Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.
Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned how God decided to destroy all living things on earth . . . again — that is until he got sidetracked. Let’s listen in, shall we?
At one point, deep inside the bible, the Lord was getting jealouser and jealouser because he was losing a lot of his worshipers to other gods. Some worshipers were totally into worshiping a god named Baal (Baaleibers). While others camped out on the roof all day worshiping the sun (and getting a heck of a tan in the process) while still others were putting their prayer hands together for an obscure god named Milcom.
It just so happens that during this period of turmoil, the prophet, Zephaniah, was God’s go-to prophet. One day while Zephaniah was busy staring at his goat, the Lord spoke:
The Lord: Zephaniah! I am going to destroy everything on earth, all human beings and animals, birds and fish and I will bring about the downfall of the wicked. I will destroy all mankind and no survivors will be left, I, the Lord, have spoken, Zephaniah! Are you listening?
Zephaniah: Yeah sure. I’m listening.
The Lord: Then take your eyes off your goat and look at Me!
Zephaniah: I would but I can’t see You, I can only hear You.
The Lord: Well at least have the courtesy of looking in the direction you think My voice is coming from.
Zephaniah: But it’s coming from inside my head.
The Lord: In that case go ahead and stare at your goat.
The Lord: Now where was I?
Zephaniah: You were saying how you were going to destroy everyone and everything on earth.
The Lord: Ah yes . . .
Zephaniah: So what are you going to do create another flood or something?
The Lord: No, that would make Me miss Noah too much. I don’t usually play favorites, but if Noah were here now I’d give him such an Almighty Noogie.
Zephaniah: Where is Noah now?
The Lord: Who knows?
Zephaniah: You mean he’s not in heaven?
The Lord: Ha ha ha! Just messin’ with your head, kid. You’ll get used to it the way Moses did. Remind me to tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses back in Exodus 4:24-26.
Zephaniah: But why?
The Lord: I don’t remember. I think maybe I had low-blood sugar or something. But don’t worry, I”m not going to try to kill you, Zephaniah . . . much . . . Ha ha ha!
Zephaniah: You’re kidding, right?
The Lord: Sort of.
Zephaniah: So what did you want me to tell the people? That you are going to destroy the world?
The Lord: Basically I’m going to punish everyone who worships the wrong god, it will be a day of fury, a day of trouble and distress. But I will spare all the humble and lowly people and at the end of their ordeal and they will sing “A Song of Joy” that tries to rhyme “Israel” with “Jerusalem” but nobody will object because they are too humble and lowly.
Zephaniah: Sounds good. Can I go now?
The Lord: No. I have a lot more describing to do about how I’m going to punish and destroy and slaughter evil people for being so evil, but I’m getting hungry for lunch.
Zephaniah: I need to go to the market, but I’ll see if I can scrounge up something up for You.
The Lord: Okay don’t go to too much trouble. I’m not picky. You can just throw a quart of olive oil and some unleavened bread on the alter, and maybe a ram or two . . . Do you have any donkey radish?
Zephaniah: No sorry.
The Lord: How about just a donkey then?
Zephaniah: Fresh out of donkeys. Let’s see here . . . hmm . . . looks like I only have four pigeons left . . .
The Lord: Great I’ll have those.
Zephaniah: Okay . . . oops . . . nevermind . . . they’re molt-y.
The Lord: Okay just give me that goat your staring at.
Zephaniah: But if I give you the goat I’m staring at what will I stare at?
The Lord: Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses?
Zephaniah: One goat comin’ right up!
And there you have it, Dear Readers, the day God was going to destroy the world, but luckily got sidetracked! Check back every Sunday to find out what new story Gregory will learn in Sunday school.
Until next time . . . I love you