but I’m getting hungry for lunch.

Zephaniah:  I need to go to the market, but I’ll see if I can scrounge up something up for You.

The Lord:  Okay don’t go to too much trouble. I’m not picky.  You can just throw a quart of olive oil and some unleavened bread on the alter,  and maybe a ram or two . . . Do you have any donkey radish?

Zephaniah:  No sorry.

The Lord:  How about just a donkey then?

Zephaniah:  Fresh out of donkeys.  Let’s see here . . . hmm . . . looks like I only have four pigeons left . . .

The Lord:  Great I’ll have those.

Zephaniah:  Okay . . . oops . . .  nevermind . . . they’re  molt-y.

The Lord:  Okay just give me that goat your staring at.

Zephaniah:  But if I give you the goat I’m staring at what will I stare at?

The Lord:  Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses?

Zephaniah:  One goat comin’ right up!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, the day God was going to destroy the world, but luckily got sidetracked! Check back every Sunday to find out what new story Gregory will learn in Sunday school.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Baal Baby Sacrificingt
“Thanks, but if you don’t have any donkey radish to go with, forget it.”

 

when bad things happen to good moses's

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Ezekiel’s Flip Side

 

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned  Ezekiel’s unusual experience with the Lord, part II.

Ezekiel’s Flip Side

If you will remember last week, our biblical hero, Ezekiel, was well on his way to becoming  the Lord’s first 500-pound prophet after feasting on a chocolate-covered scroll that contained 1,437,118,227,922,091,561,403 grams of sugar and that caused his papyrus allergy to kick in like gangbusters. But God wasn’t done with Ezekiel yet, not by a long shot.

Somewhere in an undisclosed holy land location:

God:  Mortal Man, get a brick and set it in front of you and scratch lines on it to represent the cit of Jerusalem.

Ezekiel:  Okay but first would it be possible to get something for these hives, God?  I can’t stop scratching.

God:  How’d you get hives?

Ezekiel:  From eating that papyrus scroll, remember?  I told you I was allergic to papyrus.

God:  But that scroll wasn’t made from papyrus, it was made from animal hide.

Ezekiel:  Uh oh.  Chipmunk by any chance?

God:  As a matter of fact yes it was.  How did you know that?

Ezekiel: My chipmunk allergy is even worse than my papyrus allergy.

God:   Is that why your eyes are swollen shut?

Ezekiel:  Yeah.

God:  Oh okay, I was wondering but I didn’t want to say anything.  You know, maybe I better come back another time and have you do the rest of the stuff on my list.

Ezekiel:  No!  Absolutely not. I can do it!  I can still see a little bit.

God:  Are you sure?

Ezekiel:  Of course, what are prophets for if not to carry out Your quirky plans, God!

God:  Well then after you scratch Jerusalem on a brick, I want you to represent a siege of the city by putting trenches, earthworks, camps and battering rams around it.

Ezekiel:  Wait a minute, you want me to dig trenches and earthworks, and put battering rams around it?  I mean, can one guy even lift a battering ram?  They’ve got to weigh a ton.

God:  Just like you ha ha!

Ezekiel:  Excuse me?

God:  No I was just saying the exercise will do you good.  You could use to drop a few pounds or 250.

Ezekiel:  Okay my robe’s too tight I get it.   Is that it?

God:  No.  After that I want you to take an iron pan and set it up like a wall between you and the city.

Ezekiel:  I don’t have an iron pan.

God:  You don’t have an iron pan?  Get out?  We’re living in modern biblical times! Nowadays, everybody and their goat has an iron pan! How do you make all those grilled Chebar cheese sandwiches you’ve been stuffing in your face nonstop with your exile homeys down at the Chebar River without an iron pan?

Ezekiel:  Well, if you must know,  I usually get one of my slaves to cook or if they’re on vacation, I get one of my wives to cook or if they are all dying in childbirth, I get one of my concubines to go for take out.

God:    Well, the next thing I want you to do is lie down.

Ezekiel:  Sweet! Now You’re talkin’!

God:  Yeah I knew you’d like that part but it involves a little more than just lying down.

Ezekiel:  Like what?

God:  I want you to lie on your side and I’m going to place on you the weight of the guilt of Israel.

Ezekiel:  Uh . . . that sounds pretty heavy.  How much weight are we talking?

God: A lot but probably less than what you weigh ha ha!  Anyways, I’m going to want you to do that for 390 days and then after that roll over on your other side for 40 days.

Ezekiel:  Question:  do I have to lie on the ground or do I get to lie on a mattress.

God:  What’s a mattress?

 

Dad kept telling me to go into the family goat business, but oh no! I had to be a prophet!
Wait a minute.  It  says this contains lead.  Oh well I think that’s good.

430 Days Later:

God:  Hey Ezekiel!  You can get up now.  How are you doing?

Ezekiel:  Oy my back is stiff!  And my hives are still driving me crazy and I’ve got a horrible headache.

God:  Just for future reference?  Whenever I ask how you’re are doing, it’s rhetorical. But hey! You look like you’ve lost weight! You’re robe’s not nearly as tight.

Ezekiel: I know I may have to go new robe shopping after this!

God:  Okay, but first what I want you to do is fix your eyes on the siege of Jerusalem, shake your fist at the city and prophesy against it.

Ezekiel:  But my eyes are swollen shut, remember?

God:  Still?  Hahaha!  Well listen I’m going to go jump in my unidentified flying biblical object and get you ice to put on them.

Ezekiel:  Okay.  Oh, say, God . . . if you happen to go by a chocolate-covered scroll drive-thru would you mind picking me up a few chocolate-covered scrolls and also a couple Chebar cheese goat burgers while you’re at it?

God:  Eeeezeeekiiieeelll!  Just when you’re robe is finally fitting right . . .

Ezekiel:  Okay okay nevermind!

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  What Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back next week for part three when Ezekiel gets are really bad haircut and hilarity ensues.

 

I'm going for ice! BRB!
I’m going on an ice run!  BRB!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Jesus and the Foot Washing Incident

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about Jesus and forgiveness. 

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us all about it.

gregoryJesus and the Foot Washing  Incident

One day Jesus was invited to have dinner at the house of Simon, the Pharisee. The Pharisees were a group of middle-class biblical businessmen who hung around the Chamber of Commerce every waking minute to make sure everyone followed all the rules correctly.

Jesus and Simon were just sitting down to dinner when a woman who leads a sinful life knocked at the door:

Simon:  Who is it?

Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life:  It’s me.  The woman who leads a sinful life.

Simon:  Can you narrow it down a little?

WWLASL:  I’m the woman who leads a sinful life and carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever I go?

Simon:  Hm. . . wait a minute . . . you’re not the woman who leads a sinful life who carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever she goes and has hundreds cats are you?

WWLASL:  No that’s my sister.  She’s always borrowing my alabaster jar of perfume without asking.  If you’ve ever noticed, it’s got scratches all over it.  Anyway, I heard Jesus was eating dinner with you, and I was wondering if it would be okay if I came in and stood behind him and cried.

Simon:  Is that okay with you Jesus?

Jesus:  Sure.

Simon the Pharisee opened the door and let the Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life inside and she went over to Jesus and stood behind him — by his feet, crying, and wetting his feet with her tears. (Some biblical scholars believe Jesus’s Feet were double-jointed causing them to be in the correct position for getting wet if they were being watered by the tears of a woman who was standing behind him. Still other biblical scholars believe, however, that they work too hard and went home early.)

Simon:  Excuse me?  Hey you!  Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life!  Your tears are getting Jesus’s Feet wet.

WWLASL:  Oh I’m so sorry!  Gosh this is embarrassing.  Do you have a towel–well never mind I’ll just use my beautiful, long  hair.

The Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life then kissed Jesus’s Feet, and poured all the perfume from her alabaster jar onto the Jesus’s Feet.  Simon was thinking that if Jesus really was a prophet, he would know she was the Woman Who Leads A Sinful Life.  But if Jesus knew that, he wasn’t letting on.  Instead Jesus completely changed the subject:

Jesus:  There were two men who owed money to a moneylender.  One owed him five hundred silver coins and the other one fifty.

Simon:  Oy!  This isn’t going to be another arithmetic story problem is it?

Jesus:  No don’t worry.  It’s a parable.  Anyway, the moneylender canceled the debts. Which man would love him more?

Simon:  Uh . . . the one who was forgiven more?

WWLASL:  Is that your final answer?

Simon:  You stay out of this.

Jesus: Do you see this woman?  I came into your home and you gave me no water for my feet, but she has washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You did not welcome me with a kiss but she has not stopped kissing my feet since I came. You provided no olive oil for my head but she has covered my feet with perfume.

Simon:  Am I correct in assuming, then, that my killer recipe for Simon The Pharisees  Tuna Noodle Casserole Delight didn’t make up for all that?

But if Jesus heard Simon’s question, there is no record of it in the bible.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

"What's this?" "What's what?" "I don't know, it  looks like tuna casserole."
“What’s this?”
“What’s what?”
“I don’t know, it looks kinda like tuna noodle casserole.”

 

Saul, the Yardstick That Became a Ruler

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about when Saul was anointed as Ruler of Israel.  Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us about the lesson.

gregorySaul, the Yardstick That Became a Ruler

Once there was a wealthy man named Kish who forgot to tie up his donkeys, and they all ran away.  So Kish sent his son Saul to find them. Saul Kished his father goodbye and set out on foot with his servant to the country of Ephraim which in those days was the donkey capital of the world.

Now, in biblical times, Saul was the sexiest man alive.  Not only was he handsome, but he was also a foot taller than everyone else in Israel.  Some biblical scholars believe his height was approximately two yardsticks tall, while other biblical scholars believe he was probably only six feet tall, while still other biblical scholars believe he was just wearing lifts. (Whatever it was, from Saul’s elevated vantage point, all he saw when he looked around was a sea of crooked yarmulkes.)

When Saul and his servant arrived at Zuph, they’d had enough of looking for donkeys.

Saul:  Let’s go back home or my father might stop worrying about donkeys and start worrying about us.

Servant:  Ha ha!  You actually made a little bit of a joke, Saul.

Saul:  What’s a joke?

Servant:  You know, it’s humor.

Saul:  You mean like body fluid humor such as blood, lymph or bile?

Servant:  No, I mean like humorous humor as in funny.  You’re a funny guy.

Saul:  Funny like I’m a clown?  Like I make you laugh? Like I’m here to amuse you?  How am I funny?  Funny how?

Servant:  No! Saul!  I guess what I meant was humor as in bile humor.  I always get those two mixed up!  Sorry Saul.

Saul:  Forget about it!  Now get over here and let me straighten up your yarmulke!

Servant:  Hey I just remembered something!

Saul:  I hope it doesn’t have anything to do with humor.

Servant:  No, there’s a seer in this town. If we give him a nickel, he can tell us where the donkeys are.

Saul:  I don’t want to give him a nickel.

Servant:  No I meant if I give him a nickel.

Saul:   Well what are we waiting for?  Let’s go!

As Saul and his servant were going up the hill to the town, they met some girls who were coming out to draw water:

Saul:  Excuse me.   Do you girls know if there’s a seer in town?

Girl #1:  A Sears?  No.  Our town’s pretty small.  We don’t even have a Walmart.

Saul:  Am I to understand that you mean you don’t have a wall around which your town is surrounded whereupon a mart lies within?

Girl: #1:  I guess.

Just then Saul and his servant ran into Samuel who was very important person in Israel, not quite a king, but way more than a mayor.  Samuel was the seer that Saul’s Servant said Saul would see (with or without six seashells by the seashore).

"Are you the seer?" "Yes, I'm the seer." "Well I'm just asking because your eyes are closed." "Yeah well at least I have eyes."
“Are you the seer?”
“Yes, I’m the seer.”
“Well I’m just asking because your eyes are closed.”
“Yeah well at least I have eyes.”

The day before God had told him Samuel that Saul would be coming and that Samuel was to anoint Saul as the ruler of Israel. So Samuel invited Saul to a big feast in which Saul was served the best piece of meat available at that time, a leg. (This was way before animals had breasts).

When the feast was over Samuel fixed up a nice place for Saul to sleep in his guest bedroom that also doubled as his roof.  The next morning Samuel took a jar of olive oil and poured it on Saul’s head.  “The Lord anoints you as ruler of his people of Israel,”  Samuel said, and then he gave Saul a great big ol’ Kish.

Not only am I anointing you the ruler of Israel, Saul, but this will do wonders for your dandruff.”

 And there you  have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning.  Please come back next week at this same to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Naaman’s Seven Baths

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about a commander of the army of Syria, Naaman, who was having a little trouble with his skin.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

gregoryNaaman’s Seven Baths

One biblical day about a fifth of the way through the bible, there lived in the holy land, a man named Naaman. As the commander of the Syrian army and as a close friend of the king of Syria, Naaman had it made in the shade or would have, anyway, had there been any trees.

But there was one tiny detail that tortured Naaman day and night.  You see Naaman suffered from a horrible case of biblical dry skin , a dreaded old-testament skin condition for which there was no cure.  (This was way before hand lotion was invented.)

Naaman’s dry skin condition took its toll on his life both at home and at work. Even the simplest tasks would cause him to look down at his scaly arms and legs in despair.  Whether he was relaxing at home in his hobby room organizing his slaves by height and weightor whether he was at work slicing off heads or impaling enemies, Naaman was finding it more and more difficult to enjoy the little things in life.

Then one day Naaman brought home a cute little stray Israelite slave girl for his wife who was really into taking in stray slaves.  In fact, she was known around the neighborhood as the Crazy Slave Lady.

Anyway, one day the little slave girl told Naaman’s wife that she knew of a prophet who might be able to help Naaman with his dry skin:

Naaman’s Wife:  Norman!  Good news.  I just found out that a prophet named Elisha can cure your dry skin!

Naaman:  Honey!  My name’s not Norman, it’s Naamon!

Naaman’s Wife:  It is?

So Naaman immediately went to the king of Syria and told him the news.

Naaman:  Yeah, so I just found out that there’s a prophet in Samaria who can help me with my problem.

King of Syria:  What problem is that, Norman?  Your two left feet?

Naaman:  No not that problem.

King:  Oh you mean the problem of that strange odor that is always emanating  from your personage?   Or are you referring  your propensity to whistle off-key?

Naaman:  No, I’m talking about my dry skin problem!

King:   Gross!

Naaman:  Yeah well, all I need now is a letter from you introducing me to the king of Israel along with ten thousand pieces of gold and ten changes of fine clothes and I think we can pretty much kiss my dry skin problem goodbye.

Later that day in Israel:

Naaman:   Hello King of Israel! Here’s a letter from the King of Syria introducing me, Naaman, to you.  How do you do?

King of Israel:  Hi Norman.

Naaman:  It’s  Naaman.

King of Israel:  The letter says, Norman.

Naaman:  Whatever.  Can you cure my dry skin or not?

King of Israel: Hm. . . I’m not sure.   Listen why don’t you have a seat over there in dry skin waiting area, Norman, while I consult with my wise men on this matter of great importance. Oh and help yourself to the figs, Norm.  You don’t mind if I call you Norm, do you?

Naaman:  Sure go right ahead you stupid . . .

King of Israel:  Sorry Norm, I didn’t catch that.

Naaman:  Good figs!

The King began pondering what to do by wailing, moaning and tearing at his clothes as is the standard biblical procedure for making decisions, and finally decided to do what he always did when dealing with people with dry skin issues — send them to the prophet Elisha’s house.

When Naaman arrived, Elisha sent out his servant to deliver his usual dry skin advice:

Naaman:  Hi, I’m Naaman.  I’m here to get my dry skin cured by Elisha?

Elisha’s Servant, Gehazi:  Oh yeah, he’s been expecting you Norman.   He told me to tell you to take seven baths in the Jordan River.

Naaman:  Seven whats?

At this exact moment all of  Naaman’s servants took the opportunity to explain to Naaman not only what a bath was– but also, what it meant to brush one’s teeth (or tooth in Naaman’s case).

When Naaman was finished scrubbing up, his dry skin was completely gone!  So Elisha’s servant, Gehazi, talked Naaman into giving Elisha six thousand pieces of silver and two changes of fine clothes for the bathing suggestion — which made Elisha mad because he never charged for personal hygiene advice as he felt the fresh air it created was reward enough.

But because Gehazi took money for Elisha’s advice, Elisha punished Gahazi by giving him dry skin which Gehazi was later able to cure by cutting strips of the fine clothing he received, soaking them in ointment and wrapping them around his arms and legs — a cure for dry skin which is known today as the Gehazi Strip.

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Naaman and the seven baths

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Hey Where’d You Come From?

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened after Cain killed his brother and God forced him to run away from home. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesCain Takes a Wife or Hey! Where’d You Come From?

After God kicked Cain out of Eden territory, Cain wandered around until he came to the land of Nod, known for it’s quiet motels.

After that Cain got married.  It was a pretty small wedding ceremony as Cain’s parents didn’t go because they were still mad at him for killing Abel and thought it was super unfair that if anybody killed Cain seven people would have to be killed –especially since, at that point, there were only three people on earth. (This was way before God created the calculator.)

Anyway,  if the bible knows where Cain’s wife came from it isn’t telling, but nevertheless, Cain and his wife soon had a bouncing baby boy, and they named the poor little thing Enoch.

Right away Cain started remodeling his tent, adding on a nursery and whatnot until next thing you know, Cain had added on an entire city which he also named Enoch which sometimes got confusing for them.

Mrs. Cain:  Honey have you seen Enoch?

Cain:  Have I seen it?  I built it!

Mrs. Cain:  No I mean Enoch, the baby.

Cain:  We have a baby?

Mrs. Cain:  Cain!!!

Cain: Ha ha just kidding, honey.

Mrs. Cain:  Well don’t be so cavalier.  He’s a pretty important little baby because as it stands right now there’s your mom and dad and you and me and the baby representing the entire human race.

Cain:  And we’re not even sure about you.

Mrs. Cain: Cain!!

Cain:  Ha ha just kidding, honey.

After that, Cain and his wife settled into a very quiet life in the land of Nod.  One day, Enoch got married.  (Apparently God had whipped up another batch of women while the bible wasn’t looking.)

For the next several generations, all anybody ever did was have kids and see who could come up with the most difficult names to pronounce, the uglier the better. There was Mehujael and Methushael and Lamech, and there was also a guy named Jubal who named his daughter a name not even liked by God, Zillah.

Soon the place was buzzing with people living in tents, tending livestock, learning to play harps and flutes and making all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron.  It was so noisy no one could hear anybody else calling their name — which was one of God’s biggest blessings thus far.

Right about this time Adam and Eve decided to have a third child whom they named Seth. (Adam and Eve had much better taste in names.) Seth which loosely translated means:  one who has many horribly named aunts and uncles, lived to be 807 years old, and spent most of that time addressing Christmas card envelopes.

But of all Cain’s descendants, it was Methuselah who really took the cake, living to be 969 years old, and tragically dying of birthday cake overdose.

Methusela's timely demise
Methuselah’s sad ending

Well there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned today in Sunday School today. Please check back next week for more of Gregory’s bible stories.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: What God Hath Whittled

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory couldn’t wait to get home to tell everyone about what he learned about the Garden of Eden.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesWhat God Hath Whittled

When last we left God, He had just finished making Adam out of dirt.  Adam turned out great, much better than the dust bunnies God had made the previous day — which even He had to admit didn’t resemble bunnies that much.

dust bunnie or unicorn duck
“Hm . . . maybe I should call them Unicorn Ducks instead.

Then God put Adam in the Garden of Eden that God had just planted all by Himself.  He tried to elicit Adam’s help, but Adam was horrible at taking initiative. God wanted to fire Adam and replace him with someone more competent but He came to this conclusion only after He had used the last of the dirt for potting soil.

After watching Adam live in the Garden of Eden ad nasuem, it soon became apparent to God that Adam was a bit of a mess cat. It wasn’t long before Adam had overrun the pond with dirty dishes, strewn banana peels everywhere and overflowed the laundry hamper with dirty fig leafs.

Then the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to live alone.  I will make a suitable companion to help him.”  To which Adam replied, “Hallelujah!”

So God made a quick trip to the Soil-Eleven and got some more dirt and formed all the animals and birds.  Then He brought them to Adam to see what Adam would name them.  Biblical Scholars believe the conversation might have gone something like this:

God:  So, Adam, what do you want to name this really cool animal thingie I just made that has a tail like a beaver, a bill like a duck, webbed feet and this really cool spiky-thing in the back that has poison in it?

Adam:  Kitty.

God:  Kitty.  Really?  That’s it. Kitty?

Adam:  Kittypus?

God:  That’s the best you can come up with?

Adam:  Don’t you like Kittypus?

God:  Not really.

Adam:  Is it made out of  dirt?

God:  Actually I made this one out of Playdough.

Adam:  How about Playdough Pus?

God: Okay, but only if you’re sure it won’t get mangled in the translation thousands of years from now.

Adam:  I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life — except that I hate the taste of apples.

When God realized that none of the animals was going to be a suitable companion to help Adam, He decided using dirt as a construction material just wasn’t cutting it.

But hey! Speaking of cutting it . . . –why not cut a bone out of Adam and use it to make his companion? (This was way before baling wire had been invented.)

The Lord posed this question to Himself out loud but quietly so Adam wouldn’t hear Him. But Adam did hear and tried to run away by running  around and around the Tree of Knowledge.

God tried explaining to Adam that it wasn’t going to do any good to run away because the question was rhetorical, but Adam didn’t know what rhetorical meant as, up to that point, anyway, he couldn’t stand the taste apples.

Finally, God stuck His Almighty Foot out and tripped Adam and Adam fell down into a deep sleep.  Then God thought, what bone can I take out of Adam that he won’t miss?

Then God snapped His almighty Fingers. He would take out Adam’s middle ear bone, the stirrup.  But when God went to take it out, He saw that Adam had broken it when he fell — so God had to put a cast on it instead.

Then God remembered how much fun it had been making Adam’s ribs.  All He had to do was put the mud in His hands, close His fist and Voila!  All you can eat ribs!

So the Lord God decided to use Adam’s rib to make a companion for Adam. He figured Adam would never know the difference anyway, because as much as God was loath to admit it, it was beginning to look like the Tree of Knowledge was kind of a lost cause on Adam.

So God pulled out one of Adam’s ribs and began whittling away everything that wasn’t a woman . . .

Well that’s all Gregory had time for today, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week to find out what exactly it is that God hath whittled.

Until next time . . . I love you

Just us Playdough Pusses

God Removing Adam's Rib Coloring Page
God Removing Adam’s Rib Coloring Page

 

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The Ten Commandments

Welcome, Dear Readers to the very last week of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Next week, Gregory will go back to attending regular Sunday School where the teacher will continue working her way through the bible, story by story.  

Since this is the last day of Vacation Bible School, the teacher asked Gregory to give a report about how Moses got the ten commandments.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

The Bible according to Gregory LInda Vernon HumorHow Moses Got the Ten Commandments

One bright shiny biblical morning, the Lord said to Moses, “Cut two stone tablets like the first ones, and I will write on them the words that were on the first tablets you broke. (Moses was all thumbs.)

So Moses cut two stone tablets and  lugged them all the way up to the top of Mount Sinai (the Lord’s favorite mountain).

Hey Hey You You Get Offa My Cloud!

The Lord came down in a cloud and stood with Moses, and the Lord pronounced his holy name which was pronounced “The Lord” and said to Moses, “I, the Lord, am a god who is full of compassion . . . but I will not fail to punish children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generations for the sins of their parents.” (The Lord was fond of starting his conversations in the middle of a thought.)

“I know you’re the Lord because you’re the only one I know who drives a cloud, ha ha!.”  Is what Moses might have wanted to say as well as point out to the Lord that keeping track of which grandkids of all those sinning great-grandparents to punish was going to be a real headache.

But the Lord was already onto the His next topic.  “I, the Lord, am going to do an awesome thing for you.”

“For Moi, Moses?”

“Oui ! Si! Ja! Da!” said the Lord who was toying with some new languages.

The Lord Smites the “ites”.

Then the Lord began listing all those he would drive out of their homes so his favorite kid, Moses, and all his friends could move in.  Moses knew from past experience that this was going to take a while, so he pulled up a rock and  began cleaning his fingernails with the hem of his robe.

“There’s the Amorites, the Canannites,” the Lord began “and the Hitites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and Amorites . . wait I already said them . . . I mean the . . . uh . . . ”

The Israelites?” Moses piped up.

“No, you guys are the Israelites, Moses!”

“Oh! Ha ha I knew that, I was just testing you.”

“No I , the Lord, am trying to think of that other tribe  . . .oh . . . what’s the name of those peoples?  It’s on the tip of my Almighty Tongue . . . ”

“I’ll bet it ends with an  “ite”!  Moses quipped.

The Lord shot Moses a look that said, “Don’t make me get my lightening bolt.”

I, the Lord, hope you’re writing all this down, Moses

Then the Lord started dictating a long list of covenants that Moses began chiseling into the stone tablets.  And he found he was actually able to keep up rather nicely and commended himself for having the wherewithal to take that Shorthand for Hebrews correspondence course last summer during the Great Sheep Industry Lull of Minus 2347.

Moses speed chiseled everything the Lord said for 20 days and 20 nights, and spent the following 20 days and 20 nights icing his carpal tunnel syndrome and  re-reading everything back to the Lord for accuracy.

Unfortunately for Moses, the Lord was so involved in what he was saying, he completely forgot to offer Moses anything to eat or drink  —  scholars believe this is because the Lord  wasn’t keen on doing his own cooking and Fresca hadn’t been invented yet.

The face that would have launched a thousand ships if they would have had any (ships, that is)

About the time everyone was giving up on ever seeing Moses again, here he came skiing down Mount Sinai (by now it was winter) carrying the Ten Commandments.

But everyone was afraid to go near Moses because they saw that his face was shining, either from having taken a couple of face plants in the snow (Moses was a horrible skier) or because he had been talking with the Lord for 40 days and nights.

Either way, Moses had to wear a veil over his face for the rest of his life whenever he talked to anyone except the lord because everybody found the shine from his face to be hugely distracting. (Sunglasses hadn’t been invented yet.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.

The Bible According to Gregary Linda Vernon Humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Photo credit: Illustrators of the 1897 Bible Pictures and What They Teach Us by Charles Foster from wiki images

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The 12 Disciples Coloring Book

Welcome Dear Readers!  This week Gregory was attending vacation bible school which is just like regular Sunday School only hotter and with a lot more coloring. Let’s see what Gregory got to color, shall we?

 Gregory Brings Home The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships.  Well this gave Jesus an idea! He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men!  So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples. 

So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited.  He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.

Simon

"Oops!  Let me try it again.  How about two out of three?"
“Okay, this one’s going right between his beady little eyes.  Oops!  How about two out of three?”

Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus.  He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.

Andrew

Andrew
“Nice to meet ya! Hey, don’t forget to grab a business card before you leave!”

Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six.  Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision.  Plus he had epically big guns!

Bartholomew

"Would you believe I only work out twice a week!"
And I only work out twice a week!”

Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a  bestseller called “The Revelations”.

John

"Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Jesus?'
“Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that Jesus over there?’

Then there was John’s brother, James.  James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle.  James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.

James

"A martyr?  Me?  Well what exactly does that entail?"
“A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?”

Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James.  Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James.  He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.

James the Less

"Hey James the Lesser!  Bring us some bread.""Not unless you call me Jimmy."
“Hey James the Less! Bring us some bread.”
“Not unless you call me Jimmy!”

Peter (or maybe Simon)

Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his  immovable faith.  And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all!  Duh!

Peter “The Rock” Simon

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle do know Jesus!"
Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle DO know Jesus!”

Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the  nail prints and two pieces ID.

Thomas

" . . . uh . . . .hmmm. . .  uh"
“Well uh . . .hmm!”

Then there was Jude.  Not to be confused with Judas.  Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.

Jude

Jude
“And that’s why the chicken crossed the road? Hahaha! Get out! That’s hilarious!”

One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus.  He was a tax collector and was good with details.  Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”

Matthew

"Can you say that one more time only slower?"
“Can you say that one more time,  Jesus, only slower?”

And finally there was Judas.  Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids.  Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.

Judas

I'll repent just as soon as I'm done spending
I’ll repent the minute I get back from Las Bethlehemgas

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book!  Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Holy Rollers! Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how Abraham got a surprise visit from three men with some unbelievable news concerning his wife, Sarah. This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 18: 1-15 if you would like to loosely follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesHoly Rollers!  Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

One hot biblical afternoon in the Sacred Trees of Mamre, Abraham was sitting in the entrance of his tent trying to get cool. The air-conditioning (hand-cranked) was on the blitz due to the fact that all his hand-cranking slaves were out sick with carpal tunnel syndrome.

Abraham was just sitting there relaxing, unraveling some stray threads on his robe when he looked up and saw three men standing nearby.  When Abraham saw them. he ran out to greet them and bowed to the ground.

Abraham could tell just by looking at them that they were pretty special.  (Some biblical scholars believe Abraham could tell the three men were special because they were all wearing robes that had God Squad printed in big Hebrew letters on the backs while other biblical scholars believe some biblical scholars are full of it.)

The conversation that followed might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Well hello there fellows!  It is me, Abraham, you’re humble servant.  Take a load off under that tree over there, while  I’ll run to fetch some water to wash your feet.  Not that they need it, or anything.

Three men:  Sounds good.

Abraham:  Oh and I’ll also bring you some food so that you may refresh yourselves.

Three men:  We sure could use some lawn chairs while you’re at it.

Abraham: Tell me about it!  Unfortunately my lawn-chair-weaver slaves are out sick with osteoarthritis.

Three men:  Very well,  just get us some food and wash our feet then.

Abraham:  I’m on it!

Abraham ran back to the tent to tell his wife, Sarah, about the three visitors.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Sarah, quick!  Get out the best flour and bake some bread, get all these tent pillows picked up, this place is a sty! And, you, slaves with the carpal tunnel syndrome! Look alive!

Sarah:  What’s going on?

Abraham: We’ve got important visitors.  Oh, for heavens sakes, Sarah, why are you still wearing  curlers in your hair when it’s eleven o’clock in the morning?

Sarah:  Can I help it if my curler-unfurling-slaves are all out sick with–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me.  Carpal tunnel syndrome?

Sarah:  No I think it’s tendonitis.

Abraham hurried out into his herd of cattle and picked out a calf that was tender and fat and handed it over to his barbecuing slave.

Abraham:  Here you go barbecuing slave.  Take this calf and cook it for the visitors. Make it medium rare and don’t forget to baste it.

Cooking Slave:  I can make it medium rare, but I won’t be able to baste it as I’m having a little trouble with my–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me. Tendonitis?

Cooking Slave:  No I think it’s Repetitive Strain Injury.

When everything was ready Abraham scurried out to the visitors.  He took them some meat, some cream and some milk and set the food before the men. He served them himself and they ate, and then they asked Abraham:

Three men:  Where’s your wife, Sarah?

Abraham:  She’s in the tent, she’s having a having a bad hair day.

One man who later turned out to be the Lord said:   Nine months from now I will come back and your wife Sarah will have a son.

When Sarah overheard this revelation from inside the tent, she laughed to herself because not only  was she too old to have a baby,  Abraham was 99, and Viagra hadn’t even been invented yet.  

The Lord:   Why does Sarah think she can’t have a baby?  I just heard her laughing to herself inside the tent. Is there anything too hard for the Lord?  As I said, nine months from now I will return  and Sarah will have a son.

Sarah:  I didn’t laugh, Lord.

The Lord:  Oh yes you did, Sarah!  I heard you!

Sarah:  What?  No, that’s the sound I always make when I have to yank out my own curlers.  It’s more of yelp than a laugh.

The Lord:  I know laughing when I hear it, and you were laughing.

Sarah:  No I wasn’t!

The Lord:  Yes you were!

Abraham:  Hey you two! What difference does it make?  It’s not like thousands of years from now people will be reading in the bible about whether or not the Lord overheard Sarah laughing . . . .

The Lord:  Well I suppose you’re right.

Abraham:  That’s the spirit! Now, who wants another foot washing — raise your hand!

The Lord:  I’ll take another one.

Abraham:  Great!  Listen would you mind if Sarah washed your feet instead of me.  All this foot washing is giving me–

The Lord:  Repetitive Strain Injury?.

Abraham:  No I think it’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when Abraham tries to think of something positive to say to say to the Lord about Sodom.

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Lord accuses Sarah of Laughing at him
The Lord, Sarah and Abraham