Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories. 

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday School. Every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about King David.  Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon HumorKing David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Once there was a king named David.  David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot.  Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David  would have used a  yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.

A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that, what with all the slaughterings, and what with all  the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant.  D oy h!

When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark  from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim  in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.

So the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio,  had decided to sell it in their yard sale.

When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.

Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:

King David:  So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?

Mr. Abinadab:  We’re asking 25 goats.

King David:  25 goats?  That seems a little steep.  Does it come with coasters?

Mr. Abinadab:  You don’t need any.  You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark.  I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was heavenly!

King David:  Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take five goats for it?

Mr. Abinadab:  How about twelve goats and a chicken?

King David:  I’ll give you seven goats and  half a chicken . . .

Mr. Abinadab:  It will have to be seven goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.

Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted  and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection inside.

King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons, Ahio andAzzuh, the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.

Mr. Abinadab:  Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that?  They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.

King David:  Ha ha!  Well that’s to be expected.  Don’t tell me!  2 mph  in a 1 mph zone?

Mr. Abinadab: No, 3 mph in a 1 mph zone!

King David:  How is that possible?

Mr. Abinadab:  Tailwind.

As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.

Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark.  His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.

“La la la la la la la uh oh!”
“La la la la la la la what’s wrong?”
“Did you just la la la la la feel that tailwind?”

Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.

“One two three four five six and sacrifice one two three four five six and sacrifice one two . . .”

Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his two one son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenant Fudge was heavenly.

 

“Careful, watch the fudge!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please come by next week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Takes a Wife Please

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God created Adam and Eve.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Adam Takes a Wife Please

When Adam lived alone in the garden of Eden, the Lord noticed that Adam wasn’t doing so well.  First of all, the garden was a mess.  There were banana peels and watermelon rinds and half-eaten figs piled everywhere. Even though it was Adam’s job to be the guardian of the garden, he kept forgetting to water the plants and the last time he had actually mowed the lawn was never.

Most of the time all Adam wanted to do was sit in a big pile of leaves and stare straight ahead imagining how much better his life would be if God would create two teams of men who dressed up in cool outfits and tackled each other.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.”

And Adam rubbed his hands together and thought, “Hot Diggity Dog!”

But when God took some soil and started forming animals and birds, Adam’s smile quickly faded.

God:  What’s the matter Adam?  Don’t you like the animals I’m creating?  Lookee this one!  It’s got fur, a bill and webbed feet!  Isn’t it hilarious?

Adam:  Meh . . .

God:  Ah come on, Sport!  Cheer up!  I’m going to let you name them all.

Adam: But I don’t want to name all those stupid animals you’re creating.  That’s just another chore.  I never have any fun.

God:  Uh oh . . . I know a man who got up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.

Adam:  Stop making that joke, Dad, it’s not funny.

God:  Okay, but try taking another look at this animal with the bill and the fur and the webbed feet and just try to keep a straight face!

Later

God:   . . . and so this last one you want to call a Walrus?  How do you want to spell that?  With two r’s?

Adam:  You know what, Dad?  I hate to break it to you, but not one of the birds or animals you created is a suitable companion for me.

God:  What?  Not even the goldfish with their bubbly little smiles?

Adam:  No Dad.

God:  But why not?

Adam:  They can’t talk, they can’t cook, and they wouldn’t know a decorative pillow if their life depended on it.

God:  Oh I see what you’re getting at.  Here swallow this.

Adam:  What is it?

God:  Nyquil.

About an hour later Adam opened his eyes and Eve was standing before him.

God:  Welp.  What do ya think?

Adam:  At last here is one of my own kind.  Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh.  Woman is her name because she is taken out of man. Thanks Dad.

God:  No problem.

Adam:  Oh and Dad?

God:  Yeah?

Adam:  Before you go, how would you feel about creating two teams of men in really cool outfits, an oblong ball made out of pigskin — because I know you just created those pigs– I was thinking maybe it would be fun to watch them try to keep the ball from each other and whatnot.

God:  But while you’re watching them do that what will Eve be doing?

Adam:  Oh I don’t know.  She could be walking  in the garden, making new friends, sampling fruit . . .

God:  That sounds harmless enough.  I’ll do it!

Adam:  Hot diggity dog!

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Eve gives Adam a decorative Pillow
“Here honey, I made this for you.”     “Thanks!  What is it?       “A decorative pillow.”

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Barbecued Goat Caper

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how Jonathan and his trusty sidekick got the best of a bunch of Philistines in 1 Samuel 14.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Jonathan and the Barbecued Goat Caper

One day King Saul’s son, Jonathan, was walking around the holy land with his sidekick, Young Man, whose sole job it was to carry Jonathan’s weapons — when Jonathan got the idea to crash the camp of some heathen Philistines.

Jonathan:  Mm . . . do you smell what I smell?

Young Man Whose Sole Job It Was To Carry Jonathan’s Weapons:  Yeah smells like some heathen Philistines are barbecuing some delicious goat!

Jonathan:  Exactamento! I really want to go over there.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Yes but to get over there we will have to cross a pass that has two huge jagged rocks . . .

Jonathan:  Jagged schmagged.  Maybe the Lord will help us.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

Jonathan: All right, then,  we’re going to crawl between the jagged rocks and if the Philistines tell us to wait then we will; but if they tell us to come it will mean the Lord has given us victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW: How do know these things?

Jonathan:  I dunno.

When the heathen Philistines saw Jonathan and his sidekick, YMWSJIWTCJW, crawling through the rocks they said in unison, “Look some Hebrews are coming out of the holes they have been hiding in!  Come on up here, we have something to tell you!”

Jonathan:  Did you hear that, YMWSJIWTCJW?  They have something to tell us. That means the lord has given Israel victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Oh . .

Jonathan:  What wrong?  You sound disappointed.

YMWSJIWTCJW: I was kinda hoping it meant they saved us some barbecued goat.

Jonathan:  Don’t you ever think of anything but your stomach?

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Let me put it this way.  Are you going to eat the rest of your fig?

Jonathan:  Sigh . . go for it.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Thanks!  You want I should kill the Philistines now?

Jonathan:  Uh . . . let me knock them down first.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next!

Until next time . . . I love you

Jonathan's Daring Deed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Tower of abel-Bay

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how all of Noah’s descendants got together to build the Tower of Babel, and he couldn’t help imagining how that might have happened.

GregoryThe Tower of abel-Bay

Even though Noah lived to be 950 years old, he never topped the time he saved the animal kingdom and mankind from extinction.  Still, he kept busy puttering in his vineyard and joking with his sons about how many grandkids it would take to put oil in a lamp.

After awhile though, there were so many kids being born that parents quickly ran out of the easy to pronounce names, like Gomer, and had to resort to giving them names that were so hard to pronounce everybody just called everybody else “hey you in the robe.”

Then they all wandered around together veering east, until they came to a  really nice valley in the land of Shi’nar so they decided to build a city there and call it Babylon in lieu of Shi’nar — thus circumventing thousands of years of annoying apostrophe placement questions in one simple decision.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey everybody!  Doesn’t this look like a really nice place to build a city?  Let’s name it Babylon.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Why Babylon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Because we’re all more or less a baby of Noah.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Okay that explains the baby — but why the lon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Lon means city.

Hey you in the robe #2:  No it doesn’t!

Hey you in the robe #1:  What are you, an attorney?

Hey you in the robe #2:   I’m a linguist.

Hey you in the robe #1:  How’s business?

Hey you in the robe #2:   Pretty slow what with everyone speaking the same language using the same words and whatnot.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Dude, you’re complicating my buzz!

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

And thus it was decided to build a city and call it Babylon, and it was also decided to build a tower with its “top in the heavens” so that they could make a name for themselves by replacing the banner that said “If you lived here you’d be home now!” with whatever their names were.

Hey you in the robe #1:  What do you want to build the city out of?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Let’s make bricks and stick them together with tar!  What’s wrong, you look disappointed?

Hey you in the robe #1:  I was kind of hoping we’d use Legos.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

Tissot_Building_the_Tower_of_Babel
“Do you still want the Legos?”
“Nah, we have to use bricks.”
“Says who?”
“Hey you in the robe.”
“That guy bugs me.”

After the city and the tower were built, the Lord came down for a site inspection.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Well how do you like it, Lord?

But the lord only answered by saying out loud to himself and his new heavenly companions that he met on Faceofgodbook, “This is just the beginning of what they will do, soon they will be able to do anything they want!  Let us go down and mix up the languages so that they will not understand each other.”

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey you in the robe #2, what did the Lord mean when he said that?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Icksnay on the Owertay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  Come again?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Lord no likee.  We’re all being ansferredtray.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Where toski?

Hey you in the robe #2: evelandclay.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Oway itshay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  You can say that againski!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, how Gregory imagined what really happened at the Tower of Babel. Be sure to check back next Sunday to see what Gregory learns in Sunday School!

Until next time . . . I love you

Tower of Babel

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned how God decided to destroy all living things on earth . . . again — that is until he got sidetracked.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

At one point, deep inside the bible, the Lord was getting jealouser and jealouser because he was losing a lot of his worshipers to other gods.  Some worshipers were totally into worshiping a god named Baal (Baaleibers). While others camped out on the roof all day worshiping the sun (and getting a heck of a tan in the process) while still others were putting their prayer hands together for an obscure god named Milcom.

It just so happens that during this period of turmoil, the prophet, Zephaniah, was God’s go-to prophet.  One day while Zephaniah was busy staring at his goat, the Lord spoke:

The Lord:  Zephaniah!   I am going to destroy everything on earth, all human beings and animals, birds and fish and I will bring about the downfall of the wicked.  I will destroy all mankind and no survivors will be left, I, the Lord, have spoken, Zephaniah!  Are you listening?

Zephaniah:  Yeah sure.  I’m listening.

The Lord:  Then take your eyes off your goat and look at Me!

Zephaniah:  I would but I can’t see You,  I can only hear You.

The Lord:  Well at least have the courtesy of looking in the direction you think My voice is coming from.

Zephaniah:  But it’s coming from inside my head.

The Lord:  In that case go ahead and stare at your goat.

Zephaniah:  Thanks!

The Lord:  Now where was I?

Zephaniah:  You were saying how you were going to destroy everyone and everything on earth.

The Lord:  Ah yes . . .

Zephaniah:  So what are you going to do create another flood or something?

The Lord:  No, that would make Me miss Noah too much.  I don’t usually play favorites, but if Noah were here now I’d give him such an Almighty Noogie.

Zephaniah: Where is Noah now?

The Lord:  Who knows?

Zephaniah:  You mean he’s not in heaven?

The Lord:  Ha ha ha! Just messin’ with your head, kid. You’ll get used to it the way Moses did.  Remind me to tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses back in Exodus 4:24-26.

Zephaniah:  But why?

The Lord:  I don’t remember.  I think maybe I had low-blood sugar or something. But don’t worry, I”m not going to try to kill you, Zephaniah . . . much . . . Ha ha ha!

Zephaniah:  You’re kidding, right?

The Lord:  Sort of.

Zephaniah:  So what did you want me to tell the people?  That you are going to destroy the world?

The Lord: Basically I’m going to punish everyone who worships the wrong god,  it will be a day of fury, a day of trouble and distress. But I will spare all the humble and lowly people and at the end of their ordeal and they will sing “A Song of Joy” that tries to rhyme “Israel” with “Jerusalem” but nobody will object because they are too humble and lowly.

Zephaniah:  Sounds good. Can I go now?

The Lord:  No. I have a lot more describing to do about how I’m going to punish and destroy and slaughter evil people for being so evil, but I’m getting hungry for lunch.

Zephaniah:  I need to go to the market, but I’ll see if I can scrounge up something up for You.

The Lord:  Okay don’t go to too much trouble. I’m not picky.  You can just throw a quart of olive oil and some unleavened bread on the alter,  and maybe a ram or two . . . Do you have any donkey radish?

Zephaniah:  No sorry.

The Lord:  How about just a donkey then?

Zephaniah:  Fresh out of donkeys.  Let’s see here . . . hmm . . . looks like I only have four pigeons left . . .

The Lord:  Great I’ll have those.

Zephaniah:  Okay . . . oops . . .  nevermind . . . they’re  molt-y.

The Lord:  Okay just give me that goat your staring at.

Zephaniah:  But if I give you the goat I’m staring at what will I stare at?

The Lord:  Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses?

Zephaniah:  One goat comin’ right up!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, the day God was going to destroy the world, but luckily got sidetracked! Check back every Sunday to find out what new story Gregory will learn in Sunday school.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Baal Baby Sacrificingt
“Thanks, but if you don’t have any donkey radish to go with, forget it.”

 

when bad things happen to good moses's

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Ezekiel’s Flip Side

 

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned  Ezekiel’s unusual experience with the Lord, part II.

Ezekiel’s Flip Side

If you will remember last week, our biblical hero, Ezekiel, was well on his way to becoming  the Lord’s first 500-pound prophet after feasting on a chocolate-covered scroll that contained 1,437,118,227,922,091,561,403 grams of sugar and that caused his papyrus allergy to kick in like gangbusters. But God wasn’t done with Ezekiel yet, not by a long shot.

Somewhere in an undisclosed holy land location:

God:  Mortal Man, get a brick and set it in front of you and scratch lines on it to represent the cit of Jerusalem.

Ezekiel:  Okay but first would it be possible to get something for these hives, God?  I can’t stop scratching.

God:  How’d you get hives?

Ezekiel:  From eating that papyrus scroll, remember?  I told you I was allergic to papyrus.

God:  But that scroll wasn’t made from papyrus, it was made from animal hide.

Ezekiel:  Uh oh.  Chipmunk by any chance?

God:  As a matter of fact yes it was.  How did you know that?

Ezekiel: My chipmunk allergy is even worse than my papyrus allergy.

God:   Is that why your eyes are swollen shut?

Ezekiel:  Yeah.

God:  Oh okay, I was wondering but I didn’t want to say anything.  You know, maybe I better come back another time and have you do the rest of the stuff on my list.

Ezekiel:  No!  Absolutely not. I can do it!  I can still see a little bit.

God:  Are you sure?

Ezekiel:  Of course, what are prophets for if not to carry out Your quirky plans, God!

God:  Well then after you scratch Jerusalem on a brick, I want you to represent a siege of the city by putting trenches, earthworks, camps and battering rams around it.

Ezekiel:  Wait a minute, you want me to dig trenches and earthworks, and put battering rams around it?  I mean, can one guy even lift a battering ram?  They’ve got to weigh a ton.

God:  Just like you ha ha!

Ezekiel:  Excuse me?

God:  No I was just saying the exercise will do you good.  You could use to drop a few pounds or 250.

Ezekiel:  Okay my robe’s too tight I get it.   Is that it?

God:  No.  After that I want you to take an iron pan and set it up like a wall between you and the city.

Ezekiel:  I don’t have an iron pan.

God:  You don’t have an iron pan?  Get out?  We’re living in modern biblical times! Nowadays, everybody and their goat has an iron pan! How do you make all those grilled Chebar cheese sandwiches you’ve been stuffing in your face nonstop with your exile homeys down at the Chebar River without an iron pan?

Ezekiel:  Well, if you must know,  I usually get one of my slaves to cook or if they’re on vacation, I get one of my wives to cook or if they are all dying in childbirth, I get one of my concubines to go for take out.

God:    Well, the next thing I want you to do is lie down.

Ezekiel:  Sweet! Now You’re talkin’!

God:  Yeah I knew you’d like that part but it involves a little more than just lying down.

Ezekiel:  Like what?

God:  I want you to lie on your side and I’m going to place on you the weight of the guilt of Israel.

Ezekiel:  Uh . . . that sounds pretty heavy.  How much weight are we talking?

God: A lot but probably less than what you weigh ha ha!  Anyways, I’m going to want you to do that for 390 days and then after that roll over on your other side for 40 days.

Ezekiel:  Question:  do I have to lie on the ground or do I get to lie on a mattress.

God:  What’s a mattress?

 

Dad kept telling me to go into the family goat business, but oh no! I had to be a prophet!
Wait a minute.  It  says this contains lead.  Oh well I think that’s good.

430 Days Later:

God:  Hey Ezekiel!  You can get up now.  How are you doing?

Ezekiel:  Oy my back is stiff!  And my hives are still driving me crazy and I’ve got a horrible headache.

God:  Just for future reference?  Whenever I ask how you’re are doing, it’s rhetorical. But hey! You look like you’ve lost weight! You’re robe’s not nearly as tight.

Ezekiel: I know I may have to go new robe shopping after this!

God:  Okay, but first what I want you to do is fix your eyes on the siege of Jerusalem, shake your fist at the city and prophesy against it.

Ezekiel:  But my eyes are swollen shut, remember?

God:  Still?  Hahaha!  Well listen I’m going to go jump in my unidentified flying biblical object and get you ice to put on them.

Ezekiel:  Okay.  Oh, say, God . . . if you happen to go by a chocolate-covered scroll drive-thru would you mind picking me up a few chocolate-covered scrolls and also a couple Chebar cheese goat burgers while you’re at it?

God:  Eeeezeeekiiieeelll!  Just when you’re robe is finally fitting right . . .

Ezekiel:  Okay okay nevermind!

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  What Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back next week for part three when Ezekiel gets are really bad haircut and hilarity ensues.

 

I'm going for ice! BRB!
I’m going on an ice run!  BRB!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Jesus and the Foot Washing Incident

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about Jesus and forgiveness. 

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us all about it.

gregoryJesus and the Foot Washing  Incident

One day Jesus was invited to have dinner at the house of Simon, the Pharisee. The Pharisees were a group of middle-class biblical businessmen who hung around the Chamber of Commerce every waking minute to make sure everyone followed all the rules correctly.

Jesus and Simon were just sitting down to dinner when a woman who leads a sinful life knocked at the door:

Simon:  Who is it?

Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life:  It’s me.  The woman who leads a sinful life.

Simon:  Can you narrow it down a little?

WWLASL:  I’m the woman who leads a sinful life and carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever I go?

Simon:  Hm. . . wait a minute . . . you’re not the woman who leads a sinful life who carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever she goes and has hundreds cats are you?

WWLASL:  No that’s my sister.  She’s always borrowing my alabaster jar of perfume without asking.  If you’ve ever noticed, it’s got scratches all over it.  Anyway, I heard Jesus was eating dinner with you, and I was wondering if it would be okay if I came in and stood behind him and cried.

Simon:  Is that okay with you Jesus?

Jesus:  Sure.

Simon the Pharisee opened the door and let the Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life inside and she went over to Jesus and stood behind him — by his feet, crying, and wetting his feet with her tears. (Some biblical scholars believe Jesus’s Feet were double-jointed causing them to be in the correct position for getting wet if they were being watered by the tears of a woman who was standing behind him. Still other biblical scholars believe, however, that they work too hard and went home early.)

Simon:  Excuse me?  Hey you!  Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life!  Your tears are getting Jesus’s Feet wet.

WWLASL:  Oh I’m so sorry!  Gosh this is embarrassing.  Do you have a towel–well never mind I’ll just use my beautiful, long  hair.

The Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life then kissed Jesus’s Feet, and poured all the perfume from her alabaster jar onto the Jesus’s Feet.  Simon was thinking that if Jesus really was a prophet, he would know she was the Woman Who Leads A Sinful Life.  But if Jesus knew that, he wasn’t letting on.  Instead Jesus completely changed the subject:

Jesus:  There were two men who owed money to a moneylender.  One owed him five hundred silver coins and the other one fifty.

Simon:  Oy!  This isn’t going to be another arithmetic story problem is it?

Jesus:  No don’t worry.  It’s a parable.  Anyway, the moneylender canceled the debts. Which man would love him more?

Simon:  Uh . . . the one who was forgiven more?

WWLASL:  Is that your final answer?

Simon:  You stay out of this.

Jesus: Do you see this woman?  I came into your home and you gave me no water for my feet, but she has washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You did not welcome me with a kiss but she has not stopped kissing my feet since I came. You provided no olive oil for my head but she has covered my feet with perfume.

Simon:  Am I correct in assuming, then, that my killer recipe for Simon The Pharisees  Tuna Noodle Casserole Delight didn’t make up for all that?

But if Jesus heard Simon’s question, there is no record of it in the bible.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

"What's this?" "What's what?" "I don't know, it  looks like tuna casserole."
“What’s this?”
“What’s what?”
“I don’t know, it looks kinda like tuna noodle casserole.”